I had an employee once - he was my safety manager. He knew when he was hired that he had a brain tumor but didn't let anybody know. He was trying for the company provided life insurance and he died one week before his 90 days. The company kept him on the books for the next week so that the insurance was paid. He was a Viet Nam vet two tours so funeral expenses were covered. So, I went to the funeral and to be there when the check was presented to the survivors. His brother collected the check and was really quite nasty to us. Then I met - wife one, divorced 10 years, wife two divorced 2 and mistress one and his almost wife three. It was interesting to say the least. The mistress was the only human in the group. She could talk about him in a loving manner and seem to truly regret his passing - all the others lived in the what is in it for me world and how can I piss on the competition and the guy I once loved (well maybe loved).

Is there a lesson here? I doubt it.

I had a great Sunday last Sunday out at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire with all my kids and my friend Joyce. It was a wonderful time.

My vacation this week was a simplistic time of light cleaning and a bunch of goofing off. I did not get the time I wanted with the people I love but there was no foul no harm. Played a bit to much on face book - silly stuff.

There is much to discuss but I am going to keep it internal for now - so many webs and connections - the strings are becoming untangled, however there are some hard knots to face and I don't know if I will have the help I want to untangle them .

I am in a better space than I have been for years. I have been given a gift that I will always treasure.

Well that is it for today.

Oh yeah the stock game is doing pretty good - planning to check off a bucket list dream from the next sale - will tell you about it if it happens.


 

The following was sent to me by a very good friend in replay to my last post - I think she may be right - I really hope that she is.... I thought I should post the comment.

"Saying a guy is sweet is a woman's way of telling him that she's pleased with him and the things he does without further commitment. Why do you keep stressing about it? Just enjoy each day as it comes and leave the drama to others.

You deserve it.."
I like to be sweet -I just don't want to be a rug and I don't want to be the dear friend who watches his girl leave with the "bad" boy....I want to girl to leave with me.

I just worry for the nice guys - they all seem to have problems keeping a woman interested ...... enough I digress and it is time to move on!

So.....

All the kids are here! AND Joyce will be here tonight! Tomorrow we will all go to the PA Ren Faire -

I sold 320 shares of my project and made about 1.15 a share .. a little extra spending money to cover tomorrow's fun.

Took my daughter to Bryn Mawr for an prospective student day - she really wants to attend that school - 54,000.00 a year YIKES!!! There is aid available out there, she will have to work her tail feathers to the bone if she gets in! She will also have to reach out for every scholarship that she can get! Nice campus - seems like a wonderful place.

I have a lot of house work to do - life has been full lately and I have become a slacker on keeping up with everything - so today even with the kids here I will be cleaning up some of the messes - like the lego explosion in the living room - S better get his butt in gear and get it cleaned up! Laundry and neatening, sweep and vacuum - hiho if off to work we go! Or is it high hopes?

I am playing Farm Town and Robin Hood on face book - silly stuff (I need more members for my Robin Hook band - want to join?) it is a mindless way of winding down my day.

My friend lost her twin sister about Midnight the night before last - I can't imagine




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My life is very full - strange, complicated and there is some drama trying to sneak in..... some things are not so good, others are very good, I have all my children planned to be togehter this weekend - that alone is enough to fill my heart

I have a friend who is watching her twin die - that is very sad, another friend who has lost a very important person in her life and she is feeling the pain of rejection and I hurt for her too.

Another friend, a Manager in the US postal service, had a bomb found in the mail pick up baskets by one of her employees and has been dealing with that....

The soon to be ex is lost and came to me asking that I move back in - sorry but that isn't going to happen (and I am not even sorry) - she can not even give me her plan to go forward, she has made so many mistakes and burnt so many bridges - there is nothing that I can do, she burnt out any possiblity of our reconnecting a long time ago - this soon to be ex then started hinting about possibly ending it all - what am I to do? I contacted her daughters - this is for them to deal with not me. I am not the solution to her problems.

I am moving forward with ending this sham of a marriage and finding my own way forward.

I am wondering if being told "you are a sweet man" is the kiss of death in a relationship. I hope not - for I want to continue what has started and see if it will grow further..... The sweet man is usually the loser..... No one at work thinks I am sweet - I have some truck driver employees afriad to even come into my office .... weird how things work out... but I care, I really do care about those in my private life.

I have a really big weekend planned for this coming weekend - hopefully I will have some good things to write about - all my kids, Joyce, and myself are going to be off to the PA Ren Faire on Sunday - in costume!

