Won once again!! W00T!!
 

So I just realized that I haven't updated my blog in a year. Quite literally. It's November, which means NaNo again, and just like last year, I'm doing it. This time however, I'm doing a collaboration with M and so far I'm quite pleased about it. The biggest fun part of this novel however is that it's Harry Potter Fanfiction. We're attempting very dark, very angsty stuff, so it should be quite the thrill ride. Looking forward to it.
 

Well, I'm proud of myself once again. I finished my novel on Tuesday, and I've had a great week editing last years novel. Yay me. I feel so much love for those people who have completed as well, and for those who helped me on my way. Thank you everyone, congrats to each and every winner.
 

So this month is National Novel Writing Month, and for the second year I am doing it. I didn't really know it existed before last year, when I was signed up for it by my roommate, but I had a blast and a half last year and I loved the book I created. I'm still editing it now but I'm working on my next book so I can't work on that book. Anyway, I love NaNo, really do, it's a ton of fun and the enjoyment I get out of it is unparalleled. The problem is that it's a lot of WORK! *laugh* But I love it.

And I've been having this hard time all month with my story. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, I had a vague concept of what was important, and I started right in, because that's what I did last year, and this year it hasn't been flowing for me. Really, it hasn't. It's been a struggle to get words down, which is amazing since I'm 12,000 words in, but still, it's been hard.

And so now, I understand all those people that talked to me last year about keeping going, just keep going, it'll get better, and it doesn't have to be wonderful, because you're just writing the first draft anyway, the point is to get the words down. I didn't have trouble getting words down last year. I thought, no worries, the words are just flowing out of me, this is easy. If only I had more time, it'd be done already.

So this year I'm having all those problems, and I still love my story. Because the words are there, you just have to coax them out. You have to write shit words to get to the good ones. And my dialogue is still great. And my characters are wonderful, I love them more with each passing day. And, what do you know, at 12,000 words, I'm actually starting to know where I"m going. What an interesting thing this is. Maybe I'll get to the end afterall.

It's all so much fun, even not knowing where you're going. Maybe one of my problems is that so many people around me seem to have planned things, and I haven't. Maybe I'm jealous of their planning. But you know what? I'm not anymore. I'm free and I'm writing, and I'm loving every minute of it.
 

Spoiler alert: don't read if you haven't read the last HP book.

I wrote a rant a while ago about characters I didn't understand. My rant was about Happy Endings. This is about character development and it made me think of Snape.

See, I have to start by admitting that my reason for continuing to read the HP books was Snape. Not totally true, but I was more interested in learning more about Snape and knowing what happened to him than I was worried about Harry. Harry was cute and all but Snape was AWESOME. He was dark, he was twisted, you never knew what he was thinking, and you sure as hell knew that he was, if nothing else, the 3rd greatest wizard of current times. Snape was so much like me inside that I could close my eyes and know how much like him I could have become.

I had a friend where he had no one. And I was ever the optimist. Always have been. That is our difference.

And I'm writing this novel. Well, I've written the novel, I'm editing it now because I'm going to be writing another one in November. And here I am editing, and I've picked up some articles and texts written by Holly Lisle, a favorite author of mine, and one of the things she's written is about character development.

And she's funny as hell.

And we get to this point where she's got me rolling on the ground laughing because she's funny, and it struck a cord with me. A cord so deep I wanted to cry. And it had to do with Snape.

Because of copyright laws and everything, I'm not going to recreate the whole part, but I'm going to write some of it here:

brain transplant: moment of impossible brilliance from a character best previously described as a blithering, drooling, idiot, (or the reverse, a moment of agonizing stupidity from your former genius-level villain or hero) that makes possible the miraculous salvation of the plot. Only not.

We're ending the book with a sin that is just a sin, only a sin, always a sin. If in the commission of critical action, your evil villain is suddenly struck rock-brained stupid, or your ordinary-guy hero abruptly passes for a Rhodes Scholar with advanced degrees in physics, biochemistry, mathematics, five languages, and Byzantine studies, you have not saved your story. You have wrecked it. You have, even worse, cheated your hero of a well-earned victory or your villain of a hard-fought loss. You have, worst of all, betrayed your reader.

