Is she his girlfriend?

Indeed, that is exactly what they thought - or, at least, Ricardo's mom did. I went to Ricardo's house yesterday at the ripe hour 5:30 am to spend the day with him while my dad was at work, while we were all in the car going to lunch, and Ricardo's mom was on the phone, and I heard her say something to the person on the other end about Ricardo's "girlfriend" being over at the moment. Ricardo didn't say anything about it, so I didn't either. And earlier his mom had invited me to their Christmas Eve dinner, as well. But anyway, I got to his house before the sun had even risen, and woke him up. We then sat on the couch together talking for a while - he showed me a couple of books on places in Brazil and told me about some of the places he'd been to. The book was in Portugeuse, so he didn't really want to translate everything, so he only told me about the places he knew. It was very interesting. Then Ricardo's mom made everybody waffles for breakfast, and afterwards Ricardo suggested that we play some video games. He wanted to play Super Smash Bros, but his sister was also there, and she wanted to play MarioKart, so, to appease her, that's what we played first. Because these are the old Nintendo64 games, I have played them before and am decent at them, so I was able to beat Ricardo a few times and actually have some fun playing them. Ricardo gets really into the Super Smash Bros, and he knows all the characters and what they do, so he was teaching me all their moves. I only know one character: Kirby. Because that's the only character that can fly. Otherwise, I have a tendency to accidentally commit suicide by falling off the island that we're fighting on. We both got really into the game, and by the time I stopped to look at the time, it was already noon. So we stopped playing and went to lunch, and after lunch, Ricardo drove me around Pasadena showing me places. We tried to go to the mall, but obviously it's two days before Christmas, and it's madness at the mall, so we couldn't even find a parking space. We went home instead, and then went on a hike to the waterfall in the canyon by his house. That was really cool. The trail crossed over the stream several times, so we had to balance on top of rocks trying not to fall in. I fell in anyway, and walked around with a wet shoe for the rest of the hike. But I enjoyed it very much and the waterfall was beautiful. Unfortunately, we were in a hurry, since my dad would be done with work soon, and we needed to get back to the house almost immediately after arriving at the waterfall. In fact, my dad beat us home by about 3 minutes.

I gave Ricardo his Christmas present, which he decided he wanted to open on Christmas day: "I like to save all the excitement of gift opening for one day." And then we went in the back and said goodbye to his dad and sister. I awkwardly hugged Ricardo goodbye in front of all of them, wondering what they were thinking. And then me and my dad left to sit in traffic for two hours.

Upon arriving home, I found my brother, recently arrived from Oregon, and his friend there. Also, my aunt was there. I'm happy to have my brother home to banter with again. He's really the closest match to me as far as a fun wordplay in a conversation goes. In fact, he'd called me while I was in the car with Ricardo, and we had immediately slipped into an English accent while talking, without even thinking about it. And when I got home, he knew how to counter all my sarcastic remarks and subtle jokes, how to add on to them and make them last to full effect. After his friend left, and we were bored, he suggested we play a game of his, wherein one person names a thing, and the next person must respond with something that counters it in some way, and so on. For example:

Me: Ball.
Him: Pin. (pin pops ball)
Me: Corkboard. (pin is stuck in corkboard)
Him: Fire. (fire burns corkboard).
Me: Water. (puts out fire)
Etc, etc.

It was really fun. My brother and I understand each other very well.

Speaking of my brother, he's just come back home from a friend's house. I should go and say hi. I didn't see him this morning because I slept through two alarm clocks and on into the afternoon until finally waking up with an arm covered in drool after the most delicious dreams (which I can't remember) at 3:30 pm. A little late, but it was so good.
 

I haven't been on a computer for a whole week, but a lot has been happening and it's been FUN.

I got through my final and my two papers without too much sleep deprivation.. well, that's a lie, there WAS a lot of sleep deprivation. But I survived it. On Wednesday, to celebrate the completion of the quarter's work, there was a Storytime at Heather's house which I went to. I invited Ricardo, since it seemed like exactly the thing he needed: a retreat to childhood. Just to leave the present behind and immerse ourselves in childhood memories, simple language, and silliness. He accepted, and even brought along some Brazilian chocolate to share with the people there. We went to dinner, where Edith and the Porter people were, and were talking and laughing with them. I was extremely relieved to see Ricardo smiling and happy again. Later, waiting for the bus, he told me that he'd been in a depressive "hole" on purpose, but now he'd decided that he didn't want to be there any longer and was going to try to dig himself out a bit. Starting with Storytime.

We got there, and it was indeed an excellent night - EXACTLY what we needed. Everybody was overjoyed to have Ricardo and his chocolate, and we all got tea and started reading, curled up on blankets and pillows and assorted stuffed animals. The stories that we read were HILARIOUS. One of them was a bit inappropriate for children, despite being a children's book, and we could not stop laughing and groaning as the pages were turned and more traumatizing plot line was revealed. It was a book from Prague called "The Mole and Mother" and it was meant to teach kids about the facts of life and pregnancy. Well, you can imagine. But I'll describe some of it anyway: the main characters were Mobtail and Bobtail, and Bobtail is "wooing" Mobtail, and then they finally get married and cuddle "so close that they became one" *shudder* and then at the wedding reception party, Bobtail notices that Mobtail stays fat and is pregnant... and then when she gives birth, the pictures actually SHOW her giving birth... with a vagina and everything. EWWW! We were all laughing hysterically and giving each other shocked and traumatized looks. Another book taught how to use the "potty" and that one was funny too: Ricardo threw his head back and laughed at one illustration where the princess is showing an old man her potty with "stuff" in it and saying: "The potty's where it's at." At the beginning of our storytime, we read a couple of fables, and one of them was particularly bad. The moral was that love can be good for itself. But it was such a bad, depressing story. Basically, the main character loves someone, and the story is that the character simply admires the one they love from afar and never makes a move and the one they love eventually moves on and nothing ever happens except that the main character gets the experience of "love for itself"... which, if you've ever been in an unrequitted love, you know is horribly depressing and not at all a nice experience.

Not all the stories were ridiculous or bad, though. I really, really liked two Shel Silverstein books: The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets The Big O. In fact, I liked them so much, that I'd like to buy them and have them for myself. And one other book was really good, as well: The Hungry Thing. I thought that one was creative and well done. The premise is that there is a Hungry Thing (a creature, monster-looking thing), and it has a sign that says "FEED ME" and the townspeople try and feed it. They ask what it wants to eat, and it says things like "mancakes" and the people try to figure out what they are, until a boy thinks: "Mancakes... sound like... lancakes... sounds like... PANCAKES!!!" and then they give the Thing pancakes and move on to the next food. At the end, they finally catch on and feed it everything and it finally gets full and hangs up a new sign: Thank You! Petey, one of the people reading the story in our group, said: "So basically, you can be as greedy as you want, as long as you're polite." Lovely moral.

We had a really good time that night. We also met some new people: Alexander, who had a big plastic penguin named Washington that he carries around with him and plays the recorder. He lives at Porter and is really nice. I saw him before I left school on Thursday, and he invited me to go to full moon (despite the fact that it was raining).

I gave Ricardo and Silvia a ride home, and the whole way, we had the music on, and it was pouring outside. We stopped at In-N-Out burger along the way, and then I drove for a couple of hours, trying to find a good music station, while Ricardo and Silvia kept trying to get me to go to the channel where they were playing Christmas songs. It was the best ride home I've had. After dropping off Silvia, Ricardo came with me to my house, and stayed the night. He ended up staying the weekend, too. The weekend went a little something like this:

Since it was raining most of the weekend, we were stuck inside, but rather than hindering us, I think this was a plus. We played a lot of board games and DDR and watched a movie. I introduced him to Mary, and they seemed to get along very well. They had a really long conversation about Sims, a computer game, which they shared a common interest in, and then later in the night, they were talking about soap operas, and got into a big mock-fight, Chinese-style. It was VERY funny to watch. I think they were very well-matched. Then the next day, we went to Jean's house. There we discussed Asian secrets, laughing the whole time, and then played Wii. Jean's brother, Andy, was extremely nice, as usual, and made us all dinner. Then Ricardo and Andy played a game, and were playing it for several hours. They only got about a third of the way through. We played DDR with the Wii Mii's - it was hilarious. We created Wii characters for each of us, and then found out that you could dress them in whatever outfit you wanted for DDR. The only thing was, all the female outfits were extremely slutty, and my character looked absolutely ridiculous in them: just imagine me with a revealed middriff, huge boobs, and a tiny waist, in a pink or flowery Japanese komono or dress of some sort. So I ended up putting my character in a guy's outfit. And Ricardo, well... he thought it was HILARIOUS that he could have his character with a female body, so he picked the most outrageously slutty and feminine pink komono to dress his character in. It was his face, 5 o'clock shadow and all, on a woman's body in a dress. He failed a couple of songs laughing at it.

The final day, we just played a lot of board games, and then decided to go for a walk. We went to Borchard Park, and then walked through my high school. I told him high school stories as we walked. And then we went and rented a ridiculous movie: Idiocracy, I think. We went to dinner with Mary to visit Jean at the sushi place she works at now, and then retired for the night.

On Monday, we set out for Pasadena, Ricardo's hometown. He showed me some yearbooks and photo albums before his family came home, and then I got to meet all his siblings. His sister seemed quiet, but once she warmed up to me, she was just as obnoxious as my own sister. His brother was exactly like my brother, only, with better taste in music and with computer games instead of Xbox. And as for his parents, his dad was kind of aggressive and seemed to like to shout everything and scold people, though he did lighten up and started whistling at one point. His mom was VERY nice - like my mom, in fact. Very inviting and just pleasant to be around in general.

It's amazing how similar our lives are, me and Ricardo. He showed me his old school, and it was like my old school. His family was very similar to mine as well. It's like we're twins of another dimension, with only a few differences keeping us from being blood relations and exactly the same.

In fact, over this last week, it kind of got to the point where I felt like family. I felt like he should have been my brother, and I should have been his sister. And I'm quite sure that if he were not gay, we would have made an EXCELLENT couple. As it is, it's an amazing friendship, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything. Just the fact that I can spend a whole week with him and not get bored or annoyed tells me that what we've got is something beyond your ordinary friendship. I even said so as I was leaving the other night: "I spent a whole week with you, and never got bored." And he agreed, and we both shared a moment of wonder at such an awesome thing. Usually, the only person I can spend that much time around is my own brother, Craig. Not even Mary can accomplish such a thing. I'm pretty sure that if I spent a week with Mary, one of us would soon need some alone time. It's not that we're not just as good of friends: just that, too much of anything, even a good thing, tends to be bad. The fact that Ricardo is somehow the exception to that rule is what astonishes me.

On Tuesday, we went to Disneyland. Toro invited us the other week, and his friend's mother works there, so she was able to sign us in for free. We went to California Adventure first: The Tower of Terror, The Roller Coaster, Mullholland Madness, Soarin' Over California. Then we transitioned to Disneyland - first, we watched the Christmas parade, then we went on rides: Thunder Mountain, The Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Carribbean, Indiana Jones. We stopped to watch the amazingly well choreographed and inspirational fireworks show which Toro had a weakness for. And then we finally went on Space Mountain and the Buzz Lightgear ride before leaving the park to dinner at Del Taco (since that was the only thing open). It was an awesome day, we had so much fun. I'm glad that Toro invited us. I love Toro.

I stayed at Ricardo's for another night, since it was late, and then during the day, he drove me around to see places: his school, a street where they decorated all the trees, a mansion where "the ice cream family" lives that had amazing decorations, a trailhead that lead to a waterfall... he wanted to show me more, but we had to take Rafael, his brother, to the DMV to get his permit, and the DMV is crazy, so our plans were stopped in their tracks. But his brother passed the test. We went back to his house, where his sister monopolized Ricardo and made us play games with her, which she tried to cheat on. We all went to dinner, and after a couple games and some DDR, I finally left for home.

So here I am today, back at home. It's been a great first week. Hopefully the other two will measure up to half of this one. If they are, then I'm sure to have a great break.

By the way: the title I chose for this entry has significance. At Disneyland, we were remarking on how everything is fake: the decorations, the characters, the rides, the stores, the food... even the vanilla smell that they pump out of vents on Main St. to stimulate your sensory memory. Convincing, but fake. As we were heading back to the car, Ricardo said: "Back to the real world." I added to that by saying: "You mean, back to the world where everything isn't fake?" He started laughing with his wonderful, whole-hearted, throw-your-head-back laugh and gave me not one, but two high fives. "Nice one!" he said.

Thinking about it now... Disneyland is nice every once in a while. But when it comes down to it, what matters is what's outside of it. And I'm glad to have such an awesome reality to return to. A beautiful friendship with Ricardo.

And you know what? It isn't fake.
 

Sunday and Monday, I was isolated from the world cranking out my ten page paper. I turned it in yesterday, 10 minutes before it was due, right after a printer failure (that ALWAYS happens), with enough time to see the AMAZING sunset on east field, with bright pink and orange clouds, and one large, wind-blown super cloud over the ocean, which you could tell was raining heavily. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. And it was so clear, too. I could see all the way across the bay, where there weren't any large clouds blocking the view. It had been raining earlier, so the sky was crystal.

BUT it was FREEZING! The high yesterday was 42 degrees. One of my friends said that in the morning, when it was raining, it had been raining icy slush. BRR! This is the coldest it's ever been here, in my experience.

I invited Ricardo to get a brief dinner on Sunday and he accepted, so at least he is able to function on some level. he wasn't very lively or talkative - in fact, he resembled a zombie - but he was able to interact some and tell me about his day and ask me some questions about mine. Poor guy. Well, my mission for this break is to help him have some fun - I want to see that smile and laugh back on his face. Hopefully, with the help of Mary, and a little distance from the school, I'll be able to do this. Also, Toro will be there, too, and already invited us to Disneyland. I'm hoping that a little time with his closest friends will bring him back around.

In addition to having dinner with him, I've been sending him text messages in the hopes of distracting him and letting him know that he's loved. I sent him an "accidental" text on purpose: it was a response to Mary, whom I'd been texting about something like rain and flying monkeys and how she was melting. So I ended up sending Ricardo the text: "If you melt, I'll just bring you back up here and you'll freeze again." Bizarre enough to be amusing and maybe make him smile a bit? Perhaps. He responded with some funny emoticons, so I think it was a success. And then when I finished my paper, I texted him my happiness, and then when my printer failed I texted him my horror: "NOOO... PRINTER FAILURE!!" He responded with a laugh, and I said it wasn't funny... but, of course, it was. I'd meant it to be. I mean, I hadn't meant for my printer to fail, but it was ample opportunity to amuse my friend who wasn't doing so great and perhaps needed the amusement. Then I ran to the computer lab and ran to catch a bus and finally got to turn my paper in. And then I texted him about the gorgeous sunset, but he didn't respond to that. I hope he got to see it, though. It truly was amazing.

