Well, it looks like we went from having no Christmas plans, to having a lot of Christmas plans.

Tomorrow, on Christmas, we will probably stop by Quay’s dad and step-mom’s house to visit for Christmas for a little while. They mentioned that they weren’t doing anything major but they’d like to see us.

Then on Wednesday, we are doing a Christmas with Quay’s mom here at our house. Nothing special, just making a simple ham dinner to celebrate Christmas.

And then the following weekend, we are going over to Quay’s aunt’s house to celebrate Christmas there with her boyfriend’s kids. We won’t be there long, that’s for sure. But it will still be a visit with them and the kids and we haven’t seen any of them in quite awhile.

Not sure how all of this is going to work with the new meds I am now upping every other day, but hopefully it goes well.

I hope all of my WdC friend’s holiday plans go smoothly and they enjoy their celebrations!

 

Dear Dad,

Hard to believe that you would’ve been 60 years old today. Forget YOU, that makes ME feel old! I bet the celebration would’ve been every bit as big and wonderful as you were. And it would pale in comparison to Christmas!

But it’s days like today that I really miss you. I really wish I could just call you up and tell you how things are going so you could tell me to ‘buck up’ or ‘keep doing great’ in that way you always did. I don’t know if Christmas will ever be easy for me again. I can only think of you, your birthday, your diagnosis, shorter days, and shorter lives. It was only when I got my last phone a few months ago when I took your number out of my address book. I felt like it was time, I guess.

I know you’d be proud of me though. I got straight A’s this semester taking 2 classes. When was the last time I could tell you that, huh? And I’ll be going to Southern New Hampshire University online starting in just a few weeks to finally finish this Bachelor’s degree I started right out of high school. Not sure what changed, but I feel like I can finally apply myself in school without giving up when things get hard. Maybe I realized that I was too stubborn to give up so I might as well just do it and get it over with. I’m not like my dad at all that way, am I?

Quay and I are doing well, too. I know it was you and Gramma that were watching over him the day of his accident and I can’t thank you enough for it. Things have been rough since then but we’re making it. We’re not letting things pull us apart and that’s a good thing. They draw us together and make us stronger. And when we look back on our first few years, we can truly say that we can make it through anything, you know?

My bipolar has gotten bad though. I’ve been relying on the mental health clinic for support a lot lately. I have a caseworker there now who helps me out. She’s really nice and she checks on me a lot. They have a rest bed that I go to sometimes when I need to get away for a few days. The meds they’ve had me on have been pretty crappy. One of them put me in the hospital with increased cranial pressure. One made me sleep 16-20 hours a day. And the one they just too me off of made the electrical impulses in my heart go weird. So now I’m onto another one. I hope this one works and doesn’t cause any weird symptoms. But I’m hanging in there and doing my best!

I really miss you, Dad. I wish you could tell me how things were going with you. I feel kind of silly writing this – almost like I’m talking to myself – but I know you can read it, or at least know how I feel. Thank you for watching over us. I always know it will be your "Footsteps in the hall..."  Happy Birthday!

Love always,

Krysha

 

Okay, I keep saying that I am going to blog over here more, and then I don’t. So it’s now officially on my recurring to-do list that I am going to. If I don’t, then it bugs me about it until I do. It’s like hitting the snooze button on the alarm in the morning. You can keep hitting snooze but it doesn’t go away until you do it!

We finally got the hot water tank replaced though. They found another part that needed to be fixed. It was an electronic part that ran the circulator to run the hot water through the pipes throughout our house since that’s what heats our house (hot water through pipes.) Our house stays much warmer now and I can only imagine that we’re going to burn a lot less fuel oil this winter!

And I’ve been kickin’ butt with my writing lately. Boy, have I! Want to see the new blog that I have as a professional freelance writer? You should totally leave me a comment and let me know you stopped by!
Writing Freelance Right  

It also counts as the final project for my computer class. I already finished my communications class. Now I’m just waiting for grades to come in but I know I did well, especially in my computers class. And next semester, starting on the 9th, I will be attending Southern New Hampshire University! I’m going to attend all online classes going for a Bachelor’s degree in Communications with an emphasis in Professional Writing! Does that not fit me or what! I’m so glad that I got to keep all my credits, too. That was something that was worrying me about getting my Associate’s degree first.

