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| Cookie My journal, my life and thoughts, my rants and ramblings, just me as I am. | | by: | |
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| Item Size: 40 Entries
Created: 5:10pm on 09-17-2009
Modified: 2:35pm on 01-29-2010 | |
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Huge Hugs and Thanks to K.L. ~ AKA Jolly!  for my purple ribbon. 
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A bit about me.
I am 38 years old and live in Country Victoria, Australia. I work from home in a job that deals with faults and emergencies for two electricity and one gas network. I do not have much, but there have been times in my life when I have had a lot less, so I am grateful for what I do have. My childhood and education were a bit unfortunate, we moved around a lot, and I did not have a support structure of friends or a consistent path of learning, and I did not feel really part of the family. I guess I felt that I could do nothing to please my parents, in the end I just stopped bothering, and stumbled on a path to give them something to be disappointed about. I did not know at the time I was ill with depression, neither did anyone else, and have been living and fighting the condition for 28 years. I think I am starting to win, not jumping for joy or running around cheering, but life is okay, and that is a big step forward for me. Here is where my journey continues...
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Cranky Danks
Saturday 30th January, 2010.
Yes I have been in the Cranky Danks since Wednesday, and had no apparent reason for this state of Grumpy Grumbles, until yesterday when I just lost it over something minor and had a bit of a turn. To get straight to the point, the doctor has taken me off work for the next week, and I have been ordered to just take it easy and rest...As I am feeling a little bit crappy, I think it best to attempt to do what I am told, as it is not really in my nature to take orders. I am more of an ask me and I'll think about it, tell me and you have no chance sort of girl. A rebellion from my youth that has never left me.
I have to do some shopping this morning, and as my head is still a fuzzy haze of nothing a shopping list is looking like a good idea, otherwise I shall find myself shopping all day as I go back to the shops for the things I have forgotten. Do not laugh, this is something that is a regular occurrence for me, and probably the reason why shopping is my least favourite activity. I will need to be organized for the event today as I do not want to be going in and out all day. Once the shopping is over I shall just wander around here and catch up on a few things. I think that will be the best way to relax this afternoon. I am off to do the shopping list, I know I need sugar, cat food and dog food, but that is all I can remember. Time to look in the cupboard and the fridge and see what is actually in there. Shall return this afternoon...
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Hairy Two Legged
Friday 22nd January, 2010.
Hairy Two Legged is my friend’s partner, and he is an interesting character, although I have never met him. His work takes him away a lot of the time, and he appeared on the scene after I had begun working from home, so there has just not been a time when our paths have crossed.
I know he is tall, as my friend is also tall, and so I can see his height from her description. Every time he pops back from whatever he is working on, my understanding is that he looks like something dragged through a paddock backwards and a peg is needed for the nose. So I have a picture of a tall, rather grotty guy, covered in dirt and hay, mixed with sheep poo and cow pads. Now I know this is not what he looks like all the time and that this is just a product of what he has been working on, and has not had much time when he has dropped in to see she is doing okay. The only other appearance details I have is that he is not really good at matching his clothes, probably because he is usually in a uniform for work, but he has real interesting shirt and tie combinations when going out. When not away getting dirty, he is a clean cut kind of guy, so his job must take him out of his zone often. I must admit that I am looking forward to meeting him just to get a clear picture in my head, as the visions I have now are amusing, but it would be nice to put a face to the name. I will meet him eventually, but until then, I shall have a quiet chuckle about the picture in my head.
The week has just flown past, and I have been engrossed in the seven day poetry challenge. I confess that the poems have taken up a lot of my time as the forms have all been new to me, and I have had to work out exactly what I need to do in order to keep to the form. I am enjoying it and have three more challenges ahead. Then the flash fiction seven day challenge is due to begin. I have just accepted that this month is being spent participating in the winter activities of the Pond group. With work being busy I have not been able to do much else, at least where my writing is concerned, but I am still happy with what I have been able to do.
