Life has been...shit. It gets to the point where what else can you possibly say to express it? It's just plain old shit.

I have been going to these counselling sessions that the mental health assessment team think would be a good idea. I think they are lame but I have to admit there has been some 'ole' self discovery happening during the course.

According to them it has become evident that a lot of my problems stem from the fact I invest so much time in others that I leave no time for nurturing myself. My first thought was "Fuck, forgive me for trying to be a decent person. Just shoot me why don't you!" but the more I have thought about it I am beginning to think perhaps this counsellor might not be such an idiot after all. It does seem to make sense. I help others all I can if I am in a position to do so, I willingly put important things on the back-burner and make myself available for others in need etc etc...The list of my 'patheticness' goes on.

The counsellor recently asked me to take a night to sincerely think over what I get from doing this and tell her the next day. I did as she instructed and walked into her office the next day. We sat and she asked me the golden question..."What do you get from obsessively helping others?".

I looked her straight in the face and answered her honestly. "I get fuck all".

"Then don't you think perhaps it may be time to invest some energy into something that will benefit you for a change?"...

I hate it when I get jarred and can't fight my way out of it but how can you fight the truth? It made my dislike for the counsellor soar to new heights.

Basically, it seems the counsellor is telling me that the old 'Kristy' the asshole that had no regard for anyone else, disliked society and everyone in it, and had no enthusiasm for rules, laws and generic behavior is a better and more balanced person than the evolution of what I deemed to be the 'new' Kristy.

Can't seem to win! I'm fucked either way but all I know is that I am tired of getting the raw end of the deal. Work hard, give your all and get NOTHING. Do nothing, disregard purpose and get...NOTHING.
FUCKED ON EVERY LEVEL and either direction I turn I am still going to be met with the same ending.

What a fucked up book I am trapped in.

One good thing to come from all of this is my determination to prove to myself that regardless of the barriers placed in front of me, the hurdles I am forced to jump and the bullshit I am forced to endure that leaves a bitter taste on my tongue I can make it to where I want to go without kissing a whole heap of ass to get there and I fucking did!

I pitched something new I have just finished working on to three different publishers and they are all fighting over who is going to get it. All three of them want it! Finally my hard work has been recognized and I can tell you it could not have come at a better time, exactly what I needed.

My bitterness has temporarily been soothed by excitement and a sense of achievement. Real achievement that actually means something and caresses my soul in a way that nothing else can.

As the title of this blog entry states...up and down, round and round. Such is the carousel of Gothic Angel's life.
 

The last six months have been hard to say the least. Depression, although I silently knew it was coming, crept up on me and has bitten me the hardest it ever has. I am no stranger to this illness, I have battled with it for as long as I can remember but at this present time it is the most severe it has ever been.

After speaking to one of the psychiatrists I have been seeing at the acute mental health unit it has been broached that it would be in my best interests to spend some time in the unit to get myself together. That just depresses me even more! I can't get cut a fucking break.

Michael and I are no longer together and in all honesty, this is the only light to pierce the darkness I am suffocating in. I will not shed any tears over this latest incident, it is a silent blessing and one that I am more than capable of dealing with.

The thoughts that have been churning through my mind I know are not healthy but I can't help but to wonder what depths has one reached when their anger takes them to the end of the road. Everyone has bad thoughts, sometimes fleeting sometimes more sustained when they are at the end of their rope but when your mind is so overloaded that you have thought of everything you could possibly imagine and have now just reached a point of dark silence...what then?

I have a meeting with the psychiatrist in two days and I have no idea what will happen so I am unsure how much time I will get to spend on here if any at all.

Kristy.

After eight looooong days my daughter, Jaide, has finally been released from hospital and I along with her. A general check-up at the doctors turned out to be anything but general. Jaide had been losing weight, a noticeable amount of weight, but all of my children had gone through this same phase and gained it back and then some after a short amount of time so I did not really read too much into it. Luckily, Jaide did see a doctor because the doctor was extremely worried about her and requested she be taken to the hopsital immediately as the weight loss was attributed to an underlying problem.

I took Jaide to the hospital as the doctor ordered and she was immediately admitted. The weight loss was attributed to a kidney and liver problem which had not been detected as there was no change in her behavior or routine. I stayed with Jaide in the hospital and after numerous tests a conclusion was still not reached. One doctor was saying these problems were brought on by the weight loss whilst another was saying the weight loss was due to the poor function of the organs. It was decided that Jaide would have to reach a certain 'goal' weight before she would be allowed to leave and be monitored through out her stay.

Jaide reached her goal weight yesterday 'woohoo' and in one months time we have to see a paediatrician for further tests to determine the quality and function of her kidney and liver. :(

It was one of the scariest moments I think I have ever had and also one of the most difficult in terms of being trapped in the hospital once again. It was constant torture, not wanting to leave her bedside but feeling so claustrophobic that if I did not take at least 5 minutes to get some fresh air I think I would have shut down!

