Ricardo called this morning after work - apparently he hadn't just been calling to say thanks last night, but he'd wanted to run an idea by me: he thought maybe that he could get a ride home with me and then stay the night at my house before going home to Pasadena the next day. That way he'd get to hang out with me and he wouldn't have to take the bus. I thought that this was a great idea, but unfortunately, I've already planned my trip home - my dad is coming on Friday of finals week and we're giving Silvia a ride home. I said, if he wanted to go on Friday we could probably fit another person, but he wanted to leave earlier, I guess, so it probably won't happen. Nevertheless, I was talking to him about winter break, and I said, perhaps I could take a day trip to Pasadena and visit you over break - I could bring my best friends and they could meet you and we could hang out. He seemed to very much like this idea, so it seems likely that it will happen. I will do what I can to make it happen. For one thing, Ricardo doesn't really have any friends at home anymore, and for another thing, Mary would probably want to meet him, and I have a feeling that Mary and Ricardo would like one another. And, you know, the more friends the better. So if I was excited to go home before, now I'm extra excited. Mary suggested that we go to the Huntington library and a museum... I don't know where any of these places are, but I figure that if she's recommending them, then they must be good.

Ricardo is so cute and romantic: "You don't have to be cold when I'm warm." How adorable. I swear, Ricardo is like my alternate self - if I was a guy, I would be him. Actually, it was kind of like listening to myself, if I had been more talkative when I liked Kevin. It makes me smile. Ricardo was telling me about how the guy he likes is always cold because he only has one thin jacket, and how Ricardo always wants to lend him his own jacket, since he's usually hot. The exact words he used were: "You don't have to be cold when I'm warm." I thought that was a really cute line, and I told him so. It's funny to watch him gush all romantically - he's not very subtle about it and just kind of overflows with emotion. Kind of like, yes, listening to a female friend talking about a guy she likes. But as I said, very, very similar to how I was before. Only, I think Ricardo is much more likely to actually get somewhere with it and say something to the guy. He is getting antsy about wanting to make a move but not knowing how, so I'm pretty sure he'll act soon.

Me and Patrick prepared our turkey tonight - it was a rather disgusting procedure, and I was laughing the whole time while Patrick stuck his arm up strange places and then went crazy with the antibacterial soap, saying that he's germophobic. He was on the phone with his mom trying to figure out how to gut the thing and which parts to take off and which parts to tie up and what to do with the leftover parts. Overall, a very disgustingly comical situation. And then we propped it up and spread its wings to make it look like it was flapping, and poked its fatty parts lovingly. But eventually we got it all done and put it in the fridge - tomorrow, it's going in the oven. We also managed to recruit more people for our thanksgiving dinner, so now our number is 4 - me, Patrick, my friend Edith, and Patrick's roommate. A nice little family.

Also nice is the fact that the building is now empty, so I can play as much DDR as I want without worrying about bothering the downstairs people. Also, I can dance around my apartment... and walk through the hallway naked... not that I go around naked all the time, but if I think I can get away with it, I will walk the hallways sans clothes. Kim herself admitted as much - there's just something about no one watching that tempts one to strip down to underwear and dance about the living room.

It is already very dead on campus - everyone is gone. It's so quiet that's it's eerie.

Perfect for an early bedtime... night!
 

Awwwww.... I love Ricardo. He says the nicest things. He invited me over, and I spent a couple of hours with him tonight as a last goodbye before he got on the bus to go home for thanksgiving. We spent those hours talking and listening to his favorite trance songs. He told me some very personal things and about how he likes Kevin (the other Kevin I'd mentioned earlier) and we were just talking for a long time. Then after he got on his bus for home, I was walking home through Porter College, and there is a meadow there where there is a very nice view of the ocean and the stars, and I like to stop and look up there on clear nights. I was walking through, and I'd just leaned to look up at the gorgeous sky, when a bright blue streak shot across the sky right in front of my eyes. This is the second time within a few days that this has happened, and just like before my heart started pounding with adrenaline when I saw it, such was the surprise it gave me to see it. I smiled in amazement and then sent Ricardo (who'd talked to me about seeing a shooting star recently, also, and taking it as a good omen) a text telling him about it. He replied by saying "You must be very lucky." I got home, very happy with my life, and how this year has turned out so far, and I turned on my music. An hour later, I checked my phone, and, unexpectedly, found a missed call from Ricardo. I called him back just now, and he answered as he was getting on the Greyhound bus. He said that he'd called just to tell me something in response to the shooting star and how he was thinking about being lucky, and how I'd said that this year would be a good one - and he said that he knew what he was thankful for this year: he was thankful for me.

I got this warm, floating feeling inside, the kind you get ony from spending time with the most special of people in your life, and I told him that I was thankful for his friendship as well - very, very thankful. He's one of the best friends I've ever had. And it's true. When I got home and told other people about the shooting star, they told me: make a wish. I thought about what I would wish for and came to the conclusion that I don't need a wish - I am wanting for nothing. But then I thought, if I had to wish for something... I'd wish for luck to Ricardo in his romantic endeavors. Because he really does deserve it, and if he does get a boyfriend, then that person is extremely lucky to have such a great guy in his life. Seriously, how many people call you at one in the morning because they thought they should tell you that they appreciate your friendship? Not many. Not many at all.

So yes, yes - I AM very lucky this year. Lucky to have such a great, wonderful, loving friend. And we both said so - I'm so lucky to have you. Very, very lucky. And the meteors just make it that much more other-worldly and amazing.