The stock is a couple of hundred ahead - I am going to sell a part of it as I have been spending money lately and I need to replenish the fun pool with some green.

 

When I died, I was comfortable and the pain stopped. I was doing the head for the light stuff and it was all alright - then I was forced to take a breath and again and again by a guy who had not shaved in days, so at 16 I had a guy giving me mouth to mouth and chest compressions. All I remember thinking was this kiss is scratchy and I was really comfortable.....

I am not writing much in here, however there is a lot going on in my life. Mostly it is really good. There are dragon sniffing about but they are mostly outside the lines. I am not clear enough in my own mind how to express much of what is happening, however it is good. Beach in the rain, hammocks, hugs, kisses, music, walks, and bedroom activities. I am really in heavy like with my new companion, maybe dangerous but so worthwhile. She makes me feel like I havent in years if ever.
I like it. I like it alot.
S is fine. We all have a big weekend planned coming up. The PA Ren Faire this Sunday.

Negotiations with the soon to be ex are taking place. Funny thing a girl that I know asked me if my soon to be ex might be willing to play with her.....I said why don't you ask her and not me!

Stock is at break even.

 

At the start of today I was worried now I am smiling. Work was very busy which I like better than slow.

Everybody deserves more hugs!

My stock is only 50.00 under break even and climbing upward!




 

When I was 5 years old my brother's locked me in my Mother's concert grand harp case - this was unpleasant. I doubt I was left in for very long, however my memory says hours....

There is joy within, I need to let it spread.

I like the religion I was brought up with (Quaker - Religous Society of Friends) and I admire many of their ideals, however it is an inward style of worship. Sometimes continual self evaluation isn't all that much of a good thing. Be warned what I have written below follows that grain (silent meeting, self evauation, and trying to walk in the light).

My weekend was mostly good – I helped someone whom is off utmost importance to me hold a celebration that was of importance to her. I was happy to be of service. And I was a help which made me happy. However, I didn’t eat all day and started working the grills, with the heat of the day and grills I had a beer, and then another. Not having eaten all day the beer went to my head and I continued to indulged and quickly imbibed too much alcohol. Then I allowed some foolishness to pass my lips - all negative self defeating low self esteem spewings. There was a cost, will be a cost, ones that I will have to pay. There is no excuse. But nobody seemed unhappy with the food and everything else I was needed for was well accomplished. She was pleased with my help and appreciative of me, just unwilling to deal with my dark side and who can blame her, I don’t like it either. I don’t like asking for or needing tolerance.

I am full of thoughts today – there is a lot of self evaluation going on within me. At my age you would think that I would not need to delve deeply into my own psyche however it seems that I need to go there. I am finding happiness for the first time in years and yet somewhere inside of me pike men are trying to force these peaceful sweet feeling out of the corridors of my mind. It seems that a part of me is afraid to allow myself to enjoy for fear that pain will come. However I know that pain will come no matter what, if pain is going to come. So I have to get the pike men to find other pursuits and allow happiness to settle within for this is the only way that I will have joy. I am not happy with myself for allowing self destructive tendencies to bubble out my month when I am with the woman that I am focused on. I need to be brave and face down these troops. I need to relish the joy, for having it in my life will only make me stronger. Fear of happiness is got to be the stupidest thing one can have within.

I am enthralled with my new friend, she allows me to find happy places with good music and pretty days. She has wonderful friends and I was invited in. I am deeply honored and appreciative. Knowing her is a gift. I have had more joy, happiness, and peace from her in two and a half months that I have had in years. I am grateful. I need to keep this and open myself to it everywhere.

S my son is with me this week - I missed him last week, however his being with his Mother allowed me to help out my freind and take care of some other tasks that needed doing.

My stepson whom is in NC visiting with his Dad had a face book page that he rarely posted on. I posted a little note saying hi and asking him to write me. My “soon to be ex” called me and asked what my stepson and I had going on and now his face book link is gone. He is either cancelled or I have been removed as a friend – my daughter (his step sister) is also no longer linked to him. I raised him for 10 years from 5 to 15. I am not happy to have been cut off. I know that he has had his cell phone taken away and many other privileges because he has been acting out against his mother and father. He has a lot of anger about his situation and neither of his parents has risen up to the occasion. He is also a teenager which is a difficult time and age. I worry for him.

