Okay, so after being MONTHS offline here at home, I've decided to call this journal quits. Before you start wondering what I'm up to, I'll let you know I plan on starting a new journal. With non-Jem title entries. I like to think I've moved on in my life enough to start a new journal. And at 120 some odd entries, it's time to start anew.

I hope y'all have enjoyed "Ramblings of a Madwoman". I do love to ramble, you know. My new journal (am I overusing that term yet?) will be similar I think. It's kinda hard for me to change my style but you never know.

Thanks for reading, y'all.-----Amy

** #591862 Not An Image **

 

So here I sit munching on caramel corn rice cakes and typing a new entry. I could go into the wretched details of my recent emotional status but I think I'll refrain this time. Instead I'll go off on a tangent and ramble for a while. Never know where it'll lead.

Do y'all believe in supernatural stuff? Hmm? Do you? Well, I do. I've experienced stuff over the years that defies explanation. Even if it could be explained, I'd rather it still be supernatural. Just makes life more interesting that way, ya know?

Take for instance....night hags. Ever heard of them? I've had encounters with them since I was a teenager. What are they exactly? It's something that occurs while I'm sleeping. I'm in that half awake/half asleep stage where I'm lucid but not quite conscious. I start feeling a heavy weight on my chest/body and I can't seem to breathe. It's frightening because I'm paralyzed. I can't move and I can't yell out for help. Then I manage to snap out of it somehow and everything goes back to normal....slowly. Not fun at all.

My sister told me she's experienced something similar herself so I know I can't be the only one. I call them night hags after I read about them in one of the books I own on supernatural phenomena. Night hags were spirits who sat on the bodies of sleeping people and crushed the breath out of them. Nasty ole buggers, they were.

Of course, I did some research (only yesterday actually, after having a night hag encounter the other night) to see if I could find out any more about them. Turns out the phenomena is called "sleep paralysis". It's when the brain is stuck between REM sleep and full wakefulness. The body automatically paralyzes itself when the brain goes into dream mode so we won't physically act out our dreams. That explains the feeling of being unable to move. Doctors are still not sure why the brain does this. But they do know that stress, lack of exercise, and poor appetite have something to do with bringing on episodes.

So there goes another supernatural bit. Poof. Gone. Explained away by science. *grumbles about being logical* Oh well. I still believe in ghosts. No matter HOW they can be explained away. So there.

*munches on another rice cake* I bet y'all are wondering, 'where's your beloved chocolate at?' For those of you who know me, I'm a huge chocoholic. I've got a couple bars of the good stuff stashed out of sight for now. Once the kiddies go to sleep, then I'll devour it. Me share? No way, man! They've got their own stuff. And I've got mine. Besides, these Quaker rice cake thingies aren't too bad. Kinda like popcorn.


In other news, I've also done some investigating about one of my other passions. Vintage clothing. In particular, Gunne Sax dresses by Jessica Mclintock. I've got three of them myself and I love the Victorian look of them. They're long, delicate, and pretty. I found out that the style I am partial to was popular during the 70s and 80s (it's a prairie girl, Victorian, Renaissance look). It seems that they are becoming hard to find now as well. So whenever I'm out doing the flea market thing, I'll be sure to keep an eye out for Gunne Sax dresses. Not only are they collectible but I happen to think they're wonderful.

In May, we'll be going to Springfield, Missouri again. So you know I'm going to try to hit those vintage clothing shops I saw last year. This time I'm a woman on a mission! Who knows? I might get lucky and snag a few.

Okay, that seems to be enough for one entry. I suppose I'll have to bring up the arrowheads and the Chaos Theory another time. Piqued your interest? Good.
 

Looks like I'm getting down the nitty gritty on Jem song title choices here. I reckon as I get closer to using them all, they probably will have less and less to do with the actual entry. I think when I finally DO use them all, I'll begin a new journal. Yep, that'll be easier.

Okie dokie, so what's been going on with me lately? Hmm....not a whole lot. I'll be doing a girls' night out thing tomorrow night with Cathy and Flo (my buds from high school). Looking forward to that. Nope, no alcohol or wild behaviour gonna happen. Just eating junk food, nail painting, and movie watching. You know, a good old-fashioned girly sleepover (at Flo's place). *grins* Can't remember the last time I did something like that.

Oh, yeah. I've also joined a reviewing group called Simply Everything. Every week megaroonie bunny chooses a new port for all of us in the group to review. And everything in that person's port gets reviewed. There's like thirty members now (at least) and so a lot of stuff gets reviewed more than once. It's really cool though. We're to give really good feedback and thoughtful advice, which is what I usually strive to do anyways. Here's a clickable image:

** #808063 Not An Image **

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I need to go through my stories and revise some of them. They need work. I think I'll do that tonight, see what I can improve (or delete!). Lately, I've been on a writing streak. I've got loads of ideas for short stories and even a couple of novels. I suppose I need to share a bit of that by posting some of my brainstorms in my Budding Ideas journal. I'll do that tonight too. Lots of work for me to do. So I reckon I better get crackin'.

Toodles!!!
 

Guess what??? I'm an auntie! Yay!!! Laura gave birth to Julia Mae today around two this afternoon. She weighs six pounds and I'm not sure how many ounces. She's got a headful of dark hair and she's doing fine. Laura is doing fine as well. I'm relieved. Though I don't know all the particulars, Jay called Dad at work this afternoon to tell him the good news.

I'm pleased to know my little sister and neice are okay. I was worried about them. I called my Grandma Ludean and passed it on to her. So she now knows she's a great-grandma....again.

I'm not going to make this entry very long. Just had to share my good news of the day with y'all. And I plan to meet my neice soon, I can't wait to see her. I bet she's beautiful (most babies are).

Catch y'all later. This is the best Valentine's present I've ever gotten. A sweet little neice.

** #591862 Not An Image **

 

So what did I hunt down, you might ask. Well, I finally got off of my duff and wrote a couple of new stories tonight. Yep, you read that right. I actually posted a couple of new items. I'm so proud of me. Let me glory in this moment.


*dramatic pause*



Okay, I'm done. That's better.


Am I in a good mood tonight? Yes. I believe I am. And what's weird is that I've been feeling down all day long. About Robbie, as usual.