... on another note, it's extremely strange to me that the guy Ricardo likes happens to also be a Kevin. Have you ever had that happen to you? Where someone you are very close to has such an eerily similar life to yours, despite living completely separate lives before meeting? The only other person who is so eerily alike to me is my cousin, and... well, that's my cousin. But to have a complete stranger to your life previous to the friendship come into your life with so many parallels to yours... it's crazy. It's like an alternate universe, only in a person. Very similar, but with some crucial differences. In Ricardo, I can see what might've happened if I'd made a different move than I did based on tiny differences in our lives. It's really interesting. Astonishing, but interesting.

Anyways, this weekend was pretty low-key, but it was good anyway. On Saturday, I spent the whole day curled up on the couch in a blanket and pillow watching stuff on TV, nursing my sore neck from the crazy night of dancing the night before. Of all the body parts that could be sore, the neck is the worst - it makes you feel like you're getting sick, and you don't feel like doing anything. So I was really lazy. I only stepped outside a couple times to talk on the phone. I called my dad who put me on the phone with my grandma, which was incredibly sad because she is dying of cancer and is at the point where she can no longer speak because if she tries to speak, she just starts coughing. And also, she's not all there anymore, either. My aunt said that she's been seeing people from her past - like a dog from her childhood. She told my aunt: "Do you see that dog?" and pointed - but there was no dog. And the other day, my dad said, she caught sight of herself in a mirror - she hadn't seen herself in a mirror in a while, and then she started making faces at her reflection in the mirror, like a child. That made me smile. At least she can still have fun. But it's not so fun to talk to her on the phone. Because she can't speak so much, I had to try and talk to her without any response. I didn't know what to say, so there were long silences. At first, I wanted to ask the usual questions: "How are you?" "What are you doing?" But then I realized, those don't work because she can't respond. So then I just started telling her about how I'm just taking it easy this weekend after a long night of dancing with friends the other night... small talk.

It's really interesting, but talking to her on the phone made me realize just how much of a phone conversation is based on a very routine set of questions and responses, and how all the things I was saying we things that I could've said to anyone anytime. So then I decided to step out of my comfort zone and enter the realm of un-prescribed script. I started saying what was on my mind: what I was seeing, what I had thought of before, what was meaningful to me. I told her about this tree I was looking at as I was speaking to her, a tree in front of my building that is completely stripped of any leaves and beautiful in it's nakedness, standing in a pile of shed yellow and red leaves. I told her about a spider that lives in the meadow by my building that I'd seen outside a number of times - huge, tarantula-like. I was just telling her about the meteor shower I'd gone to watch on Monday, and how beautiful the sky was here, when my dad took over the phone. By that time, I was crying in full. It's terribly sad to talk to someone who can't talk back, whom you can't see or hear - you can't tell if they're listening, you can't tell if they like what you're saying or if they're bored, and you can't even take a guess at what they might be thinking, if they're thinking at all. It's like speaking to someone who's already dead.

After the day ended, I finally got up to go to dinner with Toro and Ricardo, who'd been locked away for most of the weekend writing a research paper. It was a nice dinner. I wanted it to last all night. And I could tell the others wanted it to too because we all kept stalling, going back for dish after dish and eating slowly, getting a glass of juice and sipping it carefully, prolonging the time. Toro was the first to leave - he had a meeting of some sort. So me and Ricardo were left. Eventually, we decided we had to go, that we'd been there too long. Ricardo seemed to notice that I was bummed and said: "I'm sorry. This sucks. You seemed to want to hang out with me this weekend, too, but I'm stuck doing this stupid paper." He walked with me as far as Kresge and then hugged me goodbye, and we both went back to our isolation, our work. Well... he did, anyway. I myself just went back to sleep. That's what I do when I don't feel like doing anything, when I'm down or sad or depressed - I sleep. In this case, I was just sore and a little sad that Ricardo had to do a paper.

On Sunday, me and Patrick got a ride from Kim to the grocery store and got a turkey and enough food to feed a large family for a couple of days. We have so much food, we'll probably be eating the turkey for a couple of weeks, assuming that no one else takes some. I think, perhaps, that after Thanksgiving we'll have to have a leftover eating party. After getting the food, I left again for downtown to an event at Heather's house called "Storytime" aka: a group of college kids sitting around with pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals sipping hot cocoa and tea and reading children's books aloud to one another. It was very relaxing, and I nearly fell asleep on the couch, lulled by the compelling voices reading me the story of Harold and the Purple Crayon or Where the Wild Things Are. In fact, it was too relaxing. I reluctantly sat up in the middle of the story-telling after a book about a cricket and said I had to leave. On the walk home, I attempted to wake myself up so that I would have enough focus to write my paper. For yes, I'd left my paper until the day before it was due at 11 pm. I started writing around midnight, went to bed around 3 am, woke up around 9 am, and finished the paper to my satisfaction a full hour before it was due. I was proud of myself. I know exactly how long it takes to write a good paper, and was not worried at all that I wouldn't finish it.

And yes, that's my week. The rest is routine except for this fine night with a fine friend and the stars falling above proclaiming the good luck of the coming year, and an excellent end to an old one. Cheers - and Happy Thanksgiving.
 

I signed up for most of next quarter's classes the other day. I was going to sign up for Intro to Jazz Dance, but it was closed already, so I went with Modern II/III, the sequel to the class that I took with Ricardo last quarter. Ricardo is currently in this class, so I'll have to ask him what the instructor's like. From what he's told me already, though, it sounds like the moves are going to get much more complicated, and I'll actually have to do some choreography. But I'm really excited to dance again - not just at dances or in my room, but in a professional sense with choreographed moves in a group.

