Hi Shells,

We did it! Happy Blue Monday!

I love my Blog! I love my little time at the computer when my mind pours out. I should write deeper and more meaningful words. I need to express the poetry of my heart and soul more. I was going to do that with this "little" vacation from school, but it didn't happen.

I don't feel the passion burning inside like I did two years ago. I miss the men that helped create my fantasy world. It was time for them to move on, but not me. I want more.

I work better when pushed. I never knew that about me. I always thought I was a loner, but not when it comes to poetry. I have to be inspired by desire to write. I have to have something to say, some hidden message in my words to express my inner conflict.

Right now, only Jackson is my conflict and that is not inspiring poetry. I had horrible dreams last night about Jackson having "spleen" cancer. I don't even know if you can have cancer in your spleen, but he was a little 5 year old boy and he was doing chemo and losing his hair and I was right there with him. I wouldn't leave his side.

I know what it means, but really, Cancer? I had to have that kind of dream? Like being bi-polar isn't enough? I think in many ways, I want him to have cancer; we can fix it and it goes away. Not so much with mental illness. This is not going away. It's not just one-trip to fix, it is never ending. It's never ending and it has a happy ending. I know it does. I have a happy place I go to. I have it. I know many other people have that inner happy place. I just have to teach that to Jackson.

So happy Blue Monday and many more! I will live in my happy place and I will share it. I can have Sanity and Sunshine!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I promise I won't mess up my pretty blue month! It was my gift (to me) to write everyday this month & I have almost accomplished it!

I think it's that time again to increase the medications. I wish I could increase mine or convince Brian he needs something. The stress level is growing kinda of high around here. Jackson is off the wall. His negative self-talk and death wishes are growing stronger.

I don't know what is worse, the way he feels about himself or the way he acts out in frustration? The problem is, he is always going to feel some kind of unease with school, family, and life in general. Nothing right now seems to make him happy, and even video games can stress him completely out if he is not winning.

I feel like Bri & I are walking on egg shells, and I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again. I told Jackson today that I was worried it was time to go back to the hospital. He knew what I meant. He is worried too. He knows that hating himself is something he can't control. I know that too. Now, what the hell do I do about it?

I need help and I have run out of options. I tried to get his old therapist to see him again, but she is not taking any new patients. His therapist Steve freaks him out so he(Jackson) won't share what is bothering him, so that is not helping. I need to call the day-hospital and see if they can take him. I don't know if he can go without his doctor sending him. Why is getting help so damn hard?

It really is a long way home, but I am going to keep traveling until I arrive at happy!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

On the road again! Off to see Grandma and the other-half of the family.

I promise to be on my best behavior and not take too much grief over the Buckeyes beating Michigan...Again....

The best part is that the sun is shining and I love the sunshine! I need to get out more. Of course it is only 30' outside...HELLO that is COLD!

Good thing I can stay inside and walk. I have a treadmill but I don't usually tell anyone that. I don't want to be accused of not using it.

Have a fun weekend

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

How many games of Yahtzee do you have to play to beat your kids? A LOT!!!!

Still, it was fun and after several games I was ready to stop and clean house. Yesterday, was wonderful and now today really feels like a vacation.

The kids talked Brian into putting up the Christmas decorations today. So Santa is on his way! I do love the big jolly fellow. I just wish it didn't take all day and 12 tubs of decorations to get started.

Don't even tell me I have too much! That is one subject that is off limits! You can never have enough of holiday JOY!

JOY JOY JOY LOVE LOVE LOVE JOY HO HO HO

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Hi Shellyville,

I have no funny jokes today, Only one wish that you share the love of your family and friends today.

We are lucky to be here. Don't forget to love the ones you are with.

I could have gone without this news, but I am so glad someone shared this with me. I loved Larry. He made me a better poet. I will forever miss his words.

http://www2.ljworld.com/obits/2009/nov/25/larry-powers/

Life is a gift, use it wisely!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love you,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I am here all because two people fell in love!

Rose and Dominic and I miss em! It's been 7 years and I still expect mom to send me a birthday card in the mail!

I love growing older. I like the freedom I have as an adult. I like that I'm ultimately in charge and the life I am living is all mine. Sometimes it's not a bad thing being selfish!