Anyhow, I'm off to the gym - today was a godsend for me because I have absolutely nothing to do today. And yesterday I was so tired from going to bed at 3:30 am and waking up at 7 am for a final and ten writing a paper until 5pm, that I actually went to bed very early for me (11). And then today, I slept until 2pm, woke up remembering the dream I'd had, wrote it down, and was very happy. It was about me going to a new school and discovering I had special powers, and finding another person who had special powers (who looked like Ricardo) and becoming a couple with him and having a child somehow. We went home for winter break and my home was above a chocolate shop on a Christmassy street. My dad then accused me of getting pregnant with someone at home. But the best part of the dream was me and my love taking our time arriving home, swinging high above the sleepy town at night like spider man and talking together, like I'd done so many times in real life with Ricardo. It was a very nice dream.

So now I'm going to work out some, then work on my creative writing portfolio inside, with the heater going, and some hot chocolate. Sounds like a pretty damn nice day.





 

It would have been a perfect night, had not the drama unfolded. I took a long, hard nap today, and woke up when Toro arrived at my place - I hadn't expected him to come over. We waited a while then called Ricardo who happened to be in Kresge at the time, and we all walked over to the dining hall, where we spent the better part of two hours talking at the dinner table and slowly eating food. It was a very, very pleasant time, and Ricardo and Toro agreed.

Ricardo had had a strange day, and needed to talk it over. The person who he'd made an attempt with previously had contacted him today after months of nothing and invited him over (with a "winky" face - not a good sign). Ricardo wasn't feeling good about this, but he went over anyway, and sure enough, the person wanted to uh... "have some fun". But Ricardo, despite being attracted, stood his ground and said no, he didn't want to do that and he was in a relationship now, but he appreciated the gesture. And then later, more drama, and not the good kind: he'd gotten a text from Kevin Yu saying "We need to talk." Never a good sign. So he'd spent the whole day worrying over that. Fortunately, he was able to talk it over with us and stop worrying for a little while, and we talked about other things, like family and planning a trip over the break (since Toro will also be in SoCal).

Then we went looking for an event called a "regression" - not an economic regression, but a regression back to one's childhood. They had childish games, a bounce house, crayons to color with, etc. Well... they would have had that stuff, if it had been tonight. Instead, we got there and found it empty, and then checked the sign and found out that it had been yesterday. But it was okay - we had a nice little adventure through the dark forest path behind College 9/10, and that was a pretty nice experience. Stumbling through the pitch darkness trying not to trip over sticks and stones, me with an arm around Toro in case I tripped. Then we went back to my place to watch Wonder Woman, and Kim was there watching Harry Potter, so we went into my room for a while and talked.

Eventually we joined Kim in watching the movie and talking. And that was when Kevin Yu showed up at the door - I assume Ricardo had been texting him - and they went outside to talk. Me and Toro sat inside worrying over them. They were outside for a very long time. Kim left. Finally, Ricardo came back in, but he was very quiet and somber. He went to the bathroom, and he was there for a longer time than usual, which is how we knew that it hadn't gone well for him. He came back in without saying a word. Me and Toro were trying to pick an episode of Wonder Woman to watch. We finally got it to work and the show began. Ricardo was still really quiet. But as the cheesy 80's sound effects and bad slow motion came on, he was able to laugh a little and make fun of the bad quality of the old show.

When the episode ended, there was just silence. Me and Toro didn't know what to say, and Ricardo wasn't looking like he wanted to speak. All I could ask was "Are you okay?" He was all curled up on the futon in a fetal position and looked extremely vulnerable and sad. I wish there was something I could have done to comfort him more, but I didn't want to impose. Finally, Toro left because it was late, saying as he left that if Ricardo needed anything, he could call at any time. Then after a few minutes, Ricardo decided to go home, too. He said he probably wouldn't sleep, but there wasn't much else he could do, and he didn't want to stay with me and ruin my night. He said something to the effect that Kevin had told him that he would only ever like him as a friend. So it's not that bad. But still, it's horrible to see Ricardo, who was so happy before, have this happen to him. I'm afraid that with this second bad experience, it might be a bit hard on him. He was saying earlier that he thought he deserved a relationship, and was afraid that it would end. It sucks that he was right.

So I don't really know what to do. I hope he's okay - that a little time alone will help him to recover somewhat. I hope this experience doesn't get him down too much. He really is a great guy, and he really does deserve better. Also, I hope he doesn't do anything stupid with that other guy who called him today. He's in a really vulnerable position right now, and I feel like that guy contacting him today was really bad timing and could potentially cause a lot of harm.

Anyways, I also had kind of an odd start to my day - Kevin called and wanted to hang out. I was extremely tired from staying up so late, but I said yes anyway because I haven't seen Kevin in a really long time. It was as I expected: he arrived and we sat in the living room. I tried to fill in the silence with some non-strained conversation and was semi-successful. It was harder to keep this up for a whole two hours, but I didn't do too bad. We ended up going to the dining hall, though Kevin didn't eat, and I tried to keep talking about interesting things. It's just so hard to keep up a conversation that's so one-sided. I have a lot to say, but Kevin - he always seems to be the same, he never has anything new to say, or anything that he's really excited about. And I think that's the problem. I just want to say something to make him excited or interested, and I can never really seem to accomplish that. He's always so distant from everything I say, though he listens attentively and nods and smiles and laughs at appropriate times and asks the appropriate follow-up questions. He's good at "nice" but he never puts in his own two cents, never says anything that I couldn't figure out for myself. I wish he'd take a chance and tell me something new.

After Kevin left, I just went right back to sleep.

After Ricardo left, all I want to do is go back to sleep. I don't like sad things. My way of dealing with stuff like that is to go to sleep - or, if I can't sleep, to sit in bed and stare into the darkness while I think things through and run over all the scenarios in my head.

Hopefully Ricardo will be feeling better soon - and then he has the whole break coming up, and his friends will be there for him, so that should help a lot. I really hope so. I don't like seeing my friends sad. I really, really don't.
 

I was in a very odd sort of funk tonight that led to strange moments, some of them boring and sleepy, others surreal and cold, and many more that were extremely silly. For much of the night last night, I was very excited, and almost couldn't fall asleep for excitement (much like Ricardo - he says he hasn't been sleeping well in excitement over having a boyfriend). I'm excited because on Thursday, I'll be going home, but Ricardo will be getting a ride home with me. Which means a boring drive that won't be so boring anymore. Also, he'll have to stay the night at my house, since we're leaving late... and as for what comes after, we're still working out the details. But basically, what we want to do is, Ricardo wants to spend some time with me at my place, and then I want to get Mary and Jean and take all of us to Pasadena to meander around town, and visit at Ricardo's place for a while. Should be awesome - the two awesomest people I know and Jean (Jean may not be my best friend, but she's a very good friend - quiet, like Kevin Yu, but lovable and and good to hang out with).

But anyway, I spent all last night pent up about asking my dad if that would be okay - taking Ricardo home with me, I mean - and worrying about how my family would react, since I've never brought a person of the opposite sex to my house before. So I didn't sleep as much as I should've. And then when the next day finally came, I called... and caught my dad during my grandma's funeral service. Not only that, but my excitement was wasted - my dad was totally fine with it and didn't even ask any questions when I said "he". I was expecting them because, previously, whenever I mention anything "he" related, my dad and step-mom have hinted about boyfriends. Not subtley, might I add. But anyways... it was really anticlimactic, and then my excitement took a nose-dive after that.

Which leads me to tonight. After work, I went to an arts and crafts event with Toro and Patrick, and painted myself a nice picture frame with stars on it and stamped designs. I also took with me a dream-catcher making kit. I went home and tried to make a dream-catcher for an hour, half succeeding and half failing, before finally calling it quits and calling Ricardo, who'd said that, if I'd wanted, he would be free to hang out after 8pm. When I called, he was still at the potluck he was attending, but he invited me over. My arrival seemed to be the cue for everyone to leave - or, if they didn't leave, to go into the kitchen and start drinking. They made Ricardo a shot, too, and pressured him into taking it. He sniffed it reluctantly, looked me in the eyes in a kind of "Well?" expression which I responded to with a scowl and look of amused disbelief. Then, candy-cane in mouth to deflect the taste, he took it in small gulps, cringing until it was gone. I thought to myself: Oh no. I could tell where this would go next. Anyone who knows how Ricardo gets when he's had sugar would know better than to give him alcohol.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before the shot kicked in, the small group of people stood in the kitchen and talked about celebrities and drinking and sex. I myself stood in a corner, rolled my eyes internally a bit, groaned and sat down. It was like last year all over again - watching my apartment-mates drink as the silent outsider. I was really bored and uninspired. All I wanted was to go home and sit on the futon and work on my dream-catcher some more in the silence. I really wasn't in the mood for company tonight, if I must be honest. I should've left and gone home and relaxed and taken a break from socializing and Ricardo - I love Ricardo, but I've seen him much too much this week. I feel like I need a night to myself to recharge so that our next outting can be more enjoyable.

But I didn't go home. I stayed and waited it out as Ricardo got sillier and sillier and tried to join in the conversation. Ocassionally, he's see me out the corner of his eye and lean over and ask if I wanted to leave - I said I was fine, since I didn't want to take him away from his friends if he wanted to stay. Finally, it came to the point where Ricardo finally said goodbye and we left. But by the time, I was feeling so dull and apathetic towards everything that it wasn't much fun anyway. We tried to decide where to go. Ricardo wanted to see Kevin, but he wasn't responding. So we walked in Kevin's direction, towards the location of the play he'd been attending that night. Me and Ricardo ended up staying there and watching the second showing of the play: The UCSC version of "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

And here's where the night got a bit surreal: 1) The shot that Ricardo had comsumed kicked in, and he started laughing at weird things really loudly in strange accents and tones, and hooting and hollering, etc. There was one point where he did this one laugh... it was so funny, almost to the point where it was embarrassing. A kind of evil "Tee-hee-hee-hee!!!" that sounded somewhat like a cross between a witch's cackle and a horse whinnie. It was ridiculous. And he went on in this kind of thing for the rest of the night. Normally, I'd be fine with it, but this night, I don't know why, but I wasn't feeling up to anything. 2) I saw all my Crown friends there for the first time in about a month. i also saw many other people who I sorta-kinda-knew who'd forgotten me and didn't say hi anymore. I pointed them out to Ricardo, and he pointed out a few odd people he knew, too, such as the guy he'd made an attempt with the previous quarter. I also saw Heather and her group of theater friends there, and I said hi to them and introduced Ricardo to Heather. Then we watched the show - it was pretty good. Funny, really great characters, a really good portrayal of the story. Ricardo was next to me the whole time making not-so-funny jokes and laughing in loud, almost fake sounding "Ha! Ha! Ha's!" So I couldn't help but roll my eyes and laugh at him.

After the show, Ricardo finally got a hold of Kevin, so we headed over to Kevin's friend's apartment in Crown where they were watching the classic Disney movie Beauty and the Beast. This was when the night began to pick up for me - sort of. I liked this private, more personal atmosphere much better. The people there were friendly and jumped right into friendliness and conversation with me without hesitation, unlike the people at the potluck, who'd pretty much treated me like a non-entity and hadn't said a word to me the whole time I was there. So we had a good time watching the movie and making comments and cracking jokes about the plot and characters and songs and it was great fun. Ricardo was still a bit silly, but at least it was better placed now - when Gaston fell of the tower at the end of the movie, he laughed so hard and loud, and practically yelled joyously "And he falls into the abyss!! Take THAT Gaston!!!" I rolled my eyes and laughed as the others shot him strange, amused looks.

Then Kenny, one of the residents there, offered us wine after the movie was over. At first I declined, saying that I didn't really drink much. But then Ricardo stepped up with this mischievious look on his face and said: "Should I have some? I kind of want to - then I can stay in this great mood longer." Adn then he helped himself to a cup of the stuff. I watched him sip the wine and groaned a little, but this time in jest, since I was in a better mood. I joked around with him saying "I should have some myself just so that I can handle you in your happy drunk mode." But I guess it wasn't really a joke, since a minute later, I was helping myself to a glass. I think Ricardo was concerned about this, since he said something about "pressuring you into it" - I guess he thought that he'd made me drink? But whatever. It was a strange night, I was in a weird mood, and this weird mood was condusive to drinking. I didn't really care what I did, and I really did kind of want to try drinking socially - namely, with Ricardo, since then I would actually get to interact with someone, rather than sitting in a corner. So I had a glass. I took it in small gulps, following each gulp with a spoonful of chocolate pudding that Kenny had generously offered to me as a snack. I did not like the taste of wine. Big surprise. But I drank my whole glass and finished it off with a series of chocolate-wine burps... appetizing, I know.

Kevin left, so it was just me, Ricardo, and Kenny. We sat in the living room and talked for a pretty good time until Ricardo finally started to crash a bit, and we were all lulled into a sleepy mode. So around 2 am, we finally left to shuffle our way home in the cold, all the way across the longest part of campus. The walk home was too quiet, and I felt weird. I've felt kind of weird in those kind of silences with Ricardo ever since admitting to him that I did like him before because whenever he's quiet like that it usually means that he's thinking about something of that nature. For the last couple of days, one of these type of silences was always followed by a "Are you sure you're okay with it?" or an "I feel so bad about that" and so now I'm always thinking about him thinking about that, and it makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like he's always analyzing me now for signs that I might still like him or am bitter towards him or something. For instance, he probably took the drinking thing that way - he knows I don't drink much. I even refused a drink before he accepted. But really, it's not about that - it's just that I'm in one of those weird moods that happens every now and then. Probably the result of being so ridiculously excited and after this long week of sleep deprivation. That combination, I feel, has to lead to some kind of downer, some kind of funk like I had tonight. Wine was just a thing to do that might make the funk less prominent. I really wasn't in the mood to socialize - so I drank a little to make socializing easier so I wouldn't have to work so hard at it.

But Ricardo seems to attribute everything I do now to something emotional. I sighed today, and he asked, "Are you okay?" I replied - yes, I sigh because I'm tired. And he said that whenever I'm quiet like that, he always wonders what I'm thinking. And now that he knows I liked him, everything has that kind of tint to it, like he can't take anything I do as just a friend anymore, like he has to ask himself: "Is she doing this because she likes me still?" And I kind of don't like it. For instance, while we were watching the show, it was pretty cold because the show was outdoors, and the crowd was all squished together on the ground. I kind of wanted to put an arm around Ricardo and cuddle for warmth, but I didn't do it because I feel like, now, he would take that as me wanting to be "closer" to him or something. But in reality, it's just for warmth - it's something that, with other friends, I would do without thinking. But in the end, I just wrapped my arms around my legs and shivered my way through the show because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

Why do little actions like that have to be so complicated? Ricardo reads so much into "signals" like that - I yawn, I put an arm around him, I have a drink, I say something about a past experience - and he automatically tries to think about what I'm "really" saying beneath all those things. I guess he's pretty good at it, because he could tell without me saying or hinting, that I liked him. But now, it's just a hinderance. I don't want to have to think about every little thing I do as having emotional significance. Sometimes, I just want to do things to do them. There's no logic or meaning in it at all. And this night, this mood, if the prime example of that. When I'm like this, I just don't want to think about it. I do stupid things because I do not care, I just want to get through the night.

