%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| >> Campfire Creative >> Novella >> Animal >> ID #1684214 |   |
| |||||||||||||
| [Introduction]
WRITERS  BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3  Twiga Steve Ellen  CHARACTERS HUFFER .... the big bad wolf BRAINS .... the smart little pig, skinny, wears glasses PORKCHOP ... the strong little pig, chunky, wears a tanktop OINKY ... the youngest little pig, tiny, always asking questions KATE ...... an anthro cat girl, mostly girl SIR RODERICK ... Kate's Prince CharmingSTORY The three little pigs can never agree on how to build a house so they always end up each building his own house and always out of different materials (straw, wood, tofu, cabbage, coal, mud, celery, etc, etc...) and then HUFFER, the big bad wolf, has to figure out how to destroy them. Because of a magic curse put on HUFFER, he can never use the same method twice. He can blow a house down once, but never use the blow down method again after that. Will one of the pigs finally discover the ultimate building material that can put a stop to HUFFER's insanely aggressive house-destroying obsession? Read on and find out... |
 Steve Ellen  "Put that stone over there," Brains said. Porkchop wiped the sweat off his face. "Brains, are you just going to stand there and tell us where to put them? Can't you drag some stones? This is hard work." Brains shrugged. "I'm the one who plans where the stones go. You and Oinky have the job of placing them." "Well I quit!" Porkchop said. "I'll build my own house and it won't be out of heavy stones." Brains looked at Oinky. "I guess that means you have to lift the stones." "Gee whiz, Brains! I can't lift these stones. I'm too little! Porkchop is right! All you want to do is give orders. I'm going to build my own house!" "Hey wait!" Brains yelled, but Porkchop and Oinky just gave him the finger and kept walking. Brains crumpled up his sheet of plans. "Awwww, crap! Now I'll have to build a smaller house. But it's going to be stone." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile in his cave, Huffer was making up plans as to how to destroy the pigs' homes."Darn curse," he said. "I have to plan things out so that I can destroy those houses. Too bad I can't use the same trick twice. However I do have plenty of tricks. Let's see what I have: Super breath? Check. Dinymite? Check. Ax? Check. Construction/Destruction vehicals of many types? Check. Different types of explosives? Check.Various Military vehicals? Check. I'm sure that I can handle anything that comes my way." Twiga "Why do you want to distroy the Pig's House?"Huffer groaned, it was the Talking Tikki Mug that his Grandma gave to him as a Presant for his 18th Summer "Because those three little pigs ruined my life in High School." "Explain." The Tikki Mug said "Those three little pigs were part of an absurdly powerful student council." Huffer said "They were like the biggest jerks in all of Animal Town." Steve Ellen "Even little Oinky?" the Tikki Mug said. "Especially Oinky!" Huffer growled. "That little runt liked to point at me and dance around singing: Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf, the Big Bad Wolf, the Big Bad Wolf? Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? Certainly not I! "Aw, that sounds like innocent fun," Tikki Mug said. "No! It was not innocent fun! It was traumatic! I have psychological wounds from those days! My self-esteem was damaged!" "You need to tell me more about what they did than just singing a song." "Sure! I have lots more to tell!" * * * Meanwhile, Porkchop was building a house out of Silly Putty. "This will have definite advantages," Porkchop said. "It will absorb any projectiles like bullets. You can't shoot it down. It's self-sealing. If a stick of dynamite blows a hole in the wall then the Silly Putty will just slowly flow into the hole and reseal it. My only problem will be keeping the whole house from slumping down into a puddle. But I have a cure for that! Robot hands!" Porkchop had bought an old robot named Jobby at a yard sale. It was rusted and squeaky but Porkchop cleaned it up and oiled it. Porkchop gave Jobby a command. "Jobby, your job is to keep pushing the Silly Putty walls back into shape as they try to melt to the floor. Got it?" "But, boss. That's like a fulltime job! I'll never get a break!" "That's why I named you Jobby. Now get to work and don't stop no matter what." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 A few hours later, Huffer was out walking, searching for the pigs' houses. Huffy was carrying some of his tools to destroy the houses."Let's see here," he said. "Bazooca, Panzerfaust, RPG-7, dynemite, karasene, gasoline, deisal, ax, sword, hatchet, knife, telephone numbers to various gangs who owe me favors. I think I'm covered for anything." About ten minutes later, he limbed up a hill and saw this poor robot, who was slaving away to keep a house that was made of silly putty from falling down. "Tell me, my good man," he said. "Who owns this house?" "That would be my master, Porkchop," the robot said. "He must pay you a lot to do all of the work that you do," Huffer said. "After all, I know of no one who could even do this sort of thing even half as good as you are doing." "Saddly, he doesn't," the robot said. "All that I get is cheep oil and the occasional maintnance. Also I have to work all the time without even a single break." "Sorry to hear that," Huffer said. "After all, if someone like you worked for me, I'd be sure to give them high quality oil and weekly check ups to take care of even the smallest of dings and scratches. Also I'd make sure that you had a helper as well, so that you didn't have to do all of the work at any rate, and you could take a break every so often." "Are you serious about that?" the robot asked. "Of course I am," Huffy said. "What would I have to do to get these benifites?" the robot asked. "Help me in destroying the pigs' houses," said Huffer. "It's a hard job, and you'll end up carrying most of the supplies, but you can carry out your own revenge against the pigs. In fact, how about I let you destroy Porkchop's houses?" "Are you serious about the oil and maintance?" the robot asked, as he was very interested in the wolf's offer. "Well here's a little gift for you, whether you wish to work for me or not," Huffer said, getting out a can of high quality oil and putting it next to the robot. "If you want more, you know who to look for." "Sure thing," the robot said, picking the can up, opening it, and drinking it like a can of pop. With that, the wolf smiled and left, knowing that, at the very least, the seeds of the robot's disloyalty towards Porkchop had taken root. It was only a matter of time before the robot would come to work for him. It might take a day, or a week, or longer, but it was amazing what a single act of kindness could do to cause someone to think about their lot in life. Twiga Brains meanwhile was attempting to get the stones into place, but it was hard work and he was not feeling up to itJust than his cell phone rang. He answered it "Yeah this is Brains." He said mopping his brow "Um Hi?" Said a soft femminine voice "This is Daisy I just arrived in Animal Town." Brains knew what this was and quick as he could he manipulated his voice to sound less like a Pig and more like Frog. He had been online dating an Frog named Daisy for several weeks now Steve Ellen "Oh, hi!" Brains croaked. "You should have told me you were coming. I would have met you at the station.""What's wrong with your voice?" Daisy said. "You mean that oink? Haha! Just a summer cold." "Well, I'm on the way to your house," Daisy said. "I'm in a taxi using my cell." "What?! Uh... OK, see you when you get here." Brains flipped shut his phone and looked around desperately. What was he going to do? His house still had no roof and Daisy would see right away that he wasn't a frog. Oh that darn internet! He should have never posted his profile online. Well, at least not a fake profile saying he was a frog. But who would have talked to a pig? * * * Porkchop suddenly sat up in his bed. Why didn't he hear the sound of busy little robot hands slapping the wall up? He climbed out of bed and stumbled over an empty oil can. "What th-?!" He picked up the can. "Hmmm, high quality oil. This stuff is expensive. How could Jobby afford to buy expensive oil with what I pay him... which is nothing." * * * Little Oinky was sleeping in his cardboard box. Those other pigs were so stupid. It was summer! Warm nights! A cardboard box made a fine house! Why work so hard? BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Suddenly Oinky saw the flaps on the box close in on him and he heard the sound of tape ripping. Then he and the box where picked up and being carried around."That must be heavy Jobby," said a familiar voice. "Perhaps you ought to let me carry it part of the way to the train station." "It's not a problem for me Huffer," said an unfamiliar, and machanical sounding, voice. "This is light work compared to what Porkchop was having me do." "Well I'm glad that you came up with the plan and decided to carry it out," said Huffer's voice. "Due to my curse I can only use each plan once, which is why I've made plenty of variations to exploite a loophole that I found in it." "That would be difficult," said Jobby's voice. "So where do you want to send him?" "Korea would be good," came Huffer's voice. "I've got a buddy there who enjoys pigs." "How does he eat them?" Jobby's voice asked, causing Oinky to cringe. "Actually he doesn't eat them," said Huffer, to which Oinky breathed a sigh of relief. "However he does run a fetish club, and plenty of his clients like to use pigs, for one reason or another." At this, Oinky cringed again. ****** Meanwhile Porkchop was standing outside of what was left of his house. "Darn that traiterous robot," he muttered. "Now where am I going to live? Certainilly not with Brains, he's too bossy. Maybe I could move in with Oinky. Then again I could make another house. Oh what to do? What to do?" Twiga Huffer turned on his Video Cell Phone (Huffer had more Futuristic Technolgy) And Called his Friend at the Club"Yeah this is me." Said a Young Sea Serpent named Cecil "I got a Pig here for ya." Huffer said "Oh. A Pig." "You sound sad." Huffer said "My Girlfriend left me." Cecil said "Your Girlfriend?" Huffer gasped "You never told me..." "I never told you..." Cecil said "Because she was a Frog." "A.........Frog?" "Yeah." Cecil sniffled "I was too Kinky and drove her away and she left me for some guy she met Online, If I ever find out who this guy is...." Huffer shut off the phone "Whatever happened to people dating their own species?" He asked the Robot Steve Ellen "I don't know," Jobby said. "Do I have a species?" "No, you're just a piece of animated junk." "Oh. ... You're not going to be a nice person, are you?" "Not particularly," Huffer said. "I AM a wolf, after all. What did you expect? Mary and her Little Lamb?" "No... but..." "But what?" "I'm beginning to think maybe there are worse things than working for a pig." * * * Brains was waiting for Daisy when she stepped out of the taxi. "Let me explain. I am not a frog." "That's obvious," Daisy said. "You should be ashamed of yourself." "I am! I was lonely! I needed somebody to talk to!" Daisy looked at him with disgust on her face. "You could have talked to other pigs. You didn't have to-" Porkchop walked up saying, "Hey, bro! What's happening?" Daisy looked from Porkchop to Brains. "I thought you said you didn't have anybody to talk to?" "He isn't anybody!" "Hey!" Porkchop said. "I resemble that remark! Have you seen my robot?" * * * Oinky managed to squirm out of his taped-shut box just as they were loading it onto the train. "Yo! Stop that pig!" somebody yelled, but it was too late. Oinky was running for his life back to his brothers. * * * "No, I haven't seen your robot," Brains said. Oinky came running up gasping for breath. "I was kidnapped!" "Were you?" Porkchop said. "I guess you got away." "Yeah! I escaped! Let's go build a house! My house is gone!" The boys decided to cooperate for once and helped Brains finish the roof to his stone house. Even Daisy helped. "I don't like pigs," she said, "but I do like to work with my hands." By 3am the sound of hammers and saws became the sound of snoring pigs. Daisy stayed up even later to watch the shopping channel. She loved buying useless stuff at low prices. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 A few hours later the four of them woke up to hear an ominouse ticking."Hey Brains, turn off your alarm clock," Porkchop shouted, snuggling back into his sheets. "Yeah," Daisy said. "I need my beauty sleep." "Same here," said Oinky. "Alright I'll turn it off," Brains said, getting out of bed. Then he stopped and said, "Wait a minute. I don't have my alarm clock set up yet." At this the three brothers rushed to the window and saw Huffer standing some distance away, holding onto a stick of dynimite. The wolf used his empty hand to tap on a watch "You have five miniutes to get your stuff and get out of there," he said, with a wicked smile. The pigs then started rushing to get their stuff out of the house. Soon the three of them were standing some distance away from the place. "Looks like everything is here," Porkchop said. "Along with the three of us," Oinky said. "Oh no," Brains said. "We forgot Daisy." With that he ran into t5he house to get the frog. "Come on Daisy," he said. "The house is about to blow and we've got less than one minute." "Okay," Daisy said, as she started to get her clothes packed. "Just let me get my things-" "There's no time for that!" Brains shouted. "Well let me get my makeup." **** Meanwhile, Huffer was watching what was going on and he was puzzled at something: Why had Brains rushed back into the house? Was the pig suicidal? He didn't want the pigs to get killed, which was the reason for the five minute delay. After all, that wouldn't be revenge enough. Twiga The House was about to blow and Brains just grabbed Daisy by her Froggy arm and dragged her out of the house.KA-BOOOM! The house blew up and sent Daisy and Brains flying into Oinky and Porkchop. "Great Hoptoads!" Daisy gasped "Who would do such a thing!" "The Wolves." Oinky said just as he said that Huffer's silloette appeared against the flames The Four of the them ran into the woods (Although Daisy was sort of dragged against her will) After a few hours of running like mad, the four stopped and Panted "Do you have any idea where you're going?" Daisy asked "No." Brains said panting "My Prey Instincts kicked in and I just...ran." "A lot of good that did you." Daisy said "I'm going to ask for directions if you don't mind." Brains was just about to stop her when he tripped and fell in the mud, Being a Pig he could not resist rolling in the Mud for a few minutes Oinky and Porkchop followed Daisy without tripping however and Daisy had found two very interesting looking people One was a girl with a cloth wrapped around her head, one was a Cat-Girl dressed in simmiler outfit to the Human girl. Oinky and Porkchop noted with embaressment that the Cat-Girl was far more Anthropomorphic than they were, serrously she looked like the kind of creature you see on Glamor Beast Magazene or something like that Frogs however are immune to Glammor and approached the Cat-Girl "Top of the Morning to Ye!" She giggled "Sorry I'm half Irish." The Cat looked bemused "So we were wondering if you knew the way out of the forest." "I could ask you the very same thing." The Cat answered "You to look like you're not from around here." Daisy said "I'm Kate," Said the Cat "And This is my stepsister Anne." "Pardon my impertance." Daisy said "But Why are you a Cat and she's a human?" "My Father was a Cat and My Mother was a human." Kate said "My Mother divorced and remarried a King, however she didn't like that my new Stepsister was pretter than me, so she consulted the Hen-Wife and...Well I took Anne with me and together we look for a cure." "We could help." Daisy said "You lick our backs we'll lick yours." (Since this is based on a Fairy Tale I thought I'd throw in my Favorite Fairy Tale Kate Crackernuts, Go look it up, It deserves more love (Kate isn't an Anthro Cat im the Fairy tale I added it) Steve Ellen [Never heard of Kate Crackernuts before! Haha!]"Wait a minute," Brains said. "We have to build a house. Didn't you see what happened to my house back there?" "Oh, Brains," Daisy said. "I want to go with Kate and Anne and see what happens." "So what's stopping you?" "Don't you want to come too? You said you were lonely. Come with us." "But I really need to build a house." "It's not raining. The sun is rising. You'll have plenty of time later to build a house." "Well..." and he went off with Daisy and Kate and Anne. Porkchop watched them go and turned to Oinky. "You can help me slap my house back into shape." "Huh? Why do you need to slap it?" "It's all silly putty. Bomb proof and bullet proof. The only thing that can destroy it is neglect. That's why we have to get there right away before the walls melt. They were almost too late. When they arrived the ceiling was only two feet higher than the floor because the walls of Porkchop's silly putty house had slumped so much. "Slap it!" Porkchop said and the two pigs didn't stop slapping the putty until the walls were standing tall again. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Good," Porkchop said. "Now you keep slapping, because I'm going to sleep.""And you wonder why your robot left you," Oinky said. "Why, I'll wager that he was working with the wolf when I was kidnapped." "No way," said Porkchop. "That robot doesn't have a mind of its own, unless-" "Unless what?" "I don't know. I didn't read the Owner's Manual." Twiga Huffer and Jobby were on there way to Porkchop's house when Huffer's Cell Phone rang"Sorry Jobby gotta take this call." It was Cecil the Sea Serpent "Huffer what happened? I've been waiting like an hour and the Pig hasn't shown up yet." "The Pig escaped." Huffer said "But I'll retreve it soon enough." "These Pigs seem to be getting a little much for you." Cecil said "I'm sending you back up." "Back up?!" Huffer said "Why in the..." "Her name is Belinda, She's a Bassilisk, can turn things to stone with her tougue OK Bye." Huffer closed his phone "Just what I need." He said Steve Ellen Brains and Daisy and Kate and Anne were in the nut patch. "Just crack as many as you can!" Kate yelled. "Fast!" "But why?" Brains said, picking up the strange-looking nuts and pressing one against the other to crack them. The nuts easily popped open to reveal a tan nutmeat inside. Kate had provided everybody with bags for collecting the nutmeats. "We're going to make nut pie for the Prince!" Kate yelled. She seemed very excited to be in the nut patch. "What prince?" Brains asked. "THE Prince!" Brains was beginning to suspect Kate might be a little bit nuts herself. He whispered to Daisy, "This Kate character is koo koo." Daisy sniffed. "At least she's not a pig." "That hurts," Brains said. "Did you ask me along just so you could insult me?" "You started it by saying my friend Kate was crazy." * * * Belinda Bassilisk stepped off the bus. "Where's that damn wolf? I thought he was supposed to meet me?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Well I just can't believe that Cecil would get himself involved like this," Huffer said, standing in front of the bus station.(Sorry, I don't feel like writing much today.) Twiga Kate and Daisy stepped up to the castle and rang the DoorbellA Ape stepped out , he was wearing sunglasses and ha an Afro "Hello." Said the Ape "We brought nuts...For the Prince." Kate said "Which Prince?" The Ape Bouncer said "There are two Princes one sick, one well." "Well the Sick Prince of course." Kate said The Ape's nose twittched Steve Ellen "Wait here," the Ape said. "I'll go check with his nurse and see if the Sick Prince is allowed to have nuts." "Can we just visit him anyway?" "No, that's what I meant," the Ape said over his shoulder. "I'm going to see if he is allowed to have four nuts visit him." Kate turned to Daisy. "If he was making a joke it wasn't very funny." Brains was looking around at the walls and ceiling of the castle. Man, this place was built solid! * * * Belinda saw Huffer standing at the other end of the bus station. "Hey! Wolfie! I'm over here!" * * * Porkchop and Oinky were snoring in their house made of Silly Putty. Every now and then Porkchop would kick Oinky in the ribs and Oinky would get up and sleepily slap the putty walls back up straight. "This sucks!" he would mumble and then tumble back into bed. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Back at the bus station, Huffer was looking at Belinda."Why don't you get back home," he said. "My business with the pigs is mine and mine alone." "Then what's the deal with the robot?" the bassilisk asked. "My business lies with Porkchop," Jobby said. "He didn't pay me enough." Twiga Belinda sighed with displessure and said "I'm going to help you weather you like it or not."Huffer growrled but said nothing Meanwhile, Kate Anne, Brains and Daisy were being led to the sick prince's chamber "We wish you did not bring pigs." The Ape said "Not since the Great Pig Conspirisy have I trusted a Pig." "What was the great pig conspirisy?" Kate asked "That was when the pigs tried to take over the entire Animal Kingdom." Daisy said "Even take over the Wild Animals...I'm assuming that why Brains here lied about his speices." "I wish people would just get over it." Brains said "So we tried to take over the world Big Deal." Steve Ellen "I'm sorry," Daisy said. "It's my fault we brought a pig with us. I had no idea about the history of it. To be fair, Brains didn't want to come and I made him." "That's right," Brains said. "Here is the Sick Prince," the Ape said as he swung open the door into a huge bedroom. In the middle of the room was a four-poster bed in which Prince was propped up with pillows. "Hello," the Prince said in a weak voice. "I'm glad to have some visitors, even if one of them is a pig." * * * Belinda and Huffer were not getting along well. "I don't understand why Cecil had to send you," Huffer said. "He told you. For back-up." "What does that even mean? I work alone. I don't need some crazy basilisk following me around." Belinda shrugged. "Apparently you weren't getting the job done working alone. If you like, then I'll just stand by and watch you get the job done. Are you going to get it done now? Cecil is still waiting for his pig." "He would have already have his pig if I didn't have to drop what I was doing and pick you up. Maybe two pigs. They're living in a Silly Putty house that I intend to destroy. But first, we tie up the pigs so we can ship them to Cecil." "We?" Belinda said. "So now you do want my help?" "As long as you're here you might as well lend a hand." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "So what's your plan?" Belinda asked."Divide and conquer," replied Huffer. "Of the three Oinky is the most vain. If you can get him out of the house, then we can take care of porkchop first, and then him." "Well what do you mean by me getting Oinky out of the house?" Belinda asked. "If you get him to think that you like him, or think that he's handsom or some such thing, he'll gio after you." Twiga The Prince was Human, (One of the Few Humans around in the General Area of Animal Town) He was so Sick that while he could tell most of the other characters around his bed were Animals he could not tell Kate was Part Cat Steve Ellen Maybe Kate shouldn't have said it but she did, "You know I'm part cat, right?" "Wh-what?" the SIck Prince said. "No, I assumed you were human or why else would you bother to visit me?" "I said I'm only part cat. The other part is human. I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea about me." The Prince feebly waved his hand. "It's okay. I've lived in Animal Town so long I've stopped caring about who is what. Except pigs. I still don't like pigs." Brains made a stifled noise. "Oh, sorry. I forgot about you being in the room, pig person." "Maybe I should just leave," Brains said. "I'll walk out with you," Daisy said. Outside the room she grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry about this. I had no idea the Prince would be so anti-pig." "It doesn't matter. I need to get back and work on my house anyway. I had fun in the nut patch. See you later." Daisy waved good-bye. "I'm sorry it didn't work out. Next time you're on the internet tell the truth. Especially if you might actually meet the person." "Yeah, right," Brains said as he walked away. "I'll remember that. Good-bye!" When he was far enough away that she couldn't hear he said, "What an intolerant bitch! Tell the truth! Sure, like she would ever have talked to me if she had known I was a pig. What a hypocrit." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, Huffer, Belinda and Jobby were outside of Porkchop and Oinky's place."Alright," Huffer said. "Belinda, this is where you come in. I need you to act like a lost tourist searching for a place to eat. Also, be sure to compliment Oinky on his looks." "And what do I do after that?" Belinda asked. "See about getting him to help you get there," Huffer said. "After that, we'll see about knocking him out, tying him up, and shipping him to Cecil." Twiga Belinda sighed with displeasure and sat down on a rock...She sighed again and Porkchop came out of his house"What in the name of Zoology are you?" Porkchop asked "I'm a Bassilisk." Belinda said "I'm a Mythacal Reptile that can turn people to stone." "Hey that's cool!" Porkchop said "Can you turn my house to stone?" "Sure if I lick it." Belinda rubbed her arm trying to think of what to say next "Look, I'm a lost tourist looking for a place to eat, can you help me with that first?" Porkchop was annoyed with this request, but than got a sinister glint in his eye "There is the MixMax Diner across the way." He said "They make the best Sausages in Town!" That was true but what Porkchop wasn't telling is that MixMax's secret ingrediant was that they used Sapiant Animals in there Meat Products, Porkchop had sent many a poor soul to his/her death and ate the finished product free of charge Yes Porkchop knew that they also made Sausages out of Pigs but he didn't care, he would eat a Wiener made out of his own brothers if he could get away with it. Steve Ellen But this devious nature of Porkchop's mind often worked to his advantage. It was probably the reason he said to Belinda, "You would be amazed at what Silly Putty tastes like. I accidentally got a bit of it in my mouth when I was building my house. You wouldn't believe how delicious it is. it almost made me want to eat some!" "Really?" Belinda said. "You've made me curious. If it wasn't for the magic properties of my tongue, I would taste your house, but that would turn it into hard stone." "I don't mind," Porkchop said. "I get tired of slapping the walls up." Belinda tasted the house and instantly it turned to stone. At his hiding place outside, Huffer jumped to his feet. "What the hell! Now the house is stone! That stupid basilisk!" But Belinda and Oinky came strolling out of the house and walked across the street to the MixMax Diner. Huffer rubbed his paws togetrher and chuckled. "Now to recapture Oinky..." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 With that, Huffer and Jobby started to track the pair. However, when they got to town, the wolf and the robot lost the Baskilisk and pig."I've lost them from my radar around here," Jobby said, as they were walking on the bad side of town. "I can't explain it." He then turned to look at Huffer and became concerened. The wolf seemed to be pale, and shaking. "What's wrong?" he asked. Huffer just raised his hand and pointed at a place across the street. "I know that place," he said. "That's where he had her murdered." "What are you talking about?" Jobby asked. "Who had who murdered?" "When I was eighteen I had a girlfriend, Lisa Ewe," Huffer said. "She was the most attractive girl in High School and I felt like I had struck gold when she asked me to the annual dance. However Porkchop was jelouse of the fact that she chose me, a wolf, instead of him. A few weeks later she went missing and sometime after that, I got a package from that place. With it was a note that said, 'Curtisy of Porkchop. Enjoy your lambchops.' Well I openened it and there were her remains. I called the police, but the only fingerprints found were mine. Also that place is technecally a ligitiment business, because as far as most people know, they only butcher non-sentiant animals, but I know better, as does Porkchop. We broke into the place once when we were kids and were captured and almost turned into one of their products. Thankfully I had my father's credit card on me and I was able to purchase myself. I'm not sure how Porkchop got out, but I can take a guess." Jobby took a look at the place and saw that it was named the MixMax Diner. He also saw two alligator people standing in front of the door, watching around. "So what do you want to do?" he asked. "First off, get everyone out of there," Huffer said, standing straight up. "And then distroy the place. After that, go after Porkchop, and kill him. I can deal with Oinky making fun of me, and Brains being all brainy, but Porkchop has gone too far. I couldn't get him for Lisa's murder, but I can get him on the attempted murders of his brother, and Belinda." Twiga Belinda walked into the Diner; she instantly had her face sprayed with cloraform. The last words she heard before she blacked out were, "Thanks, Porkchop." "No Problemo," said Porkchop's voice When Belinda came to, she saw she was strapped to a large table, and several humans were coveriring her with Oils and various Spices. Meanwhile at the Castle, The Sick Prince's Well Brother (Some called him Bonny Prince Charlie even though this wasn't his name) approached his father the King with a phone. "Dad," He said "It's for you." The King lifted the phone to his ear. "Yeah, what do you want?" "The MixMax Diner is not what it seems." It was Jobby's Voice. "If the King does not act an Innocent Woman will be turned into a sausage." Steve Ellen "Is this a prank?" the King asked. "No, this is deadly serious. I'm a robot so I wouldn't lie." "But you could be a human lying about being a robot..." "Please," Jobby said, "if we get into a discussion like that then an Innocent Woman will die. Can't you believe me now and ask questions later?" "Fine, I'll do something," the King said. "What was that place? The MixMax Diner? I'll send someone. I have a sick son, you know, and here you are bothering me with this." "I'm sorry, sire. My best wishes for the Sick Prince." Jobby hung up the phone. He could already hear the sirens of the King's Guards in the distance. "What took you so long?" Huffer said when Jobby returned to him. "What are all those sirens?" "You wouldn't believe how wrong things are going." "Oh, I would believe it," Huffer said. "I don't know where Oinky went. The house looks empty." "So why haven't you destroyed it?" "I was waiting for you. Where's Porkchop?" "Uh... also gone." Porkchop and Oinky huddled in a nearby drainage pipe. "I'm cold," Oinky said. Porkchop cuffed his ear. "No you aren't. It's July." Oinky shivered. "Is that Brains coming down the road? Brains! Over here!" Brains joined them in the pipe. "Why are you guys in here?" "That big wolf is beside the house with a basilisk." "Oh," Brains said. "Well I'm tired. Wake me up when they're gone." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 However, Brains couldn't get much sleep, especially when someone turned on a stereo and started blasting out the song "Everybody's Kung Fu Fighting.""What's the deal with that racket?" he asked. "I'll check it out," Porkchop said, sticking his head out of the pipe. However the sight made him gasp. There, standing in a crowd of people who where covered in sauces and spices, was his traitor robot and that baskilisk woman. Also, in the robot's chest there seemed to be a speaker, where the music was coming from. What's going on? he wondered. Then he saw that the wolf wasn't in the crowd. He turned his head to look at the diner and wsaw something that made him shudder, the two gator guards laying in the street, blood pooling from their mouths. Then he heard Brains say, "What's going on?" "Yeah," said Oinky. "How are we going to get any sleep with all of that racket." Thinking quickly, Porkchop said, "I think it's a party, probably a beerfest by the looks of some of the people." "Perhaps we should call up the City Guard and tell them to break it up," Brains suggested as he got out a cellphone. "Sounds like a good idea," Oinky said. "Just make sure it annonymous." "I plan on it," Brains said, as he started to punch the numbers in, just as the sound of galloping horses and the blaring of a horn reached their ears. At this, he and Oinky poked their heads out of the dranage pipe and saw the Royal Guard, who look a lot like the officers from the Police Academy series, including an Officer Jones look-a-like, who was doing a good impresion of a number of horses galloping and horns blaring. "Alright," said an Officer Mahoney look-a-like. "Let's disperse this crowd. Hooks, could you ask them to disperse?" "Sure thing," said a short woman with a high-pitched voice. "Um, could you people please move?" At this, the crowd started to grumble, so she tried it again, this time a little louder. "Could you please move?" However, the crowd wasn't moving in the least, causing her to get angry. So she shouted, "MOVE IT, DIRTBAGS!!!!!!" This caused the crowed to start running, especially when Jones started sounding like a machinegun on full auto. "I think that took care of it," she said, in her normal high-pitched voice. Suddenly, a figure came flying out of the diner. At this, Mahoney looked up at the sky and said, "Hey Hightower, could you pick that place up so that we can see what's going on?" "SURE THING," said a deep version of the familiar officer's voce, and down cam a dark brown hand, which carefully grabbed the building and picked it up, revealling Huffer to be fighting with several people, who were weilding various kitchen implements. "You guys were taking your sweet time," he said, headbutting one of the employees. "So I decided to start the party without you." Twiga Meanwhile Kate was watching the Sick Prince sleep, Unaware of all the crazy stuff that was happening outsideSuddenly the Clock stroke twelve, the Prince rose from his bed with a sickly look in his eyes, he seemed to be sleepwalking He went straight to the royal stables and jumped on his horse and called his faithul hound, Kate who had followed him to the Stables without his knowladge jumped on the back of the hound before the Prince took off They rode threw the forest and through the nut patch, Kate picked more nuts as she rode along behind the Prince Just then they came to a Hill, the Prince said "Open up Hill and let in the Prince and his Horse and his Hound!" And Kate whispered "And his Lady behind him." And all four were let into the land of Fairies Steve Ellen The Land of Fairies is a twinkly place. It's like a Christmas tree light store gone wild - tinsel, glitter, and twinkly lights. "Oooooo!" Kate said. "Twinkles!" Brains and Porkchop and Oinky crawled deeper into the drainage pipe. "Where are we going?" Porkchop asked. "To the Land of the Mole People?" "You wish," Brains said. "Why would I wish that?" "It's just an expression, and no, we're not going to the Land of the Mole People. I just don't want to hear any more beerfest noise. I am tired! I need my sleep." While Brains slept in the drainage pipe that night he dreamed a new design for a house. It was so wonderful that it woke him up and he lay there a moment smiling before he fell back to sleep. "I hope I remember this dream tomorrow," was the last thing he said. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile Huffer and Mahoney were at a tavern, sharing a drink and catching up on old times."How have you been?" Huffer asked. "Last time I saw you we were both in the dungon for disturbing the peace. How'd you end up wearing the armor?" "One of the officers served with my father," said Mahoney. "Gave me a choice between serving in the Guard or staying in the dungon for the rest of my life. Took the Guard. You?" "Found the King's glasses," Huffer said, with a chuckle. "Guy gave me a full pardon, plus amnisty. As for where I found them, you wouldn't believe me." Twiga Huffer sighed and looked at Jobby who was looking out the window"The Fairies are having a Ball tonight." Jobby said "What on Eath are you blathering about?" Huffer asked "The Fairies dance once a week every week." Jobby said "Any Mortal who watches the Fair Folk dance will become enchanted, they will be forced to dance with the fairies to exsuastion until they die." "Why would they do that?" Huffer asked "I dunno." Jobby said "Cuz they're creepy little freaks I guess." Meanwhile Kate was watching the Fairies force the Poor Prince to Dance untill he could dance no more and colapse on the sofa, when that happened the fair folk would fan him with their fans until he got up again. She saw a Fairy Infant in a Corner with an Apple, a Bird flew over and whispered to her "Three bites of that Apple will free the poor prince of enchantment and make him well as he ever was." Kate took her nuts and rolled them to the Little One to distract him Steve Ellen But every time Kate rolled a nut, a bird would fly down and grab the nut in its beak and fly away with it. What's the deal here, Kate wondered. Good bird and bad bird? She drew back her right hand with a nut in it while she used her left hand to roll a nut toward the Little One. When the bird flew down to grab the nut, Kate threw the nut in her right hand as hard as she could and knocked the bird in the head. It started walking around in circles making tweeting noises. All the fairies turned to stare at Kate. "What?" she said. 'Uh, what's wrong with that bird? He sure is acting funny." The fairies gathered around the bird, who had now fallen to the floor and was flapping one wing while making choking sounds. Kate took advantage of their distracted attention to snatch the apple from the Fairy Infant and hide it in her dress. The infant began to bawl loudly and all the fairies turned to stare at Kate again. "What?" she said. "Why is this baby crying? Should I change its diaper?" Meanwhile, Kate was edging closer to the Prince and hoping he would eat three bites from the apple when she gave it to him. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, Huffer was heading towards the fairy village, but first he had to deal with some very zenophobic Lepercons."If you arn't Irish you arn't allowed through our village," the head Lepercon said. "Ah, but I am Irish," Huffer said. "After all, I'm Huffer O'Malley. My father is pure Irish Setter, straight from Irland." "Got any papers to prove that?" the Lepercon asked. "Sure thing," Huffer said, pulling out his wallet, as well as a nice piece of pure Irish gold. "I guess you are an O'Malley," the Lepercon said, with a smile. "I know this gold quite well. You can pass." Twiga Kate did not know that Huffer was coming, the Fair Folk were edgeing closer and closer to her, they looked like they wanted to eat her, or do nasty things to her..Or bothShe quickly gave the Sick Prince the Apple who was most grateful for it, As quick as he could he took three bites out of the fruit, As soon as he had taken the third bite, a Vortex opened and Kate, the Prince, the Horse and the Hound were tossed out of Fairy Land. (None of the Fairies noticed but the Bird flew out with them as the Vortex closed) "Well!" Kat said "That was quite an adventure!" "Yes, and by the way Thank You for helping me out of that jam, seriously I'd be lost without you." The Prince said as he helped Kate up "Your Welcome." Kate said "By the way I didn't catch your name." She purred "They call me Prince Roderick." The Young Prince said blushing The Hound began to bray and the Horse began to neigh as they saw Huffer coming down the road "If you were coming to rescue me." Roderick said "There is no need." He turned to Kate "That Apple you gave me is Fairy Repellent, it is the oppisit of food that traps you in the Fairy Realm, After one eats it, One begins to smell like Cold Iron which the Fair Fork an not stand." Steve Ellen "I don't like it much myself," Huffer siad. "You smell like a bucket of nails." "THis calls for a celebration," the Prince said. "Why doesn't everybody join me at the palace for a party?" "Count me in," Kate said. "I love parties." When Brains woke up the next morning he remembered he had dreamed a new house design during the night, but unfortunately the details were vague. "I know it had a roof and a door..." he muttered. Porkchop stretched. "Let's get cracking on a new house. I sure don't want to sleep in that pipe again. My back has a permanent curve in it now." "Let's build a gingerbread house," Oinky said. "I always wanted to live in one of those." "Aw, you'd eat it up and we wouldn't have a house," Porkchop said. "No I wouldn't! Let's do it!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Now I know what to build my house out of," Brains said, standing up quickly. Unfourtanatly, he hit his head on the top of the pipe and knocked himself out."That's got to hurt," Oinky said. "You think," Porkchop said, smacking him in the back of the head. "Let's get him and go." "Go where?" "To the forest. It's probably the safest place around here." Twiga With Prince Roderick cured of his illness, every Sentiant Creature in the Kingdom, human, animal and robot was invited to attend, Porkchop and Oinky were carring Brains when they saw the fireworks and heard the music.Than they saw a sign 'This way to the Castle, The Prince Roderick's engagement party is tonight...Everyone is inveted (Even the Pigs)' "Aw isn't that nice?" Oinky asked Porkchop narrowed his beady eyes. "I smell a golden oppritunity." Porkchop said "I think we can work our way into the Royal Family." Meanwhile, Roderick saw Kate looking out the window looking sad "Why do fret my Love?" Roderick asked "I still have not found a cure for my sister." Kate said "What is her illness?" The Prince asked "She's not sick, the Hen-wife cursed her to have a Sheep's head." Steve Ellen "Is that so bad?" Roderick asked. Kate looked at him like he was crazy. "I guess it is," he said. Soon the courtyard was filled with laughing happy animals. Five musicians had been hired and they struck up a merry tune on their homemade instruments. Many of the animals began to dance... but not Brains. He waved away Porkchop and Oinky. "You two dance. I just want to sit here and drink the Koolaid." Daisy saw him sitting there and sat down beside him. "I'm sorry about everything yesterday." "No problem," Brains said. "I've lived my whole life wondering who was going to turn my butt into bacon. You didn't disappoint me." "Maybe I can make it up to you." Brains looked at her for the first time. Her hair was done up a new way and she had on a sundress that showed a lot of her back and shoulders but what he noticed most of all were how deep and dark her eyes were. They seemed to draw him in. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "So, um, w-w-where w-w-would y-y-you li-li-like to-o-o go-o?" he stamarred out."There is a nice pond over on the other side of the castle," Daisy said. "There's even a nice mud hole there. Does that give you any ideas?" "I don't know," Brains said. "Just what are you suggesting?" "That we get some privacy, and that we are alone together, and naked even." "Isn't that rushing things a little?" "I only suggested that we see each other naked, not to have sex." Twiga Oinky and Porkchop walked along the edge of the crowd, they kept geting bumbed by much larger animals, Than they saw Prince Roderick walking with Kate"I need to find a cure for my sister!" Kate said "I promised I would restore her face to her." "Well Fairy Land might have a cure." Roderick said "But I can't ever go back there again and I don't think they'll let you in again either." "Wait." Kate said "Didn't that Wolf Huffer say he knew some Fairies?" "I think you're right." Roderick said "We can send the Wolf to look for a cure." Steve Ellen A passing zebra overheard them. "Forget that. You can't send a wolf to do anything. They are totally unreliable." "That's not true," Kate said. "I know Huffer and if he said he would help then I would trust him 100 per cent." Meanwhile, Brains and Daisy were looking at the mudhole out back of the castle. "Wow," Brains said. "I had no idea this was here." "Does it give you any ideas?" Daisy asked. "Does it?! I'll say! I'd like to wallow in it!" "Well?" "But I don't want to embarrass you, Daisy." Daisy shrugged. "Who said I would be embarrassed?" Then she loosened the straps of her sundress and let it fall to her feet. She wasn't wearing anything underneath. Brains gulped. "Okayyyy... Let's wallow." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 A few minutes later, Daisy was rubbing Brains's back, covering it with mud."Doesn't that feel good?" she asked. "Oh it does," Brains said, oinking with pleasure. "Good," said Daisy. "Perhaps you'll do me." Twiga Kate and Roderick found Huffer near the end of the Courtyard"So tell us Good Wolf." Roderick said "Why were you seeking the Fairy Kingdom last night?" "I was looking for Fairy Gold." Huffer said "They say it has many uses." "Um...OK?" Roderick was not sure if he wanted anything to to with this shady character "Listen my Fiancee Kate has a request, she wants you to go to Fairy Land and find a cure for her sick sister." "What's in it for me?" Huffer asked "We'll owe you a Boon." Kate said "Anything you ask of us it will be done." "Anything?" Huffer asked "Yes anything." Kate said Porkchop overheard the entire conversaion, and he knew what Huffer was thinking, He would use the Young couple to get back at him and his brothers! He had to think of a way so the Fairies would not cooperate with Huffer, Maybe if Porkchop produced a nice juicy sacrifice for them, he could pay them off, He saw among the partying animals a young Salamander, could not be older than twelve, the perfect prey, All Porkchop had to do was get him without anyone noticing Steve Ellen Porkchop quietly stepped up beside the salamander and said, "Hey, buddy, Would you like to-" The salamander's eyes bugged out, he gave a little squeak, and ran away. "Hmmm," Porkchop said. "This is going to be harder than I thought." In the mudhole behind the palace, Brains was rubbing mud on Daisy's back. She arched her neck and said, "Ohhh! That feels so gooood! Lower..." Brains tongue was hanging out. "Are you panting?" Daisy said. "It's pretty hot in this mudhole." "I'll say! Lower..." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, Huffer noticed that Porkchop was bothering some of the younger party-goers."I think that I'll help you out," he said, turning to look at Kate and Roderick. "Thank you," said Kate. "However I'm going to call in my boon now." "And what would that be?" Roderick asked. "See that pig over there bothering some of the younger party goers?" "Yeah." "I want him arrested." "What for?" Kate asked. "Multiple murders and attempted murders." "But he's Brains's brother," Kate said. "There's no way he could do something like that." "And I have a witness who says that he is the one who took her to the MixMax Diner where she was almost turned into Baskilisk strips," Huffer said. "I also have other evidence of his part in a murder that happened several years back, the murder of Lisa Ewe. If he isn't arrested and brought to justice, you can forget my help, and I'll make sure that Lisa is avenged my own way." "But his brothers would want to know why he's in prision," Kate said. "What do we tell them?" "Tell Brains that Porkchop murdered his old friend," Huffer said. "He was fond of that sheep, as was I. And tell him that another old friend says 'Hi' as well." Twiga Kate looked at Roderick...The Prince sighed and said "Very well."The Ape Bouncer was called Porkchop was bothering a Young Jackel girl The Ape was all too happy to arrest a Pig, since he had lost loved one in the Great Pig Conspirisy. "You're under arrest for murder and attempted murder!" The Ape said "What?" Porkchop asked but he was hit on the head with a gun "You have the right to remain sillent!" The Ape bouncer said "What?" Porkchop said again, and he was bludgened on the head with the gun again "I SAID SILLENT!" The Ape bellowed Porkchop looked to the left and saw Huffer and The Prince talking to each other He could read lips and could see Huffer was saying 'Murder' and 'Porkchop' than the Prince and the Wolf hugged like they were Old Friends Porkchop suddenly had an intense desire the Brand the Prince's Bare Buttocks with a Red Hot Poker Steve Ellen And where was Oinky? Asleep in the Prince's bed. Oinky had slipped into the palace to have a little look around, but after walking through miles of corridors and musty old rooms he was very tired, so when he saw the big bed he just fell into it and went to sleep. Porkchop was allowed to make one call to his lawyer, a fox named Slick. "Slick!" Porkchop said. "They've charged me with murder!" "Don't say anything to them!" Slick advised. "I'll be there right away." Behind the palace the mud was splashing everywhere as Brains and Daisy wallowed without restraint. A mother duck held her hands over her duckling's eyes. "Don't look at that!" she said while he cried, "I wanna see! I wanna see!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Back up in the Prince's bedroom, Oinky was having a nice dream, in which he was sitting in a house made of gingerbread and eating it. However, that changed when an ugly old woman with a broom showed up."What are you doing here?" she asked, swinging the broom, and causing him to wake up. As Oinky shook his head and muttered, "What a dream. Too bad that the old woman showed up and ruined it." At this, a familiar voice said, "And I'll ruin more than just a dream if you don't get out of the Prince's bed!" Looking up, Oinky saw the ugly old woman from his dream. "If you don't get out of the Prince's bed and the room I'm going to call the Guard," she said. "And then we'll have two pigs locked up." "Wait, did you say that one of my brothers was locked up?" Oinky asked, getting out of the bed, slightly upset. "I wouldn't know," the woman said. "I'm just the Nanny to this Prince. My ugly twin sister is the Nanny to the other one. Gesh Oinky thought, as he walked of the room. If you're that ugly, I wonder what you call ugly. However a lightning bolt zapped his tail and he heard the old woman say, "I heard that you Swine! Now get out of here before I call the Guard." "Sure thing," he muttered. "You old witch." "What was that?!? I have excelent hearing!" "Um, nothing!" Twiga Oinky ran away as fast as he could, suddenly there was a pain in his mouth "Ow!" Oinky said He looked in the mirror and saw that he had a cavity "Oh No!"Oinky said "Brains always said my love of sweets and lack of brushing would give me cavites Nearby Kate walked along the royal gardens with Prince Roderick "There has been something I've been meaning to ask you." The Prince said "Yes?" Kate said "How is it that you are half cat?" "Well..Let me put it this way, You ever hear of Puss in Boots?" "Yes." "He was my father." Steve Ellen The Prince immediately said, "Even though you are half cat, you are very nice. In fact, I think being half cat might make you even nicer than you would have been if you had no cat in you." "Thanks a lot," Kate said. "I meant that in a good way." "Then that's the way I meant my thanks," said Kate with a smile. Porkchop was conferring with his lawyer Slick the Fox. "How can they keep me locked up?" Slick shrugged. "These royalty types think they rule the earth. But I can get you set free." "You can? That's wonderful! How will you do it?" "I better keep that a secret," Slick said. "Let's just say I know things about the royal family that they don't want the rest of the kingdom to know. But first, let's discuss how you will pay me." "Pay you?" Porkchop said. "You don't think I work for free, do you?" Just then Oinky ran in. "Porkchop! They told me you were in jail! What happened?" "Just a little misunderstanding," Slick said. "Now if your friend Porkchop only had a way to pay me he could be out of jail." Oinky looked at Porkchop. "I'll go dig up your jar of coins!" "Shhh!" Porkchop said, but it was too late. Slick twirled his whiskers. "I'll wait. Hurry back with the gold, little Oinky." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, Huffer was walking near the jail when he saw Oinky run out. He could hear the pig muttering about finding the gold to help get his brother out. He also heard him say somethig about a fox lawyer.I wonder who he's talking about, Huffer thought, heading into the jail. After showing his I.D., which had a gold certifricate of amnysty, and immunity, and another one showing that he was in the Royal Service, to the guard on duty, Huffer walked into the holding area and saw a very familiar figure. "How are you doing Slick?" he asked. The fox turned and saw the wolf. "What are you doing out of the dungen?" he asked. "I thought that you got life." "It's funny," Huffer said, walking up to the fox. "I found the King's glasses in the prisioners' latrine, shortly after you visited the dungen. The King was quite generous when I showed it to him, especially after I cleaned it up. Gave me a pardon and then some. Of course, what I want to know is what are you doing here?" "Trying to get my client free," Slick said, waving a hand over to Porkchop. "Well I wouldn't try any of your dirty tricks if I were you," Huffer said. "You try to use any of the Royal Family's secrets, and I'll use your little brother against your credibility." "What are you talking about?" Slick asked. "Raynard was cleared of any wrong-doing in that Eggnapping incident." "Ah, but you and me both know the truth," Huffer said. "All that I have to do is tell the 'Mother Hens Assosiation' where he is, which is your place, and they'll take take him and do plenty of things to him, including, but not limited to, shaving him, tarring and feathering him, and a lot more. You get my drift." "That's blackmail and you know it," Slick said. "No, not blackmail, as I have nothing financial to gain if something happened to your brother," Huffer said. "However, justice must be served, especially for murder." Twiga Oinky ran all the way to where the coins were buried, he began to dig them up when he heard a stange sound, sort of a 'gallump' gallump' Oinky did not know what it was he looked the forest and saw Belinda the Bassilisk she had not had something to eat since Porkchop tried to make a meal out of her and she was delirious with hunger"Damn..." She said "What a night I'm so hungry I could eat...." He nose twitched "A PIG!" Oinky was now clutching the jar of coins and was running as fast could before Belinda ate him. Meanwhile at the Castle Kate woke up hungry, she arose from her bed (She was not sleeping with Roderick because they were not husband and wife) She went to the Kitchen to see if there was something worth nibbling in there She opened the Fride and saw the one half of an apple pie, Kate loved pie it was her favorite form of dessert. So she quetly took the the pie to a little corner she found during her first night watching over the Prince while he was sick. Using her catlike grace, she leaped onto a banister and seated herself quite comfortably, she nibbled on her snack while she watched the world below, seeing non-anthro mice and rats creeping into the pantry (Kate made a mental note to tell the King to get better mousetraps in the morning) Than she saw Huffer the Wolf walk down below, followed by a well dressed fox, for a moment Kate ceased munching in order to better hear what they were saying, she hoped they would not be able to smell her with their canine noses Steve Ellen Oinky managed to make it back to the castle without being eaten, but now he couldn't find Slick. Meanwhile Kate was frozen with a spoonful of pie halfway to her mouth as she strained to hear what Huffer and Slick were saying. It sounded like they had so much dirt on each other that neither one could make a move. Poor Porkchop, Kate thought. I'll bet he's pinning all his hopes on that shyster fox lawyer getting him out of jail. Finally Slick agreed to give Huffer half of the money he was getting from Porkchop and then Huffer would speak to the captain of the guards about letting Porkchop go. After all, Porkchop was only being held on suspicion of committing a crime. Nobody had any idea what the crime might be. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Know this Slick," Huffer said. "If Porkchop does anything, even something as minor as Jaywalking, I won't bother getting just the 'Mother Hens Assosiation' after your brother, I'll get Tom after you.""Like that tiny pipsqueak could do anything to me," Slick said, laughing. However when he looked into Huffer's eyes, he became quiet. "You don't mean..." "Yep, that Tom," Huffer said, with a wicked smile. "He's still upset that you got Jack set free after he stole his golden harp and magic gold-egg-laying goose." "But why would he help you?" Slick asked. "That giant hates you." "He married my cousin," Huffer said. "You know, the daughter of Red Hood and Loupe Wolf. He may not like me, but he'll listen to my cousin. Besides, he hates you more than he hates me." Twiga Kate stayed silent as the two walked out of sight.She had eaten one quarter of the pie, she had lost her appitete and did not feel like eating anymore. She walked back into the kitchen pondering deeply on what she had just heard. When two little trotters snatched the piepan from her hands "Hey Apple Pie just the thing I need." Oinky quickly devoured the rest of the pie Before Kate could say anything, she looked behind Oinky and saw he had wiped out most of the food in the kitchen, the fridge was layed to waste and the pantry was ransacked Her first instinct was to say 'Who do you think you are? Eating food that does not belong to you!' But insted she said "how can something so little eat so much food?" "I'm a Pig." Oinky said "It's my job to eat." "Even when the food doesn't belong to you?" Kate asked "My older brothers always tell me, that in truth all food belongs to pigs, the other living things are always eating what rightfully belongs to the Pigs." Steve Ellen "That's a wrong-headed philosophy," Kate said. "All the food does not just belong to pigs or not just to not-pigs. It belongs to EVERYBODY!" "Are you a Zen Buddhist?" Oinky asked. "I don't even know what that is. I'm just using common sense. Food is for everyone to share, not for some PIG to be piggy about it." "AHA! So you admit being piggy is what pigs do! It's their nature." Kate threw up her hands. "I can't talk to you. Just stop eating and get out of here or I'll... or I'll... tell them to lock up your brother forever!" "Porkchop! I forgot about him!" Oinky scampered away to find Slick and see about getting Porkchop released from jail. Brains and Daisy lay on the bank beside the mudhole smoking a cigarette. "Was it good for you?" Brains asked. "No, I don't smoke." "I didn't mean that!" "I know what you meant, but I'm not the kind of girl who wallows in the mud with a pig and then spends an hour and a half having a discussion with him about it." Brains rolled his eyes. "Well excuuuuuse me!