The other classes I got are Socy 10 and 15. 10 is Problems in American Society, or something to that effect, and I'll have that class with Tatiana. 15 is World Society, and I have that class with Ricardo. For my last class, I have to wait until next week to sign up, but I'm hoping that World Lit: Time/Space will stay open. My first choice, Language and Social Interaction, was full before I could get it, so I'm stuck taking another Lit class. But Time/Space sounds pretty interesting: it examines lit from the perspectives of time and physical boundaries around the Pacific Rim. If I get that class, as planned, then I'll have a very nice schedule next quarter. No early classes and only one night discussion, so I'll get enough sleep! And not as much reading.

This week, all the students are protesting at all the UC schools, including ours, against the regent's raise of the tuition by 32%. On Wednesday, there was a giant strike at the front and west gates, and then they occupied Kerr Hall, the financial and administrative offices. They're still there. In fact, my co-workers took the leftover food from work today to feed them. I considered joining, but strikes and occupations do not appeal to me as a way to oppose things. They often inconvience people and damage things more than they help, especially if things get out of control, like a couple weeks ago when some students destroyed some furniture in a building, and they had the students pay to fix the damages, and focused more on that than the actual issues being protested. I prefer a more peaceful way of protesting that doesn't involve a chance of being arrested, and missing class, etc. In my Creative Writing class, we're going to write creative stories/letters to the people in charge to get their attention and let them know that these fee raises are not acceptable, not when the students aren't getting anything from the extra cost except for library hour cuts, less teachers, and larger lecture classes. It doesn't make any sense that we have to pay that much more to get THEM out of debt while they're continuing to cut more and more of our education benefits out.

In other news, next week is Thanksgiving, and I found out that Patrick (my gay friend who lives next door) is also staying at UCSC for Thanksgiving, so we've planned to try and cook a turkey for the holiday. It'll be interesting since we don't have a rack or pan or thermometer or anything to cook it with. haha. We'll have to go on a hunt for the stuff we need. But it should be really fun.

Tonight, there are two dances. I called Ricardo, but he didn't answer, so I'm hoping that he'll call me back soon. Otherwise, I'm a one-man team tonight at the Beatles dance. Although, chances are that even if he doesn't call, I'll probably see him there if I go. I also kind of want to play DDR, but I can't play on my floor. I'll have to see if Ricardo wants to play at his apartment, or if I can find someone else with a TV and a first floor apartment who wants to dance. There are a lot of events this weekend - an arts and crafts event, a student film festival, a battle of the bands, and a retreat to childhood at Heather's house where they'll be reading children's books aloud and having cookies and tea. I plan on going to Heather's event, at least, because her's sounds awesome and unique. I'll probably not go to the others. I have to write a paper this weekend, too.

On Monday, Kim had her music event - she gave everyone in her buildings a blank CD, which they then put their favorite music on, and she swapped everyone's CD's. Monday, she had everyone over for cookies, milk, and other goodies to find out who had who's CD's. It was a pretty good event. About halfway through, Ricardo arrived, which was funny because everyone in the room was from Kresge, and he had to introduce himself as a random person from Oakes - to which everyone did the "OOAKES" call. After the event ended, I went with Ricardo to Stevenson College, where his friends were waiting to watch the meteor shower on a grassy knoll. As it so happens, I actually knew one of the people there from kayaking. I don't know how, but Ricardo seems to know all the people from my kayaking class because I keep re-meeting them through him. Watching the meteor shower, it was freezing outside, but eventually we were all too numb to notice. Our eyes were fixated on the sky, where it was a challenge to see meteors since they didn't happen at any particular spot in the sky, but seemed to occur randomly. I'd be looking straight up, and the next thing I knew, people would gasp and point at the horizon... and then I would swear and watch that part of the sky, only to hear them all gasp and point in the opposite direction. So when I DID see a meteor, it was when I happened to be lucky and looking in the right spot. Overall, though, the show was pretty slow and the meteors were pretty small and disappointing. As the climax of the shower arrived, we all started to get impatient and started urging the meteors on - "Come on, just one big one, please?!?" - and then we started making sexual jokes - you know, "climax" of the meteor shower, "white streaks" of meteors, etc,etc. - and it progressed from there until we were all laughing at the most ridiculous of suggestive comments. Finally, we decided to leave... and it was just then that 4 giant meteors came in quick succession, and we all ooh-ed and ahh-ed in amazement. Then, of course, it took us longer to actually leave. But I did eventually get home, and did eventually sleep, although not for very long.

The weekend was an interesting one, too. Me, Silvia, and Ricardo went to the show Animals of Omaha, and it was hilarious because the two gay characters were my friends, and they had a kissing scene and everything... but in real life, neither of them is gay. AWKWARD! haha. Then Ricardo joined us for a game of Scrabble and Flux. The next day, me and Silvia got breakfast and then Katie called - she just happened to be in town with nothing to do, so I joined her and we walked from Swift to the beach, all the way across Westcliff to the Boardwalk, from the Boardwalk to downtown, just talking the whole time. It was very nice. I myself was tempted to go down to the beaches, since it was low tide, but Katie didn't want to. I kind of wish Ricardo had been there - I know HE would've been all for the beach, and even for swimming, if I'd wanted to.

Other than that, the only interesting tidbit I have left to tell you about is that Ricardo now knows that I identify as asexual. He brought it up as he was telling me about this crush he has on a guy he likes. Apparently, Toro told him. I was a little caught off-guard that he knew, but it was okay, and he seemed to accept it - he was just curious, I guess. What I'm curious to know is what Ricardo and Toro were talking about that brought up the topic - were they talking about me? I wonder what they said to one another. But I guess I'll never know because I didn't ask.