God, what a funky night. It's only when I'm in weird "what the hell" kind of moods like this that I've had alcohol. I don't really like it when I'm in moods like this. I really should've just gone to bed. Anyways... I want to go eat something, but it's 4 in the morning. So I dunno... I think tomorrow I'll sleep in until about 2 pm, then wake up and go to the gym. And then in the evening, Toro invited me, Ricardo, and Kevin to watch episodes of Wonder Woman with him. That should be good. Nice, relaxed, not too demanding. Hopefully it won't be so much of a social overload for me like today.

Well, goodnight. It's way too late. I need to brush the wine taste off my tongue - I wasn't really drunk, just rosy-cheeked and warm. I only had a small amount, not even enough to be very buzzed. Just enough to, you know, relax a little and smile some more, and join in with Ricardo's silliness rather than trying to deflect it.

I'll give you this, though: chocolate pudding is definitely better than wine.
 

For me personally, as a sexual, and for many other sexuals I know, romance and sexual attraction are interwoven. I have to be sexually attracted to a person to want to be in a romantic situation/relationship with them. I know some asexuals are aromantic, but for those who DO desire romance, I find it interesting that it is separate from sexual attraction. That does not mean that sex has to necessarily follow a romantic gesture, but to me, romance is SEXY. Without sexual attraction attempts at romance feels out of place/silly.

I had a HUGE discussion about this with my roommates about a month ago - it lasted about an hour. Basically, they all said the same thing as you: that sexual attraction was almost a prerequisite for a romantic relationship. I was the only one at the table who argued the opposite side: that you could connect with someone romantically without being sexually attracted to them. Basically, I just asked them this question: If there was a guy (or girl) who had everything you were looking for - was perfect in every way - except for sexual attraction, and he loved you and wanted to be with you, would you still refuse a relationship with him?

That question kind of helped them to see how it might be possible to love someone without initial sexual attraction. But, to elaborate...

A romantic relationship for me is very, very similar to a very intimate friendship. The difference is that defining it as a relationship gives you this sense of security and love that a mere friendship doesn't provide. For instance, with just a friendship, often times my friends get into their own romantic relationships, and even though they're still friends with me, that makes them more distant from me and not as connected. And I feel like it would be really nice to have someone where I wouldn't have to worry about that, where we could love each other in every way the same as other couples do and ackowledge that we want to stay together out of love for one another. I feel like a connection like that would be a really valuable and special thing to have.

Does this make sense?

I don't really need to be sexually attracted to someone to want that kind of an intimate life partner.

...

Since finding out yesterday that Ricardo now has a "budding relationship" as he puts it, my mind has kind of frozen in place wondering how this will effect our friendship and how it will effect me. My reaction to his news was totally positive: I really am very happy to see Ricardo and Kevin together. It makes my heart all warm inside to see them so bright and happy. It's also kind of funny to watch them explore this new relationship: Kevin being interrogated on Facebook, Ricardo running around with this new smile on his face, Ricardo actually losing sleep because he's so excited and happy. Whenever I talk to or see either of them, I get this big smile on my face.

But when I'm by myself, other thoughts creep in. Now both of my best friends have boyfriends, which makes me a 3rd or 5th or whatever number wheel... basically, I'm the odd one out, the only single person left. And just being by myself and knowing that they're so happy with one another, it kind of makes me sad... as I told Ricardo today: "I'm not so much jealous as wistful." I no longer have my single ally, so now, again, I'm stuck being the "lonely" one.

I just wonder, when will I get my chance? If Ricardo had been straight or asexual, he probably would've been my perfect match. As it is, all my other male friends are gay - not many prospects. And I dislike the idea of dating or "looking" for romance. I don't want to force myself into a relationship. But I do WANT a relationship. I want someone I can depend on, who loves me, whom I love. I'm tired of being the one left behind while my friends pair up with their wonderful boyfriends and look so happy together. Where's my partner in life? Where's the person who'll always be next to me? Wheres the person I can cuddle up with on the couch when I watch movies? Where's the person I can joke with and poke and tease without worrying if I'm crossing the line between friendship and relationship? I'm tired of having to back off from the people I love to make room for boyfriends. It's not that they're not nice people, the boyfriends, but when they come in, where do I go? I hate those nights when I desperately want to talk to someone and I can't because my friend is on a date.

Sometimes, friendship just isn't enough.

Like now, for instance. I'd love to have someone with me here on my bed, someone to lean on and share warmth with and cuddle with. Someone I can share a silent affection with without worrying about the implications.

Will there be someone for me? Sometimes, it's hard to believe. But most of the time, I'm pretty optimistic - I know without really knowing that I'll have that connection someday. But it's a long time coming. And I'm getting tired of waiting. How many nights do I have to spend alone?

Will there be someone who understands me as well as my best friends do, and loves me in ways they can't? It seems like I've found everything I'm looking for in a relationship in Mary and in Ricardo - but we've got mis-matched orientations. Mary isn't interested in women - neither am I - and Ricardo isn't either. And I have the added complication of lacking sexual attraction, which most people find central to a relationship. I don't know how that will affect my romantic life, if I ever have one, but I hope I get to find out one day soon.

Ricardo says he feels bad about me liking him. He wishes that I had someone so I wouldn't feel so alone as his romance blossoms.

I wish I did too.

I'm so greatful to have a friend like Ricardo. He's the most open and honest person I know when it comes down to emotions and telling people how you feel. I'm glad he had the guts to say something. I think it's this feature that'll make him an excellent partner for anyone lucky enough to have him. He never leaves bad things unsaid to fester, but brings them up to make sure that they aren't hurting anyone and gets rid of them entirely.

He asked whether I was sure I didn't still like him. I've been thinking about it, and the only honest answer is "I don't know." I obviously like him, but in what way? There's no sexual attraction, so it's really hard to tell the difference between a friend versus a potential romance. They're basically the same thing. Except that one in interested in staying with me and deepening the friendship, and the other looks for intimacy elsewhere.

I guess I was somewhat disappointed when I found out that Ricardo wasn't interested. I remember sitting in the dining hall with him and finally realizing that he was, indeed, gay. Finally having that confirmation. I kind of sunk a little, clammed up. I was caught off-guard by the truth of my own suspicions. Ricardo, perceptive as always, noticed and asked what what wrong. My voice shook a little as I said "nothing". In a way, I was glad to finally know. I wasn't too bummed, either. In fact, the next day, things were already looking up as I contemplated the new possibilities involved with having a gay best friend - the most obvious of which was the fact that I didn't have to worry about accidently crossing a sexual line. I could be a little more free with myself around him. And I could have fun - lots of fun. He was like my partner in fun, Ricardo. Still is.

The next blow came when I was speaking to Heather, my asexual friend. She also has a gay best friend, and she told me about how they had gone through a painful period where he had thought that she was getting too close to him and had tried to distance himself from her, finally setting a clear boundary between them. Especially after he got a boyfriend. After hearing this story, and the many similarities between her life and mine, I began to worry a bit that this would happen with Ricardo - that one day he'd get a boyfriend and push me away a little to make room, or that he'd think I was getting too attached and try to distance himself from me.

I thought I was fine with friendship. After all, from the beginning, before I ever knew that he was gay, I was already questioning the way I liked him: was it that I liked him romantically, or was it that I wanted to be his friend? Did I like him or was it just the fact that he was a guy and I'd never had a guy friend before? How could I tell what I wanted? The feelings were not nearly as strong for him as they were for my Kevin. It was more of a passing fantasy: "I wouldn't mind if he asked me out." "I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend." In fact, I actually thought I would quite enjoy it. I do like Ricardo - he's the best person I've ever met, next to Mary. But... did I like him that way?

Then I wrote off the romantic possibilities when I found out that I wasn't what he was looking for. I thought that would be fine. But then he asked if I liked him, and I had to tell him yes - even though I wasn't really ever sure for myself if I did. And then he got a boyfriend - and that tipped the scale for all this thought. Am I lonely because I'm the only single person? Or am I lonely because I DID like Ricardo and am sad that I didn't have that chance?

There are little signs that I still like him: when I see his name on my phone, I become more alert - my heart speed up just a tad. Not as much as Kevin. But enough for me to recognize that this person is special to me. Enough for me to feel a little high whenever I talk to him. I look for him when I walk places, too. I go to College 8 dining hall because that's where he's most likely to be. But is this just me looking for a friend or me looking for the one I have romantic feelings for? I don't know. I'll probably never know. It's not like it's some finite fact to be acquired through observation. It's emotion and it's complicated.

For now, I'm going to say that I'm just feeling lonely because of the stark contrast between me and him - me sitting here alone at night wondering what'll happen, and him smiling, giddy, with a sleep deprivation headache from happiness, with a love high.

Okay - I guess I am jealous. But it's not personal. I just want to know: where's my love high? Where's my budding romance?

I guess I just need to get out there and meet people and hope that one of them is as special as Ricardo or Mary. Hope that one of them is as good of a friend to me and understanding enough to accept me into their life and make a decision that they want to have me in their life. I hope I can find someone. It seems like such a great thing, so exciting.

One person described asexual romance as "a friendship on drugs". Now I don't drink or smoke or anything. But love? That's one kind of drug I'm all for trying.

I just hope that I get my chance.


...

Ricardo is so considerate of everyone's emotions, it astonishes me. Tonight, he said he still felt bad about me liking him before, and when I assured him that I was fine with it, he was still worried that I was lying and covering up my bitterness or something because he knows that I'm not very forthcoming with my emotions. I corrected him though: I may not be very forthcoming with my emotions, but I am very honest, and if someone asks me a question, I will answer in all honesty, to the furthest of my ability. That's why I told him that I had indeed liked him - if I had been the type to hide my emotions, I wouldn't have told him that. No way.

And then he wished that I had a partner, too, a romance of my own, so that he wouldn't have to worry about me as he embarks on his own romance. So considerate! How many friends, when they get boyfriends, voice a concern for your loneliness in the face of their new love? Not any that I've known. How many tell you that they wish you had someone too? It touches me that he'd be so worried about it, even though I've told him that I'm happy for him, even though I smile sincerely every time he mentions his new romance. Such a good person. So genuinely caring. Does he realize how much that means to me, that he asks things like this?

Also, a new development that makes me quite happy, if I can pull it off: Ricardo is getting a ride with me home, assuming my dad okays it, which I'm sure he will. I might have to endure some odd looks and some suggestive comments and concerns - this IS the first time I've brought a guy home, after all - but I'm willing to suffer through that if I get to spend a couple days with Ricardo. And it would obviously make him happy to have my company, too. He told me today: "What you said, about visiting me this break? Were you serious? Because I kind of took it that way..." And I said, yes, of course I was serious! I wanted to see him. It would be the highlight of my break, no doubt. And he seemed very happy with my response, which, in turn, made me happy.

Hopefully things will go smoothly: my dad will say yes, it won't be too awkward to have a male friend sleeping over, Mary (and possibly Jean) will be able to come with me to drop him off at home and have some fun. That would make my vacation, right there. To be able to spend that much time with the friends I love the most in all this world? Heavenly! The only thing I'm worried about is family: my dad is likely to give me some speech about how he can't sleep in my room, or how I have to have the door open if we're in the same room, etc, etc. And then Leah will probably be interested, too, and ask me questions when he's gone - probably ask: "So who was THAT? Your boyfriend?" And I don't even want to think about my little sister... oh god, I didn't even consider her. She's going to be a nightmare. Probably say out loud in her evil tone of voice: "Who's that? Your BOYFRIEND?!?" All mockingly. And then she'll probably tell all her little friends and make fun of us with them... I swear, that child represents all that I hated in little girls back in elementary/middle school.

Or, there's also the slim possibility that my dad will remember that I'm asexual and stay silent. But most likely not. And I can't really tell them that Ricardo is gay - not only does it invite awkward, prying questions, but Ricardo himself is not too comfortable with being out, and I don't want to have my dad acting strange about it.

Anyways, so those are my hopes. I'm crossing my fingers: may things go well!
 

Success! I knew Ricardo could do it. I only saw him for a few minutes today - he called up and asked to come over right as we were both leaving for class, so I only got to talk to him in the 30 minutes it took to travel to class. But I soon discovered why he was so eager to see me - he wanted to tell me his good news! He finally made a move with Kevin Yu, and it turned out well! I don't have many details, but he told me that his "move" was the one that he'd previously tried with bad results: the classic put-your-arm-around-their-shoulders maneuver. You know, the kind that you always see in movies about people seeing movies on a date where the guy tries to sneak his arm around the girl (or, in this case, guy)? I think that's funny. I would never be able to pull that off. It would feel too weird. But I guess whatever works, huh? Ricardo said that Kevin had liked him previously, and it was just up to him, for whatever reason, to make the first move. I'm glad things worked out for him. It makes me really happy to see him so happy.

I wish I'd gotten to talk to him more today, but he was busy and I was busy... hopefully we'll be able to see more of each other on the weekend.

On the other hand, I'm going to have to limit myself to this short missive, for I am very sleep deprived and it cannot be healthy. Last night I only got 4 hours of sleep, and I've been awake since 8 am (it's now 12:30 am). The previous night, I only got 3 hours of sleep (although, the nap I took during the day helped). I'm not going to get a full 8 hours, but I can at least shoot for 7.

So goodnight!
 

Yesterday, I battled with a spider - a huge wolf spider that I found in my room, right next to my pillow on my bed. It was FREAKY! It was about the size of my palm. I'll attach a picture for you. But anyways, it was fortunate that Imani had over a friend who was brave enough to take it outside because otherwise I'm sure I wouldn't have had the guts to go near it (and neither would Imani or Patrick, for that matter) and I would've surrendered my room to it and slept on the couch.

Today, I slept through my 12:30pm class - bad!! But before you think too bad of me, you should know that Imani also slept in through HIS 12:30 class, so I'm not the only one hungover from the holidays.

Tonight, though, tonight was worth talking about. As you know, because of the holiday, I hadn't seen Ricardo in a week (though I did speak to him on the phone for a pretty lengthy time) so tonight I was feeling restless after getting back from class at around 10pm, so I sent Ricardo a text asking if he might possibly want to go on a walk with me. I didn't receive a response right away, but I was going on a walk either way, so I headed out and decided to check my mail. I couldn't remember my combination, but by then, Ricardo had responded (to my delight) and had said to meet him at his place. So I headed down to Oakes. I knocked on his door and he answered, sneaking out the door and suggesting that we go to the little-known West Field - the equivalent to East Field, except smaller and to the West, obviously.