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 However the two ofthem became interupted when Oinky tripped and fell in front of them."Oh, hi Brains," he said. "Um listen, Porkchop was arrested and put in jail." "What for?" Brains asked. "I don't know, but we should leave this place anyways," said Oinky. "There's this ugly witch who tried to turn me into bacon." "Um was this witch old, with white hair, and lots of warts and wrinkles on her face?" Brains asked. "Yeah," Oinky said. "Why? Have you seen her?" "Yeah," Brains said, nodding his head. At this, Oinky became nervous and said, "She's right behind me, isn't she?" "Yep," said a familiar voice. "Oh crap," Oinky whispered, as he turned his head to see the witch standing behind him. "You know, I just love pigs," she said. "I love fattening them up and then cooking them. They give off a wonderful smell, and sounds as they sizzel over the fire." At this, Oinky started running. Twiga Huffer was on his way to Fairy Land, he came across the green hill, the same green hill that the Prince had enteredHe said "Open up Green Hill and let in the Grey Wolf!" And as soon as he said that he was let in. Huffer spied a Fairy Infant playing with a wand, A Little Bird flew up to him and said "Three strokes of that wand will make Kate's sister as Bonney as she ever was." Huffer knew this was the truth, but he had to think of a way from getting the wand away from the little one without anyone noticing. Kate walked back to her room feeling heavy hearted she was not sure how much more Drama she could take. Just than she heard a crash bang boom, she looked in the Parlor and saw Belinda the Bassilisk had knocked over the king's favorite lamp "Someone help me." She said "I'm so hungry." "I'm sorry but all the food has been...Oh...But I do have some nuts in my pocket." She handed the Bassilisk the nuts, and she wolfed them down greedily Steve Ellen Kate laughed at Belinda. "You're a basilisk wolfing down nuts and Huffer is a wolf basking in Fairy Land and we are all nuts with too much Drama!" Unfortunately, Kate's laughter increased until it was so too much that Belinda had to slap her to make her stop laughing. "Thanks," Kate said. "I needed that." "You shouldn't let this place get to you," Belinda said. "Remember, our life here is only temporary and then we will spend eternity with our Lord." "Are you a Zen Buddhist?" Kate asked. Brains and Daisy stood with Oinky against the White-haired Witch. "Leave him alone!" Brains said. "You have no power here." "How do you know that?" the Witch said. "Well, I don't know it for sure but I know it was the right thing to say." "Yeah!" Oinky said. The White Witch chuckled. "Oh, my naive little pretties." She made a sweeping gesture with her hand. "I will eat ALL of you! Mwahahaha!" Brains and Daisy and Oinky shrank back. The witch had a powerful personality. "Do you think she can do it?" Oinky whispered. "Into the mud!" Brains yelled and all three of them dove headfirst into the mudhole. When they stuck their heads up, the witch was still on the bank hopping from one foot to the other and shaking her fist at them. "I'll get you yet, you little hams! I'll have your bacon! You'll fry on my stove! Mwahahaha!" "She won't come in the mud," Brains said. "Witches don't like water... or mud." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 However, Prince Roderick walked up to the witch and said, "Nanny Harg what's going on?""Not much," the witch said, turning to look at the Prince. "However, that pig over there was sleeping in your bed." "You sure about that?" Roderick asked. "I'm very sure," Nanny Harg said. "In fact he was even having an ugly dream about me. Heck, he was eating my house." "Oh, that is serious," Roderick said. "Just don't hurt him too much. After all, if you use your lightning spell on him now, it will fry all three of them." Twiga Huffer meanwhile had succsessfully gotten the Fairy Wand and was on his way back to the castke with it Steve Ellen A salamander stepped out from behind a tree. "Hold it, Wolfboy! What do you have in the bag?" Huffer punched the salamander in the nose and kept on walking. The salamander rubbed his swelling nose. "Jeez, it's hard to intimidate a wolf. Why do I even try?" At the mudhole, Brains and Oinky and Daisy paddle furiously to the other side and climbed out. "Come on," Brains said. "Let's get out of here. I don't even know that Prince and he wants to fry me." "It's because I slept in his bed," Oinky said. "Why the heck did you do something stupid like that?" "I don't know. Because I was sleepy?" "You can't just sleep anywhere you feel like." Brains rubbed his hands together. "Let's go build a house. You can sleep in that." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Well I had a very nice dream about a house that I was in," Oinky said."Let me guess, it was made out of nuts." "No, candy." "Figures." Twiga Huffer made his way to the catsle, He showed Kate the wand"Three strokes of this wand will cure your sister." Huffer said Kate tried the Wand three times on Anne's head BANG! Off fell the nasy sheep's head and Anne's pretty head was restored The Prince's brother had been strollig by when he saw Anne Steve Ellen It was love at first sight. "Hello beautiful maiden!" he said. "Geesh!" Anne said. "I just got the frikkin sheep head off and guys are already hitting on me? Give me some space here, Prince Ready-to-go." "I can't help it," said Prince Charlie. "Your beauty is like the birds that sing in the pet shop. It's like a ship sailing on a stormy sea. It's like the tallest tree in the forest." "Your images are terrible," Anne said. "Why can't I be a flower of some kind?" "I don't know much about flowers." "Then our love was never meant to be," Anne said. "No! Please! Don't reject me just because I don't putter around in the garden! That's not fair!" "Life can be unfair sometimes," Anne said. "Look at me with that sheep head on and I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve it one bit!" "It's understandable you're still a little upset about it." "Upset?!" Anne screamed. "I'll show you upset!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Five seconds later, a guard on patrol outside of the castle walls saw an incredile sight, Prince Charlie flying over the wall, trying to hold onto his groin. He then saw the Prince land in a pile of hay on his back. However, the pile of hay was small and he was stuck partway into the ground."Can you help me?" he asked, in a high pitched voice. "I can't move." "What happened?" the guard asked, walking up to the young man. "A really large giant kicked me right between the legs and sent me flying," the Prince said. However, the guard had heard others use that very excuss before, and had a fair idea as to what really happened. "Maybe he didn't like what you said about his wife," he said. "Giant's are quite touchy when it comes to insults towards their families. Just be lucky he didn't try to grind your bones to make his bread." "Yeah," the Prince said, as the guard helped pull him out of the ground. ***** Meanwhile, inside the garden, Huffer was wincing in sympathy. "A word of advise," he said, whispering to Prince Roderick, who was wincing in shared pain. "Never anger a woman, they know a man's weakness." "Yeah," Roderick said, in a high pitched voice. "How does that saying go? 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'?" "Yeah, I think that's it." Twiga Roderick and Kate were standing in the royal gardens watching the sunset, Roderick sighed...He felt a great powerful yearning to kiss Kate, but after he had seen what Anne could do he decieded not to push his luck."Kind of funny." Roderick said blushing "I got too close to the dancing fairies, because I wanted to experiance true magic." He rubbed his arm "I got more than I bargained for I became the Fair Folk's toy." Meanwhile the three little pigs were serching for something to build a house out of, they came across a Dinosaur selling flowers, however they did not know the dinosaur was really Belinda the Bassilisk in disguse "Can we buy some of your flowers?" Oinky asked "Why?" Brains asked Oinky "Maybe the Wolf is allergic maybe he'll sneeze himself to death." Steve Ellen "I have some Wolfbane," the flower-seller said. "Ooooo, perfect! Give us a wheelbarrow full." "You'll have to put a deposit on the wheelbarrow." Brains and Oinky and Porkchop found a nice plot of land on the bank of a small stream and began to build their house. The Wolfbane had long stems so they weaved it into mats and assembled the mats into walls, then thatched the roof with Wolfbane. "If this doesn't keep the wolves away then I don't know what will!" Oinky said. By then it was nightfall and the Three Little Pigs were very tired so they went to sleep in their new house of Wolfbane. It was very comfortable because there was good air circulation through the woven walls. After pretending to be a flower-seller, Belinda the Basilisk decided she rather liked doing that. Maybe I'll change professions, she thought. Handling flowers and herbs is pleasant. They look nice and smell nice. Working for Cecil the Sea Serpent was no picnic. The jobs were often dirty nasty affairs involving kidnappings, beatings, and worse. Maybe she should get out of that business while she was still young. She sniffed a violet. Ah, flowers! That was where she should be. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 However, the pigs didn't get much sleep, especially since a bunch of wolves decided to set up camp nearby and started drumming and howling."I thought that Wolfbane was supposed to keep wolves away," Porkchop said. "Not attract them." "So did I," Brains said, just as a knock came to the door. "Who do you think it is?" Oinky asked. "Probably a wolf," Brains said, walking up to the door. "Who is it?" he asked. "An old friend," came a familiar voice. "Forget it Huffer," Brains said. "There's no way that I'm letting you, or your friends, inside." "Okay Brains, but I wouldn't be surprised if you woke up without a house tommorrow." "What are you talking about?" "Wolfbane's like an apherdesiac to wolves, not a repelant, just to let you know. Also, tonight is one of those nights, especially for pure-blood wolves. Even as we speak they are taking pieces of your house back to the forest." Twiga Belinda was just about to quit her old job and start being a Flower Vender when she got a call on her Cell Phone"Yeah this is me?" Belinda said "Belinda this is Cecil." The Serpent's voice was agitated "While looking through my family cookbooks I discovered one of them is missing a recipe!" "What?" The Basisilisk said "My Old Girlfriend, y'know the frog,,.stole my grandmother's recipe for fried green tomatoes!" "Is that really important?' Belinda asked "Belinda my Granny told me to keep every recipe safe no matter what, and she's coming next week if she finds that recipe gone she'll write me out of the will!" Steve Ellen "So what do you want me to do about it?" Belinda asked. "What do you think? Find that recipe!" "But I'm all settled in here and just getting organized and comfortable." "Settled in!?" Cecil yelled through the phone. "What the hell are you talking about, Belinda? You're my agent! You don't 'settle in'! You go where I tell you and do your mission. What's gotten into you?" "I think I stopped to smell the roses, boss." "What?! Are you drunk, Belinda? I never knew you to act like this before. I'll call you back later and you better have yourself straightened out. Now go drink some black coffee. Good-bye." Oinky woke up shivering. "Brains! Our house is gone!" "Yeah. I know. Turns out the stupid wolves just loooove Wolfbane." "That flower-seller cheated us!" "Yeah!" Porkchop said. "Let's go find her and get our money back." "OK. Besides, we need to return the wheelbarrow to get our deposit back." "So now we get ALL our money back or we beat her up, right?