Ahem... yes, the results are in... as of right now, I am 6 weeks pregnant!!! I could nearly fall over! I'm overjoyed!

Wow... where does the time go?

First and foremost...

IVF:

We had to cancel the first cycle - my body didn't react as well to the medications as we thought it would. So we cancelled and then started again the next month with a new medication. I still didn't react as well as they wanted me to, but we did manage to get two eggs from retrieval. From the two eggs, we got one mature. That one little egg did fertilize and we were the proud parents of a PERFECT embryo. That EmBaby was transferred into me on the sixth of this month. We will get our results - see if I'm pregnant - on the 20th. I'm a crazy wreck!!!

This is absolutely insane for my nerves. I'm crazy with worry, hope, and fear... it's a bundle of emotions that follow me through each day, each night, every minute of the day. I'm afraid to hope too much... the possibility is so remarkable...

I've been on "minimum activity" orders for nearly a week and a half with another week to go. I'm working on a 1,000 piece puzzle. I've been doing some writing and some reading and trying to keep my mind off things. But let me tell you, it's harder than I thought it would be!

Well, first I must apologize for not updating sooner... things are hectic! Where should I start??? Well, I think I'll start with a general overview: I'm good! Things are chaotic and stressful but I'm peachy!!! The weather pretty much sucks - it's so friggin' hot - we are on week three of heat indexes above 103 (some ranging clear up into the teens and a few days in the one-twenties!). I am not a fan of the heat at all... then again, I hate the snow too. I like it between 50-80 degrees... that's my range. We haven't gotten much rain either so everything is brittle and yucky! Ugh!

If I said, things just keep changing - just keep getting better, you'd probably think I was crazy. But I'm not crazy (well, aside from the usual state of my sanity). I'm just finally seeing through a new set of eyes.

Life is out to get me right now, I think. I'm having to make decisions - I can't keep going on the way I have been. Part of me has "shut down". I tried to throw out the warnings a long time ago. I tried to reach out. Those attempts were thrown back in my face and now I'm thinking it might just be too late for any of it to matter any more.

I pride myself on being a compassionate, loving, and loyal person. I'm usually so hard to push past the point of no return - and I struggle, digging my heels in to keep myself from going that route. And yet, now that I'm standing on the other side of the line, I don't feel compassionate or loving. I feel angry. I feel ruthless. And in all honesty, I feel relief. I don't have to keep trying to fight it.

So where do we go from here? I don't know for sure. I'm on the fence there. Part of me wants to just pack up my shit and get the hell out - finally... the other part is thinking of everyone but myself...

But I won't go into too much detail on here... you know there are always eyes where there shouldn't be!

I'm still working out everyday. I'm thinking I'm probably a couple weeks away from losing a pants size! It is a big stress reliever for me. I am able to get out some aggression and that is MY time... I'm glad most of the time that I don't have to share that time with anyone... I get some time to myself to just think and work my body.

Work is insanely busy right now. Looking at lots of long hours over the next few months. Glad for that. I need it right now.

So... that's where I stand. I'm trying my best to be cool - to be reserved and not do anything rash. Life sucks. But I'll survive because I know now that I am stronger than I ever thought I was!

Oh yes, Monday came sneaking up on me again! But it's okay, after a very busy and productive weekend I'm very happy and okay with another week beginning.

Friday afternoon my stepson was bailed out of jail. That was a big stress relief. Now we are working on getting him an attorney. I sometimes wish that I could just smack them all. Damn kids would just follow the laws to begin with, we wouldn't have these problems.

So... Friday night we went and saw Red Riding Hood. I loved it - thought it was fantastic. Then we went to Steak 'n Shake (one of my favorites! ) for a late dinner.

Saturday I got my hair trimmed up and went grocery shopping. Did some writing and watched The Crazies and Prince of Persia. Both were good but I loved Prince of Persia...

Yesterday, Dave and the boys (Bo and Mikel) did yard work while I did my spring cleaning routine. I got laundry done as well. I felt very productive by the end of the evening. I made corned beef and cabbage in the crockpot so when it was time to eat it practically just fell apart. It was delicious. At least, I thought it was - but the picky boys don't like cabbage. And except for Dave, it appears they don't really care for corned beef either. That's fine, next time I will just get a very small roast and make it for myself. They can eat something else! Doesn't bother me any.