We have all done this in first draft.... they don't do the author any good; readers hit between the eyes with a Brain Transplant solution are unlikely to buy anything further from that writer....

Alright, here's the thing. I've tried to think about the whole Snape thing and accept it as reality. I've even gone into my mind and thought of all the ways to make it better, creating alternate endings in my brain so I can move on from this. But honestly, Ms. Lisle has it right. It was a Brain Transplant. It was a win that Voldemort shouldn't have had so easily. Snape didn't just give up and die, he was mentally deficient in his last moments.

And what, you might ask, was the moment of conflict that was easily solved that made the Brain Transplant work?

Harry vs. Snape. The whole dilemma revolving around their hatred. The whole problem relating to the information that Snape had that Harry didn't. See, she NEEDED Harry to come to peace with things and be ready to face his fate, and in order to do that he had to know what Snape knew. But if Snape were alive, he wouldn't have offered those memories so freely. And so he needed to be brought to a point where he knew he was going to die and therefore create a situation where he would no longer be embarrassed by the fact he loved Harry's Mother. He wouldn't have to face the consequences of those actions. So she copped out. Made him no longer what he had been built up to be. Made it just work out, neatly like that.

It makes me sad. Because Snape was awesome, and now I have to keep this memory of how he died in my mind. And I have to change him to something else, because otherwise he wouldn't be who he was for six books.

So now I'm going to try to quit whining about my darling Severus. Because there's nothing I can do. And there's others who think like me. And there's others who hate my thinking. And it's all alright. We make mistakes. I won't cop out on any of my characters.

They deserve more from me than that.
 

Is crazy.

No, really, he is.

That's all I can say at this moment.
 

I had originally intended on dedicating this to my finger, which is smashed and in a lot of pain. Instead I have to mention my car as well, because the full extent of this annoyance to my finger can't be felt if I don't.

First, lets back track a few months. My car died one day as I was trying to get to work. My battery was determined to be the problem, although that took several hours to deduct. And several days, because I had to get my old battery out of the car and then take it to work and test it on the tester. So then one of the other employees thought that I could use one of his batteries, so he was trying to remember where they were so he could bring them in and test them out. In the meantime, I tested my battery, yes it was bad, and I needed a new one.

Proceed to break my foot, no kidding, the next day. So now I'm in crutches for 7 weeks. After all of this, I manage to find out that the batteries are no good from the employee, and I need to get one of my own. Fine, so I try to do that, only the place I want to get my battery from closes 3 hours earlier than the rest of the store, I didn't realize this and I have to go out a different day. Then M says she's going to go do this, and she gets there only to find she needs me because it's a wholesale club, and she doesn't have a card. Things just keep getting better.

get the damn battery. Then I thieve my father to put it in my car. He notices all this liquid, oil, on the engine and I could set my car on fire, so he gets out the pressure washer and washes the inside and out for me. I do love my father. So yesterday, finally, I am able to take my car to work. So I do, and the steering is really bad. It's really tough to steer it and I get to work wondering if I should really be driving it. Get to work, spend the day working. Was the first boat in 8 weeks, and love every minute of it, except that everything takes me FOREVER to do. I move things around, say goodbye to everyone as they leave and get back on the boat.

Carefully, very carefully. Very carefully proceed to smash my finger between the dock and the railing of the boat. My left index finger. Imagine typing all this without that finger. Its fun....

I end up screaming, shaking my finger and am pleased that I did not rip the nail off and bleed all over the nice clean boat, and walk into the office. Call security, I work at a resort remember, security does accident reports. Get a report done, some nice ice for it, and I cry nicely. I'm a real baby when it comes to pain. Baaaaby I am. So my father, who works in security btw, comes up next, gives me the look, shakes his head, says, "What are we going to do with you?" and I laugh, accept the hug and try not to cry even more.