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 However, saying right outside of where the house stood was Huffer. He looked at Brains and said, "I told you. Wolves just LOVE wolfbane.""Well we are going to deal with a cheating flower-seller. She sold us this and took our money," Oinky said. "Oh no you're not," Huffer said, standing up. "It's not her fault that you don't know anything about what you were buying. If anything, Brains should of known better. I told him about the properties of wolfbane back in school." "It's been several years since we graduated you know, and I've been busy with things." Twiga Daisy was hopping along to her Condo with her stolan recipe"I can't wait to try these tomatoes with a lump of crabmeat on top!" She said Meanwhile Roderick and Kate were about to retire for the night Steve Ellen "Come on, guys," Brains said. "Let's go build another house." He walked away. Oinky ran to catch up. "What are we going to build it out of this time, brains?" "Sugar," Brains said. "Sugar?" "Yeah, sugar." Oinky frowned. "But won't the sugar melt in the rain?" "No, because we're going to boil the sugar into hard candy. We'll pour it into molds while it's still hot and liquid. We'll make bricks with it. You ever try to eat a jawbreaker?" "Yeah! Those jawbreakers are super hard! You have good ideas, Brains!" "Thank you, Oinky, but it takes you and Porkchop to help me make it work." Cecil the Serpent sat drumming his fingernails against the tabletop. In ten minutes he was going to call Belinda again, and this time she better have the right answers. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Suddenly the phone rang."Where have you been?" He demanded, picking it up. "Did you get the recipe?" "The only recipe you'll be getting Cecil is that for a knuckle sandwich," came a familiar voice. "Huffer, sorry about that. I thought that you were Belinda." "Why do you want the pigs so bad?" Twiga Cecil was at a lost for words for a moment."There is a huge demand for PigSlaves." He said at last "I don't know why but EVERYONE here in Korea is talking about pigs." "Maybe it has something to do with the greeat pig conspirisy." Huffer said Steve Ellen "You heard about that?" Cecil said. "I thought it was top secret. That's why I didn't mention it. How much do you know?" "Very little," Huffer said. "Only that it involves pigs and a conspiracy." "That's like nothing," Cecil said. "Are you pranking me on this? You never heard of the Great Pig Conspiracy before, did you?" "I have to confess I made it up. I'm pretty shocked there is such a thing." "Well, there is, wolf friend, there is indeed, and if I were you I wouldn't speak another word about it. There are agents everywhere. Your loose lips could get you killed for a wrong remark." "Yeah," Huffer said. "Thanks for the warning. I could be cracking a joke one moment and pushing up daisies the next." "Why would you push daisies?" "It means I'd be dead and buried. You should visit America and learn our folk sayings." "I was born there, you numbskull. I'm only in Korea for the crime opportunities." "You didn't know the daisies thing." "That's because nobody knows everything. Hey, you're paying for this call. Are you just lonely and want to chat or do you have a reason to be calling me?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Yeah Cecil. If I were you, I'd start looking over my shoulder from now on.""What are you talking about Huffer?" "You've been running the MixMax diner haven't you?" "What do you mean? I'm not in the resturant business." "Your subordinates say otherwise," Huffer said. "They arn't as dilligint at removing paper trails as you are, and I have one that leads straight to you." "So what do want Huffer?" Cecil asked. "Do you want money? A mansion? A place in my crew?" "There's a young sheep who can't rest because of what your men did you her," Huffer said. "And I'm coming after you because of it." Steve Ellen "Now wait a minute-" Cecil began but there was a click and the phone went dead. Cecil hung it up. "If that mangy wolf thinks he can scare me he's got another thought coming." Then Cecil opened up his books and scanned down the list of his enterprises. "I'll be darned!" He muttered. "It says here I own a half-interest in the MixMax Diner. I wonder who owns the other half?" Brains and Porkchop and Oinky gazed at their completed masterpiece. "All candy!" Brains said. "If we get hungry we can eat the house!" Porkchop and Oinky laughed. "Let's sing the song!" Oinky said, so they all gathered hands and danced around in a circle singing: Who's afriad of the big Bad Wolf, Big Bad Wolf... Once again Roderick and Kate were standing in the royal garden watching the sunset. This time Roderick decided to give it a serious try and pulled Kate close to him and kissed her. "It took you long enough," she murmured. Then they melted together like two X-rated lovebirds in a gilded cage. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, back at the pigs' house, Brains felt his cellphone start to vibrate. He got it out of his pocket and saw that he had a new text message. It said, "Lisa Ewe, do you remember her? Well I do, and I found out who killed her. I'll be in contact, old friend." Twiga Brains was confused for a second he did not know what to do. Steve Ellen But Porkchop was shaking with rage. "That damn wolf! He'll never let that Lisa thing go! It was a childhood prank! Why can't he get over it?" Oinky frowned. "Are you talking about the time you tricked his girlfriend Lisa Ewe into the MixMax Diner where she was butchered and then you sent a box of her remains - lambchops, I believe - to Huffer along with a sarcastic note?" "Yeah, that's the incident." Brains and Oinky stared at Porkchop. "You still consider that an incident?! If we hadn't broken into the police station and stolen some incriminating papers you would be in jail now... or worse!" "And I appreciate that," Porkchop said. "Thank you for that. But can't you see how we've all moved on with our lives and yet that stupid wolf is still wallowing in the past letting something he can do nothing about eat at his heart and make him sick? He's a sociopath! He should be locked away." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "You know that as a wolf it would be understandable if Huffer ate a non-sentiant animal, like a rabbit, or even a sheep or a pig," Brains said. "But what you did, that was murder. Lisa was my friend. Sure, she and Huffer became an item, but she would always help me out when bullies knocked my textbooks out of my arms, and Huffer would corner those guys outside of school and beat them into pulps. They'd try to help me out, even when you guys wher picking on Huffer. As for you Porkchop, you became jellous of Huffer after Lisa chose him as her date for the Prom instead of you.""That sheep should of gone with me," Porkchop said. "After all, we have a slightly more similar diets, in that Huffer's a pure carnivore, while us pigs are omnivores, and sheep are herbivores." "Yes, but while they were together, Huffer didn't eat any sheep meat, and while me and him were friends, he didn't eat any pig meat," Brains said. "Now, while he won't eat any sheep meat, he tries to eat at least one meal a week that has the meat of a pig, such as bacon, porkchops, roasted ham, pork ribs, or anything like that." Twiga Daisy had been walking to the Pigs' new house with her batch of freshly made Fried Green Tomatatoes, when she heard the entire conversation through the Paper Thin walls of the Candy HouseShe got out her Cell Phone and called the King "Hello?" She said "Is this the King?" "I'm in the middle of taking a bath here!" The King said angerly into the phone "Sorry Milord." She said "But there is something you should know..." Steve Ellen The King wrapped a towel around himself. "Thank you for calling me, Daisy. I'll have both of them arrested right away." That evening Porkchop and Huffer found themselves in adjoining cells at the King's Jail. "Don't fall asleep," Huffer said. "I'm going to get you." "Oh shut up," Porkchop grumbled. "The only reason we are in jail is because of your stupid grudge. Can't you see how you are screwing up your life by hating me?" "Porkchop, you KILLED my girlfriend! I can't ignore that!" "She wasn't your girlfriend. She was a sheep! Sooner or later you would have eaten her." "No! I was going to give up being a carnivore for her! I was going to convert to Vegetarianism." Porkchop laughed sarcastically. "Oh sure, like THAT could ever happen. Face it, Huffer. You got all excited because a prey animal was dumb enough to have a crush on you. It was like dinner walking up and begging to sit down on your stove." "No, it was nothing like that. She made me see for the first time that if you put the whole Food Chain concept out of your mind, then all us living creatures are basically alike. It's wrong for us to kill each other, even for food." Porkchop grabbed the bars of his cell. "Ha! Then your philosophy should prevent you from killing me! Admit it! You have no such philosophy!" "Damn you, Porkchop! You will be the exception that proves the rule! Once you are dead then I really will convert... as a respectful tribute to my dead girlfriend, Lisa Ewe... that YOU MURDERED!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Besides, I'm not like you Porkchop," Huffer argued further. "I don't eat sentiant animals. You on the other hand do. I know very well that you worked for the MixMax Diner. You sent many a young person to their deaths in that place, and had some of the finish product.""And like you don't enjoy a good piece of resh tender meat," Porkchop said, with an evil chuckle. "I know very well that you want to eat some of the fools that are out there on the streets, especially the young ones. After all, those are the best tasting ones." "I don't kill people just to eat them," said Huffer. "The only reason I'd eat someone is if there was no other choice, and I'd make sure that their death was quick and painless. Also I'd pray for their soul, and mine. And I'd purposlly overcook the meat, so that I wouldn't get any enjoyment from eating the person. I doubt that you do even do half of that." "Ah, but I do pray, and give thanks, for the good meal that the person provides," Porkchop said, with an evil smile. "And I make sure that they are cooked just right, so that the juices are flaverful, and the meat just falls off the bones." "You know, the day your death comes, you'll find yourself dieing a thousand times." "And how do you figure that?" "My father Brian O'Malley was in the army, and raised me to have a sence of justice. He told me that a warrior dies once, but a coward dies a thousand times. On your dieing day you'll see the faces of all of those you've sent to their deaths, and I'll be there, enjoying every bit of suffering that you have." Twiga Kate found herself wandering the royal jail for reasons she would never fully understandShe caught sight of Huffer in his Cell and asked what had happened to him "All a big misunderstanding." Huffer said "All a big misunderstanding." "Well let me talk to the king and we'll get a fair trial." Steve Ellen The King listened thoughtfully to Kate's pleas that her friends get a fair trial. "Are you a lawyer?" he said. "No, your royal highness, but I know the difference between right and wrong." "Bah!" the King said. "The difference between right and wrong is measured by who has the bigger bank account. Have your friends hired lawyers yet?" "Uh, I don't think so." "Then you might as well expect to be visiting them in jail for a long time to come." Kate hurried back to the jail house and told Huffer and Porkchop what the King said. "You guys need lawyers!