I'm taking the kids out for lunch today to visit my twin. Jackson doesn't want to go and he might stay home with Brian, but I am going with Savanna, and we will pick up my sister Jackie. All of us will show up at Matt's diner and surprise him.

I plan on having a wonderful day!

I hope you have one too!
Love ya,

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Hi Shellyville,

Oh my temper is starting to rise...This is not good! I need to step down and cool off before I approach Jackson's principal today.

Nothing has changed in the way of helping my child adjust to this new school year. I am so sick of seeing my kid come unglued because of poor adult staffing issues.

I pray that something good happens soon for Jackson. Just getting three days off a school seems like heaven to me. I really wish we could all escape like we had planned. It is a true bummer that Brian lost his job.

In many ways, it has been good for us as a family. We have been forced to talk more and get on the same page about what is healthy for the kids. Still, it has added to the stress level and that is never good for anyone.

I'm still lost about my emotions over Jackson. Last night I was trying to talk to Brian about it, but he shut me down. It was horrible going to bed mad at him, but he wouldn't allow me to express my anger. He said I had to stick with the plan and only talk about the facts. I wish I knew exactly what the facts were. All I know is that his school sucks. His teacher is stressed out. Kids are out of control emotionally. The space in the room is smaller than my kitchen, and no I don't have a large kitchen. The para-professionals in the classroom keep changing and it's a mess.

It's a mess...

The only positive thing that is happening is in my mind. Last night in my dreams I went to Scottie. Just like I normally do, this time I met up with him and his father. It was a incredible visit and so strange, It was like meeting again and feeling 17. I even said that in my dream and this time Scottie walked away. It wasn't romantic or escapism. It was realism, that I don't need him anymore. That I am a big girl and can handle this like an adult.

You have no idea how huge that is. You have no idea how many times I have gone to Scottie to rescue me when I was upset with Brian. I think I finally figured it out. I don't need anyone else but myself. I think even my dreams have confirmed that I am sane. I am not looking for a place to escape or feel needed or love. I am getting all that at home now, in my own heart.

I feel so blessed by this discovery. I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. It's one of the greatest feelings.

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

Do you ever wake up thinking that today is going to be better? I have high hopes for today. I am not sure why, but I have this feeling like something good is going to happen.

It could be that I finish the laundry.
It could be that I get some reading done.
It could be that I walk the dog.
Maybe Brian will get a phone call for a job?
Maybe I will get money in the mail?

You just never know what is going to make a day special.

Whatever it is...I'm ready!

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p.s...Thank you everyone for being so kind and making me feel better.

Hey just got the mail! I got a card from my mother-in-law for $10!!! Too Funny!
 

Hi Shellyville,

I made a huge mistake yesterday. I said something to someone and I hurt their feelings.

I keep forgetting how sensitive some people are. I feel like a fool.

I am responsible for making someone leave this site. I can't even begin to tell you the guilt I feel. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

What I thought was being helpful turned into a disaster. I promise from now on, I'm not going to comment on how people review. I am keeping to myself. I love this site and can't imagine hurting another soul.

I am sorry and I hope someday I can forgive myself.

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shells,

Oh this is one more Saturday in a month of Saturdays that I have not enjoyed my football team.

I don't know what happened to my Michigan team, but it's just one more thing to add to my irritation list.

Man, I hate Ohio State. I don't mind saying the word hate. In this case, I happen to really dislike that team and mean it.

Sure, I married an Ohio man and my entire (in-law) family are fanatics when it comes to the Buckeyes! Do you know the heck, I am gonna hear for Thanksgiving? They are going to love that once again my team has lost!

I need a laugh. I need a smile!
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Hi Shellyville,

Have you ever seen a live turkey? I don't mean the clean skinned one at the super-market, but live running around! Last week I seen two...Last night in my dream...I seen about 15.

I don't know why my dreams have to be so darn strange!!

Why would I be surrounded by turkeys? I tell ya, even in Shellyville...Strange things happen.

I only have one message that was the main theme of my dream and that was...You are Loved.

Yeah, I told it over and over to this little boy in my dream. He wasn't Jackson but I suppose in some way he was.

Yesterday we got a report from Jackson's social worker. She gave Jackson one of those personality, mental health test. In the way they present the questions you can"t lie. You get the same question asked a few different ways. It all boils down to understanding where Jackson is emotionally and how he feels about himself.

