Hi Shellyville,

Do you know how close we are to Christmas?

It must be close because the toy catalogs have started to arrive. Forget Halloween and Thanksgiving...Bring on the TOYS!

Jackson and Savanna love to look and dream over the toy catalogs. I let them circle as many items as they can. I always tell them, they can dream all they want but only Santa knows what the right toy is and he will bring it.

I LOVE Santa!!

I wonder if Santa knows how much he has to bring this year? Do you think it is too early to send him a letter?

Love,
Michelle
 

HI Shellyville,

Do you like the truth? I know I'm good at speaking it. I'm not afraid to say what is on my mind.

I know the truth is something so powerful. So much of who I am revolves around believing in my inner truth and beauty.

What I have to learn is that not everyone can handle the truth or can live with their own truth or beauty. I was invited to a group therapy session with Brenda yesterday. It was all about this therapist wanting to gather a group of woman together to share her point of view of becoming mindful and in-touch with her eating habits and in the process help others achieve the same goal.

Sounds like a great idea and for $30 bucks a class for 8 weeks a great way to make some cash.

I was not buying it.

This is another one of those cases, were being a friend is hard work. I had to be honest with the therapist and Brenda. I was not going to return to this group. I did not find the value of the class and I was insulted by the therapist and her assumptions of woman.

Sure woman in general take on a bunch of stuff, but this woman knew nothing about me. She had no idea where my inner strength was or my personal self-image. She assumed that because she was un-happy that everyone in the room was too.

I take real offense of that as a budding therapist. I wouldn't ever join a group together if I didn't have a general idea of who the ladies were and done some research. How she could assume and present to a group was stunning. The more I think about it, the more upset I become. Is it any wonder I am confused?

How can we continue to put our personal problems on others? When is personal responsibility going to be taught? I take full credit for who I am and what problems I have. I will not blame society or the kid down the street. I will not expect the world to change my problems if I'm not willing to put the work into myself to change.

I don't know if I felt this way a year ago, but I sure do feel this way now. Perhaps school changed the way I feel or really believing in myself and falling in-love with me. I don't know but I am sticking with the truth! It might not be pretty but it is who I am.

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

Well it's too good to be true, three weeks left of class and I have 2 more papers and a speech. I am as burned out as can be.

I think I'm taking the day from thinking. I don't like where my mind energy is right now.

It's not healthy to be so depressed about my life. I don't like where I am at. Just last night our 17year old TV decided to die. I need TV to escape.

I don't have the money to purchase a new one. I don't have the money to do half the things I want to do. I really am not good at this worrying about money. I suck at it. I am all zapped out. Looks like little rays of sunshine is going to find a dark cave and come out in the spring!

Good night,
Love ya,
Michelle
 

Hi Shells,

How was your trip south? Did you have a good time? Was it fun to visit the old homestead?

Yes, the trip was fine, too much rain and very cold! My old house looks the same and that is amazing considering I have been gone for 12 years.

I think the highlight of the trip besides visiting Deanne was hanging out with Savanna. That girl can make me laugh!!

I never knew she was a pint-size-mini-me but she is! She is coming into her sense of humor and self. I love it. I don't want her to be like me, but I like that she can hang with me and get my odd sense of humor. I think we both needed a girls weekend away.

We walked around the mall and she made me go on this merry-go-round. They have this huge one in the Fort Wayne mall and it was incredible but she wanted to sit in the spinning cup and then some other little girl jumped in and together they spun that sucker until I felt like I was gonna puke. I never get sick on fast spinning rides, but after the long car trip and that thing, I wanted to lay down!!

It was funny, but what is a carousel doing in a mall?

Anyway, we had fun and I was able to settle my stomach and enjoy the rest of the weekend. It really was a quick trip but worth it. I even took the long way home on Sunday and we stopped at all the Antique malls I could find. I loved that and I have a million ideas for Savanna for Christmas.

She likes those little glass animals and glass paper weights. With her birthday 5 days before Christmas, I have always made a big deal out of her birthday. This year she will be turning 12. I still can't believe it. She is still so sweet and innocent. I am so happy she hasn't had to grow up too soon. Life is good!

