Today, my body aches and hair is stiff and laced with salt. But despite being in a steady state of pain, this has probably been the best Thursday of the quarter. 1) I got sufficient sleep. 2) I'm caught up with my work. 3) It's almost Friday, and therefore, almost time to relax, and almost time to have fun... and Halloween, of course! And 4) Today, in kayaking, we went SURFING! It was SO MUCH FUN! The weather and the waves were perfect - not too hot, not too cold, no fog, no huge swells, no wind... it was a fine day. We beached ourselves, following the waves in, backpaddling when a wave came up behind us... and then our instructor released us and we were free to play in the surf and do whatever we wished. Naturally, I wanted to try catching a wave. At first, I didn't succeed, only getting small ones that were kinda fun, but not sufficient to really ride in. Then I got stuck on a sand bar, and it took a while to wiggle myself out. I went back out backwards, backpaddling through all the waves until it was calm. A wave went over the end of the boat and soaked me shoulders down, and I emerged laughing and hooting. I watched as Chelsea caught a wave, rode it, and then got rolled - she jumped out of the boat and went after her kayak. Then Tatiana wiped out, and everyone heard her scream as a larger wave tipped her over into the surf and the boat went over her head. She got back up and then chased after her boat in the shallow water. Then it was my turn, and I paddled out, looking behind me for the bigger waves... I saw one. I stopped paddling, turned the right direction, and then, as the wave came up behind me, paddled a bit for speed, and then leaned over and braced my paddle against the wave... my kayak caught on the wave, and I was pulled along, the wave trying to roll me sideways, my paddle counter-acting it's pull and keeping me upright so that I slid across the top of the water like a surfboard... no - a surfboat. But as the wave came upon me, my heart surged with adrenaline and excitement and my muscles seized up in preparation... and then, just as the wave hit, I was hit with my own wave of pain as my leg began to violently cramp up. I cried out, simultaneously trying to ride the wave and pain out. I was successful, and I ended up at the river mouth, my leg sore, but still in the kayak. I swore under my breath, both in pain and in ecstacy, in hurt and exhileration. Then I picked up my paddle to do it again.

... and alas, I DID do it again. I was paddling in, and behind me I saw a large wave- the kind of wave I'd been waiting for, the one I could really ride. I prepared myself and gripped my paddle in anticipation, thinking, at the last moment, that I was a little in over my head as the wave proceeded to break on top of me. It slammed into my kayak, and I jerked, thrusting my paddle onto the top of the wave, determined to stay on it as long as I could. And then, just as its full force hit me, and I started moving, my OTHER leg started cramping! This time, the pain won, along with the wave, and, clutching my leg in one hand and my paddle in the other, I went over, diving into the shallow water. My kayak continued surfing without me, and rolled its way all the way back to shore. I swore again, hopping on one foot in the water, comically wielding my paddle and chasing after my renegade boat with a limp, like a crotchety old man chasing after a mischievious child. After getting hit by several waves, I finally caught it and dragged it back to shore, where I nursed my crippled calf muscles and thought to myself: I've got to do that again.

Not to self: do not go to the gym the day before kayaking.

And now, I shall go on a walk - I'd run, but as it is, I can hardly make it up the stairs. I think it's funny though - it wasn't enough for me to get ONE leg cramp, no, it had to be TWO. Ah, the things life throws at you. Who would've thought by the end of the day that I'd end up limping? Not I. But it didn't matter - at work, I was actually ENERGIZED, still exhilerated from the morning's excitement, and I did the dishes with extra energy and speed and greeted people with a huge smile as I swayed to the music (being unable to fully dance from my full-body soreness). It was great. And more greatness tomorrow - and the day after. And for the rest of my life, I thought, as I walked from my last class today, face turned up towards the moon, half-concealed in fog, framed in stars... brilliance, beauty in every stab of pain. I rather like the soreness.

...

Older events of note:

10/25

The disco dance was a flop, but I'm glad because instead I spent the night talking with Ricardo. We had a really personal conversation about our pasts, and Ricardo got so worked up over some of it, that after a while, he said "I need to stop talking about this" and insisted that we play DDR (since that was what we had decided to do). The converstaion was about high school friends, and this crazy situation with his friend wherein the mom was so overprotective that she prevented them from being friends, and the high school ended up calling social services. And then on and on about family members and various situations and relationships we'd had, and how we coped with them... apparently, Ricardo has a bit of a temper, but that's okay. He remarked about how reluctant I was to talk about emotional things, and I was surprised because I actually think I'm pretty open about my life. I simply don't feel as emotional about it as he does. It's not a big deal to me. I'm a calm person, I never get angry, and I like to listen. He said, that's a good trait to have, listening. He said he sometimes felt like he was burdening his friends with all his ranting, and the fact that I can listen and I like to listen is a good quality for a friend.

Also, I suspect that he suspects that I like(d) him, for he has asked me several times "Am I the only one you called to invite to the dance?", things like that. He also came out and asked me: "So... do you like anyone right now?" in this kind of expectant way. I said "No, not really." "Have you ever had a boyfriend or anything like that? Do you date?" "No. Never." "Are you looking?" "Eh... not really. Just kind of living my life, and if something happens... then it happens. You know?" "Ah." I asked him: "Can I ask you the same questions?" And he said that he was looking for a relationship more actively. He told me about an attempt he made this year to tell someone he liked them, which ended up with a make-out session, and then the next day, that person told him that they weren't interested in a relationship with him. I told him a little about how I'd liked someone, and how I was kind of glad that I never got the guts to say anything because he ended up having a mental disorder. And from there, we got into this big discussion about meds and whether or not they help or cause more problems. I'm amazed at the similarities between our lives: he, too, has a younger brother and a younger sister, both of about the same ages as mine, and his brother also had ADHD, and his sister also is spoiled, and he too is distant from his dad and closer to his mother, but doesn't tell her everything... It's amazing, the number of parallels in our lives.

Then we played DDR, and he kept going on these tangents where he would recognize a song and then would have to show me the music video for it so I could listen, and he would tell me the history of the music and how a certain artist had developed, and so on. Some of the music videos were really bizarre, but the music was excellent. Later I told him that I don't usually listen to straight-up dance music, and he said that he should come listen to my music one day.

Today, I woke up and did some homework, wasting away the time until 5, when I'd agreed the night before to meet Ricardo downtown to go Halloween costume shopping (since Silvia cancelled our shopping trip yet again). It was hilarious helping Ricardo find what he needed, for as his costume, he had decided to dress as the opposite gender... which means that I got to help him pick out a pink turtle neck, a tight pair of jeans with sparkles on the butt, and a pair of girly shoes big enough to fit his feet. He tried it all on in the changing room, and when he came out, I couldn't stop laughing, it was great. I found a black shirt for my own costume (I'm going to be one of the black figures from the iPod commercials - I dress in all black, wear the white headphones, and strap a florescent-colored poster board to my back, and then dance in front of it), and then we walked around, Ricardo looking for a bra and tights, and I found my poster board. Eventually, he gave up on his search, so I'm just going to lend him a bra, and he's going to wear his own socks. He'll have to find someone else to do his makeup too, because I don't even have any, much less know how to put it on. It's going to be great fun next weekend, though, to see him walking around in his full ensemble, wig, bra, and all.

We got dinner downtown, he ate my soup when I got full, and then we headed back. We decided to have a game night (he was the one who thought of it - I myself had been intending on going home and doing homework). It was supposed to be at my apartment, but then he called his Porter friends, and they wanted it to be at their apartment. I was a little put off by this because of the awkwardness of my last visit to their apartment. But I went anyway, carrying my games in hand. I had Scrabble, Monopoly, and a card game called Fluxx, which I'd found as I was cleaning my room. When we arrived, I was immediately relieved - the awkwardness was gone. There was easy conversation between us all, me, Ricardo, Edith, and Nicole. Then we decided to play Fluxx because they'd never heard of it before, and it's a pretty fun game. The rules and objective are always changing in the game, so it's unpredictable as to who will win. It was also the starting point for many a pun and joke. Things got pretty silly at times. Eventually, we all got tired of playing, and went downstairs to the kitchen, where we made toast with this chocolate-hazelnut spread on it, which I then put whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top of. My creation was accepted immediately, and soon everyone was making one. Then Ricardo mixed chocolate with milk and whipped cream, and then sprayed whipped cream directly into his mouth. The whole time, we were all giggling and cracking jokes like little children.