 

Tonight, after work, I was at home reading. I had decided to get in a few chapters before the pajama dance, thinking that Ricardo would probably call me before. However, an hour before the dance, I was surprised when a knock came at the door, and... there was Ricardo! He even brought his pajamas with him. Apparently, we're good enough friends now that he thinks he can just stop by without calling first. And he'd be absolutely right about that. It's always nice to find an unexpected friend at the door. Since we had an hour to kill (and I'm assuming that this was his intention in arriving early), he challenged me to a Scrabble rematch, one-on-one, just me and him.

And hell, he beat me by 50 points. He went first, and the very first word he put down was a 7-letter word, "refrain", worth 76 points. He followed that up with the word "quark" on a double word score with a double letter score on the K for another whopping 46 points. I was left in the dust, slack-jawed. Ricardo's got some serious game. And some serious luck.

Then we went to the dance. To our amazement, they were actually playing dance music rather than bad hip-hop. However, the dance music was too strange for Ricardo, and he was looking for his absent friends, so we left in search of them. We entered their apartment and quickly got sucked into watching TV and talking with them. Finally, we decided just to stay and play Flux, so we went and got my game, watching Kill Bill 2 on TV as we played the longest game of Flux ever. And I found out that Ricardo is squeamish. During one of the commercial breaks, a news flash came on about a wanted person, a latino male who had 6 burglaries under his belt. Ricardo's comment on this was "He actually looks kind of cute." I joked to him: "Maybe that's why he's wanted." Ba-bum-tish. But Ricardo is really slow with jokes and went on to say, "No, he's wanted for burglary." So I had to tell him it was a joke, and when it finally clicked for him, he said "Oh", threw back his head and laughed. "Sorry, I'm bad with jokes." No kidding, I thought, but his lack of humor was of an amusing sort. It's not that he doesn't have a sense of humor, he's just slow on the uptake, and it's funny to see how long it takes for him to understand that we're joking.

Tomorrow, Ricardo wants to go to the beach, so me, him, and the Porter group, and whoever else (maybe Toro and Kevin Y.?) are going to go in the afternoon. After that, my friend Silvia is coming, and me, her and Ricardo are going to go to a show. Then Silvia is spending the night at my place, since the bus stops running too early for her to get back. Should be a pretty fun day. I'm really excited and happy to have so many things to do with so many good friends. And then on Sunday, Toro wants me to take him to the Kresge Swing.

Pretty busy and excellent weekend, if I don't say so myself.
 

My weekend went fairly well. I slept in, and then Heather came over and we made cake. We decided to dye it purple, but didn't have enough red, so it ended up blue. The bottom layer was square and the top was round (those are the only shaped pans I had), and we decorated the top in the shape of a banana slug with yellow M&M's, almonds, and chocolate chips. I think it must've been THE most awesome cake I've ever made. And then we had an hour or two to kill before the show we were to attend, so we sat and discussed asexuality, since Heather is also asexual and was interested in hearing my perspective, as was I to hear hers. Apparently, she'd heard of asexuality before, but had written it off as a possibility, thinking that being asexual meant that you didn't want romantic relationships. However, then last year, she was in a Psych class and decided to do a paper on asexuality, and discovered that yes, relationships were possible, and this led her to identify as such herself. I think that was a really interesting story. From what I gather, most people discover asexuality for themselves by independently inventing the term and googling it on a whim (like I did).

It was interesting to share stories with her about relationships, too. Apparently she also has a gay best friend whom she would've liked a romantic relationship with, but who she is satisfied to simply be really good friends with (as I am with Ricardo). But she's been in that situation longer, and she told me that, while this relationship satisfies her romantic needs, it wasn't so good because the guy eventually thought that she was getting to close and then put her through a painful distancing. And then he got a boyfriend, and that's obviously somewhat sucky for Heather because someone else has taken over the main position in his life. I thought about this, and it occurred to me that this could very likely happen to me as well. Ricardo has told me himself that, though I am a good friend, I don't fit that position, and he is actively looking for someone to be in that kind of relationship with... so, eventually, he'll have a boyfriend, and I'll have to back off a bit.

Then me and Heather went to a show called "Accidental Lesbian", which is basically a stand-up-comedy-esque performance of "chapters" in the director's life. It was REALLY good - she's had a really interesting life, and it was an excellent first show for her. After the show, I sat around waiting for Ricardo, who'd said he would stop by and have some cake/food before he had to go to the Rainbow Theater performance he was attending with our friend Kevin. However, he was coming from downtown, and by the time he got here, it was almost time for him to leave again. He ate my food very quickly (people seem to eat my food a lot this year, haha), and then I decided to go for a run, so I put on some shorts and said I'd run there with him, since he was so late that running was necessary to get there on time. We ran across the campus, we lagging behind because I'd just eaten cake, and cake doesn't go well with running. But eventually my stomach settled, and we were going at a pretty steady pace. We got there only a couple minutes late, and he was able to buy a ticket and enter. I, myself, headed out to the track, stretched, and then ran and ran and ran. I ran a good 2 1/2 miles, almost running into a big deer with huge antlers that was standing right in the middle of the track at one point. Then I walked back, and waited until the show would be over, for Ricardo had said he might stop by for some cake afterwards. But it was getting really late, so I thought that he wouldn't be coming, and it was just as I was moving from the living room to the bedroom to get ready for bed around 11pm that a knock came on the door. And there was not only Ricardo, but Kevin as well. He apologized for coming unannounced, but I waved the apology away. He suggested that we play Scrabble and I readily agreed, quite happy to ablige. Ricardo wanted to play and see if I really was as good at Scrabble as I told him, for, he said, he was pretty confident that he could match me.