Love,
Michelle


 

Hi Shellyville,

If you are here for some sunshine, you need to stop right now. This entry will not be sunny.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from an old friend from Fort Wayne. Deanne is one of my true friends. I will drop anything to help her and she would do the same for me.

She has been trying to call me for a week, but I was never home and I never took the time to call her back, but I called yesterday to follow-up, I just had a feeling that something wasn't right, so when I called I got her answering machine, I left a little hello. She called right back.

I knew instantly that something was wrong. She told me her house burned. It was totally destroyed and she lost every thing inside.

She said this was the worst thing that has ever happened to her and I believe her. I know she has gone thru some serious things before, 2 divorces and all, but losing her house was beyond compare. You know it sounds superficial, but this wasn't just an ordinary house. It was her safety net. It was her small country home that she worked her butt off to improve.

I looked around my house and was in awe of the feeling of losing it all. I mean sure I would want my kids to be safe and I was happy no one was home during her fire. But if you think past the safety issue, you go deeper into the core of the loss. She said the doctor has given her medications to handle the anxiety and panic attacks, and sleeping pills so she won't have nightmares.

I am so upset. It really hurts to know someone I love can be broken down like that. I am going to go meet her in Fort Wayne on Saturday. I told her I had to come. She is so grateful, I could hear the relief in her voice.
Savanna would like to come too, so I am going to make it a girls weekend. Savanna is so compassionate and loving and has already gathered some personal things to give Deanne.

Deanne has the insurance money and needs to go shopping and the insurance company has to decide now if they are going to bulldoze the property and start over. Right now, she is living in her daughters spare bedroom. Everything that she needs is over-whelming her. I just cringe to think of her having to do all this all over.

When she moved out and got her first divorce her kids were in middle school. She struggled to support them but she did it. When they made it to high school she found this property and rented it. After many years of renting, the owner finally let her purchase the property and the land. She did it. When she remarried, her new husband wanted her to sell the property but she didn't. She hung on to it and rented it out. Years later, when he cheated on her, she moved back into her house.

This house was so special. I mean it was small, but so charming and perfect. It fit it her like a glove. it was her everything and now it is all gone. Even I can't imagine that feeling. I'm stunned. Look around at where you are right now, are you willing to lose every single item you own? Sure, I might joke that I would like a new this or a new that, but never in my wildest dreams would I want to replace every single thing at once.

All I ask is that you treasure the things you love. Make plans for accidents and take stock of what you own.

Most of all Love!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

Last night I had dinner with friends and tonight I am going to have dinner with more friends. I love the last night of class. We all bring a dish to pass and celebrate the end of another class finishing.

I am going to miss my teacher. Kathy has been extremely encouraging to me. I even made a copy of my grades because her feedback has been so positive. Not every teacher can inspire your best work, but Kathy made me push past my comfort zone! I am very pleased with Group Therapy and it was something I wasn't sure about.

My next class is called Portfolio 2 and it's all about judging where we are at. What we have learned so far from the program and if we are ready to move on to the more serious classes. I am looking forward to giving a speech next week and writing a paper. I can't wait to talk about what I have learned inter-personally.

I need to do some research so I can come up with the perfect words to describe the growth I have experienced. Will I ever find the right words?

Love ya,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I am so happy today! I believe the sun is trying to come out to play.

I think Jackson is manic, but in a nice way. I so love to see him so happy, but he keeps me on my toes.

The meeting with Savanna's teachers was great. They both want her to succeed and told her what a great student she was, they made her feel important. It has changed the way she feels about school and maybe now we can get her on track with organizational skills.

I only have 4 more weeks of school and I will finally get my well deserved break. I can hardly wait. No trip but still to be home for 2 weeks with no school will be enjoyable.

Brian has been sending out a ton of resumes but no response yet. This part is so hard. The waiting for a call or an interview. I know the opportunities are out there, but the waiting for them to land in our lap is disheartening.

Patience is something I am not good at!

I bid on an auction package a few months ago, I am always all over the auctions around here. I love the fun stuff here sometime more than the writing....shh...don't tell anyone...Anyway, today my package arrived and I can't wait to share it. I am so happy this feature is available. So tell me which picture do you like the best?




