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Printed from http://www.Writing.Com/view/1827046
Rated: 13+ · Book · Experience · #1827046
The place to be for positive reinforcements!
Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville....

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August 16, 2015 at 9:30pm
August 16, 2015 at 9:30pm
#857612
Hello Sunshine,

I just did the coolest thing!

My neighbor Chris asked me to help him light some lanterns for his son's 6 birthday. I wasn't sure what he meant but I said yes. It turns out that every year he lights a paper lantern and they send wishes into the night sky.

I absolutely loved it!


It was beyond cool to see them fly into the night sky all aglow.


I love the simple things and yes I am easily amused!!

Love,
Michelle
August 14, 2015 at 10:44am
August 14, 2015 at 10:44am
#857366
Hello Sunshine,

In the middle of my mind is a tragic truth. I am not as innocent as I pretend to be. I am not without faults. I have lived through so many of them.

Only the truth is I have something to hide. I hide the truth of my unending love for him. I try so hard to ignore it. I fill up my days with activities and my nights with mindless nonsense. All to escape the reality of a haunting love that scares the shit out of me.

It's a chemistry connection. It's beyond my control and it happened when my heart wasn't even aware.

It happened over 4 years ago.

It is happening again right now.

This time is is gone out of State. He tells me he will be back in two weeks and everything will be different. I am not sure I can believe him.

Oh I know he will be back but will he be different? Is he honestly ready for me? Is he ready to take this to a place that only real adults travel? Is he ready to be whom I want him to be?

Time is my best friend at the moment. I can take this and dream.

Love,
Michelle
August 7, 2015 at 8:40am
August 7, 2015 at 8:40am
#856717
Hello Sunshine,

How can another work week be over? I love the weekends! It's hard to believe another 7 days have gone by and my kids head back to Dad's today. How come as they get older and I see them less, I miss them more? I used to spend so much time playing and talking. Now we just sit around and look at each other.

I want to take them on a vacation before they go back to school. Only my funds are very tight so I need to do some research on how to find a cheap rental at a lake. I think getting them away from the Internet is the only way we can connect.

They are such great kids and they deserve some fun with mom! Okay, mom deserves some fun too!

Happy Friday!

Love,
Me
August 6, 2015 at 10:55am
August 6, 2015 at 10:55am
#856647
Hello Sunshine,

I have been waking up under a heavy blanket of depression. It's not my normal feeling and I really don't like it. I feel heavy and slow. I wonder where my energy has gone and what is weighing me down? I don't get it.

My diet is not that great, so I wonder if that has something to do with this. I also think it is about my current lifestyle. Work and no play is making me crazy. I am struggling with balance. However, I don't feel like it is enough out of whack to be contributing to my heavy feeling.

I guess this is just part of being me. I have to accept that sometimes I have to work harder to feel more alive. I need to put my positive energy into myself.

If I can accomplish my simple chores today I will feel good. I don't have much on my plate but I do know I will be getting out of the house for a long walk! I need sunshine and fresh air.

Love,
Michelle
August 4, 2015 at 10:21am
August 4, 2015 at 10:21am
#856445
Hello Sunshine,

I made it in early to my office. I love that when I have time to set up my day and make sense of my work. I really have very little to do before my clients arrive but a ton after they leave. Writing progress reports is not my specialty. I wish I had a better system and that insurance companies didn't demand so much.

I want to get paid so I do the best I can. One thing in school that they do not dwell on is that the Insurance companies are really running the show.

I am so grateful I work at an agency that has a billing specialist. I would not be a very good therapist if I had to jump in hoops all day with insurance companies. Math has never been one of stronger skills.

I like my listening skills so much better. I love how my day unfolds between words and emotions. I feel so blessed to be a therapist. I honestly love my work.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Love,
Michelle

ps...I am even going to take my son out to dinner tonight. Just the two of us. I am so looking forward to that. I think going to work when my kids are home is making me feel depressed. I want to play and hang out. It's not easy being an adult.
August 3, 2015 at 8:52am
August 3, 2015 at 8:52am
#856316
Hello Sunshine,

Mother nature put on a pretty good light show last night. I didn't sleep as soundly as I normally do and I woke up in some kind of Monday funk. I am not normally a person who freaks out about work. I made sure my life resembled a happy balance.

Still, knowing that I have to go to work today has made me feel a little unhappy. Perhaps, I want to be a teenager and stay home and snuggle with my babies. Whom are still sleeping. I feel like this would be a good day to nap.

However, work calls and my clients need me. I love my job and will have plenty of time to nap later in life!

Happy Monday!

Love,
Me
August 2, 2015 at 9:42am
August 2, 2015 at 9:42am
#856200
Hello Sunshine,

I am still laughing! I went to a small gathering last night of my high school friends. We are all turning 50 this year so we had a party!

I loved every single minute of seeing my old friends, getting caught up and reminding myself how truly blessed I am. I was surrounded by friendly strangers. I mean I haven't spoken to most of them in years. It was a blast to go down memory lane and realize how much we are all still teenagers in our hearts.