So other than that, things have been pretty up and down for me. You know how the bipolar life goes. I have a caseworker now at the mental heath clinic. Not sure if I mentioned that before. She helps me with paperwork and with groups and stuff that I can attend. She helps me get out of the house. They have me on a new medication, Geodon, in addition to everything else, and it seems to be working okay. My application for disability got denied though, so I am going to be appealing it and my caseworker is going to help me with that as well. According to them, I’ve had all of these things in the past and they’ve never got in the way before. Well, what about my job history tells them they’ve never got in the way before? And what about being hospitalized for a week and losing two jobs in the course of a month tells them I haven’t gotten worse? Oh, okay. But they know best. But! We’ll see what happens with that!

In the meantime, I’m just keeping up with school as best I can (yay for three weeks off though!) and then trying to keep up with my writing as much as possible so I can build my reputation and start to get more jobs that pay well. I hope everyone here has been doing well and is looking forward to the holiday (whichever holiday you celebrate! )

 

Well, I got a reminder to update my blog, and I actually have some good things to write about so I think I should write a blog post – what say you? I know I don’t post regularly anymore so I don’t have as many loyal readers as I used to, but that’s okay. Just writing and getting things down on paper (even virtual paper) will be nice.

So we’re still fighting with the mortgage company about a loan modification that will take a couple months worth of payments and put it at the back of our loan. The loan ‘person’ attached to our case hasn’t called us since she was first given our application in October (when we applied in July) but apparently they need more bank statements. But no one has called to tell us this. BUT! The $1,600 repair we need to have hot water again might be a lot easier to swallow, since my caseworker is fairly certain she can get me a $1,000 grant from the non-profit mental health center I go to that can help since I’m financially strapped and hot water is a necessity (especially in December.) We do have a little bit in savings, but definitely not enough to cover the whole bill, so if she can get us this grant, that means we can get the repair done before Christmas! Yay for hot water to shower in!

I’ve also been doing a lot of writing lately. I have myself set up more professionally than I ever have before, with separate PayPal and checking accounts, and even with business cards. You saw the professional website that I linked earlier. I’ve been ghostwriting for my own clients mostly, and ghostwriting on sites like Need an Article and Quality Gal, but I’ve also been posting work at what used to be Associated Content. Now it’s called Yahoo! Voices and I’ve been putting some of my Suite101 articles over there that have been posted for over a year so I have the ability to post them elsewhere. I’m hoping this helps get my name out there a bit more and helps build my reputation! Want to see some of the articles I’m posting there?
What You Need to Know About Diabetes  
Why & How to Obtain Pet Insurance on Your Pet  
How to Care for a New Tattoo  

In addition to writing, I’ve also been managing the bills as best I can with limited income. There’s also been a lot of paperwork for my disability application that I’ve been trying to stay on top of. I’m hoping that the reason why there’s more paperwork this time than last time is because they are taking it more seriously this time. That would be nice.

School has also been going well for me. I have A’s in both of my classes and the semester is almost over! I applied to attend Southern New Hampshire University online, and I hope that I can afford to go starting in March. They have 8 week classes there instead of the traditional 16 week semesters so I think that would be easier for me to handle since I always seem to lose it about half way through. I can still use some of my Vermont school grants, and of course I can use my Pell grants from the federal government, but my caseworker is trying to find me some other funding as well so that I don’t have to take out any more student loans (even the no interest government ones.) I would be going for a Bachelor’s degree in Communications with an emphasis in Professional Writing, which really fits me, and after this semester at the community college, I will have 72 credits to transfer. I hope that most of them fit into my degree program so I am really close to getting my degree!

So that’s all that’s going on here, really. Nothing overly exciting except for bad things, but even those can be spun around to be seen in a positive light. I hope that all of my friends here don’t feel that I’ve been neglecting them, and I will try to blog here more often since I am on the computer more often now.

 

I am writing to vent...

We finally got our house out of foreclosure. We're still a month behind, though.

And our hot water tank off the furnace is now shot. That's a $1600 repair. We still have hot water for the baseboard heat, but we have no hot water for doing dishes, bathing, etc. We're hoping the pipes don't freeze since we need an $800 deposit just to get the guy to schedule the repair. If I had the money to put down right now, he still wouldn't be out here to fix it until the 15th. Much longer and he won't be out here until after Christmas. We're lucky that the weather has been nice to us since it's nearly 50 degrees out today. *knock on wood*

And Quay's monthly stipend gets chopped in half for December and January since school isn't in session for the full months and it gets prorated.