Funny thing: when you give Ricardo too much sugar, he starts to laugh at EVERYTHING. It doesn't even have to be funny, and he'll be there, tossing his head back in uncontrollable laughter. He was sugar high and trying to tell us about this episode of a comedy he saw online, and we couldn't understand what he was saying because he would laugh between every word. Once, he left the room, and me and Edith were sitting there laughing and commenting on how crazy Ricardo was sugar high, and then waltzes back into the room and boldly says: "Let me guess what you guys were talking about: you were asking how me and her met, right?" (me and Ricardo). I said, "No, we were just laughing at how hilarious you are when you've had too much sugar." He then proceeded to laugh some more - laughing at the fact that he laughs too much. And, sitting there on the couch, laughing like he was with this hilarious expression on his face, I swear, he looked like he was high on more than sugar. Once he said a single word to himself, and started laughing at that, and me and Edith could not figure out what was so funny. Certainly, HE was funny. And then, when it came time to leave, Edith was stumbling up the stairs while laughing at Ricardo, and I commented: "He's high and you're drunk." A new bought of laughter ensued. We were all hissing with laughter, trying not to laugh too loudly because people were sleeping.

... Who needs drugs when you've got sugar?? I was laughing so hard and long that my cheeks started aching.

Good, good night. I haven't laughed like that in forever. In the future, if I ever want entertainment, I'll just give Ricardo some sugar.

Anyways, I'm very happy to have such a good friend this year, and to have met Edith and Nicole, this time in a less weird instance. They seem like really nice people who know how to have fun. We exchanged phone numbers as well, so perhaps they'll want to hang out sometime.

And, wow, it's 4 am already! How did that happen? One moment, it's two, the next it's four! Damn. Time flies. No wonder I'm yawning...

10/26

Today, I spent my morning inside, trying to finish up my short story. I ended up just modifying an old one and submitting that because I honestly don't have the time to think up a new story, and I'm really, really not very inspired right now. It's hard to be creative when you're stuck doing so much other reading. But I did my story, and I think it'll get some good reviews. Funny, I used to think that was a bad story, but when I read it now, I think it's pretty damn good. It'll be easy to expand with later, too.

The rest of the day I spent with Kim and Imani. We went to the dining hall, then I went to Safeway with Kim, then watched Men in Black II with them both, and went to the dining hall again. Kim was being crazy today and had started narrating everything that was happening, musical-style. She would make up a verse and sing it, off-tune, for every little thing that happened. "We are waiting for Patrick Perez! That's what I says!" she would sing in a sing-song voice, and then "Now we are going down the stairs, the stairs, the stairs! For a dinner late at College 8!" This was complete with dancing. I couldn't decide if it was funny or annoying.

And then as I was putting together my costume, Ricardo came over to get the bra, and he commented on the dress I was wearing: "Why are you wearing that?" I shrugged and joked: "I didn't feel like putting on pants." "Oh... it just looks so formal. Any reason for wearing it..?" "No, I just felt like it. It's comfortable." "Ah... okay." He didn't stay long because he needed to study, but he did examine my collection of books. He hugged me goodbye, and left. The whole time, Imani was in the living room, and I thought for sure that he would comment or ask me about how things are going with Ricardo, and then I would have to explain to him that I'm pretty sure he's gay... which is kind of awkward because I know Imani's response would be either disbelief or pity, neither of which I really need. But he didn't say anything, so I just finished my costume in peace.

10/28

Last night, I only got 2 hours of sleep, as I was writing my essay. I woke up, when to class, turned my paper in, slept through class, then decided not to go to kayaking, went home and slept for a good 5 hours. It was worth skipping kayaking. I probably would've fallen asleep on the kayak, been rolled by a wave, and drowned, I was that tired.

Now I am refreshed enough to go on a jog. And tomorrow, I'll probably go to the gym. I haven't been doing any physical exercise at all lately, no thanks to my sleep deprivation and massive amounts of homework. So I feel rather gross. I've been dying to find a little extra time to get out and hit the gym, but it hasn't happened so far.

Fortunately, I am now done with my major assignments, so I can go tomorrow. And I'm ready for the weekend as well - it's going to be a crazy one!

 

Today - today today today!!! I'm super hyper, super happy, and I can't seem to shut up, so brace yourself.

This happiness stems from a simple full night of sleep (9 hours), and possibly from the fact that I no longer like anyone and thus, no longer have anything to worry about, and feel FREE!!! Free to be me! I don't have to love anyone anymore, so I can go back to loving the world and loving myself! That one full night of sleep worked wonders for me, it really, really did. It was magical. Previously, I only got four hours of sleep... and the night before that, only 5... and the night before that, only 5 again... and all that sleep deprivation added up, so that on Wednesday, I was so tired that I felt physically sick. My limbs were shaking in exhaustion, and as I was walking, I felt like it was a real possibility that I might fall asleep while walking, hit my head, get a concussion, and die in my sleep. By the end of the day, I'd managed to make it through, but I felt all feverish and achy, and my head hurt. I thought, great: tired, hungry, cold, hormonal, AND sick. When my class ended for the night at 9, I went to the dining hall, ate, then went directly home, got ready for bed, and went to sleep. I didn't do any reading, but I felt like the sleep was much more important. And indeed, IT WAS.

I woke up, refreshed, NOT sick, and ready to face my day. I had considered skipping class to sleep more, but ended up deciding to go at the last minute - I ran there, but I arrived in timely fashion. I also considered skipping kayaking, just because it's physically exhausting and I was tired, still. But I went. I thought I would regret it because the swells were supposed to be huge - more 8 footers, with a wide period, the nasty kind - but it turns out that the waves were more choppy, and they hadn't yet turned into the huge wages they had threatened to become. We paddled into the fog, saw 4 otters - two were snuggling, so cute! - and then came back to the harbor, just as the waves were beginning to get big. We sat at the mouth of the harbor for a while watching the waves break by the jetty. A couple of guys had driven their van out to check on the lighthouse, but it wasn't such a good idea - the bigger waves hit the jetty, and the water jettisoned up in a wash of spray, all the way over to crash into the men and their van. They weren't expecting it, and we watched in amusement as they tried to hide behind the lighthouse so as not to get soaked again. Meanwhile, their car was periodically engulfed by the water splashing over the rocks. Then the men ran to their car and drove away. Later, we saw them laughing about it, and wringing out their clothes. Then we had a little fun on the way back by taking a sneaky route through the harbor. Our instructor told us: explore. Find all the sneaky little canals, try and use some of the catamarans as tunnels, look at the birds... And indeed, we did all those things. Although, we weren't expecting the bird we found to be so aggressive - instead of flying away or diving under the water, it swam towards Alisha and snapped at her from the water!

Then I had work - it turned out to be slow, so I had less work. And after Jasmine arrived, I had a good time, especially when we turned up the music and started dancing in the back room. This is when the first wave of hyper happiness hit. Maybe it had to do with the mocha I made myself... maybe not. I have a feeling, though, that it was just the combination of everything - the sheer relief or having slept, and knowing where I stand, and having a lot of work, but not worrying about it, and just dancing to the music. So I was really happy when I got off work. I went to my last class, a film showing of The Godfather. It was good. I danced my way home, only to find Kim going to the dining hall - I went with her, chatting a little too much because of my hyperness, saying whatever came to mind, and just being ridiculous. On the way home, my happiness was contagious, and me and Kim ended up singing "Penny Lane" (The Beatles) and skipping/dancing musical-style all the way home. We met with Imani at the bus stop, and he joined in. We got home, and I immediately left again, having decided to continue dancing around campus. I did so, happy and carefree and still really hyper. I had the urge to text people whatever popped into my head: "I smell purple!" or "It's a nice night!" or "I hear the owl!"