He was wrong. I beat both of them by a landslide, as usual. Ricardo even got a 7-letter-word 50-point bonus at one point, and I still beat him by about 100 points. But it was fun anyway, and they gave me a pretty good run for my money. We had some really funny words, and I got the idea of making up a story with the words on the board, and we all came up with the most hilarious, if somewhat inappropriate, stories. I still can't believe that Ricardo had the 7-letter word "maenads"... that was amazing. We had just been talking about maenads and thyrsus wands and Greek plays the other day, and he just happened to get that word! After the game, we watched more music videos, true to Ricardo's nature. And then Ricardo, sugar-high from eating most of the cake, grabbed the cake knife and performed in a spontaneous mock-play for me and Kevin, dramatically brandishing the knife and investigating the mystery of the eaten cake, and, at one point, even pretending to stab the TV. It was 2 am, and I had Ricardo in my living room doing Modern Dance moves to the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, with a knife in one hand and this ridiculous look on his face. Well, at least he wasn't laughing hysterically this time. And then we all sat on the futon and talked for another hour before finally and reluctantly retiring to our respective beds.

The next day, I slept in, and then in the evening, went to Imani's show at the Rainbow Theater with Kim. Ricardo was supposed to meet us there, but he was late, and he arrived just as the director was introducing the play, exhausted from studying all day. I didn't like the first play so much - it was somewhat boring - but it had some funny characters in it. The play dragged on for a full hour and half, and then, after an intermission, Imani's Poet's Corner finally came on. They were SO GOOD. Imagine really good poetry combined with choreography in multiple acts with different characters, combined into one movement of poetry that came together in the end and left you haunted with these last words: "It never ends." I can't decribe it, but it was amazing. And Imani did not only poetry, but piano as well, and singing. And they accompanied their poetry with body motions, visually representing the words they were saying. At the end, they got an encore applause from a standing audience, and we went up to congratulate him. He said: "My house is here!" and gave us all a hug and said we smelled like the tea at our apartment - that we smelled like home.

And that's the end of the weekend. But today was a day off, so it felt like the weekend. And it was also a very good day.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I should tell you about last night before I move on towards the present. Last night, I was at home, and everyone had left, and it was just me in the apartment. I resigned myself to a night by myself, chatting online. I decided to watch a movie on the futon. But just before, Patrick sent me a message saying he wanted to come bug me, so I said: "So come bug me then. I've got milk..." And that teaser was all he needed. The next moment, Patrick was coming through my door with a smile on his face. He gave me a hug, ate Kim's cookies, drank my milk, and then we sat down on the couch. I asked him, have you seen this movie? It was Sex and the City: The Movie. I'd found it in Imani's collection, funnily enough, and Patrick said, are you kidding? I own the special edition. That's my favortie movie. Then I got my fuzzy blanket and my two cushiest body pillows, and we curled up in them and turned off the light and watched the chick flick, leaned up against each other like little children. It was a great movie, too. Just what I needed - a love story with a happy ending that leaves a warm feeling inside. Patrick left, since it was late - 2 am. But I stayed on the futon, happy, warm, and more comfortable than I'd been in years. I wanted to stay there forever. It felt like home again. Not home as it's been for the last few years, but home as it was years ago on holidays, when all my relatives were around, and I'd have to sleep on the couch, with my cousins beside me, and I'd stare up at the Christmas-light-lit ceiling, pull my blankets around me, and smile at the thought of the morning to come. Those were the days. And to have that feeling back, here at Santa Cruz, in my very own apartment, was the best thing that's happened to me this year. It's so nice to feel at home again. To have that sense of comfort and closeness, that sense of family, like so many years ago.

However, I did end up moving back to my bed. At first, I stayed on the couch, ready to sleep there... but I wasn't tired, and I stayed up thinking happy and warm thoughts, remembering things that I haven't remembered in a long time. And then the allergies hit, and suddenly my nose itched and my eyes watered up and I was snuffling. I don't know what triggered it - perhaps I inhaled some of the fuzz from my blanket - but I took some medicine, took a shower, and went to bed. I woke up today with a stuffed up nostril, and crusty eyes - yuck - and messaged Toro. He'd invited us to climb Tree 9 today, assuming it wasn't raining. It wasn't, so we set a time. Ricardo was late again - he'd gotten caught up listening to a friend who'd decided to confide in him - and we had ot wait for him to eat lunch. But finally, he was ready and we set off. When we got there, there were a lot of people already in the tree, and many other people besides, waiting to start up. We waited a while for some people to come down and then Ricardo led the way up the rope ladder. I followed him up, finding it much easier than before - kayaking has paid off in that respect - and then began my ascent into the main part of the tree, stepping from branch to branch, stretching to reach, stitting, pulling, and clutching onto the tree. Surprisingly, I found that it wasn't as scary as I'd thought. In fact, it was easy and fun, and I out-stripped Ricardo, who'd climbed the tree once before. He was surprised that I climbed so fast, and had a little more trouble than I in getting across some of the more difficult gaps. Half-way up, we found a little toy parachute that someone had presumably thrown from the top of the tree. After that point, it got to where you couldn't see the ground anymore, all the branches hindering your view. Which is good because no doubt the view from that height of the ground would've given some people a panic attack. We scaled the tree, and reached the top. The top was kind of scary because, with more than one person up there, it swayed if anyone moved. I was glad that it wasn't windy, for I've heard that the top of the tree sways in the wind. I don't doubt it.

