Hi Shellyville,

Have you ever seen a live turkey? I don't mean the clean skinned one at the super-market, but live running around! Last week I seen two...Last night in my dream...I seen about 15.

I don't know why my dreams have to be so darn strange!!

Why would I be surrounded by turkeys? I tell ya, even in Shellyville...Strange things happen.

I only have one message that was the main theme of my dream and that was...You are Loved.

Yeah, I told it over and over to this little boy in my dream. He wasn't Jackson but I suppose in some way he was.

Yesterday we got a report from Jackson's social worker. She gave Jackson one of those personality, mental health test. In the way they present the questions you can"t lie. You get the same question asked a few different ways. It all boils down to understanding where Jackson is emotionally and how he feels about himself.

It's the kind of test that you don't want to see if it's negative. You want to believe that you have a very happy, well adjusted child. Well, I don't. I have a child that hates himself. After reading the answers to 136 questions, I wanted to cry.

I am only going to highlight a few of the ones that really bothered me.

I hear voices in my head, I see things that others can't see. I am lonely, I feel sad always. I worry about what is going to happen. Someone else controls my thoughts. I feel like my life is getting worse and worse. I feel depressed. No one understands me. People say bad things to me. My looks bother me. I wish I were someone else. I don't think I am a good person.

This list scares me. This is really my child and I know it but I try to ignore it. I don't want to crawl inside the darkness. I like to believe that the medication and school support and my love will be enough. I know now it never will be. I know that most of this is bipolar related. I know he can not help the way he thinks because of the chemical imbalance that compounds his thinking.

How can I not be scared? I want a happy child. I want a boy that is secure in who he is. The point here, is that he is. He knows himself well enough to answer these questions honestly. Now, what do I do about it?

I know from personal experience that the only thing I can do is love him. Try to help him understand what part is the illness and what part is faulty thinking. I can not take away the reality of his thoughts. I don't have that kind of control and I know it. I wish I did. I honestly wish I could make him see his goodness.

My life long journey is to teach my children about self-love. It took me too long to discover mine. I want my children to have it. I want them to know it and express it. I want them to see that even with faults and depressing thoughts, we are still lovable. We are still beautiful and worth the effort of living.

You can toss me all the negatives you want, but one by one I will deal with them. I'm not letting a little illness like bipolar steal my loving child. Never!

You are LOVED!

Love,
Michelle