It's the kind of test that you don't want to see if it's negative. You want to believe that you have a very happy, well adjusted child. Well, I don't. I have a child that hates himself. After reading the answers to 136 questions, I wanted to cry.

I am only going to highlight a few of the ones that really bothered me.

I hear voices in my head, I see things that others can't see. I am lonely, I feel sad always. I worry about what is going to happen. Someone else controls my thoughts. I feel like my life is getting worse and worse. I feel depressed. No one understands me. People say bad things to me. My looks bother me. I wish I were someone else. I don't think I am a good person.

This list scares me. This is really my child and I know it but I try to ignore it. I don't want to crawl inside the darkness. I like to believe that the medication and school support and my love will be enough. I know now it never will be. I know that most of this is bipolar related. I know he can not help the way he thinks because of the chemical imbalance that compounds his thinking.

How can I not be scared? I want a happy child. I want a boy that is secure in who he is. The point here, is that he is. He knows himself well enough to answer these questions honestly. Now, what do I do about it?

I know from personal experience that the only thing I can do is love him. Try to help him understand what part is the illness and what part is faulty thinking. I can not take away the reality of his thoughts. I don't have that kind of control and I know it. I wish I did. I honestly wish I could make him see his goodness.

My life long journey is to teach my children about self-love. It took me too long to discover mine. I want my children to have it. I want them to know it and express it. I want them to see that even with faults and depressing thoughts, we are still lovable. We are still beautiful and worth the effort of living.

You can toss me all the negatives you want, but one by one I will deal with them. I'm not letting a little illness like bipolar steal my loving child. Never!

You are LOVED!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I am one spoiled babe! Last night I had a dinner party with my girlfriends to celebrate my birthday. I hit the mother-load with gifts.

I walked away with a ticket to travel, a bunch of jewelry, music, scarfs, a hat, a watch, 2 books and a shirt, and a small Christmas ornament, a bunch of body lotions, cina mints that came with a coupon to spend $$ in Tucson. Also, I can't forget I got slippers and a sign that said Friends.

Friends!

Wow I do have them! I feel so blessed by my loving friends. Thank you!!

I suppose the reason I feel so lucky is that I have learned that you get back what you give. I know how to give. I have always felt so selfish in my life. Spoiled rotten was my nickname growing up. My older sisters hated that I was spoiled by mom & dad.

What they didn't understand is that I didn't get money from my parents. I got the one thing that nobody else got. Attention.

I was the youngest girl. While they were all out partying, I was home watching TV with my parents. When dad went to the store, I went with him. When my parents went out to dinner with friends, I got invited along.

My older brother told me once, it was not normal for a 16 year old to hang out with her parents. What he failed to understand is that I was smart. I was smart to know that someday my parents wouldn't be around for me to hang out with. I took full advantage of my parents. I don't regret for one minute the time I spent being with my parents. It taught me to share.

I learned to share my thoughts. I learned to share my time. I learned to listen to those that were older and wiser and had advice to give. Granted I still had my teenage years. I still went on dates, out to parties and football games. I went to college. I went away. I had a life. I had friends.

In honor of my parents being my friends, I want to celebrate that gift. I wouldn't be alive without them. Next week I turn 45. (omg, I just typed 25) lol

So, I am giving back as much as I can this month. I found this on the activity page and I wanted to help out. I am not joining this group. I feel I have more then enough "group" activity here. I just want my friends to support this. It would really mean a lot to me.

Please if you can in any way give...Please do!

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Hi Shellyville,

Do you like to travel? I know I love it. I have always enjoyed going out and seeing new things. I even like to travel to the store.

So when this crossed my email box yesterday, I just had to share this!!

If you want a deeper connection with someone you care about, if
you want relationships that are more intimate, more meaningful and
longer-lasting, then try this simple technique. Just remember the word "TRAVEL."

T is for TRUST. If we're seeking a glue to cement us to another, then
trust is that bond. A relationship will go nowhere without it.

R is for RESPECT. Some people talk about how much they have always
respected their cherished friends and family at a funeral. But why
wait? People want to know that we hold them in high regard. It's about valuing others and letting them know you respect them.

A is for AFFECTION. Sometimes affection means love. Sometimes it means a touch. Or a hug. Always it means kindness.