The view was phenomenal. From the top of the tree, you could see the bay, from Santa Cruz all the way across to Monterey. The sun was beginning to set, but we were so high up that there was still sunlight on the top of the tree, and on the tops of the trees around us. It was beautiful and peaceful and such an awesome and fun experience. I hope to do it again very soon, and more often, for I enjoyed it very much. Then me and Ricardo headed down again, me leading the way, weaving around the people coming up under us. I was halfway down the tree when Ricardo yelled from above: "How did you get down there so fast?" I said, "It's easy!" Below me, Toro and Kevin were waiting on the ground - they were too freaked out by heights to climb to the top, although, before, Toro did climb the bottom of the tree. He said it was easy climbing, but it was hella scary and that he didn't want to go all the way. So instead, he took pictures. I posed in the tree with Toro's roommate, Bryan, and then Ricardo caught up (or down, haha) to me and posed with us, hanging from the branches, looking down. Then we went the rest of the way, shimmied down the rope ladder (the hardest part of the climb) and rested on solid ground once more. Although, to be honest, I was so calm and peaceful up in the tree, that the tree was pretty solid too. I could've lounged up there all day. One person even remarked that we should have a book club up there - I thought, that would be so awesome!

Then we followed the trail further to the Wishing Tree, where people's wishes papered the limbs and were stuck on the ends of twigs. There was every kind of wish on there, from "I wish for world peace" to "I wish I didn't have to pee so much" and "I wish I could teleport". It was really interesting to read them all. And then a stranger offered us his notebook and pen and we put up our own wishes. Mine was as follows: "I wish for another night that feels like home, and many more to come."

After that, the others went home, and Ricardo expressed a wish to go to the Kresge swing. So I took him there, racing against the sun as it set. We arrived, and there were people already there. We took our turns, and I felt that familiar wonderful swooping sensation on the first drop from the tree out and over into the empty space over the ravine. I honestly think that the swing is scarier than being at the top of tree 9. It would be really easy to fall off or to swing the wrong way and run into a tree. But it was fun.

I told my mom that I'd climbed a tree and gone to the swing today. She thought, my lovely dare-devil child, climbing trees, swinging over ravines, and kayaking on the ocean. I thought, what an awesome life.
 

Yesterday was the last day of kayaking. I nearly missed out on it after looking out the window and being discouraged by the clouds, wanting to go back to sleep... but then I looked up the weather on the ocean, and it was actually a very nice day, 2-5 foot swells at a 12-second period, not much wind at all... very nice day. And it wasn't very cold out, either. So I changed my mind and went. I was glad I went, but I got a headache from the swells and the nauseating stench of the seal rock. This headache went away, and I went to work fairly happy and energetic, smiling, joking, and talking to my coworkers in a most pleasant mood. But then, halfway through my shift, I crashed - my headache returned and I felt crappy. I could feel myself slowly wearing down. I wanted to lay down and sleep. And indeed, after work, I went home and took a nap for an hour. But it wasn't enough, and I reluctantly woke up for class 10 minutes late, which meant I had to run to class. It was raining outside, but I charged through it, glasses obsured with droplets, pants soaked halfway to the knee from puddles, breath visible on the air - it was... refreshing. It made me happy, running through the rain. I wanted to run forever. But eventually I reached my destination and watched a weird movie for my class.

When I got out of the film showing, I had already decided to go on a walk through the rain. I returned home first and dropped off my stuff, then set out. I did what I usually do on such walks - I texted my best friends. Ricardo was the first to reply. And what he said pleased me so: "Just walking around." I called him up, and, a few minutes later, joined him and his friend Kevin on their walk. We talked and walked and decided to go banana slug hunting, since neither had seen one yet. We searched for an hour before giving up and then journeying, on my suggestion, to the top of the parking structure. There we looked around, then sat and talked for a good long time. After a while, Ricardo suggested East Field, so we went there, walked out across the field to the lookout bench and admired the night-time view of Santa Cruz, lit up and beautiful. It was clear under the clouds - the rain had wiped out any haze. We could see all the way across the bay to the lights that twinkled in Monterey. We sat there in silence for a while, listening to the fog horn dully directing ships to the harbor as the waves made it sound. It was peaceful, and afterwards Ricardo said that the silence was perfect and just what he needed. I think it was what we all needed.

We went home, Kevin off to his own home in Crown (no relation to the other Kevin), me and Ricardo to his apartment, where I retrieved from him my bra lent out at Halloween. We then sat in his living room and talked some more. After a short while, one of his apartment-mates and his friend opened the door. They looked around the corner, caught sight of us sitting close together, and quickly exited again, holding back giggles. We heard them speaking to each other outside, talking about us like gossipping middle schoolers. Then Ricardo rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, I know what they're thinking... they think we're going to start making out or something." He then looked to me and asked: "What do you think of that?" I simply smiled and said, "I think it's amusing." Ricardo, himself, thought it was annoying - he wasn't in the mood to deal with them. Then the apartment-mate and friend opened the door again - this time, they snuck by quickly, not looking at us, but shuddering in silent laughter as they shut the bedroom door on us. We both rolled our eyes. I laughed. Then Ricardo said he was tired and showed me out the door. As usual, we started talking again and got caught up in another conversation in the doorway. This always happens with Ricardo - it takes a long time for me to actually leave. Last time, he got caught up talking about Roman history. And another time, he got caught on a rant about social constructions. This time, however, I quite liked the direction in which he went in his goodbye conversation. I liked it very much.

He told me about this mural that there was in Merrill which consisted of a dark, stormy background with all these insults on it... and then, in the middle, in bright letters, one phrase stood out: "Appreciate something." And he told me that it was true: people get so caught up in criticizing people that they forget to see the good in them. And then he told me that when he'd gotten my text message, he'd immediately remembered that I would probably be up for a walk, if I wasn't already out walking. He said that he'd noticed that I was usually up to do something and made time to spend time with him, and he previously hadn't found a friend who would do that. And then he told me about seeing that mural and he told me: "I appreciate you. I find myself calling you before anyone else when I want to do something. You're a good friend. And I realized that I hadn't told you that, and I just wanted to make sure you knew. So now you know." The whole time I was listening to that, I was melting inside, and all I could think was awwww.... and then I said it aloud: "Awww..." And I told him, I felt the same way about him - it was mutual. It was on that note that we finally hugged goodbye, and I left for home.