By the time I got home, I not only was still very happy, but I had decided what to write about for my short story for creative writing. I was listening to "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers (I think?), and thinking about it, and how Imani had told me "You could write about love" and I had said, "You mean, how it sucks?" But then the idea stuck a bit, and since that's whats current in my life, it would be easy to write. On my dance, I solidified the idea, and, upon reaching my decision, ran the rest of the way home so as to write it down immediately so as not to forget. My story will be (tentatively) the story of me (disguised as "a girl") and Kevin and Ricardo. Only, since it's a story, I will exaggerate some things, and simplify others, and keep the names ambiguous, and shorten the time frame. The first change: not only will the girl actually have a relationship with the "Kevin" figure, but "Kevin" will go crazy in a different, more aggressive way, and harm the girl in some way. She will try to stay away from him and become kind of lost and hurt and struggle to heal. This is when the "Ricardo" figure will step in - he'll be the unexpected friend who helps her to overcome the pain and begin to trust people again, as well as help her to open up, herself. Just when she is starting to open up and trust again, she realizes that she has come to love him, and, when the time is right, she makes a move that shows her emotions for him... which he then kindly rejects, for he is "just a friend". She'll be hurt again a bit... but then she'll come to the realization on her own that she's better than that, and she'll realize that she's fine just being single. "Ricardo" will call, and she'll tell him that she's okay, but just needs a little time on her own... then she'll go out dancing, much like I did this very night, and be very happy with herself and think that everything will be okay now. And just as she's dancing, three figures come up behind her - she doesn't see them coming, she goes down, and the story ends with her recognizing some detail - perhaps a certain smell or a piece of fabric? - that identifies the "Kevin" figure right before she blacks out (I'm leaving the ending ambiguous, as well).

I just like the idea of innocence, and being oneself... but still getting screwed over by the world, anyway. It makes a good story. It makes good food for thought. It'll be a good story. If you hadn't noticed, I like to include a little bit of a dark theme in my stories... I don't know why. Seems more real than saying: "And she walked off into the sunset with Ricardo and lived happily ever after..." And, after all, that's what really happened in the end - I didn't get the guy. I also didn't get attacked, but... *shrug*... I just added that to give closure to the story and to make a point.

... what do you think?

,,,

"One Headlight" - The Wallflowers

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

[Chorus:]
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

[chorus]

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

[chorus]


 

I've just been reading and reading and reading, and writing and writing and writing. I find it hard to believe that the day went by so fast. I would've thought that it would've gone slowly, since I woke up at 8am, but it seems to be on fast forward, and now night has already fallen. I woke up early today to write a 5-page essay that was due today at 12:30pm. I've come to know exactly how much time I need to write an essay, for I managed to finish my essay with only 15 minutes to spare. I wasn't stressed about running out of time at all - I know how long it takes to write on a topic such as this one, and I'm fairly confident in my essay-writing abilities, so I was able to get it out there and printed right on time, and feel pretty happy about the result.

Unfortunately, in my essay-writing splurge, I totally forgot about my other readings. As a result, I am now behind on my reading, and still have to read 2 plays, an essay, a book of theory, and 2 short stories by Wednesday. I also need to start my short story writing, for once the weekend arrives, I won't have much time to brainstorm. This weekend, there's a friends overnight beach birthday party, and I'm going shopping with Silvia on Saturday. That only leaves Sunday to write my next 5-7 page essay and my 5-7 page short story, as well as whatever other homework I'll have acquired by then. It's a busy week, and I'm behind, and I don't like being behind. I'm not stressed, I just would prefer to have it all done already so that I can relax a little more and have a little fun.

But as for today, I've been reading all day, and think I deserve a break before I go insane with physical restlessness. So I shall go on a run, assuming that it's not raining (the rainy season is officially here). Reading, reading, reading, and running, running, running... by the end of this quarter, I'll have been put through both mental and physical boot-camp. I can't wait to see the results of that. It's always awesome when you come to the end of another month and realize how much you've improved. Just imagine a whole quarter... reading, running, reading, running... I'll be an expert reader, and I'll have calves of steel. As it is, my upper body is growing more and more muscled to the point where the lines on my back are well-defined, I can see my biceps when I flex them, and I can actually see the beginnings of a set of visible abs. I like to put my hands on my hips, or across my back, and just feel the flexing of the muscles and bones as I twist. That's something I wasn't able to do last year. It's very exciting to me.

But anyway... the night is running short. I must seize it while I can! What's the expression? Carpe diem? Only, mine would be "seize the night".
 

Today was a pretty nice day: the afternoon was beautiful. It was sunny, with large fluffy clouds floating overhead, and those clouds, so innocent-looking at first, actually started to drizzle water on my head as I was walking back from the gym today. At first, I thought maybe it had just been a bird dropping... I never would've expected those whispy, weak-looking things to be capable of rain. But I felt more drops, and, sure enough, it was sprinkling. When I got home, it started raining at a moderate pace, and I had to run out onto our balcony to watch the rain fall, for rain in the sunlight is not something you see very often. But the suns rays were coming in from the side and underneath the high clouds, and the blue sky was shining through the whisps above. I looked up and searched, trying to find the cloud that was the cause of the wetness, but the clouds ahead were so thin, with blue peeking through, that it couldn't have been them. Perhaps the wind blew the rain over to us. Nevertheless, it was really beautiful and fulfilling to just stand out there and was the rain fall as the sun lit up the shining branches. And then the familiar smell of ozone drifted up from the newly damp soil, and I breathed in my favorite scent, utterly at peace. The sky was so beautiful, patchy clouds and blue sky and sunny rain... I badly wanted to run outside with a camera and take pictures. But I opted for just relaxing and enjoying it as an experience.

Today I felt like I was at some kind of summer camp, like the ones I'm most fond of from my memories of childhood. First off, my apartment has the air of a cabin about it, surrounded by the woods, isolated, beautiful. The rain just made it even more so. And then my apartment-mates were both home today, and I was enjoying a nice time lounging peacefully in the living room with them, fresh air coming in through the open balcony door, sunlight, rain, a pleasant physical exhaustion and cleanliness... it was refreshing. The only thing it was missing was for me to go and have a long, restful, dream-filled sleep, like the one you described. That would have made it perfect.

As it was, Kim made homemade chiles rellenos, and while she was cooking these homemade delicacies, me, her, Imani, and Imani's study partner/friend Maria had a long, long discussion about physical attraction. Kim and Maria had said that they were shallow in the way they chose their men because, they said, if the man in question wasn't physically attractive then that was it - they wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't good-looking. Imani was concerned about this. He said, how is a guy like me supposed to get a girl if they all reject men they don't find good-looking? It made him more worried about his looks. Meanwhile I voiced my own view on the subject: I didn't do it that way. In fact, I'm just the opposite: I don't even take looks into consideration. The girls were very skeptical of this and asked, "So when you met what's his name - Ricardo? - you didn't find him attractive?" I said, no. I had originally met him in dance class, and had noticed him because of the carefree way he danced - I had liked that he was able to dance like that without being embarrassed. Looks had nothing to do with it. And they still don't. I'm largely indifferent about the way people look.

This argument went on for at least two hours. We were all enjoying it despite it getting a bit heated at times. Several times, Imani and Maria would raise their voices, trying to make a point while the other tried to contradict what the other was saying. Kim, meanwhile, cooked, and occasionally nodded and added a comment or two. I sat there and listened: I thought all of it was extremely interesting. And then I posed possibly the most important question to Maria: "If a guy had everything you look for in a guy - everything you wanted - EXCEPT for looks, would you have a relationship with him?" She said no. But my question opened up a whole new line of thought, and eventually Kim and Maria conceded that sometimes the attraction wasn't all sexual. They said, you can grow to be sexually attracted to someone after you get to know them. And they also said that it was also more of mannerisms that made a person attractive: how confident they acted in themselves. I was happy - my question had the desired effect of making them think and change their minds a little, to see how one might come to love someone without them being physically attractive, initially.

It was a good, good night. I love discussions like that. I like seeing how other people see the world.
 

I do feel uncomfortable associating with Kevin, but not because of what happened last week with the mistake text. It's not the fact that he knows I think he's awkward that makes me uncomfortable, it's just... well... he is awkward, and I find it very awkward to be around him. I never know what to say because he doesn't say much. He just kind of stands there and watches me... or, at least, he did today. I was grocery shopping when I got a text from him, wanting to hang out. When I got back from the store, he came over to help me bake (I told him, that's what I was going to be doing) some pumpkin bread. Before he got here, I finally put up this year's quote wall - I went with white lettering on black paper, hand-written, this time. What with the art and the quotes and the blue jay feather I found and my new moon calendar, I think my room has finally reached the height of its decoration. I showed Kim my wall, and she then insisted that I put up the quote "Shit happens." I made this quote, and we had just decided that the perfect place to put it would be in the bathroom, when Kevin arrived. So the first thing he saw when he walked in was me holding a sign that says "Shit happens." Indeed.

