Done. Tired of it. Confused. Angry.

Here's the deal. I'm finally dating a girl that I really care about. But she is a puzzle.

See... she wants to be treated like shit, and I won't do it. I refuse to sit on my ass like a lazy blob while she scrambles to get stuff done. I refuse to ignore her. I refuse to fuel her negative self-image.

And I get reamed out for it. For one of the only positive aspects that I have in my life--for being NICE.

Bullshit. Never in my life have I encountered this problem.

See... usually, when you take out the garbage, open the door for a date, buy flowers, do the dishes, etc. it is greeted with a positive response.

Her--- nope. What...The...Fuck?

Instead I get a diatribe about why I should NOT do these things... an illogical sequence with no supportive evidence, and hence no answers.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for doing things that I would just normally do.

I have enough things going on (job hunting, taking care of my Dad after my Mom's death, friends dying left and right, a lesbian ex-wife that's running amuck, and... as of this entry, tons of self-fucking-pity). I don't need to feel bad for something that I KNOW is a good thing.
 

Its been a really long, bad year--peppered with a few good things. I honestly don't know where to start...

Lessee...

I think I've covered my job and such. But just in case...

I essentially had a probationary period at a certain airline. At the end of that period, they did not offer me the salary that had been discussed, so I quit. They wanted me to stay on--but not even a "newly-single horribly depressed guy with a great house (thanks to friends) that wasn't costing him much" could live on the bullshit slave wage they offered.

So I left.

As my Mom had recently passed and my Dad had recently had a stroke, I moved back home.

I felt like I was 17 again. Not the good "I can do anything and live forever" 17; the "I'm back under the yoke of my Dad and society in general" kind of thing.

It sucked--and still does. My Dad needs help. I love him and will stay here as long as needed. But my life is on hold. He falls a lot. He has 8 million medical appointments each week--and many times needs me to drive him to them.

He's a great guy. He's my Dad. I can't do anything except help.

But I'm stuck.

Most of my time is spent researching many of my late Mom's antiques so that we can sell them for fair-market value to get my Dad a new (and smaller) house with some sort of health assistance.

Between doing errands for him, the antique research, and trying to keep sane, I've found it near impossible to work. There simply aren't enough hours in the day.

Hence the reason I've not written in this blog for so long. Nor have I written much of anything.

I'm not happy. Yeah, that's selfish, and yeah I'm Mr. Self-pity. Fuck you. LOL.

Now... somehow in the middle of this--after the happy pills to get me moving (not on them anymore--didn't want them to begin with... but they did help)--after the horribly grim 6 month period of pretty much sleeping 20 hours a day... I got a girlfriend.

I went on a bunch of online dating sites (yeah... its the same chimpy121 login... that's me) and decided to do something outside of my comfort zone: date.

Many of the dates were nice. Pleasant fun. But they didn't hit the right buttons. A few went... better... in terms of chemistry. No one-nighters or anything; I don't work that way. Just fun stuff; I'm still friends with almost all of the women I went out with. There are some incredible people out there who are lonely. Its amazing that they've not been scooped up. Blows my mind.

Then I met a woman via one of these sites... and we took a shine to each other. In the long-run, it didn't work. We're very good friends though. That aspect worked very well, and I'm happy to have met her. It was just that there was something missing...

Then my niece says: "Hey, there's this teacher at my school you should meet."

I avoided this for as long as possible, but she was quite persistent. So, thanks to my niece, I got her phone number and called.

My first thought, upon seeing her sitting at the bar waiting for me, was: "Holy shit. She's too pretty. This will be a very short date."

But it wasn't. We ate, hung out, and talked for almost five hours. I found her to be insanely intelligent, funny, uncomfortable, charming, sweet, and ridiculously pretty.

There was no way I'd get a second date with her.

But I did. And we had a great time. And we still are.

But, she has her own way of handling things that is totally opposite of my viewpoint. And the fact that I'm horribly damaged goods doesn't help.

I'm my own worst enemy, and I strongly believe that I'm unconsciously destroying the only good thing that's happened to me in a year. I just can't seem to find trust in anyone. ANYONE. I'm trying to teach myself that all people aren't lying pieces of shit--but something keeps getting in the way.

Here's the point where I'll say: Please feel free to email me any thoughts on stuff like this. I need help.

LOL. Understatement of the century.
 

I got a ticket for walking yesterday. No shit. For. Walking.