 

Hi Shellyville,

I have been reading Lawrence poetry this morning. I am so glad that Kansaspoet has returned. I can't tell you how many wonderful writers have just walked out.

My heart will forever be empty. I have to say I have a really hard time with Goodbye and 2 years ago, I would become undone when a writer would leave. Now, I am almost expecting them to go.

It is just a sign of the times, what choice do you have? You must travel with the flow of the water. Why fight a current that is so strong and powerful?

I fight the current to leave, I have changed my pen name from ShellySunshine to Michelle. I am willing to transform myself a million times to stay here and write.

I don't know exactly what the charm is it must be the unspoken bond around my heart and muse. I have been other places and tried to make blogs, but nothing can compete to the feeling I get here. I have never been one to worry about my views or what comments are not being left. I don't live my life by others standards.

I'm happy here.

** #1584464 Not An Image **

 

Hi Shellyville,

You know getting old can be fun, just think of it as recreating your youth...enjoying all your classic books...


 

Hello Shelly baby,

I think I might be the only person that loves Shi's image auction. This time I was able to snatch up a few Halloween images.

I love Halloween, but really haven't been in the fall spirit. I suppose my plate has been full of worry, that I haven't been able to enjoy the cold and gray weather.

Today the sun is shining, it is a brisk 42' degrees and I want to go to the apple orchard. I don't know if we will make it. We are on a strict no shopping budget. Even getting a few pumpkins seems to be daunting to Brian.

Do you believe things happen for a reason? I do! I have always believed that God gives me messages, when I least expect them. If this isn't a wake-up call, I am not sure what is.

I am not happy with my life. He is making me see the error of my ways. He is pointing the mirror in my face and I am not so happy with what I am seeing.

I have known that I'm a selfish woman.
I have known that I have never saved for a rainy day.
I have known that I am spoiled.
I have known that I always get what I want.
I love to live in a fantasy world sprinkled with reality.
I have always had others take care of me.
I haven't prepared for this.

I am unprepared to be hurt. I don't know what I am doing in this situation. If it is not to change my horrible spending ways.

I have taken full advantage of my lifestyle. I have lived beyond my means. I am not one to point fingers or lay blame for the things I have. I have everything I want. I have 2 kids. I have a loving husband. I own my car and my house.

I have laundry and worries. I have food in all my cupboards. I have debt. I have changes that I must make.

It is the small changes that make the most impact. Perhaps the last three years were just the sounding board for the true changes I need to make now. I had to travel to the past. I had to face some demons. I had to make so many huge mistakes in my love life.

All of it too bring me here today.

Looking in the mirror and still loving all of me. Mistakes or not. This is who I am.

What I do now, determines the real character I want to be. Still giving, still living in the fantasy world and still hoping for a better outcome.

I think I'm ready for that trip...
** #1609550 Not An Image **
 

Hi Shellyville,

All kinds of grapes make all kinds of wine, but today I made concord wine.

I have never made wine before, so when Brenda asked if Brian and I would wanted to join her and her husband make wine, we of course had to say yes.

You know me, I say yes to a lot of things!

I was expecting the Lucy scene with the big wooden vat of grapes, but it wasn't that kind of party.

Every year Doug and Brenda help some friends make wine and celebrate with a luncheon and wine sampling.
It was very cold this morning but I was bundled up and ready to help. I didn't have much to do. I stood around and watched the guys crank the press.

It was actually a homemade press and 8 gallons of fermented grapes that needed to be pressed and poured into large glass containers. In 6 months those containers will be poured into wine bottles.

It's pretty interesting how the family made the wine for the year. He doesn't grow enough so he purchased grapes from several farms and mixes them until he finds the right combination to give him 5 different kinds of wines. Today was only the red wines and what a mess!

Now I want to see how a large winery is set up. It makes me wish I was alive when my grandpa made dandelion wine. I always heard how wonderful that was. That trip to Italy is sounding better every day!

** #1528944 Not An Image **




 

Hi Shellyville,

Do you ever disappoint yourself? I am not so happy with myself today. I feel like I have let my girl down. I pride myself on my organizational skills. I know how to file,delegate and put things in order.