You see, he pretty much forgot my birthday last month. He didn't have any money at the time to buy me a present (not that I was bitchin' and moanin' for one). I just wanted him to do something special for me. Like bake me a cake, or give me a bubble bath. Or something along those lines. Something that didn't cost any money and let me know that I'm still special to him. But did he do anything at all? Hell no! Am I still pissed at him about that? Hell yes! Will I get over it? Possibly. He has Valentine's Day coming up to prove himself. Why am I being so sensitive about this? I have no idea. I just want to know if I'm still his number one lady. That's all. I want to feel special again. I haven't felt that way in a long time with him. And it totally sucks a fattie. It's one of the reasons we've been fighting, mind you.

Okay, relationship crap aside now. Moving on.

My meds are weird. They make me sleepy. At work, I have to pinch myself, get up and walk around, drink tons of caffeine to stay awake. But I dare NOT stop taking them. They take a LOT of the edge off my depression. I haven't hurt myself since before my suicide attempt. And I think that's a good thing. I haven't really felt the urge like I used to. But I gotta do something about the damn sleepiness side effect. It's turning me into a lousy worker. I've got any appointment on the 24th to see a counselor. I'm hoping I can work out something then. Right now, I've been taking caffeine pills to help keep me awake, it's gotten that serious. Is it wrong to do that? Maybe, but it works as a temporary fix. I'm doing what I can to get by.

I'm on Lexapro for the depression and Risperdal for the voices in my head. Oh? Didn't I tell y'all about them? I'd been hearing them on and off for years, but I never brought them up in polite conversation. They don't always plague me. Just when I get totally emotionally fucked-up. And last month was a doozy. The paranoia thing was really starting to bug, too. But that's what the Risperdal is for. It stops that kind of stuff from happening to me. And it works. My mental state is starting to become tolerable once more.

So why am I writing so much tonight? Well, I took two caffeine pills earlier and I'm still buzzing. I needed them. I wrote so much in my notebook and got a lot done. After I finish with this entry, I'll be off to work on my reviewing. I did five reviews today at work. Was I bored silly and looking for something to do? You better believe it, bub.

You know, I wrote a different kind of story tonight. It's got lesbian/bisexual overtones in it. That's definitely new territory for me. But I find it fascinating. I'll leave it at that and let y'all wonder. I'm too chickenshit to elaborate. I've probably said too much already. Don't flame me, okay?

Laura is supposed to be having her baby like, any day now. Has anyone called to let me know? NO. Have I called her? No. I think she's got my mother staying over at her place to help out and she's too worried I'm going to start a Jerry Springer moment with her. But she doesn't know that I'm adult enough to not act like that. I don't care if Linda is over there. I just want to know if Laura is okay. If Julia is okay. But I'm too scared to call her because I know I've been a real asshole to her these past few months. I hate myself for that. She (Laura) won't even let Dad or me know if she's had the baby because she doesn't want us to visit her in the hospital. It sucks but I can kinda see her point of view. I gotta take my lumps. I'm a big girl. I can handle it.

She's deleted a lot of stuff out of her port. I know she's done that because she's going to be busy with the new baby soon. I can definitely understand her reasons for doing that. Babies are quite time-consuming.

Okay, I think I'm done ranting and raving for this entry. I got a little off my chest and I feel better. Journal writing is very therapuetic (sp?) for me. Especially since Robbie found my real-life journal that I'd been writing in and hid it from me. The sorry bastard. Now I have to start another notebook. I feel violated by his doing that. The only reason he even bothered to read it in the first place is because he wanted to read about himself in it. The cad. I wish I knew where he hid it. I miss going through it and seeing what I wrote in previous entries. If I look carefully (and I'm a very observant kinda woman, mind you), I may get lucky and find it. Until then, I guess I'll just spill my guts here. It sure feels good to do that, you know.

Later taters.
 

Okay, I'm going to warn you up front that this is going to be a disturbing journal entry. I've gone through some really bad times just recently and I think I should tell you this will probably upset you. Just letting you know in case you want to back out now.......
























Still with me?
























Don't say you weren't warned.
























Last Sunday was a turning point for me. I attempted to kill myself by overdosing on eleven Mepergam. I had reached an all-time low in my life and saw no other option than to end it all.

Robbie and I have been fighting for over the past month. I've also broken contact with most of my friends (both online and in real life). I was withdrawing deeply into myself, trying to find that place in my mind where no one could follow. He was ignoring me and pushing me away emotionally. I used to feel that I could always depend on him to be there for me when I got really depressed and he let me down. I didn't even think about going to any of my other friends because I'm not the type to dump my problems off on them. That's just how I am, frustrating though it is to them.

Sunday I told him I was going on a hike in the woods. I'd packed my backpack with my notebook, some water, and a bottle of Mepergam (that I'd never thrown away from my oral surgery back in 2002). I took up my walking stick, told him that I was going out for a while and for him to come looking for me if I wasn't back by sundown. He just looked at me like he didn't believe me and off I went. Across the road from my house is a bunch of undeveloped property with lots of trees and brush. I took the trail over the ridge and then went to go find a place where I wouldn't be disturbed. I wound up sitting next to a huge cedar tree that pretty much hid me from view of anyone trying to find me. Then I began to write in my notebook about how I was feeling. I also began to take the pills. I'd swallowed nine of them in a hour's time when I realized I wanted to go home and die instead. So I got up and staggered out of the woods, feeling the effects of the medicine begin to take hold over me. I was dizzy, numb, and very, very sad.

When I got to the house, Robbie was still ignoring me. He didn't notice anything about my behaviour. I went to our room, called in his unemployment (like a dutiful wife, because he hates using the touch-tone system for it), and took the last two pills. Then I wrote a suicide note in one of my journals beside my bed, telling everyone how I felt, who I wanted to have my possessions, and who I wished my children to be raised by (not Robbie, but my dad). My mind was getting fuzzier by then. So I lay down and fell asleep, thinking that I would simply never wake up again. I wasn't scared, just very tired.

Well, about two in the morning I did wake up. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. My entire body was frighteningly numb. I was seriously stoned to the point I was terrified. I was also disappointed that I wasn't dead. But terror won out. I woke Robbie up and confessed to what I'd done. He got hold of my dad who took me to the ER. By then, it was too late to pump my stomach. So they kept me under observation until a bed opened in a psychiatric hospital. Around one in the afternoon on Monday the 26th, I was finally transported to Living Hope Institute. I stayed there until Thursday when I was finally allowed to be released.

