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| >> Campfire Creative >> Appendix >> Comedy >> ID #1388924 |   |
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[Introduction]
  Diva has gone off the deep end. A dating service is exactly what WDC needs. Want to interact with the man/woman of your dreams. Give me that profile that tells the real you and who you'd like to meet. Business is open and the ribbon cutting is taking place. * Campfire will be extinguished on February 22 at 11:59 pm in order to end the story with the introduction party* |
 SouthernDiva  Diva searches through the outrageous profiles as she prepares for opening day. Decorations abound in the newly renovated old house. The parlor is now the reception area, complete with a wooden desk refinished to perfection. Flyers have been distributed, phone system tested, permits gathered and excitement calmed for the moment. The local TV station waits outside to do the Grand Opening ceremony and Diva dons the biggest red bow to adorn her hair. Let the mayhem begin................ Acme Mort "Happy" Grave-penn here, Diva. I'd love to think you could help me, but I doubt anyone could *sigh*.I need the lovin' of a seriously depressed woman with a penchant for sonnets - about death 'n' early 80s European electronica music *deep sigh* No-one gets me, so I've written up Dirge to sell myself a little: Oh, woe is me, I need your love I cannot sleep, or eat, and stuff Will you hold this tender heart? Or gag on it just like a fart? Oh, woe is me, I need mate who loves Kraftwerk and stays up late I may not be handsome or pretty but my muse is true - check out this ditty! Thanks, Diva - Oh, and NO mingers. Hot chicks only, please  ShellySunshine Hello Diva,I wonder if you can help me? I know times being what they are and all. I am really strugglin with finding me a gentleman to hold onto. You see I need a strong man. One who likes his woman a little on the lose side of reality. Sanity and I well, we don't really get along, and I am getting tired of always trying to explain all the meds I am on....and why I really need em. ...do you think you could find me a man who likes a crazy lady? Thanks and oh I am 5'3 and hot, hot...hot! Thanks, Love, Sunny destinydances ~ mail 200% full Lola "E-Z" Ames-Topleez here. Thank you for this opportunity, Diva. I see you definitely have your fingers on the pulse of necessity here. I write and I write, but what I really need is a man. I don't have a bio; I am a chameleon. I couldn't help but notice Mort's information. Please pass this along to him and ask him to call me:Oh woe is me, with so much love to give. I'm seeking for to find me a fellow. I am but mortal with one life to live. My favorite band is a group called Yello. http://youtube.com/watch?v=mGopZjakUeA Until I die I'll listen to their tunes, The pounding strains of "Oh Yeah" and "Desire". Sometimes I think 'twas they that hung the moon! I need a man who'll join me in this fire! No matter what the course, be sure 'tis true. I will be faithful 'til the day I die. As surely as I stand before you blue, I'll adore him 'til my last goodbye. Now my Kraftwerk project sits untended, Hoping that my heart can become mended. So, Diva... any other men?? This is soooo exciting!   Acme The phone rang in Diva's busy-busy WDC empire..."Mort here, Diva. Hot-diggity-dang! You just gotta hook me up with Lola "E-Z" Ames-Topleez; I nearly smiled when I read her poem. I think "The Race" is one of the most over-looked classics of our time. Is she hot? She sounds like my soul-mate you magical maker of love-come-true. BTW, I'm sending my WDC buddy, Packson Jollock, over - he's a little all over the place but, as and artist and former circus act Strong-Man, he has a sunny disposition and a love of all things whacky. All-in-all, a tough one to find love for." Mort hung up and Diva fixed her big red bow. Lurking on the sidewalk, beyond the window, was one of the steel-jawed journalists from the Grand Opening. What on earth was he still doing here? Maximillian Getty-Rothschilde's teeth glinted in the sun as he gave up lurking and bravely entered Divas Dating Agency. "Ms Diva." He charmingly deferred. "I may very well need your services." Finding it hard to believe, as his dashing good looks, athletic posture and chiseled features fell into the background of his deep blue eyes, Diva managed to polish her professional veneer and asked Max to fill in his credentials: Career journalist seeks wonder woman. Someone who can put up with a dual identity, emergency call-out hours day and night, and whirl-wind trips around the world. Desirable qualities would include a sound knowledge of Laundry skills - color runs are not an option, nor are ladder runs in tights. No: I'm not a cross-dresser. Sewing skills are also important, as quick changes of clothing have been known to break the bank with clothing costs. Ricky Ms. Diva, I really am a great guy. While so many don't get my sense of humor and find me insulting, I really am not, I just like to laugh. While I do have a dark side when thinking and writing, I have never intentionally harmed another person. Well enough about me, about what I am looking for; in one word, nuts. I hate normal, I hate plain boring people. I like a crazy woman because she will always keep me laughing at what she may do next. And I want a crazy woman that wants to be crazy, not one that wants to be cured. I hate when I find that perfectly crazy chick and she wants to ruin her personality by listening to society and killing what I want by calming herself down with 'scripts'. Besides any smart person will tell you that the crazier they are the better they are in bed, and I don't want to sleep when in bed.... If you find anyone, please feel free to give them my number, 617-861-3962. They can call day or night, like I said earlier I don't like sleeping  SouthernDiva Great turnips in Texas, what a turnout we have. With this crowd, the Grand Opening party tonight will be a blast. Diva turns to tidy up the last of the massive living area in her refurbished old house. Yes, tonight will be a night of dreams. All that's left is contacting the caterers to make sure they have directions, pick up three more coolers, get the champagne fountain and the centerpiece for the table. The red couch and love seat were perfect for this occasion. Scattered around the room are portable bars with stools, several seating areas for quiet conversation. The game tables are assembled, the hot tub is perfect and the DJ has all his equipment in place. Ahhhh, now to retrieve my dress from the cleaners. ShellySunshine Showing up early for a party is never a good idea. I was so excited to meet the Diva in person and see if she had any luck in finding me a man...that I totally forgot my manners.I arrived before the other guest had shown up.I walked into the large old house, instantly charmed by the antiques and decorations. I have a feeling this will be my lucky night...now all I have to do is mix myself a drink and calm down and be my Sunny self. Oh look.....bubbles......... Kaya Dear, dear Diva,Having been married more times than Liz Taylor I was a bit hesitant about putting out a profile. In point of fact: Do I really need a man? I have weighed the pros and cons of the situation and have come up with a solution that works for all parties involved.  I need a man who is quiet. One who will listen to me talk for hours at a time and never interject with inane bits of information, extolling the virtues of The Rock and his contribution in wrestling. Or how his best friend can fart his name while drinking a beer. No, I was silence.I need a man who stays put. I don't want to be wondering what or who he is doing at any given time of the day. I want the comfort that comes with knowing that my man is where I put him. Period.I need a man who will not stray. I want him to be faithful and available only to me. I don't want a man who sows his seeds like a farmer during spring. I don't want phone calls from his girlfriends in the middle of the night. I don't want to confront him and have him tell me that I am crazy and paranoid. I don't want to find out months after that fact that he has been sleeping with my sister and that they are going to run away and have a love child together.In short? I need a man in a coma. He will listen to me for hours on end. He will be quiet and not tire my brain with his useless drivel. He will not stray, how can he? And if I ever find out that he has? I will have the dubious honor or pulling the damn plug and not having to deal with another divorce. So Diva? Do you have anyone who fits that bill? Let me know! Awaiting a response, Kaya Juli- Tempted Dear Diva,I have been contemplating this dating service idea for a while. After thinking it over, I've decided to go for it, though I really doubt you'll be able to help me. Following is a bit about me. 1. My friends call me Juli, my enemies call me "That Bitch Stole Ma Man!" 2. I have never actually stolen anyone's man. They come willingly, or at least they used to. 3. I've been out of the loop for a while, but I still demand chivalry. Opening doors and pulling out chairs, and standing when the lady exits the table are a must. It's only right. 4. If the man can't slow dance, he needs to learn, and quick. 5. If he hates to cuddle, he may as well forget it. 6. Not that I don't know I'm cute, but I still need it to be mentioned, and frequently. 