Hey!

So ummm, hi everyone.

What to say... well I'd like to say I've been busy and that's why I haven't updated properly in months, but it'd be a lie. I'm not busy. In fact I'm pretty bored a lot of the time, I'm just too lazy to write in here. I'm pretty down, as per, and as such, I just can't be arsed with anything.

Kate and I sort of broke up. I say sort of, because she ended it, on no uncertain terms, and yet, nothing has changed between us. We talk to each other the same way, we are still 'in a relationship' on FB (I hate the fact that fb is a point of reference on whether I still have agf, but that's modern day life for you I guess) - I just don't really know what's happening anymore.

She's staying out there longer than originally planned you see. She's not going to be coming back in March. She doesn't seem to have made her mind up on when she'll be returning yet, could be anytime from the end of april to August, and quite frankly, I'm in pieces over it.

I'm lonely. I'm broke... I moved into my own flat, which I quite frankly adore. I love my little home, it's so nice having my own space, but it's definitely more lonely. Lots of time to think. I have some new toys to play with... I got an eReader, and an iPhone (yeah I sold out, so sue me) I got internet in the flat (which was my final excuse not to update in here destroyed, lol) so I'm trying to just keep myself entertained, but it's hard. I don't have many friends round here, and I don't have the funds to go and visit my friends in the north.

What else is there to tell you? I dunno tbh, work is crap, I earn pennies these days...

My family have been pretty awesome recently... my little brothers keep coming round here to visit. I think having a big sister with her own pad is a big novelty for them. I only live a mile away so they can walk/bike up here, which Alex, being 13 now, did today. So nice to chill out with them and cook for them etc.

I'm going to go, as I can't really think of much else to say. I know life's been worse etc... so I'm dealing reasonably with all this stuff, but can't help feeling a bit crappy with all this Kate stuff going on. also, my cat went missing over a week ago and I miss him too :(

Kay xxx
 

Just to say, i'm still alive and shit.

life not wonderful atm.

Later.
 

Merry Christmas Guys :)
 

Weird dream I want to write down for future reference...

I logged onto Facebook and Kate had changed her profile picture to one of us, but she'd distorted my face on it. Then as I went through all her photo's, I saw that all the ones with me on, had my face distorted.

Anyone want to disassemble for me?

I may look it up
 

Updating time I guess... Zowie reminded me I haven't written in here in ages.

What to tell you... well I've been back from Aus for 2 weeks...

Pics, incase you want to see http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=248458&id=532893634&l=1e96bfd6fc
and
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=248465&id=532893634&l=efe6321196

I'm missing Kate terribly. We had an amazing 2 weeks together, we really did.
There was some worry that we were going to split up when I got back, to try and make this seperation thing a bit easier... and then when I got back, that went out of the window, lol.

We're getting on better than ever, but it doesn't change the fact I'm still 3 months away from having her home. I'm worried about it, believe me...

I'm moving into my own flat in 2 weeks, which is exciting. My first place that's my own. I'm looking forward to that at least :)

Kay xxx
 

I'm back from aus.

Best 2 weeks of my life.

But I'm hurting now, and I don't want to talk about it.

God I love her so much it's painful.
 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 4 days!!!!!!!!

*does the I'm going to Aus in 4 days dance*


I'm so excited it's insane.
 

I keep going to title journal entries, only to have the exact title I had in mind pop onto the little dropdown box that suggests I've already used it. I'm clearly not very imaginitive when it comes to titles.

I'm trying to work out some sort of agenda for what to do on the plane. It's a bloody long flight. I'm a smoker, so I'm going to have to find something to take my mind off the unending craving I'm going to have for cigarettes.

I'll take my MP3 player for musical distraction, but the battery on it isn't going to last the entire flight. So I'll have to break that up. also, I could do with some new tunes to listen to. any suggestions?

I'll have books... I'm not sure which ones to take... I was thinking the LOTR series, because the books I have are small (easy to pack) and the print is tiny, which means I'm less likely to finish them and have nothing to read.

I'll take a notepad, so I can write... but I find it hard to concentrate on writing when I'm anxious, like I'm undoubtably going to be, with the lack of smoking.

any ideas people? I have two 26 hour flights to fill. HELP!?!

Kay xxx
 

Today feels like a good day to write. Perhaps because I'm happier today than I have been in some time.

I can't really describe the last few days in any other term but anxious. I've felt crap. No sleep, panic attacks have been a pretty often occurence, and all because I spent too much time thinking too deep into what Kate was, or rather wasn't saying.

For the first time in my life I decided that trying to deal with it in my head was not going to work, so I asked her, in no uncertain terms, if she did indeed want me to visit her in Aus. It sounds silly I know, but for a week now it seems she's avoided reciprocating any of my 'I can't wait to see you' s and most of my 'I miss you' s.

It took her 24 hours to answer that email and I don't think my blood pressure dropped below a dangerous level for the entire time. But answer she did, and she's aware she's been a bit distant, with hindsight, but didn't mean to be. She is looking forward to seeing me, and is missing me etc.

It sounds so daft now, writing it down, but I have been plagued with this fear... that she didn't want my company any more, but didn't want to say anything in case she hurt my feelings, or buggered up my need for a holiday, or whatever.

Anyway. Sydney in 10 days :D :D :D
 

So far, only Spidey said she'd want to play. I mean, Spidey and I could play Ftl.... but it wouldn't be a very long competition.

Let me know if anyone else out there owuld like to play...

Hello?..... *tumbleweed* ..... HELLO??? ..... HELLO!?!?!?!