Well, I have been offline for close to forever. I promise, I sent in the children's book, but I didn't even get a rejection letter...then I got distracted. Life is very chaotic right now, so I don't know why I'm here, except that I have been reinfected with a desire to work on my novel again. I put together several ideas and characters, if you remember my "Help Me Write My Novel" piece (I'm not going to link it because I'm lazy), but I procrastinated because of the sheer amount of historical research necessary. Today, I was talking to a friend, Adam, who was reading several of these stories and telling me to get my butt in gear and write the novel, and I realized, hello, it doesn't have to be totally historic. I mean, I know I thought this once before but frankly the historic aspects of the time travel were interesting to me. Well, I'm tired of having this novel percolating, it's been, what, four or five years? It's insane. It's time to write it and be done with it.

So I'm going to do it. I'm trashing the historical data and bringing it modern. I'm reorganizing and replotting. I am picking the most awful time ever to do this. I am sad to say that my husband and I decided last week that it was time to end our marriage. (I just don't like the phrase "get a divorce".) I'm polishing my resume so I can actually earn money as a single mom, because that is coming soon. I'm an emotional wreck. So why the hell am I working on a novel?

First, because it is stuck in my head again. I started the "what if" game, and anyone who writes knows how that is.

Second, because I need an escape. I've been gaming a lot lately - WoW for the win! - and it's a great escape, but there's nothing like delving into a world of your own creation, where you have the power. The first novel I ever wrote, back in middle school, I created this totally "omgosh she's awesome" character and I beat the crap out of her every way possible. I almost feel sorry for her, but since I still resent her, not so much. So the same is true here. I need some sort of control over some aspect of my life, and something is telling me this is gonna be it. Plus I need a happily ever after.

Third, I am writing because Adam told me I have to. And I do everything Adam tells me to do. Oh I am so kidding...but not. I have always loved this site in part because it is a massive confidence booster for me. Sometimes I just need to hear someone tell me they think I have talent, or that I should write. It's so easy to dismiss it as "nonessential" because I have to clean the house or bring in a paycheck. So my friend Adam reads a few stories and comes back and tells me I'm wasting my talent. Very flattering. And encouraging. Then I started thinking about Jonathan, Caroline, and Alex, and now they are starting to consume me again. Maybe I'll just be totally irresponsible over the next two months and see if I can pull it all the way through. And then I'll go back to being a responsible, job applying adult. Actually, I have my resume polished and a couple of very specific cover letters. And I can't be that selfish. I have to do the things that I need to do. But maybe I can skip on sleep. Like right now, I'm seriously trying to decide if I need it...

The whole novel is in my head. I need to do a little refreshing on the intricacies of the time travel stops, but the people have always been there. I know what Jonathan works with Alex, I know what pushes Caroline, and I know why Alex goes darkside. I can see the scenes. I can remember the dream that sparked it all. I just need to expand, elaborate, and totally make it happen. If I make myself put WoW away and seriously focus, I know I can make it happen. But...I dunno if I can give up gaming, which takes no thought. You have to understand that it's the social aspect that really cement it for me (the gaming, not the writing). On the flip side, to get this finished...

I'm also not altogether certain now is the best time to surround myself with a fantasy. Dang it. I don't know if I can go to bed tonight. I'm trying to convince myself to shut down the comp, but another part of me really wants to start. But if I start tonight, I'll be up forever.

edited to add: I shut down the computer. I turned off the lights. I scripted the first scene. Wow. Do you know how long I usually struggle on the first scene - much less the first sentence or paragraph? - when I start a story or novel? But I lay there in bed, and the whole thing just sort of came to me, line by line, detail by detail. So here I am, 1300 words later, shutting off my computer for the second time tonight. But. But, I have managed to intro Caroline and her project, and to bring Jonathan (yet unnamed) into the picture. Now I just have to move forward. It's only one a.m. What was I thinking? I'm going to sleep now and hopefully tomorrow I can wrap up the first few chapters. Unless, of course, I turn out the lights and get Jonathan's description of what is going to happen. How, exactly, is he going to convince Caroline? Hmm.