7. I'm not rich. 8. Ambition is a major turn on. 9. I don't like cheesy pick up lines, unless I'm the one using them. 10. If he doesn't like my friends, he'd better learn to deal with it, or he needn't bother with me. If by some chance you might be able to find someone to fit me, thank you. If not, it wouldn't surprise me. It's not that I'm hard to get along with, I'm just overly affectionate, clingy, demanding of attention, and I want all of that at more handed to me at a moment's notice. Greatfully yours, Juli destinydances ~ mail 200% full The harried (but nonetheless enthusiastically conscientious) Diva takes time yet again to check her e-mail.Hey Diva! Thanks for hooking me up with Mort! I assured him I was as hot as he imagined I could be and he indeed thinks I'm his soulmate! Thank you also for the "heads up" on the other gentlemen. Of course, I can't be there... but if you would relay messages of my interest in each of them (individually of course) I would much appreciate it. If they don't hook up with another, or even if they do, please give them a note telling them the following: To Packson: "Lola would have been here today, but she her abstract expressionist nature leads her to bouts of emotional intensity and self denial... and she no longer goes out at night. She really needs a strong man. She sometimes sits home and plays for hours on http://www.jacksonpollock.org/ " To Maximillian: "Lola would have enjoyed meeting you, but unfortunately she is making an unexpected trip to China tomorrow and needs to finish sewing her multi-colored quilt which she will launder with "all temperature Cheer." You would have liked her... it's like she dwells on an "invisible plane" with a magical lariat of "sexy as you want her to be" and an emergency bottle of clear nail polish in case her hosiery runs." To Ricky: Please just show him this email and let him draw his own conclusions. Tell him he can call anytime... since I don't take meds and never will, I'm up all night. Lotsaa Luvvv, Lola Ѽeb~Ѽitch Dear Diva,This is Lucy Gusey, here, trying to find the right men. Well, what can I say? One is just not enough. I get bored easily, you know. I want a hunk who has lots of junk (if you know what I mean,-)) to crawl into my bunk, baby. I do like muscular men, and men who like to travel. I am a little bit kooky--but I do like the "nooky". Actually, I’m a whole lot of kooky, but I can cook, too! So, my guy has to like a slightly off the wall gal. I noticed that Ricky is very close to my area code--that could be interesting! That does not mean I don’t want to meet Packson Jollock! I do love the circus type, muscular men. He likes his women whacky, so I would fit that bill. I could call him “PJ” because it is short for pajamas and reminds me of bedtime. Do you think that you could hook me up with both of these fine gentlemen? I mean at the same time, of course. I get bored easily, did I mention that? I just can’t wait to wrap my voluptuous body around those men. My affections are vast enough for both of them, so neither will be left out in the cold--if you know what I mean, dear. Anxiously awaiting your reply on this matter. Lucy Dave Gordon Dear Mademoiselle Diva,I am a well-aged, stuffed, and ready for the stewpot. I know can make some deserving woman who is not too discriminating very happy. I have many fine qualities that I want to present here for consideration. I am a fine conversationalist. I often offer remarks and comments pertaining directly to the subject at hand. The other comments would often be very good for some other conversation, so it's kind of a "two-fer". I can listen and hear what a woman is saying. If I concentrate, I can also hear what the women who live outside my head are saying. I am willing to help around the house. I am well practiced in the use of the emergency phone network. There will be no accidental poisonings or explosions as I have thoroughly tested all combinations of common household materials. I don’t mind doing a little housework (if they don’t mind doing it over). There is a woman who needs my company. I, and the other members of my Klingon Debate Club, would love to meet her. I have very few requirements. There are certain items that I am no longer permitted to be near, and there are a few locations around town that I can’t be within 1,000 feet of. I look forward to meeting a woman who has a sense of adventure and knowledge of first aid. ps – I am not sending a photo because I don’t think that’s me in the mirror. A Writer:Survivor Dear Diva,The person I am looking for is a man who is honest, talkative, caring, altruistic, empathetic towards others, a non-smoker, and loves nature. I have been couped up in my apartment all winter and I want to escape to a tropical place to shake off the winter blues. I have