I'm sore, I hurt, I'm pain, I can't open my mouth up too much and I pratically slept the whole day in my bed. BUT, I didn't bleed and bleed, I got the gauze out quickly, I'm not that swollen, and I'm dealing with the pain. All in all, I built it up to huge, terrible monster and still isn't something to sneeze at, but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be.


          I've been icing my jaws, both of them, constantly to make sure any swelling will be taken care of. My Mother has taken care of me wonderfully, especially when I really needed it and my tongue was paralyzed and I couldn't feed myself any ice cream or pain killer I needed to take.


          I got it done, I'm proud of myself. This was terrifying but I got it done and now all I need to do is ice, eat ice cream and foods without anything in it, like chocolate sundaes, instead of cookie dough that could get stuck in my sockets.


          Thanks so much to everyone that sent off my emails and told me it'd be okay and was nice, encouraging, and it was really wonderful of you guys. It really did touch me and I appreciate it so much, plus it means a lot to me too. I was definitely quite scared. I'll be sending another "thank you" from my journal too, but I just wanted to do a somewhat quick post before I go to bed. I was so nervous and scared last night I didn't sleep so I don't want to repeat that again. Of course, I slept all day today but I really want to sleep tonight.


          Anyways, I'll try and keep you updated, I'll try to nurse myself well and I'm hoping I get to feeling better soon, so here's to wishing that!
 

          I want for Chris to leave me alone, leave me be. He left a voicemail that I didn't quite hear and didn't try to hear that well. Something about wishing me off or something like that with my trip with Josh. I don't trust a word he says now. Anymore. So everything just doesn't matter to me. Because I have no trust in the person saying or typing the words.


          I think it'd make Chris happy if I contacted, or talked to him. But it wouldn't make me happy. And I never want to throw myself in that position of maybe falling back into what I had to fight for 3 months or more. I never want to face that again, and struggle to be rid of it...


          That was awful.


          But through it all, even my talking about not being around in October because of my school thing and all that Josh stayed by me. He understood it in a way I needed someone to. He's been my reminder that I'm strong, and that I make him... very happy. And I think it's wonderful that I can make him very happy, be there for him if he needs it, or be his strength, or his hope. I love him. I love Josh, I'm proud of him, and I believe he has the strength, the smarts, the creativity, and all that to do anything he puts his mind to.


          He has my trust like probably no one else has. Josh has seen me like very few people have. I want to protect myself, I don't like showing my whole self to someone. Especially my angry side, especially my doubting side, sad side, and maybe other sides.


          I don't know about love, it's a scary thing. But I'm following my heart once again. But it feels like Josh is almost like... my soul mate. Someone so alike to me. And that's a very special kind of feeling.
 

          Life is always making you think. Change. Want more. Doubt yourself, why your living, question your strength you have, if it's enough, putting people in your life, taking people away, though I've always been someone to have that power of taking them away.


          Life has never really taken away anyone from me... but with saying that, I check myself. It took away my grandpa. It can make people disappear forever. But I try to have that power of taking people out of my life for myself. It's not easy. And if life would take them away, not as in death, of course, but meaning something that life could be blamed for, them moving, or something else like that happening, maybe it'd be easier. But you can overcome those obstacles life throws at you if you really do want that person in your life. I was unsure if I'd ever see Josh again. But I knew that even though he was in Kentucky, and now in New York, and we might never see each other again, I wanted him in my life.


          I wanted Chris in my life but it just... didn't work. And something seemed to keep telling me to push him away. And I've never felt that with Josh. So I guess now, I was feeling that for some reason.


          Life just loves to throw things at you, just keep on trudging on.
 

          Sometimes I really do miss Josh. Long distance relationships are beyond hard... but I know my heart couldn't be with anyone else right now. Or want anyone else to be touching me. I don't want to try and make things perfect for our visit... I think it'll be perfect enough him being there.


          I can't tell Josh I love him enough to send those shivers down his spine. Or to hear that content sigh of his, or just that kind of happy noise he makes... and I hope I say it perfect.


          He says the cutest, "I love you". It's in this sincere tone and it's perfect.


          Very much.
 

          Yes, been awhile since I last wrote in this thing... I can't deny my care for Chris. Dude, I care about this guy a whole lot. I don't even know if I have cared this much about someone before. For me to get through into a depression with it... not just them, but definitely they were helping with it. I've never let myself get that affected before. I can't give up on him. But I can't help but to feel like I was feeling with Matt where I just eventually stopped calling him. That I'm bugging him, that my calls don't mean anything, that I'm the one calling, ect, ect...