So that's where I've been all week. That's why I haven't written anything in such a long time. I've been so depressed that I'd just given up on everything. But now, I'm feeling better. I've been given some hope for the future and I realize I need to be there for my two precious children. I also have come to realize that I need spirituality in my life again. I've been so out of touch with the God and the Goddess over the years that I need to let Them in my life once more. Even if Robbie and I do eventually break apart as a couple, I know that it's not the end of the world. At the time, I was so wrapped up in myself I couldn't see that. I was stumbling over pebbles, not mountains.

I've got a ways to go yet. I'm on medication now for my depression. It feels different to me, being on meds. I've also been set up to see a counselor next month, so I can get started with therapy too. I think my life will start to get back on track but I'm not going to force myself to meet any unrealistic goals. I'll just take it one day at a time for now. Yes, Robbie and I are still at odds. But I don't see suicide as an option any more. I've been spending more time with Charlie and Eric. Trying to see the world from their perspective (to give myself a more positive insight). And I think it's working because I'm happier now than I've been in a while. I've got two really great kids who love me sooooo much.

Acceptance was another concept I need to learn. I have to accept that I'm depressed. I have to accept all the bad stuff that's happened to me in my life. It doesn't mean I have to like it. Just acknowledge it. I think I can do that. I need to admit that I'm powerless to deal with my problems on my own. Divine intervention from the Mother Goddess and the Father God will help me through this. Their strength, love, and wisdom is far greater than mine. I am not alone in this world. I am not strong enough to do this by myself. When all else fails, I can rely on the God and the Goddess. I've been away from Them for far too long.

My stay in the hospital was an eye-opener for me. I think it will have an impact on my life for quite a while. A positive one. And though it may not make much sense to you, trying to commit suicide may have been the one thing that saved my life. It was definitely a turning point for me.

If you've come this far by reading this entry, thank you. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for having the courage to read something that is VERY disturbing and personal to me. I'm getting better and I'm taking it slow.

See ya next entry..... And I WILL be there!
 

Wow. Long time, no write. I'm still sad about my grandpa's passing but I'm starting to feel better.

Christmas Day I did a foolish thing. Dad took the kids up to my grandma's house and I stayed home with Robbie. That wasn't the foolish thing. You see, Robbie had bought a bottle of wine to celebrate our anniversary with. A big bottle of wine. While he was down at the neighbor's house helping them make dinner, I proceeded to try to drink all of that bottle of wine. And I nearly did. The first three, maybe four glasses I recall. It gets kinda fuzzy after that.

I'd never been so drunk in my life. Not even when I got wasted for the first time. I don't remember a whole lot from Christmas night. They said they had to carry me to bed. I vaguely remember crying a lot and saying a bunch of bad stuff about my mother. I think my Dad was there for a while when I ranted and raved. It wasn't pretty.

But you know what? Ever since then, I haven't been so depressed. And trust me, I was feeling pretty down. Not just about my grandpa's passing, but about a lot of other stuff too. I think that night was like a purging of my soul. I got a lot of the burdens off my back then. I don't recommend anyone try getting totally wasted as a way to rid themselves of their ills. It's not the same for everyone. But I have to admit I do feel better since that night. And I haven't gotten drunk like that since.

Trust me, I don't make it a habit to get drunk all the time. I don't want to turn into my mother. My kids deserve better than that.

In less stressful news, I went and saw Evanescence in concert on December 16th. They were at the Alltel Arena for their concert. Much better venue than last year's. Amy Lee was breathtaking, as usual. I had such a great time. Robbie and I had floor tickets, which meant we got to be near the stage. I sang so hard and loud, my voice got hoarse. I danced my ass off. I had a damn good time at that concert. *sigh* They are sooooo my favorite group.....

Dad and I saw "Return of the King" the day after Christmas. It was awesome. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD, so I can get a copy. And even better, I got to see the trailer for "The Prisoner of Azkaban"!! The next Harry Potter movie will be out in June. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin don't look how I imagined them to, but I think they'll do. And Snape is still a hottie. *drool drool*

Robbie and I are getting along better than we have in years. He hasn't been drinking as much lately. I know it's probably only a period of calm before the storm, but I plan to enjoy it while it lasts. Every relationship has its ups and downs. And for nine years, I've weathered them with him. We're not doing too bad, for all the shit we've been through together. Sometimes, I think he's just as messed up as me but he handles his problems differently. And though it's not effective, that's how we cope. That's how we survive. No matter how bad things have seemed between us, we still manage to work through it all. And it certainly ain't easy. But I like to think it's worth it.

On that note, I believe I'll call it quits for this entry. Take care y'all.
 

I remember him always trying to help other people. He had such a generous heart. He was a member of the Silver Key Program in the Black Forest area of Colorado. Even though he was in his seventies (and then his eighties), he'd still go around to elderly folk's residences and do what maintenance work he could. It used to drive my grandma nuts. She'd complain he was an old man trying to act like he was still in his twenties. But that's the kind of man my grandpa was.

His father came to America from Germany in the late 1890s (he was 14 at the time). He then headed out west and worked as a ranch hand in Montana. My grandpa grew up on a cattle ranch, making him a true cowboy. I wish I still had the stories he wrote about his earlier life experiences. He had a humorous way with words and he was a talented writer (though it was only one of the many talents he had). He met my grandma while she was working as a waitress in Idaho. She was a quick-witted red-haired beauty that won his heart and they were married not too long after that.

Six children were born to Fred and Louise Kibler. Two sons and four daughters. And during the time that most of them were still young, my grandpa was in the service. He was a World War II and Korean War veteran. They moved around alot (even living in Europe) but finally settled in Colorado. After my grandpa got out of the Air Force, he got a job at the Air Academy. There he worked in the laboratory department. He learned how to blow glass and make the glass lab containers that they used. (I still have some of his work that he made as gifts for the family.)

He was an active member in the Black Forest community where he and Grandma lived. He was a Boy Scout leader for his two sons when they were young, he was part of the sheriff's posse for a while, he did all kinds of work for elderly folks, he was always ready to give a helping hand to those who needed it.

When Grandma finally got too ill and was placed in a nursing home, there Grandpa was. Visiting her as often as he could. Taking walks with her (she's still fond of walking). He'd email the rest of us scattered over the country and report how she was doing. He was a devoted husband and had so much patience with his wife's worsening mental state. I couldn't believe what a strong man he was.