I was never popular and I wasn't a band geek or even a cheerleader. I was just one student out of 290 that was lucky enough to smile and get invited to many groups. I fit in and despite the fact that I always felt like an outsider, I never was.

I was my own circle of happiness and I still am.

Love,
Michelle
August 1, 2015 at 10:37am
August 1, 2015 at 10:37am
#856056
Hello Sunshine,

It's hard to believe that even I can get it wrong in my dreams. I woke up feeling so confused only to realize it was a dang dream. It's not real. I don't have to feel that way or even act on my dream.

If it is preparing me for the future then I know I am not ready. Perhaps you never are when your kids hit a certain age and the parenting advice is all you have left. You hope it was enough to teach and direct them in the right path only to discover that they are on a completely different road.

I trust my gut. I trust that I did the best I could and leaving the rest up to good karma and an kind God. I am sure he will follow her path and keep her safe.

Lord knows I want him too!

Love,
Michelle
July 30, 2015 at 10:23am
July 30, 2015 at 10:23am
#855860
I freaking love being an adult.

I have learned that to move on you must close doors and say proper goodbyes. I have done it. I called and said what I needed to say. I finally got his agreement and that we are done.

I learned so much about myself in this relationship. I learned about myself and my inner heart. I learned that I could love again and fall from the sky.

I learned that my heart is big and beautiful.

I learned that my sense of humor is magical and needed.

I learned that good looks can charm me.

I learned that being honest is painful.

I learned that some goodbyes take a long time.

I learned that toxic behavior can be excused.

I learned that finding my inner will will never be broken.

I learned to trust my gut.

I learned to laugh at myself.

I learned to love myself more!

Love,
Michelle
July 30, 2015 at 10:10am
July 30, 2015 at 10:10am
#855856
Hello Sunshine,

I am not in the habit of writing everyday. I will get back to it someday. I can see that I have enjoyed my thoughts and have been keeping myself busy by ignoring my inner poet.

I wonder if ignoring the inner poet is why my anger is boiling? No, my anger is boiling because I have once again allowed something to happen with him. I am so over him now.

I keep saying that I know. But this time it feels honest and like I can actually carry off my wishes. I don't have time for his insanity. I don't have time for his games or his lack of understanding me. I don't care anymore about being with him. I have finally learned to be independent. I have it covered.

Getting paid is making me a bad ass and I love it!

To finally feel like my hard work is going to pay my bills. I am going to get the heck out from under this wicked spell of poorness. I feel strong. I feel confident and sure that all my hard work is going to pay off. One sweet day I will pull it all together. It starts with my heart.

Getting in touch with my core values again. Rebuilding a new life. Making choices that support my future and keep me moving forward and not running backwards anymore.

I see so many fun things ahead. I got this!!

I am so happy with my choices and last weekend blew me away emotionally but after every storm I wake up and move on. I am ok right here and now.

Love,
Michelle
July 27, 2015 at 8:55am
July 27, 2015 at 8:55am
#855540
Hello Sunshine,

Sometimes the best healer is clear water and a good friend. I went to church...as needed and then I spent the rest of the day sitting next to a lake under a tree.

I needed the peace of nature to calm my soul.

It worked for a little while but now I am awake today and off on another busy work week. Denial is a beautiful place to live.

Love,
Michelle
July 26, 2015 at 9:36am
July 26, 2015 at 9:36am
#855449
Hello Sunshine,

If I ever needed to attend church it would be today. I am a sinner. I never thought my life would get so out of whack being me. I have no idea what I am thinking or doing. I live so much in the minute.

Seriously, I think I need an intervention. I need to get my ass kicked. I need to have someone hold me accountable for my actions.

My moral compass is broken. It's not working anymore. I have lost a sense of respect for what is right with my heart. I am so easily influenced by a good time. I am the perfect party girl. I act as if I don't have a care in the world only to find out in the morning that I do.

Why can't I say no? Why can't I say leave me alone and go away forever? He whispers in my ears and I melt like a two year old.

Our life together would be impossible. He is not someone I can rely on or build a future with. Yet, he acts as if it's already written in stone. He shows up owning my heart.

God please forgive me for letting my heart and body travel to unsafe places.

Love,
Michelle
July 22, 2015 at 8:39am
July 22, 2015 at 8:39am
#855082
Hello Sunshine,

Is it time for me to finally move on emotionally? I always wonder why it takes my dreams to confirm the truth to me. It's like if I don't dream it then it must not be true. I am slowly, slowly, slowly, realizing Brian has moved on and I need to start a new life.

Mourning is a process of acceptance. It's a realization that life does go on and the heart is able to repair. I have always been a slow learner in the life department. I started everything later in life. I had my first job at 19, and really didn't feel like an adult until I hit my 40s.

Now I am an adult wanting to be a kid again. I found that I am still able to think and play like a child and I love that. I will never grow old if I can keep my child-like wonder active.

It is a beautiful day to play!