Well, last weeks entry into "The Weekly Quickie Contest"  was a first place winner! Yay!!!

ID: 1758212   (Rated: XGC) You Belong to Me  Cannan will do whatever it takes to make Julia admit who she belongs to. by ShadowedHeart 32 wks Pregnant

ID: 1756259 Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. by Not Available.

** #1758400 Not An Image **





 

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Ah, so my earlier entry was rather "personal" in nature - it was based upon emotions. It was, as I needed, a ventilation of pent up emotional energy. Now that that's out of the way and a bit of time has passed, I am feeling somewhat better and have decided perhaps I should take a moment to document what I am working on in the writing world! That said, I have decided to start a secondary blog which will ONLY discuss my muse and writings. This blog will be specifically dedicated to my life as a writer, aside from my life as a daughter, wife, sister, mother, aunt, friend, paralegal - you get the picture!

I plan to start this new blog today. So, I will post the link to it here shortly!
 

So as I'm sitting here, thinking about the start of a new year and all the things life could possibly have in store for me during 2011 - it occurred to me that at the beginning of 2010 I thought for sure it would be a great year - that everything was going to turn around and be the best it had ever been...

I was wrong.

2010 has been one of the hardest years I've had. I've had to do a lot of "facing the music" and "reflecting" and found myself dealing with a lot of things I'd hoped to never have to deal with. My depression has come back in full swing and my anxiety is just as bad as ever. Dave and I have struggled horrendously; I no longer have a great relationship with my mother; my sister and I are speaking but that's it; and I'm in therapy. Way to go 2010!

Now, as I'm reflecting on 2010 and looking towards 2011 - I must admit, I am scared shitless. What's to come? Is it only going to get harder, worse, scarier? Will this be the year that it all comes crumbling around me? OR...

Is this my year? Maybe there will be major changes, but will this be the year I am FREE? Is this to be the year that I finally see a reflection of the life I want to live and realize it is just within reach? Will this be the year for all those old dreams? A finished novel? Forgiving my mother? Resolving anxieties and fears? Realizing that I do have a place in this big ole world? Is this the year?

I don't have the answers. I'm full of fear and anxiety and yet... I've a little hope left in me. I'm still hoping the sun will shine and the rain will, at the very least, lessen to a light drizzle; the type of rain you are thankful for when the sun gets too hot.

I've been blessed with some amazing friends. I truly have the best friend... but... at the same time, when put into a position where you are watching some type of relationship grow between your best friend and your husband... ugh, I can honestly say that I trust her - and yet, perhaps it is just too much. Perhaps I don't share well; don't play well with others; am just a jealous bitch. But I know that right now, this is my biggest hurdle. The insecurities; the fear; the hurt; the jealousy. Perhaps unfounded, or perhaps the early warning bells of a catastrophe about to unfold. At what point do I rise up and scream at the top of my lungs that "IT MUST STOP"?

Confrontation is not my strong suit. I do not wear the shoes well. I prefer that I not have to get down and dirty - that I am able to make my point without having to be a nightmare. But when I have expressed myself time and again, and no one is hearing me - well, I'm to the point of doing one of two things: Giving up and walking away (not the easiest thing to do and yet, maybe easier than the confrontation?); or throwing one hell of a temper tantrum. Yes, those are my choices it seems. Because really, how do you choose between the two people you love most in the world?

Yeah, yeah, I know the whole "forsaking all others" but when I have not had the privelege of being his "choice" all along - how do I then choose him, a 10 year relationship, over a friendship, a best-friendship that has lasted 20+ years? Can that be answered? Or perhaps, in the reality, they have chosen eachother by choosing not to hear me? Ouch.

Right now, my job is the only stable, steady thing in my life. It's always there - waiting for me. Everything else seems to be floating on the breeze, like little kites, waiting to see if I'm to let them go or bring them home...

I'm standing at the crossroads - the decisions are in my hands - and the year is about to turn - so now... what?

So when the holidays are upon us, it often happens to do two things - bring our spirits up in anticipation of the joy and merriment, and then let them down after the rush is over. I'm in that low period - that "back to real life" stage of things. The excitement is over - Christmas has come and gone - and now it's back to real life I must go... shove me a bit harder...