My grandfather, Frederick Karl Kibler Jr., passed away on December 13, 2003. He was an amazing man and he will be missed very much.

I love you, Grandpa.
 

Chickens in China. Yep, you read that right. Chickens in China. Now I bet you're asking yourself, why the HELL would I write about something as absurd sounding as that? Well, I'll tell ya.

I learned today (scary, eh?) that the flu virus comes from....are you ready for this....chickens in China. It seems that the folks that handle that sort of poultry in that particular country develop the flu virus. I'm still kinda sketchy on the details, but I heard this straight outta the doctor's mouth. So I'm gonna believe it. Every year, about this time, the flu starts over in China and spreads to the US by way of....chickens. Since they sell their fowl in open air markets over there, it spreads more quickly that way. Weird, huh? I tell ya, it's a conspiracy.

And all this time I thought the squirrels were the guilty party. Boy was I wrong!

Still haven't written anything worthy enough to post in my port. I've got a gothic type story started. It's a different spin on Dorothy and the Land of Oz. I did all kinds of brainstorming on it the other day, but I have yet to form a definite plot yet. Hopefully this weekend I'll find some free time to work on it. Doubtful though.

You ever feel that everyone wants some of your time to the point that you have nothing left to give? I know it sounds kinda wistful and selfish. On the other hand, I don't give enough of my time to those who need it (like my sister).

Laura's angry at me and I totally deserve it. I haven't been calling her enough or emailing her. I'm so bad at returning emails in a timely manner. Maybe I need to discipline myself into replying every time I get one from my buds. I'm just soooo lazy (and I hate being that way).

I'm hoping I'll get back in Laura's good graces but I doubt it at this point in time. She hurt me the last time I spoke to her on the phone and I cut our conversation short before I started crying. I know she's feeling neglected. I'm guilty and I need to do something about it. I'd like to take her out and spend some time with her, like we used to do. But I think she's going to stay mad at me for a long time yet.

*sigh*

My attempts at levity earlier in this entry have quickly eluded me. I'm sinking.....

My grandpa is in the hospital with congestive heart failure and pneumonia. He got sick not too long after Thanksgiving. He's in his eighties and it's really rough on him because he's had a lot of troubles with his heart before. I found this out from my dad (my mother had called him and told him the other day). So I'm worried about my grandpa too. I feel helpless that I can't do anything for him. He lives in Colorado and has most of his family there.

Poor Grandma is in a nursing home there. She's got Alztheimer's disease and doesn't know who anyone is hardly anymore. It's all very sad. She's been in the nursing home for a couple of years now. I remember her being the strong one who took care of Grandpa. She used to do all kinds of stuff for the community they lived in (and so did he). Now she's wasting away mentally and has to be supervised constantly so she doesn't wander off or hurt herself.

I'm afraid I won't see either one of them again. The last time we visited them was back in 2000. I remember Grandma not acting like her former self. I could tell she was slipping. She'd wear the same outfit two days in a row (and she's always been the type to wear classy pantsuits with heels and makeup). She'd repeat herself and not remember stuff very good (more so than the average person). I knew something wasn't right and so did the rest of us.

Now it looks like it's just getting worse for the both of them. I don't know what I can do to help. I feel so inept at this. Frustrated.

So yeah, I've had a lot on my mind now that I actually sit down to think about it (yeah, that was poorly put but I don't care). On top of all that, I've been battling my depression again. It comes and goes. Some days are better than others and I get through it somehow. I can't pick a real reason why I've been feeling so down (and I was long before I learned about my grandpa). It just kinda snuck up on me and swallowed me whole. I'll be okay though. I usually am.

I think I'll go post a couple of semi-okay poems tonight. Yep, they're reflective of my moods lately. So if you don't want to get sucked down into my pit with me, please don't read them. Just remember, I wrote them when I was feeling worse than I am now. Perhaps, after I put them up, I'll go read some comedy stuff in other people's ports. I need to build my number of items rated/reviewed back up anyway. And a laugh might do me some good.
 

I'm starting to like anime. Frightening, eh? At first I was very resistant to the idea of Japanese animation. I still don't care for the weird facial features (i.e., little noses, huge eyes, strange mouths). But it's the plots that I find interesting. Much more complex than the cartoons the US cranks out. And the detail they pour into their animation is amazing.

Last Saturday, I spent the afternoon at Cathy's watching "Shamanic Princess". I thought it was great, albeit a bit philosophic in parts, but altogether fascinating.

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In other news, Robbie's almost got his car put back together. He started it up tonight for the first time in nearly two months. Won't be long before he'll be driving it again. For some reason, I'm dreading that.

Not gonna rant in this entry. No sir, not gonna do it.

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I added to my "Budding Ideas" journal the other night. In fact, that's about the only writing I've been able to do of late. The kids have pretty much kept me busy to the point where I just don't have the time to write anymore. I have to have total concentration to whip out anything worthwhile. And that means no distractions. It's just not happening for me. I want to get all the ideas outta my skull and onto paper but I can't. I haven't finished a single story that I've begun. And I simply haven't written any new poems in eons. Not that I don't want to, it's just that what little I DO write sounds awful. Am I in a rut? Maybe. Will I ever come out of it? Hopefully.

I can feel my lucidity ebbing away even as I type. Usually I'm a night person, but I'm starting to get VERY sleepy. It's off to bed I go, before I fall asleep at my keyboard. Man, I MUST be getting old or something. I used to be such a nightowl. *stalks off muttering to herself*
 

I had to take off work early today so I could take Robbie to the doctor's. See, last night he was working on the spring that goes under the hood to his car. It (the springy-thing) unwound suddenly and smacked the shit out of his left hand/wrist area. Made him cuss pretty good too. And then it started swelling and hurting him. He couldn't sleep at all last night because of it. I kept asking him if he wanted me to take him to get it X-rayed and of course, he said no.

So I took matters into my own hands and took off work early this afternoon. I pretty much talked him into going to the doctor's. He's fine. No broken bones, thank Goddess. Just a nasty little swollen spot on his hand. He'll be fine, I'm sure. But I had to make sure he was okay and didn't break anything.

Why are men so damned stubborn about going to the doctor? I mean, from my experience of working in a clinic, why do they wait until they are VERY ill before they finally drag themselves to their physician? Does preventive care mean nothing to them? Sheesh!