Finish the day out with blinding pain every time I accidentally run the finger into something. Wind up hoses, end up moving the one hose so the nozzle hits the ground and sprays all up my legs so it looks like I took a MAJOR leak right there at the gas pump, and I curse, once again. I'm so done with this day. Then talk to M about the steering, she suggests power steering fluid, I can't find it to check, and I end up driving home, with steering that's difficult as fuck to move, with a finger that's throbbing, and I determine I'm going to take it into the shop so someone who knows something about fluids can take care of it for me.

Go in today. He puts a whole bottle of power steering fluid into the car. Watch as it creates a huge puddle on the floor. no shit. The power steering cables are leaking fluid much like a sieve leaks water. This is a 3-400 dollar fix between parts and labor. If the power steering something else doesn't need to be replaced. Rack, power steering rack. The car is a '95 Ford Escort. He thinks the estimated value on the car is about 1000. So.. is it really worth fixing this when there's rust all over the underside like it's diseased? So now I get to drive my car, with no power steering fluid in it, and a smashed finger, until I decide what to do next.

WHERE'S THE MONEY COMING FROM?

*sigh* I'm still working on paying my emergency bills from my foot. I've been forking out 80-120 every two weeks for 4 visits because of my doctors visit. I just dropped 60ish on the battery, and I don't really have the time to fuck with more problems.

I love my little rust bucket. I love my fingers.

*sigh* I'm ready to go back to bed and start this year over.
 

Sometimes I get angry with myself.

For instance, when it comes to sleep. I have this problem where I want to sleep, but I simply can't do so. Not just a "I can't get back to sleep" type of thing, but more like a "I don't really want to go back to sleep" type of thing. It doesn't really make sense, and it's not something that I do to intentionally cause myself problems, but it's something that I just... happen... to do. Like today, I should probably have gone back to sleep for a few hours. Instead, I started reading something, and then the next thing I knew I was letting the cat out to wander in the living room a bit because I feel sorry for him since he can't spend time with me since I can't sleep in my bed.

Go figure.

And now that I'm up and it's almost 7am, I have to stay up, it would be silly to go back to sleep at this point, because I should really be getting ready for work by 8am, since I'm still not walking properly, I have to shave, and I do need to eat. So I get annoyed with myself for doing things like this, where I don't get sleep and I probably should. I could have gone online and played Age of Conan for a while instead of reading if I was going to stay up. I had every intention of going back to sleep. I just didn't.

Shoot myself.

It's my fault if I'm exhausted when I get home from work tonight. Totally my fault.
 

I have little tolerance for idiots. People that ask you to do something, then won't let you know when you have not successfully done it. No, not like, "Ha ha, I told you you couldn't do it." but honest, "Hey, I never got that fax you were supposed to send me last night. Did you fax it?"

Especially when such a thing is rather important to the overall day. Like, for instance, I'm borrowing M's car for me to get to and from work. So if she has to leave her site, and I'm at work, then... where's she going exactly? No where fast.

But if they'd told her, oh, say, HOURS ago, that they hadn't received the fax we sent out last night, then maybe I would be picking her up by now, and not running possibly late for work. Or, she would know, now, that she was staying at work.

Idiots. I just can't wrap my mind around it. Oh, and don't give me the, "Maybe he forgot," whine. Bull shit. Write it down the night before and put the note somewhere prominent. This is important to the general function of your business.

Idiot.
 

There are going to be spoilers in here no doubt. For two books, one is Harry Potter so if you have not read the last book, you might not want to read this. The other is for Banana Fish, a manga I just finished reading, and if you have not read it or if you are in the process of reading it, you probably don't want to read this.

Alright, notes aside, on to the rant.

I have a problem with epic books that go on and on and kill off main characters. I understand if for some reason it really, really moves the plot along. Like, it's a catalyst for something else major to happen. If it doesn't, and sometimes even then, I don't feel the need to kill off people. Perhaps this is a major flaw with my writing as well. I don't understand the whole concept of someone who has always held firm onto their lives suddenly giving up.