And so things are still rough. It's all changing so much and I'm trying to keep up but as my husband told me last night - "you are just really insecure about something and you need to get over it" - I guess that sums it up, doesn't it? I mean, who am I to possibly believe that there is any reason for me to be insecure? Who am I to have feelings? To think they are valid? To be afraid, jealous, angry, sad, happy, or any of those other crazy emotions everyone else is allowed to feel? Who am I?

Yeah, I was, last night, and still am, pretty pissed off. I mean, really? Well to hell with him too as obviously my insecurities are nothing but a thorn in his side - does he think I enjoy them? Oh, yes, I sure do just walk through life looking for reasons to be suspicious and untrusting - I to feel as though I have no one I can count on and that everyone is going to hurt me so what's the point? Yes, that is what I enjoy most in every relationship I have. Asshole. I really just don't get it.

And who has any right to tell me that I should not be insecure? That I should not feel what I feel? After all - has he walked in my shoes? Hell no. And yet he knows it all. Keep pushing, eventually I will fall off your flat little world. Do my eyes not see what they see? Do I not hear what I hear? Am I stupid along with blind and deaf? And how much longer will the truth be hidden? Really? How much longer can the lies be covered in bullshit? And what when they are revealed?

Yeah, Merry Christmas, Brandy; a wonderful day followed by hellish reality - welcome back to the real world... and yet they wonder why you need therapy?

So, it's Christmas time - usually a busy time of year. There are presents to buy, plans to make, meals to fix, and people to see. Decorations must be put up, presents wrapped. But...

This year, we are moving. We have spent the entire weekend packing and moving, taking things to the new house. We are hoping to be sleeping at the new house by Wednesday night.

Yeah, I'm busy. I'm stressed. I'm frustrated - but I'm happy we are moving. With so many people living with me, sharing my space, it is very important that we get a bigger house - that everyone has their own piece of space. The house is bigger, as far as bedrooms go - so I'm good with that for sure.

Now, tomorrow I have to go to work - then get off a bit early as the delivery guys will be at the new house after 4:30 to deliver our new washer, dryer, and couch. Ahhhhhh...

Tuesday is work, then therapy...

Wednesday is work.

Thursday is my bestie's preliminary divorce hearing where temporary custody will be decided. Then we have to finish moving. Friday is Christmas Eve and lots of unpacking. Saturday is Christmas and then Sunday will be full of unpacking. Then I work Monday-Thursday and Friday is New Years Eve. We are planning to have a New Years Party at the new house... so I have a very busy next couple weeks - add in cleaning the old house and just every day life, and I'm hoping that at some point I will have some time to breathe.

Now I must head to bed as it is getting late and I DO have to work tomorrow. I hope everyone has had a great weekend.

And just a note as to my mental health... it has been put on hold. I'm still in the "building the wall back up" mode - and still believe that is what is best for me. But I also know that right now I must focus on life and moving and the holidays and so I'm trying not to allow the other things to really come into play right now - I can deal with all this after the new year.

Ok, now I'm off to bed. G'night!

So, as I'm sure you've all figured out, I have been really struggling lately. I've overwhelmed myself with the emotional and mental journey I've started and am to a point where if I don't make a change, do something different, I'm going to shut down. I feel it coming. I know the signs - I've dealt with them all my life. And I'd much rather do the "shut down" by choice, one that I can reverse when the time is right, than allow my inner "guardian" to take that choice and make it for me.

Ah, so in the midst of the stress and drama that has been my life for the last 3 weeks, I failed miserably at NaNo. I got up to 26,000 and it was as if suddenly, life took a turn and I no longer had the time to breathe, let alone write. I'm horribly depressed over it - horribly ashamed and feeling the failure bite deep into my soul.

My best friend, my soul sister, is going through one of the hardest things to go through - divorce. She's a wonderful, amazing person and he, well, he's just trash. With four children, being a full time student who hasn't had any job other than full time mother and wife for 15 years, she's much on her own - except for me. I've made the promise to myself to never abandon her - to help her however I can. Right now the focus is on getting her and her children away from him - and that is where most of my energy has gone - househunting, support. She stays with me during the weekends, allowing him to have the kids, much as it will be when the divorce is final. They will all be living with us until after the holidays and into the spring, until she is able to find a place they can call home again.

My oldest step-son has moved home. Finally, he has ended a horrible 10-year relationship as well. It too comes with stresses but he has met a wonderful new girl (one of my younger friends) and they are getting on quite marvelously.

