I did it.

I've officially started a new blog. There's even an entry there and everything.

Not that the entry says anything that you loving WDC blog followers don't already know, but hey, it's a start.

http://stunningnormality.blogspot.com/

My membership is up at the end of the month/year.
That's when this blog will disappear.
So bookmark the new one and I'll see you there.... or not.
 

Yeah... I certainly am.

I've spent the last twenty minutes or so deleting things and taking care of my contest... My sig shop is gone, the recipe forum that I spoke about opening won't be happening... but if one of you wants to open one let me know and I'll be more than happy to contribute to it. Or... since the forum and photographs are in my recycle bin here on WDC I can simple re-activate them and transfer them to your account.

Nothing has changed in the what... five days since I last blogged. I'm still working on changing my perspective... sometimes that is more difficult to do than actual change.

I will be spending the next two months getting things here taken care of, cleaned up, condensed, etc... I will be removing my blogs-as I will be going to an unpaid/basic membership.

For those of you who wish to continue to follow the exploits of Malcolm and I don't fear! Not only will blurbs still appear on Facebook but I will be starting a new blog on blogger. I will post a link to it once I have it set up.

Okay... back to the multitude of things that I have to deal with.
 

For those of you whom I haven't seen wandering around the abyss that is FuckingFacebook... Yes. I am alive.

Although I've missed blogging, I have had little to no desire to log on to WDC for these last couple/few (?) weeks.

So consider this an official hiatus.

I'll be back in a few days to close up my contest and take care of a few other things around here... but all around I think I'm going to take a break. Cleaning things up around here will take one of the small burdens off my shoulders and free up some space in my mind to think/worry/ponder more important things.

Overall things are the same.

Malcolm is fucking amazing.
My cats are annoying but I love them and couldn't live without them.
Chris is driving me fucking nuts.
My knee is killing me-in fact, it's throbbing RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

Work is great.
Life is okay.

I don't know that I'll pick up blogging here again with any kind of regularity.
I want to start up a new blog... Some of you are aware of my blog on blogger... I think a few of you even follow it. It is even more neglected than this lovely blog.

I think I'm going to start up a new blog there. I'll be getting rid of the one I currently have up and starting from scratch.
When that occurs I'll be sure to post a link here, in this blog for those of you who don't follow me on FFB, for those of you who do... I'll probably post there when I write a new entry.

I will be deleting my Twitter account.
Completely re-doing my Myspace page if not deleting it altogether.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

A lot going on in my head, my life needs an overhaul of sorts and the internet is one of those places.

Right now I'm addicted to farming games on FFB.
It's amusing, so laugh at me.

Feel free to email me or contact me through FFB if you want to keep in touch. I'm still here!!

Oooo... I gotta pee.
 

I'm very sad today.
I'm very angry.
I'm in so much pain I want to either scream or curl up into a little ball and cry until I lose consciousness.

However, I have to take care of Malcolm. I need to be here and I need to be a mom.
Days like this being a mom is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to deal with anything or anyone and I just want to cease to exist for a few moments. Hide under the covers and pretend like I'm the last person on earth.

Yesterday I was carrying one of the cat boxes in from the balcony and I tripped over one of Malcolm's chairs. I hit it, it moved, flipped up and two of its legs hit me. I have three bruises on my left leg; two on my calf and one on my shin. They hurt. I also managed, earlier in the day, to slam my right knee into the corner of the coffee table and I have a pretty bruise complete with a bump.

I took a pain killer and hour and a half ago.
Nothing.
I may as well have taken a fucking M&M.

It's cold.
I like it.

But that's about the only thing I like other than the delicious vanilla macadamia nut coffee I had this morning.

It's pretty bad when you can't take pleasure in anything and you're trying to think of who you can call to come over and play with your kid so you can go into your room and cry yourself to sleep.

I almost made Chris call in sick today... but I'm not sure if he's getting paid sick leave yet as he's still in his probationary period.

I know what will fix this, I know what will take the pain away and take the anger away and leave me to concentrate fully on the sorrow-to figure it out-to deal with it and put it away... but I don't have it. I don't have any way of getting it and even if someone handed me the money right now I'd probably use the money to buy the things we need that don't fall under the category of diapers or food.