We're working on things that might be able to help us, but in the meantime? Yeah, we're just floating along shit creek without a paddle.
 

Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here, so I’ll give you the quick version of the last three weeks.

At first, I spent a lot of time with Quay. It was important at the time, so other things got put on the back burner.

After that, I was put on new medication, but it didn’t agree with me and I ended up sleeping 16+ hours a day, and I usually had a numb tongue to top it all off. Due to all the sleeping, the week flew by.

This last week, I’ve been fairly manic, but I’ve kept myself relaxed as much as possible. The only outward sign that I am manic is that I am not sleeping much at all. However, I have used that time wisely and I have set myself up for a freelancing career again. This time I won’t be working with other writers to get huge projects done. This time I am going to be doing the writing myself. The only work I won’t be doing myself is a bit of editing and some image work. But I am going to do better quality work, with a better reputation, that will earn me better pay. I’ve already taken steps to present myself in a more professional manner. Wanna see? http://kryshathayer.info

So what do you think?

Things will be busy for us over the next few weeks as we both finish up our semesters. We’re not doing anything for the holidays since no family here in Vermont has made us feel welcome enough for us to want to accept their invitation to spend a holiday with them and I’d rather spend the time alone at home with Quay and the dogs anyway. It will be a nice, quiet vacation from the stress over the last months. Especially the last few weeks that have been financially stressful. Let’s just hope that Quay’s settlement from the car accident comes through soon so we can keep the house. *crosses fingers*

But I hope all of my friends here have been well. Please do keep in touch, and if you’re not on Facebook, please email me here to let me know and I will send you my personal email address.

 

Okay, well... I guess I should explain where I’ve been for a week+, huh?

My ranting in my last post was just the beginning. Things got worse for me personally as well as between my husband and I. I was angry to the point of taking the violence out on myself by hitting, digging things into my skin, and slamming myself into things. I made a call and had a bed waiting for me at a ‘respite bed.’ It’s a place for people who don’t need a psych ward but still need the support of 24/7 therapists and just an escape from the triggers causing your problems.

I went there last Monday after class and I came home yesterday afternoon. Not quite 7 days there, but I feel a lot better. I was able to put my own emotions into perspective. I met some really awesome people there and I will be visiting to see them again. We may even set up a weekly poker night. But most of all, it gave Quay and me time apart to determine what our problems were. We had conversations every night to talk about things and make our feelings felt by the other. By Saturday night, I felt as if we both had a better understanding of where we were as individuals emotionally, as well as where we stood together.

When I came home, I felt as if I was coming home to our life of 8 months ago, after we got married and bought the house but before the accident. The big elephant in the room was now a pink stuffed animal the dogs were playing tug-o-war with (figuratively, of course) and the stress wasn’t making us do and say things we didn’t mean.

It wasn’t just good for ME to get away for a week and have that support there... It was good for Quay to have time alone to contemplate, too... And it was good for US because we could finally have a conversation with clear hearts and minds...

 

It’s amazing what can happen in two days...

I’ve gotten more overwhelmed with things that are going on in my life. I was keeping up with writing an article every once in a while, talking with friends, and keeping track of the budget. I could handle that, and I had been okay with it for a long time.

Now we have the mortgage company needing paperwork. And the state needing paperwork. And we are finally starting to get money in (very little, but still.) So it’s adding to what I’m doing. Still, I was keeping up, and I was proud of myself for doing it all and still doing school. As far as school goes, I only have one more payment to make and the semester is paid for, and I have A’s in both classes. This is a huge achievement for me.

But I am now getting mad at so many things. And I hate to say it, but a lot of it originates with Quay.

He only has two household chores: dishes and trash. Every dish in my home is completely dirty and I had to use a gladware container to eat cereal out of this morning. Dirty dishes that the dogs have ‘cleaned’ for us are all over the kitchen floor. And he got mad when he had to go around to each room last night and gather up trash for this morning’s pick-up. He was so flustered about having so much homework to do and then he realized that he had an interview with a psychiatrist today for his research paper on bipolar and he hadn’t prepared any questions. He was upset about being behind so I helped him. I brought up his GoogleDocs and started typing away. He helped with a few but I wrote 75% of them.