Don't mind me, I'm just letting go of a little steam.

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Charlie still looks cute with her missing tooth. It's the lower one on her right. She'll be even cuter once she loses the top two. Eric was precious when he was that age and lost his two. They grow up so fast....

In other news, I've been feeling better. I finally shook off that cold-thingy and am pretty much back to normal (whatever that is!).

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In Evanescence news, if you're a fan then you've probably already heard about Ben Moody leaving the band right in the middle of their Europe tour. He came back to the US and was going to go to LA to talk to the record label. There were rumors of Ben sightings in Juanita's last week (Juanita's is a local music spot/bar & grill here in Little Rock). I hope he overcomes whatever troubles that are plaguing him. He and Amy are the main songwriters of the group. She does a lot of the lyrics and he writes the music. Personally, I think he'd be an absolute FOOL to walk out on a band like Evanescence. I mean, really! That group stands to make sooo much money and it's like the opportunity of a freakin' lifetime! But that's just how I feel about his leaving.

Didya know that the 'Imaginary' video (the homemade one using anime) that's available to download from KaZaA uses footage from a series called "Shamanic Princess"? I didn't either until my anime-guru-really great friend Cathy told me. She really knows her stuff. My sister and her husband had downloaded the video and burned it onto CD for me. It is way cool!! The lyrics go along PERFECTLY to the cartoon (and vice versa). I don't know who made the video, but it's truly outrageous! I got goosebumps when I watched it for the first time. Wonder if Amy Lee and company have seen it? Hmmm.....

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Well, I suppose that's enough of my chattering for one entry. Everything in my neck of the woods is going pretty good. I just hope Robbie takes as good care of me if I ever get hurt/sick. So far we've been lucky.
 

Okay, I'm not REALLY lovesick. But it was the closest Misfits song title that came close to describing me as of late. I AM sick. I must've picked up a virus/cold/flu at my clinic. 'Cause my head's congested and I'm steadily losing my voice. Sucks a fattie. So tomorrow I'm taking off work to stay home and rest. I definitely need it.

The kids haven't caught it yet. They've just had the occasional runny nose thing so far. I hope they don't get sick. I feel so bad for them when they do.

And in other news, Charlie lost her first tooth yesterday. She was acting strange when I picked her up from daycare and she wasn't speaking. At all. When I finally got us home, she spit it out in my hand and announced that it'd come out at her daycare, right before I picked her up. She's so silly. The Tooth Fairy visited last night and Charlie got two quarters for her troubles.

Last night I actually sat down and painted in real life for once. I haven't done that in a while. Didn't finish anything but I got started on some things. It felt good to do that.

I can't think of anything else to write tonight. It's like my brain went dead as soon as I clicked the 'add entry' button. I had some good ideas for stuff to write about on the way home from work. That's when I get inspired sometimes, driving in my car by myself. Then as soon as I get home, all my random thoughts escape me. Bleh.

So I suppose I'll call it quits for this entry. I can feel myself getting tired and groggy. Better boogie off to bed and try to write more sensibly tomorrow. G'night y'all.
 

So there we were Saturday, sitting on a bench near the playground and watching my kids innocently playing on the monkey bars. Suddenly the air was torn asunder by a thunderous BOOM! Everyone stopped talking and our heads whipped around towards the sound. A thick plume of smoke rose into the afternoon sky. Then everyone realized what had just happened.

"They must've set the canon off", my dad remarked with a grin.

And everyone went back to what they were doing.

Yep, we went to the Pinnacle Mountain Rendezvous on Saturday. They had it set up a little differently this year, but it was pretty much the same. The canon was a new thing. I don't remember them doing that in the previous years. They also fired muskets occasionally (though THEY weren't as loud).

We saw all kinds of folks dressed in time-appropriate costume. Mostly stuff from the early 1800s, frontier/pioneer/mountain man kinda clothes. There was at least one guy in a kilt (he had knobby knees, by the way ). And one older guy was dressed as a mountain man with a skunk skin cap! My dad snapped a picture of him.

The kids went on a canoe ride with my dad. I stayed ashore and guarded his camera and the bag full of deerhides that he'd bought. Maybe next year I'll finally get to go on a canoe ride. It looked like fun.

I bought Eric and Charlie a wooden flute apiece before we left to keep them occupied. So all along the trek back to the van, we listened to the lilting sounds of their efforts. It sounded like a couple of doves being tortured.

Our trek back to the parking area was enhanced by the appearance of a drunk young man. He staggered down the trail, past us and into the field where the cars were parked. The park rangers were onto his behaviour right away. I mean really, he was staggering wildly all over the place. And then he tried to run when one of the rangers got near him. He didn't get far because he was falling-down drunk. By the time we got to our van, he was being escorted to a park ranger's car. Yay!

So it was even exciting. Except for the drunkard, the day went pretty smooth. And both of the kids fell asleep on the way home. Their favorite part of the festival? Why, it was the playground of course!

My dad is taking this week off. He took Charlie up to my grandma's today with him. They're going to stay up there until Wednesday and then come back. He left an old wingback chair with his mom last year so that she could reupholster it (she does that kind of stuff still). He's going to have it done in deer hides (hence, one of the reasons he goes to the Rendezvous every year, to buy the leather!). He thinks he finally has enough to cover the whole chair. Trust me, the leather will look waaaay better than the god-awful fabric that WAS on the chair. Ugh.

So tonight I am Charlie-less. *sigh* I miss her. This is the first time she's spent the night away from us. I do hope she's behaving herself for her Paw-Paw (her name for my dad). I'm sure she's having fun. My cousin Kathy, who lives with her husband across the field from my grandma, has three children of her own for Charlie to play with. They're not much older than her and they get along really well. She's probably having a blast. *sighs again* I still miss her though. She's my baby.

I still haven't decided on a costume for Halloween yet. I need to go through all my stuff and see what I can come up with. I've got loads of black velvety things and a few pairs of black boots (ranging from pointy-toe Victorian-style to big clunky soled ass-kickers). I've got a couple of poet's blouses, a peasant blouse or two, and a number of skirts. Decisions, decisions.... I've even got a red-plaid hooded cloak (that I sewed myself, I'm happy to say). Maybe something Scottish? Irish? Weirdish? Who knows what I'll finally decide. Oh, then there's always that pink medieval gown I've got hanging in the back of my closet.....