Thankfully our hospital stay has come to an end and now it is just a matter of getting these tests done in a months time and hopefully we will be rewarded with some good news after all of the bullshit we have been through just this year alone!

I will keep everyone posted when I am able to catch some spare time. Keep your fingers crossed for us. We need all the good luck we can get.

Goth Angel.
 

On the 21st of February, I celebrated my 29th birthday. How I have reached this age so fast is beyond me! Nevertheless, I am not a fan of anything which has the number 9 associated with it, superstition and all, so it left me with no choice other than to think of a game plan.

I thought, 30's could be cool. It is new territory and I have heard alot of people chat about hitting their prime in their 30's. Further reflection and endless internal debates forced me to confront the fact that I am not ready for this milestone. LMAO

Plan B...

Considering I have already tackled 28, and survived, I think it may be wiser and safer for me to simply 'pretend' I am still 28 and simply jump from this age to 30 when the time comes next year! LMAO

I can hear you all now saying "Tut,tut".. and to this I say...SHHHHHHH! Leave an old woman alone! hahaha.

In the next day or two or perhaps a few more, depending on my stamina, I am hoping to get back into the swing of reviewing. I highly doubt it will be anything significant at this stage, as I am still recovering and if you all only knew how long this has taken me to write, it would give you all something to laugh at. Any who...I plan to give it a shot anyway.

So many things have changed in the few months I have been away. It is amazing the changes that can take place in such a short amount of time. This only serves to add weight to my title- Where has the time gone? I feel like I have been away much longer than I actually was!

What the hell happened in my absence! People have left. People have changed their usernames, friends are now enemies and enemies are now friends. Groups have dissipated and new ones have formed. Geez, my head is spinning. Hmmm...luckily time has now stopped for me for an unspecified amount of time, as I am still only 28, aren't I? ROFL

Goth Angel.


 

I'm alive and on the road to recovery! Car accident almost killed me but I have more to write before I cross over.
 

It is so ridiculous the changes just one more addition can bring. Who would have thought that 4 children would be so much harder than three? Not me that's for sure. After dealing with identical twins it makes you feel invincible, like you can do anything, most probably because you have to do 'everything' but nevertheless it makes one feel confident that they can take on anything.

Since the arrival of Jaide things have been a nightmare. The twins are so jealous and it does not matter how much attention we pay to them or how much we go out of our way to include them in everything, they won't have it. They are pissed big time and it does not look like they will be getting over it anytime soon. On the hand, our eldest son, Shaine, is absolutely devoted to his little sister and she already has him wrapped around her little finger. I suppose you can't win em all.

The twins resentment of Jaide is making things extremely difficult. I have absolutely zero relaxation time, I am completely sleep deprived, the weather has been smouldering hot and some family members of mine have been nothing short of dickheads and deliberately going out of their way to piss me off and antagonise me into confrontations with them.

My father has especially been making things difficult. He does not like the name Jaide and as such refuses to call my daughter by her name. If there is ever a time when you should not piss a woman off let it be known that it is the first few months after they have given birth. I am so furious with my dad right now and feel that he is being completely childish, afterall, she is my daughter and it is not my responsibility nor my intention to go out of my way to name her something that sits well with him. He had four children, named them, now move the fuck on, your time is done.

This whole pull for superiority is driving me absolutely crazy and causing many different issues within the family. Naturally, Michael is upset/enraged and is at boiling point that those who are supposed to be supportive at a time like this are the only ones who are rocking the boat and going out of their way to spoil our happiness. I promised myself that I would get a hold on my temper but geez there is only so much one person can take, especially when they left the highschool playground years ago. Be damned if I am putting up with schoolyard antics from adults. I do not have the time nor the patience.

The arguments have been constant and consistent and it seems the more patient I try to be the more they push my patience to breaking point. The one good thing is that my sister Cassandra has been awesome. Extremely supportive, stops by and visits a few times a week and we keep in constant contact through text messages and phonecalls when she is not here. She has been a godsend and I could not have gotten a better source of support. She is super pissed at dad as well but then again she hasn't ever really been dad's number 1 fan anyway.

I hope for my sanity that it all dies down soon and the childish bullshit comes to an abrupt halt. It would make things so much easier and definitely more manageable if they did. :/

Goth Angel.
 

Finally my baby girl has arrived!

My junior Gothic Angel has been named Jaide November and she arrived at 3:53 AM on the 24th of November. Australian time puts us a day ahead of majority of people so it would have been the 23rd- American time.

My angel was a cute little bundle of 7 pound 3 ounces. My largest baby yet. She measured in at 48 centimetres in length and the delivery was complication free.

Jaide has dark brown hair bordering on black and a cute little button nose. Once I am able to spare the time I will post a few pictures of her in here for everyone to see.

The birth lasted over 7 hours and was pretty rough. The doctors have ordered me to slow down and take some time to recover and get back to my normal self and that is exactly what I plan on doing. My visits to WDC over the next week or two will be brief and fleeting as I get everyone settled into a new routine but after this time I will be back as usual.