Then we had to go on a short scavenger hunt to find another baking pan. I knocked on every door in the building, and finally, the last apartment I knocked on had one for me to use. Then we went back, and started baking. Kevin did his stand-in-the-corner-and-watch-me-silently thing, which I was uncomfortable with, so I started assigning him tasks. "Wanna get the flour?" "Measure out some oil for me, will you?" Occasionally, he would comment on my music, which was playing on random in the background. I welcomed these breaks in the silences with much gratification. Once we got the mixture in the pans and into the oven, we had an hour to kill. Kevin asked if we could play games... I said yes, go for it, but didn't play myself. I really don't like video games. If it's not Tetris or DDR, then it's not for me. So I watched Kevin play The Matrix on Xbox, trying to relax on the couch (the moment Kevin got there, my hands started shaking for some reason, and I was just really on edge). To make conversation, I told him about my night last night, and the crazy creep that kept stealing everything. Unfortunately, he didn't have any stories to tell me in return - "My life's pretty boring" - so I just had to sit there. I told him I had to write a short story, but had major writer's block - he suggested that I could write about someone with schizophrenia. Then commenced a strange discussion of last spring. I told him about the creepy muttering and laughing to himself, which he didn't remember having done. He said something about hearing voices, but didn't want to elaborate, so the discussion was dropped. Awkwardness abounded. I checked the bread. It was done. It was 7:30 and Kevin had to leave. I walked to the door, said goodbye, and closed the door behind him.

I really hope Kevin's knowledge of me talking about him to Mary doesn't make him think that I like him and think about him all the time. Because truly, I don't like him anymore. The feeling's well gone. What's left is awkward and strange, a kind of acknowledgement of and respect for one another which somewhat but doesn't quite amount to a friendship. It's just weird. While spending time with him isn't torture, it isn't my favorite thing, either. It's about on the same level as if I had spent my evening alone - not wholly unpleasant, but lacking something, all the same.
 

Tonight was an interesting night. It started with me getting ready for the dance. I passed the extra time by reading, then at 8:45, called Ricardo. He didn't answer. I didn't want to get off the couch. But then... I heard music streaming through the woods and through the window. A band called "The King Kraken" was playing at Kresge tonight. This badn is interesting to me because, besides having good music, the saxophonist is my old roommate's ex and one of the singers is my coworker, Kaylah. So I decided to go and watch them play until either 1) Ricardo called me back or 2) the band ended their performance. Either way, I was going to the dance. But obviously, I'd prefer to go with Ricardo. Turns out, I didn't have to choose: Ricardo called just as the band was ending - he had been at an event at Merrill and was already at the dance. So i just met him there.

When I walked through the doors, the first person I saw who I knew was Sydney. I haven't spoken to Sydney in ages, mostly because she ignores me. But I went over and said hi anyway. Apparently, she was working - guarding the doors. She seemed surly about something. But then, she's turned into one of those people who kind of complains about everything. But she didn't say much to me, and didn't seem too thrilled to see me either, so I just left and went in search of Ricardo. He waved me down from the middle of the crowd, so I pushed my way through. His Porter friends were there with him, the ones I'd met when we went apartment-hopping last week. This dance was interesting because it had balloons all over the floor, and people were kicking them up and punching them into the air over the dancing mob. But other than the balloons, it kind of sucked. The music was the usual sucky hip-hop, and not very dance-able, and I was stuck in the middle of the crowd - I hate dancing in the middle of the crowd. I like to move when I dance. So I didn't do much dancing. Ricardo got bored with it quickly, as well, and eventually just went to sit in a chair. I got bored with his sitting in a chair, and left to the other side of the room, where I found an abandoned corner with lots of balloons on the floor. I absentmindedly picked up balloons and threw them into the crowd, half-dancing, half-wondering what to do. I don't like it when I know people aren't having fun. So then I grabbed a balloon, threaded through the crowd, found Ricardo in his chair and bounced the ballon on his head. "Come play toss with me." He kind of smiled and rolled his eyes and then followed me back to the corner. We tossed the balloon back and forth, punching, kicking, tapping, sometimes to the beat of the music, sometimes just running after it. Eventually Ricardo put up two fingers, then picked up a second balloon to add to the mix - a challenge.

After a while, we were both dripping sweat and tired, so we went and got some water. Ricardo found another friend. Meanwhile, the music was getting better, and I was getting impatient waiting for Ricardo, so I simply left and went back to my corner. There, I danced, totally separate from the main crowd. I danced as if I was in the room alone. When i got tired, I went to look for Ricardo, but couldn't find him. I wondered, did he leave? I didn't know, so I just went back to my corner to dance some more, kind of bummed, thinking that he'd left. But later I heard a voice ask, "Why don't you dance with the rest of the people?" Ricardo had come over to my corner. His friend was behind him dancing, and he went over to her. Since they were on the edge of the crowd, I decided to join them. We danced the rest of the night. Towards the end, some more of Ricardo's friends came, people who I'd met before but didn't know... and still don't really know. But eventually, it ended.

We all went back towards West Campus, and then decided to have pasta. I went to my apartment and got my pasta, and then we went to the JK buildings at Kresge. It's true what is said about these buildings: they look like insane asylums. They're so white and claustrophobic, and the apartments were just one small square. I'm glad I live in Kresge East - those apartments have a miserable feel to them. But anyway, we had brought the pasta on the condition that his friend had sauce... BUT, he did NOT have sauce. Nor did he have cups... or a second pot... or a strainer. His excuse was that a "creep" stole the strainer. To his credit, he did go upstairs and find some sauce from a friend. But it was pretty pathetic in there - you could tell, the guys who lived there did not cook much.

What followed was craziness. It took an hour to make the pasta because of our lack of strainer (Edith, Ricardo's Porter friend, had to go get one from her apartment) and other various problems. I was cooking, and Ricardo was sitting there with his head in his hands saying that we should've stayed at my place. But it ended up being a pretty hilarious time, anyway. The creep was blamed for many things - including the windows being closed - and many ridiculous things were said. This was in part because three of the guys there were drunk. Then, all of a sudden, there was a sound like a gunshot from outside, and, at that moment, the cable went out and the TV turned to static. It was immediately blamed on this elusive creep. It was also said that "bambi's dead". Or, "it's just those crazy Porter crack-heads messing around in the woods." After the TV went out, we were all laughing and thinking of what might have happened when I remembered something Ricardo had told me: that he'd once acted in stead of a TV at his Porter friends' place. So I suggested, "Ricardo - be the TV." It was a jest, but he took it seriously and actually went up and did it. He was bad at it, but hilariously so, and despite being bad, he was no reservations about it at all. First, he was channel zero - for which he did a kind of dance and sang a song from Hercules?? After that, Fox News channel was suggested. He did a news report on the creep that was loose on campus, and then "interviewed" his friend as a witness, who jokingly decribed the creep as "About 6 ft tall, Brazilian, a medium-short fro, wearing a children's book character T-shirt." Which, of course, is a description of Ricardo. We all laughed.

The TV thing died down, we finally ate our pasta, and it was good. We, the four sober people, listened to the rantings of the three drunk people, and couldn't stop laughing. But it got late, and Ricardo was tired, so we left around 2:15am. While I was walking home, I found out that the creep who stole the cable was actually a full-blown power outtage in Kresge East. I stumbled through the dark, trying not to fall face first down the stairs, like I did previously. i succeeded in not dying, took a shower in the dark. My book light lasted just long enough for me to get in bed... and for the power to come back on. Hence, this missive.
 

It's not that I don't have ANY romantic feelings for Ricardo... the way my heart fluttered a little tonight proves that... but that I'm just confused right now. I'm not sure what I want or how I feel. All I know is that Ricardo is the best thing that's happened to me this year, and I'm SO glad that I got his number at the beginning of the year. He's the friend I've been waiting for. The friend that Katie was before she left. Just a great person to be with, to dance with, to spend time with. As long as I have him for a friend, I'm content to be single, as odd as that sounds.