I was SO happy. I AM so happy. Yesterday, I was floating, and today, I'm still glowing from what Ricardo said. How many people say something like that to you? I think that's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. And I'm so glad. So glad. There aren't words for it. THIS is happiness.

And on the way home, just as I'd predicted, I found a banana slug. Earlier that night, I'd joked to Ricardo that banana slugs don't like him and that what would probably happen was that I leave him to go to bed, and that I'd find one on the way home. And sure enough...! I took a picture of it and called him up and he laughed. He thought it was funny that what I'd predicted had happened. And then he told me to keep him posted on events this weekend - there are several shows I'm planning on going to that he wants to join me for - and said goodnight.

It was a perfect night. It could not have been better. I'm so happy to have found Ricardo, and I'm happy that Ricardo's happy to have found me. This is life like it's meant to be, friendship at it's best. I'm having a great time. Nothing is bad and everything is good.

And today, I told my friends Patrick and Toro that I was asexual. I said it matter-of-factly, and they took it matter-of-factly, and it felt right. And I'm happy about that, too. Toro gave me a haircut and the whole topic came out as we were talking about our experiences with the sex-talk - or, in our cases, a lack of the sex talk. It came up that my mom was worried that I'd be a lesbian and then Patrick asked me: "Are you a lesbian?" I shook my head no. "... or bi? Or straight? Just curious. Are you queer?" I said no, I'm not straight... "I would actually consider myself to be asexual," I said. And Patrick just looked at me curiously and said, "Okay - that's cool." And Toro said, "I was wondering the same thing, myself... you know, with the short hair and everything." And then I laughed and told him, "No, the hair is just annoying."

So yes... everything is good. And everything is getting better all the time.

I appreciate everything.
 

Twas an excellent weekend. Indeed it was. In fact, life has been excellent in general lately. I haven't had a low in weeks, even when I was sleep deprived. And now the hard work is over and I get a break between papers and midterms, and it's very nice.

This Halloween was a perfect one - it just happened to be close to a full moon, and the sky was clear of fog or rain. In fact, it was downright warm the other day. The night before Halloween, me and Ricardo went to my old apartment-mate Tyler's improv show, and then to a dance at Merrill. It was a really good dance, with lots of people, since it had started out with a zombie crawl from all the dining halls to the dance. We missed the zombie crawl, but the dance was awesome. Everyone was in costume, including me and Ricardo (or Rachelle, as he said to call him ). We both got a lot of comments and compliments on our costumes, mine as "clever", whereas for "Rachelle", everyone kept coming up and feeling his fake boobs because they looked so realistic. I joked that they belonged to me, and he agreed, since it was my padded bra that made them look so real. But anyway, we danced with abandon.

At one point, a guy in a creepy baby-faced mask came in and started moving around in such a way as to be really freaky looking, such that when he came up to us, Ricardo says he nearly screamed, he was so freaked out by it. The way he moved, he held his head in one spot while twisting around the rest of his body slowly in unnatural ways. Later, he came up to me where I was dancing to a song I really liked, and whispered in my ear "Let's Battle." I was caught off-guard, but I went along with it. I wasn't sure what to do, since I don't really don't professionally, and just kind of dance however I feel like dancing. But he gestured for me ot make the first move, so I did, at the end of which I ended up blushing and laughing in embarrassment because I'd never done this before. Then he finally made his move: he stood in one spot and held his head still, and then reached his arms down and around, so that they appeared to be spinning in their sockets. He must have been double-jointed or something because I'm pretty sure normal people can't move like that. But it was freaky, and that was the effect he was going for, I'm sure. He didn't even dance - he only challenged me so that he could pull that move and freak everyone out. Not knowing how to respond, I simply laughed and edged away back to Ricardo, who was watching from afar, too scared of the creepy guy to stand closer.

Then we got back into the dance, and Michael Jackson's "Beat It" came on, and me and Ricardo made up a choreographed dance for it. That was fun. And the party finally ended at 1:00am with the song "Around the World" by Daft Punk, and me and Ricardo danced in circles around each other, improvising like we did in Modern Dance class last year. We clapped, satisfied with the night, and went home.

The next night, Ricardo called me and said he was getting a group together to go downtown and see all the costumes, get dinner, and then come back and go to the dance later. I ended up inviting my friend Toro, whom, as it turns out, Ricardo knew already. None of the people that Ricardo invited showed up, so it turned out kind of nicely, with just the three of us, already knowing one another. So we were able to have a pretty good time. We caught a bus, and downtown, Pacific Ave was roped off and people were crowding the street, parading back and forth in costume, looking at all the other costumes. We joined in the costumed parade, an iPod commercial, a fake woman, and some sort of tribal deity (I'm not sure what Toro was, but he had awesome-looking make-up and a pretty cool robe). We walked the street and decided to eat at the Santa Cruz Diner, famous for its extensive menu of delicious foods of all sorts. They had everything from breakfast to dinner, from American to Asian food. There was a little something for everyone. I myself ordered a little something called "Death by Brownie". Yes, that's what it was called. When I ordered it, the waiter gave a knowing smile and a wink and said, "I make an extra large one, so you know it'll live up to its name." And sure enough, it did. It was delicious. Toro said that it looked obscene... which it did... but that's just because he couldn't believe I would eat that much brownie chocolately ice-cream goodness. I ate the whole thing except for one last chunk of brownie at the bottom, which Ricardo then finished off for me.