V is for VULNERABILITY. Though we may feel afraid to let another too
close, no relationship will go anywhere without taking a risk. Like
entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, "The walls we build around us to keep out
the sadness also keep out the joy." And the love.

E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. It about learning to be open. Learning to communicate freely. The quality of relationships we make are largely determined by how openly we communicate.

L is for LAUGHTER. Victor Borge got it right when he said, "Laughter
is the shortest distance between two people." It's also the most
enjoyable.

So for a relationship that can really go somewhere, just remember the
word "TRAVEL." Then enjoy the trip.

-- Steve Goodier

Love ya,
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Hi Shellyville,

These are hard times indeed. We are traveling in uncharted territory for my school district. In the hole with no where to go. $15 million dollars in debt.

So it's a Michigan problem and a city's problem and now my problem.

They want to close the elementary school behind my house. I have to admit, I have no kids in that school anymore and I bought this house 13 years ago with no kids in that school. Still I have loved having it in my backyard.

To think that my city could abandon a building is scary. It makes me wonder if Michigan will ever recover from this economic crisis we all seem to be in. It also makes me wonder if Brian will ever get new employment.

He told me he is not willing to leave the state. He said someone has to stay and ride this out. He can ride this out all he wants, but how is he going to do that with no money? I really don't like to worry about things that are beyond my control. Still, I can't help but be concerned. I have been spoiled for too many years not to miss it.

I know, I know...My dad told me to save for rainy days, well in Shellyville...We don't have rainy days. We have sunshine and happiness and ignorant bliss. I like living in my safe bubble. It is when I leave the safety of Shellyville that I get depressed. I don't like being depressed. I'm not pretty when I am depressed.

I can not solve all the problems but I can make them seem less important. I will focus my attention on the sunshine. Like having Savanna and Jackson leave for school with smiles on their faces.

It truly is about the simple things and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I can't leave Shellyville, not yet anyway!

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Oh Shellyville,

Do you ever wake up playing the game 20 questions? You know, you have to ask your child 20 questions as to why they don't want to got to school?

It never occurred to me that is was her hair! Nope, I asked about school, friends, boys, tests and if she got kicked off the bus...Nope.

No, those glistening tears rolling down her porcelain cheeks was all about her hair.

And so it begins, this stage of self-doubt and insecurities. I was so sad for her and I tried to be supportive, but after 20 minutes...You kinda lose it.

She missed the bus and dad had to drive her to school.

Personally, I am not ready for this kind of behavior. I get it. I understand that we want to look our best, but really...She is only 11, I know almost 12. I asked her so many questions...gosh forbid she has a serious issue, I am gonna be all over her.

I suppose it's hopeless to ask God to grant her an easy adolescence! No, she will have to endure the growing pains of being a girl. Dang we can never catch a break!

Love,
Michelle
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Hi Shellyville,

Do you keep a wish list? A list of things you wish to do and what you want? I used to keep a list and a journal. I find that when I dig out my old notebooks and look at my list, I am amazed at how many things I have accomplished.

Simple things like attending a football game or big things like being published. All levels of success. However, I feel like as I age I should keep writing out my wish list. I don't think I have run out of ideas, but I am not inspired.

Savanna said I should add to my list what I want Santa to bring. I want him to bring me the UPmovie. I love that sweet show. I also want new pj's and some perfume. I was talking to Bri this morning looking over all the sale ads. It's so depressing.

It's so hard to shop when we have no income. I wonder now if he won't get a new job until after the first of the year. It seems so odd that so much of his day is spent searching the Internet and sending out resumes. It has become a full-time job. In October he was all excited about the things he was going to accomplish around the house. So far he has only been able to cross one or two things off.

Life is an adventure and one day at time we accomplish the simple things like breathing and believing in the future. That is why I keep a wish list, to make myself look forward and to stop looking back all the time!

I think I will be making a wish list today...Will you?

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HI Shellyville,

Jackson is in need of some attention. He wants me to write about his good looks and write him a poem. I did write a poem called my Blue-eyed boy, but now he wants another one. So demanding!

Jackson,
My boy of 8
Is constantly on my mind
from dawn to dusk his attention is a must!
He is a melting pot of emotions
that can be stirred up at anytime
I love that boy of mine.

He said he "likes it!!"

Good, my work here is done!