Financially things are too tight.
They've never been this tight.
I've always been able to afford my meds.

I haven't been logging on here because of a number of reasons. One is lack of interest... not in you and not in your blogs, just the site itself. I feel that the only things I have to blog about are how angry and depressed I am. The two are partially entwined, solving one will not solve the other but will assist me in solving the other. Anyway, since all I do here is blog I just can't find the desire to log on.

My feet are cold. I need my slippers.

Better... or at least it will be in a few minutes.

The few people I've texted this morning haven't returned my texts and its been over two hours.
That furthers my depression.
The only adult communication I have is online and I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone, I want someone here-in my home, distracting me, keeping me company and getting me high so I can fucking walk without pain.
Getting up to get the fish sticks and tater tots out of the oven in a few minutes will wipe me out.

Over all this week hasn't been too bad. I've made some progress on the things I want to make progress on and in that regard I'm pleased.

Malcolm is doing well
He's happy go lucky and hates that mommy is sad/mad/in pain but knows how to deal with it.

Yeah... have nothing else to say so I shall cease your torment.
Til next time.
*waves*
 

Is it bad that before I could check my Email I had to come and read my last blog entry? I don't log on here on Monday and Tuesday so the blog fell out of my head. *shrug* Such is life.

My knee is killing me and I'm in a homicidal mood. But I've gotten a lot accomplished today so I'm feeling pretty good. I just have to tackle the bedrooms now...

Oooo... a text message. Let's see who wants me and why.

My husband, wanting the mystery number he had written on the bottom of the grocery list...

So I wish I had a hundred and one things to talk about, but I don't. I actually have nothing to talk about.

One of my friends on FFB, who happens to be Scotty's best friend (Scott my cousin who vaporized his head-you know-that Scott) just found out that her cat has a brain tumor.

Fuck 2009.

The number on the bottom of the grocery list is Chris' new alarm code. Anybody want it? I can copy the keys for you next time he works a late shift.

At work on Monday, near the end of the day, we had some clients in talking to Anna and the new girl was up front too... I was in the back with my nose in my book when I heard this crash. The corner where the clinic is located is a mess. There are accidents there all the time. Anyway, I thought nothing of it until I heard someone say, "It's on the roof!" Then I went up front, looked through the window, saw a truck over-turned in the bush-filled center divide and then I was out the door.

I took First Responder courses about 11 years ago. I still remember a lot, so I ran over there to make sure no one was hurt. When I arrived at the scene people were standing around with their cell phones taking pictures, only one person was checking to make sure no one was in the vehicle. I assisted her, determined no one was inside and then started directing traffic around the accident until the police arrived. It turns out the occupant punched/kicked out the window and ran off. When the cop's arrived I told them I hadn't seen anything, was just helping with traffic, and then left. I don't know anything else about what happened, don't care either.

I was mightily disturbed by the fact that so many people were taking pictures of the scene. I mean... WTF? Someone could have been dead, or dieing inside that car and only one person of the dozen or so that were there was actively trying to help. It sickened me. I know that in the case of an accident a lot of people will "rubber-neck" and that lookey-loos are very common. Personally I make it a point not to rubber-neck. I think about how I would feel if it were me on the side of the road and I simply drive past. I mean, give me a fucking break? If you had been in a collision and were shaken, or even hurt, would you want people slowing down and gawking at you? If you answer anything but no then perhaps you should seek therapy, if you're already in therapy then bring it up with your therapist next time you go in.

I try not to do things that other people do that piss me off.

I try not to be a hypocrite.

I am a hypocrite, don't get me wrong. We all are. Anyone who says they aren't is telling a fib, just like the people who say they don't pick their nose or masturbate. I can see their noses growing...

Trying not to be a hypocrite is, to me, a sign that one is trying their best to follow the golden rule.

If you don't know what the golden rule is then google it, then hit your head against the wall repeatedly.

I'm going to go kick my kid out of his room so I can clean it.


 

So I got an interesting friend request today. Before I continue I'll say that I approved it, with full knowledge of what I was doing. My reason? I just don't care.

My ex-boyfriend's wife's little brother.
Yeah, talk about degrees of separation.