January is proving to be a productive and positive month, and as I iron out all the kinks and get into a flow that will help me reach my goals, I am still pleased with how things are going. One step at a time, being proud of what I have achieved, and looking at where I can improve, is what this year is all about and how I can be sure of my success. The thing that I am finding most unusual is that I am still managing to keep the depression at bay, and have only had one not good day, but the feelings were short lived. The days are still up and down, things get to me and I have a bit of a spit, but a sense of the world being still okay returns. I know this is where I have to be at the moment, living where I would rather not and doing a job I no longer want to do, but knowing that there are plans for a better future is proving to be a real asset.
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Yahoo It’s Friday
Friday 15th January, 2010.
Thank goodness this week is over
Bring on the weekend
Well started writing this on Friday
It is now Sunday 17th January, 2010.
The week from hell was delivered into my life, courtesy of my job, and I am so tired and worn out, but am trying to liven up for the weekend. It just seems to have been feral city this week and I am glad to be leaving it all behind. Thank goodness I had friends in the office with emails of nonsense to keep me sane; I do not think we would last without each other to get through the bad days.
I had plans to clean up Friday and get the washing and all the chores done, leaving the weekend free to write and relax. Instead, a friend realized that I was not in the best of moods and my mind was in need of some good old fashioned nonsense, and she has some troubles of her own that needed another perspective.
She arrived unexpectedly, while I was standing over the washing machine, and presented me with two bunches of flowers and four large note books, saying, “I think your day has been worse than mine.”
The washing was abandoned and the important duties of coffee, food and open conversation taking their necessary priority. We began with afternoon tea around 4 in the afternoon, then dinner came, then some late night snacks, and, as usual, before we knew it the sun was rising and it was after 5 in the morning. One more coffee, well maybe two, and after 7 am she left for home, with both of us in better spirits and sore stomachs from laughing so much.
I cleaned up and finished the washing, did the shopping and showered, in-between napping. The day ended with me in my recliner chair, eating Chinese takeaway and watching a DVD.
I am now refreshed, online catching up with reviews and the things I have to post, and feeling much better. All that I need to do is forget about having to go back to work tomorrow, let’s just not think about it.
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Deciding to be Me.
Wednesday 13th January, 2010.
I have spent a lot of my life trying to please other people,
and have ended up miserable and depressed.
I long to be free
to soar away from my downs
sense the feeling of joy
leaving behind all the frowns
Confident with myself
unchained to be me
no longer afraid of others
ready to stand and not flee
As what I believe
is to be true to myself
follow my own heart
and accept the inner self
For I am the one
who cannot walk away
others can choose to run
but I have to stay
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Exhausted, but not Sleepy Enough
Tuesday 12th January, 2010.
I am not quite ready to commit myself to the land of dreams, but I am too tired to focus on any particular activity, locked in a space of transition and not knowing what to do with myself. In the end, I choose to batter my keyboard as I empty my head, spilling its contents on to the page, and rambling on with no real direction intended.
My mind is never completely empty, although I may sometimes give the impression it is, but there are times when what it contains is better not to be expressed openly. There are things of a delicate nature, which are open to misinterpretation, and could lead to unnecessary trials in my life that I have not the patience to contend with.
Often we forget how powerful words can be, especially when placed in an open forum for the world to see. When laying our thoughts out into the greater community, it is wise to remember that there are eyes we may prefer not to view our work, who have the ability to do so.
Our words reflect our creativity, our artistic flare, but can also mirror our soul, and reveal who we truly are. I am starting to think more about this, wondering if I am making a good impression and displaying the real me.
I do not understand our weather at the moment, I mean it is summer here, but it is all up and down. In the last 24 hours we have had over 40 temperatures which I think is above 100 in US degrees, a hail shower, and now cooling rain. It is over 40 for a day then backs into the 20s the next. I just do not get it. I had a summer dress on this morning and was melting; now I have a jumper and jeans on to ward off the chill, wondering what I should choose for tomorrow. I think it will be wellies and a rain coat, or a brightly coloured sarong.
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Ready for Meltdown, Not Really.
Monday 11th January, 2010.
Four days off work and I am still not fully fit. Although, I am better than I was, which is something to be grateful for. I think we have all been put on 12 hour shifts today, meaning I am on from 7am till 7pm, and I am not sure I will last. This is the first shift on since I became really ill, and I am not sure I can make it through an extra 4 hours, as with the high temperatures a normal shift will be bad enough.