been married twice. I am a dog lover and love to write. Poetry, short stories, and a book are my current projects. I do not have children, but would welcome them with open arms. I have a loving heart and a free spirit. I hope that you can match me with a prospective mate. Thanks for your time, Rondashell Mirodatz Sweets Dearest Diva...You might be my last resort. Surely such a classy service will have the profile of a few good men. If you can't help me, I doubt anyone can. I'm not looking for too much. I already have a career and my own money. I don't need a man, but I sure do want one. He must be of strong character and accept the fact I wear the pants in the relationship. He should be able to read my mind and anticipate my every desire. He should be trainable and not too clingy. Some brains would make conversation easier but he doesn't need to speak in complete sentences. I'll be happy to tell him his opinions. To be blunt, I'm looking for a boy toy. Do you think such a fellow exists? I guess if he does, you're the person to find him. Thanks for you help in saving me from myself, Ms. I.M. Hornee ~EL~ Merry Christmas! Dear Ms. Diva,Hi. I've never done this before, I usually like to sit back and let men come to me. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, so I'll just tell you a bit about myself. I'm an English Professor of P Middle School in Grease Spot, North Michigan. I live in a cottage overlooking the valley, just on the peak of Hoodspa Mountains. I spend my time studying the wildlife and cataloging it, as well as my daily reading and writing. I have no temper, follow the rules strictly, and don't believe in sex before marriage. The children around here are so loose. Often, I have to call parents or relatives to come get them when I catch them holding hands. You know, I believe the people of the day dress too immodestly. No part of your skin should show except your face. Everyone should wear plain gloves. Clothing shouldn't be too bright either. It detracts from your inner beauty. I don't have a tv or radio as they are too noisy, and I do not like electronics of any kind in my home. If you have any further questions, I can be reached at my school office at 555-554-2600. Or you can write me at P.O. Box 55, Grease Spot, North Michigan 55555. Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you again soon. Sincerely, Ima Drabb Erik Stark Dear Ms. Diva, I heard about your fine service here so I... Sorry, I have writer's block. Where was I? Okay, yeah, well I am very out of practice as far as the dating scene is concerned. I just know your service will help me out. My name is... well, my name isn't important yet. Is it? I'm looking for a bad girl who is also willing to be my mother. She has to not mind living at my parents house and she must love KISS, Star Wars, fan fiction, and my involvement in all these things. I need a bad girl to take care of all those things mom does. We're filthy rich; at least mom and dad are. I need a good bad girl to take care of me because my parents say they won't any longer. I love to have a good time, like when I follow KISS around with the rest of my roadie-groupie buddies. I like almost any food this good bad girl might be able to cook, as long as she can cook. I'm pretty easy to please, just take care of all my needs while I do whatever I want. I've tried other services, they won't even give me any free membership time after my first six months like a lot of them advertise. Can you imagine? I mean really, I thought they were in business to get my business? Oh, just call me Romeo for now. Thanks, Diva! Of Fire Born ~ welcome, 2012! *The renown WDCville Latrinogram Tattler Gazette Advice Columnist, Blabbigail Van Buren, sweeps into Diva's vaulted-ceiling Great Room with a dramatic flourish, her adoring entourage in tow, breathtakingly attired in a floor-length, plunging-back-and-necklined, seductively-slit-to-her-phenomenally-curvaceous-right-thigh, Persian Midnight blue, tastefully sequined, boa-bedecked, $3,978.76 Pierre Minivan evening gown and matching 4-inch stilleto heels. Adjusting the diamond-encrusted tiara perched atop her glitily glamorous upswept coifure and the3-carat diamond, teardrop chandelier earings gracing her delicate and diminutive alabaster ears and swan-like neck, Blabbigail glides across the Great Room, widely side-stepping Diva's ginourmous, cherry red Mardi Gras loveseat to a plushly overstuffed Loui VIII fainting couch, seating herself in the warm glow of a roaring fire beside Diva's gleaming Baby Grant piano, graciously greeting the throngs gathered 'round to voice their undying adulation and clamor for autographs* Yeowsah, Diva! Do you know how to throw an old fashioned, Southern-fried, Slam-Bam, , Thank You, Stan Black Tie Gang-Bang, or what??? I mean, this spread of eats, decorations, and assorted sex toys are to die for! You've really outdone yourself, dearie! ! Yannow, last News Years Eve night, when that WDCville police dick forced entry into your... secluded vacation getaway spot... (AKA: Diva's Stay Free Mini Pad) and reported that you and your collection of rainbow-hued, candy-flavored diaphrams, yer Victoria's Snakespit fire-engine red, peekaboo negligee with matching split-crotched-for-easy-access black lace panties and red satin overnight bag were all missing, ah suspected 2008 would be welcoming a new Diva Tot into the fold... 