Well, I 'spose that's enough for this entry. It's getting late and I need to get to bed. Even though I'm not really sleepy just yet. I think I'll go read some more of the book I'm currently working through (The Crow--Wicked Prayer by Norman Partridge....nice and creepy, just the way I like 'em!).

Later y'all!
 

*starts singing a la Pee Wee Herman* Connect the dots! La la la la! Connect the dots! La la la la!

If you're wondering why I've chosen to sing then I suppose I should tell you. You see, yesterday I was off due to it being a federal holiday. So Robbie decided it would be an opportune time to go get those car parts he needs for his Chevrolet Malibu. He calls around to a couple of places and BANG! He finds a local auto salvage yard with what he needs. And so we're off, after having dropped our daughter off at day care first, mind you (Eric was in school anyway).

We arrive at said junkyard, tools in hand. We find said car with said parts intact and in fairly decent shape (and even the same color as his car!). Robbie puts me to work with a ratchet and we're there unbolting the core support for the radiator. Then we start to notice mosquitoes. LOTS of mosquitoes. Hovering all around us. Going in for the kill. EVERYWHERE. It was awful. I didn't mind taking apart the car. That wasn't too bad. It was all them damned bloodsucking flying insects! ARGH!!!!!

*goes back to scratching her arms again* Yeah, yeah... I hear ya. I know we should've sprayed ourselves with bug repellant or something. But hey, I like to complain, you know? I've been a very good girl and haven't complained to anybody all day long.

Anyway, marching on..... Well, Robbie did find all of his car parts to fix his POS station wagon so that he can drive it again. That was fortunate.

Sunday, Laura and I went shopping and I got her more baby stuff. I love buying baby stuff. It makes me nostalgic for when my own two were little bitty. Children are so sweet when they're infants. They don't fight, they don't argue, they don't call their siblings 'poo-poo head'. Of course, they grow out of that baby stage all too quickly. I'm told I have LOTS to look forward to when they turn into teenagers.

Oh yeah....We have rabbits now. Five of them out in cages down the hill behind the shed. Robbie agreed to take them off his sister's hands finally. She'd gotten them from their dad. It's like them rabbits are hot potatoes...nobody wants them. Sheesh, you'd think they bred like...rabbits. Oh, wait. They- nevermind. There's three females and two males. One of the females is all white (almost all white anyway). Her name is Snow White. Then there's Mary and Pippin (yeah, it's a take on LOTR's Merry and Pippin). And last is Bugs and Daphne (instead of Daffy). The kids helped name them. Yeah, we're all just a little crazy around here. But it was fun.

We can't snuggle and hold the rabbits. They don't really know us yet. We've got to earn their trust, I reckon. I know absolutely NOTHING about raising rabbits, but I suppose I'll be learning. They ARE kinda cute, you know. And soft, with the prettiest fur...

Speaking of bunny hops and hopping bunnies... go read this: "Invalid Item"  It's written by my very good friend, Thumbsucker . I think it's romantic, cute, and funny. Gary's only got a couple of chapters up so far, but it's going to be a wonderful story. I can tell by what I've read so far. I might be a bit biased though, because I really like his sense of humor.

Well, I think that's about it for this entry, folks. My lucidity is ebbing away and sleep is seeking me....
 

Well, I put up a new story tonight. I used my inspiration from Evanescence's "Even in Death". It's a haunting, eerie song and the first time I heard it I had all these great mental images. It just composed itself into a story. And I finally finished it tonight. Whew.

I've got some ideas for some more stories too. They come to me while I'm at work and I have to be quick to outline them or they vanish. I've even got an idea or two for some new erotica, realizing that it's been a while since I've put my first story in my port. I could always try to work on something I've already written, but I've gone back through my old erotica stories. Trust me, they're not worth saving. They're lame. Yeah, I'm my own worst critic.

So right now, the family is all asleep. Eric and Robbie are on the couch snoozing. Charlie is dozing in the recliner. I'm up all by myself. I think I'll try to meditate tonight. I haven't done that in soooo long. I used to fall asleep every time I tried to meditate. Sad, eh? I need to clear my head and I've found that sitting quietly alone in a room with some incense and a candle burning is very restorative to the soul. I just don't get many chances to do it anymore, since I've been married and had kids.

Since Samhain is coming up (Halloween to everyone else), I want to perform a proper ritual this year. I haven't done that in a while either. Though I'd like to go down in the garden and commune with the Goddess and God, I don't think it'll happen. Too many nosey neighbors peeping out their windows. *mutters about the trailer park next door* So I'll more than likely seclude myself indoors after the children (and husband) go to bed.

Robbie isn't bothered by my beliefs. In fact, I don't think he really has any of his own. Any time I try to bring up religion or philosophy, he dodges the subject all together. I have a hard time having deep-thought provoking conversations with him. Though I love him dearly (at times), I get frustrated by his lack of sharing his personal views on stuff. I mean, it's not like I'm going to try to change him. I'm just curious to hear what HE thinks about things.

Now when I talk to Eric or Charlie about how I think about stuff in life, I usually get more questions than I bargained for. LOL! But that's cool. It shows that they're interested in knowing WHY. They're like little sponges, soaking up information. I can just see the gears in their minds working as they mentally digest new information. The major downside to all that is that they usually choose bad times to ask questions. Like when I'm trying to sleep or when I'm on the phone. Kids. Gotta love 'em.

Well, if I'm going to do any meditating tonight at all, I better get off this computer and hop to it. Or else I'll just fall asleep in this damn chair. G'night y'all.
 

Okay, so tonight's title has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with my personal life. In fact, it was the only title that my tired Kahlua-besotted mind could latch onto. The kids are both asleep, Rob's in bed, and here I be. In all my glory. Oh, wait. That makes it sound like I'm sitting here nekkid in front of the computer. Sorry to disappoint you (or maybe to your relief), I'm not naked. I'm rambling fully-clothed tonight.

Yes, I've had two drinks tonight. Just two. And it's a wonder I can still spell. Woo-hoo!

Well, Monday night Rob wrecked his car. So all this week, I've been dropping him off and picking him up from work. No, he wasn't injured in the accident. He says it was a deer that jumped out in front of him. Personally, I think it had more to do with his lack of sobriety.