The moon was nearly full and so bright that one could actually see pretty well by it. We certainly didn't need a flashlight. We got to the field and sat down at the edge, laying in the grass to look up at the moon, which was so bright that I felt sunglasses would not be remiss. For a while we were both silent, and I felt like he must've been really tired and might not have wanted to come out after all. But then we got to talking quietly, and it became this very deep discussion about relationships and our experiences with liking people and being accepted/rejected by people and how we'd both evolved socially to arrive together on that field staring at the moon. He broke the silence first by asking me a question. "Do you mind if I ask you something? I've been wanting to ask you for a while now... but... did you ever... did you ever have feelings for me?" From the moment he opened his mouth, I could tell he was going to ask something very personal. Ricardo has this way of asking and saying things very bluntly - he doesn't dance around or censor himself like most people do. He just shoots. And this time, I knew he was going to ask that question - I could feel him working up to it over the last few months, every time he asked me about my relationships - I heard the silent question behind each one asking "Do you like me?" without ever really saying so. But now he'd actually said it in so many words and I'd have to respond. It was a no-brainer. A little embarrassing, perhaps, but I didn't hesitate.

"Honestly?" I said. "Yes. But not in the same way." (I'd been telling him about my Kevin before, so when I say "not in the same way", I mean, in comparison to what I felt for Kevin.)

He then told me that he'd thought so and that he'd been feeling kind of bad about it, thinking he'd rejected me or hurt my feelings or something. Especially after, he said, he told me about liking someone else. He'd been afraid that I'd liked him and would perhaps take it badly that he was gay or that he was interested in someone else. Which is really very nice of him. I quickly told him that I was perfectly fine and was very happy and satisfied with our friendship, and was glad that it turned out to be just a friendship. He had his doubts and asked if I was sure, but can honestly say that friendship is more than enough for me. Even before I knew he was gay, I'd been thinking about the way I liked him and wondering if I really liked him or if I just wanted to be his friend.

But either way, we got that out of the way and were that much closer for it. That conversation then opened up a plethora of other personal topics, not the least of which was our experiences with liking Kevins from Crown, which are so similar that we had to stop for a moment and think about how odd it was. Then we got into Ricardo's childhood experiences, and the reasons why he's not "out" about his being gay - he didn't want to have to deal with the stereotype of being gay and out of the closet, and I agree: I wouldn't have wanted to conform to that stereotype either. Then, since we'd both just returned from a week away, we got onto the topic of connections with people, and Ricardo said that, over the break, he'd actually really missed both me and Kevin Yu, and he'd never missed anyone that way before. He said that he'd felt like, over the break, that if he didn't call of contact us in some way that he'd failed as a person. I told him that I'd only felt that way about two people: him and Mary. But he still couldn't get over it because he'd never felt that way before and he was astonished by that fact. He said: "It's sad - I've lived for twenty years without really ever connecting with a single person." I told him that friends like that were rare, but he was still kind of depressed that his frist two decades of life were so lacking.

Anyways, I could go on and on about our conversation - it lasted for at least two hours - but it's really late and once again, I have an early class in the morning.

Goodnight!'
 

Ricardo called this morning after work - apparently he hadn't just been calling to say thanks last night, but he'd wanted to run an idea by me: he thought maybe that he could get a ride home with me and then stay the night at my house before going home to Pasadena the next day. That way he'd get to hang out with me and he wouldn't have to take the bus. I thought that this was a great idea, but unfortunately, I've already planned my trip home - my dad is coming on Friday of finals week and we're giving Silvia a ride home. I said, if he wanted to go on Friday we could probably fit another person, but he wanted to leave earlier, I guess, so it probably won't happen. Nevertheless, I was talking to him about winter break, and I said, perhaps I could take a day trip to Pasadena and visit you over break - I could bring my best friends and they could meet you and we could hang out. He seemed to very much like this idea, so it seems likely that it will happen. I will do what I can to make it happen. For one thing, Ricardo doesn't really have any friends at home anymore, and for another thing, Mary would probably want to meet him, and I have a feeling that Mary and Ricardo would like one another. And, you know, the more friends the better. So if I was excited to go home before, now I'm extra excited. Mary suggested that we go to the Huntington library and a museum... I don't know where any of these places are, but I figure that if she's recommending them, then they must be good.

Ricardo is so cute and romantic: "You don't have to be cold when I'm warm." How adorable. I swear, Ricardo is like my alternate self - if I was a guy, I would be him. Actually, it was kind of like listening to myself, if I had been more talkative when I liked Kevin. It makes me smile. Ricardo was telling me about how the guy he likes is always cold because he only has one thin jacket, and how Ricardo always wants to lend him his own jacket, since he's usually hot. The exact words he used were: "You don't have to be cold when I'm warm." I thought that was a really cute line, and I told him so. It's funny to watch him gush all romantically - he's not very subtle about it and just kind of overflows with emotion. Kind of like, yes, listening to a female friend talking about a guy she likes. But as I said, very, very similar to how I was before. Only, I think Ricardo is much more likely to actually get somewhere with it and say something to the guy. He is getting antsy about wanting to make a move but not knowing how, so I'm pretty sure he'll act soon.

Me and Patrick prepared our turkey tonight - it was a rather disgusting procedure, and I was laughing the whole time while Patrick stuck his arm up strange places and then went crazy with the antibacterial soap, saying that he's germophobic. He was on the phone with his mom trying to figure out how to gut the thing and which parts to take off and which parts to tie up and what to do with the leftover parts. Overall, a very disgustingly comical situation. And then we propped it up and spread its wings to make it look like it was flapping, and poked its fatty parts lovingly. But eventually we got it all done and put it in the fridge - tomorrow, it's going in the oven. We also managed to recruit more people for our thanksgiving dinner, so now our number is 4 - me, Patrick, my friend Edith, and Patrick's roommate. A nice little family.

Also nice is the fact that the building is now empty, so I can play as much DDR as I want without worrying about bothering the downstairs people. Also, I can dance around my apartment... and walk through the hallway naked... not that I go around naked all the time, but if I think I can get away with it, I will walk the hallways sans clothes. Kim herself admitted as much - there's just something about no one watching that tempts one to strip down to underwear and dance about the living room.

It is already very dead on campus - everyone is gone. It's so quiet that's it's eerie.

Perfect for an early bedtime... night!
 

Awwwww.... I love Ricardo. He says the nicest things. He invited me over, and I spent a couple of hours with him tonight as a last goodbye before he got on the bus to go home for thanksgiving. We spent those hours talking and listening to his favorite trance songs. He told me some very personal things and about how he likes Kevin (the other Kevin I'd mentioned earlier) and we were just talking for a long time. Then after he got on his bus for home, I was walking home through Porter College, and there is a meadow there where there is a very nice view of the ocean and the stars, and I like to stop and look up there on clear nights. I was walking through, and I'd just leaned to look up at the gorgeous sky, when a bright blue streak shot across the sky right in front of my eyes. This is the second time within a few days that this has happened, and just like before my heart started pounding with adrenaline when I saw it, such was the surprise it gave me to see it. I smiled in amazement and then sent Ricardo (who'd talked to me about seeing a shooting star recently, also, and taking it as a good omen) a text telling him about it. He replied by saying "You must be very lucky." I got home, very happy with my life, and how this year has turned out so far, and I turned on my music. An hour later, I checked my phone, and, unexpectedly, found a missed call from Ricardo. I called him back just now, and he answered as he was getting on the Greyhound bus. He said that he'd called just to tell me something in response to the shooting star and how he was thinking about being lucky, and how I'd said that this year would be a good one - and he said that he knew what he was thankful for this year: he was thankful for me.

I got this warm, floating feeling inside, the kind you get ony from spending time with the most special of people in your life, and I told him that I was thankful for his friendship as well - very, very thankful. He's one of the best friends I've ever had. And it's true. When I got home and told other people about the shooting star, they told me: make a wish. I thought about what I would wish for and came to the conclusion that I don't need a wish - I am wanting for nothing. But then I thought, if I had to wish for something... I'd wish for luck to Ricardo in his romantic endeavors. Because he really does deserve it, and if he does get a boyfriend, then that person is extremely lucky to have such a great guy in his life. Seriously, how many people call you at one in the morning because they thought they should tell you that they appreciate your friendship? Not many. Not many at all.

So yes, yes - I AM very lucky this year. Lucky to have such a great, wonderful, loving friend. And we both said so - I'm so lucky to have you. Very, very lucky. And the meteors just make it that much more other-worldly and amazing.

... on another note, it's extremely strange to me that the guy Ricardo likes happens to also be a Kevin. Have you ever had that happen to you? Where someone you are very close to has such an eerily similar life to yours, despite living completely separate lives before meeting? The only other person who is so eerily alike to me is my cousin, and... well, that's my cousin. But to have a complete stranger to your life previous to the friendship come into your life with so many parallels to yours... it's crazy. It's like an alternate universe, only in a person. Very similar, but with some crucial differences. In Ricardo, I can see what might've happened if I'd made a different move than I did based on tiny differences in our lives. It's really interesting. Astonishing, but interesting.

Anyways, this weekend was pretty low-key, but it was good anyway. On Saturday, I spent the whole day curled up on the couch in a blanket and pillow watching stuff on TV, nursing my sore neck from the crazy night of dancing the night before. Of all the body parts that could be sore, the neck is the worst - it makes you feel like you're getting sick, and you don't feel like doing anything. So I was really lazy. I only stepped outside a couple times to talk on the phone. I called my dad who put me on the phone with my grandma, which was incredibly sad because she is dying of cancer and is at the point where she can no longer speak because if she tries to speak, she just starts coughing. And also, she's not all there anymore, either. My aunt said that she's been seeing people from her past - like a dog from her childhood. She told my aunt: "Do you see that dog?" and pointed - but there was no dog. And the other day, my dad said, she caught sight of herself in a mirror - she hadn't seen herself in a mirror in a while, and then she started making faces at her reflection in the mirror, like a child. That made me smile. At least she can still have fun. But it's not so fun to talk to her on the phone. Because she can't speak so much, I had to try and talk to her without any response. I didn't know what to say, so there were long silences. At first, I wanted to ask the usual questions: "How are you?" "What are you doing?" But then I realized, those don't work because she can't respond. So then I just started telling her about how I'm just taking it easy this weekend after a long night of dancing with friends the other night... small talk.

It's really interesting, but talking to her on the phone made me realize just how much of a phone conversation is based on a very routine set of questions and responses, and how all the things I was saying we things that I could've said to anyone anytime. So then I decided to step out of my comfort zone and enter the realm of un-prescribed script. I started saying what was on my mind: what I was seeing, what I had thought of before, what was meaningful to me. I told her about this tree I was looking at as I was speaking to her, a tree in front of my building that is completely stripped of any leaves and beautiful in it's nakedness, standing in a pile of shed yellow and red leaves. I told her about a spider that lives in the meadow by my building that I'd seen outside a number of times - huge, tarantula-like. I was just telling her about the meteor shower I'd gone to watch on Monday, and how beautiful the sky was here, when my dad took over the phone. By that time, I was crying in full. It's terribly sad to talk to someone who can't talk back, whom you can't see or hear - you can't tell if they're listening, you can't tell if they like what you're saying or if they're bored, and you can't even take a guess at what they might be thinking, if they're thinking at all. It's like speaking to someone who's already dead.

After the day ended, I finally got up to go to dinner with Toro and Ricardo, who'd been locked away for most of the weekend writing a research paper. It was a nice dinner. I wanted it to last all night. And I could tell the others wanted it to too because we all kept stalling, going back for dish after dish and eating slowly, getting a glass of juice and sipping it carefully, prolonging the time. Toro was the first to leave - he had a meeting of some sort. So me and Ricardo were left. Eventually, we decided we had to go, that we'd been there too long. Ricardo seemed to notice that I was bummed and said: "I'm sorry. This sucks. You seemed to want to hang out with me this weekend, too, but I'm stuck doing this stupid paper." He walked with me as far as Kresge and then hugged me goodbye, and we both went back to our isolation, our work. Well... he did, anyway. I myself just went back to sleep. That's what I do when I don't feel like doing anything, when I'm down or sad or depressed - I sleep. In this case, I was just sore and a little sad that Ricardo had to do a paper.

On Sunday, me and Patrick got a ride from Kim to the grocery store and got a turkey and enough food to feed a large family for a couple of days. We have so much food, we'll probably be eating the turkey for a couple of weeks, assuming that no one else takes some. I think, perhaps, that after Thanksgiving we'll have to have a leftover eating party. After getting the food, I left again for downtown to an event at Heather's house called "Storytime" aka: a group of college kids sitting around with pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals sipping hot cocoa and tea and reading children's books aloud to one another. It was very relaxing, and I nearly fell asleep on the couch, lulled by the compelling voices reading me the story of Harold and the Purple Crayon or Where the Wild Things Are. In fact, it was too relaxing. I reluctantly sat up in the middle of the story-telling after a book about a cricket and said I had to leave. On the walk home, I attempted to wake myself up so that I would have enough focus to write my paper. For yes, I'd left my paper until the day before it was due at 11 pm. I started writing around midnight, went to bed around 3 am, woke up around 9 am, and finished the paper to my satisfaction a full hour before it was due. I was proud of myself. I know exactly how long it takes to write a good paper, and was not worried at all that I wouldn't finish it.

And yes, that's my week. The rest is routine except for this fine night with a fine friend and the stars falling above proclaiming the good luck of the coming year, and an excellent end to an old one. Cheers - and Happy Thanksgiving.
 

I signed up for most of next quarter's classes the other day. I was going to sign up for Intro to Jazz Dance, but it was closed already, so I went with Modern II/III, the sequel to the class that I took with Ricardo last quarter. Ricardo is currently in this class, so I'll have to ask him what the instructor's like. From what he's told me already, though, it sounds like the moves are going to get much more complicated, and I'll actually have to do some choreography. But I'm really excited to dance again - not just at dances or in my room, but in a professional sense with choreographed moves in a group.

The other classes I got are Socy 10 and 15. 10 is Problems in American Society, or something to that effect, and I'll have that class with Tatiana. 15 is World Society, and I have that class with Ricardo. For my last class, I have to wait until next week to sign up, but I'm hoping that World Lit: Time/Space will stay open. My first choice, Language and Social Interaction, was full before I could get it, so I'm stuck taking another Lit class. But Time/Space sounds pretty interesting: it examines lit from the perspectives of time and physical boundaries around the Pacific Rim. If I get that class, as planned, then I'll have a very nice schedule next quarter. No early classes and only one night discussion, so I'll get enough sleep! And not as much reading.