Tonight: I spent the last three hours with Ricardo. It's almost 1 am, so yes, kind of late... but alas, that's all our schedules allow for. I met up with him around 9:30 when he texted me and asked if I wanted to get together. I was surprised, and said, Okay, what do you want to do? I was surprised even more when I got the response, Nothing in particular. Pleasantly surprised. I like doing nothing in particular, in case you hadn't noticed. I like general things. Like hanging out or walking or some-such activity that allows for flexibility. I got his reply and left to meet him at the Porter Squiggle (a statue shaped like a squiggle). As it turns out, he had been having a really bad day, beginning with a meet-and-greet event at the queer center (yes, there's that queer center again), wherein he met someone whom he instantly hated, who had such a negative attitude and aura about him that the bad vibes had spread to Ricardo (obviously). And then he told me about this really nasty class he has, Legal Studies, which he hates and is worried about because it's a lot of reading and memorizing material which he doesn't like. He was really depressed about having to be stuck in that class. And then he apparently spontaneously joined in the naked run last night, and was feeling off as a kind of aftermath of 1) having ran all over campus, and 2) having to go back to the regular boring campus. He explained that all his friends had lately taken up studying more, and thus didn't want to do anything with him (kind of like my friends), and that there was a lack of fun activities on campus in general. Overall, I'd say he was just really bummed and having a low day and a bad start to the year.

I was glad that he'd called me. THAT is the sign of a true friend. That he trusts me enough to tell me his problems and ask me for advice and just talk it out. There is no more doubt for me - Ricardo is a very good friend. And he obviously feels somewhat the same, or he wouldn't have told me any of this. It's been much too long since I've been someone's shoulder to cry on... or, in this case, to rant on. But they amount to the same thing: a general feeling of discontent and unhappiness.

Fortunately, after he was through ranting, I was able to cheer him up somewhat. I helped him with his bad class by suggesting (just in time, too) that he change the grading system to pass/no pass, so he wouldn't have to worry about it so much. He accepted this advice with relief, and since today is the last day to change it, it's fortunate that I thought of it for him. I also answered some of his questions about how to read, since, he says, he is a bad reader and has trouble sorting through that volume of material in the allotted time. I read a lot, so I was able to give him a few pointers. But I'm getting ahead of myself... before all this, I helped him to forget his troubles with friends/that awful guy, first by listening and relating to him, and then by telling him that he should just not worry about it so much. I told him, Do what I do: take a walk. Do what I do: find your own fun. And then we did just that: we decided to go on a quest to find banana slugs since Ricardo had not yet seen one despite being here a whole year. So I took him up to Science Hill and Kerr Hall, since that's where I'd seen them (in fact, I saw one there earlier this same day), the entire time talking about friends and what made good friends and what made bad friends, and our various social tendencies - him, outgoing, and me, a little more reserved. There was one point we came to that was particularly enlightening, and that was that we both had found that we like individual interaction more than group interaction. We'd both been friends with groups - for instance, I call my friends by a collective name, the Crown people, and he calls his the Merrill people. He noticed at my party that the Crown people were a very closely knit group and that they tended to leave everyone else out of their circle, including me. I'd already come to this conclusion, but to have an outsider's perspective was refreshing and solidified my conclusions. Then we took that thought further by saying that we both found that the best friends were people who were part of a group, but who still acted as individuals, and were willing to approach you individually, outside of the group. Which is VERY true. Mary is the very embodiment of this kind of friend to me.

And the conversation continued in this manner. He showed me a bell that I'd never noticed before as we walked. We didn't find a banana slug, despite all our efforts. But we had an interesting discussion about our bodies (stemming from the phrase "freshman 15" and how, at our school, instead of gaining 15 pounds, you actually lose 15 pounds), and indeed, Ricardo is very skinny. He even remarked to me that I didn't look like I was in good shape - such honesty is refreshing, truly - and I immediately explained, Oh, but I AM in good shape. I just don't look it because that's my body type - curvy. But anyway, we went back to his place so he could change the grading for his class before midnight, and ended up looking up online the requirements for a Sociology major, since we're both interested in it. We got to talking about the difference between Socy and Psych, and then weighed the options we both had for classes. It seems very likely that we'll both be in the same Socy class next quarter. And, if he decides to pursue a major as well, it's very likely that we'll be in many of the same classes, since we both seem to be in parallel positions as far as requirements go. We both expressed excitement at this prospect. After that, we discussed some of the issues in Socy - social constructions, institutions, gender - and were still talking about it as he showed me out. It was a struggle to end the conversation, but we finally did. I hugged him and left. On the way back, I searched for a banana slug, thinking, Wouldn't it be hilarious if I found one?

 

Yesterday, it was storming so hard outside that my kayaking class was cancelled. I, however, didn't know this, and stood outside waiting for my ride for an hour before giving up. By the end of that hour, my umbrella had been inverted and mangled by the wind, and my lower half - the half that wasn't covered in my rain jacket - was soaked through, including my shoes. The wind was blowing so hard that it came in sideways, and later caused a power outtage. The rain was heavy and unrelenting for the large majority of the day. I went home, took a hot shower, got into my dry pajamas, cuddled up in bed, and lounged all day. Half of my lounging I spent sleeping. The other half, I watched online episodes of How I Met Your Mother. It was a very nice day. It was also the day of the official First Rain (there was an unofficial one the day before because the freshman got too excited after only ten minutes of rain). And so commenced the parade of screaming, running naked people. Me and Patrick ran into them on the way back from the dining hall, and watched them all go by. Patrick was markedly more excited than I. He liked the naked men. A lot. lol.

Today, I am having my friend Silvia over for dinner - I'm making pasta. I was going to make scones, but alas! I am out of milk. *sadness*

You'll never guess what came in the mail today: more chocolate!!! As if I didn't already have seven pounds of it from my dad! But THIS chocolate was different... THIS chocolate had me all over it. Literally. My aunt ordered me some customized M&Ms, and they have miniature images of my face on them! To let her know that I got them, I sent her a message: "EAT ME *shoves M&Ms in Lori's face*" Hahaha. Eat me. Funny. Imani thought they were awesome, anyway. Myself, I'm still in WTF? mode... I'm supposed to eat myself?!? But it WAS a unique gift, and it brought much amusement. Aunt Lori always gives the best gifts. I remember as a small child being SO excited whenever Lori came over because she always had something interesting to give me. For a while, the tradition was candy necklaces and cowgirl boots... man, did I love those boots!

I also got a very large box from my mom - which I then had to carry all the way to my apartment. My arms were screaming. But I got the boxes there okay. In my mom's box was Scrabble and Monopoly (I'd asked for games); my hat that I'd left at home which I need for kayaking; and two HUGE, incredibly cushy pillows, the kind where your whole body just sinks into them and is engulfed in comfort. I swear, I'll never be able to wake up again.

 

This year, I had a much warmer welcome on my birthday than I did last year - even though I was super busy and working all day, it was still an excellent day, mostly because some people actually care this year (or seem like they do). Kim was sneaky on me and made me a banner that she put up in the living room, saying "Happy Birthday Katie - Can you dance? lol" on it. The second part is an inside joke from the previous night, when we (me, Imani, and Kim) were in the living room late at night discussing our "Men", and I mentioned that one of the best things about Ricardo is that he can dance. Which led us to the music video of the "Safety Dance", wherein the lyrics say: "If your friends don't dance then they ain't no friends of mine". Last night was an excellent night - I really like it when Kim and Imani are both there. We have some really good conversations. Kim was telling us about her Love, Cameron, and how he hadn't realized yet that he wanted to marry her, and telling us crazy stories about her men joking around. And then we were all talking about our experiences with dating, relationships, etc. and I told them about Kevin (without explicitly using his name) and (blushing) Ricardo. Imani was asking why me and Kim didn't just tell people that we liked them, and we were all "It's complicated". I guess Imani doesn't have such reservations... it's interesting.

As far as the rest of my day goes, I saw my new friend Heather after my morning class and told her it was my birthday, and she spontaneously gave me a birthday present from her pocket - a little red reflector thing, like you would find on a bike, that she had found that morning. That's what I like about Heather. She can improvise and banter, just like I love to do. We understand each other, me and Heather. I haven't really hung out at all with her yet - I attended a fiction reading and sat next to her and we exchanged comments and chatted, but that was about it. We hope to meet in the future and get to know each other better... though, the friendship is already coming naturally, so I'm very happy about that.