We have quite a house-full. It does not at all bother me having so many people around me. I love the company and the atmosphere. There have only been, so far, a couple issues presented. But those will be dealt with in good time.

My youngest step-son has had surgery this past Tuesday to repair a slap tear in his shoulder. A quite painful procedure with a long healing time.

We went to Arkansas to visit my father for Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful time, enjoyed the time with him, my step-mom and sister; but I did learn more things that have added questions, and then some relief to this heavy load I'm already carrying inside.

There are more, it seems, emerging problems of my own personal life - decisions still yet to be made. I'm struggling there, but know eventually, the right door will open itself up when I knock upon it. Therapy continues. I'm trying to remember to take my meds as I'm supposed to, but even that seems impossible sometimes. I have kind of, in a weird way, shut all that off to deal with the present as much as possible. So right now it hits me hard when I am alone, when I lay down to sleep. And though I have such a crowd around me, sometimes I just feel... lonely... alone... sad... but I know it's not permanent. And it's not always. There have been times in the last few weeks that I have laughed like I never thought I'd laugh again. Times I've felt free and unencumbered with all these heartaches. I've been able to be myself... more and more, I find that I'm comfortable in my own skin. Even when I'm sad. So I must still, even with the added stressors, be making some progress!

Back to NaNo - I'm not giving up on the novel. I've seen so many people who start it during NaNo and fail - only to shove it on a shelf somewhere and never touch it again. Not me. My storyline is great, and I love my characters. I WILL keep writing. I've already made that decision. I just have to get us moved into a new and bigger home and get everyone through Christmas - then life will finally be able to start slowing down again. Finally. Until then, I am sure it will appear I am quite chaotic - unreliable - distracted. All of which are, sadly, temporarily true. Please do forgive me if I have somehow missed you, or have failed at some task. I am doing my best to hold my life together right now - to hold those I love close to me and protect them from the harm and pain headed their way. I'll worry about ME later.

Life is defnintely keeping me on my toes right now - I'm busy... to say the least. It's one of those times when everything seems to be happening at once - it's a constant flow of change and stress and I'm doing my best to keep up with it all. Nothing horrible is happening - it's just so many little things and a few big things piled on top - it's keeping me in an indefinite tailspin! So for now, I'm hanging onto my sanity by a thread and hoping that thread doesn't break! I'll be in and out!

Well, I'm going to do my best to jump into NaNoland for a couple hours before I head to bed. I'm struggling with some thoughts tonight - things I don't even want to say out loud or write on paper for fear that will make them more than just suspicions... But I will say this - if my thoughts, my suspicions are valid - I think I may be in for more life-changing events. I may have to make decisions I never wanted to have to make - and in the end, thought I know I WILL get through it, I don't know what condition I will be in at the end... Ugh, at what point does it all stop and I just get to be happy and secure? At what point does it end? When? And what the hell decisions am I going to have to make to get there? Please, please, please don't let me be right...

I survived yesterday.

I know I will always survive, but it sure helps to have the encouragement of friends, like Mark C . Thanks so much for your kind words, Mark!

Today is a new day. My heart feels a little lighter. I'm still struggling, but I'm not hurting as bad as I was yesterday and I can at least see through the clouds. And now it's Friday. I'm going to spend the weekend with my best friends. I'm going to write, and laugh, and have a couple drinks. And I'm going to enjoy my life - no matter what is coming down the road - I'm going to live in the moment, for the moment.

But while I am thinking about it - I did learn something interesting last night. I had a conversation with my husband about change - and the things I want to change, the healing process, and just where I seem to standing. I didn't quite get the response I expected - more of a "don't change. I love who you are right now." What about what I love? What about ME? Must I continue being who everyone else wants me to be in order to hold onto pieces of my life? How fair is that?

We aren't talking about total personality changes - or are we? I'm not sure and that is the problem. I am on a new journey. It's hard as hell for me, but I'm excited. I am adjusting, not really even changing, the shards of glass that make up my reflection. And now I start getting the "don't change"? Who the hell made you king? Yes, I was angry. I guess you'd of had to be there. I can see his point of view - but really? What happed to trusting me to make the best decisions for me? What happened to not letting anyone else dictate who I am? It wasn't okay for everyone else, but now it's okay for him?