I sound hypocritical, don't I? Well, at least when (and if) I drink, I don't go out and about in my car. I stay at home. And usually wait until the kids are asleep. It's something I do on MY time. So yeah, I'm a little buzzed right now. It's a rare thing for me to be this way.

Okay, enough of the alcohol talk. I'm ready to move on to other things. Rob finally went to the doctor Tuesday and got back on his anti-depressants. Since then, he's been acting less edgy and irritable. It's a very good thing for him. I'm glad he finally found it within himself to get back on his meds. Now if only I could get over myself and get some help for my problems. I guess I haven't hit that rock-bottom low yet.

So you know what music I'm sitting here listening to right now? Cirque du Soleil (from their Alegria CD). Yep, you read that right. I like the music from their shows. It's eerie and haunting and... I like it. Eclectic, me? Yes. Weird? Most definitely and damn proud of it.

Lately, I've been feeling more creative at work. I still write down whatever little story comes creeping into my head, but I've also been getting all kinds of ideas for new drawings too. The backs of my message sheets have become crowded with my random cranial outspurts (sounds icky, huh?). In fact, in two days, I've got two short stories already begun. I hope to finish them sometime this weekend (provided I don't run into any writer's blocks). I'll even post one of my new stories just as soon as I finish this entry, too.

Oh, I forgot to tell y'all what I get to do tomorrow morning/afternoon. I get to take Rob out to the auto salvage yard to buy parts for his wrecked station wagon. Oooooooh, I can hardly wait. NOT! But we'll have to borrow Dad's van for that adventure. What fun, trudging about in a dirty 'ole wrecking yard full of junk cars. Yay. I'll be of some use, I suppose. I can at least tell a phillips screwdriver from a standard. I'm sure I'll be tested on that later, too.

Aaah, now my exhaustion is catching up on me. I can feel my eyelids drooping shut. My brain is closing down. I think I'll wait until tomorrow to post that new story. Unless you want to muddle through a mess of grammatically-impaired work.

Naw, I'll just call it a night and go have a smoke. Outside, mind you. I don't allow smoking in my house. Toodles!
 

So here I sit, waiting for the laundry to dry so I can go to bed. Yep, I'm up way too late again on a Sunday night. I stayed up until after 3 this morning, waiting for Robbie to come home. He was over at his brother's. Again. *sigh* I wonder how much of my life is wasted by simply waiting.

Right now he's out there working on my stupid car and cussing it loudly. Oh yeah, and he's drunk too. What fun. We seem to be arguing more lately but it's a cycle we go through. Who knows, maybe a week from now I'll be all lovey-dovey. Not now though.

Anyway, on with the entry. Let's see, in NON-bitching news, I posted my Saga of SuffeRing drawings. And here they are:

"Saga of SuffeRing Drawings" 

Man! Has it been busy around here since last I wrote! My kids have managed to befriend the kids next door and they've been over at our place pretty much every night for the past week or so. Marty and her brother Mike have taken a liking to me. I guess 'cause I don't act like a typical grownup. They're good kids though. I don't mind them coming over. Marty is 12 (soon to be 13) and her brother is 13 and a half.

They both act pretty mature for their ages. Mike is a voracious reader and I'm letting him borrow my copy of the latest Harry Potter book. He's a cool kid. He's even read all of the Lord of the Rings series. I was impressed. They get along good with my two kids. Mike and Eric both have their Gameboys in common. And Marty and I spent two hours Friday night playing with my Barbie dolls. It was fun.

Anyway, they've kept me busy and I haven't had much of a chance to be online to catch up on my email.

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I've been working on some of my drawings, when I can get a chance that is! I went through my old sketchbooks and found a few that looked like I could improve. I'm going to use my wacom tablet and see what happens. For most of my old stuff, there IS no help for them. Yes, they're that bad.

I still have a lot of work to catch up on. I've got at least two more short stories I want to post in my port. One is REALLY gross. It's high on the ick factor, in my opinion and it's based on a true story. The other is a brief bit of fanfiction about Dorothy and Oz. I deleted the campfire about the VanHooter gang. Maybe I'll get inspired again sometime in the future about Crissy and her crew of rednecks, but for right now I'm just not interested. It happens.

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Don't you hate when you have all these great ideas for writing in your journal and then when you actually DO get online to post an entry, your mind goes like, totally BLANK??? Well, I hate it. I can't think of a single thing that I wanted to write about. Perhaps if I just start rambling (oh, I've been doing that anyway), I'll remember just what it was that I wanted to say. Okay, random topic. Lemme think....

Personal time. Being alone. I don't get much of that anymore. Lately, the only time I'm by myself is on the ride to work (after I've dropped my daughter off) and on the way home. Sometimes it's enough for me. Sometimes it isn't. I'd like to have a whole day to myself. Just to be able to sleep in as late as I want to, go eat breakfast at my favorite restaurant, and spend all day doing whatever I wanted to. Realistically, that won't happen any time soon.

I've been thinking about attending the next Writing.Com convention. It sounds like so much fun and getting to meet some of the great folks here on this site would be awesome. It would be a first for me. Going on a trip all by myself. I think it'd be quite an adventure. I'm seriously considering it. Robbie would probably freak. He worries about me and the prospect of him being alone with the kids for four days is scary enough. My dad, whom I've already discussed it with, thinks it would be a good experience for me. I agree. I'd get to see a new place and do things I haven't done before. I'd be nervous as hell, but I think I could get over it.

All right. I'm still sitting here. Half-watching Roseanne on Nick. Half working on this entry. Half...oh wait, that's not right. Okay, partially then. Partially listening to the radio that Robbie's got cranked out in the yard. He's busy stripping the paint off my old BMX bike and he's got my car's radio up loud. Yeah, it's late. Eric and Charlie are both sleeping. I suppose I'd better go and check the I&Os to see what's been posted.

Talk at y'all later.
 

It may have been two years since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. But this morning as I listened to a memorial service on the radio, I surprised myself by crying. Sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, I had to fumble for a tissue. They were playing sound clips and telephone conversations from that awful morning. It broke me up to hear the absolute terror in the people's voices. I suppose I will be haunted for a long time. We should never forget. That's how I feel about it.