Next, I told my kayaking car-ride people, and invited them to my party. Chelsea might come. Tatiana wanted to, but has work. I like Chelsea and Tatiana. They're good people, too. In kayaking today, we did rescuing - AKA: purposefully tipping over into ice-cold ocean water and trying to get back in. It was freezing, but after a while, we got used to it, and it was pretty fun. At least we weren't paddling all day - that would have been tiring.

Next I had work - a dish-washing shift. Now, it's not like I go around telling EVERYONE that it's my birthday - I'm humble about it - but at work, there was no choice. There's this fiery old woman who works there named Anne, and the moment she heard it was my birthday, she was determined to tell EVERYONE, and insisted that they wish me a happy birthday. She was even trying to convince me that I should take something for free - "You deserve something!" - and I didn't really want anything. And, this week, Jasmine, my favortie co-worker, was there, and it was good to have her there - we both enjoy working with each other. She arrived and saw me and immediately said, "Yay - you're here! I missed you!" I missed her too. We both have a similar work ethic, and yet, we still have fun. We're a good team. Last year, all my shifts were with her. I'm glad I have at least ONE shift with her.

I got a package in the mail from my dad - a very LARGE package, 20 lbs, which I then had to lug down, around, and up a giant hill to my apartment... I was out of breath by the time I got there. I opened it up, and found no less than (I added it up) 7.7 pounds of chocolate. I said I wanted chocolate for my birthday... I didn't say that I wanted DEATH by chocolate!! So now I have every kind of chocolate I could want... milk, dark, mint, caramel, peanut butter, crunch bars, butterfingers, baby ruths... except that there aren't any with almonds. The rest of the package contained a rash guard for kayaking, some rubber bands for my braces (I was running low), Scrabble (I asked for games, and my dad gave me the one game that nobody ever plays with me...), and DDR. I'm excited about DDR because I know Ricardo has played it before and I can probably get Imani and them to play, too - they're usually up for anything. The only thing is, we'll have to take it to the lounge because this year I am on the second floor, and if I played, then the floor below us would think they were having an earthquake.

I had to go to a film showing for Drama class today, and it was a British ganster film, pretty old and pretty good - I'm glad, otherwise I would've fallen asleep. After the film, I went home, and I was just spending the night in the living room with Imani, Patrick, and Amy having the typical nightly deep discussions that I love from them. This night, the discussion was about drugs - it's Santa Cruz, this topic is inevitable - and there is some crazy stuff out there, man. Imani was telling us about this one drug (he hasn't done it, he's not that crazy) that has this chemical in it that supposedly is only ever released in your body just before you die (and in all living things that die), and is supposed to take you into the next dimension or something. Sounds CRAZY. Why you would want to do that, I have no idea. Drugs sound INSANE. Even just the usual ones sound scary (they were telling stories about paranoia while on drugs). I would never want to do them, I don't think. If I don't like alcohol, I sure as HELL ain't gonna like drugs.

At some point, though, Imani thought up the clever idea of having a DDR game night in the lounge - that sounds AWESOME. Now all we have to do is make it happen... haha. Imani was suggesting that we go play after my birthday party on saturday, but we'll see. Certainly, though, that would make a much better night than last Saturday, when I just followed Ricardo around awkwardly to strange apartments... Also, I'm kind of nervous now that I told Imani that I like Ricardo. They'll probably see each other on Saturday, and then things may be awkward. Not that Imani will tell him or anything... he just might give me looks and stuff like that. Kim, as well. That's the problem with telling people... XP

I have no idea how things are going to go on Saturday. At this point, it's a wild card. I have 6 comfirmed "yes's", one of which already cancelled. I have about 15 "maybe's". At this point, the only people who I'm fairly sure will actually show up are Silvia, Ricardo, Kim, Amy, Imani (though he'll be late) and Trinnie. The other people... who knows?? It's going to be a weird event. People from all different social groups of my life meeting... that's always strange. And I invited the Crown people, so it'll be interesting to see if they show up or not... I haven't seen any of them since the first few days of school. And I'm okay with that, too. But I know Kevin, Billy, and Lesley cancelled already because they're all going home for the weekend.

Who knows - maybe it'll rain, and then I'll just have a chocolate/DDR social!! Actually, that sounds way cooler than the beach... but too late now! It's supposed to rain next week, though, so perhaps the beach will get cancelled, after all. I actually think I would like that better. Except that then I wouldn't know how to contact everyone to tell them not to go... lol. You see now why I don't plan parties? 1) No one ever shows up. 2) Those who do show up are such an odd mixture that it tends to be awkward. 3) I'm a horrible host, being shy and more likely to follow than lead, so I'm never actually sure if what I've planned is fun. Birthday parties are just... *shakes head*... I dunno, some people can pull them off, but all of mine seem to flop. They're like social experiments, kind of. I swear, I could set this up like an experiment and write a paper about it in Sociology. It would make a really interesting paper.

Anyways, getting late.. time to sleep... and sleep in!!! :D

I've taken my life into my hands and decided not to read my Drama reading, and just catch up with it over the weekend... which is practically suicide, but whatever. I value sleep more. And I'm very, very tired.

So goodnight!





 

It has begun: my weekly long haul. The long haul in which I somehow read hundreds of pages in a matter of days while still attending all my classes and working, too. I just finished five pages of essay, which I wrote in 3 hours, trying to finish before midnight so I could print it, since my printer isn't working and the computer lab closes then. I JUST managed to finish it... only to come back and face the REST of my reading: a 25-page essay on liguistics; 4 chapters of Effi Briest; 2 short stories for Creative Writing; 2 MORE essays for Reading Drama...

UGHHH...

I want to go running, but I can't. I must read. Read. READ. But when? Already, I know I'm getting less than 6 hours of sleep tonight. I have no free time tomorrow until 9pm. If I read then, I'll end up staying up late again, which will result in another sleepless night... followed by another because the day after that is just as bad. It isn't until Friday morning that I have any free time. And that free time, all I want to do is sleep.

I was hoping to read ahead and thus, be able to sleep this week. However, I underestimated the sheer amount of reading I had, and was only able to read what I was supposed to for tomorrow. If I had wanted to read ahead, then I should've done my essays on Saturday, read on Saturday night instead of gone out, and read all day Sunday, as well. Then, this week, I could sleep inbetween bouts of class!

Gah, I have no life anymore. I have given my life to Lit theory. That is an awful, awful class. I hate it with a passion. Or, I would hate it with a passion, if I wasn't so tired.

My only consolation is that I have a free gap in Wednesday during which I know Ricardo is free, since he came over last week during that time, and we hung out and walked to class together. I plan to see if he would like to come over again during that gap and play frisbee - it'll be my reward. If he doesn't come, then I will simply pass out on my bed, and I will probably be just as happy.

Concerning Ricardo & I's board game idea: I'm not so sure the board game idea was that personal. It was more of a "let's try and get all our friends together and play games" night than a "I want to play games with you" night. At least, that's what I got out of it. Make no mistake, I would LOVE that kind of night... but I think Ricardo was thinking more on the lines of GROUP activities. And every time I suggest something, he always says "I prefer to do that with a group", I've noticed... for instance, I say: "I love to play frisbee", he says "I prefer to do that in a group", I say "I like to go to the beach", he says "I prefer to do that in a group", etc, etc. He's said it multiple times. Not that he doesn't enjoy my company or anything, just that he's not looking particularly for my company... more for a company in general.

I checked the forecast the other day, fearful that it would rain on my observed birthday, and it turns out that it's actually going to be quite warm, if the forecast is right. But I was actually kind of hoping that it WOULD rain... my back-up plan that I thought of was to have people cram into my living room and just have a movie-and-hot-chocolate night. That sounds SO good. I don't know how I would get everyone to my apartment, though... I'm a bad birthday planner. :{

Anyways, must go... I have chapters to read and minimal sleep to acquire.

 

I did end up going on a walk yesterday... and the moon!!! So beautiful! Just what I wanted to see! Of course, there wasn't anyone to see it with me, as usual... but I was glad anyway. I walked out on East Field, and at first I thought the moon wasn't up yet 'cause I couldn't see it... so I walked further out... and just as I was looking for a spot to wait for it to come up, I turned around... and WHAM! there it was!! I caught sight of it so suddenly out of the side of my vision, so big and bright and yellow hanging over the horizon, that it actually scared me! It was awesome!