How could I have not taught those skills to my girl? Savanna is falling down in a way that is scary. I know she has the smarts, but to see her so lost at school is frightening. She has lost touch with what is important, where papers go, what gets handed in. All of it is a mess of amazing proportions.

I know we can get her out of this mess, but can she? You see, I believe we all have to find our way in the world. That each kid needs to fail, so they learn from it. My problem here is that if she keeps failing, she will begin to beat herself up and lose faith in her ability. We are starting to see that and it scares me.

Life is hard enough, you don't need to constantly be the one that tells you-you are a mess! That is not cool!

You know what is extremely funny about all this...Jackson. Oh man does he love seeing his sister have problems. Today he was smiling and as happy as I have seen in a long time. Agreeable and down right friendly.

All because he seen that Savanna was in a bad place emotionally!

It actually makes me laugh. I get a kick out of this role reversal. It is so true, we are all at the play ground and someone has left me on the titter-totter all by myself! I may never get off!

I hope you have an UP weekend!

** #1608144 Not An Image **
 

Hi Shellyville,

I don't like doing team papers! There I said it.

It is always a challenge to take other's work and add it to your own. No wonder I have only done a few activities with other writers. We all have our own style. Which is really amazing when you think we all use most of the same words, or at least we have access to the same words.

Still, the difference is there. No denying it.

I need to change my focus this morning. I need to think of something more fun for a moment. I think I will tell ya about last nights party for Jackson.

Jackson invited his 2 favorite families over for a pizza party and cake. He had his cake before the pizza, totally allowed on your birthday! We made a chocolate cake in the shape of a football.

He loved it and helped me make it, but gave the credit to dad for making it? What was that about? I tell ya, the mom gets no respect. Anyway, he was a very happy boy he loved his presents and he enjoyed playing game cube with his buddies from next door. It helps to have a family next door with extra controllers so more kids could play!

Now he is getting his height checked on the family board. I tell ya, I do have to add the pictures! LOL
Okay at age 11 Savanna was the same height that Jackson is now at 8! Holy cow at that rate he is going to be 6 feet tall by age 11!

I am off to download the pictures...brb

Okay, this is new to me, but you can just add the picture right to the blog? Magic!!


 

Hi Shelly momma,

Your baby boy is 8 years old today!!

What an amazing roller-coaster ride life has been! That boy came into the world soon after 9/11. My heart was torn with grief.

He smelled like fresh dirt and I was amazed at how warm and beautiful he looked. So strong and sweet and so damn sure of himself.

His presence here on earth is a test to everything I am. They say kids change you and they do. Sometimes if your lucky they even change you for the better.

Jackson has moved my soul in a direction I never knew it could travel.

He pushes me every day to be more, to live more, love more and express more.

I am so lucky to be Jackson's mom. He is my teacher. He is my old soul partner and he is my friend.

The bond I have with Jackson is something that is hard for me to describe. It is beyond the typical mother-son connection. I am so damn lucky!! I still can't believe he is only turning 8. He has aged me 15 years.

Happy Birthday Jackson!!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shells,

Today I get to play driver. I am taking Brenda to her dentist appointment. I like when I can help out a friend and it gives me a chance to get away from homework.

I have my paper done, now I am waiting for the team members to finish up their parts and I will put it all together.

I wish my kids homework was that simple. Oh what a rough start we are having this school year. Progress reports just came out and Savanna is failing. Half of her homework is missing and her grades on test are horrible. I am not surprised. She hasn't been bringing home anything and whenever we ask her if she has homework, she kept telling us no.

I allow my kids to make mistakes, but to simple be so lost is not acceptable. So the whip is coming down and she has to pull up her grades. It is so hard to see your kids struggle. I get it. I was just like that. I find I walk this tight-rope with the kids.

Brian and I will make more of an effort to help Savanna out and we also want to change Jackson's IEP. The stress this year is insane. He is so smart but so hard on himself, he can't write. I don't know why, but something inside him is not connecting to the page. We have put him on ADD medicine, and it helped for a little bit but now the side effects are getting worse. We were so worried this would happen.