'specially after I read the graffiti on the Stall #3 door in the WDC Ladies' Room reporting you'd last been seen wearing your thong panties like a headscarf, slow dancing with a well endowed Great Dane at the Bubba & Billy Bob's Gentlmen's Club... with a Paris Hilton Bring-Your-Own-Birth-Control Hotel room key danglin' from yer garter belt. Sure enough, you sped yer adorable little gluteal cleft back into WDCville in that shiney new Diva-mobile roadster with a big, goofy grin on yer puss and that adorable little Pomeranian strapped in his car seat, sucking' on yer... ' pacifier '! ...How is Little Lord Diva's Toy, anyway? Still peein' on the floor when ya tickle his milkbone? IdaLin A black-and-white pulls up in front of Diva's house, lights ablaze. Officer Geraldine Dippitydo rolls her eyes as she gets out of the car and grabs her hat and notebook. A call had come in to the station that there was a huge rowdy party at Diva's house... Again. And Officer Dippitydo was the one who drew the short straw this time. She rubbed her hand through her short hair and clapped her hat on as she took a deep breath and exhaled theatrically. She thought, What's she up to now? and made her way up to the door.Reading the sign Diva had posted she almost giggled, but turned it into a cough as one of the guests was exiting, He had a pocket protector, and was wearing a cape, of all things. Officer Dippitydo knocked loudly on the door, thinking, No way I am going in there tonight, they don't pay me enough. Maybe I can say it was a false alarm, it's really not that rowdy. Hm, wonder if she's found any cute guys interested in cops? SouthernDiva Diva flitted around the room in her red sequined gown as she surveyed the awesome turnout. The champagne fountain glistened in the lighting. She was a little worried about Blabbigail Van Buren as she is known for her unique way of telling or exhilarating the truth.  Each of her guests seemed to be having a grand time. Lola “E-Z”, being the life of the party, was belting out 80’s tunes to the sound of the band and charming the pants of all the male and female guests. Sensually holding the microphone, she crooned all the old love songs.In one remote corner of the massive dining hall, cascades of streamers lined the room. Julie seemed to be trying to convince Dave Gordon that he did not need to try the super charger self-propelled water soaker in the confines of such a small area. Romeo was charming Sunny and Kaya. Sunny was all smiles, as usual and Kaya seemed bored as Romeo was far from "in a coma". "Happy" Mort had been slapped several times for grabbing the tail sections of some of the guests. Lucy was sandwiched between Packson and Maxilliam and Rondashell was boring the front parlor with tales of her past and hopes of her future. There was a game of charades going on in the den. Ricky had donned his poker hat and had a table that resembled those in Vegas. He was counting cards and feeling pretty lucky. Ms. Hornee and Ima were engaged in conversation with Ricky as they tried to distract him from his game. He could stay up all night, you know. You always know your opening night is a monumental success when the next knock on the door is none other than Officer Geraldine. Diva searches through her notebook to find that profile of the officer looking for love, as Officer Geraldine bids her good evening. Her only hope is that Blabbigail Van Buren tells the story as it should be. It was a grand evening and love was found by many. Diva's business was off to a booming start. On second thought, maybe the idea to invite Blabbigail was a grand business decision. Diva was already planning her next week of business and her next "Night of Love" The End! © Copyright 2008 SouthernDiva, Acme, ShellySunshine, destinydances ~ mail 200% full, Ricky, Kaya, Juli- Tempted, Ѽeb~Ѽitch, Dave Gordon, A Writer:Survivor, Sweets, ~EL~ Merry Christmas!, Erik Stark, Of Fire Born ~ welcome, 2012!, IdaLin, (known as GROUP). All rights reserved. GROUP has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
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