If only his school year was going as easy. I tell ya, kids with special needs are not thought of very kindly in our school district. His teacher wants me to write another letter to the district administration. I still don't know why I seem to be the only parent with a voice. It seems to me that some parents are ashamed of their children and their needs.

Why? Have we lost sight of our goals? I know my child will never fit into the "standards" of society. So why do we push so hard for this? If I, as a parent can see my child for who he is, why can't others?

Next week we have meetings set up with the teachers, Jackson wants to meet with the Principal and tell her what is going on in his classroom. This year has been so horrible. I can't understand what is happening. It is just over whelming all the changes and problems that have occurred. I don't know how to fix the problem other then pulling Jackson out of his "special needs" classroom and putting him back in a regular third grade class.

I can't do that without an IEP and it will have to be set up as soon as possible. The saddest part of all is that I have had to increase his medication to handle this. It makes no sense that administration have ignored the true needs of my child. I better get busy on that letter, because this time I am really not holding back. I wish I knew a lawyer.

Have a wonderful day!
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Please read my letter...I need this to be super strong. I welcome all editing tips.

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Hi Shells,

I passed my class! It is really not surprising that I passed...I'm just disappointed at how hard it is for the professor's to give corrective feedback.

I'm not perfect. I know it. I like being told that I'm professional, intelligent and that I will do well. However, how am I gonna learn if that is all you toss at me?

If we are in an assessment class, wouldn't you think they would give me an assessment? It wasn't designed that way. It was set up to delete the students that shouldn't be in the program. If after 8 months of classes...You would think the student would know! Anyway, they did weed out some students.

I know I will be there and my core group of friends. I just think it was a waste of my time for three weeks and $150 bucks! I could have used that money on shopping! I tell ya, by Thanksgiving weekend I am ready for Christmas!

Don't get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving! It is after-all my holiday. I was born on Thanksgiving Day in 1964. My mom went into labor and my older sisters took over the meal. I was born 9 minutes before my twin brother Matthew.

My family is not one to celebrate birthdays, when you have ten kids, your lucky to even get a card. So having my birthday at Thanksgiving time, meant that Matt & I were always celebrated. We would pretend that the big meal and the family gathering was about us. It's not like we got a birthday cake, but we did get pie!

We both would laugh about it, we knew it wasn't about us, but still we liked to pretend it was and for that it was always our private joke. Even the Thanksgiving parade was for us. What better way to say Happy Birthday then a parade? I mean Macy's knows how to throw a party!!

So I love Thanksgiving and it opens the Christmas shopping season and to me...It just don't get better than that!

Love,
Michelle
 

Hi Shellyville,

I have my thoughts all over the map today, so let's see where this bus is going!

*Bello gave me a black eye! It hurts! I went to get down on the carpet last night so Brian could crack my back and Bello ran right into the side of my head. I have a huge bruise over my left eye! Ouch!

*I have my final class tonight in Potfolio 2. If I pass this little exercise, I am good to go. I'm not worried about passing my ten minute practice role-play as a therapist. What I am worried about is, I have a black eye, and I have to dress professionally. Hello! I don't own any professional clothes.
I have some clothes for like say a wedding, but an outfit to look professional? Not so much! I will try to find something that is comfortable and appropriate, no..I did not say professional.

*What is the deal with my dreams? Okay...If you see a name spelled out in a dream. I think that is kind of significant. So where are you? John....Jack? ....Who is this person I was worried about last night? It was Jackson. It was my girl friend in high school, Her dads name was Jack Failing. He wanted to talk to me. Why do generations get mixed up in dreams? I was in high school with Brad Kramer. Brad was like a cousin and our parents were close friends.Did something happen to his parents? Damn I don't understand all this confusion and YOU GREG LUCE! Greg was one of my best friends in highschool. In fact the first date I ever went on was with Greg. Greg is a medic in the Army. I know why he was in my dream. I wish you well Greg.

All thoughts lead to home? Is that what dreams are really all about? The life you lived at home or the life you currently want to live? I don't know...I told ya, I am all over the map today and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I have become this creature I don't recognize. Where is Shelly?

*I need sex. I don't get enough. I said it. I'm married and I said it.

*See Shelly is not completely insane but very needy! Aren't we all?

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Hi Shellyville,

I'm having a little celebration today! I am going to celebrate my new web page!

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