No, I'm not saying that he's totally wrong. I can see where it's hard - I've dealt with his changes over the last 11 years. But at the same time, his biggest argument is that he can't be someone he's not to make me, or anyone else, happy because then he isn't happy. Does the same not apply to me? Do I not get that same thought?

I don't understand what it is that people are so afraid of? Why does everyone keep pushing me to be someone else? Why the hell can't I just be whoever it is I want to be? What is the big deal? Is it fear? Because I KNOW I am a good person - and I know I will make the right decisions. So why the fuck can't everyone trust me to do so and let me make the decisions that are best for me? WHEN DO I MATTER?

I'm struggling today. Not really sure why, but my mind seems to be racing. There are just some thoughts that don't seem to want to let me be today; and honestly, I'm not liking it. I just want it to !

I've been thinking a lot about the people in my past - the ones who hurt me and the few who didn't; the ones I loved and those I know loved me; the ones I hurt, and the ones I never really gave a chance for any of the above. What ifs are powerful, and when it sometimes feels like the rest of your world is falling around you, those what ifs gain even more power over you.

But what ifs are nothing... they can't change what is done. And maybe I just need to realize that the people in my past are there for a reason... whatever it may be. But let me just say...

If I could go back and open some doors, I would. If I could undo some hurts; I would. If I could tell some people, just one more time, how much I loved them; oh yes, I would. It almost makes me sick to my stomach when I really think about how many people have loved me, and how hard I fought to keep them outside my walls. What if I'd just opened it enough to let even one of them in? How different would my life be now?

But again, what ifs are nothing... just thoughts of a backpeddling mind.

The hard ones are those I loved most - my grandparents, a few friends, and then those who wanted more of me than I could give. Those are the hard ones. Those are the ones I'd rewind time for. And there are a couple of them, only one or two, that I'd consider giving up everything I have for just one more hour, one more minute, one more "I love you".

Again, what ifs are nothing...

And yet, when I feel so down, when I'm having a day like today where I'm struggling to hold it together and it feels like my brain is a jumbled up mess, those what ifs seem to be what I cling to.

I've got to get it together, really. I can't live on what ifs. I can't let the days pass me by while I imagine what might have been.

I don't know why today is so hard. Or maybe I do. Maybe it's just another pot of stew, a mixed up pot of so many things. Things like:

If I hadn't miscarried, my child would be 11 years old October/November. Would s/he have had strawberry blond hair like his/her father? Green eyes like mine? Would s/he play sports; love school; love to read and write? And how would it feel to go home every day and hear the word "Mom" on a child's lips? Tell me, how do I let that go? How do I escape that pain?

That's just one... of many. But... it's so hard to let go of some things. And today seems to be a day of many things; I'm second guessing, regretting, hurting, and searching. I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

I did finally manage to get some writing in. Not as much as I would have liked, but I got some in and surpassed my daily goal. My word count at this point is not bad - but I'm going to have to get moving to meet my personal goal! Ugh, why does life throw everything at you when you have plans?

Ugh, I was rolling... full steam ahead... and then... somebody slapped me with a pair of brakes! I just have not had the time to write all weekend! It's horrible! My characters are trying to eat me alive in my sleep, invading my brain and screaming at the top of their lungs... I get no reprieve, really, as they almost make it impossible to concentrate on anything. Especially Miss Penelope who is sassing me day and night. Again, just ugh.

Tonight, I'm locking myself away. I must write. It's an itch that must be scratched! So I won't be answering emails, or facebooking; I won't be talking on the phone, or watching TV, or reading a book; not a warm bubble bath, or cooking a delicious meal... no, tonight I'm back on the NaNo train!

Beware the idiot who interrupts me...

Getting ready to head to bed but wanted to do a quick update first. I spent my evening writing... my total word count is now 22,823.

It seems to be progressing well, and for the most part, I'm happy with it. My MC seems to have a lot of character and I her! A couple of my other characters need a little more attention, but I have a day set aside to go back and add things in this weekend, so I will work on her then.

My antagonist needs a bit more scene time, and she's started bugging me tonight. So I guess I better jump on it before her evil ass starts keeping me up at night.

Tomorrow is Friday - YAY! Only have a few things to do - so I should be able to get some more quality writing in. I'd love to stay up tonight and just write away, but I do have to work tomorrow and am already an hour later than I wanted to be.

So, I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight fellow NaNoers and friends, hope you all have a great Friday.