[Excuse the suggestive-ness of the title - and, incidentally, any comments saying "That's what she said" will be done away with.]

School has really begun now, and already I have a lot of reading to do. I spent a couple hours reading an essay this morning. I read about half of it, and then got tired of reading and decided to take a break. I called Silvia, who I was supposed to hang out with, but she didn't pick up. Then I called Trinnie, who I have yet to see this year, but she didn't answer either. Then I called Kevin - he answered, so then I went to meet him somewhere to hang out. When I got to the bookstore, he was there... but we had one problem: there's not much to do on campus on weekends besides walk around.We must've stood there awkwardly for about 5 minutes before finally deciding to go check out the Science Library, which supposedly has video games you can check out and play. But weren't able to figure out how to do that, but I remembered that I'd brought a frisbee this year, so we went to my apartment and got it, and played some frisbee on the patch of grass by my laundry room, talking a bit while we played. After that, we went inside and played some of Imani's X-box (he said we could use it). We played Tony Hawk's Skateboarding, the only game which I actually knew how to play from playing with my brother years ago. Regardless, Kevin still smoked me on all the 2-player games. I simply am not a video-game type of person. But it was fun, and then Kevin left and I talked to Mary for a good long while. I made some spaghetti, which I shared with Kim and her friend Huey from upstairs. WE sat around talking for a couple hours, and then I went on a night jog. When I got back, Kim and Imani were watching a movie, The Peaceful Warrior, which I'd seen before, but I joined them - it's a pretty good movie, kind of similar to The Karate Kid, if you've ever seen that. It's a very philosophical movie with a strong message - very deep. But towards the end of the movie, when one is supposed to sit back in awe of the deepness of the message, Kim simply said: "Damn, that guy's got deep armpits!!" And then me and Imani broke out into laughter. "You watch this deep, philosophical movie, and all you have to say is, 'he's got deep armpits'?!?" It was pretty funny.

What I realized today is that Kevin does not interest me so much anymore. He's fine to hang out with, but not much else. What I mean to say is that, while I don't think I'll ever be completely over him, I'm over him enough to know that I'm not interested in a relationship anymore. I was examining our conversations from before, and I noticed a trend: they are all incredibly boring. The only thing that made them less boring was my previous infatuation with the guy himself. And that just doesn't seem like enough for me.

... Ricardo, on the other hand... there's not that strong of an infatuation as with Kevin, but there's more substance.

I was talking to Mary today, and one of the things I said to her, as I was thinking, was that I need to find someone who I can hang out with, and just hang out with. The kind of person where, when you meet up with them, you don't need to ask, "What do you want to do?" The kind of relationship where just being with each other is enough, and you don't need to do anything else. Anything else you do is only a side-attraction, a small distraction. I've got that with Mary, and I had that with my best friend Aryn when I was younger. We could just sit there for hours, and there wouldn't be any need to do anything else. I miss that so much. Unfortunately, that's really hard to find, especially in college where you never really see anyone regularly, and so can't develop a steady relationship with them, and so can't come to that level of comfort with another person. As a result, most of my relationships are pretty shallow and based on doing stuff more than on the relationship itself. Which is why I sometimes feel like my friendships are so unsatisfying here.

A best friend is someone who I can sit on my bed with, and we can both be happy with just being there. Kevin has already failed that test several times over, actually. And, I dunno, Ricardo isn't looking so good in that respect either. They're both "doing something" kind of people. Doing something is great, but what about those moments when you don't want to do anything, but just want to spend some time with someone? Mer. Why are those kind of people so hard to find? Katie was the only one I got last year, and she's now out of easy reach, too.

My second problem: no one ever calls me, and this makes me doubt whether or not people actually want to be friends with me. I understand that people are busy and whatnot, but really? If they wanted to see me or talk to me, they would contact me, right? This is the other thing that makes me feel lonely, and it's starting to really get to me. I really hope Ricardo doesn't fall under this category of people - that would most assuredly suck.

*sigh* Life was so much easier when I was too antisocial to care. What happened? Why can't I just ignore everybody contentedly, like I used to? I wish I could. That'd be nice.

... I bet you're tired of hearing about this. Sorry. I'm venting. I'm guess I'm just recently discovering that I really don't want to be single all my life.

This discovery stinks.