He's a year younger than me and although I knew his sisters (there were two in my class) I wouldn't have counted them as friends. Friendly, yes, but not friends. Get my meaning? Anyway, he was a little punk in high school, used to trash talk me because the cool kids trash-talked me and he wanted to be one of the cool kids. That kind of shit I can put aside, I can forget about. In high school everybody is just a mess, a psychological and emotional teenage mess... you seriously can't hold a lot of that shit against people.

Now, my junior year I broke up with my first boyfriend, ironically named Chris. For simplicities sake we'll refer to him by his initials-CCG. Now, we had a fucked up relationship. We were from different schools and different social circles. He was a football player and semi-popular (before he dropped out-which he did shortly after meeting me) and I was a theatre dork who hung out with band geeks and got picked on by jocks and preppies. A friend of mine, who was a "fringe dweller" (almost popular, but had too man friends who weren't popular to really count) started dating him. She happened to be good friends with CCG's best friend's girlfriend who also went to our school-which is how she met CCG. Now... their relationship only lasted a couple of months, and during the course of that short-lived relationship CCG met the girl who would be his wife.

They went to our senior prom together. The Monday following prom this girl, whose name is Sativa-I fucking kid you not, approached me in the only class we had together, and apologized for bringing him to prom. She said she didn't want to hurt me, and that they had just gone as friends. I told her I didn't care, but begged her not to date him. As I said, our relationship was fucked up. Fucked up on a lot of levels that I'm not going to get into here.

She assured me that they weren't dating, and that she had no interest in him like that. But I found out a year or so later that they were dating, wished them much happiness and wasn't the least bit surprised to find out that they had gotten married. Anyway, I found her on Myspace a couple years ago but didn't send her a friend request, for obvious reasons. I did, however, get to see pictures of their kid, their butt-ugly kid. Seriously-this kid is unfortunate. Which is strange, because Sativa and CCG are both good looking... *shrug* Whatever.

When I saw that friend request today I figured that the young man had been "put up to it" by his sister.
Know what?
Don't care.

Glad that she's happy, glad that they have a couple of kids and are doing well. The other kid is kinda cute, but only kinda. I guess some genes should never mix...

If someone feels the need to "check me out" or "spy on me" through a sibling or friend's FFB page, then let them. If I really cared I would send her a friend request, water under the bridge and all that shit... but I don't. I really, really don't.

If her brother just friended me because I'm a fucking baseball card, familiar name, whatever... don't care about that either.

So yeah.

I have a fucking island now.
*bangs head on desk*

It's too hot to think, which is unfortunate because it's really not that hot. However, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the heat, I'm tired of being tired all the time and I'm tired of not getting anything done all day. However, I have decided to let today be lazy so that I can concentrate on what is going on between my ears for a little while longer. I can't get all my ducks in a row if I don't have a duck-herding plan. Know what I mean?

So I intend to start tomorrow. Long road, windy, steep drop offs, switchbacks and detours will abound and constantly throw me off course. But I gotta start or I'll never get to where I want to be. Know what I mean?

Okay. I'm done now.
Just thought I'd share my speculation.
I'm going to scream if I don't eat soon... I snacked, but it was simply not enough. *sigh* It's only four and the earliest I can give Malcolm dinner is five... So... perhaps another cigarette for the "appetite suppression" aspect... hmmm....
 

Spent a lot of time in my head yesterday, haven't come to any conclusions, but I made a lot of progress. I'm sure you know how that goes, everyone has been there, it's just life.

This morning I spent the better part of an hour attempting to get the latest version of the Adobe Flash Player installed on my computer. I had to upgrade Mozilla, no problem... but it still won't do it. When I finally thought I had gotten there and went through the download and install rigamorale and restarted the computer for the second time I logged back on and discovered that, once again, there was an error. If I don't get it to work before Chris comes home I'm dumping the computer in his lap and making him deal with it. If he can't fix it then I'm calling Tom and asking him when he can come over for dinner and laptop updating. The only immediate problem with this is that I can't log on to FarmTown.

I'm not panicking though. It's not a big deal. It can't be a big deal. When I can't log on to FarmVille I go ballistic, I can't let that happen anymore. It's just a fucking game. I went all day yesterday only planting and harvesting one crop. It was therapeutic.

My feet are cold.

I'm going to go have a cigarette, then get a fresh cup of coffee...