          I called Chris just now. Woke him up, of course felt bad for that. Didn't mean to. Didn't want to. I'm still pretty tired myself too. Then I called Josh before because his grandma passed away... I wanted to call for that reason. Even if it was in the morning. I don't seem to be helpful to anyone today...


          I feel pretty damn crappy, to tell ya the truth.


          I wake-up Chris, he sounds just terrible, I probably interrupt Josh too. I remember how simple and easy things were when I was alone. I had no guys. I had no girls. I certainly didn't have two guys I care for very much. Both I wonder if I'll ever see again. One I've been waiting for 3 weeks now to see... maybe more. I miss him. I miss Chris, really a lot, really I do.


          Said it so, so many times...


          Do I make things worse with Chris? Am I doing any good at all? Why did I have to wake him up? I really hate when I do that... and I can feel myself backing up into my shell. Do I lie that I'm okay or tell him the truth? Or do I cry somehow? I only check up on him because I care. And I hate caring this much.


          I feel like a big ol' screw-up.


          And I hate self-hating on myself...


          It's easy though... soooo easy... very, very easy for me. I just feel kinda hopeless, helpless, and like I can't accomplish anything. I'm a fluke. I can't help anyone. Can't do anything. Can't bring in money. Can't do this. So it's back to the weekdays. Woo hoo.
 

          I'm getting lots of views on this thing, my blog-o. Huh. Wonder who reads. I always do... I'm obsessed over views. I like them, I'm a journal exhibitionist, what can I say? Love to have people reading, though don't know many who do, would, who does. It's a mystery. But people seem to read, or at least come across, and stop by, and click. Read... not too sure. Maybe I should go in my journal statistics? Hey, that's always interesting to look through that.


          Anywho, it's a crap, crap, nasty, horrible, cold, cloudy day. No sun. No warmth. Just crap. It's total crap. And tomorrow is my infamous date thing and meeting someone online for the first time ever. Okay... stay calm... deep breaths... don't freak out... ah, but whenever I tell myself to do something, I do the opposite. So, maybe if I tell myself to freak out, I'll be really calm, relaxed, and comfortable?


          My brain is a strange, weird, odd place... just not overanalyze with being okay. Guess I gotta walk the fine line of telling myself calm down, and just being calm without saying it. Or the line of to be a nervous wreck or be okay.


          I've been thinking...


          That always spells trouble, huh?


          I've been thinking about deleting every email I've gotten from my ex, from Chris. I saved all of the emails, all of them, they're just taking up space. Will I read them? Probably not. I'm just sentimental over them, I guess, but I should just get rid of them. I held onto them thinking we would eventually talk, but no, no talking. I think I'm... I'm over him. I'm over what he did, and him. It still stings, still hurts, still affects me when I try to be with a guy, talk to him, like Chrissy, it does, but it just... is kinda over. It doesn't matter if I have closure or not. And those emails don't matter. I just still don't want to look at his handle to delete them, but it will make my email space less clogged and get rid of the old stuff. I don't care to read them, I probably never will, what good would it do to read them?


          I don't know, I'm just done and through and have been with my ex, but it's just... easier for me. A lot easier, even though my problems with Chris and what happened with him is being brought over to Chrissy. And then that can make me suspicious, or not believe something, or compare, but I think I'm doing better. I just don't know what will happen between he and I, Illinois Chris, the one I'll be meeting. I can almost guarantee you he won't be interested if he sees me. Even if I look a lot better, hotter, nicer, and different from my Thanksgiving photos of 2004. Don't think he'll feel any sparks, hey, maybe I won't? Ya never know though, you can never say things for certain.


          What a crappy day.


          He'd love today, I bet. Since he's the cloudy and thunderstorms guy, I'm the sun and warm weather girl. It's probably so bad I won't be jumping Mandy outside, have a horse lesson today, so will be riding at... 4:30-5:30 pm or so. I'm looking forward to it, though haven't ridden for awhile, not since my ankle injury I've been taking it easy on it and when I rode, just rode bareback. Sierena is gonna ride my to the ground, I know it. But hey, I'm not complaining, I like a good ride, like to have it be productive and get something out of it at the end of the lesson. Hey, I think my stomach is telling me to eat something, I'm pretty hungry.