After we were done and I printed out his papers, we laid down. I was watching TV when I realized he wasn’t there. I found him playing video games at 11:30pm. I figured he was burning off steam and I asked him to come to bed when he was done. At 2am, I went down again and he was still playing. He all this free time to play games and yet he couldn’t wash one set of dishes or do his OWN homework?

I may not keep the house spic and span by mopping and dusting and vacuuming every week, but that house is organized and at least looks presentable. The kitchen is spotless except for the pile of dishes and the ones on the floor.

And he talks to the state and the mortgage people and they tell him they need things but he doesn’t tell me when I’m awake, or write it down for me, so now I have no idea what to send to them. He sets his own appointments but misses them because he doesn’t write down when they are. He forgets about homework assignments that are due the next day when he’s gotten caught up in something due next WEEK.

I am tired 90% of the day. I have a headache 75% of the day. I spend my time awake by filling out paperwork so we don’t lose our house (that could be gone next month) or our health benefits and food stamps (that we just got back last week because I got them the paperwork they needed.) I do homework to keep up to date with my classes. I write articles to earn even $20 a day if I can. I cook meals since Quay’s idea of cooking a meal is throwing a frozen pizza in the oven or making mac’n’cheese. I don’t have bipolar meds and I feel like my ball and chain is keeping me stranded on a sinking ship because he won’t look at any opportunities to jump shit and go somewhere we would have a roof over our head. I’ve asked him since May to sell his truck so we could pay the mortgage and he didn’t, and now it’s almost winter and no one is going to buy a 2WD truck in the winter.

He’s doing NOTHING to help the situation. When I talk to him about it, of course me mentions that he’s not making things difficult on purpose but by not doing anything to help he’s making things worse. And as much as I’ve tried to bring this across to him, nothing changes.

I am doing more than I should with how bad I feel right now, and I feel worse every day for it, and I see us sinking farther because he won’t pull his own weight let alone take some weight off of me.

I know this blog just a really long rant but I really needed to get it off my chest. I talked with my therapist today and that helped, but she can’t give me advice on what to do, she can only guide me to make the decisions myself. I need my friends to just listen to me, and if possible, find a way that I can keep a sinking ship afloat when more and more weight is being added and my waterwings are leaking air.

 

As you may have noticed, I have thinned down the list of member blogs that were on the site. Many of them were now deleted or private, or they hadn’t been contributed to in months/years. If you follow my blog though, I want to follow yours! So leave me a blog comment or send me an email so that I can add it to the list of blogs I read every other day or so!

Other than that, there really wasn’t much I wanted to say. Today kind of sucked. I slept until 6pm because I felt like crap, I spent some time online, and then Quay and I had to go pick up his mom from the airport. Her flight got in at like 11:30pm. That sucked. The ride home sucked, too. I think the rain on the windshield distorted the lights from the highway reflective signs and it screwed with my eyes/head and I ended up having another seizure/convulsion thing. I remember some of this one though. I felt like all the lights were moving past me at light speed and like my brain wasn’t attached to my body. It was a REALLY weird feeling.

But I am feeling okay now. In fact, I feel more awake than I did before we left for the airport. I think I am going to do some writing of articles and some reviewing of WdC pieces until I’m tired again and then I’ll lie down. I don’t see the point in crawling into bed just to toss and turn because I can’t sleep because I went to bed when I wasn’t tired, you know?

Anyway, that’s all for tonight. And don’t forget – send me a message if you follow my blog so I can add yours to my blogroll!

 

Well, I’m quite proud of myself today. I didn’t get any of the mystery shops done that I had taken out, but there was no way I could’ve handled that. I need to take things slower when it comes to working outside the house. I did get 5 articles written though, and I earned just over $40. I know that’s not a lot for a day’s work but it’s money that we didn’t have before, and I earned it for us. It’s been a long time since I could contribute, so it made me feel good about myself. I have more work that I can do as I feel up to it to make more money. I like writing articles because I can walk away from it mid-sentence if I need to lay down and I can come right back to the same spot when I feel better.

I also wrote a poem today. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that, too. It’s not necessarily how I feel overall, and I definitely don’t portray these emotions, but they are there... It’s like they are lying just under the surface of what’s real in my mind waiting for something to trigger them into existence. Maybe because I wrote about them, they will back off a little and I won’t have to worry so much. The picture is a link to the poem: