Is she his girlfriend?

Indeed, that is exactly what they thought - or, at least, Ricardo's mom did. I went to Ricardo's house yesterday at the ripe hour 5:30 am to spend the day with him while my dad was at work, while we were all in the car going to lunch, and Ricardo's mom was on the phone, and I heard her say something to the person on the other end about Ricardo's "girlfriend" being over at the moment. Ricardo didn't say anything about it, so I didn't either. And earlier his mom had invited me to their Christmas Eve dinner, as well. But anyway, I got to his house before the sun had even risen, and woke him up. We then sat on the couch together talking for a while - he showed me a couple of books on places in Brazil and told me about some of the places he'd been to. The book was in Portugeuse, so he didn't really want to translate everything, so he only told me about the places he knew. It was very interesting. Then Ricardo's mom made everybody waffles for breakfast, and afterwards Ricardo suggested that we play some video games. He wanted to play Super Smash Bros, but his sister was also there, and she wanted to play MarioKart, so, to appease her, that's what we played first. Because these are the old Nintendo64 games, I have played them before and am decent at them, so I was able to beat Ricardo a few times and actually have some fun playing them. Ricardo gets really into the Super Smash Bros, and he knows all the characters and what they do, so he was teaching me all their moves. I only know one character: Kirby. Because that's the only character that can fly. Otherwise, I have a tendency to accidentally commit suicide by falling off the island that we're fighting on. We both got really into the game, and by the time I stopped to look at the time, it was already noon. So we stopped playing and went to lunch, and after lunch, Ricardo drove me around Pasadena showing me places. We tried to go to the mall, but obviously it's two days before Christmas, and it's madness at the mall, so we couldn't even find a parking space. We went home instead, and then went on a hike to the waterfall in the canyon by his house. That was really cool. The trail crossed over the stream several times, so we had to balance on top of rocks trying not to fall in. I fell in anyway, and walked around with a wet shoe for the rest of the hike. But I enjoyed it very much and the waterfall was beautiful. Unfortunately, we were in a hurry, since my dad would be done with work soon, and we needed to get back to the house almost immediately after arriving at the waterfall. In fact, my dad beat us home by about 3 minutes.

I gave Ricardo his Christmas present, which he decided he wanted to open on Christmas day: "I like to save all the excitement of gift opening for one day." And then we went in the back and said goodbye to his dad and sister. I awkwardly hugged Ricardo goodbye in front of all of them, wondering what they were thinking. And then me and my dad left to sit in traffic for two hours.

Upon arriving home, I found my brother, recently arrived from Oregon, and his friend there. Also, my aunt was there. I'm happy to have my brother home to banter with again. He's really the closest match to me as far as a fun wordplay in a conversation goes. In fact, he'd called me while I was in the car with Ricardo, and we had immediately slipped into an English accent while talking, without even thinking about it. And when I got home, he knew how to counter all my sarcastic remarks and subtle jokes, how to add on to them and make them last to full effect. After his friend left, and we were bored, he suggested we play a game of his, wherein one person names a thing, and the next person must respond with something that counters it in some way, and so on. For example:

Me: Ball.
Him: Pin. (pin pops ball)
Me: Corkboard. (pin is stuck in corkboard)
Him: Fire. (fire burns corkboard).
Me: Water. (puts out fire)
Etc, etc.

It was really fun. My brother and I understand each other very well.

Speaking of my brother, he's just come back home from a friend's house. I should go and say hi. I didn't see him this morning because I slept through two alarm clocks and on into the afternoon until finally waking up with an arm covered in drool after the most delicious dreams (which I can't remember) at 3:30 pm. A little late, but it was so good.
 

I haven't been on a computer for a whole week, but a lot has been happening and it's been FUN.

I got through my final and my two papers without too much sleep deprivation.. well, that's a lie, there WAS a lot of sleep deprivation. But I survived it. On Wednesday, to celebrate the completion of the quarter's work, there was a Storytime at Heather's house which I went to. I invited Ricardo, since it seemed like exactly the thing he needed: a retreat to childhood. Just to leave the present behind and immerse ourselves in childhood memories, simple language, and silliness. He accepted, and even brought along some Brazilian chocolate to share with the people there. We went to dinner, where Edith and the Porter people were, and were talking and laughing with them. I was extremely relieved to see Ricardo smiling and happy again. Later, waiting for the bus, he told me that he'd been in a depressive "hole" on purpose, but now he'd decided that he didn't want to be there any longer and was going to try to dig himself out a bit. Starting with Storytime.

We got there, and it was indeed an excellent night - EXACTLY what we needed. Everybody was overjoyed to have Ricardo and his chocolate, and we all got tea and started reading, curled up on blankets and pillows and assorted stuffed animals. The stories that we read were HILARIOUS. One of them was a bit inappropriate for children, despite being a children's book, and we could not stop laughing and groaning as the pages were turned and more traumatizing plot line was revealed. It was a book from Prague called "The Mole and Mother" and it was meant to teach kids about the facts of life and pregnancy. Well, you can imagine. But I'll describe some of it anyway: the main characters were Mobtail and Bobtail, and Bobtail is "wooing" Mobtail, and then they finally get married and cuddle "so close that they became one" *shudder* and then at the wedding reception party, Bobtail notices that Mobtail stays fat and is pregnant... and then when she gives birth, the pictures actually SHOW her giving birth... with a vagina and everything. EWWW! We were all laughing hysterically and giving each other shocked and traumatized looks. Another book taught how to use the "potty" and that one was funny too: Ricardo threw his head back and laughed at one illustration where the princess is showing an old man her potty with "stuff" in it and saying: "The potty's where it's at." At the beginning of our storytime, we read a couple of fables, and one of them was particularly bad. The moral was that love can be good for itself. But it was such a bad, depressing story. Basically, the main character loves someone, and the story is that the character simply admires the one they love from afar and never makes a move and the one they love eventually moves on and nothing ever happens except that the main character gets the experience of "love for itself"... which, if you've ever been in an unrequitted love, you know is horribly depressing and not at all a nice experience.

Not all the stories were ridiculous or bad, though. I really, really liked two Shel Silverstein books: The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets The Big O. In fact, I liked them so much, that I'd like to buy them and have them for myself. And one other book was really good, as well: The Hungry Thing. I thought that one was creative and well done. The premise is that there is a Hungry Thing (a creature, monster-looking thing), and it has a sign that says "FEED ME" and the townspeople try and feed it. They ask what it wants to eat, and it says things like "mancakes" and the people try to figure out what they are, until a boy thinks: "Mancakes... sound like... lancakes... sounds like... PANCAKES!!!" and then they give the Thing pancakes and move on to the next food. At the end, they finally catch on and feed it everything and it finally gets full and hangs up a new sign: Thank You! Petey, one of the people reading the story in our group, said: "So basically, you can be as greedy as you want, as long as you're polite." Lovely moral.

We had a really good time that night. We also met some new people: Alexander, who had a big plastic penguin named Washington that he carries around with him and plays the recorder. He lives at Porter and is really nice. I saw him before I left school on Thursday, and he invited me to go to full moon (despite the fact that it was raining).

I gave Ricardo and Silvia a ride home, and the whole way, we had the music on, and it was pouring outside. We stopped at In-N-Out burger along the way, and then I drove for a couple of hours, trying to find a good music station, while Ricardo and Silvia kept trying to get me to go to the channel where they were playing Christmas songs. It was the best ride home I've had. After dropping off Silvia, Ricardo came with me to my house, and stayed the night. He ended up staying the weekend, too. The weekend went a little something like this:

Since it was raining most of the weekend, we were stuck inside, but rather than hindering us, I think this was a plus. We played a lot of board games and DDR and watched a movie. I introduced him to Mary, and they seemed to get along very well. They had a really long conversation about Sims, a computer game, which they shared a common interest in, and then later in the night, they were talking about soap operas, and got into a big mock-fight, Chinese-style. It was VERY funny to watch. I think they were very well-matched. Then the next day, we went to Jean's house. There we discussed Asian secrets, laughing the whole time, and then played Wii. Jean's brother, Andy, was extremely nice, as usual, and made us all dinner. Then Ricardo and Andy played a game, and were playing it for several hours. They only got about a third of the way through. We played DDR with the Wii Mii's - it was hilarious. We created Wii characters for each of us, and then found out that you could dress them in whatever outfit you wanted for DDR. The only thing was, all the female outfits were extremely slutty, and my character looked absolutely ridiculous in them: just imagine me with a revealed middriff, huge boobs, and a tiny waist, in a pink or flowery Japanese komono or dress of some sort. So I ended up putting my character in a guy's outfit. And Ricardo, well... he thought it was HILARIOUS that he could have his character with a female body, so he picked the most outrageously slutty and feminine pink komono to dress his character in. It was his face, 5 o'clock shadow and all, on a woman's body in a dress. He failed a couple of songs laughing at it.

The final day, we just played a lot of board games, and then decided to go for a walk. We went to Borchard Park, and then walked through my high school. I told him high school stories as we walked. And then we went and rented a ridiculous movie: Idiocracy, I think. We went to dinner with Mary to visit Jean at the sushi place she works at now, and then retired for the night.

On Monday, we set out for Pasadena, Ricardo's hometown. He showed me some yearbooks and photo albums before his family came home, and then I got to meet all his siblings. His sister seemed quiet, but once she warmed up to me, she was just as obnoxious as my own sister. His brother was exactly like my brother, only, with better taste in music and with computer games instead of Xbox. And as for his parents, his dad was kind of aggressive and seemed to like to shout everything and scold people, though he did lighten up and started whistling at one point. His mom was VERY nice - like my mom, in fact. Very inviting and just pleasant to be around in general.

It's amazing how similar our lives are, me and Ricardo. He showed me his old school, and it was like my old school. His family was very similar to mine as well. It's like we're twins of another dimension, with only a few differences keeping us from being blood relations and exactly the same.

In fact, over this last week, it kind of got to the point where I felt like family. I felt like he should have been my brother, and I should have been his sister. And I'm quite sure that if he were not gay, we would have made an EXCELLENT couple. As it is, it's an amazing friendship, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything. Just the fact that I can spend a whole week with him and not get bored or annoyed tells me that what we've got is something beyond your ordinary friendship. I even said so as I was leaving the other night: "I spent a whole week with you, and never got bored." And he agreed, and we both shared a moment of wonder at such an awesome thing. Usually, the only person I can spend that much time around is my own brother, Craig. Not even Mary can accomplish such a thing. I'm pretty sure that if I spent a week with Mary, one of us would soon need some alone time. It's not that we're not just as good of friends: just that, too much of anything, even a good thing, tends to be bad. The fact that Ricardo is somehow the exception to that rule is what astonishes me.

On Tuesday, we went to Disneyland. Toro invited us the other week, and his friend's mother works there, so she was able to sign us in for free. We went to California Adventure first: The Tower of Terror, The Roller Coaster, Mullholland Madness, Soarin' Over California. Then we transitioned to Disneyland - first, we watched the Christmas parade, then we went on rides: Thunder Mountain, The Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Carribbean, Indiana Jones. We stopped to watch the amazingly well choreographed and inspirational fireworks show which Toro had a weakness for. And then we finally went on Space Mountain and the Buzz Lightgear ride before leaving the park to dinner at Del Taco (since that was the only thing open). It was an awesome day, we had so much fun. I'm glad that Toro invited us. I love Toro.

I stayed at Ricardo's for another night, since it was late, and then during the day, he drove me around to see places: his school, a street where they decorated all the trees, a mansion where "the ice cream family" lives that had amazing decorations, a trailhead that lead to a waterfall... he wanted to show me more, but we had to take Rafael, his brother, to the DMV to get his permit, and the DMV is crazy, so our plans were stopped in their tracks. But his brother passed the test. We went back to his house, where his sister monopolized Ricardo and made us play games with her, which she tried to cheat on. We all went to dinner, and after a couple games and some DDR, I finally left for home.

So here I am today, back at home. It's been a great first week. Hopefully the other two will measure up to half of this one. If they are, then I'm sure to have a great break.

By the way: the title I chose for this entry has significance. At Disneyland, we were remarking on how everything is fake: the decorations, the characters, the rides, the stores, the food... even the vanilla smell that they pump out of vents on Main St. to stimulate your sensory memory. Convincing, but fake. As we were heading back to the car, Ricardo said: "Back to the real world." I added to that by saying: "You mean, back to the world where everything isn't fake?" He started laughing with his wonderful, whole-hearted, throw-your-head-back laugh and gave me not one, but two high fives. "Nice one!" he said.

Thinking about it now... Disneyland is nice every once in a while. But when it comes down to it, what matters is what's outside of it. And I'm glad to have such an awesome reality to return to. A beautiful friendship with Ricardo.

And you know what? It isn't fake.
 

Sunday and Monday, I was isolated from the world cranking out my ten page paper. I turned it in yesterday, 10 minutes before it was due, right after a printer failure (that ALWAYS happens), with enough time to see the AMAZING sunset on east field, with bright pink and orange clouds, and one large, wind-blown super cloud over the ocean, which you could tell was raining heavily. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. And it was so clear, too. I could see all the way across the bay, where there weren't any large clouds blocking the view. It had been raining earlier, so the sky was crystal.

BUT it was FREEZING! The high yesterday was 42 degrees. One of my friends said that in the morning, when it was raining, it had been raining icy slush. BRR! This is the coldest it's ever been here, in my experience.

I invited Ricardo to get a brief dinner on Sunday and he accepted, so at least he is able to function on some level. he wasn't very lively or talkative - in fact, he resembled a zombie - but he was able to interact some and tell me about his day and ask me some questions about mine. Poor guy. Well, my mission for this break is to help him have some fun - I want to see that smile and laugh back on his face. Hopefully, with the help of Mary, and a little distance from the school, I'll be able to do this. Also, Toro will be there, too, and already invited us to Disneyland. I'm hoping that a little time with his closest friends will bring him back around.

In addition to having dinner with him, I've been sending him text messages in the hopes of distracting him and letting him know that he's loved. I sent him an "accidental" text on purpose: it was a response to Mary, whom I'd been texting about something like rain and flying monkeys and how she was melting. So I ended up sending Ricardo the text: "If you melt, I'll just bring you back up here and you'll freeze again." Bizarre enough to be amusing and maybe make him smile a bit? Perhaps. He responded with some funny emoticons, so I think it was a success. And then when I finished my paper, I texted him my happiness, and then when my printer failed I texted him my horror: "NOOO... PRINTER FAILURE!!" He responded with a laugh, and I said it wasn't funny... but, of course, it was. I'd meant it to be. I mean, I hadn't meant for my printer to fail, but it was ample opportunity to amuse my friend who wasn't doing so great and perhaps needed the amusement. Then I ran to the computer lab and ran to catch a bus and finally got to turn my paper in. And then I texted him about the gorgeous sunset, but he didn't respond to that. I hope he got to see it, though. It truly was amazing.

Anyhow, I'm off to the gym - today was a godsend for me because I have absolutely nothing to do today. And yesterday I was so tired from going to bed at 3:30 am and waking up at 7 am for a final and ten writing a paper until 5pm, that I actually went to bed very early for me (11). And then today, I slept until 2pm, woke up remembering the dream I'd had, wrote it down, and was very happy. It was about me going to a new school and discovering I had special powers, and finding another person who had special powers (who looked like Ricardo) and becoming a couple with him and having a child somehow. We went home for winter break and my home was above a chocolate shop on a Christmassy street. My dad then accused me of getting pregnant with someone at home. But the best part of the dream was me and my love taking our time arriving home, swinging high above the sleepy town at night like spider man and talking together, like I'd done so many times in real life with Ricardo. It was a very nice dream.

So now I'm going to work out some, then work on my creative writing portfolio inside, with the heater going, and some hot chocolate. Sounds like a pretty damn nice day.





 

It would have been a perfect night, had not the drama unfolded. I took a long, hard nap today, and woke up when Toro arrived at my place - I hadn't expected him to come over. We waited a while then called Ricardo who happened to be in Kresge at the time, and we all walked over to the dining hall, where we spent the better part of two hours talking at the dinner table and slowly eating food. It was a very, very pleasant time, and Ricardo and Toro agreed.

Ricardo had had a strange day, and needed to talk it over. The person who he'd made an attempt with previously had contacted him today after months of nothing and invited him over (with a "winky" face - not a good sign). Ricardo wasn't feeling good about this, but he went over anyway, and sure enough, the person wanted to uh... "have some fun". But Ricardo, despite being attracted, stood his ground and said no, he didn't want to do that and he was in a relationship now, but he appreciated the gesture. And then later, more drama, and not the good kind: he'd gotten a text from Kevin Yu saying "We need to talk." Never a good sign. So he'd spent the whole day worrying over that. Fortunately, he was able to talk it over with us and stop worrying for a little while, and we talked about other things, like family and planning a trip over the break (since Toro will also be in SoCal).

Then we went looking for an event called a "regression" - not an economic regression, but a regression back to one's childhood. They had childish games, a bounce house, crayons to color with, etc. Well... they would have had that stuff, if it had been tonight. Instead, we got there and found it empty, and then checked the sign and found out that it had been yesterday. But it was okay - we had a nice little adventure through the dark forest path behind College 9/10, and that was a pretty nice experience. Stumbling through the pitch darkness trying not to trip over sticks and stones, me with an arm around Toro in case I tripped. Then we went back to my place to watch Wonder Woman, and Kim was there watching Harry Potter, so we went into my room for a while and talked.

Eventually we joined Kim in watching the movie and talking. And that was when Kevin Yu showed up at the door - I assume Ricardo had been texting him - and they went outside to talk. Me and Toro sat inside worrying over them. They were outside for a very long time. Kim left. Finally, Ricardo came back in, but he was very quiet and somber. He went to the bathroom, and he was there for a longer time than usual, which is how we knew that it hadn't gone well for him. He came back in without saying a word. Me and Toro were trying to pick an episode of Wonder Woman to watch. We finally got it to work and the show began. Ricardo was still really quiet. But as the cheesy 80's sound effects and bad slow motion came on, he was able to laugh a little and make fun of the bad quality of the old show.

When the episode ended, there was just silence. Me and Toro didn't know what to say, and Ricardo wasn't looking like he wanted to speak. All I could ask was "Are you okay?" He was all curled up on the futon in a fetal position and looked extremely vulnerable and sad. I wish there was something I could have done to comfort him more, but I didn't want to impose. Finally, Toro left because it was late, saying as he left that if Ricardo needed anything, he could call at any time. Then after a few minutes, Ricardo decided to go home, too. He said he probably wouldn't sleep, but there wasn't much else he could do, and he didn't want to stay with me and ruin my night. He said something to the effect that Kevin had told him that he would only ever like him as a friend. So it's not that bad. But still, it's horrible to see Ricardo, who was so happy before, have this happen to him. I'm afraid that with this second bad experience, it might be a bit hard on him. He was saying earlier that he thought he deserved a relationship, and was afraid that it would end. It sucks that he was right.

So I don't really know what to do. I hope he's okay - that a little time alone will help him to recover somewhat. I hope this experience doesn't get him down too much. He really is a great guy, and he really does deserve better. Also, I hope he doesn't do anything stupid with that other guy who called him today. He's in a really vulnerable position right now, and I feel like that guy contacting him today was really bad timing and could potentially cause a lot of harm.

Anyways, I also had kind of an odd start to my day - Kevin called and wanted to hang out. I was extremely tired from staying up so late, but I said yes anyway because I haven't seen Kevin in a really long time. It was as I expected: he arrived and we sat in the living room. I tried to fill in the silence with some non-strained conversation and was semi-successful. It was harder to keep this up for a whole two hours, but I didn't do too bad. We ended up going to the dining hall, though Kevin didn't eat, and I tried to keep talking about interesting things. It's just so hard to keep up a conversation that's so one-sided. I have a lot to say, but Kevin - he always seems to be the same, he never has anything new to say, or anything that he's really excited about. And I think that's the problem. I just want to say something to make him excited or interested, and I can never really seem to accomplish that. He's always so distant from everything I say, though he listens attentively and nods and smiles and laughs at appropriate times and asks the appropriate follow-up questions. He's good at "nice" but he never puts in his own two cents, never says anything that I couldn't figure out for myself. I wish he'd take a chance and tell me something new.

After Kevin left, I just went right back to sleep.

After Ricardo left, all I want to do is go back to sleep. I don't like sad things. My way of dealing with stuff like that is to go to sleep - or, if I can't sleep, to sit in bed and stare into the darkness while I think things through and run over all the scenarios in my head.

Hopefully Ricardo will be feeling better soon - and then he has the whole break coming up, and his friends will be there for him, so that should help a lot. I really hope so. I don't like seeing my friends sad. I really, really don't.
 

I was in a very odd sort of funk tonight that led to strange moments, some of them boring and sleepy, others surreal and cold, and many more that were extremely silly. For much of the night last night, I was very excited, and almost couldn't fall asleep for excitement (much like Ricardo - he says he hasn't been sleeping well in excitement over having a boyfriend). I'm excited because on Thursday, I'll be going home, but Ricardo will be getting a ride home with me. Which means a boring drive that won't be so boring anymore. Also, he'll have to stay the night at my house, since we're leaving late... and as for what comes after, we're still working out the details. But basically, what we want to do is, Ricardo wants to spend some time with me at my place, and then I want to get Mary and Jean and take all of us to Pasadena to meander around town, and visit at Ricardo's place for a while. Should be awesome - the two awesomest people I know and Jean (Jean may not be my best friend, but she's a very good friend - quiet, like Kevin Yu, but lovable and and good to hang out with).

But anyway, I spent all last night pent up about asking my dad if that would be okay - taking Ricardo home with me, I mean - and worrying about how my family would react, since I've never brought a person of the opposite sex to my house before. So I didn't sleep as much as I should've. And then when the next day finally came, I called... and caught my dad during my grandma's funeral service. Not only that, but my excitement was wasted - my dad was totally fine with it and didn't even ask any questions when I said "he". I was expecting them because, previously, whenever I mention anything "he" related, my dad and step-mom have hinted about boyfriends. Not subtley, might I add. But anyways... it was really anticlimactic, and then my excitement took a nose-dive after that.

Which leads me to tonight. After work, I went to an arts and crafts event with Toro and Patrick, and painted myself a nice picture frame with stars on it and stamped designs. I also took with me a dream-catcher making kit. I went home and tried to make a dream-catcher for an hour, half succeeding and half failing, before finally calling it quits and calling Ricardo, who'd said that, if I'd wanted, he would be free to hang out after 8pm. When I called, he was still at the potluck he was attending, but he invited me over. My arrival seemed to be the cue for everyone to leave - or, if they didn't leave, to go into the kitchen and start drinking. They made Ricardo a shot, too, and pressured him into taking it. He sniffed it reluctantly, looked me in the eyes in a kind of "Well?" expression which I responded to with a scowl and look of amused disbelief. Then, candy-cane in mouth to deflect the taste, he took it in small gulps, cringing until it was gone. I thought to myself: Oh no. I could tell where this would go next. Anyone who knows how Ricardo gets when he's had sugar would know better than to give him alcohol.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before the shot kicked in, the small group of people stood in the kitchen and talked about celebrities and drinking and sex. I myself stood in a corner, rolled my eyes internally a bit, groaned and sat down. It was like last year all over again - watching my apartment-mates drink as the silent outsider. I was really bored and uninspired. All I wanted was to go home and sit on the futon and work on my dream-catcher some more in the silence. I really wasn't in the mood for company tonight, if I must be honest. I should've left and gone home and relaxed and taken a break from socializing and Ricardo - I love Ricardo, but I've seen him much too much this week. I feel like I need a night to myself to recharge so that our next outting can be more enjoyable.

But I didn't go home. I stayed and waited it out as Ricardo got sillier and sillier and tried to join in the conversation. Ocassionally, he's see me out the corner of his eye and lean over and ask if I wanted to leave - I said I was fine, since I didn't want to take him away from his friends if he wanted to stay. Finally, it came to the point where Ricardo finally said goodbye and we left. But by the time, I was feeling so dull and apathetic towards everything that it wasn't much fun anyway. We tried to decide where to go. Ricardo wanted to see Kevin, but he wasn't responding. So we walked in Kevin's direction, towards the location of the play he'd been attending that night. Me and Ricardo ended up staying there and watching the second showing of the play: The UCSC version of "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

And here's where the night got a bit surreal: 1) The shot that Ricardo had comsumed kicked in, and he started laughing at weird things really loudly in strange accents and tones, and hooting and hollering, etc. There was one point where he did this one laugh... it was so funny, almost to the point where it was embarrassing. A kind of evil "Tee-hee-hee-hee!!!" that sounded somewhat like a cross between a witch's cackle and a horse whinnie. It was ridiculous. And he went on in this kind of thing for the rest of the night. Normally, I'd be fine with it, but this night, I don't know why, but I wasn't feeling up to anything. 2) I saw all my Crown friends there for the first time in about a month. i also saw many other people who I sorta-kinda-knew who'd forgotten me and didn't say hi anymore. I pointed them out to Ricardo, and he pointed out a few odd people he knew, too, such as the guy he'd made an attempt with the previous quarter. I also saw Heather and her group of theater friends there, and I said hi to them and introduced Ricardo to Heather. Then we watched the show - it was pretty good. Funny, really great characters, a really good portrayal of the story. Ricardo was next to me the whole time making not-so-funny jokes and laughing in loud, almost fake sounding "Ha! Ha! Ha's!" So I couldn't help but roll my eyes and laugh at him.

After the show, Ricardo finally got a hold of Kevin, so we headed over to Kevin's friend's apartment in Crown where they were watching the classic Disney movie Beauty and the Beast. This was when the night began to pick up for me - sort of. I liked this private, more personal atmosphere much better. The people there were friendly and jumped right into friendliness and conversation with me without hesitation, unlike the people at the potluck, who'd pretty much treated me like a non-entity and hadn't said a word to me the whole time I was there. So we had a good time watching the movie and making comments and cracking jokes about the plot and characters and songs and it was great fun. Ricardo was still a bit silly, but at least it was better placed now - when Gaston fell of the tower at the end of the movie, he laughed so hard and loud, and practically yelled joyously "And he falls into the abyss!! Take THAT Gaston!!!" I rolled my eyes and laughed as the others shot him strange, amused looks.

Then Kenny, one of the residents there, offered us wine after the movie was over. At first I declined, saying that I didn't really drink much. But then Ricardo stepped up with this mischievious look on his face and said: "Should I have some? I kind of want to - then I can stay in this great mood longer." Adn then he helped himself to a cup of the stuff. I watched him sip the wine and groaned a little, but this time in jest, since I was in a better mood. I joked around with him saying "I should have some myself just so that I can handle you in your happy drunk mode." But I guess it wasn't really a joke, since a minute later, I was helping myself to a glass. I think Ricardo was concerned about this, since he said something about "pressuring you into it" - I guess he thought that he'd made me drink? But whatever. It was a strange night, I was in a weird mood, and this weird mood was condusive to drinking. I didn't really care what I did, and I really did kind of want to try drinking socially - namely, with Ricardo, since then I would actually get to interact with someone, rather than sitting in a corner. So I had a glass. I took it in small gulps, following each gulp with a spoonful of chocolate pudding that Kenny had generously offered to me as a snack. I did not like the taste of wine. Big surprise. But I drank my whole glass and finished it off with a series of chocolate-wine burps... appetizing, I know.

Kevin left, so it was just me, Ricardo, and Kenny. We sat in the living room and talked for a pretty good time until Ricardo finally started to crash a bit, and we were all lulled into a sleepy mode. So around 2 am, we finally left to shuffle our way home in the cold, all the way across the longest part of campus. The walk home was too quiet, and I felt weird. I've felt kind of weird in those kind of silences with Ricardo ever since admitting to him that I did like him before because whenever he's quiet like that it usually means that he's thinking about something of that nature. For the last couple of days, one of these type of silences was always followed by a "Are you sure you're okay with it?" or an "I feel so bad about that" and so now I'm always thinking about him thinking about that, and it makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like he's always analyzing me now for signs that I might still like him or am bitter towards him or something. For instance, he probably took the drinking thing that way - he knows I don't drink much. I even refused a drink before he accepted. But really, it's not about that - it's just that I'm in one of those weird moods that happens every now and then. Probably the result of being so ridiculously excited and after this long week of sleep deprivation. That combination, I feel, has to lead to some kind of downer, some kind of funk like I had tonight. Wine was just a thing to do that might make the funk less prominent. I really wasn't in the mood to socialize - so I drank a little to make socializing easier so I wouldn't have to work so hard at it.

But Ricardo seems to attribute everything I do now to something emotional. I sighed today, and he asked, "Are you okay?" I replied - yes, I sigh because I'm tired. And he said that whenever I'm quiet like that, he always wonders what I'm thinking. And now that he knows I liked him, everything has that kind of tint to it, like he can't take anything I do as just a friend anymore, like he has to ask himself: "Is she doing this because she likes me still?" And I kind of don't like it. For instance, while we were watching the show, it was pretty cold because the show was outdoors, and the crowd was all squished together on the ground. I kind of wanted to put an arm around Ricardo and cuddle for warmth, but I didn't do it because I feel like, now, he would take that as me wanting to be "closer" to him or something. But in reality, it's just for warmth - it's something that, with other friends, I would do without thinking. But in the end, I just wrapped my arms around my legs and shivered my way through the show because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

Why do little actions like that have to be so complicated? Ricardo reads so much into "signals" like that - I yawn, I put an arm around him, I have a drink, I say something about a past experience - and he automatically tries to think about what I'm "really" saying beneath all those things. I guess he's pretty good at it, because he could tell without me saying or hinting, that I liked him. But now, it's just a hinderance. I don't want to have to think about every little thing I do as having emotional significance. Sometimes, I just want to do things to do them. There's no logic or meaning in it at all. And this night, this mood, if the prime example of that. When I'm like this, I just don't want to think about it. I do stupid things because I do not care, I just want to get through the night.

God, what a funky night. It's only when I'm in weird "what the hell" kind of moods like this that I've had alcohol. I don't really like it when I'm in moods like this. I really should've just gone to bed. Anyways... I want to go eat something, but it's 4 in the morning. So I dunno... I think tomorrow I'll sleep in until about 2 pm, then wake up and go to the gym. And then in the evening, Toro invited me, Ricardo, and Kevin to watch episodes of Wonder Woman with him. That should be good. Nice, relaxed, not too demanding. Hopefully it won't be so much of a social overload for me like today.

Well, goodnight. It's way too late. I need to brush the wine taste off my tongue - I wasn't really drunk, just rosy-cheeked and warm. I only had a small amount, not even enough to be very buzzed. Just enough to, you know, relax a little and smile some more, and join in with Ricardo's silliness rather than trying to deflect it.

I'll give you this, though: chocolate pudding is definitely better than wine.
 

For me personally, as a sexual, and for many other sexuals I know, romance and sexual attraction are interwoven. I have to be sexually attracted to a person to want to be in a romantic situation/relationship with them. I know some asexuals are aromantic, but for those who DO desire romance, I find it interesting that it is separate from sexual attraction. That does not mean that sex has to necessarily follow a romantic gesture, but to me, romance is SEXY. Without sexual attraction attempts at romance feels out of place/silly.

I had a HUGE discussion about this with my roommates about a month ago - it lasted about an hour. Basically, they all said the same thing as you: that sexual attraction was almost a prerequisite for a romantic relationship. I was the only one at the table who argued the opposite side: that you could connect with someone romantically without being sexually attracted to them. Basically, I just asked them this question: If there was a guy (or girl) who had everything you were looking for - was perfect in every way - except for sexual attraction, and he loved you and wanted to be with you, would you still refuse a relationship with him?

That question kind of helped them to see how it might be possible to love someone without initial sexual attraction. But, to elaborate...

A romantic relationship for me is very, very similar to a very intimate friendship. The difference is that defining it as a relationship gives you this sense of security and love that a mere friendship doesn't provide. For instance, with just a friendship, often times my friends get into their own romantic relationships, and even though they're still friends with me, that makes them more distant from me and not as connected. And I feel like it would be really nice to have someone where I wouldn't have to worry about that, where we could love each other in every way the same as other couples do and ackowledge that we want to stay together out of love for one another. I feel like a connection like that would be a really valuable and special thing to have.

Does this make sense?

I don't really need to be sexually attracted to someone to want that kind of an intimate life partner.

...

Since finding out yesterday that Ricardo now has a "budding relationship" as he puts it, my mind has kind of frozen in place wondering how this will effect our friendship and how it will effect me. My reaction to his news was totally positive: I really am very happy to see Ricardo and Kevin together. It makes my heart all warm inside to see them so bright and happy. It's also kind of funny to watch them explore this new relationship: Kevin being interrogated on Facebook, Ricardo running around with this new smile on his face, Ricardo actually losing sleep because he's so excited and happy. Whenever I talk to or see either of them, I get this big smile on my face.

But when I'm by myself, other thoughts creep in. Now both of my best friends have boyfriends, which makes me a 3rd or 5th or whatever number wheel... basically, I'm the odd one out, the only single person left. And just being by myself and knowing that they're so happy with one another, it kind of makes me sad... as I told Ricardo today: "I'm not so much jealous as wistful." I no longer have my single ally, so now, again, I'm stuck being the "lonely" one.

I just wonder, when will I get my chance? If Ricardo had been straight or asexual, he probably would've been my perfect match. As it is, all my other male friends are gay - not many prospects. And I dislike the idea of dating or "looking" for romance. I don't want to force myself into a relationship. But I do WANT a relationship. I want someone I can depend on, who loves me, whom I love. I'm tired of being the one left behind while my friends pair up with their wonderful boyfriends and look so happy together. Where's my partner in life? Where's the person who'll always be next to me? Wheres the person I can cuddle up with on the couch when I watch movies? Where's the person I can joke with and poke and tease without worrying if I'm crossing the line between friendship and relationship? I'm tired of having to back off from the people I love to make room for boyfriends. It's not that they're not nice people, the boyfriends, but when they come in, where do I go? I hate those nights when I desperately want to talk to someone and I can't because my friend is on a date.

Sometimes, friendship just isn't enough.

Like now, for instance. I'd love to have someone with me here on my bed, someone to lean on and share warmth with and cuddle with. Someone I can share a silent affection with without worrying about the implications.

Will there be someone for me? Sometimes, it's hard to believe. But most of the time, I'm pretty optimistic - I know without really knowing that I'll have that connection someday. But it's a long time coming. And I'm getting tired of waiting. How many nights do I have to spend alone?

Will there be someone who understands me as well as my best friends do, and loves me in ways they can't? It seems like I've found everything I'm looking for in a relationship in Mary and in Ricardo - but we've got mis-matched orientations. Mary isn't interested in women - neither am I - and Ricardo isn't either. And I have the added complication of lacking sexual attraction, which most people find central to a relationship. I don't know how that will affect my romantic life, if I ever have one, but I hope I get to find out one day soon.

Ricardo says he feels bad about me liking him. He wishes that I had someone so I wouldn't feel so alone as his romance blossoms.

I wish I did too.

I'm so greatful to have a friend like Ricardo. He's the most open and honest person I know when it comes down to emotions and telling people how you feel. I'm glad he had the guts to say something. I think it's this feature that'll make him an excellent partner for anyone lucky enough to have him. He never leaves bad things unsaid to fester, but brings them up to make sure that they aren't hurting anyone and gets rid of them entirely.

He asked whether I was sure I didn't still like him. I've been thinking about it, and the only honest answer is "I don't know." I obviously like him, but in what way? There's no sexual attraction, so it's really hard to tell the difference between a friend versus a potential romance. They're basically the same thing. Except that one in interested in staying with me and deepening the friendship, and the other looks for intimacy elsewhere.

I guess I was somewhat disappointed when I found out that Ricardo wasn't interested. I remember sitting in the dining hall with him and finally realizing that he was, indeed, gay. Finally having that confirmation. I kind of sunk a little, clammed up. I was caught off-guard by the truth of my own suspicions. Ricardo, perceptive as always, noticed and asked what what wrong. My voice shook a little as I said "nothing". In a way, I was glad to finally know. I wasn't too bummed, either. In fact, the next day, things were already looking up as I contemplated the new possibilities involved with having a gay best friend - the most obvious of which was the fact that I didn't have to worry about accidently crossing a sexual line. I could be a little more free with myself around him. And I could have fun - lots of fun. He was like my partner in fun, Ricardo. Still is.

The next blow came when I was speaking to Heather, my asexual friend. She also has a gay best friend, and she told me about how they had gone through a painful period where he had thought that she was getting too close to him and had tried to distance himself from her, finally setting a clear boundary between them. Especially after he got a boyfriend. After hearing this story, and the many similarities between her life and mine, I began to worry a bit that this would happen with Ricardo - that one day he'd get a boyfriend and push me away a little to make room, or that he'd think I was getting too attached and try to distance himself from me.

I thought I was fine with friendship. After all, from the beginning, before I ever knew that he was gay, I was already questioning the way I liked him: was it that I liked him romantically, or was it that I wanted to be his friend? Did I like him or was it just the fact that he was a guy and I'd never had a guy friend before? How could I tell what I wanted? The feelings were not nearly as strong for him as they were for my Kevin. It was more of a passing fantasy: "I wouldn't mind if he asked me out." "I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend." In fact, I actually thought I would quite enjoy it. I do like Ricardo - he's the best person I've ever met, next to Mary. But... did I like him that way?

Then I wrote off the romantic possibilities when I found out that I wasn't what he was looking for. I thought that would be fine. But then he asked if I liked him, and I had to tell him yes - even though I wasn't really ever sure for myself if I did. And then he got a boyfriend - and that tipped the scale for all this thought. Am I lonely because I'm the only single person? Or am I lonely because I DID like Ricardo and am sad that I didn't have that chance?

There are little signs that I still like him: when I see his name on my phone, I become more alert - my heart speed up just a tad. Not as much as Kevin. But enough for me to recognize that this person is special to me. Enough for me to feel a little high whenever I talk to him. I look for him when I walk places, too. I go to College 8 dining hall because that's where he's most likely to be. But is this just me looking for a friend or me looking for the one I have romantic feelings for? I don't know. I'll probably never know. It's not like it's some finite fact to be acquired through observation. It's emotion and it's complicated.

For now, I'm going to say that I'm just feeling lonely because of the stark contrast between me and him - me sitting here alone at night wondering what'll happen, and him smiling, giddy, with a sleep deprivation headache from happiness, with a love high.

Okay - I guess I am jealous. But it's not personal. I just want to know: where's my love high? Where's my budding romance?

I guess I just need to get out there and meet people and hope that one of them is as special as Ricardo or Mary. Hope that one of them is as good of a friend to me and understanding enough to accept me into their life and make a decision that they want to have me in their life. I hope I can find someone. It seems like such a great thing, so exciting.

One person described asexual romance as "a friendship on drugs". Now I don't drink or smoke or anything. But love? That's one kind of drug I'm all for trying.

I just hope that I get my chance.


...

Ricardo is so considerate of everyone's emotions, it astonishes me. Tonight, he said he still felt bad about me liking him before, and when I assured him that I was fine with it, he was still worried that I was lying and covering up my bitterness or something because he knows that I'm not very forthcoming with my emotions. I corrected him though: I may not be very forthcoming with my emotions, but I am very honest, and if someone asks me a question, I will answer in all honesty, to the furthest of my ability. That's why I told him that I had indeed liked him - if I had been the type to hide my emotions, I wouldn't have told him that. No way.

And then he wished that I had a partner, too, a romance of my own, so that he wouldn't have to worry about me as he embarks on his own romance. So considerate! How many friends, when they get boyfriends, voice a concern for your loneliness in the face of their new love? Not any that I've known. How many tell you that they wish you had someone too? It touches me that he'd be so worried about it, even though I've told him that I'm happy for him, even though I smile sincerely every time he mentions his new romance. Such a good person. So genuinely caring. Does he realize how much that means to me, that he asks things like this?

Also, a new development that makes me quite happy, if I can pull it off: Ricardo is getting a ride with me home, assuming my dad okays it, which I'm sure he will. I might have to endure some odd looks and some suggestive comments and concerns - this IS the first time I've brought a guy home, after all - but I'm willing to suffer through that if I get to spend a couple days with Ricardo. And it would obviously make him happy to have my company, too. He told me today: "What you said, about visiting me this break? Were you serious? Because I kind of took it that way..." And I said, yes, of course I was serious! I wanted to see him. It would be the highlight of my break, no doubt. And he seemed very happy with my response, which, in turn, made me happy.

Hopefully things will go smoothly: my dad will say yes, it won't be too awkward to have a male friend sleeping over, Mary (and possibly Jean) will be able to come with me to drop him off at home and have some fun. That would make my vacation, right there. To be able to spend that much time with the friends I love the most in all this world? Heavenly! The only thing I'm worried about is family: my dad is likely to give me some speech about how he can't sleep in my room, or how I have to have the door open if we're in the same room, etc, etc. And then Leah will probably be interested, too, and ask me questions when he's gone - probably ask: "So who was THAT? Your boyfriend?" And I don't even want to think about my little sister... oh god, I didn't even consider her. She's going to be a nightmare. Probably say out loud in her evil tone of voice: "Who's that? Your BOYFRIEND?!?" All mockingly. And then she'll probably tell all her little friends and make fun of us with them... I swear, that child represents all that I hated in little girls back in elementary/middle school.

Or, there's also the slim possibility that my dad will remember that I'm asexual and stay silent. But most likely not. And I can't really tell them that Ricardo is gay - not only does it invite awkward, prying questions, but Ricardo himself is not too comfortable with being out, and I don't want to have my dad acting strange about it.

Anyways, so those are my hopes. I'm crossing my fingers: may things go well!
 

Success! I knew Ricardo could do it. I only saw him for a few minutes today - he called up and asked to come over right as we were both leaving for class, so I only got to talk to him in the 30 minutes it took to travel to class. But I soon discovered why he was so eager to see me - he wanted to tell me his good news! He finally made a move with Kevin Yu, and it turned out well! I don't have many details, but he told me that his "move" was the one that he'd previously tried with bad results: the classic put-your-arm-around-their-shoulders maneuver. You know, the kind that you always see in movies about people seeing movies on a date where the guy tries to sneak his arm around the girl (or, in this case, guy)? I think that's funny. I would never be able to pull that off. It would feel too weird. But I guess whatever works, huh? Ricardo said that Kevin had liked him previously, and it was just up to him, for whatever reason, to make the first move. I'm glad things worked out for him. It makes me really happy to see him so happy.

I wish I'd gotten to talk to him more today, but he was busy and I was busy... hopefully we'll be able to see more of each other on the weekend.

On the other hand, I'm going to have to limit myself to this short missive, for I am very sleep deprived and it cannot be healthy. Last night I only got 4 hours of sleep, and I've been awake since 8 am (it's now 12:30 am). The previous night, I only got 3 hours of sleep (although, the nap I took during the day helped). I'm not going to get a full 8 hours, but I can at least shoot for 7.

So goodnight!
 

Yesterday, I battled with a spider - a huge wolf spider that I found in my room, right next to my pillow on my bed. It was FREAKY! It was about the size of my palm. I'll attach a picture for you. But anyways, it was fortunate that Imani had over a friend who was brave enough to take it outside because otherwise I'm sure I wouldn't have had the guts to go near it (and neither would Imani or Patrick, for that matter) and I would've surrendered my room to it and slept on the couch.

Today, I slept through my 12:30pm class - bad!! But before you think too bad of me, you should know that Imani also slept in through HIS 12:30 class, so I'm not the only one hungover from the holidays.

Tonight, though, tonight was worth talking about. As you know, because of the holiday, I hadn't seen Ricardo in a week (though I did speak to him on the phone for a pretty lengthy time) so tonight I was feeling restless after getting back from class at around 10pm, so I sent Ricardo a text asking if he might possibly want to go on a walk with me. I didn't receive a response right away, but I was going on a walk either way, so I headed out and decided to check my mail. I couldn't remember my combination, but by then, Ricardo had responded (to my delight) and had said to meet him at his place. So I headed down to Oakes. I knocked on his door and he answered, sneaking out the door and suggesting that we go to the little-known West Field - the equivalent to East Field, except smaller and to the West, obviously.

The moon was nearly full and so bright that one could actually see pretty well by it. We certainly didn't need a flashlight. We got to the field and sat down at the edge, laying in the grass to look up at the moon, which was so bright that I felt sunglasses would not be remiss. For a while we were both silent, and I felt like he must've been really tired and might not have wanted to come out after all. But then we got to talking quietly, and it became this very deep discussion about relationships and our experiences with liking people and being accepted/rejected by people and how we'd both evolved socially to arrive together on that field staring at the moon. He broke the silence first by asking me a question. "Do you mind if I ask you something? I've been wanting to ask you for a while now... but... did you ever... did you ever have feelings for me?" From the moment he opened his mouth, I could tell he was going to ask something very personal. Ricardo has this way of asking and saying things very bluntly - he doesn't dance around or censor himself like most people do. He just shoots. And this time, I knew he was going to ask that question - I could feel him working up to it over the last few months, every time he asked me about my relationships - I heard the silent question behind each one asking "Do you like me?" without ever really saying so. But now he'd actually said it in so many words and I'd have to respond. It was a no-brainer. A little embarrassing, perhaps, but I didn't hesitate.

"Honestly?" I said. "Yes. But not in the same way." (I'd been telling him about my Kevin before, so when I say "not in the same way", I mean, in comparison to what I felt for Kevin.)

He then told me that he'd thought so and that he'd been feeling kind of bad about it, thinking he'd rejected me or hurt my feelings or something. Especially after, he said, he told me about liking someone else. He'd been afraid that I'd liked him and would perhaps take it badly that he was gay or that he was interested in someone else. Which is really very nice of him. I quickly told him that I was perfectly fine and was very happy and satisfied with our friendship, and was glad that it turned out to be just a friendship. He had his doubts and asked if I was sure, but can honestly say that friendship is more than enough for me. Even before I knew he was gay, I'd been thinking about the way I liked him and wondering if I really liked him or if I just wanted to be his friend.

But either way, we got that out of the way and were that much closer for it. That conversation then opened up a plethora of other personal topics, not the least of which was our experiences with liking Kevins from Crown, which are so similar that we had to stop for a moment and think about how odd it was. Then we got into Ricardo's childhood experiences, and the reasons why he's not "out" about his being gay - he didn't want to have to deal with the stereotype of being gay and out of the closet, and I agree: I wouldn't have wanted to conform to that stereotype either. Then, since we'd both just returned from a week away, we got onto the topic of connections with people, and Ricardo said that, over the break, he'd actually really missed both me and Kevin Yu, and he'd never missed anyone that way before. He said that he'd felt like, over the break, that if he didn't call of contact us in some way that he'd failed as a person. I told him that I'd only felt that way about two people: him and Mary. But he still couldn't get over it because he'd never felt that way before and he was astonished by that fact. He said: "It's sad - I've lived for twenty years without really ever connecting with a single person." I told him that friends like that were rare, but he was still kind of depressed that his frist two decades of life were so lacking.

Anyways, I could go on and on about our conversation - it lasted for at least two hours - but it's really late and once again, I have an early class in the morning.

Goodnight!'