I met this guy when I was fresh faced out of high school. Nineteen and loving life. He was intense, broody, hysterically funny, brilliant, talented, and everything else fabulous in the world. We broke up about a year later because I was a wuss(read:young) and thought he deserved better.

I spent five years loving him anyway which is chronicled in my endless journals.

We got back together the summer before this last one. It lasted about nine months. I was just out of an ugly relationship and not right in the head and I don't think he was prepared for everything.

I planned on spending the rest of my life with him. Being old coots on the front porch spraying down the neighborhood kids when they trespassed on our precious lawn. (Which would probably be barren and weed dotted.) Plans are rather fragile.

I have taken to writing him letters that meander through our relationship and my feelings and experiences. There are memories, poems, love letters, angry and demanding letters. Whatever moves me at any given time.

I decided to journal these letters because it helps to know others experience this loss. Chemically the loss of an important relationship mimics death. Yet, while there are resources for divorce and death it's hard to find support for the straight forward loss of love. The despair and sorrow is no less for the lack of a ring. It has helped me to read others' writing about their losses in love and life so I have decided to add my voice.