This week, all the students are protesting at all the UC schools, including ours, against the regent's raise of the tuition by 32%. On Wednesday, there was a giant strike at the front and west gates, and then they occupied Kerr Hall, the financial and administrative offices. They're still there. In fact, my co-workers took the leftover food from work today to feed them. I considered joining, but strikes and occupations do not appeal to me as a way to oppose things. They often inconvience people and damage things more than they help, especially if things get out of control, like a couple weeks ago when some students destroyed some furniture in a building, and they had the students pay to fix the damages, and focused more on that than the actual issues being protested. I prefer a more peaceful way of protesting that doesn't involve a chance of being arrested, and missing class, etc. In my Creative Writing class, we're going to write creative stories/letters to the people in charge to get their attention and let them know that these fee raises are not acceptable, not when the students aren't getting anything from the extra cost except for library hour cuts, less teachers, and larger lecture classes. It doesn't make any sense that we have to pay that much more to get THEM out of debt while they're continuing to cut more and more of our education benefits out.

In other news, next week is Thanksgiving, and I found out that Patrick (my gay friend who lives next door) is also staying at UCSC for Thanksgiving, so we've planned to try and cook a turkey for the holiday. It'll be interesting since we don't have a rack or pan or thermometer or anything to cook it with. haha. We'll have to go on a hunt for the stuff we need. But it should be really fun.

Tonight, there are two dances. I called Ricardo, but he didn't answer, so I'm hoping that he'll call me back soon. Otherwise, I'm a one-man team tonight at the Beatles dance. Although, chances are that even if he doesn't call, I'll probably see him there if I go. I also kind of want to play DDR, but I can't play on my floor. I'll have to see if Ricardo wants to play at his apartment, or if I can find someone else with a TV and a first floor apartment who wants to dance. There are a lot of events this weekend - an arts and crafts event, a student film festival, a battle of the bands, and a retreat to childhood at Heather's house where they'll be reading children's books aloud and having cookies and tea. I plan on going to Heather's event, at least, because her's sounds awesome and unique. I'll probably not go to the others. I have to write a paper this weekend, too.

On Monday, Kim had her music event - she gave everyone in her buildings a blank CD, which they then put their favorite music on, and she swapped everyone's CD's. Monday, she had everyone over for cookies, milk, and other goodies to find out who had who's CD's. It was a pretty good event. About halfway through, Ricardo arrived, which was funny because everyone in the room was from Kresge, and he had to introduce himself as a random person from Oakes - to which everyone did the "OOAKES" call. After the event ended, I went with Ricardo to Stevenson College, where his friends were waiting to watch the meteor shower on a grassy knoll. As it so happens, I actually knew one of the people there from kayaking. I don't know how, but Ricardo seems to know all the people from my kayaking class because I keep re-meeting them through him. Watching the meteor shower, it was freezing outside, but eventually we were all too numb to notice. Our eyes were fixated on the sky, where it was a challenge to see meteors since they didn't happen at any particular spot in the sky, but seemed to occur randomly. I'd be looking straight up, and the next thing I knew, people would gasp and point at the horizon... and then I would swear and watch that part of the sky, only to hear them all gasp and point in the opposite direction. So when I DID see a meteor, it was when I happened to be lucky and looking in the right spot. Overall, though, the show was pretty slow and the meteors were pretty small and disappointing. As the climax of the shower arrived, we all started to get impatient and started urging the meteors on - "Come on, just one big one, please?!?" - and then we started making sexual jokes - you know, "climax" of the meteor shower, "white streaks" of meteors, etc,etc. - and it progressed from there until we were all laughing at the most ridiculous of suggestive comments. Finally, we decided to leave... and it was just then that 4 giant meteors came in quick succession, and we all ooh-ed and ahh-ed in amazement. Then, of course, it took us longer to actually leave. But I did eventually get home, and did eventually sleep, although not for very long.

The weekend was an interesting one, too. Me, Silvia, and Ricardo went to the show Animals of Omaha, and it was hilarious because the two gay characters were my friends, and they had a kissing scene and everything... but in real life, neither of them is gay. AWKWARD! haha. Then Ricardo joined us for a game of Scrabble and Flux. The next day, me and Silvia got breakfast and then Katie called - she just happened to be in town with nothing to do, so I joined her and we walked from Swift to the beach, all the way across Westcliff to the Boardwalk, from the Boardwalk to downtown, just talking the whole time. It was very nice. I myself was tempted to go down to the beaches, since it was low tide, but Katie didn't want to. I kind of wish Ricardo had been there - I know HE would've been all for the beach, and even for swimming, if I'd wanted to.

Other than that, the only interesting tidbit I have left to tell you about is that Ricardo now knows that I identify as asexual. He brought it up as he was telling me about this crush he has on a guy he likes. Apparently, Toro told him. I was a little caught off-guard that he knew, but it was okay, and he seemed to accept it - he was just curious, I guess. What I'm curious to know is what Ricardo and Toro were talking about that brought up the topic - were they talking about me? I wonder what they said to one another. But I guess I'll never know because I didn't ask.


 

Tonight, after work, I was at home reading. I had decided to get in a few chapters before the pajama dance, thinking that Ricardo would probably call me before. However, an hour before the dance, I was surprised when a knock came at the door, and... there was Ricardo! He even brought his pajamas with him. Apparently, we're good enough friends now that he thinks he can just stop by without calling first. And he'd be absolutely right about that. It's always nice to find an unexpected friend at the door. Since we had an hour to kill (and I'm assuming that this was his intention in arriving early), he challenged me to a Scrabble rematch, one-on-one, just me and him.

And hell, he beat me by 50 points. He went first, and the very first word he put down was a 7-letter word, "refrain", worth 76 points. He followed that up with the word "quark" on a double word score with a double letter score on the K for another whopping 46 points. I was left in the dust, slack-jawed. Ricardo's got some serious game. And some serious luck.

Then we went to the dance. To our amazement, they were actually playing dance music rather than bad hip-hop. However, the dance music was too strange for Ricardo, and he was looking for his absent friends, so we left in search of them. We entered their apartment and quickly got sucked into watching TV and talking with them. Finally, we decided just to stay and play Flux, so we went and got my game, watching Kill Bill 2 on TV as we played the longest game of Flux ever. And I found out that Ricardo is squeamish. During one of the commercial breaks, a news flash came on about a wanted person, a latino male who had 6 burglaries under his belt. Ricardo's comment on this was "He actually looks kind of cute." I joked to him: "Maybe that's why he's wanted." Ba-bum-tish. But Ricardo is really slow with jokes and went on to say, "No, he's wanted for burglary." So I had to tell him it was a joke, and when it finally clicked for him, he said "Oh", threw back his head and laughed. "Sorry, I'm bad with jokes." No kidding, I thought, but his lack of humor was of an amusing sort. It's not that he doesn't have a sense of humor, he's just slow on the uptake, and it's funny to see how long it takes for him to understand that we're joking.

Tomorrow, Ricardo wants to go to the beach, so me, him, and the Porter group, and whoever else (maybe Toro and Kevin Y.?) are going to go in the afternoon. After that, my friend Silvia is coming, and me, her and Ricardo are going to go to a show. Then Silvia is spending the night at my place, since the bus stops running too early for her to get back. Should be a pretty fun day. I'm really excited and happy to have so many things to do with so many good friends. And then on Sunday, Toro wants me to take him to the Kresge Swing.

Pretty busy and excellent weekend, if I don't say so myself.
 

My weekend went fairly well. I slept in, and then Heather came over and we made cake. We decided to dye it purple, but didn't have enough red, so it ended up blue. The bottom layer was square and the top was round (those are the only shaped pans I had), and we decorated the top in the shape of a banana slug with yellow M&M's, almonds, and chocolate chips. I think it must've been THE most awesome cake I've ever made. And then we had an hour or two to kill before the show we were to attend, so we sat and discussed asexuality, since Heather is also asexual and was interested in hearing my perspective, as was I to hear hers. Apparently, she'd heard of asexuality before, but had written it off as a possibility, thinking that being asexual meant that you didn't want romantic relationships. However, then last year, she was in a Psych class and decided to do a paper on asexuality, and discovered that yes, relationships were possible, and this led her to identify as such herself. I think that was a really interesting story. From what I gather, most people discover asexuality for themselves by independently inventing the term and googling it on a whim (like I did).

It was interesting to share stories with her about relationships, too. Apparently she also has a gay best friend whom she would've liked a romantic relationship with, but who she is satisfied to simply be really good friends with (as I am with Ricardo). But she's been in that situation longer, and she told me that, while this relationship satisfies her romantic needs, it wasn't so good because the guy eventually thought that she was getting to close and then put her through a painful distancing. And then he got a boyfriend, and that's obviously somewhat sucky for Heather because someone else has taken over the main position in his life. I thought about this, and it occurred to me that this could very likely happen to me as well. Ricardo has told me himself that, though I am a good friend, I don't fit that position, and he is actively looking for someone to be in that kind of relationship with... so, eventually, he'll have a boyfriend, and I'll have to back off a bit.

Then me and Heather went to a show called "Accidental Lesbian", which is basically a stand-up-comedy-esque performance of "chapters" in the director's life. It was REALLY good - she's had a really interesting life, and it was an excellent first show for her. After the show, I sat around waiting for Ricardo, who'd said he would stop by and have some cake/food before he had to go to the Rainbow Theater performance he was attending with our friend Kevin. However, he was coming from downtown, and by the time he got here, it was almost time for him to leave again. He ate my food very quickly (people seem to eat my food a lot this year, haha), and then I decided to go for a run, so I put on some shorts and said I'd run there with him, since he was so late that running was necessary to get there on time. We ran across the campus, we lagging behind because I'd just eaten cake, and cake doesn't go well with running. But eventually my stomach settled, and we were going at a pretty steady pace. We got there only a couple minutes late, and he was able to buy a ticket and enter. I, myself, headed out to the track, stretched, and then ran and ran and ran. I ran a good 2 1/2 miles, almost running into a big deer with huge antlers that was standing right in the middle of the track at one point. Then I walked back, and waited until the show would be over, for Ricardo had said he might stop by for some cake afterwards. But it was getting really late, so I thought that he wouldn't be coming, and it was just as I was moving from the living room to the bedroom to get ready for bed around 11pm that a knock came on the door. And there was not only Ricardo, but Kevin as well. He apologized for coming unannounced, but I waved the apology away. He suggested that we play Scrabble and I readily agreed, quite happy to ablige. Ricardo wanted to play and see if I really was as good at Scrabble as I told him, for, he said, he was pretty confident that he could match me.

He was wrong. I beat both of them by a landslide, as usual. Ricardo even got a 7-letter-word 50-point bonus at one point, and I still beat him by about 100 points. But it was fun anyway, and they gave me a pretty good run for my money. We had some really funny words, and I got the idea of making up a story with the words on the board, and we all came up with the most hilarious, if somewhat inappropriate, stories. I still can't believe that Ricardo had the 7-letter word "maenads"... that was amazing. We had just been talking about maenads and thyrsus wands and Greek plays the other day, and he just happened to get that word! After the game, we watched more music videos, true to Ricardo's nature. And then Ricardo, sugar-high from eating most of the cake, grabbed the cake knife and performed in a spontaneous mock-play for me and Kevin, dramatically brandishing the knife and investigating the mystery of the eaten cake, and, at one point, even pretending to stab the TV. It was 2 am, and I had Ricardo in my living room doing Modern Dance moves to the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, with a knife in one hand and this ridiculous look on his face. Well, at least he wasn't laughing hysterically this time. And then we all sat on the futon and talked for another hour before finally and reluctantly retiring to our respective beds.

The next day, I slept in, and then in the evening, went to Imani's show at the Rainbow Theater with Kim. Ricardo was supposed to meet us there, but he was late, and he arrived just as the director was introducing the play, exhausted from studying all day. I didn't like the first play so much - it was somewhat boring - but it had some funny characters in it. The play dragged on for a full hour and half, and then, after an intermission, Imani's Poet's Corner finally came on. They were SO GOOD. Imagine really good poetry combined with choreography in multiple acts with different characters, combined into one movement of poetry that came together in the end and left you haunted with these last words: "It never ends." I can't decribe it, but it was amazing. And Imani did not only poetry, but piano as well, and singing. And they accompanied their poetry with body motions, visually representing the words they were saying. At the end, they got an encore applause from a standing audience, and we went up to congratulate him. He said: "My house is here!" and gave us all a hug and said we smelled like the tea at our apartment - that we smelled like home.

And that's the end of the weekend. But today was a day off, so it felt like the weekend. And it was also a very good day.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I should tell you about last night before I move on towards the present. Last night, I was at home, and everyone had left, and it was just me in the apartment. I resigned myself to a night by myself, chatting online. I decided to watch a movie on the futon. But just before, Patrick sent me a message saying he wanted to come bug me, so I said: "So come bug me then. I've got milk..." And that teaser was all he needed. The next moment, Patrick was coming through my door with a smile on his face. He gave me a hug, ate Kim's cookies, drank my milk, and then we sat down on the couch. I asked him, have you seen this movie? It was Sex and the City: The Movie. I'd found it in Imani's collection, funnily enough, and Patrick said, are you kidding? I own the special edition. That's my favortie movie. Then I got my fuzzy blanket and my two cushiest body pillows, and we curled up in them and turned off the light and watched the chick flick, leaned up against each other like little children. It was a great movie, too. Just what I needed - a love story with a happy ending that leaves a warm feeling inside. Patrick left, since it was late - 2 am. But I stayed on the futon, happy, warm, and more comfortable than I'd been in years. I wanted to stay there forever. It felt like home again. Not home as it's been for the last few years, but home as it was years ago on holidays, when all my relatives were around, and I'd have to sleep on the couch, with my cousins beside me, and I'd stare up at the Christmas-light-lit ceiling, pull my blankets around me, and smile at the thought of the morning to come. Those were the days. And to have that feeling back, here at Santa Cruz, in my very own apartment, was the best thing that's happened to me this year. It's so nice to feel at home again. To have that sense of comfort and closeness, that sense of family, like so many years ago.

However, I did end up moving back to my bed. At first, I stayed on the couch, ready to sleep there... but I wasn't tired, and I stayed up thinking happy and warm thoughts, remembering things that I haven't remembered in a long time. And then the allergies hit, and suddenly my nose itched and my eyes watered up and I was snuffling. I don't know what triggered it - perhaps I inhaled some of the fuzz from my blanket - but I took some medicine, took a shower, and went to bed. I woke up today with a stuffed up nostril, and crusty eyes - yuck - and messaged Toro. He'd invited us to climb Tree 9 today, assuming it wasn't raining. It wasn't, so we set a time. Ricardo was late again - he'd gotten caught up listening to a friend who'd decided to confide in him - and we had ot wait for him to eat lunch. But finally, he was ready and we set off. When we got there, there were a lot of people already in the tree, and many other people besides, waiting to start up. We waited a while for some people to come down and then Ricardo led the way up the rope ladder. I followed him up, finding it much easier than before - kayaking has paid off in that respect - and then began my ascent into the main part of the tree, stepping from branch to branch, stretching to reach, stitting, pulling, and clutching onto the tree. Surprisingly, I found that it wasn't as scary as I'd thought. In fact, it was easy and fun, and I out-stripped Ricardo, who'd climbed the tree once before. He was surprised that I climbed so fast, and had a little more trouble than I in getting across some of the more difficult gaps. Half-way up, we found a little toy parachute that someone had presumably thrown from the top of the tree. After that point, it got to where you couldn't see the ground anymore, all the branches hindering your view. Which is good because no doubt the view from that height of the ground would've given some people a panic attack. We scaled the tree, and reached the top. The top was kind of scary because, with more than one person up there, it swayed if anyone moved. I was glad that it wasn't windy, for I've heard that the top of the tree sways in the wind. I don't doubt it.

The view was phenomenal. From the top of the tree, you could see the bay, from Santa Cruz all the way across to Monterey. The sun was beginning to set, but we were so high up that there was still sunlight on the top of the tree, and on the tops of the trees around us. It was beautiful and peaceful and such an awesome and fun experience. I hope to do it again very soon, and more often, for I enjoyed it very much. Then me and Ricardo headed down again, me leading the way, weaving around the people coming up under us. I was halfway down the tree when Ricardo yelled from above: "How did you get down there so fast?" I said, "It's easy!" Below me, Toro and Kevin were waiting on the ground - they were too freaked out by heights to climb to the top, although, before, Toro did climb the bottom of the tree. He said it was easy climbing, but it was hella scary and that he didn't want to go all the way. So instead, he took pictures. I posed in the tree with Toro's roommate, Bryan, and then Ricardo caught up (or down, haha) to me and posed with us, hanging from the branches, looking down. Then we went the rest of the way, shimmied down the rope ladder (the hardest part of the climb) and rested on solid ground once more. Although, to be honest, I was so calm and peaceful up in the tree, that the tree was pretty solid too. I could've lounged up there all day. One person even remarked that we should have a book club up there - I thought, that would be so awesome!

Then we followed the trail further to the Wishing Tree, where people's wishes papered the limbs and were stuck on the ends of twigs. There was every kind of wish on there, from "I wish for world peace" to "I wish I didn't have to pee so much" and "I wish I could teleport". It was really interesting to read them all. And then a stranger offered us his notebook and pen and we put up our own wishes. Mine was as follows: "I wish for another night that feels like home, and many more to come."

After that, the others went home, and Ricardo expressed a wish to go to the Kresge swing. So I took him there, racing against the sun as it set. We arrived, and there were people already there. We took our turns, and I felt that familiar wonderful swooping sensation on the first drop from the tree out and over into the empty space over the ravine. I honestly think that the swing is scarier than being at the top of tree 9. It would be really easy to fall off or to swing the wrong way and run into a tree. But it was fun.

I told my mom that I'd climbed a tree and gone to the swing today. She thought, my lovely dare-devil child, climbing trees, swinging over ravines, and kayaking on the ocean. I thought, what an awesome life.
 

Yesterday was the last day of kayaking. I nearly missed out on it after looking out the window and being discouraged by the clouds, wanting to go back to sleep... but then I looked up the weather on the ocean, and it was actually a very nice day, 2-5 foot swells at a 12-second period, not much wind at all... very nice day. And it wasn't very cold out, either. So I changed my mind and went. I was glad I went, but I got a headache from the swells and the nauseating stench of the seal rock. This headache went away, and I went to work fairly happy and energetic, smiling, joking, and talking to my coworkers in a most pleasant mood. But then, halfway through my shift, I crashed - my headache returned and I felt crappy. I could feel myself slowly wearing down. I wanted to lay down and sleep. And indeed, after work, I went home and took a nap for an hour. But it wasn't enough, and I reluctantly woke up for class 10 minutes late, which meant I had to run to class. It was raining outside, but I charged through it, glasses obsured with droplets, pants soaked halfway to the knee from puddles, breath visible on the air - it was... refreshing. It made me happy, running through the rain. I wanted to run forever. But eventually I reached my destination and watched a weird movie for my class.

When I got out of the film showing, I had already decided to go on a walk through the rain. I returned home first and dropped off my stuff, then set out. I did what I usually do on such walks - I texted my best friends. Ricardo was the first to reply. And what he said pleased me so: "Just walking around." I called him up, and, a few minutes later, joined him and his friend Kevin on their walk. We talked and walked and decided to go banana slug hunting, since neither had seen one yet. We searched for an hour before giving up and then journeying, on my suggestion, to the top of the parking structure. There we looked around, then sat and talked for a good long time. After a while, Ricardo suggested East Field, so we went there, walked out across the field to the lookout bench and admired the night-time view of Santa Cruz, lit up and beautiful. It was clear under the clouds - the rain had wiped out any haze. We could see all the way across the bay to the lights that twinkled in Monterey. We sat there in silence for a while, listening to the fog horn dully directing ships to the harbor as the waves made it sound. It was peaceful, and afterwards Ricardo said that the silence was perfect and just what he needed. I think it was what we all needed.

We went home, Kevin off to his own home in Crown (no relation to the other Kevin), me and Ricardo to his apartment, where I retrieved from him my bra lent out at Halloween. We then sat in his living room and talked some more. After a short while, one of his apartment-mates and his friend opened the door. They looked around the corner, caught sight of us sitting close together, and quickly exited again, holding back giggles. We heard them speaking to each other outside, talking about us like gossipping middle schoolers. Then Ricardo rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, I know what they're thinking... they think we're going to start making out or something." He then looked to me and asked: "What do you think of that?" I simply smiled and said, "I think it's amusing." Ricardo, himself, thought it was annoying - he wasn't in the mood to deal with them. Then the apartment-mate and friend opened the door again - this time, they snuck by quickly, not looking at us, but shuddering in silent laughter as they shut the bedroom door on us. We both rolled our eyes. I laughed. Then Ricardo said he was tired and showed me out the door. As usual, we started talking again and got caught up in another conversation in the doorway. This always happens with Ricardo - it takes a long time for me to actually leave. Last time, he got caught up talking about Roman history. And another time, he got caught on a rant about social constructions. This time, however, I quite liked the direction in which he went in his goodbye conversation. I liked it very much.

He told me about this mural that there was in Merrill which consisted of a dark, stormy background with all these insults on it... and then, in the middle, in bright letters, one phrase stood out: "Appreciate something." And he told me that it was true: people get so caught up in criticizing people that they forget to see the good in them. And then he told me that when he'd gotten my text message, he'd immediately remembered that I would probably be up for a walk, if I wasn't already out walking. He said that he'd noticed that I was usually up to do something and made time to spend time with him, and he previously hadn't found a friend who would do that. And then he told me about seeing that mural and he told me: "I appreciate you. I find myself calling you before anyone else when I want to do something. You're a good friend. And I realized that I hadn't told you that, and I just wanted to make sure you knew. So now you know." The whole time I was listening to that, I was melting inside, and all I could think was awwww.... and then I said it aloud: "Awww..." And I told him, I felt the same way about him - it was mutual. It was on that note that we finally hugged goodbye, and I left for home.

I was SO happy. I AM so happy. Yesterday, I was floating, and today, I'm still glowing from what Ricardo said. How many people say something like that to you? I think that's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. And I'm so glad. So glad. There aren't words for it. THIS is happiness.

And on the way home, just as I'd predicted, I found a banana slug. Earlier that night, I'd joked to Ricardo that banana slugs don't like him and that what would probably happen was that I leave him to go to bed, and that I'd find one on the way home. And sure enough...! I took a picture of it and called him up and he laughed. He thought it was funny that what I'd predicted had happened. And then he told me to keep him posted on events this weekend - there are several shows I'm planning on going to that he wants to join me for - and said goodnight.

It was a perfect night. It could not have been better. I'm so happy to have found Ricardo, and I'm happy that Ricardo's happy to have found me. This is life like it's meant to be, friendship at it's best. I'm having a great time. Nothing is bad and everything is good.

And today, I told my friends Patrick and Toro that I was asexual. I said it matter-of-factly, and they took it matter-of-factly, and it felt right. And I'm happy about that, too. Toro gave me a haircut and the whole topic came out as we were talking about our experiences with the sex-talk - or, in our cases, a lack of the sex talk. It came up that my mom was worried that I'd be a lesbian and then Patrick asked me: "Are you a lesbian?" I shook my head no. "... or bi? Or straight? Just curious. Are you queer?" I said no, I'm not straight... "I would actually consider myself to be asexual," I said. And Patrick just looked at me curiously and said, "Okay - that's cool." And Toro said, "I was wondering the same thing, myself... you know, with the short hair and everything." And then I laughed and told him, "No, the hair is just annoying."

So yes... everything is good. And everything is getting better all the time.

I appreciate everything.
 

Twas an excellent weekend. Indeed it was. In fact, life has been excellent in general lately. I haven't had a low in weeks, even when I was sleep deprived. And now the hard work is over and I get a break between papers and midterms, and it's very nice.

This Halloween was a perfect one - it just happened to be close to a full moon, and the sky was clear of fog or rain. In fact, it was downright warm the other day. The night before Halloween, me and Ricardo went to my old apartment-mate Tyler's improv show, and then to a dance at Merrill. It was a really good dance, with lots of people, since it had started out with a zombie crawl from all the dining halls to the dance. We missed the zombie crawl, but the dance was awesome. Everyone was in costume, including me and Ricardo (or Rachelle, as he said to call him ). We both got a lot of comments and compliments on our costumes, mine as "clever", whereas for "Rachelle", everyone kept coming up and feeling his fake boobs because they looked so realistic. I joked that they belonged to me, and he agreed, since it was my padded bra that made them look so real. But anyway, we danced with abandon.

At one point, a guy in a creepy baby-faced mask came in and started moving around in such a way as to be really freaky looking, such that when he came up to us, Ricardo says he nearly screamed, he was so freaked out by it. The way he moved, he held his head in one spot while twisting around the rest of his body slowly in unnatural ways. Later, he came up to me where I was dancing to a song I really liked, and whispered in my ear "Let's Battle." I was caught off-guard, but I went along with it. I wasn't sure what to do, since I don't really don't professionally, and just kind of dance however I feel like dancing. But he gestured for me ot make the first move, so I did, at the end of which I ended up blushing and laughing in embarrassment because I'd never done this before. Then he finally made his move: he stood in one spot and held his head still, and then reached his arms down and around, so that they appeared to be spinning in their sockets. He must have been double-jointed or something because I'm pretty sure normal people can't move like that. But it was freaky, and that was the effect he was going for, I'm sure. He didn't even dance - he only challenged me so that he could pull that move and freak everyone out. Not knowing how to respond, I simply laughed and edged away back to Ricardo, who was watching from afar, too scared of the creepy guy to stand closer.

Then we got back into the dance, and Michael Jackson's "Beat It" came on, and me and Ricardo made up a choreographed dance for it. That was fun. And the party finally ended at 1:00am with the song "Around the World" by Daft Punk, and me and Ricardo danced in circles around each other, improvising like we did in Modern Dance class last year. We clapped, satisfied with the night, and went home.

The next night, Ricardo called me and said he was getting a group together to go downtown and see all the costumes, get dinner, and then come back and go to the dance later. I ended up inviting my friend Toro, whom, as it turns out, Ricardo knew already. None of the people that Ricardo invited showed up, so it turned out kind of nicely, with just the three of us, already knowing one another. So we were able to have a pretty good time. We caught a bus, and downtown, Pacific Ave was roped off and people were crowding the street, parading back and forth in costume, looking at all the other costumes. We joined in the costumed parade, an iPod commercial, a fake woman, and some sort of tribal deity (I'm not sure what Toro was, but he had awesome-looking make-up and a pretty cool robe). We walked the street and decided to eat at the Santa Cruz Diner, famous for its extensive menu of delicious foods of all sorts. They had everything from breakfast to dinner, from American to Asian food. There was a little something for everyone. I myself ordered a little something called "Death by Brownie". Yes, that's what it was called. When I ordered it, the waiter gave a knowing smile and a wink and said, "I make an extra large one, so you know it'll live up to its name." And sure enough, it did. It was delicious. Toro said that it looked obscene... which it did... but that's just because he couldn't believe I would eat that much brownie chocolately ice-cream goodness. I ate the whole thing except for one last chunk of brownie at the bottom, which Ricardo then finished off for me.

We then walked the length of Pacific several times, watching the crazy costumes. There was one group of Wizard of Oz themed characters who had set up a cart with a boom box on it, which they wheeled around, occasionally stopping to dance. We caught them right as they danced "Thriller", and it was SO COOL. They weren't the only one with that idea. One person was dressed as a robot, and inside the robot costume were speakers playing the song. Walking with the robot was a kid, a little boy, who was dressed as Michael Jackson and who was a seriously talented dancer. He danced down the street like MJ himself. There were many other costumes too, but to recount them all would take much too long.

After a while, we caught a bus back to campus and went to the dance. Me and Ricardo entered in a costume contest, me in the "most original" category, him in the "funny" category. I thought for sure that I'd win, since people had really liked my costume, and I hadn't seen a single person with a costume like mine despite all the people downtown. But I didn't win. The home-made pterodactyl won. Which, I have to admit, was a really awesome costume. But Ricardo told me that I should've won because, well, animals are done all the time, but how many people think to do something from the media? But anyway... Ricardo didn't win either, though we both came really close. He was up against a nerd with really crazy dance moves and a guy dressed as a gay army recruiter. They all had awesome dance moves which made it really hard to choose. Ricardo did his bend-and-snap move, the really ridiculous one that required the curves of a woman to pull off... and he pulled it off! But the gay recruiter won, I suppose since that hasn't really been done before.

But we had a great time. Toro was self-appointed photographer and took killer photos of the whole thing. After the contest, all the really good dancers grouped up in the back, including most of the contest participants, and we all danced together and it was awesome. Then, fashionably late, arrived Lady Gaga - Lana, a really good dancer who usually dances with me and Ricardo at every dance. She had told me before that it was her goal to be known by the entire school as the really good dancing girl at all the dances. And I think, with this one, she achieved it. She made such an entrance, with her shades and a rod with a glowing globe at the end, that everyone cleared out a space for her, and she jumped in the middle. The entire crowd of people stopped dancing to watch her as she danced to a Lady Gaga song with all she had. She MUST have been a professional dancer because she was GREAT. Afterwards, she joined us in dancing, and we danced the night away...

"Beat It" came on a second time, and me and Ricardo were able to work out even more of our previously choreographed moves. A guy dressed as Mario came up to us and complimented us on our dancing. But eventually it ended, and we left, once more happy at the turn of events. But I was waiting for Tatiana to return to campus, since she wanted to see my costume, and I wanted to spend some time with her, so I went to Ricardo's place to hang out with him until she called. We stayed up listening to various songs that Ricardo had found, and watching music videos that he wanted to show me. It got really late... and then, all of a sudden, it was early. And we realized: the time change! We groaned. It was the bad time change, and we had just lost an hour sleep. After that, we both got really tired of waiting up, and eventually, I gave up and left to let Ricardo sleep, and told Tatiana that I'd just put up pictures.