Today I am grumpy.
However, Malcolm keeps insisting that I am not grumpy.
If we argue about it I'll just get grumpier, so I am choosing to ignore him.

I'm sick to death of the repeat game. When he says something I have to repeat it to him or he will say it over and over again until I scream out, "I get it! Now stop saying it! I heard you the first time!!" It's annoying.

I went to the grocery store last week and two things that I vividly remember purchasing have gotten lost in limbo. When I left the store there was nothing left on the counter, the guy who bagged my groceries put everything in the cart. When I put the cart in the corral there was nothing left in it, having left things in the cart before I am extremely careful about that. I didn't immediately notice that the things were missing, but when I did I double, triple checked the car-not there. So my coffee and my cheese have been stolen by gremlins.

I got more cheese today and Ellen is bringing me some coffee that she got as a free sample, that, coupled with what I still have should tide me over until pay day. If it doesn't then my head will explode and you'll all have to attend the funeral.

I'm grumpy.
Let's keep stating the obvious.

I'm hardly ever on here anymore, and I'm starting to re-think my membership. I love having my blog, but it's about the only reason I'm here. I simply can't justify maintaining a premium membership anymore. Thanks to Catherine I'm set until the end of March so I have about six months to figure out what I want to do. I haven't been writing much either so... Yeah, we'll see.

I won't leave, I may just bump down to basic and keep my stories, get rid of the forums and book items and blog on blogger with some regularity instead of the random entries that pop up over there from time to time. I'm not really sure... I have a lot of thinking to do.

I have a lot of thinking to do in regard to many areas of my life. I'm not depressed, but I'm not exactly happy either. A lot of things are getting to me. I have to talk to my husband about choices that he makes, and things he does and the way that he doesn't seem to give a flying fuck about the consequences. I asked him to scoop the cat boxes last night and he didn't. I had pointed out to him that the last time I asked him to do it for me he had forgotten. Well, after promising to remember he forgot and to top it off he hit my candy stash and ate my raspberry tootsie pop. I was pissed. When he wakes up he will be told that he owes me a raspberry tootsie pop. He's just lucky he didn't eat the watermelon one. Do you know how freakin' rare those are? I love tootsie pops, and I love watermelon lollipops (watermelon is my favorite) so to actually get my hands on a watermelon tootsie pop is like... heaven on a fucking stick. Anyway, although what he did last night isn't that big of a deal it's just one more thing on top of all the other things he does, or doesn't do. There are a lot of things in my life that irritate me, a lot of areas of my life that need work. I need to re-evaluate some friendships, I need to make some changes in a number of areas or I'm going to find myself in a funk that I'll have a hard time climbing out of. The way I feel right now reminds me of how I felt in 2002 when I called my mom and asked her if I could move back home. The only real difference is that this time around I'm not a slobbering drunkard who hasn't been sober in three weeks. I'm just discontented with my life. I won't say that I made the wrong choices-overall things are good. But when a lot of small things aren't going well they can have a large impact on your life. If you don't know that then you're a fucking alien.

Why haven't I been blogging very much?
Honestly?
Facebook zaps most of my computer time for the day. I spend so much time there that when I'm finished with something there I find that it's time to get up and be productive, or go play with Malcolm so WDC gets forgotten.

Another thing is... what's there to blog about?
Yeah, I know, I usually blog about nothing but lately that hasn't been enough for me.
My head is on fire.
My temper is out of control.
I wish I could afford therapy for my anger management, but I can't. If I could afford therapy I could afford pot and if I could afford pot I wouldn't need therapy.

My whole life seems to be an angry little circle of if A then B but if A then I wouldn't need B because I would have C which negates the need for B or makes B an automatic thing.
It's stupid.

A lot of it is finances.
A lot of it is residual anger at the fact that my husband lost his job in April and when he finally found another job it paid $6 less an hour. This puts a financial burden on my shoulders that I can barely handle.

For those of you who don't know the full story, allow me to share it with you and thus justify my anger.
Chris stole from his employer. Over the course of six months he stole $1500 and the way he covered it up implicated other people. He was inches away from becoming a store manager. As a matter of fact, he could have his own store by now and we could be well on our way to being debt free... we could be saving up to buy our own home. But instead of telling me that he needed some help with the bills he started stealing.