          Will see you all later, of course.
 

          BAM! Shot down... it still makes me smile with that convo in mind. Where I did ask him what we were, and I did get a straight answer, for once it seemed, with a guy. I need a friend, do need that. But what I need and I want can get a little mixed up in a my mind. I need a friend, I want him. It's strange... I always said I wouldn't be attracted to an overweight guy. My family has always been kinda mean with people who are overweight. Matt isn't that much, but I thought I'd go after a guy with a little more of a bod, but it doesn't matter to me. It's just a funny thing with trust, ya know?


          Taking myself back to the first time I noticed Matt, and I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine, and I smiled, I felt instant trust. Walls were still up a little, but I did feel trust, much more so than any guy I've come across. It's funny, maybe silly. Just thinking whether or not to give him a call today. He's supposedly not doing class, I think, or maybe that's next month, so gonna try my white lie on him. Think, if he wanted to, going over to Six Flags would be a blast. I actually, one time, when I was a young girl, I day dreamed about taking a guy over to the place to have some fun.


          My issues with guys have never happened with Matt. I just feel comfortable and... safe, with him. I don't feel suspicious, paranoid, anxious, scared, or anything like that. He makes me feel pretty safe, very comfortable, where I'd normally probably be clawing at the door to get out. I hate being in closed spaces with a guy, and in a moving car? There's no way out, I don't feel anything with my bro or my Dad, but with another guy... think I'd be pretty anxious. I was a little when I first went out with Matt but soon just felt comfortable and okay.


          Sometimes I think I want to protect him from me... does that make sense? That I'll scare him away, do something stupid, and he won't want to see me, or even talk to me, anymore. I guess I'll take the risk of that maybe happening if I want him as a friend, I do. I know I'll make mistakes and goof up, I can't help it, I'm human. So will he too. He's the only guy I'd trust to hang out with, want to hang out with... I've seen his eyes. Nice, kind, gentle, soft, intelligent eyes I love to look at, into.


          Now, though, he says we're friends, but he calls when we are going out a date. He says we are dating right now, but we are just friends. Then... aren't we just... two friends going out? I've never wanted to admit that word, date. I think he's trying to say I'm not his g/f, and he's not my b/f. Or maybe he has commitment issues? Who knows, I was reading a guy's blog and he was saying how he was talking to this girl and how that was fun and nice, but she wanted to date, and he wanted to stay as friends cause' he doesn't want a relationship. I'm a little confused by it all, the date word always kinda throws me off. It's confusing... I'm not used to it. I didn't think I was actually gonna date for awhile, long while, and then I did my first last December. I still don't get them, the rules, what I'm supposed to do, I know I'm mixing everything up. The guy is supposed to call me, not me call the guy. Thinking of that...


          Matt said he would call me around this week when we were getting close to saying our good-byes. I know he won't, he sucks at it, majorly. It's still nice to hear that he wants to call, or that he'd like to visit and see me too. When to call, and what day, I'm always unsure about. Catching him when he's upstairs and is near the phone is always... great. To hear his voice first, gets me all excited and happy and giddy and such.


          That same guy who talked to me yesterday did a "Hey cutie". Okay, no, no hey cutie. Next what can I expect? "Hey, my love". No. I'm not going through that again. The only guy who can call me sweet things, get away with it, and get me to melt without any thoughts or suspicions is Matt, and that isn't him. A "You're sweet" from Matt, which only I heard once, had me blushing and looking down all shy. I trust Matt with his words, if he says it, he means it, no needing to be suspicious, or paranoid, or anything, he isn't and never is full of BS, at all. He's actually really smart... even if he doesn't believe it or admit it to himself. I love his intelligence, find it very attractive, even more so with him not even believing he's that smart, and he is. But, of course, find almost everything attractive about him...


          I see a really nice friendship with me and Matt. It already is really nice... he takes me out, and it makes me happy, to be out with him, enjoying myself, relaxed with a guy, and he's a really cute friend, in my eyes, who smells oh so damn good all the time... okay, he's cute, he's hot, and he's handsome. Plus... he's a good guy. Spent several days helping his sister move out. He always seems to be helping out his family and I think that's great. And hey, he's willing to listen, and talk to me for 3 hours. Definitely was quite happy with that.