But yes, fun times. Yesterday, I slept in, went to the gym, and then studied with a kind-of-not-really friend from my Lit class for our midterm today. There wasn't enough time in the midterm, so I scrambled to finish it, and feel like they were second-rate answers, but what can I do? There wasn't enough time to make them better. So I'm not worrying about it. And now I'm done with all my tests and papers until finals week. And life is sweet and relaxed. The other night, too, Patrick came over to share a glass of milk and chocolate with me, and me, him, and Kim had some excellent girl-talk... or, at least, he and Kim did. I just kind of listened and responded, since I don't really have much to say on the topic (boys, as usual). At one point, Patrick told me that he thought Ricardo had a crush on him. Which, of course, was semi-awkward for me, but what can I do? I simply noted that it might also be that Ricardo is simply a very friendly person, which he is. It's a good thing that I didn't tell Patrick that I liked Ricardo, or else I feel that things would be much worse... I probably would've had Patrick pitying and trying to console me. *cringe* But anyway, after that the topics moved on to better things, like how to tell a guy you like him, which Kim has been struggling with for a year and a half, whereas Patrick seems to be able to pick up men like flowers. It was funny for me to listen to Patrick's suggestions ("Watch a movie in the dark with him and throw popcorn at him and get into a food fight", "Tickle him", "Just tell him you want to f*** him"), and then to see Kim's face as she comtemplated actually doing these outrageous things.

Today I suggested to Heather, whom I have yet to really hang out with, that we hang out this weekend, since I finally have some free time. She agreed, suggesting that we make cake. I was pleased with this answer and am looking forward to the weekend. In addition, Toro has agreed to cut my hair on Friday, since it's getting really long.

My friendship with Tatiana is also growing, despite my not seeing her on Halloween. She invited me to dinner tonight, and we went to Subway, and then to Target shopping. I put on my music and we sang and talked, and I met her roommate. It was a nice evening.

I'm very happy with this year. Things are so much better. And then the other day my dad suggested that for this summer, I just stay in Santa Cruz and find a job here. Which suits me perfectly, so now I'm very excited about that. The only thing I have regrets about at all is Mary. I haven't seen her in such a long time, and I didn't get to spend much time with her this summer, and now I'm not going home for Thanksgiving and won't see her until Christmas. I hardly talk to her anymore because whenever I call her, she's usually busy with work, tired, or on a date with her new boyfriend. It makes me sad because I know there's a certain point in a long distance relationship where you get too distant... and then there really isn't any going back. But I'm afraid it's going to happen soon because I just keep moving on, further and further away, and soon I won't be visiting home at all. To be honest, the only reason I want to go home is to see her. But now it's getting to the point where we are different people and we don't know each other so much anymore. I wish that didn't have to happen, but I don't see a way to avoid it.

But besides that bit of sadness, I'm very happy with the way my life is unfolding, and I can't wait for more.
 

Today, my body aches and hair is stiff and laced with salt. But despite being in a steady state of pain, this has probably been the best Thursday of the quarter. 1) I got sufficient sleep. 2) I'm caught up with my work. 3) It's almost Friday, and therefore, almost time to relax, and almost time to have fun... and Halloween, of course! And 4) Today, in kayaking, we went SURFING! It was SO MUCH FUN! The weather and the waves were perfect - not too hot, not too cold, no fog, no huge swells, no wind... it was a fine day. We beached ourselves, following the waves in, backpaddling when a wave came up behind us... and then our instructor released us and we were free to play in the surf and do whatever we wished. Naturally, I wanted to try catching a wave. At first, I didn't succeed, only getting small ones that were kinda fun, but not sufficient to really ride in. Then I got stuck on a sand bar, and it took a while to wiggle myself out. I went back out backwards, backpaddling through all the waves until it was calm. A wave went over the end of the boat and soaked me shoulders down, and I emerged laughing and hooting. I watched as Chelsea caught a wave, rode it, and then got rolled - she jumped out of the boat and went after her kayak. Then Tatiana wiped out, and everyone heard her scream as a larger wave tipped her over into the surf and the boat went over her head. She got back up and then chased after her boat in the shallow water. Then it was my turn, and I paddled out, looking behind me for the bigger waves... I saw one. I stopped paddling, turned the right direction, and then, as the wave came up behind me, paddled a bit for speed, and then leaned over and braced my paddle against the wave... my kayak caught on the wave, and I was pulled along, the wave trying to roll me sideways, my paddle counter-acting it's pull and keeping me upright so that I slid across the top of the water like a surfboard... no - a surfboat. But as the wave came upon me, my heart surged with adrenaline and excitement and my muscles seized up in preparation... and then, just as the wave hit, I was hit with my own wave of pain as my leg began to violently cramp up. I cried out, simultaneously trying to ride the wave and pain out. I was successful, and I ended up at the river mouth, my leg sore, but still in the kayak. I swore under my breath, both in pain and in ecstacy, in hurt and exhileration. Then I picked up my paddle to do it again.

... and alas, I DID do it again. I was paddling in, and behind me I saw a large wave- the kind of wave I'd been waiting for, the one I could really ride. I prepared myself and gripped my paddle in anticipation, thinking, at the last moment, that I was a little in over my head as the wave proceeded to break on top of me. It slammed into my kayak, and I jerked, thrusting my paddle onto the top of the wave, determined to stay on it as long as I could. And then, just as its full force hit me, and I started moving, my OTHER leg started cramping! This time, the pain won, along with the wave, and, clutching my leg in one hand and my paddle in the other, I went over, diving into the shallow water. My kayak continued surfing without me, and rolled its way all the way back to shore. I swore again, hopping on one foot in the water, comically wielding my paddle and chasing after my renegade boat with a limp, like a crotchety old man chasing after a mischievious child. After getting hit by several waves, I finally caught it and dragged it back to shore, where I nursed my crippled calf muscles and thought to myself: I've got to do that again.

Not to self: do not go to the gym the day before kayaking.

And now, I shall go on a walk - I'd run, but as it is, I can hardly make it up the stairs. I think it's funny though - it wasn't enough for me to get ONE leg cramp, no, it had to be TWO. Ah, the things life throws at you. Who would've thought by the end of the day that I'd end up limping? Not I. But it didn't matter - at work, I was actually ENERGIZED, still exhilerated from the morning's excitement, and I did the dishes with extra energy and speed and greeted people with a huge smile as I swayed to the music (being unable to fully dance from my full-body soreness). It was great. And more greatness tomorrow - and the day after. And for the rest of my life, I thought, as I walked from my last class today, face turned up towards the moon, half-concealed in fog, framed in stars... brilliance, beauty in every stab of pain. I rather like the soreness.

...

Older events of note:

10/25

The disco dance was a flop, but I'm glad because instead I spent the night talking with Ricardo. We had a really personal conversation about our pasts, and Ricardo got so worked up over some of it, that after a while, he said "I need to stop talking about this" and insisted that we play DDR (since that was what we had decided to do). The converstaion was about high school friends, and this crazy situation with his friend wherein the mom was so overprotective that she prevented them from being friends, and the high school ended up calling social services. And then on and on about family members and various situations and relationships we'd had, and how we coped with them... apparently, Ricardo has a bit of a temper, but that's okay. He remarked about how reluctant I was to talk about emotional things, and I was surprised because I actually think I'm pretty open about my life. I simply don't feel as emotional about it as he does. It's not a big deal to me. I'm a calm person, I never get angry, and I like to listen. He said, that's a good trait to have, listening. He said he sometimes felt like he was burdening his friends with all his ranting, and the fact that I can listen and I like to listen is a good quality for a friend.

Also, I suspect that he suspects that I like(d) him, for he has asked me several times "Am I the only one you called to invite to the dance?", things like that. He also came out and asked me: "So... do you like anyone right now?" in this kind of expectant way. I said "No, not really." "Have you ever had a boyfriend or anything like that? Do you date?" "No. Never." "Are you looking?" "Eh... not really. Just kind of living my life, and if something happens... then it happens. You know?" "Ah." I asked him: "Can I ask you the same questions?" And he said that he was looking for a relationship more actively. He told me about an attempt he made this year to tell someone he liked them, which ended up with a make-out session, and then the next day, that person told him that they weren't interested in a relationship with him. I told him a little about how I'd liked someone, and how I was kind of glad that I never got the guts to say anything because he ended up having a mental disorder. And from there, we got into this big discussion about meds and whether or not they help or cause more problems. I'm amazed at the similarities between our lives: he, too, has a younger brother and a younger sister, both of about the same ages as mine, and his brother also had ADHD, and his sister also is spoiled, and he too is distant from his dad and closer to his mother, but doesn't tell her everything... It's amazing, the number of parallels in our lives.

Then we played DDR, and he kept going on these tangents where he would recognize a song and then would have to show me the music video for it so I could listen, and he would tell me the history of the music and how a certain artist had developed, and so on. Some of the music videos were really bizarre, but the music was excellent. Later I told him that I don't usually listen to straight-up dance music, and he said that he should come listen to my music one day.

Today, I woke up and did some homework, wasting away the time until 5, when I'd agreed the night before to meet Ricardo downtown to go Halloween costume shopping (since Silvia cancelled our shopping trip yet again). It was hilarious helping Ricardo find what he needed, for as his costume, he had decided to dress as the opposite gender... which means that I got to help him pick out a pink turtle neck, a tight pair of jeans with sparkles on the butt, and a pair of girly shoes big enough to fit his feet. He tried it all on in the changing room, and when he came out, I couldn't stop laughing, it was great. I found a black shirt for my own costume (I'm going to be one of the black figures from the iPod commercials - I dress in all black, wear the white headphones, and strap a florescent-colored poster board to my back, and then dance in front of it), and then we walked around, Ricardo looking for a bra and tights, and I found my poster board. Eventually, he gave up on his search, so I'm just going to lend him a bra, and he's going to wear his own socks. He'll have to find someone else to do his makeup too, because I don't even have any, much less know how to put it on. It's going to be great fun next weekend, though, to see him walking around in his full ensemble, wig, bra, and all.

We got dinner downtown, he ate my soup when I got full, and then we headed back. We decided to have a game night (he was the one who thought of it - I myself had been intending on going home and doing homework). It was supposed to be at my apartment, but then he called his Porter friends, and they wanted it to be at their apartment. I was a little put off by this because of the awkwardness of my last visit to their apartment. But I went anyway, carrying my games in hand. I had Scrabble, Monopoly, and a card game called Fluxx, which I'd found as I was cleaning my room. When we arrived, I was immediately relieved - the awkwardness was gone. There was easy conversation between us all, me, Ricardo, Edith, and Nicole. Then we decided to play Fluxx because they'd never heard of it before, and it's a pretty fun game. The rules and objective are always changing in the game, so it's unpredictable as to who will win. It was also the starting point for many a pun and joke. Things got pretty silly at times. Eventually, we all got tired of playing, and went downstairs to the kitchen, where we made toast with this chocolate-hazelnut spread on it, which I then put whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top of. My creation was accepted immediately, and soon everyone was making one. Then Ricardo mixed chocolate with milk and whipped cream, and then sprayed whipped cream directly into his mouth. The whole time, we were all giggling and cracking jokes like little children.

Funny thing: when you give Ricardo too much sugar, he starts to laugh at EVERYTHING. It doesn't even have to be funny, and he'll be there, tossing his head back in uncontrollable laughter. He was sugar high and trying to tell us about this episode of a comedy he saw online, and we couldn't understand what he was saying because he would laugh between every word. Once, he left the room, and me and Edith were sitting there laughing and commenting on how crazy Ricardo was sugar high, and then waltzes back into the room and boldly says: "Let me guess what you guys were talking about: you were asking how me and her met, right?" (me and Ricardo). I said, "No, we were just laughing at how hilarious you are when you've had too much sugar." He then proceeded to laugh some more - laughing at the fact that he laughs too much. And, sitting there on the couch, laughing like he was with this hilarious expression on his face, I swear, he looked like he was high on more than sugar. Once he said a single word to himself, and started laughing at that, and me and Edith could not figure out what was so funny. Certainly, HE was funny. And then, when it came time to leave, Edith was stumbling up the stairs while laughing at Ricardo, and I commented: "He's high and you're drunk." A new bought of laughter ensued. We were all hissing with laughter, trying not to laugh too loudly because people were sleeping.

... Who needs drugs when you've got sugar?? I was laughing so hard and long that my cheeks started aching.

Good, good night. I haven't laughed like that in forever. In the future, if I ever want entertainment, I'll just give Ricardo some sugar.

Anyways, I'm very happy to have such a good friend this year, and to have met Edith and Nicole, this time in a less weird instance. They seem like really nice people who know how to have fun. We exchanged phone numbers as well, so perhaps they'll want to hang out sometime.

And, wow, it's 4 am already! How did that happen? One moment, it's two, the next it's four! Damn. Time flies. No wonder I'm yawning...

10/26

Today, I spent my morning inside, trying to finish up my short story. I ended up just modifying an old one and submitting that because I honestly don't have the time to think up a new story, and I'm really, really not very inspired right now. It's hard to be creative when you're stuck doing so much other reading. But I did my story, and I think it'll get some good reviews. Funny, I used to think that was a bad story, but when I read it now, I think it's pretty damn good. It'll be easy to expand with later, too.

The rest of the day I spent with Kim and Imani. We went to the dining hall, then I went to Safeway with Kim, then watched Men in Black II with them both, and went to the dining hall again. Kim was being crazy today and had started narrating everything that was happening, musical-style. She would make up a verse and sing it, off-tune, for every little thing that happened. "We are waiting for Patrick Perez! That's what I says!" she would sing in a sing-song voice, and then "Now we are going down the stairs, the stairs, the stairs! For a dinner late at College 8!" This was complete with dancing. I couldn't decide if it was funny or annoying.

And then as I was putting together my costume, Ricardo came over to get the bra, and he commented on the dress I was wearing: "Why are you wearing that?" I shrugged and joked: "I didn't feel like putting on pants." "Oh... it just looks so formal. Any reason for wearing it..?" "No, I just felt like it. It's comfortable." "Ah... okay." He didn't stay long because he needed to study, but he did examine my collection of books. He hugged me goodbye, and left. The whole time, Imani was in the living room, and I thought for sure that he would comment or ask me about how things are going with Ricardo, and then I would have to explain to him that I'm pretty sure he's gay... which is kind of awkward because I know Imani's response would be either disbelief or pity, neither of which I really need. But he didn't say anything, so I just finished my costume in peace.

10/28

Last night, I only got 2 hours of sleep, as I was writing my essay. I woke up, when to class, turned my paper in, slept through class, then decided not to go to kayaking, went home and slept for a good 5 hours. It was worth skipping kayaking. I probably would've fallen asleep on the kayak, been rolled by a wave, and drowned, I was that tired.