So yeah. I'm still angry at him. I'm still paying for his mistake.

I am paying for his mistake.
Me.
Yeah, he's paying too, but the fact that I have to suffer the consequences of his actions irritates the hell out of me.
Don't feed me that shit about how once you're married blah, blah, blah... I'm not fucking idiot.
Everyone is selfish. No matter what you say, you are a selfish being, it's how we're hard-wired. To stop and consider how your actions affect others is not automatic for most people... but when you're married, when you have a child... every single thing you do needs to be evaluated.

Oh, and I know this probably goes without saying but keep your mouths shut about what Chris did. The fact behind his losing his job is still not common knowledge. I don't need this appearing on FFB and I certainly don't want to discuss it in a phone conversation or over drinks at the local titty bar. Read it, comment on it if you must and then file it away.

I'm going to go have a cigarette and then I'm going to get started cleaning my kitchen. Ellen is coming over around five and Grey's Anatomy premieres tonight.

Uh... Yeah.
 

I'm eating Doritos and waiting for it to get too hot.
It's warm right now, livable though. I'm not sweating when I'm sitting still.
Tuesday it's supposed to be 101. Tuesday is also the first day of fall.

Tomorrow is going to be hell.

But I have my medicine because the pot fairy came and visited.

Right now Malcolm and Chris are sitting on the couch watching the 49er game.
Malcolm is cheering along, "Go! Go!" it's fucking adorable.


I got a lot done this morning. Malcolm peed on the toilet five times yesterday, but only once today. It's all good, we have a deal. Every time he goes pee he gets and M&M, he digs it, but it's not enough incentive. If he goes poo on the toilet then he gets an M&M and a sticker to put on his toilet. The stickers say things like "Good Job!" and "Way to Go!" and came with the toilet. But with Malcolm stickers is a good reward, that kid is fucking addicted to stickers, they're like crack to him, the more he has the more he wants. We've given him address labels, the stickers that you put on your calendar to remind you to give Revolution to your critter every month... it doesn't matter, as long as it's a sticker. So I'm waiting for the first poop. I have a feeling that he's not paying enough attention to how it feels when he has to go. So he doesn't even realize that he should be asking to go to the toilet. By the time he does realize it, it's too late. Or he's just busy and doesn't want to deal with it. Regardless, he'll get it as long as I'm persistent, but not too persistent.

Once he gets two stickers (two poops) he'll get a toy.
After that I suppose I'll have to hit the dollar store and stock up on sheets of stickers so I have things I can continue to bribe him with until he just does it. But we'll see.

So back to everything that I got done today... Yesterday I lined a cupboard. A deep, dark cupboard. I have most of the cupboards lined but had left off under the sink and the huge cupboard that I have to climb inside with a flashlight in order to find anything in. It took two days. The first day was spent taking everything out, vacuuming the cupboard and cleaning it. I gave it a day to dry out then I climbed back in with some shelf liner, my box cutter and my flashlight. The maneuvers my inflexible ass had to do in order to get those cupboards lined should have been filmed. But it was accomplished and everything was put back in. I even managed to get rid of a couple of things.

So on that note today I cleaned out my drawers. I emptied them (all but the one I did a few days ago due to simple need), cleaned them, dried them, and then put everything back in. I have to take some utensils out of the drawer I cleaned a few days ago and put them in the since established Goodwill bag.

I'm jumping around a lot.
It's okay, I'm stoned and zoning.
I'm a rambling machine.

There are still more drawers and cupboards but I also did a load of laundry, folded it and put it away - *pumps fist* - made my bed, dealt with the boychick, swept the balcony, took out about three bags of garbage, cleaned the kitchen trash can, scooped the cat boxes, swept the kitchen and swept the balcony. All before the heat hit. All so that I could justify sitting here and rambling at you while stuffing my face with salty snacks that taste so good they're probably killing me slowly.

I gave a brief schedule of Monday in the last entry. It promises to be an interesting/crazy morning during which time I will probably completely lose my mind. If you follow me on FFB I will try to post regularly tomorrow so that you can follow my descent into madness. If you don't follow me on FFB then... well... find me if you wanna.

