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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello Sunshine, I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride that is showing no signs of stopping! I really don't know how much more my sensitive heart can take. In my soul I know I am a good person. I know that something bad has happened to me but I didn't realize the ripple effect was still going on. I need to cleanse myself of this problem but it might never go away. No cure for a bad virus. No cure for a broken heart or broken promises to myself. No cure for change that occurred without my knowledge or consent. No cure for life moving on without me. One day I will be stronger than this, but today is not that day. Today, I need to cry. I need to feel sorry for myself. Maybe someday I will heal and laugh at my broken heart. Today is not that day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I know this happens every week but doesn't doing laundry get old? I have my basic days of chores but assigned laundry day in my apartment complex drives me crazy. I know it's for our "own good" that we keep a schedule but dang some days I don't want to do laundry on my assigned day. I am such a rebel. The sun is shining, I think our rain is finally clearing out and I plan on going outside to play today. I have no idea where or when or how but it's my day! Right after I finish my laundry! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny friends, I am here in the mist of a new relationship. Caught up in the thoughts of an old one and trying to make sense of all the emotions that I want to express. I know who I am. I know what would be good for me. I have been loved before and I know how to love. I am ready to forgive the past and move forward. It's a sunny day and I love Sunshine! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Well I got my stitches taken out. It only cost me $98.00 bucks. Really it should have been free but I didn't feel like driving back to Lansing to sit all day at the hospital. All this unexpected cost of living got me thinking. How do people live on a fixed income? Unexpected accidents come up. At times I feel like I am living on borrowed time and money. I suppose if I had years of a career behind me I might have some money saved up. It is hard for me to believe I have only been working for one year. But I have and it's been an interesting year. I like the direction my career and life is going and I know it's only going to get better as the years go on. I can have the life I want. I just have to make time for it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Okay so I have seven days to renew my membership. Of course I am going too. It's just that I haven't been spending much time at my desk. I do my bills once a month. It's crazy that I do that but it somehow works for me. I spend a few hours on one day a month and deplete my checkbook. Then, I wait the rest of the month for it to fill back up. I am sure I am doing that backwards or something, but hey it's working. I understand that everyone has a different way of doing things. I am good with that. What I have done in a few short years is carve out a way of living for me. It has not been easy and many times I have felt like a failure. I have lost a true sense of self and now I need to go back and find me again. I am not going to wait for the perfect day, sunshine, or Jackson's perfect health. Today is the day. Right now. I am not waiting for a miracle. I am going to make one. I am the miracle in my own life. I am the motivation and light. I love where I am heading and if it's meant to be it will be. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Well, I am still not sure what motivates his anger or frustrations. I can't seem to get a real handle on it. I suppose he just doesn't really like to be happy? It's so sad because for the first time I seen him do something fun. He was out in the water he seemed to be carefree and he seemed almost damn it...HAPPY! Why does he feel he has to punish himself if he is content? Why can't he maintain his emotions? I have no idea what goes on inside his head but I sure wish I could help him figure it out. Maybe it's not my job? Hummm Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Well I didn't do anything too exciting for the holiday. I went out on a date that lasted almost three days! It sure wasn't planned but then neither was the dog bite to my face! Yep, I got my first and I hope only bite from a dog. It was so strange, happened before I realized what even happened but it left it's mark and a lot of blood! My face is healing. I will have a small scar and a memory that will last a life time. Sounds about right with me! I am going to get back to life. I have some great plans for the summer. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Am I worth another try? Should I put myself out in the dating pool? I really have nothing to lose but a few sleepless nights and a tangle with my inner critic. It's not easy to put myself out there. You would think it would be a piece of cake for me, but it's not. I am a love addict. I want too much. I expect too much. I believe too fast. I don't have good bulls*** detection anymore. I want to believe the best. I want to be mature and with it. I am still a small little girl with some very big dreams. I got it right once before I am sure I can do this again. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am trying to start over putting myself out on the line. I want to see where I am going and what is real. What is good enough for me? What do I need to know that I am loved and secure? I need to answer that so I can understand where I am going in my life. To feel loved is to have someone think of me. To have someone call me, want to see me, and cares about my happiness. To feel loved is a feeling of security and insecurity. It's a balancing act of mutual respect and responsibility to myself and my partner. It's a gut reaction and it's thrilling. I want to know that I am important. I want to know that my feelings and emotions count. I want to be something wonderful and to feel wonderful. I want respect and honesty. I want kisses and hugs. I want surprises and sweetness. I want comfortable and sloppy. I want to express myself and to listen with tender ears. I want to encourage but also follow my own moral code. I have a strong sense of self discipline. I am strong. I am willing to bend but not compromise my principals and standards. I am going to be true to myself and what falls...falls... Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sweet friends, I am determined to get my butt moving today. I am beautiful and I know it. I know it in the deepest sense of my reality. I have lost my sense of self over the past few years. I think I let myself go after I returned from LA. There was a turning point in my life. I changed. I went to a place I had never gone before and I have been trying to find my way home ever sense. I have no excuses. I only needed the time to forget myself. I had other fires to put out. Now I have the time to spend on me. Time to spend on me? I love that. I love the way that sounds and I need to be selfish. I can only give to others after I have taken care of me! That includes loving myself. Spending time with God. Exercising my heart. It's a wonderful day to be beautiful! Love, Michelle Oh and wow...I have to leave you with this one thought...We are all connected. Last night a friend of mine showed me how you can look up who is viewing your facebook profile. What was so amazing about that is that it showed up someone I had never met. A young boy in England. It got me thinking. It got me wondering what would someone in another country ever find interesting in my facebook profile? How would my name come across to someone who has no clue of who I really am? Life is a series of unconnected dots... |
| Hello Sunshine, One of the hardest lessons I have learned in the past few years is to say NO. It is never easy for me to put my own needs before others. I was born to be the peace keeper. I like to do things as they come up. I am very spontaneous and I like that about me. One of the things that has hurt my spirit was Jackson's constant defiance of my free spirit. He never allowed me to fully express my needs. I always had to bend to his wishes. Yes, one would wonder if he was the boss, or parent. Anyway, he taught me a lesson. He forced me to look inside and see if I could bend. I can. I also know that when the time is there for me to be free, I can soar like a bird. Last night I put myself first. I stayed home and it felt great. I needed the down time. I don't feel the need to be out dating or socializing. I don't need to fill my life up with noise so I can't hear the peace in my soul. I deleted his number last night. I said goodbye and I mean it. Today is a new day. I get to work a few hours at the Art studio and I am so happy. Nothing beats work to make me feel good about myself. I never really wanted to work. I always dreamed that I would be a stay-at-home mom and be content. I was for many years and my dreams did come true. Now when I do work it is fun, I get paid for something that I enjoy and it enriches my life in a million different ways. Yes, I am feeling the peace and love! Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, Last nights painting was a disaster. I am not good with abstract painting. I think I am more of a landscape artist. I like my picture to resemble something. I am sure my picture was suppose to resemble a wine glass with wine flowing in it. Only I think it looks like something else! What that something else is...I am not so sure. Anyway, it was fun to paint with my sister and my niece. I love it when we can do something fun and relaxing together. I am feeling rather blessed today. It's only been one night without the kids and now I am ready for them to come back. They fill up my house with noise and I love that. I do enjoy the silence but nothing beats being a mom. I am so lucky. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Okay until my friends figure out that I am poor...I have to get around the many events in my life that cost money. I love my gal pals and don't want to miss out just because I am trying to budget. I have to come up with a plan. I know in the past, I normally save money for our trips. I can continue to do that. I also know that I have to look at the things I own. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the abundance in my life. I am surrounded by love. I have the most wonderful items decorating my home. I love art. I have so much color and joy in the items I have on display. I do feel content and it has taken me a long time to get here. I am grateful for my creative eye. I am sure that in time I will figure out my expenses and make sense of my life. I can't keep living on borrowed cash. Once the savings is gone, my life will change. I am good with change. It happens every single day. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have to make a decision. It's time to renew my membership and I need to think about it. I love writing my blog, so I will renew. It's just that right now money is tight. I have to start cutting things out and I am not good at that. I am not good with budgets and not having or getting what I want. I know that can explain so much of my personality and part of my many problems. I guess it's a baby thing. It's always being spoiled by life. It's by good choices and unexpected gifts. I swear I work hard in my dreams. I seem to be able to pay my bills and still have fun. Only I know my fun is about to run out of funds. One day at a time I will figure this out! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am finally resting! It has been a very long week of family events. I had my teenage niece staying here and it was a blast! Nothing like two teenagers that don't talk hanging out together. It was sweet. They have more in common then they realized. I feel very blessed that life events happen the way they do. Yesterday I had to replace all 4 tires on my car. The day before I was driving in the "hood" of Detroit. If anything would have happened on 8 mile, I don't think that would have been fun. It seems as if the grace of God is supporting me. I am where I need to be and doing what I can. So today, I am going to enjoy the peace. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Ever have a dream in color? I had a kaleidoscope of vivid bright reds, yellows, and blues. It was a spiritual journey of grace and beauty. If I would have had any drugs in me I might have thought I was hallucinating. It was that cool. I am looking for meaning. I am trying to understand the way I feel right now. I am coming to terms with emotions I don't want to feel, but know I need to heal. I stopped the storm. I watched the building tumble. I walked near water and over mountains. I looked to the sky for answers. I found color. I didn't find my answer but I found something interesting. I can stop the movie with my thoughts. I can change the pattern of colors by adding more light. I am walking the road I was meant to travel. I am okay. I am beautiful. I am slowly healing and realizing my love. I will enjoy every minute I am living. I am grateful to be here. I love that I can write and express myself. I am looking forward to my therapy today. I miss my therapist. I need him. I do need it and I know that. I am not afraid to ask for help. I feel blessed today. I stopped the storm and Jackson has managed to spend three nights here this week. To me that is a major improvement! I am not sure what will happen this weekend. We are off to Cedar Point and then this weekend is packed with family events. I am hoping he will be with me but I am not sure. One day at a time! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I never have to look far if I want to understand the dysfunction in my life. All I have to do is gather my siblings. It is an amazing array of individuals that suffer from a wide range of mental disorders. I am not kidding. The amount of anxiety and depression is insane. Plus the personality disorders! I don't know how my family got so lucky but I am guessing after 10 kids and the 70's, something was in the water! I love my family! I love the variety of individuals but I am also grateful that most of them live out of state! I couldn't handle seeing them more then every few years. It would be too much of a chemical reaction for me to handle. I know I am crazy but my level is considerably lower then most of my siblings. I am saddened by my one sister. I have her daughter here for the week and I am overwhelmed by her stories. I can see first hand what happens to individuals when they don't seek help. It's scary. It must be very hard to recognize when you have a problem. When your family wants nothing to do with you. When you can't keep a job. When you have no real friends. How many clues do you need? I wonder what does it take to seek out help? The saddest part is that she is an adult and we can't force her to get counseling. We can't make her see her own problems. Wow! It's going to be a long week!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunny, I can't even go a full day without an emotional abusive explosion. I am exhausted and bummed. I really wanted him to be here this week but he couldn't keep it together. He said he was going too. He said he wanted to but his mood got the best of him. I am still not a hundred percent what set him off. It could be the last moments notice that my niece, his cousin is going to be here for the week. It could be that I said no to the beach. It could be that I didn't put on the air conditioning. It most likely was all three that set him off. I think I can handle it. I think I have the ability and then he reminds me with his words why I need him gone. He is abusive. He is so hurtful that I feel scarred. I feel ruined and damaged. I feel bloody and weak. He beats me down with words. He is an expert at going in for the kill and hitting his mark. I know I am weak. I can feel this pit in my stomach and the marrow of my bones. I have lost my coping skills. I have lost my way with words and meaning. I am lost. Lost! Love, Michelle |
| Happy Father's Day! I got to spend it with a few guys out at the Nascar race and it was a blast! I am burned. I have no energy left to move but I am grateful for a wonderful day and a reminder that Dad's are great! I was blessed with an awesome papa and I have a wonderful ex that spend the day with his kids having fun. I always knew that Brian would make a wonderful dad and he does! My kids are very lucky! Thanks Dad! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Wow I seriously love my dreams! I had a fun one last night where I got see Christopher. It always surprises me how real my dreams are and how needed. I even got to hang out with my momma. There is something about the world of dreams that fascinate me. I love how my insecurities can create the venue for adventure and closure. How the people I need to see and talk to the most can show up. How a dream hug and conversation can be so real. I woke up feeling loved. Feeling understood and relaxed. It was not the way I went to bed. I was restless and frustrated. It was hard to fall asleep after being stood up for a date. I think dating at this age sucks! I never had problems when I was younger but now it is a totally different story. I have no idea why? It must be that just basic human kindness is missing. I believe in manners. I believe in people saying what they mean and following that up with actions. I will continue to expect the best out of others. I am not giving up on the human race! Only because my dreams can support me! Love, Michelle |
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