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In news of the mommy sort, Laura got her ultrasound done today. She's going to have a daughter! She's already got a name picked out: Julia May (it's the name of one our ancestors on our Dad's side). Laura and the baby are doing fine. Everything is going along as it should. Now I get to go out and bunches of cute girly things. PINK!! Yay!! Of course, if she'd been having a boy, I'd be out buying bunches of...BLUE baby things!! I just like to shop, what can I say?

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So now here I sit at the computer. The kids are engrossed in watching "The Little Mermaid" and the husband is taking a nap in our room. It's raining like a big dog outside. I think it's leftovers from one of them hurricanes, but I haven't really paid much attention to the weather on TV lately. We tend to get the moisture from those hurricanes from the Gulf of Mexico (not the wind, thank Goddess!).

Oh wait. There's a frog on the window. The rain brings them out, you know. He's just perched there, limbs all spread out. His mouth is doing that froggy-quivering thing. I think he's looking for some tasty insects or something. Cute li'l bugger.

*puts on turn signal* I'm still got a case of writer's block. I managed to write a poem the other night. I think I'll post it simply because I haven't put any new poetry up in so long. It was inspired by one of my all-time favorite guitarists, Yngwie Malmsteen and his song "Black Star". It's instrumental and absolutely wonderful.

I got hooked on Yngwie's music by way of a novel by Gael Baudino entitled "Gossamer Axe". It's a tale of a fairy who lives in the modern world with her lover (she's a lesbian, by the way). Her lover gets kidnapped by the enemy fairy king and is trapped in their world. To get her back, the main character must somehow use her music to save her. But the only music she knows how use is her harp. It proves to not be strong enough and she is forced to come up with a better substitute. Since she's also a teacher of the harp, one of her students turns her onto....heavy metal! She becomes fascinated by the guitar and learns how to play. The name of the song that enchanted her to play guitar? "Black Star" by Yngwie Malmsteen. In the end, she forms a band with some of her girlfriends and they totally blow the enemy fairy king away with their music. They blast him with a good dose of their version of Quiet Riot's "Metal Health". It's funny and it's cool. One of my favorite books. I went out and bought Yngwie's "Rising Force" the first chance I got. And I wasn't disappointed.

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Man, it's STILL raining. And yep, frog's still there. Only now he's facing downward. Must have had water going up his nose. Well, that concludes my exciting episode for now. Keep on keepin' on....
 

It's been ages since I've put new material in my port here. Sad, eh? I've been teased by little thoughts and inspirations but I haven't actually written anything worthy of posting. Just a random poem or two (that aren't really too good).

I've been doing more reading lately. I bought "Girl Interrupted" by Susanna Kaysen last Friday and finished it within a couple of days. It's a very good book. It describes her life within a mental institution in the 60s, where she spent nearly two years. I was reminded of my own time spent in a similar program when I was a teenager. But my experiences weren't as wild as hers. Still scary though. At least they didn't keep us doped up on drugs like they did way back in Susanna's time.

I'm currently reading Terry Pratchett's "Soul Music". It's hilarious and very silly. I love his style. It reminds me of Douglas Adams (the guy who wrote "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe"). He's British and simply has a great sense of humor. I loved his collaboration with Neil Gaiman (another favorite author of mine) when they wrote "Good Omens". It was an end-of-the-world story about the Apocalypse. One of Terry's recurring characters is Death who gets to speak in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS (Death also has a sidekick: Death of Rats who is a little rat skeleton in a cloak bearing a scythe. All he ever says is, SQUEAK).

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I'm not taking my kids out to eat for a long time. At least until they grow up a little more. Monday we all went to the Cracker Barrel (our favorite restaurant) to eat lunch. Charlie immediately went into tantrum-mode as soon as we got to our table. Kicking, screaming, the whole nine yards. Eric took the opportunity to tease her and make it worse. Dad and Robbie started yelling at them and I just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. It was ugly. They've gotten worse lately, when we go out to eat. So I've come to the conclusion that they need to mature some more before we attempt to eat out again. I can only hope that Eric and Charlie grow up and have kids that act just like they did. It's only fair, you know.

But my kids aren't really THAT bad. At home they're pretty tame. Aside from the occasional attempts on each other's lives, mind you. Charlie cracks me up sometimes. At night, she'll lay there in bed with us and sing. I love her version of Don McLean's "American Pie". The chorus is almost unintelligible but she's got the melody nailed. She also likes to sing Beatle's songs. It's cute. The last time she and I shopped together at Wal Mart, we went down the aisles singing the Spam song from Monty Python. She likes to interrupt me loudly (like Eric Idle's character) with, "I don't LIKE Spam!!" It's hilarious to hear a little four-year old girl trying to fake a shrill British accent. Well, it's funny to me anyway!

And Eric's been making me proud lately too. Since he's started school again this year, he's been making very good marks. All A's and a couple of B's. I think it's a combination of his new medicine and the fact he's got a male teacher (a first for him). It's totally different from last year, that's for sure. I hope he can keep it up.

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So I sat around Monday night watching the Discovery channel. Man, there were some cool shows on. I watched a three-part program about custom motorcycles. It featured five guys from around the country who built custom bikes. Two of them I recognized from other shows I'd seen (Paul Yaffe and Indian Larry). I thought it was amazing what they came up with. Indian Larry made this old-school chopper with all kinds of wicked details. He even had a hand-painted Rat Fink logo airbrushed on the gas tank. Paul Yaffe crafted a sweet-looking ride that looked very retro and had a candy-apple paint job. Of course, Jesse James is pretty well-known too, for making custom motorcycles. But these guys were every bit as good as him (and better too, I think).

Yeah, I love to watch the custom motorcycle shows on TV. It's one of my weaknesses, I admit. I enjoy seeing what they come up with. The swoopy curves, wicked tire rims, the curious-shaped gas tanks, the long sweeping front forks. It's cool. I like to watch 'American Choppers' (I swear those guy's father gets off on being so friggin' bossy!) and 'Monster Garage' (though not really about motorcycles, it does feature custom-made vehicles). And the sad thing is, the last time I rode a motorcycle was when I was about six. My dad had a bike he used to ride to work. Sometimes we'd go riding together on the weekends. I loved it. The wind in my hair, the rush from being out in the open. It stayed with me. Maybe someday I'll get up the nerve to learn how to ride on my own and get a motorcycle. Just a dream for now......yep, I'm rambling again.

Well, I think that'll about do it for this entry. Gotta mosey on over to my favorite in and outs to see what's shakin'.

Later!