We then walked the length of Pacific several times, watching the crazy costumes. There was one group of Wizard of Oz themed characters who had set up a cart with a boom box on it, which they wheeled around, occasionally stopping to dance. We caught them right as they danced "Thriller", and it was SO COOL. They weren't the only one with that idea. One person was dressed as a robot, and inside the robot costume were speakers playing the song. Walking with the robot was a kid, a little boy, who was dressed as Michael Jackson and who was a seriously talented dancer. He danced down the street like MJ himself. There were many other costumes too, but to recount them all would take much too long.

After a while, we caught a bus back to campus and went to the dance. Me and Ricardo entered in a costume contest, me in the "most original" category, him in the "funny" category. I thought for sure that I'd win, since people had really liked my costume, and I hadn't seen a single person with a costume like mine despite all the people downtown. But I didn't win. The home-made pterodactyl won. Which, I have to admit, was a really awesome costume. But Ricardo told me that I should've won because, well, animals are done all the time, but how many people think to do something from the media? But anyway... Ricardo didn't win either, though we both came really close. He was up against a nerd with really crazy dance moves and a guy dressed as a gay army recruiter. They all had awesome dance moves which made it really hard to choose. Ricardo did his bend-and-snap move, the really ridiculous one that required the curves of a woman to pull off... and he pulled it off! But the gay recruiter won, I suppose since that hasn't really been done before.

But we had a great time. Toro was self-appointed photographer and took killer photos of the whole thing. After the contest, all the really good dancers grouped up in the back, including most of the contest participants, and we all danced together and it was awesome. Then, fashionably late, arrived Lady Gaga - Lana, a really good dancer who usually dances with me and Ricardo at every dance. She had told me before that it was her goal to be known by the entire school as the really good dancing girl at all the dances. And I think, with this one, she achieved it. She made such an entrance, with her shades and a rod with a glowing globe at the end, that everyone cleared out a space for her, and she jumped in the middle. The entire crowd of people stopped dancing to watch her as she danced to a Lady Gaga song with all she had. She MUST have been a professional dancer because she was GREAT. Afterwards, she joined us in dancing, and we danced the night away...

"Beat It" came on a second time, and me and Ricardo were able to work out even more of our previously choreographed moves. A guy dressed as Mario came up to us and complimented us on our dancing. But eventually it ended, and we left, once more happy at the turn of events. But I was waiting for Tatiana to return to campus, since she wanted to see my costume, and I wanted to spend some time with her, so I went to Ricardo's place to hang out with him until she called. We stayed up listening to various songs that Ricardo had found, and watching music videos that he wanted to show me. It got really late... and then, all of a sudden, it was early. And we realized: the time change! We groaned. It was the bad time change, and we had just lost an hour sleep. After that, we both got really tired of waiting up, and eventually, I gave up and left to let Ricardo sleep, and told Tatiana that I'd just put up pictures.

But yes, fun times. Yesterday, I slept in, went to the gym, and then studied with a kind-of-not-really friend from my Lit class for our midterm today. There wasn't enough time in the midterm, so I scrambled to finish it, and feel like they were second-rate answers, but what can I do? There wasn't enough time to make them better. So I'm not worrying about it. And now I'm done with all my tests and papers until finals week. And life is sweet and relaxed. The other night, too, Patrick came over to share a glass of milk and chocolate with me, and me, him, and Kim had some excellent girl-talk... or, at least, he and Kim did. I just kind of listened and responded, since I don't really have much to say on the topic (boys, as usual). At one point, Patrick told me that he thought Ricardo had a crush on him. Which, of course, was semi-awkward for me, but what can I do? I simply noted that it might also be that Ricardo is simply a very friendly person, which he is. It's a good thing that I didn't tell Patrick that I liked Ricardo, or else I feel that things would be much worse... I probably would've had Patrick pitying and trying to console me. *cringe* But anyway, after that the topics moved on to better things, like how to tell a guy you like him, which Kim has been struggling with for a year and a half, whereas Patrick seems to be able to pick up men like flowers. It was funny for me to listen to Patrick's suggestions ("Watch a movie in the dark with him and throw popcorn at him and get into a food fight", "Tickle him", "Just tell him you want to f*** him"), and then to see Kim's face as she comtemplated actually doing these outrageous things.

Today I suggested to Heather, whom I have yet to really hang out with, that we hang out this weekend, since I finally have some free time. She agreed, suggesting that we make cake. I was pleased with this answer and am looking forward to the weekend. In addition, Toro has agreed to cut my hair on Friday, since it's getting really long.

My friendship with Tatiana is also growing, despite my not seeing her on Halloween. She invited me to dinner tonight, and we went to Subway, and then to Target shopping. I put on my music and we sang and talked, and I met her roommate. It was a nice evening.

I'm very happy with this year. Things are so much better. And then the other day my dad suggested that for this summer, I just stay in Santa Cruz and find a job here. Which suits me perfectly, so now I'm very excited about that. The only thing I have regrets about at all is Mary. I haven't seen her in such a long time, and I didn't get to spend much time with her this summer, and now I'm not going home for Thanksgiving and won't see her until Christmas. I hardly talk to her anymore because whenever I call her, she's usually busy with work, tired, or on a date with her new boyfriend. It makes me sad because I know there's a certain point in a long distance relationship where you get too distant... and then there really isn't any going back. But I'm afraid it's going to happen soon because I just keep moving on, further and further away, and soon I won't be visiting home at all. To be honest, the only reason I want to go home is to see her. But now it's getting to the point where we are different people and we don't know each other so much anymore. I wish that didn't have to happen, but I don't see a way to avoid it.

But besides that bit of sadness, I'm very happy with the way my life is unfolding, and I can't wait for more.