I spent the most of the day yesterday and much of the night trying to catch up on my reading for class. When I wasn't reading, I was either eating or exercising. See, my method these days is to read one assignment, then reward myself by, say, going to the gym. In that context, the gym isn't work, like it usually is, but a nice shift from being trapped in my room with brain-heavy material. In this manner, I am productive on multiple levels, but still feel like I'm taking a break. So, I went to the gym, came back, read some more, then rewarded myself by going out to watch the full moon... then I ate with Patrick and Toro (Patrick's invitation to dinner had perfect timing!), came back and read, read, read some more. However, I did not succeed in reading as much as I wanted to - I was hoping to read ahead a little so that I wouldn't be so stressed out and would have more time to rest during the most hectic part of the week. So, hopefully I'll be able to make a dent in that work tonight...

Anyways, I've really got to go, I have an essay to write, a book to read, and several different essays, articles, and stories to read... curse these Lit classes! I should never take so many at once.
 

Today was simply a recovery day, to rest my mind and body. I went walking and made a bunch of phone calls to all my favorite far-away people (Mary, other Katie, my mom), and then sat around planning the night... I was hoping to get a few good friends together and go watch the full moon rise tonight on East Field. My planning was going well up until today, when everyone suddenly became busy studying. Imani had his study group over, and Patrick was downtown studying. Which left me with Ricardo, whom I invited just today. He said yes, and then also invited me to a midnight movie afterwards. It sounded all nice and romantic, and I was really excited for the night to fall... but, unfortunately, things don't always go as you plan. Ricardo came over, and while I waited for my computer to boot up (the internet is slow to work) to buy a ticket online (it was a popular movie), Ricardo made some soup in the kitchen. Since it is so cold outside, we decided then not to go to East Field - it probably wouldn't be much fun to sit out in the freezing cold wind. So that plan got cancelled. And then, once my computer started working, we found out that the Del Mar was already sold out of tickets to see the movie (Paranormal Activity - apparently, the scariest movie ever). So then we were left with nothing to do early on a Saturday night.

What followed was basically me following Ricardo around to his friends' apartments, where we sat and watched other people hanging out. It was extremely awkward for me, since I didn't know any of the people, and was pretty much sitting in strangers' living rooms. The Porter apartment wasn't too bad - the girls living there had made dinner and were just sitting down to eat it, and there wasn't enough room at the dining table for me and Ricardo, so we sat in the living room, which was cool for me because then I got to talk to Ricardo for a good while. But then the party moved into someone's room, and Ricardo followed, so I was stuck following him... and then the girls living there left for a sleep-over elsewhere, and we were left to ourselves again, outside with nothing to do. Then we went to an Oakes apartment, and this one was even more awkward for me because Ricardo didn't really introduce me properly, and I couldn't really say anything, so I just sat there until those people decided to go to bed and kicked us out, as well.

After the second apartment, Ricardo was all ready to go knock on a third door, but I had had enough, so I told him that I was just going to go back to my apartment. He, too, was getting tired of apartment- hopping, so we just hugged goodbye and I left. Overall, a very unsatisfying night. I think I would've been happier if we had just stayed in and hung out at my apartment talking... but Ricardo wanted to do something, so I went along. We did make a resolve, though, to figure out how to rent games from Kresge and have a game night on such dead nights like these. I know there's a place where you can get board games, but I don't know where it is, or the details of how it works... so I'll have to ask Kim when she gets back. Then me and Ricardo can hopefully make our own apartments more lively.

Anyway, there's not much else to say... I went home, found Patrick in the laundry room and talked to him and Imani for a little while, then watched The Matrix on TV. You know things are bad when I watch TV. Or rather, not bad, just sort of... in a funk. I guess I'll just have to go moon-watching by myself tomorrow, like I usually do, so I can get my fix of the romantic, and be happy.

 

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... This is the only thing one is easily capable of thinking about whilst one's calf muscle clenches, twists, and throbs with intense pain. Well, okay, that, and a long string of obscenities... which I won't repeat here.

Needless to say, I should've remembered to stretch after dancing for 3 hours straight... but alas, I did not, and now I am paying the consequences by walking around my apartment with a gimpy leg that has decided to retain some of the pain from the Charlie Horse in the form of soreness. Damn, I haven't had one of those in a long time! (Thankfully!) I usually remember to stretch...

BUT, it was a blast - I had a great time at the dance (though, I didn't know that it would cost $5) with Ricardo. This time, it was much easier to let loose and get creative with my moves, now that I'm more comfortable around Ricardo, and more familiar with his style of dancing. Once we got going, me and Ricardo were easily one of the most extreme, free-moving dancers on the dance floor. We both like to MOVE when we dance, so we had to go to the back of the dance floor, where there was sufficient space to do so without knocking into someone, or punching them with a flying fist. At first, the dance was slow - as usual, the party took a while to get started. "Sammy" the Slug was there (a guy in a slug costume - the mascot), hilariously grinding with all the girls who would let him. Ricardo even joked (warning: not a PG joke), saying "I know this is kind of a crude question to ask... but I wonder: what does Sammy's dick feel like?" I told him, I wouldn't know, and I hope I never find out.

Then Tatiana and some of Ricardo's other friend's arrived, and we danced with them for a while, Tatiana laughing at me and Ricardo's more out-there moves. Eventually there people got lost in the dance floor, and me and Ricardo retreated to the back to find some space. It was then that the music switched from the usual popular hip-hop/r&b to a rather refreshing set of funky dance, rock, jazz, and disco music. I loved the disco-esque music the most, for it allowed for the funnest moves. I tried to remember this "grapevine" stepping move from one of my summer camps eons ago, which led to a whole sequence of steps that me and Ricardo kept inventing. One song, the main lyrics were "now push... and pull...", so I followed the lyrics, and started pushing my body back with my hands, and then pulling myself forward to the music. Ricardo caught onto this and tried to syncronize himself with my motions so that we were pushing and pulling each other. When the music switched over to more of an electronic dance, there was one song where we both stuck our hands up in the air in front of us, and tried to mirror one another's hand movements, without touching - that was fun! And then the intense electronic dance had us both jumping and moving so widely and erratically that we took up a large portion of the dance floor. After two hours of this, we eventually tired out, and went to get water. We went out a door onto this outdoor little aclove, and stood out there relaxing and chatting for a while before realizing that it smelled like puke - and then hurrying back inside before we stepped in it.

After our break, things mellowed out a little bit. The music remained at a strange electronic rave-type genre, which was odd, but dance-able. I guess Ricardo was tired, though, because he wasn't dancing... he stood in the middle and watched people instead, occasionally throwing in a few small moves when the mood struck him. I kind of stood there swaying for a while before setting off on my own to dance some more at the edge of the platform. It was there that some girl approached me and danced with me for a minute before saying: "You should come up and dance in the front, on the stage!" I take this as a compliment, that she thought my dancing was that good, but I declined, telling her that I preferred the back - more space. She nodded and left - supposedly back to the front stage - and I continued dancing. It's true that I wanted more space to dance, but also, I didn't want to dance in the front because that's were a fairly large number of couples were all bunched together in a cluster, for all appearances (except for the fact that they were wearing clothes) having sex while dancing. In fact, it was really bizarre music, and the group of people having dance-sex were the only people there, and eventually me and Ricardo noticed this oddity and went to sit down. Finally we just left - there was only half an hour left anyway - and caught a bus back. On the bus was a group of people who must've been drunk or something because they were saying and doing the most ridiculous things ever. Then someone starts the "Oakes" cat-call (you say it really loud, deep in your throat, starting low, and then kind of bending it up at the end: O-o-o-a-k-es), and then everyone was doing it... and Ricardo, probably the only person actually from Oakes, just hung his head in his hands and gave me an exasperated look, which I returned. (Someone from Porter made up the "Oakes" call as a joke making fun of Oakes, and now everyone does it, apparently, at their leisure, for entertainment. If you ride any type of semi-full bus on campus, there is a good chance that you will hear the Oakes call.) I got off the bus at Kresge, wishing Ricardo luck with the drunk people - "I'll teach them the correct way to say 'Oakes'", he said - and warning him against the "Oakes" assault that would probably result from him saying something to the drunk people.