I need to go get the Dorito stuff out from under my fingernails, then I think I'll go have a cigarette. I think the chemical combination between the nicotine and the Doritos will cancel each other out, therefore I will not have shortened my life in the slightest.
 

The internet is so slow tonight that it makes my head hurt.

I'm going insane.

So I don't know if it's post-birthday-blues (I get them sometimes) or if it's the fact that after a month of Chris working we are coming to the joint realization that he just doesn't make enough money. I could get more hours, I could work four days a week. But who would watch Malcolm? Who would be willing to take my kid all day Friday and all day Saturday for $50? Because that's all I would be able to afford. Seriously.

I believe it is a combination of both. Post-birthday-blues usually result from a birthday that was a bit of a let-down. You see... It's a selfish reaction, and I recognize that. But I love my birthday so much, I build it up so much in my head, that when things don't happen the way I think they will/should/expect them to... I get the blues.

But I did use the money from my Grandma and Grandpa Kurtz to get myself some stuff from Amazon. This is tradition, an the arrival of that box always makes me happy, lifts my spirits... brings back some birthday.

I got... House Season Five, Grey's Anatomy Season One, three books and some brown sugar bears. I need those stupid bears. I'm longing for those stupid bears.

Sorry I haven't been around. Seriously? It's FuckingFaceBook. That place is a black hole that sucks away my time, my energy and entertains me so vastly that I just don't happen to care right now.

I'm depressed!
Look!
I admitted it!

Don't fret, it's a funk, I get in them.
I get out of them too.

If it lasts for too long I'll have to do something about it, but right now it's cool. It's actually healthy to be depressed sometimes. Yes.

Ellen came over for a bit today, she starts school next week so we probably won't see her until Thursday-which will be the new "Auntie Ellen Day". I get to re-arrange my cleaning and laundry schedule... again. Every semester... *sigh*

Her move is still driving her and everyone in her vicinity insane.

This coming Monday is one huge SNAFU of incredible proportions. I wonder how the fuck we're going to survive.

Chris has to work from 5:00-9:00 or 11:00, he's not sure yet.

I have to work from 9:00-6:00

I have to take my mom to a doctor's appointment at 9:00 and pick her up at 12:00

Anybody available to babysit from 7:30-2:00ish?
Seriously.
If I take Malcolm to work with me I will make him watch us neuter a dog.

Ellen is going to help out however she can.
Everyone cross your fingers that she's able to finangle the morning off and thus spare my son the site of a dog's internal organs.

Your fingers aren't crossed quite tight enough.

I'll go in and talk to my boss tomorrow. If Monday morning is slow, they can keep it slow and he can give me the morning off. But I'm certainly not going to suggest it, I can't fucking afford to suggest it.

But... if I'm lucky I can talk to Andrew and see if he'll come in for me if I come in for him on Saturday for part of the day... I could swing the 9:00-12:00 and let him sleep in... Might be worth it, he is only 21 and we all know how those boys love to sleep.

It'll work out.
Always does.

So yeah, it's a quarter after twelve and I'm looking at tomorrow's to-do list. There are eight things on it. If I can't do #1 on the list, then I will-in all likelihood-not be able to do six other items.

I haven't been paid yet, no biggie, the checks are either ready and they forgot to call me, or they'll be ready tomorrow. But I can't clean my bathroom until I wash my towels, my son has no clean pajamas for tomorrow night and my husband needs clean work clothes. I can't do laundry until I get paid. I need to clean the cat boxes but I only have enough cat litter for one cat box. I can't buy more cat litter until I get paid. I have no bread, no beef, I'm running low on milk and chicken but I can't go buy more because I haven't gotten paid.

It's kind of a SNAFU.
I'm all about the SNAFU.

Chris is going to try to pick up some bread and quarters tonight.
He's at Dave's.
I could care less about the bread, I have Bisquick and I have tortillas. I have frozen french fries, potatoes, rice and pasta. We're good. I'm out of coffee creamer though, and that's gonna fucking hurt in the morning.

I need to do my laundry.
It's getting scary in my closet...

I really should go take a shower.
So I'm hoping to catch up on blogs tomorrow... but I don't know if I'll be able to comment if I'm going to accomplish that. So...

Feel the love right now... Call upon the warmth later, when you need it.