Hi all who read random blog attempts by newbies and fellows alike

My bedroom becomes a dorm room once again..this year I am trying a new approach..one thing at a time one planned step at a time... yeah wish me luck anyway ok. This unit I signed up for is Organisational Behaviour .. a core unit for psych, arts and business.. so thats it just the one..and an ironic one at that. Good rewards are coming for this , I get to see Lady GaGa in concert and mighty expensive seats too . but more importantly is my motivation. In order to maintain this I am making myself accountable by stating the reasons.. 1. to prove to myself I', not a one unit wonder, 2. to prove that i can get a tertiary education and that it matters down the track (not that I'm thinking past just this step) and finally 3 Because I can. Is that good enough reasoning. I hope so!

Moving on to other matters at hand, this year is a leap year and it has been stated in history that women can propose to their men, well I have vaguely known bout this tradition but it has never had such an affect on me like it has recently, I could you know.. ask my man to marry me... how corny, and yet i have been giving it some serious thought, which has at time this past month made me feel elated, hopeful , excited and nauseated irritated and rather empathetic towards the position of a man who takes getting on his knee and asking her hand a serious proposition indeed and one they do not take lightly and by me doing it takes that away from him does it not? does it matter to a man if a woman asks? and would he say Yes?... stay tuned...
And this is why the title of my entry is suiting .. the beginning of the year and advancements and improvements are on the way as well as the coincidental "end of year" mayan calendar change, *slyly rubbing hands together about that particular time.. have someting henomenal planned ... if the above mentioned plan goes accordingly wink .

Keep up the awesome writing
Paige Sinders
 

I am familiar with this feeling, of being overwhelmed and non-productive. its almost like procrastination has decided to make it a permanent stay in my life.. it'll be a constant battle I think... another feeling I am familiar with - constant battles, as a mother of three boys I can tell you now they are strong willed stubborn battles to be had. As much as I would love my musings to be all joyous and full of love and laughter I am also more adept at venting my frustrations negativity and take a bathe in self pity while I ponder about it all.

My eldest son, soon to have his eleventh birthday has all kinds of personalities .. firstly i could never have met a more kind generous and thoughtful and well mannered child... secondly I wouldn't have thought that the same person could be all the opposites of those at the same time.. gee I don't remember pre-teens being that tough.. oh wait.... yes they were. So I guess I am pretty proud of my young fella and all I can do is hope to goodness life doesn't throw too much more shit his way. Eleven years... that's how long I have been a member of the mum's club, time really does fly and I find myself still pondering my life goals, creating plans setting myself up for more failures and disappointments and anxiety driven choices, feeling unsatisfied with whom and what I have become... Why? raising children has to be the most important and rewarding jobs anyone could have right... I thought so, and it is really, so why this sense of under achievement and lack of worth? because its been eleven years and forever counting, I never thought I would be thirty never traveled, have barely any work experience and nor did I think I would be unqualified after numerous whimsical attempts at study.

So I am torn between contentment and being happy in the now or wanting something more... I am finding when I wish for more or search for meaning for the future I get stuck .. in a puddle of catch twenty-twos and setbacks. They should be easy enough to analyse and logically solve sure but.. there's that cloud around me that reeks of self pity and frustration. How do I use my life to benefit others, gain profit, and generally have a higher purpose?

So far my thoughts have been in disarray ... What will be? I havent decided yet and thats ok !