... When I got home, Imani and our friend Amy were in the living room watching "Higher Learning", an intense movie that touches on so many issues of racism, sexism, etc, that afterwards we all sat there on the couch for over an hour just having a discussion about the issues raised in the movie.

Kind of awkward: I later heard them having sex.

But anyway, getting late... it's 4am already, and I am ready to SLEEP! I can sleep in as much as I want tomorrow (today, hehe), so it doesn't matter that I'm up at such an hour. It was totally worth staying up to go dancing and to watch that movie and to have that deep discussion like I always do when Imani's around... totally worth waiting up for. I can't wait for next time...

Goodnight!
 

I am simply exhausted today. Not because I had a lot of work, but because I've been moving around pretty much since I woke up at 7am - the only "resting" I did was during two mentally challenging lectures: not exactly relaxing. I thought I would have trouble waking up today because of my hectic day yesterday, but I actually managed to get to bed at a decent time (considering that I was trying to read130 pages starting at 10pm) and get enough sleep so that I felt somewhat refreshed in the morning and able to wake up. But then my day just dragged on and on and on... first with a 2-hour early morning theory class, then with a 2-hour physically demanding kayaking class, then with a 4-hour dish-washing shift, and finally with a 2-hour intro to drama class. In between each, I had maybe half hour to an hour, most of which was spent walking from one thing to the next, or eating. Pretty much, I was on my feet or moving my body for a fairly large portion of the day, and now I can hardly stand, my feet and legs are so sore.

... and yet, I still plan to go to the dance with Ricardo tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I spent some time with Ricardo today, too! Totally unplanned and unexpected. Pretty much, I got out of my Lit. class and had about 45 minutes to kill before my ride came to go to kayaking. Just as I was sitting down by the bookstore parking lot to wait, I hear a voice say, "Oh hey - fancy seeing you here!" I look up and there's Ricardo. He was going to the bookstore to buy a book (obviously!). I said I was waiting for my ride, and he made to go to the bookstore, saying "I'm going to go get a book, but I'll come back...?" I shook my head and said, "Nah, I'll just come with you. I'm just sitting here, anyway." He got his book, we returned, and the next half hour was spent on a conversation about sleep deprivation (my current state), and various combinations of sugar/caffeine in the dining hall, including one concoction he made that was straight half and half and vanilla extract, or something like that, which he says tasted really good, but made him sick afterwards (I wonder why! ;)). We examined people's shirts, and compared social lives from last year, which then got extended into a discussion about whether or not I was antisocial or just shy, as a child. Then Tatiana arrived, and Ricardo said, "Oh - hi! I didn't know she was the one giving you a ride..." I said, "Remember at the dance, when I said, 'Hey, she's the one giving me a ride?'" "No, I was busy dancing, I guess..."

One of the people getting a ride from her was late, and we were parked there waiting for her. Ricardo lingered outside the car for a longer while than I thought he would before finally saying farewell and heading off home. Then the missing person arrived, and we set off. This kayaking expedition, we got lucky yet again, and there were dolphins. There were also sea lions swimming fairly close up, an otter kicking it wrapped up in a bed of kelp, jelly fish, regular fish, pelicans and other interesting birds (including the one that sounds like a cat)... and one person even said they saw a sting ray swim by! Talk about an interesting experience!

Then I had work... and then I had class... and just as I was getting home, and was ready to crash into my bed and never get up again, Kim came out and said "Wanna go to Safeway?" I didn't, really, but then I thought about it... going now would be better than going this weekend, AND Kim has a car. Much quicker, much less effort, much more space to buy heavier things. So I sighed and agreed. I now have everything I need to make some delicious pumpkin bread... EXCEPT for the pumpkin! Gah. Safeway was out of pumpkin - apparently, October is a popular pumpkin month (who'd have thought? ).

I have also discovered that when I am tired, but awake, I am prone to be really, really silly. For instance: English accents, large words, inverted sentences, wacky topics, random thoughts. Oh, and I say "oh boy" much to often. I even decided that tomorrow was my self-proclaimed pajama day... before remembering that I can't wear pajamas to work. I then proceeded to spend about an hour thinking over the options of what I should wear to tomorrow's dance, seeing as last time, the friction of my jeans against my thighs created a long-lasting after-pain. I considered pajamas, shorts, skirt, dress... Kim recommended the dress, but I say nay, I hesitate to wear the dress, for I am an extreme dancer, and it is a low-cut dress, and while it's got some pretty good, tight support, I really don't need to draw that much attention to my boobs. I played frisbee with Kevin in that dress, and even that little movement was awkward because all I could think about was how my boobs were bouncing around when I moved. If that happens for frisbee, just think of how it'll be for dancing...?!? Then again, my dress is cool and flexible and good-looking... but again, too much exposure. Then I considered pajamas - they are comfy, very easy to move in, no rigid parts to rub up against you... BUT, no pockets. Same for shorts - no pockets. Also, my running shorts are unattractive. Especially the black ones... they really bring out the whiteness of my legs. I joked with Kim: "Well, sorry Ricardo, you get to see me in my pajamas." I even considered calling Ricardo up and asking : "So... dress, jeans, pajamas, or shorts?" I swear, I have no shame.

I think the pajamas won. I really don't want to wear a dress. I'm surprised I even wore it that one time last week. It makes me feel like I'm trying too hard. Which is stupid because I'm not... I just like the dress... but I don't want OTHER people to think I'm trying too hard. Hehe. If you got it, flaunt it, right? No - not right. If you got it, make sure it's comfortable and NOT flying all over the place. That's my take.

... and I should probably stop now. I know I'm just procrastinating. I've been procrastinating ever since I got home. At the very least, I could just admit that I don't want to do the reading right now and go to bed - that's what I SHOULD do, since I'm so exhausted - but I'm not, instead I'm sitting here recounting every detail of the crazy day. *sigh*


 

Shhhh...I'm not supposed to be here.

I had a hunch that this schedule would be bad for me, and, what do ya know! It is. Three 8am - 9pm class/work days in a row? Definitely nasty. The first day wasn't so bad... in fact, it was rather enjoyable. It was enjoyable right up to the part where I realized that I had a shit-load of reading to do, and virtually no time to do it, and that I had to wake up at 7am the next morning. So, as a result, I only got 5 hours of sleep, went to work for four hours this morning, had 2 cafe mochas, went to class, came back and tried to nap... only to wake up to a text message less than an hour later. When I was jolted from sleep by my phone, I was literally shaking from exhaustion (I still kind of am), and moaned aloud. All I wanted to do was sleep.

... This changed, of course, when I saw who the text was from: Ricardo. It said: "do u mind if I cme over & visit u?" This was what I had been hoping for - not only did Ricardo call me of his own volition, but he wanted to come to me. YES!!! Hastily, I lifted the phone shakily to my ear and pressed the call button. I put on a cheery, semi-awake voice, and told him where to go, and then went out to meet him by the bus stop. We greeted each other with grins, and I showed him the way to my apartment... and then the inside of the apartment itself. He commented on my art, hanging on the wall (and then also commented on how easily I dismissed my work - I guess I'm too modest), and we sat in the living room and talked for a while. Apparently, he is a Roman historical fiction afficionado because when we got talking about books, he excitedly started telling me about Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar (which I have not yet read) and how in high school, in his spare time, he created a family tree for the Roman ruling family using Wikipedia (he admitted - and demonstrated - that's he's a Wikipedia addict). We both talked a bit about how we both used to read and write a lot, but it died down after senior year of high school, and how we were both trying to get back into it. And then we got in the topic of Kresge College myths, and he had to go look them up on Wikipedia to see if they might be true. The myth was that Kresge was named after the guy who founded K-Mart - and, sure enough, it was true!

Then we both had to go to class. Our classes were in the same direction, so we walked together. When we got to the Crown hill (out of the way, for him), he not only went up the hill with me, but walked me right to the door of my classroom, and then lingered for a while talking before finally giving me a hug and asking when he might see me again ("Friday, I guess, for the dance (thanks for telling me about that, by the way)?"). And then he left... and I had Creative Writing, at which we had the best guest-reader/speaker ever, Kip Fulbeck. I really want to read more of his work, but I don't have the time... maybe later.

Speaking of not having the time, I've over-done my stay on the internet - I'm suppose to be reading my Lit 101 theory book. So, until later...!