I feel a lot better lately, and I'm feeling somewhat deeper in the past couple of days. I can now look at Bob and say "yes, I can feel that I love you."

Some things are not going as well. I found out last night that my brother's wife's father passed on yesterday. He had a massive heart attack like my father did back in 2001. I know my brother was very close to him. I hope that I can be of some comfort even though I am so far away.

I have an individual assignment for school this week. I already read the first of the three chapter reading assignments. I will start working on the paper on Monday, reading one chapter a day until then. Things are going okay now with school now that I have the energy.

I guess I am over the hump that the Remeron caused. I am relieved, but yet concerned if it will happen again. I am leery of taking another medication to help me with sleep. So far I've tried two with very negative results.

I just hope that things continue to go well in the meantime.
 

Saw my psychologist yesterday. She put me on a booster to my anti-depressant called Celexa for 10 days. Hopefully I will be over this hump by then. If not, we might have to look at changing my anti-depressant, Lexapro, to something else as Medicare will not cover it being increased.

My Social Worker was here today. I don't know why I see her; she really doesn't do much for me.

After my Social Worker left, Bob and I went fishing for a couple hours. Didn't even get so much as a nibble. We might have to look for a new spot or have to bite the bullet and use artificial bait at Roaring River.

Tomorrow I see my new therapist. I hope that he isn't as young as others seem to make him out to be. Somehow I just can't relate to someone who hasn't had as much life experience as me. Of course, there aren't too many that have been through everything I have.

After seeing my therapist I have school tomorrow night. I am not looking forward to it, but participation in class is part of our grade and I had to duck out early last week because I was physically ill. At least this week all we had was a team assignment, and I just finished my part. I'm not looking forward to having to concentrate on an individual assignment again next week.

Hopefully things will start looking better soon.
 

I knew I could count on my friends and family of writing.com to help me in my time of crisis. "Me and my illnesses"  [18+]

After coaxing from several friends here on writing.com in chat, I went to my psychiatry office yesterday. I have an appointment with my psychologist to talk about changing my meds this afternoon, and have an appointment to start with a therapist on Thursday. (I feel depressed about it though as it is a long drive and we really can't afford the gas. I feel like a burden to Bob.)

Bob has taken apart the guns in the house. That is somewhat a relief.

I have to work on my school paper today but that is something that will keep me going as I deal with this situation. I am also going to let my school know that I am having trouble and see if we can start some kind of peer counseling group through them. I doubt it but we shall see.

I also hope to do some reviewing soon of other people who are going through similar things as me.

Again, thank you. Without the support of my writing.com family, I really wouldn't know anywhere else to turn to find people who truly understand.




 

9:00 a.m.


I wrote a short story for a contest on writing.com. Don't have it typed yet but at least I wrote it. The contest deadline isn't until March 25, so I got time.

I haven't done any reviewing yet. With all the reading I've had to do online for school this week (four chapters) I haven't wanted to do any more.

I still have three chapters to read for school as I took yesterday off and did some yard work. The weather has been really nice. Will probably do more yard work today, but I'm going to get at least one chapter read first.

I haven't done any offline reading lately. Also want to try to do some of that today.
I also want to try to get that short story and some notes for my writing workbook typed into the computer today.

I think this is a short list to do today, saying I still have all day to do it.

11:04 a.m.

I read chapter 11 of my school assignment, but I have two more chapters to read. I also did some crocheting as relaxation before reading.

4:25 p.m. I typed that short story into my computer, created it as an item on here ("The Darkest Storm"  [ASR]) and submitted it to the contest.

I took a nap inbetween and am depressed since wakening. I wonder why I continue with this blog or even with this site at all, no one seems to notice or care. Oh well. Maybe someday something will come of it.


 

With the weather having cleared up I am doing a lot better with my depression.

I don't have an individual assignment due this week, but I do have four chapters to read. Still, I'm hoping to catch up on writing.com and do some serious work on "Rage of Envy"  [13+] as well as write a short story for a contest.