I received another nice surprise today. I logged on to discover I received first place in "Invalid Item" !. I won $50.00! I still can't believe it but I can tell you I am absolutely thrilled I was chosen.

What can I say?...Other than, things could not be better.

Take care everyone.
Goth Angel.
 

I have had a lot on my mind lately and have been stretching my time to a point that sleep has not been allocated a position. Not that it matters, the insomnia during this pregnancy has been far worse than in any of my others. Naturally, idle time calls for idle thoughts.

In regards to WDC, my mind has been lingering on the subject of reviewing.

As leader of Helping Hearts I spend a lot of time on the public review page sending much deserved credits to my fantastic members for their reviews. While I am doing this, I read ALL of the reviews on the public page and I have noticed a pattern emerging.

Friends reviewing friends seem to be very gracious in their rating and reviews of these items. Only the other day I came across a glowing review, so glowing that its shimmer attracted my attention. This person (no names) spoke of the item with such favor that of course I had to click onto it and see what all of the fuss was about. Perhaps send a review of congratulations of my own for such a masterpiece.

I clicked onto the item and was completely taken aback. Now we all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, this is what makes us unique but it makes me wonder: At what point does the lines of friendship blur to make way for the truth?

This particular item was in complete disarray. My 10 year old son could have done a better job. Now don't get me wrong, the topic of the item was very creative and quite interesting and it was easy to see the author had put a lot of effort into it, but the body of the item was in such a state that there was no way it could be ignored. However, the person who wrote the stunning review for the piece used terms such as 'Best read ever', 'flawless' and 'a true masterpiece' and 'work of art'. If this item had of been, say for instance a piece of pottery it would have been a big mountain of mush.

Looking through the item, I counted through the typos and discovered there were more typos than words with the correct spelling. The item (prose) had no sentence structure whatsoever, no punctuation at all not even periods to end sentences and the person constantly changed the spelling of their main character's name. This is my opinion only but if I had of reviewed the item it would not have gotten more than 2.0/2.5 maximum rating from me.

I also noticed that the friend giving the review made no mention of the errors that were clearly overtaking the item. Not one suggestion was made nor a correction offered...nothing. The person was completely ignorant in their review of the blemishes within the item.

I then began to wonder: The fact that I would have taken the time to point all of these out (in a polite and courteous way of course) so my 'friend' could improve their item, Does this make me a bad friend or a good friend?

Does vanity and pepping now have more significance than good old fashioned truth?

I have taken on the task of reviewing some of my closest friends during my time here at WDC and I have always been honest in my ratings regardless of the friendship we share. I look at it this way: I would much prefer for a friend of mine to give me a low rating and an honest review than try to stroke my ego and leave me with the embarrassment of an item that is of no value in my port. In turn, I apply this way of thinking to my own friends when I review them. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect, but shouldn't a 'good' friend strive to improve the skills of their fellow pal if they see it may be needed?

This pattern or trend that is emerging is building strength and I am seeing it more and more as I scour the pages. There are two certain people who do this between each other so often that I know before I even look, that a 5.0 star rating will be attached to the review and true to course, there always has been but it goes much further than this. It reaches a point where the review is not even a review but an account of how wonderful this person is in each and every way. This may be true, in fact I am sure it is because I also know the person I am referring to and they are an amazing individual but they are not what I would deem an 'amazing' writer. Far from it in fact. The actual technique of writing is not their strong suit but their creativity is.

So again, I ask for some clarity. Does my honesty make me a good friend or a bad friend? I would really like to know other people thoughts on this matter.

Have a good day.

Goth Angel.
 

Today took a nice turn for a change. Usually the only turns my days take are ones of aggrivation, frustration and stress LOL. My sister recently brought her first house and invited us all over for lunch today. It was a nice switch because usually they are all at my place and I am the lucky one who gets left to clean their path of destruction when they leave.

We went over and she made us all some spaghetti bolognaise and garlic bread followed by glasses and glasses of pineapple juice for me (it's my favorite). We visited for a while, checked out what she had done with the house so far, watched some T.V while she played with the twins and then she comes out with a huge custard tart and tells us we have to eat that too. Sheesh, I felt so sick already from being full. The baby is so big now that there is not really any room left in the belly to have huge meals, I just can't hold the weight LOL.

It was a nice and relaxing time and I enjoyed myself. It was exactly the break I needed. She refused to allow me to help with the dishes, wouldn't let me dry them either, I was ordered to either sit and talk to her while she did it all or go and park myself on the lounge to watch television. She is just as stubborn as me so there was no point in arguing. It was good to get off my feet anyway. The old blood pressure has been rising a bit lately which has been causing swelling in the feet, legs and ankles so it was nice to take a load off.

I'm crossing my fingers that she continues with the good surprises. LOL

Goth Angel.