The damage that was done by the “soon to be ex” (cant’ wait until she is the “ex”) to me, an adult, is nothing compared to the damage that she has done to her own children. As an adult I can understand and deal with things in ways children can not. To harm children mentally or physically is not acceptable behavior. Hopefully our mutual child will be able to avoid her destructive and hateful ways. She is “dating” someone for whom I have no respect at all; however I don’t think that he will be much to my son, except a supplier of material goods. It is funny her new "bo" is on her cell phone plan, most likely has been for years. I hate lies.

Sometimes when you think that you are doing the right thing and you are being strong – you discover that you are not considered by others in a positive light. It is hard to walk outside of convention. The roles assigned us by society are difficult to transgress. However not all these roles, rules, expectations and traditions are correct. Partnership in relationships is a poorly understood, domination, hidden or evident, is preferred. One is supposed to be in charge, partnership is harder but less respected. I would like to understand this more deeply. I will walk the path I think is correct for me, not the one that I precieve others as believing correct.

This came in my e-mail today - somehow it seemed to fit with today's thoughts

__________________________________________________________________

"I forget "The Law of the Garbage Truck" too often

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were
driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a
parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his
brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of
the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My
taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really
friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost
ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,

'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.

They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and
full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes
they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or
on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take
over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so...

Love the people who treat you right.

Feel compassion for the ones who don't.

Life is ten percent what you make it...

and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a pleasant, garbage-free day"
____________________________________________

I will smile and wave today


My stock is still down, however much nearer the break even point.






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On Thursday July 7th my son was taken to the doctor and it was determined that he had pneumonia. So I picked him up from the soon to be ex’s that night – took the next day (Friday) off from work and we stayed home together until Monday when he was clear of all fever and had very little cough left.

That Monday as he seemed well enough we drove up to Niagara Falls. On the way up I stopped and picked up my fixed laptop. On Tuesday we did the Falls tour, the aquarium, and Fort Niagara which was a lot! Then on Wednesday we drove to Brooklyn, NY and stayed with my brother and his wife, on Thursday we went to the Intrepid Museum and drove back home afterward.

It was funny while in Niagara Falls we stayed at a Super 8, I couldn’t use their wireless but I could use the Quality Inn’s next door LOL. The signal strength was low but good enough for what little need I had.

I had worried that maybe I was wrong to take my son on such a trip right after he was sick but he did well and there was a lot of nap time in the car – he is good in cars, I am lucky. We put about 1600 miles on the car in 4 days, plus seeing all we saw. And he was mostly fine – a little boredom yes but very low on the complaints and no whining. It was a good time for us to be together he seemed to enjoy the trip and he and I had a lot of time one on one with each other – it was important I think for both of us and good.

Friday we rested from our journey, and the two of us went to bed. Late that night, sometime after midnight, I was woken to kisses. I am told that I was kissing back while still asleep. This was a wonderful and sweet way to find my special friend again after missing her for so long and worrying about the state of our relationship. It was heaven. This was a gift given to me and one I treasure.

She had to return to her home the next afternoon but we had some good comfort time – and all was golden – shiny – delightful.

On Sunday I was going to take my son to Meeting but when we got there, there was not a car in the parking lot so I called the soon to be ex to see if I could drop him off early. Shortly after she picked up the phone her friend Eric picked up another phone in the house and made a point of making sure that I knew he was there. So instead of dropping my son off I asked if she minded if I took him for the whole day and returned him late. She agreed (ended up I had him for the night too and dropped him at summer school the next morning). So we drove down and spent the day with my friend, time resting in the hammock, visits with Cats, horses, and sharing dinner with her and her son before returning home – paradise. And another gift that she (my new friend) has given me.

Mentally I am felling better – she makes me. I still have that fear that things are to good and I will be hurt. However, I have almost come to the point in my life where I can stop worrying about the unknown maybe possible, or maybe not possible, issues, problems, pain and other scary stuff, and live in the joy now that I am being given. I am learning that I can accept that not all is perfect and if I just stop worrying about it I can be happy. If I live in fear I will not have the gifts I am being given. My eyes are not shut and yes there are concerns but why be concerned? Just be aware. Accept what is given do not force or take, this is what I have right now and it is good. I have much healing needed within and she helps me. I do not ignore reality just filter it a bit better, and as long as the filter doesn’t clog I think I can manage this. This new relationship is growing – I am hopeful that it will become something healthy and strong, it has already been healing, fun, and comfortable. We have passed one dangerous pitfall and learned a bit – I hope that there will be few others on the road ahead. If nothing else I have a new friend and I think maybe more.