I just finished reading Banana Fish. Like only ten minutes or so ago. The main character is named Ash. He's a delinquent. Hardcore. And he's an awesome character, one of those people many other people want to be like. He's also the type of person who never gives in. Not that there isn't foreshadowing into the possibility he could die, but overall, you feel like he is invincible. Especially since he keeps getting himself into positions where he should die and he doesn't. So, at the end, when he gets knifed and the wound isn't very serious, and it misses all his vital organs, and he wanders into the public library where he sits down and bleeds to death, I got pissed! Rightfully angry, I think.

I mean, come on! This is ridiculous! He's been thorough so much, and now you're just going to kill him off! Allow him to slowly bleed to death in a PUBLIC LIBRARY? Wouldn't you think someone would have noticed something was up? I mean, when the girl came around to tell him not to sleep in the library, wouldn't you think she'd have noticed the BLOOD on the damn paper his head was resting on? It wasn't dirt!

Perhaps I also think of people as being inherently intelligent. Is that the problem? Perhaps I have high expectations out of people. If you set things up in a certain way, I expect certain things to happen. I would never have truly thought Ash would have given up on his life at that point. And ultimately that was the point. That he'd gone through so much, come out on top and now he had nothing more to live for.

Except he did have much more to live for. He wanted to do certain things. He wanted to be a certain way, and he didn't get the chance. He DECIDED not to take the chance. I DON'T understand that. My brain doesn't work that way.

Ultimately, because of the ending, I don't know if I can ever reread the damn books. 19 books of intense drama, and I wish I could have just cut it off at 18 and believed the two main characters get together eventually and stay friends forever. I don't even care if they didn't become lovers, although that was my twisted fantasy, but at least they needed to be alive and together for longer than they were. Enjoy some peace after the drama. It's stupid.

This brings me to Snape. My most favorite character in the HP world. He bleeds to death too. What is it with bleeding to death? People trying to suicide would die for the opportunities that characters in books get. Snape gets wounded by Voldies damn snake and dies. He doesn't really even try to defend himself. Again, he ALLOWS himself to die. He has given up on living. What is it with this mentality? Are there really people who hold onto their lives for years, YEARS, desperately trying not to die, and then find themselves in a position where they can die, and they don't try to save themselves? Is it just me? Am I the only one who feels this is uncharacteristic of the character? When you build a character up to a certain height, you need to dispose of them in a flair of genius. I hate the fact that he dies, yes, but more than that, I hate that he dies so WILLINGLY.

She could have done many things that killed Snape. She could have killed him and I wouldn't have been as upset with her for doing so, but the total lack of desire for him to live that transpired simply amazed me. I couldn't believe it. It was as though this man, who she had built up to be amazing, simply rolled over and died. No attempt to keep himself alive. No real drive to save his hide. No will to change his fate. I understand his "lord and master" was there and he was the one who was going to kill him, but still! This is so ridiculous, once again.

Am I asking too much for happy endings? I mean, I understand that life is cruel and terrible and all that, but there are plenty of things in this world that is good. I know a lot of people write happy endings, but I don't really want to read them. I almost wish you could screen them out, you know, like "Great drama, intense action, believable character, sad ending." Some people dig that shit. Now I'm just depressed and sad. Characters grow through trauma, but this is the END of the damn book. Honestly, I didn't want that. I wanted Eiji and Ash to find some peace together. I wanted Ash to get to have something beautiful in his life of hell. I wanted Snape to get a chance to live without looking over his shoulder. I thought perhaps he would get a chance to do something with his life other than play two sides. Perhaps Snape could live a little in the light that he had forsaken instead of the darkness. Everyone deserves a little light.

An optimist to the core. I believe in the good in people. I believe that there are times that people can grow through bad things, but also they can grow through the good. I want something that will make me happy at the end, make me even feel some relief. I don't really like to read things that leave me feeling unfulfilled and angry. Sad is alright in moderation, but ultimate sorrow doesn't leave me feeling good. I'm just like that I guess.

Go figure.