Technically it was a trespassing warrant for crossing the railroad tracks in downtown Melbourne. According to the officer, the only places to cross are in the middle of the road. You know... where the traffic is.

Um... What?

I looked at him and said, "You know I'm never ever going to pay this, right? If you need to take me to a cell, do it."

He caved, said he'd fight it as well, and wrote me a warning.

But let's think about this. Why does someone like this exist? Just to stir shit. To make regular people suffer just that little tad bit more.

Yes, I'm furious. LOL. That is exactly why humanity hasn't progressed farther. Because of red-tape-bullshit like "Here's a ticket for NOT walking in traffic."

Grrrrr.... LOL.
 

Wow. I've not even looked to see when the last time I made an entry was...

Things have changed. I find myself almost happy. Almost.

Still too many distractions and barriers. I'll get into details soon.

Just wanted to post something...


 

First off, Happy Easter everybody! I hope you're all enjoying big meals with your families and watching little kids scamper about the yard looking for eggs.

Well, the divorce is looming. The papers should arrive anytime now. We're amicable about it. We don't hate each other. Things just didn't work out. And though I'm the one being uprooted, I'm not that mad about that anymore either. A change could do me good.

I decided to see what else the world offers, so I threw myself into the chaos of online dating. Its interesting, to say the least. I've met a few nice girls--one in particular (who's probably gonna read this...lol).

We've been out a couple of times, but I'm pretty sure I freak her out a bit. I'm... well, hell. I'm me. I can be a bit much to handle, I suspect. I don't keep any aspect of my life a secret, really. Ask and you get answers. I think that between my honesty and the bizarre nature of the current scenario (wife leaving me for another woman, packing, moving, generally running amuck) that I may have frightened her off a bit. I hope not. She's quite nice and quite pretty.

Plus anyone who can out-bad-joke me has something going for them!

Anyways, I've a job interview tomorrow for a fulltime position at a specialty school. Hopefully it will go well, because although I make pretty good money catering and selling the occasional writing or art piece, I need something a bit more predictable for a while. Wish me luck.

Now.... to make an Easter Meatloaf or to order a pizza....

The fact that that is the most pressing question on my mind right now feels pretty good...




 

Just to make something clear:

My wife cheated on me. Not the other way around.

In looking at some of my past entries, I realized that this maybe hadn't come across because of how much bile I was spewing onto the page.

I'm still mad, but at least I've accepted it.

And, frighteningly, I LIKE the person she's with.

I'm mad because my soon-to-be-ex-wife has gotten everything she wants.

And I get nothing.

I'm fucked.
 

I'm not going to go into great detail here, but I will say that I learned something on the wedding cruise:

There is a possiblility of life after divorce.

I met some beautiful women on the cruise. One woman stands WAY out. We had fun together (nothing naughty).

And I discovered that, at the age of 41, I actually enjoy dancing. I just suck at it.

But I'm gonna get better...
 

The wedding was awesome. The groom broke into tears--leading the bride to break into tears. The reception was great--as was my speech, which hit just the right amount of humor and love. It was a great experience, and I wish the bride and groom nothing but happiness.
 

Well, given that my marriage is falling apart and divorce is eminent, God has decided that its time for me to give the Bride and Groom speech at a friend's wedding.

Actually, that's not quite accurate. The wedding was planned a loooooong time before my situation. Its on a cruise (which I'm looking forward to)--and I'm going alone. Who knows. Maybe something good will come out of that. Plus the bride and groom are really great people, so that'll be fun.

But I'm already having a hard time writing nice words about marriage due to the poisonous situation that I'm in. I'll get it figured out. I'm not going to fake it. It will be heartfelt and honest. I just need to remember all of the good things, and that's gonna hurt.
 

Well, things sure have taken an unexpected turn. I still won't publicly get into the details, but I'm definitely to be single soon.

Most of me is heartbroken and angry. A tiny part of me is relieved. At least this is a path to a new start--though I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it yet.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife and I are still talking. We'll always be friends (at least I see it that way at this point), but I'm the one having to move out at this point. We're both trying not to get lawyers involved. This whole incident was not malicious. It was just horribly handled on her part--and I'm the one paying for it emotionally--though she says she's hurting as much as I.

I doubt that.

Numerous orgasms with another person usually distracts you from a certain amount of emotional pain--at least for a little while. She's the one having the orgasms.