Love,
Michelle

July 21, 2015 at 8:09am
July 21, 2015 at 8:09am
#854996
Hello Sunshine,

I am learning to notice my emotions. I am paying close attention to uncomfortable expressions. I want to live my life in peace and have done a pretty good job of it. So, now when something comes up I examine it and really look at my reaction at a gut level.

I am pretty smart but admit even I am not the expert I claim to be. I have been fooled a lot over the years thinking I knew myself only to discover I am still in transition and I am far from an expert. I will be someday. As long as I remain open to discomfort and allow myself growing pains.

It is a beautiful day to grow!

Love,
Michelle
July 19, 2015 at 9:28am
July 19, 2015 at 9:28am
#854775
Good Morning Sunshine,

I am constantly reminded by how beautiful life is. I live in this amazing home surrounded by my favorite things and a view hand picked by God. Green seems to be a magical color today.

I am at peace but want to go to church today and thank God. I haven't got in touch with my spirituality in a while. I always put it on the back burner and that is not a healthy place to keep it. I want to turn the heat up and rejoice in my blessings.

I feel a small disconnect from my kids right now. It must be growing pains. I am getting used to them being teenagers. Savanna is always on the go and Jackson won't leave his electronics long enough to talk to me. I feel slightly left out. I try to reach them through food but even that isn't working. I am at a loss on how to get their attention.

Perhaps this is a sign that everything is working and life goes on. I can't live their lives. I have to let them be and keep working on myself. If momma is happy, then they will be happy too.

Momma is Happy!

Love,
Michelle
July 17, 2015 at 10:56am
July 17, 2015 at 10:56am
#854596
Hello Sunshine,

Yesterday's art fair was amazing! I walked over 6 miles and all over downtown. I have to admit I was overwhelmed by the people and the creativity on display. From the jewelry to the paintings, photography, ceramics, wood crafts and my all time favorite blown glass.

I love Glass art. I think of all the things I seen I am drawn to the glass the most. The way color is captured and shaped. I have no idea what it is about glass that fascinates me but I love it.

IF I had a million dollars I would have purchased a piece of glass from every vendor. I hope someday I will be lucky enough to purchase some glass art.

I can always add it to my wish list.

Love,
Michelle
July 16, 2015 at 8:50am
July 16, 2015 at 8:50am
#854500
Good Morning Sunshine,

Looks like a wonderful day for the Ann Arbor Art fair. I haven't gone in years. It's a day for me and creativity!!

love,
Me
July 15, 2015 at 9:33am
July 15, 2015 at 9:33am
#854401
Hello Sunshine,

To start the day with a smile. I need to embrace the positive vibes coming in my window. It seems colder this morning for some reason. It's been the strangest of summers. I will find a way to get some heat sooner or later.

Embracing the positive mindset that all is well in my world. I look for the best outcomes and enjoy the journey. I keep praying that all my hard work is going to pay off. My landlord is upset with me. It gives me some guilt but I am doing the best I can.

If I could pay my bills with good intentions I would.

If I could make a million dollars I would share it.

I will keep doing my best. I believe in myself. I know that it takes time to make changes. I get that I am still on the road and I have not settled yet. It can explain my wondering eyes and heart. I am not ready for one. I am still undone.

Love,
Me
July 14, 2015 at 8:25am
July 14, 2015 at 8:25am
#854314
Hello Sunshine,

Yesterday on Facebook I took a little quiz on who was my secret lover. It turns out I have four but the number one was John M. He was a boy from my neighborhood and he recently told me he had a crush on me when we were kids. I never knew.

I never knew that others liked me. As a young teenager I felt very alone and isolated. I had a few girl friends in the neighborhood but I do recall spending a lot of time walking alone and swinging at the park by myself.

Maybe because I grew up with lots of siblings I needed to be alone. I needed to remove myself from the crazy noise and sit in peace.

I don't recall anyone coming to find me, or make small talk or even try to get to know me. I felt like I was just an empty shell. I do know I wrote a ton of poetry, I escaped in my own thoughts and I tried to be nice. I also felt like I was a very big bitch. I had to be as the youngest girl. I protected my stuff. My twin did not make my childhood easy. We fought and he was mean to me. I can understand my feelings now. I look back and see it all so clearly.

I would not trade a single minute of my childhood for something different. It allowed me to grow into who I needed to become. It gave me strength to be myself and to be alone.

All the world can have a crush on me and I wouldn't care.

I love me.

Love,
Michelle



July 13, 2015 at 6:58am
July 13, 2015 at 6:58am
#854219
Hello Sunshine,

I can see the fog is settled softly in the back yard, it looks like it is hugging the trees and is giving off a very spooky vibe for July. Kind of a cool way to start my Monday.

I have to run like the wind today. Meeting in Ann Arbor to talk to Jackson's doctor. It is always amazing how we can provide so much support for our child. I love that we find doctors that get it. I am impressed with Jackson's current state of mind. He has matured so much this year. I am in awe of his own recovery.

I am still working on my own. I need to forgive myself. I have to get back to being honest with myself and total acceptance. It's time. I know that. Just like the fog that is settled in the yard I have to have peace settle over me.

Love,
Me

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