Lesbos in MooLand - Writing.Com

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[Introduction]

LESBOS IN MOOLAND

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"dedicated to MOO for President

Far, far away in cyberspace, in the land of the lollipops, lived Mooman. Now, he was kind and gentle, but very lonely. He dreamt day and night of the return of the Lesbos who once spoiled him. What could he do to persuade them to come back, he thought and he thought...

"Ah, huh! I know!" Moo said

I'll have good friends of mine sponsor a Writing.Com Convention in the rolling hills of Pennsylvania. They will all attend under the assumption that they will be meeting other writers from their favorite site and I'll be the only man there with the exception of the SM and a few special guests.

The first night of the gathering I'll stay up late and look for...

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women with long hair! As I gather these women to me I will bring them to one of the rooms and ply them with Mudslides. As the evening wears on and drink and exhaustion overwhelms these long-haired beauties I can make my move!" Moo chortled to himself.

He knew this would be all too easy. What he didn't know was that someone was plotting against him. Plotting to take his lesbos, all his lesbos away from him...

Andrea

The proprietors of the site, the very people he had thought his friends, had not monitored the guest list closely enough. For if they had of done, Moo would have realised there was another male senior moderator present: the infamous ZooDuck.

It was not that ZooDuck wanted the lesbos for himself, but that he thought it would be more entertaining to taunt Moo by keeping them from him.

Mia

What Moo didn't know was that Mia was bringing her harem along with her ...

Moo was totally memorized by the way the Mudslide Beauties were falling all over him and drapping their arms around his body, he couldn't have been happier...or could he? His mouth dropped open when Mia and her harem approached, and as his attention was taken away from the Beauties, Zooduck led them away for himself.

ZooDuck, a Senior Moderator, not only for the way he treats others but because he is the only moderator who not only has read the back of a Viagra bottle but has sent to the company his review of the label. He is my mentor and adversary in every way but one... I have a herd of cows and he flies south for the winter months.

With Fall approaching ZD is fast pressed to find a small flock of goslings to follow him to South America... so far none has mentioned their fear of flying or their lack of a valid passport.

Meanwhile, back at the room of the Mudslide Beauties, the Milkman has his attention towards another Senior Mod, who just happens to have long hair and drives.

"Hello, Beautiful" he says to this young lady.

She smiles but says nothing because the Milkman isn't a Jude Law nor does he play one on Writing.Com. Mia walks in and...

yells, "DIANE! What are you doing here? I thought you were going to go change your bra so those icebergs will disappear. The harem is here and I don't want Moos attention to go to you!"

Diane places her hands on her hips and gives Mia the stare. Mia laughs and says "Who do you think you're gonna scare with that look? Certainly not me...step aside BITCH!

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Diane, unfazed by Mia's yelling pointed her icebergs in Mia's direction, momentarily blinding the unwary Moderator. Diane, understanding that all the Lesbos were in danger with the lecherous Moo around, quickly led them away, as Moo tended to the fallen Mia.

The Lesbos joyfully followed Diane, glad to be free of the evil Mia and the lecherous Moo.

Andrea

"I can't do it on the floor, I can only do it on a bed," Mia panted, momentarily grabbing the few remaining stragglers' attention, who then started running away even faster. "I'm talking about my Milkman impression that is," Mia clarified, trying desperately to win back their affections. It was too late however. She was alone with Moo, with no harem in sight.

"Okay, if I were those Lesbos where would I have run to?" Mia mused.

"If?"

"Yes, 'If'! Lesbos is plural and I'm single...I mean singular!"

"I don't know about that. Sometimes you say enough for ten people."

"Oh that does it!" Mia, in her anger struck Moo on the back of the head with a red Teddy...bear, and he went down like a sack of milk bottles. Mia went off to regain her harem.

Mia

"I can't believe this!!!! How could my harem go off with Diane?! How could she steal them from me?"

I knew I had to get my harem back ... but how? One thing I was sure of was that I had to kill Diane.

"No one steals my harem from me. No one."

Diane

"Thanks for letting me know, Moo. I hope your head feels better soon... Yes, teddies can pack quite a wallop, I guess."