Meds stimulate his mind in a way that is dangerous. His anger has increased, nightmares. His frustration level. The things he says. Everything is too much to handle. God why can't anything be easy?
I want his work at school to be reduced. I want his IEP to state that he can give verbal answers and that he can later work on his writing at home. I know the kid can write. I know he can learn. Why he can't pull them both together is a mystery. All I know is we are setting him up to fail. In the long run what are we proving? What do I want to accomplish in the long run?

If all I want is happy, healthy kids, why is school such a pain in the butt? School is like work, you get out what you put in. I have to teach my kids the value of hard work. Life is never easy but why should it be?

Have a wonderful day!

You can call me Driving Ms. Daisy...

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Hi Shellyville

I have nothing to write about.

I have to write a 3 page paper and combine it with my team members to produce a 9 page paper that is due on Thursday.

I don't feel like it. I am so burned out on school. I need an attitude adjustment.

I need to write this silly paper, so it is done and I don't have to think about it all day. I would rather be doing something else. Like reviewing and hanging out.

I think I am just burned out on writing papers that have already been written. Nothing seems original. Not being able to use my imagination or creative writing for school, takes away my joy for writing.

I know it is only temporary, but still it does bug me!

I have to go find my joy in writing again. Any suggestions??

Love,
Michelle
 

HI Shellyville,

Yes, there are times in my life I want to ignore. There are times I wish I could disappear and pretend I was never here.

You see, I have this problem that takes so much energy. It isn't something that I can control. It never makes sense and I have no idea what it means.

I love him.

I really really love him and I hurt in places I never knew existed until he was born. He is that part of me.

His energy when positive can lift me to the sky, but when his monster or as he calls it "the anger bug" gets activated, I want to run and hide.

I have no idea what will spurn the change in him. I never know what direction his displeasure will go. All I know it that sometimes, I want to ignore it. I fade out of existence.

It is impossible to be his everything 24/7. I can no longer carry his entire burden on my soul. I am now learning to let go and fade.

In order to protect myself, I can't always engage him. I have to learn to ignore the anger so that I don't get hurt.

Only 2 more hours to go and he will be in bed! This day will end, and I will find peace. Will he ever?

Dear God, I pray that what we are doing now will help him later on.
I pray that he will always find you in his heart.
Please grant us all peace of mind, body and soul.
Amen,

I Love you!
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

The sun is shining! For real, I can see it!! I haven't been outside yet, but I am so happy to see the sun!

I really do take the sunshine for granted. I take those beams of light to transform my mind and create new beginnings.

New beginnings...new adventures, places not yet traveled.

What do new beginnings mean to you? Is it about starting over or just changing where your at? At my age do I really get to have second chances? YES.

I can have as many new beginnings as I want. I can create the life I want. I can have it all. Nothing and nobody is stopping me, but myself.

I think I will be getting out of my way today, I am going outside to PLAY!!


** #1549832 Not An Image **
 

Hi Shellyville,


It's homecoming Friday and the parade is canceled. No party in town due to the rain. YUCK!

I am so tired of this rain. I need some sunshine. Do you have any you can spare?

I am in that dark place again. I don't like to spend so much time in my own mind. I need a break from the mundane.

Yesterday, I went to see the movie Whip It, before class. It was very sweet and funny, but still not enough humor to take me out of my heavy thoughts.

I think it's game night.

So much saddess in my life right now. You know death is so heavy in the air. I know it is a part of life, we come and go and we have no control of the timing. I just wish those left behind didn't have to suffer so much. I am sending all my love to Ken and his family. I am hurting for my friend today.


I LOVE YOU!!

Love,
Michelle
 

HI Shellyville,

I told ya I couldn't keep a secret! As soon as I finished my blog yesterday, I sat and talked to Brian.

I know keeping things private in a relationship is not healthy, esp when it revolves around money!!

So here is the deal, I can go but only after he has a job and the money is available. I can wait for that to happen.

I don't always have to do everything so soon. I like to plan in advance but in this case, I can plan all I want, I just can't spend the money now and I understand that. Simple.

Oh boy, why is it so hard to grow up?

I don't normally make things more complicated for myself, but hey, I am a work in progress.

Hey I found a new writer yesterday that I want you to go welcome... Joseph Michael Webb I love his poetry.

Okay, I am off to chase the yellow brick road...

Love ya,
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