Part of catching up will be to do some reviewing for Knights of the Review Table.

There's so much on my plate right now, but I resolve to undertake to do it joyfully. One of my new resolutions is to stop being so lazy and turn my extra time, which I have plenty of, towards my writing.

There's not much I can do at the moment to otherwise further my career. I have been putting applications in around town, but so far no one has called. Probably because I have no work experience here, and the last time I worked was 1989. Hey, that's what having a disability can do to you. I could volunteer someplace, but so far all I've found is the animal shelter and they won't give me a schedule. Otherwise I could at least use that as a reference.

I'm hoping this finds everyone else well. I hope that I can keep my spirits up and continue to be productive.








 

I just finished reading chapter three of my school assigned reading for this week. That makes the reading part of the assignment finished. Whew.

I still have a paper to write, but today is the last day of my inventory of my encounters with mass media. It has been interesting to say the least.

I also was writing longhand notes on Nezoom today. Having KrisTee as a RPG character in a writing.com game has helped me a great deal with ideas and developing her character.

I still have major rewriting to do on Rage of Envy. I just haven't had the time to really work on it between schoolwork, being sick, and my muse playing with Nezoom. Still, today is only the last day of February and my goal is to have it ready for submission by 2011. I still have plenty of time and I am satisfied with the progress I have made so far.

Okay. Goals for March:

To write two more things new besides my schoolwork this month.

To keep up with my groups here on writing.com.

To start reviewing again.

To read the newsletters I get from writing.com.

To enter at least one contest this month, with something longer than a poem.

I think that's enough.
 

I just finished my third assignment for my Business Management Course. I received the next three assignments in the mail today so I figured I would work on it.

I also read Chapter two of my readings for my Psychology course assignment for this week. I am keeping track of the mass media I encounter over the next three days as instructed. I still also have to read Chapter three for this week. I'll do that tomorrow.

I also read two more articles in my current issue of Writer's Digest.

Things are going well. I don't feel right as I still am dealing with remnants of that bad bout of almost flu I just had (not to mention I am having a hard time with my monthly this week). Considering all of that I think I am doing extremely good.



 

I've been doing pretty good.

I edited "Finding Nezoom"  [ASR], but I need to still upload the changes to writing.com.

I offline edited "Rage of Envy"  [13+]. It needs major rewrites. I'm going to get most of the rewrites done on my computer before I start rewriting what is here on writing.com.

School is going well. I have the first official night of class for "SOC/105: Introduction to Popular American Culture" tonight. Looking forward to it. I got my first paper for the class done a long time ago.
I'll probably put it on writing.com when I get done writing this entry.

About the only thing that isn't going well is reviewing. I just can't get myself to do it. I have a hard time sitting at the computer reading something, and now that my school books are online it is just killing me. It drives my eyes crazy.

Some things are working out, still others need some time and effort. Like my runes advise: I'm going to try to undertake it joyfully.



 

I have come to realize that word count is important. I have been reading Writer's Digest Magazine and The Writer Magazine looking at the contests. Most of them list a word count as one of the requirements.

I also noticed that the poetry contests ask for a line count.

Today I went through most of my port and added word counts to my items and line counts to my poetry. I feel good about it.

After I get done here I'm going to add chapter by chapter counts to my novel, "Rage of Envy". Well, maybe not when I get done here, and maybe not all the chapters, but I will sometime.

It is important. For those of you who don't think it is, research some of the contests available, even here on site. A lot do ask for word counts and line counts.

Just some advice I thought I would share.
 

I didn't get back to my entry yesterday because I could barely see the computer. I have a sore throat and my sinuses feel like they are throbbing and want to come out of my nose.

I don't plan on spending much time anywhere but bed today. I'm sorry if I'm not living up to my obligations here on writing.com, but I just can't sit up for long periods.
 

My writing is at a standstill. I don't have the patience to review. My schooling is on hiatus until Tuesday. Changing courses.

The only thing I can think of is reading offline and I can't even bring myself to do that.

I am a mess.

Hopefully things will be better later on. Will write more later.
 

Well, that paper for school isn't going as well as I hoped on the 14th, but it's going. I still have some major rewriting to do on it.

I started the prompts for "The Ultimate Writing Workshop"  [ASR] for March. I figured it's not going to go anywhere if I don't do anything with it, so I decided to open it back up and start doing prompts again. Here's to hoping that something will happen with it.

I wrote a short story. I don't know if it's ready to be put on WdC yet. I need to type it in the comp and see what it looks like printed out. Of course, I'll have Bob read it to see what he thinks, and probably do some editing before I put it on here. "The Bag"  [ASR]

Didn't do that third assignment for my Business Management course yet. I should, and it won't take that long, but I'm just procrastinating and finding other stuff to do instead. A writer's work is never completed. I just need to make myself do it.

Have been doing a lot of reading. Read the WdC newsletters I got today. Even sent comments back on two of them. I should get more before the day is out. Hey, at least I am reading them. The first two batches I got I deleted them without reading.


Things are settling into some sort of routine. It's good. I'm not using my moods as an excuse to not do things. If I don't want to be bored, I need to get up and do something. It is as simple as that. Telling myself I don't want to do that is not going to decrease the boredom.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana


 

I've gotten over my pessimistic mood, somewhat. I still think the world is going to hell, but hey, doesn't everyone?

I've got a paper due this week for school, of course. I'm doing fairly well on it so far.

I haven't done anything more for my Business Management course. I might try to do the third assignment today. Then I'll have the excuse of waiting for more materials to not work on it.

I haven't been writing. I did some very short reviews last night, but at least I reviewed. I've decided to not sweat my novel. If it's meant to, it will come. I wrote some notes on it yesterday. I suppose I could work on getting the rest of it edited and the extra scenes wrote. I have some idea of where it's going to go from where it's at, but like I said, I'm not going to sweat it. I said I wanted to have it ready to submit by the end of the year, but it's only February.

I'm reading some about writing. I read something yesterday in The Writer, though, that a woman was doing more reading about writing than actually writing. She finally took all of her books about how to write and packed them away, and that's when she started writing. I don't know. I feel like I need to read more about plotting. That seems to be where my problem lies. I have books on plotting and creating scenes that I haven't even opened yet.

Some things are working out, others are just going to take time. Here's to having the time to spend on it.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana


 

Life sucks.

I feel like I am just existing. I go through the motions day after day with no satisfaction. None of it is moving my life forward or changing.

I found myself asking last night, "What's the point?" What is really? Nothing I do in my pitiful little life is going to change the world. We will still have this sucky monetary system of ours where people are chasing the almighty dollar and money equals power. We are still going to have a sucky president that everyone complains about but does nothing to change it.

That's what everything is coming down to. One person can't make a difference, and no one wants to band together to try to change anything. They all have too much going on in their personal lives. They'd rather just sit back and complain. I'm starting to think that if a person didn't have something to complain about that person wouldn't be happy.

Sorry. I'm just in a depressive, pessimistic mood and needed to rant because I couldn't think of what to put in here. I apologize if I offended anyone.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana
 

Written for Happy 2010 Every1, from Cosmic while discussing poetry in chat.

I know I said I wasn't counting blog entries as part of my "Writer's Encouragement Chat"  [ASR] goal, but I am considering this one as part of it as I did write something new. I just didn't put it in my port as a Static Item.


P.S. I also finished my second assignment for Business Management today. I only have one more assignment, then I have to wait for more course materials.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana

This Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is getting to me bad. I want to get outside and work on the yard. I want to paint my office, but I need to open the windows to do that. It's like 40 degrees and there is snow on the ground.

I worked on my school assignment again today. I still haven't read the chapter. Hopefully when I do, I'll get ideas on what I can add. The word count still isn't there. I had it submitted for review yesterday, but changed it up some today, so resubmitted it. Still it has to be 700 - 1050 wds and this barely hits 700 including the title page and reference page, which don't count.

I did a watercolor painting. It looks like a two year old did it, but you know what they say about practice. At least I tried.

I am just so depressed. I have that too. I don't want to do anything, but I don't want to lay around or sleep. I just want to stop existing. I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm just depressed and have no interest in anything. I think, I can do this or that, but none of it sounds like fun.

I hope that something changes soon.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana
 

I thought I should try to explain this, but I don't want to make a static item for it, because it's easy to tell in a few words....

I have Dissassociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Split-Personality Disorder.....

That's what this item is about:

ID: 1537800   (Rated: ASR) Title: Different Facets  Description: Just all different parts of the one. By: Kristiana

That was written by the personality that is the main, me, Kristiana....

These were written by Kim:

ID: 1543513   (Rated: XGC) Title: I'm not there  Description: ...that's not me..... By: Kristiana

ID: 1537789   (Rated: GC) Title: Wanting to Bleed  Description: Warning! Suicidal Ideations! By: Kristiana

"we" don't want to deal with those feelings every second of every day. Therefor, I, Kristiana, who am strong enough to push those memories aside, is "out here" dealing with day to day reality....

There used to be forums here for us to help each other with mental health difficulties. They were good forums. I am sorry that they are gone. I would start them back up myself, but I am no expert. The best I can do, for now, is this:

ID: 1573771   (Rated: ASR) Title: Mousey Kids Talk  Description: For my adopted kids (and potential adoptees) to hang and talk. By: Kristiana

I hope that any of you dealing with anything will feel free to email me, at any time, or post in that forum. Let's try to help each other. Helping others helps me. I think it might be the same for you.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana


 

Nothing is finite.

Think about it.

Each word has a definition, made up of words with definitions, made up of words with definitions....

Going back to Sparks and Milliseconds... there could now be something that is one millionth of a Spark or a Millisecond.... Once you give that a name (or label), something could be one millionth of that....

Have you ever tried to count to a gazillion? Still, numbers go on beyond that....

I just haven't been able to get out of thinking like this. It has made my life easier though. By realizing how much everything goes on and on, and how small some things are in comparison to some other things, I've been able to let a lot of things go and not take things so seriously.

I think we could all use some of that.

Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana
 

         Every word in every language is either a label or a clarifier. It is made up of symbols with each symbol’s parts having labels. Labels are used to explain things that are unexplainable.

         That being said, let me try to explain something.

         Everything is made up of Sparks. There are more Sparks in a microscopic organism then you would be able to count if you tried for every millisecond of the next billion centuries. Every Spark is in constant movement and thus comes into contact with infinite numbers of other Sparks every millisecond. Each time two Sparks touch, it changes both Sparks forever. Thus Sparks are in a constant state of change.

         To say that Sparks exist or don’t exist is to give them a label. Labels are used to explain things that are unexplainable.

         Let’s take it a step further, shall we?

         Each millisecond is unique. There will never be another millisecond in that space in that time. Thus goes back to Sparks and the constant state of change. To call it a millisecond is to give it a label………


         Are these the ramblings of a lunatic? A profound revelation? Or are you even reading this? You decide.


Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana
 

Inkpop.com, I think. I haven't really explored it too much, but it seems you can post your work there for possible publication with HarperCollins. Sounds too good to be true, which means it probably is, but I'm going to give it a try.

My Learning Team is coming for a session today. It's kind of funny. Bob always teases me that I'm going to throw him out for two younger guys, and my LT consists of two younger guys. Erik is engaged, and a decent guy. Tim is a decent guy too and is married and I think he has kids. Both of their women seem to be very trusting, and I've told both guys that if they want to bring them over to meet me they can.

I also did a sketchy bad drawing of KrisTee last night. I figure if I keep trying that I will eventually get better. In time, I hope to do pretty good paintings of my characters and the landscapes and scenery.



Peace, Much Love, and Blessed Be,
Kristiana