The river is flowing freely and the sky is blue with white puffiness. The water runs off my paddle and glistens brightly as it runs off the wood and drops back to it’s home. It is quiet and you can hear the fish jump from around the bends.

The stock – yes it is 150.00 in the hole at this time but I don’t expect that to last.

My work PC has also been fixed.

 

My home PC is still broken, S is at his Mother's and he is still sick (from 7/2/09) - at work my office PC is fried due to Malware -

I have messed up with my new friend and I am worried that I ruined the relationship even though it would not have been intentionally on my part. I was trying to do what I thought was right for the relationship but what I did has taken differently - hard to explain the situation just comes down to perceptions. She was the best thing that has happened to me in years and it might be over before it even had the chance to really start - she is a fantastic lady and I should have been more carefully with my phrasing when I communicated with her. By being overly careful I failed to express myself correctly and she felt I was pushing her away when all I was trying to do was not smother her, she also felt that I didn't understand what she has given me, which, I do/did. Words can be taken in ways that they are not meant. I just hope that she gives me another chance. Not sure if I will be graced with that. I feel drained of hope. I don't want to be one of the 50 ways to leave.

M didn't like the proposed divorce agreement so now we are going to court - funny I didn't realize that we have been legally separated for three years - it has been a long struggle. I hope that it can be ended soon but I think it will be expensive and cause further pain.

I feel off center to the universe - I just can't get it right. I am not a bad person but I can't seem to get things to flow with me - instead I am caught in eddies and dead ends with all the garbage.

The stock is not doing so well however I still believe that it will come up to profit.

I want my son to be well at least - if nothing else he needs to get well. I am on vacation starting this Friday - I wanted to spend quality time with him and my new friend - it isn't looking good for either.

 

My computer ate a dvd and wouldn't give it back so it is in my repairs - S broke his external wireless so the only way to be on line from home is to plug in. Hopefully all will be fixed soon.

I am not sure what I will do with S for the 4th it will jsut be him and me - not really big into finding a spot to watch fireworks - maybe we will just stay home...not sure yet.

I don't really have a lot to say, my brother in Thailand is being a pain and involving my kids in trying to sort out some of his life, I am not sure that he is even aware that what he is doing is wrong.
Basicly he has a bunch of stuff at my Mother's house and now that the house is sold it his stuff needs to be taken care off and my brother keeps trying to get everybody else involved - he has no idea how much time this would take and how difficult it would be for my otehr brother or myself - yes I know he is on the other side of the world but it is his stuff - he needs to deal with it!

I want an instruction manual on how to not mess up when trying to start a new relationship - I do know that rule number one for me should be put a bag over your brain and stop worrying so much - I value my time with my new friend greatly - I don't want to mess this up. If you don't try you fail, if you try to hard you fail - I am having trouble finding the right place. What I do know if when I see her face I forget my worries - it is just when we are apart then I stress. It is all a bit confusing - I have been off line for a long long time. It used to be easy for me. This isn't easy (save when we are together) and what is funny is I believe that that makes it better because it is giving us time to really think about what we want or at least for me it is - I want her to want me.....

Work isn't a high paced as a holiday normally is - I am not sure if this is because I am a good Manager or if it is because the economy is so messed up.....

the stock is just kind of sitting at the break even point

no major accidents or injuries - we have been doing pretty well on the road lately.
 

Ok it is all so beautiful - I feel like I am in Ichygoo park

"Over bridge of sighs
To rest my eyes in shades of green
Under dreamin' spires
To Itchycoo Park, that's where I've been

What did you do there?
I got high
What did you feel there?
Well I cried
But why the tears there?
I'll tell you why
It's all too beautiful
It's all too beautiful
It's all too beautiful
It's all too beautiful "
The band Small Faces


Joyce took me to a Blues outdoor concert near Havre De Grace MD yesterday, it was wonderful , if you take out the "inbetween" band. When I am with my new friend the world seem special. -We ate Wahhabi and Shrimp with fruit to wash it down - ice tea, water, and each other -

I picked up S today - G has moved down to NC to be with his Dad for the summer.

The little house has a for sale sign out front - this is a good thing!!

The stock is still not so great - it seems to only move in pennies instead of quarters like it use to so the ups are not great and neither are the downs - I think the fun is over and now the market is back to work.