Now I am refreshed enough to go on a jog. And tomorrow, I'll probably go to the gym. I haven't been doing any physical exercise at all lately, no thanks to my sleep deprivation and massive amounts of homework. So I feel rather gross. I've been dying to find a little extra time to get out and hit the gym, but it hasn't happened so far.

Fortunately, I am now done with my major assignments, so I can go tomorrow. And I'm ready for the weekend as well - it's going to be a crazy one!

 

Today - today today today!!! I'm super hyper, super happy, and I can't seem to shut up, so brace yourself.

This happiness stems from a simple full night of sleep (9 hours), and possibly from the fact that I no longer like anyone and thus, no longer have anything to worry about, and feel FREE!!! Free to be me! I don't have to love anyone anymore, so I can go back to loving the world and loving myself! That one full night of sleep worked wonders for me, it really, really did. It was magical. Previously, I only got four hours of sleep... and the night before that, only 5... and the night before that, only 5 again... and all that sleep deprivation added up, so that on Wednesday, I was so tired that I felt physically sick. My limbs were shaking in exhaustion, and as I was walking, I felt like it was a real possibility that I might fall asleep while walking, hit my head, get a concussion, and die in my sleep. By the end of the day, I'd managed to make it through, but I felt all feverish and achy, and my head hurt. I thought, great: tired, hungry, cold, hormonal, AND sick. When my class ended for the night at 9, I went to the dining hall, ate, then went directly home, got ready for bed, and went to sleep. I didn't do any reading, but I felt like the sleep was much more important. And indeed, IT WAS.

I woke up, refreshed, NOT sick, and ready to face my day. I had considered skipping class to sleep more, but ended up deciding to go at the last minute - I ran there, but I arrived in timely fashion. I also considered skipping kayaking, just because it's physically exhausting and I was tired, still. But I went. I thought I would regret it because the swells were supposed to be huge - more 8 footers, with a wide period, the nasty kind - but it turns out that the waves were more choppy, and they hadn't yet turned into the huge wages they had threatened to become. We paddled into the fog, saw 4 otters - two were snuggling, so cute! - and then came back to the harbor, just as the waves were beginning to get big. We sat at the mouth of the harbor for a while watching the waves break by the jetty. A couple of guys had driven their van out to check on the lighthouse, but it wasn't such a good idea - the bigger waves hit the jetty, and the water jettisoned up in a wash of spray, all the way over to crash into the men and their van. They weren't expecting it, and we watched in amusement as they tried to hide behind the lighthouse so as not to get soaked again. Meanwhile, their car was periodically engulfed by the water splashing over the rocks. Then the men ran to their car and drove away. Later, we saw them laughing about it, and wringing out their clothes. Then we had a little fun on the way back by taking a sneaky route through the harbor. Our instructor told us: explore. Find all the sneaky little canals, try and use some of the catamarans as tunnels, look at the birds... And indeed, we did all those things. Although, we weren't expecting the bird we found to be so aggressive - instead of flying away or diving under the water, it swam towards Alisha and snapped at her from the water!

Then I had work - it turned out to be slow, so I had less work. And after Jasmine arrived, I had a good time, especially when we turned up the music and started dancing in the back room. This is when the first wave of hyper happiness hit. Maybe it had to do with the mocha I made myself... maybe not. I have a feeling, though, that it was just the combination of everything - the sheer relief or having slept, and knowing where I stand, and having a lot of work, but not worrying about it, and just dancing to the music. So I was really happy when I got off work. I went to my last class, a film showing of The Godfather. It was good. I danced my way home, only to find Kim going to the dining hall - I went with her, chatting a little too much because of my hyperness, saying whatever came to mind, and just being ridiculous. On the way home, my happiness was contagious, and me and Kim ended up singing "Penny Lane" (The Beatles) and skipping/dancing musical-style all the way home. We met with Imani at the bus stop, and he joined in. We got home, and I immediately left again, having decided to continue dancing around campus. I did so, happy and carefree and still really hyper. I had the urge to text people whatever popped into my head: "I smell purple!" or "It's a nice night!" or "I hear the owl!"

By the time I got home, I not only was still very happy, but I had decided what to write about for my short story for creative writing. I was listening to "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers (I think?), and thinking about it, and how Imani had told me "You could write about love" and I had said, "You mean, how it sucks?" But then the idea stuck a bit, and since that's whats current in my life, it would be easy to write. On my dance, I solidified the idea, and, upon reaching my decision, ran the rest of the way home so as to write it down immediately so as not to forget. My story will be (tentatively) the story of me (disguised as "a girl") and Kevin and Ricardo. Only, since it's a story, I will exaggerate some things, and simplify others, and keep the names ambiguous, and shorten the time frame. The first change: not only will the girl actually have a relationship with the "Kevin" figure, but "Kevin" will go crazy in a different, more aggressive way, and harm the girl in some way. She will try to stay away from him and become kind of lost and hurt and struggle to heal. This is when the "Ricardo" figure will step in - he'll be the unexpected friend who helps her to overcome the pain and begin to trust people again, as well as help her to open up, herself. Just when she is starting to open up and trust again, she realizes that she has come to love him, and, when the time is right, she makes a move that shows her emotions for him... which he then kindly rejects, for he is "just a friend". She'll be hurt again a bit... but then she'll come to the realization on her own that she's better than that, and she'll realize that she's fine just being single. "Ricardo" will call, and she'll tell him that she's okay, but just needs a little time on her own... then she'll go out dancing, much like I did this very night, and be very happy with herself and think that everything will be okay now. And just as she's dancing, three figures come up behind her - she doesn't see them coming, she goes down, and the story ends with her recognizing some detail - perhaps a certain smell or a piece of fabric? - that identifies the "Kevin" figure right before she blacks out (I'm leaving the ending ambiguous, as well).

I just like the idea of innocence, and being oneself... but still getting screwed over by the world, anyway. It makes a good story. It makes good food for thought. It'll be a good story. If you hadn't noticed, I like to include a little bit of a dark theme in my stories... I don't know why. Seems more real than saying: "And she walked off into the sunset with Ricardo and lived happily ever after..." And, after all, that's what really happened in the end - I didn't get the guy. I also didn't get attacked, but... *shrug*... I just added that to give closure to the story and to make a point.

... what do you think?

,,,

"One Headlight" - The Wallflowers

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

[Chorus:]
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

[chorus]

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

[chorus]


 

I've just been reading and reading and reading, and writing and writing and writing. I find it hard to believe that the day went by so fast. I would've thought that it would've gone slowly, since I woke up at 8am, but it seems to be on fast forward, and now night has already fallen. I woke up early today to write a 5-page essay that was due today at 12:30pm. I've come to know exactly how much time I need to write an essay, for I managed to finish my essay with only 15 minutes to spare. I wasn't stressed about running out of time at all - I know how long it takes to write on a topic such as this one, and I'm fairly confident in my essay-writing abilities, so I was able to get it out there and printed right on time, and feel pretty happy about the result.

Unfortunately, in my essay-writing splurge, I totally forgot about my other readings. As a result, I am now behind on my reading, and still have to read 2 plays, an essay, a book of theory, and 2 short stories by Wednesday. I also need to start my short story writing, for once the weekend arrives, I won't have much time to brainstorm. This weekend, there's a friends overnight beach birthday party, and I'm going shopping with Silvia on Saturday. That only leaves Sunday to write my next 5-7 page essay and my 5-7 page short story, as well as whatever other homework I'll have acquired by then. It's a busy week, and I'm behind, and I don't like being behind. I'm not stressed, I just would prefer to have it all done already so that I can relax a little more and have a little fun.

But as for today, I've been reading all day, and think I deserve a break before I go insane with physical restlessness. So I shall go on a run, assuming that it's not raining (the rainy season is officially here). Reading, reading, reading, and running, running, running... by the end of this quarter, I'll have been put through both mental and physical boot-camp. I can't wait to see the results of that. It's always awesome when you come to the end of another month and realize how much you've improved. Just imagine a whole quarter... reading, running, reading, running... I'll be an expert reader, and I'll have calves of steel. As it is, my upper body is growing more and more muscled to the point where the lines on my back are well-defined, I can see my biceps when I flex them, and I can actually see the beginnings of a set of visible abs. I like to put my hands on my hips, or across my back, and just feel the flexing of the muscles and bones as I twist. That's something I wasn't able to do last year. It's very exciting to me.

But anyway... the night is running short. I must seize it while I can! What's the expression? Carpe diem? Only, mine would be "seize the night".
 

Today was a pretty nice day: the afternoon was beautiful. It was sunny, with large fluffy clouds floating overhead, and those clouds, so innocent-looking at first, actually started to drizzle water on my head as I was walking back from the gym today. At first, I thought maybe it had just been a bird dropping... I never would've expected those whispy, weak-looking things to be capable of rain. But I felt more drops, and, sure enough, it was sprinkling. When I got home, it started raining at a moderate pace, and I had to run out onto our balcony to watch the rain fall, for rain in the sunlight is not something you see very often. But the suns rays were coming in from the side and underneath the high clouds, and the blue sky was shining through the whisps above. I looked up and searched, trying to find the cloud that was the cause of the wetness, but the clouds ahead were so thin, with blue peeking through, that it couldn't have been them. Perhaps the wind blew the rain over to us. Nevertheless, it was really beautiful and fulfilling to just stand out there and was the rain fall as the sun lit up the shining branches. And then the familiar smell of ozone drifted up from the newly damp soil, and I breathed in my favorite scent, utterly at peace. The sky was so beautiful, patchy clouds and blue sky and sunny rain... I badly wanted to run outside with a camera and take pictures. But I opted for just relaxing and enjoying it as an experience.

Today I felt like I was at some kind of summer camp, like the ones I'm most fond of from my memories of childhood. First off, my apartment has the air of a cabin about it, surrounded by the woods, isolated, beautiful. The rain just made it even more so. And then my apartment-mates were both home today, and I was enjoying a nice time lounging peacefully in the living room with them, fresh air coming in through the open balcony door, sunlight, rain, a pleasant physical exhaustion and cleanliness... it was refreshing. The only thing it was missing was for me to go and have a long, restful, dream-filled sleep, like the one you described. That would have made it perfect.

As it was, Kim made homemade chiles rellenos, and while she was cooking these homemade delicacies, me, her, Imani, and Imani's study partner/friend Maria had a long, long discussion about physical attraction. Kim and Maria had said that they were shallow in the way they chose their men because, they said, if the man in question wasn't physically attractive then that was it - they wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't good-looking. Imani was concerned about this. He said, how is a guy like me supposed to get a girl if they all reject men they don't find good-looking? It made him more worried about his looks. Meanwhile I voiced my own view on the subject: I didn't do it that way. In fact, I'm just the opposite: I don't even take looks into consideration. The girls were very skeptical of this and asked, "So when you met what's his name - Ricardo? - you didn't find him attractive?" I said, no. I had originally met him in dance class, and had noticed him because of the carefree way he danced - I had liked that he was able to dance like that without being embarrassed. Looks had nothing to do with it. And they still don't. I'm largely indifferent about the way people look.

This argument went on for at least two hours. We were all enjoying it despite it getting a bit heated at times. Several times, Imani and Maria would raise their voices, trying to make a point while the other tried to contradict what the other was saying. Kim, meanwhile, cooked, and occasionally nodded and added a comment or two. I sat there and listened: I thought all of it was extremely interesting. And then I posed possibly the most important question to Maria: "If a guy had everything you look for in a guy - everything you wanted - EXCEPT for looks, would you have a relationship with him?" She said no. But my question opened up a whole new line of thought, and eventually Kim and Maria conceded that sometimes the attraction wasn't all sexual. They said, you can grow to be sexually attracted to someone after you get to know them. And they also said that it was also more of mannerisms that made a person attractive: how confident they acted in themselves. I was happy - my question had the desired effect of making them think and change their minds a little, to see how one might come to love someone without them being physically attractive, initially.

It was a good, good night. I love discussions like that. I like seeing how other people see the world.
 

I do feel uncomfortable associating with Kevin, but not because of what happened last week with the mistake text. It's not the fact that he knows I think he's awkward that makes me uncomfortable, it's just... well... he is awkward, and I find it very awkward to be around him. I never know what to say because he doesn't say much. He just kind of stands there and watches me... or, at least, he did today. I was grocery shopping when I got a text from him, wanting to hang out. When I got back from the store, he came over to help me bake (I told him, that's what I was going to be doing) some pumpkin bread. Before he got here, I finally put up this year's quote wall - I went with white lettering on black paper, hand-written, this time. What with the art and the quotes and the blue jay feather I found and my new moon calendar, I think my room has finally reached the height of its decoration. I showed Kim my wall, and she then insisted that I put up the quote "Shit happens." I made this quote, and we had just decided that the perfect place to put it would be in the bathroom, when Kevin arrived. So the first thing he saw when he walked in was me holding a sign that says "Shit happens." Indeed.

Then we had to go on a short scavenger hunt to find another baking pan. I knocked on every door in the building, and finally, the last apartment I knocked on had one for me to use. Then we went back, and started baking. Kevin did his stand-in-the-corner-and-watch-me-silently thing, which I was uncomfortable with, so I started assigning him tasks. "Wanna get the flour?" "Measure out some oil for me, will you?" Occasionally, he would comment on my music, which was playing on random in the background. I welcomed these breaks in the silences with much gratification. Once we got the mixture in the pans and into the oven, we had an hour to kill. Kevin asked if we could play games... I said yes, go for it, but didn't play myself. I really don't like video games. If it's not Tetris or DDR, then it's not for me. So I watched Kevin play The Matrix on Xbox, trying to relax on the couch (the moment Kevin got there, my hands started shaking for some reason, and I was just really on edge). To make conversation, I told him about my night last night, and the crazy creep that kept stealing everything. Unfortunately, he didn't have any stories to tell me in return - "My life's pretty boring" - so I just had to sit there. I told him I had to write a short story, but had major writer's block - he suggested that I could write about someone with schizophrenia. Then commenced a strange discussion of last spring. I told him about the creepy muttering and laughing to himself, which he didn't remember having done. He said something about hearing voices, but didn't want to elaborate, so the discussion was dropped. Awkwardness abounded. I checked the bread. It was done. It was 7:30 and Kevin had to leave. I walked to the door, said goodbye, and closed the door behind him.

I really hope Kevin's knowledge of me talking about him to Mary doesn't make him think that I like him and think about him all the time. Because truly, I don't like him anymore. The feeling's well gone. What's left is awkward and strange, a kind of acknowledgement of and respect for one another which somewhat but doesn't quite amount to a friendship. It's just weird. While spending time with him isn't torture, it isn't my favorite thing, either. It's about on the same level as if I had spent my evening alone - not wholly unpleasant, but lacking something, all the same.