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 Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only |
| >> Book >> Personal >> ID #1549402 |   |
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| I will change UtR's Intro Page on the 13th of every month. (**except for holidays**) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Stealthmode Air Power!  ### ### ### ### ### ### I've a wagon load of opinions on nearly every subject and I seem to gather enough steam occasionally to instigate a debate if the subject stirs me. I have super-low tolerance for stupidity, child, senior and animal abusers, smelly old men who come on to any female and last but certainly not least, Criminal Politicians.  I am a Christian, NOT perfected by any stretch. Come on in, read, agree, disagree or just shake your head, I welcome your thoughts, all peoples, all nations, always.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** *  * |
| 1. Nancy's popularity . . . | ID #676553 |
| Posted: 11-17-2009 @ 3:26 pm EST Edited: 11-17-2009 @ 4:22 pm EST | |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' ordered Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. 'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks confused Nancy. The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Scotch whiskey, the wife cooked me a great meal and the daughter made love to me.' 'What on earth did you say?' asks the bewildered Nancy. 'I just knocked on the door and when answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.' I'd despise being as popular as she is!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** From a Nevada email forward: They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: >>> >>> >>> >  < <<< <<< <<< The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the Rummage Sale. . . It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. (**you KNOW this was a HIT  **) --------------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. IN our community, D.A. not OF  Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help . . . Naw, this didn't pass the proofreaders, did it? --------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to all in the congregation. Oh yeah!  --------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This is TOO funny - --------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. --------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --------------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. I KNOW that's right  --------------------------------- The evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. A lesson on how to slip a comment into the text --------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. I think this is referred to as "dark humor". --------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. All together now, "Tee hee hee". --------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Church office ladies must have other things on their mind. --------------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. Think I'll go with the meditation group. --------------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --------------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a Hymn Worship in the park across from the Church; Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Awww yes, more of the good stuff. --------------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. is done. Can't make this stuff up! --------------------------------- Pastor would appreciate the Ladies of the congregation lending him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. . . . and charge admission!  --------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Okey-dokey then. --------------------------------- Our eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. --------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. How could they?  Fire the proofreader!  --------------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Hmmm . . . wait for it, . . . WAIT, just a sec  I suppose that's why he's the Ass. Minister . . . } I could NOT resist , it was a ripe *chair-reeeeeee! ING without breathing. *cherry, Southern Style! Pass these around your office, neighborhood or family reunions. You'll provoke a bunch of giggles and guffaws. |
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