Well girls, Moo said Mia's on a rampage. She's out looking for you guys and apparently plans on killing me. You think she'd give it up after the chocolate fiasco, but she never learns. Diane sat down to figure out a way to defrost her icebergs and defeat the evil Mia.

Meanwhile, the Lesbos and the harem were having a grand time. Pillows were being tossed across the room while the girls bounced on trampolines...

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. If Mia only knew how I love being smacked around by a red teddy...bear," Moo says with a wide grin.

In no time, Moo joins the Lesbos on the trampoline, sneaking a touch here and there, and being smacked in the face from all sides, by BOOPS! Thank goodness Diane didn't join them, or he would be one bruised Moo.

Just as the fun was getting started, Mia walks through the door with.....

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Why didn't you morons tell me it abbreviated to that? Someone's gonna...

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And now back to our program.

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Mia burst through the door sporting a tranqulizer gun complete with rhino tranqs.

Taking in the scene before her Mia seethed with fury. She took aim and shot Moo right in the full moon. Moo slowly toppled though the air and bounced safely to sleep on the trampoline. Mia, cetrain her harem was now safe, glowed in triumph. Suddenly the door burst open once again and Mia's archnemesis appeared...

Andrea

It was Diane, back for her revenge. All focus switched to the two moderators, poised for a battle to the death. Mia had a tranquiliser gun, Diane a... water cannon.

The sheer force of the water sent Mia hurtling over backwards, sending the gun flying with a stray dart puncturing a passing Duck. Needless to say Love was not very impressed and promptly thwacked Diane with her handbag. There might have been half a dozen corpses littering the room if it hadn't been for a small voice piping up from the corner.

"Hang on a minute, where has Moo gone?"

The speaker was right. The Milkman had vanished.

For a brief moment...nothing happened.

Then in a flash...nothing continued to happen.

But right after that...nothing happened once again.

Once all participants in the chaotic battle had evaluated the situation...nothing happened.

After the continued instances of nothing happening...nothing happened.

Then, at last, when everyone was certain that all the nothing that had been happening was used up, everyone was shocked when...nothing happened.

As nothing happened repeatedly, over and over, again and again to the point of redundancy...somone farted.

[The preceeding was a paid political advertisment on behalf of the fart joke appreciation society of North Ulan Bator. To make a contribution please send check or money order to 555 station A, PO RIP OFF.]

Andrea

"Do you ever get the feeling that there's a greater power out there, controlling our every move?" asked Go Cart Cherub, in a surprisingly philosophical mood.

Diane though about this for a second, then briefly blasted Go Cart Cherub with the water cannon. "Pull yourself together girl."

"No, it fits," agreed a courageous Legerdemain. "The adverts that pop up every so often are just a small part of it...."

"It's not the Dark Man, is it?" asked Mia, surprisingly enthusiastic. "Or perhaps the feral chickens?"

"I was thinking more of the Story Master."

"Why are you thinking about married men for?" asked The Milkman.

No one knew where he came from or how much of the conversation that he heard but the team of lesbos quickly gathered around him and...

We interupt this story to bring you the following important announcment!

There are no important announcements, please return to the story already in progress.

We now return you to the story already in progress!

...asked him how much of the conversation he had heard.

"Not all of it, but more than enough to be interesting," replied the ever enigmatic Milkman.

"So..." said Dianne, playing with her hair, "...what do we do about this eavesdropper?"

"Well..." said Mia, also playing with Dianne's hair, "I guess we'll have to pick the eaves back up for starters."

"And..." said Go Cart Cherub, who told Dianne's hair that it was time to stop playing and come in for dinner, "...maybe change the shingles."

"But..." said Legerdemain, busily feeding Dianne's hair a nice ham with baked potato and cooked carrots, "...we also need to deal with the fact that the Milkman was listening in on our conversation."

All four looked at the Milkman. The Milkman looked back. Dianne's hair finished it's desser of a large fudge brownie, then wiped its face and hopped into bed and said goodnight to everone.

And that's when...

Andrea

Dianne realised that one of Catwoman's feline friends had been perched on top of her head, masquerading as a high class hair piece.

It then dawned on her that this was not her only problem. She had also grown another n.

"Hey, wasn't I just Diane at the start of this story?"

Milkma shrugged his shoulders, blissfully unaware of where the n had come from.