Lighting up the air that ones breathes isn't exactly my recent hurdled cleared. Recently out of the blue with everything currently chewing on my plate, I suffered a Spontaneous Primary Pneumothorax. Wow what a mouthful I know~ in layman's terms it means I had a lung collapse for no reason and just like that. The whole traumatic incident was a bit unsettling. I realize that virtual vampires we all are~ to a degree~ so I will share this horribly painful experience with you.
Constant turmoil and struggle within my personal affairs and work environment have left me with a less than favorable taste in my mouth. I really can not discuss in great detail these bothersome and body stressing events, but everything keeps weighting me down and so to speak keeps strangling me. The very morals and beliefs that I hold very close have been over and over tested by those who insist on dishing out corruption displayed blatantly with actions of deceit and unfair treatment and there isn't anything I can truly do about it, but just suffer and take it. I think my insides and out had reached a stress level breaking point and drove this unpleasant event in my life~ Just as any other day my day started as normal as normal as it can be under the pressures of stress and fear of tomorrow consuming me, but then out of the blue I couldn't breathe very well and had a piercing pain that went clear through my chest to my back. I suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks, but this I hadn't ever experienced before and so I didn't exactly know what I should do. I realized after trying to work in this state the pain's intensity was worsening and the more I prayed and wished it away the more it seemed to scream and take my breath. The time had come to notify someone because sitting indoors and outdoors wasn't helping and this was not going away. The first opportunity I had was a member of management had come by and so I calmly *despite being totally scared* asked him to contact an EMT and to please not make an issue of this just I wanted one to aid me and just check me out. Now mind you the EMT that arrived is one whom I have had relations with and lived with for a number of years, but still have contact and he keeps close eye on me. Anyway, he came to me and inquired about how I was feeling and I told him exactly what I felt. The line of questions that he pitched to me I knew were "heart attack" related questions and I didn't have any of those. He suggested that I remain seated and see what happened so that is what I did, but without relief of pain or ability to breathe and in breathing it felt like someone was knifing me so breathing shallow was the only thing that I could do. Understanding dealing with anxiety and panic attacks I know one has to remain calm or it can blow up and be a most horrible episode, so I remained very calm and even told my emt that I was calm and wasn't excited...really. He brought to me the medication that I take for the panic/anxiety episodes and I took one then when nothing changed in how I felt I took another one *I can take 1-2 anyway* without relief and no change in my condition...Kindness was displayed by my partner that I was working with and he seemed to see the pain that I was in and reassured me that I need not worry that he could handle the work load for the day and all he wanted to do is to help me to feel better and if I needed anything to let him know. I felt a small sense of relief however, still in horrible pain I just sat out the rest of the day and waited this endless so called panic attack out at least that is what my ex and emt who kept telling me that is what my condition was and to just relax and I would feel better and not to waste the day and it would be silly to go to the doctor and I would probably be humiliated because he felt that my condition was purely panic attack *a big one* and all that the doctor would do would be to give me a sedative. With all of that in mind and I honestly didn't need anymore humiliation or stirring and didn't want any more attention given to me than I already had so I let it ride and my end of shift had finally arrived and could go home. Exhausted and in pain and still having difficulty breathing my ex told me he would come to pick me up the next day and for me to rest and surely I would feel better the next morning. I found myself in bed as soon as arriving home that afternoon, but woke *thinking it was the next morning* I was in a frenzy thinking I had overslept, but my son promptly notified my that it was in the evening and so back to bed I went and slept until the next morning. The next morning had come and the pain had lost its intensity but I still couldn't breathe deep and painful to breathe deep existed. My ex had arrived prompt to pick me up for the days work was our community care work day where once a year we volunteer for the United Way and so work time hours would be accredited in going to the chosen place designated. I mentioned that I thought I needed to go and get at least checked out and that I wasn't feeling well at all, but he insisted that it would be foolish to miss out on a day of pay outside of the normal work walls and that I should just toughen up and at the end of the day if I was still feeling bad he himself would take me to the doctor or urgent care. Moving slow and feeling like I wasn't contributing what I normally do I poked along and did what I could when we were given our assignments for the day. Lunchtime finally arrived I ate, but really was starting to feel worse with being able to breathe and didn't feel well at all so I contacted my family physician who clearly stated that I needed to go to urgent care or the emergency room. I tried to continue and my feelings on top of everything else had been hurt because the one that should have been keeping an eye on me wasn't and was too busy following someone around like a puppy. I had reached my breaking point and requested to be taken to urgent care. I wanted it to be kept quiet and no one to make a fuss and without my ex's presence nor him knowing I was leaving, but I did have items in his vehicle that needed removed so with the help of a friend those items were gotten for me and barely breathing I made to the place where I waited for a superior to take me to urgent care. Most of what I am going to say next is kinda blurry and fragmented, but I do remember the urgent care taking me right back and laying down and being given oxygen. The nurses and doctor spoke nervously and i was given nitro. I was thinking "nitro" is for the heart and so confused but breathing easier from the oxygen I was given so I just laid there quietly and calmly. I was transported by squad to our local hospital with a bruised already left arm *where IV"s were tried to be placed and upon arriving the nurses at the hospital changed the location of the right arm's IV and I was resting in some discomfort, but felt it easier to breathe so I was content. A series of blood work and x rays were done and then the news of my collapsed lung was stated by the hospital emergency room doctor. I would have to remain in the hospital until my condition was remedied. I was in total disbelief and in shock to this news and in hearing what could have happened to me if I hadn't have come in were alarming. Falling into a coma or worse dying could have occurred and just laid there thinking about the words "honey, it's a bad panic attack" and words like "feeling silly or humiliated" crossed through mind I couldn't grasp the concept of why or how this had happened to me and I was in denial and actually said to the doctor, "no, you must have someone else's results" and my ex was sitting right next to me and he said "No honey, it's your results and your lung has collapsed". Most of the rest is cloudy except for all of the pain and severe discomfort and something I wouldn't want anyone else to ever have to experience. The far most painful thing I have physically had to endure and it is something that just happened and just like that for no medical reason other than stress probable related or being thin. .
Suffering seems to be the chosen way for the universe to help get me on the correct path..~ you know when you have to fight for everything you are going against what path you should be traveling. I can't make heads or tails anymore of any of it. The end of this period must be soon to arrive or I fear what next will occur within my ever seemingly fragile body.