I know it has been quite sometime since I have updated my blog. Partially because the depth of personal privacy and unbearable pain that has practically consumed my being as a whole and if I am honest with you I guess that means admitting a lot of the time when Im in thought of trying to figure out what purpose in my future and/or lessons these last few years of unbearable suffering were all for..(which I still am perplexed by the unknown). Maybe I won't ever really know and its all just about acceptance, learning to live without means (or means that one is accustomed to) or perhaps the unknown is what has saved me from an early grave...sigh... Feeling displaced and without ANY direction and currently unemployed..

however I did work a minimum wage position for a bit~ totally wrong and actually for a employer that I just couldn't wrap my mind, morals and values around..Needless to say I left after some issues arose weighing of course the hardship of once again being unemployed versus the "no guarantee" I would earn wage so I decided not to return upon the several pleads to come back.

for me has a tight smothering effect on my existence here and with heavy sigh still lack to find or even see my path, place in this world. I am not bitter nor do I feel vengeful for what has happened but what I do feel is lost, at times an overwhelming sadness, and totally disconnected from everything. My son was two years of age I was and still am a single mom who needed to provide food, shelter, love and protect my son with the best of my ability so for 15 years I danced delivering also beyond just what was expected ( in hindsight now I know this only hastened my body's breakdown)
Im reminded of what my surgeon said to me "my dear, (with a smile) some people aren't made/built to carry refrigerators on their backs" I remember looking at him in confusion and said "but Doc I'm not carrying on my back refrigerators" ..I know it was a metaphor but at the time I just wanted to be fully recovered from surgeries and was in tip top condition a young blood pressure and had drive and hoped with want to be restored the "same" again..That didn't happen..nor was it going to ...I had to face what my limitations in my particular line of work were going to be and if I chose to ignore what those limitations and challenged that or pushed my surgeon assured me I would be back within a year or less and the damages to my body would further deteriorate possibly to the point where I wouldn't have the use of my hands at all. At the time this seemed so unrealistic and I suppose a part of myself was in denial. I thought "no, not me chuckling I am gonna be just fine and I can go back to being the Golden Child I had been labeled and upon return would still have the "unconditional respect" from my management staff who relied upon me to get the job done being efficient and without mistake..Just so you know ~ I want to say in conversations between the professionals I was seeing I can't tell you how many times I was looked upon with kind eyes and the words
"You need to find another type of work" "this work is going to destroy your body" were said to me.
At the time winning small battles because all of my surgeries and lack of being able to be "normal" again were all work related so I guess I thought justice would prevail and truth would win the war that lay ahead of me that I as of yet didn't know I was going to have to fight. I was a loyal and dedicated employee who worked so hard it broke my body, challenged my dignity and for a brief moment glory for in- justice was giving hope that I would still have the reputation that I had earned over the years, but in the end crushed my spirit destroyed my pride ripped my family's life into shreds.