The heat today is expected to soar above 40, the state of Victoria is on total fire ban with over half in extreme fire danger, a quarter in severe danger and the quarter I live in under very high. This is the worst day since the new system was installed, and the first time the state map has been nearly covered in red warnings. I am worried as predictions for this fire season are horrific, expected to be worst that last year, with conditions more destructive than Black Saturday.
The car is packed and ready to go if the need arises, and I have the evacuation plan ready. I grab my handbag and bag at the door, pack the cats into the cage and in the front seat of the car, collect the dogs and put them in the back seat, lock up and go. In cases of extreme or severe fire danger, we just leave early in the morning, and pick the safest place we can go. At least there are no fires burning out of control right now, as the map has some controlled marks but no burning ones. I just hope that it stays safe. I mean, if the fires come there is nothing you can do, you just have to try and make the best decisions you can.
I am off to have a cooked breakfast, as it will become to hot to cook today, and I have to eat with my tablets. I am hoping that it will not reach over 40 today, as it is nice and cool right now, and that everything will be just a false alarm.
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Spirits Lifted
Saturday 9th January, 2010.
I received a lovely get well wish today, which lifted my spirits, and made my day.
Thank you Who Me, your words made me feel much better.
Hope you are feeling better too.
When I am feeling blue, that is the time that I tend to wonder round the shops, for some retail therapy. Sometimes I just window shop and at others I like to spend a little. Since the antibiotics I am taking keep me indoors, it is in the middle of summer and this medication can rash the skin if exposed to sun, I am unable to wonder around the shops, and am feeling like a vampire heading outdoors only between sunset and sunrise. I did have a lovely day in the WDC shop, as I bought a couple of gifts for friends, and ended up buying myself a little something. My excuse being that I needed a new mouse pad as this one is all worn out.
I did venture out this evening to the supermarket, as I needed some pet food, and bought myself some note books. I usually have a note book in every room and pens as well, but over December I seem to have misplaced them all. I might of tidied up for Christmas and put them in a draw somewhere, but for now I need replacements, and I am sure the ones that have gone on holidays will come back again, eventually.
I have 21 reviews owed at the moment, managed to nearly empty my inbox last night, and will work through them. I still have problems with my eyes and there is a bit of pain lingering in my lower back and head. I am having a bit of trouble sitting for any real length of time, but will wonder back and forth tomorrow as I take an adventure around some ports. I will just have to see how I wake up, and I am hoping that I will be comfortable enough to sit and read, at least for a little while.
I have 10 days of medication to get through, and hope that all will be well before then.
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Glamorous Cookie???
Saturday 9th January, 2010.
This all started while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled in the chemist.
I saw a pretty note book with Glamour written on it and one of those high heeled slippers with the fluff on the strappy bit.
I thought it a lovely book for girly stuff to be written in, anyone with any girly stuff, I could use a little help.
So I have come to the conclusion that the antibiotics and bronchitis is playing with my brain.
I began by looking up the definition of Glamour and wondering if I could be a Glamorous Cookie.
Glamour
Definitions from the Encarta Dictionary
An irresistible alluring quality that somebody or something possesses by virtue of seeming much more exciting,
romantic, or fashionable than ordinary people or things
Striking physical good looks or sexual impact, especially when it is enhanced with highly fashionable clothes or makeup
A magical spell or charm
I wonder, as I sip my chi late, if I could become one of the glamorous people. I think it is fashionable to sip chi late, even if it is a packet deal out of a box from the supermarket shelf. I just need to find a way to become more exciting than the ordinary person, and I am not sure about my rounded physical state. Maybe I could find some highly fashionable clothes to drape over the mound and turn it into a form with striking impact. I laugh at my own foolishness. I do not possess the patience required for such an undertaking, fussing over details relating to makeup and forcing myself into uncomfortable clothing. I shall just have to be me, in all my relaxed state of being, and wearing what I like regardless of popular opinion. It is just a fact of my life that expensive good looks are not part of my budget.