          I remember first doing chat I didn't like anyone calling me "baby". I still don't. Also... don't call me Mamma Sita. Got called that when I was 13 by this one guy, didn't understand how I was his Momma, and hoped I didn't remind him of his Momma... Well, whatever. I told the guy what was on my mind and probably scared him off. Sweet words are a bunch of bull, I look at it like that, now-a-days. I trust what Matt says but he isn't the sweet kinda guy, which doesn't matter to me, just like him how he is, smartass, I like it just fine, wouldn't change him into a sweet talking romantic, no way. I trust anything he says to me, if he says something sweet to me, I tell ya, I'm probably melted... it's so rare, but means the world to me though. Quite a lot...
 

          The emotional roller coaster goes everyhwhere...


          I'm hoping to get off of it.


          Go into the fetal position like I do when I sleep.


          And cry.


          If I don't cry, I'm hoping to sleep off whatever this is. I hope for the tears to get out what I need to get out and what I've been fighting not to let myself cry I finally pushed it this time and couldn't cry when I wanted to. So I panicked, but didn't do anything drastic. I talked to elizm446 and then my Mom, thereby stopping myself from doing anything stupid with realizing I couldn't cry and how I was definitely not happy and freaking about that. And it doesn't help that I have my period.


          I can't keep my eyes open, I'm so, so tired with fighting myself. Night. I know fantizing about a 30 year old is wrong, but I need some comfort tonight, and I think those might help. Heck, it ain't wrong to me, I hope to maybe call the guy tomorrow. Hope he's doing alright. Hope I'll be okay tomorrow. We'll see. Night.
 

          Wow, from 659 views to 671 after I sent my last entry off. A little weird for this thing being my more personal one and having no clue who follows or reads this or whatever. Just thought that a little strange, especially since that sometimes I just write random small stuff. I guess some people must like and follow it.


          I love the smell of a storm, the rain, wet cement, dirt, like to watch lightening, though hate how thunder keeps me up.


          I lost an entry I was working on, got kicked off my net so redoing this one. It's raining outside like I thought it would, the window of my room is open so I can smell the rain, the cool air from the storm, and of course hear the thunder even more loudly. It seems to be a quick storm though so seems to be passing by fast, so hoping I don't have to worry about it keeping me up since I can't sleep that well with storms, they keep me up.


          Weird, high, high jump in views. Nice, hey, I like views, sure, who doesn't? Just a little strange when you made the thing being your personal and private little outlet for writing your thoughts on this one guy who you still keep on contacting. And going through the months you've known each other and the present whenever you chat n' stuff the more detailed version of the chats n' stuff.


          Storm's gone, so am guessing I should head myself in bed while the hair is still wet and I'm still exhausted. I'm taking in a few more breaths of the storm though while the window is still open, and enjoying the coolness of the air. Plus watching the lightening out of the corner of my eye as it moves on past my house and the thunder is gone.


          People visit and view, maybe read... hmmm, weird. But ain't bad... anywho, night to all.
 

          He made me scared of him...


          I hope, one day, he realizes what he did.


          I don't hate, nor am mad at him, really...


          Just fear him, I guess.


          It'll go away... time does not heal all, but at least it will help. I'm not expecting to be healed completely. Or even for him to realize what he did to me... why I changed from this sweet girl he knew, to this ticked off, pissed off, angry gal that swore and accussed and all that... no one has hurt me so much. Never felt this pain...


          An eye for an eye doesn't make a situtation or anything better... but at least I found the strength to finally say what had been hurting me for so long and the anger and pain that was there... the thoughts, all of it. I have many positives through this... but pain, lots of pain, hurt, confusion...


          I am stronger through it all. Won't kill me, nah, but has taught me a lot, maybe will teach me more... I'm so lucky to have friends on this site to talk to. If I didn't... I probably would be taking this much harder. Thank you to my friends, I think you gave me strength when I needed some more and helped my confusion when I was lost in it... and thanks always for Matt. For keeping my heart open and for giving me something I really needed, especially someone besides my Mother in real life to know about Chris... if I cry tomorrow with Matt, at least he'll know what caused my tears.


          I hope to not cry though. Just smile a whole lot. Because if there is one thing Matt is good at doing, he's good at making me smile. And laugh too with his smartass teasing. I'm truly looking forward to seeing him, my good friend, Matty.


          Matty... err... boy...


          Or Matthew.


          And if I'm not feeling silly, good ol' Matt.