I suppose I could become a magical spell or charm, but what type would I like to be? The kind of charm or spell that grants the wishes of a heart, regardless of the intentions of the owner, Mmm, maybe not. A charm that brings joy and love where it is most needed, now that sounds more appealing. I just have to work out how to turn myself into a charm or a spell. Drifting a little too far from reality even for me, let us get back on track again.
In all honesty, I do not see me putting on high heeled slippers with fluffy bits on them, or spending money on fashionable clothing, as I have never been one to keep up with fashion. The fads come and go, and most of the time I have missed them altogether, my mind often distracted by other endeavours. Not that this is a bad thing, I am just not all that into fashion and keeping up with the trends, and maybe I should take more notice being a writer. Still, the question remains, can I be a Glamorous Cookie? Only if my lavender towelling dressing gown from the $20.00 supermarket special bin, and my $6.00 white towelling thong slippers from another supermarket bin, count towards my chances of being glamorous. All I need is the hair rollers, face mask, and scarf. Now there is a picture for you, just shove a mug of coffee in one hand and you just about have it.
Think I shall wonder off and try and recapture my sound mind.
Who would admit to this publicly?
Me, of course, just plain old Cookie.
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Bronchitis and Antibiotics... Yuck!
Friday 8th January, 2009.
I took yesterday off work thinking I had a bit of sinus and once I had the tablets and some sleep I would be fine. Just my luck, not even a week into the new year and I am unwell. I went to the Doctor, who I try to avoid whenever possible, and he said that I have fluid in my ears and lungs, the pain is due to the inflamation causing pressure, and now I am on antibiotics as the condition is Bronchitis. I am okay apart from a sore head, blocked ears, and feeling flat. The thing that is really driving me nuts is that my eyes are sore and I cannot see properly. The words are bluring together so I appologize now for all the typos and spelling mistakes.
I have to take my medicine, rest over the next two days, stay out of the sun, and if I am not feeling better Monday, go back and visit my doctor again. I have to be really good and take care of myself. I do not want to be back at the doctor's next week. So I am off to have a rest and promise to answer all the emails and reviews in my inbox soon. Sorry guys, I was going great guns, and I don't know why this happened.
Never mind, just a minor ailment, as long as I do as I am told and take care of myself.
Cookie is going to try and be good.
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Meandering Thoughts
Tuesday 5th January, 2010.
I would love to be just meandering along, without a care in the world, and enjoying the scenery. Taking my time, unrushed by deadlines and chores, and doing as I please when I please. Unfortunately life is not like this, and I suppose a constant stream of pleasure without any demands, in the end, may lead to boredom. At this moment, I do believe that I could quite happily adjust to this kind of lifestyle, and be more than able to fill my time with productive engagements to satisfy my spirit.
One of my favourite pastimes, which I do not get the chance to do often, is to find a spot and watch the world go by. It is nice to watch people dashing around and trying to guess what their hurry is, especially when you do not have any rush about you. The thing I have noticed is that not many people go around with a smile upon their face. Is the world becoming unhappy and leaving a stern air around us? Maybe, we just do not realize that constantly frowning will give us wrinkles forming a scary reflection in later years, smile lines are a lot more attractive.
I am finding that I no longer rush around, being grumpy all the time, trying to get a lot of nothing really important done. The days of grumbling because there is a long queue somewhere are over, and I just carry a book, pen, and note pad everywhere I go. Listening to other people tut or mumble complaints, can be annoying when you are reading or writing, but I often find their anger is directed at me as I have forgotten to move as the line has. I do not understand it, as we are all in the same spot in the line as we were before, but some people just need to be getting closer to the counter. Sad, really when you think about it, that getting closer to a counter in a queue signifies getting somewhere.
My perspective on life was similar once, but I have forgotten why it was that way, and I prefer my less grumpy outlook. I am now use to the strange looks in the supermarket as I stop mid isle and scribble down an idea or a couple of paragraphs. I am sure the Duty Manager at my local supermarket has me marked as insane, but at least he has stopped following me around the store, and as I used to work for that particular chain in the next town, many of the staff already know me, and I am sure they have just confirmed his suspicions. That might make an interesting story, local town fruit cake from the fruit cake’s perspective, come inside my mind and see what I am thinking.
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Welcome back, my friend.
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