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Well here's an idea," said Huffer. "Ask the King how his glasses are. And ask him what was the reward for finding them and who was it that found them. Of course, if that doesn't work, tell him he's got the Prince of the Wolf Kingdom locked up in his jail house.""Are you really a prince?" Kate asked. "Yes, I am," Huffer said. "My grandfather on my mother's side is the King of the Wolf Kingdom. Needless to say, it might be in the King's best interest to set me free." Twiga "Oh." Kate said "Than I'll tell the King right away."She headed back to the King's chyambers "The things you learn about people in a single day." She said to herself Just than a rock with a note tied to it was tossed through Huffer's cell Huffer read the note and it said "Huffer, I belive you have to worry no longer, Porkchop will get what he desserves." Just than a Gaurd was bringing Porkchop his bread and water "It's about time!!" Porkchop said "I'm famished!" He took a bite out of the bread, as soon as he took one bite he turned purple and fell on the floor choking Steve Ellen Huffer chuckled. "I don't know who poisoned that pig, but I'm glad he did." Two guards hurried in and dragged Porkchop out of his cell and placed him on a stretcher and carried him away. Huffer scratched his chin. There was something odd about those two guards. It looked like they had little curly pig tails poking out from under their uniform jackets. "...and not only that," Kate was saying, "But his grandfather on his mother's side is the King of the Wolf Kingdom!" "Hmmm," the King said. "That does put a different shade of red on the apple." Just then a guard rushed in. "Sire, one of the prisoners has escaped!" "Was it the wolf?" the King asked. "No, sire! The pig!" When Brains and Oinky got Porkchop to a safe place, they gave him the antidote and threw away their stolen guard jackets. "Thanks, boys," Porkchop said. "You know, that wolf has caused so many problems for us it's a wonder we're still alive." Oinky grinned. "Awwww, Porkchop, who's afraid of the big bad wolf?!" "Certainly not I!" Brains said, and the three little pigs fell to the ground giggling. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, back at the castle, Huffer was in the dining room, along with the King."I'm sorry about the whole misunderstanding," said the King. "If I had known who you were you wouldn't have been locked up in the Jail house with those common criminals." "Yeah, you'd have me locked up in a five-star resort, and my stay would of been like a vacation," Huffer said, with with a sly chuckle. "What I don't understand is why do you portray yourself as a commoner instead of one of nobility at the very least?" the King asked. "Grandfather's philosophy is that the best way to understand the people is to live amongst them," Huffer said, taking a knife and cutting into a side of roast beef. "In fact, for a noble to keep their estate he, or she, must spend part of the year as a commoner in another part of the country, cut off from their money and servants, and such. Besides, he uses this as a way to know how high to set the taxes, so that they just grumble about paying them, instead of uprising in complete outrage." "Strange philosophy," said the King. "What does he think of you, and all of the trouble you've caused in my kingdom?" "Mild, compared to what the Ram King's planning to do to your kingdom if Porkchop isn't brought to justice," Huffer said. "And what is he planning to do?" the King asked. "Cut off our wool supply?" "Nope, take it over." "Why would he do that?" "It was his daughter Porkchop murdered." Twiga The King thought about that for a second than shiveredMeanwhile...Porkchop and his brothers were enjoying a good laugh when a second rock with a note tied to it came through the window It read 'Sorry Porkchop, you think you've got off scot free you have not, that Poison was not really going to kill you just make you sick, it has anouther effect too, by Midnight Porkchop you will become a Giant Dung Beetle!' Steve Ellen Porkchop started shaking. "Oh n-n-noooo! I don't want to become a giant dung beetle!" "Aw, quit your worrying," Brains said. "They're just trying to scare you. Have you ever heard of anybody turning into a giant dung beetle?" "N-n-no." "So don't worry about it. Now let's get some sleep. Uh... you better sleep out on the porch, Porkchop." "W-why?" "You know... just in case... you actually do... ?" "Oh noooooo! I AM going to turn into one, aren't I? We've got to do something!" Brains patted his shoulder. "Calm down. I don't think you will. I just didn't want to take any chances, that's all. I'm sure you will be fine. Oinky, do we have plenty of bug spray in the kitchen?" Porkchop threw up his hands. "Nooooo! Why is this happening to me?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Back at the castle, the King was asking Huffer how Porkchop managed to escape."I suspect his brothers had a hand in helping him escape," the wolf said."Family loyalty you know." Steve Ellen Porkchop tried to avoid going to sleep but around 11pm he was so sleepy his eyes shut and he nodded off. In the morning he woke up with a start. Something felt different. He looked at his insect legs and screamed! He was a dung beetle. His scream woke Oinky up. "What is it?" Oinky said and screamed when he saw Porkchop. Porkchop jumped up and scuttled out of the room. Brains woke up. "What's going on?" Oinky was white as a sheet. "It happened! Porkchop turned into a dung beetle!" Brains ran to the doorway. "Porkchop! Come back!" "Where's he going?" Oinky said. "I guess he's looking for a ball of dung." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "And here I thought that I was the dumb one," Oinky said, smacking Brains upside the head. "Come on! He's still our brother." Twiga Porkchop ran into the forest screaming high pitched insect screams, He tripped over a tree root and looked up, What he saw made him turn pale.A skeletal pig dressed in a black robe wearing a sythe Steve Ellen "No! No! Don't take me!" Porkchop screamed. The skeletal pig in the black robe had a deep voice. "I am the Lord of Bacon, come to make you pay for your sins. Your butt is mine, little piggy!" "Noooooo!" Porkchop screamed as the Lord of Bacon swung his mighty scythe. But the blade glanced off of Porkchop's hard beetle shell and Porkchop scuttled away as fast as he could. His running legs made a noise like someone crumpling stiff paper. Brains and Oinky followed the beetle tracks into the forest. When they came to the tree root where Porkchop had tripped, Brains said, "Smell that? He made some pee right here." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Do you think he ran into Huffer?" Oinky asked."I don't know," Brains said. "I don't smell anyone else here, except the scent of death." "Death? You think that someone died here?" "It's possible, but this wasn't recent." Twiga Porkchop ran around trying to avoid the Pig of DeathThe Pig of Death was as Old as Time he could walk through walls and stars and the like Meanwhile Kate was walking through the castle looking for something. Steve Ellen What am I looking for, Kate thought as she walked along. It was like being in a dream and she was watching herself. Somehow she was putting one foot in front of the other without knowing why or where she was going. All of a sudden a huge bronze door loomed before her. When she touched it, it swung smoothly and silently open as if it were perfectly balanced. Inside was darkness. Kate hesitated. Should she enter? Porkchop scuttled into the weeds. Behind him the deep bass voice of Lord Bacon, the Pig of Death, boomed out, "Run, little piggy, run, but you can't escape me. I have come to take you to Piggy Hell! Mwahahahaha!" The Death Pig's laugh was like thunder and Porkchop shook and trembled in his hiding place. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Oh what do I do? he thought. How do I get away from him?**** Meanwhile, back at the castle, Huffer was sleeping in a nice bed. This is lovely, he thought. The only thing that would make this better would be a good woman sharing the bed with me. Steve Ellen Huffer's ears pricked up. What was that noise? He resisted the urge to turn on a light. As he watched, the big bronze door to his room swung slowly inward. Standing there in the doorway, silhouetted against the light in the corridor, was a girl. It was Kate. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Okay, Huffer thought. What's the deal with this situation? Why is she standing in the doorway to my room? Shouldn't she be standing in the doorway to Prince Roderick's room? Twiga Kate realyzed where she was standing and blushed"I'm sorry Mr. Wolf." She said "I didn't mean to intrude." She began to walk away Steve Ellen Huffer sighed and lay back down but he couldn't get back to sleep. Well this is just great, he thought. Why did that woman have to push open my door? Maybe I'll get up and drink some warm milk. That will make me sleepy again.Meanwhile Kate had pushed open another door, hoping this time it was Prince Roderick's... but it wasn't. The Duke of Wickensnap sat up in his bed and twirled his moustache. "Well, well, well! What have we here? A young female adventuress exploring the castle?" He patted his bed beside him. "Come and explore, my dear. I love an adventure." Kate hurriedly backed out and shut the door. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 I hate this Restless Leg Syndrom or whatever it is I'm having, she thought to herself, as she continued to walk through the halls. It is really getting to be a bother. Then, she heard footsteps behind her. It better not be that Duke, she thought, turning around. Standing in front of her was a wolf that looked like Huffer, but something about him told Kate that the wolf wasn't Huffer. It could of been the fact that he was missing half an ear, or had an eyepatch, or maybe it was the wicked looking knife that he had in his hands. In any case, Kate knew that the wolf wasn't Huffer. Twiga "Do you know who I am?" The Wolf asked. "No," Kate said "I am the Wolf of Eternity." Steve Ellen Kate began laughing. "What's so funny?" the wolf said. "Hahahaha! The Wolf of Eternity! You look like some cutthroat off a pirate ship, a wolf pirate ship. Hahahaha!" The wolf raised his knife. "Shut up! I don't suffer to be ridiculed by foolish little girls who can't control their restless legs." Kate suddenly got serious. The knife looked pretty sharp. "OK, calm down. You don't know what I've been through." "What do I care what you've been through?" "Because I am Prince Roderick's girlfriend," Kate said, drawing herself up, "and he will call out his guards and have you killed if you try to harm me in any way." "Prince Roderick's girlfriend? Now it's my turn to laugh, little girl, because Prince Roderick is gay." "Oh. I didn't know that." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "And you know full well Kevin that that story is pure fiction," came Huffer's voice.At this, The Wolf of Eternity/Kevin turned around and saw Huffer standing behind him. "Ah, The Wolf of Vengance," he said. "How have you been doing?" All Huffer did however was give Kevin a left hook, knocking him out. "Doing better than you cousin," he said, looking at the unconcious wolf. He then looked at Kate and said, "Sorry about that. Kevin here was captured by pirates when he was a child and was hit one too many times on the head. He lost his mind, more or less." "Then what about Roderick being gay?" Kate asked. "Case in mistaken identity," Huffer said, with a chuckle. "He has, or had, a thing for long blond hair and blue eyes. And let's just say that someone, who was the same age as him, had that, and liked to wear dresses for some reason. Needless to say, don't worry about it. Roderick's straight. He likes girls. I don't know about blonds with blue eyes though." Twiga "Huh?" Kate said "Oh Deary dear Now I'm all confused."She than fainted Steve Ellen Kate woke up with a splutter. "Why am I all wet?" "I had to toss a glass of water on you when you fainted." "You had to?" "Well, that's what they do in the movies." Kate wiped the water off her face. "Did you mean what you said about long blonde hair and blue eyes?" "Huh?" Huffer said. "You know... what Prince Roderick likes?" "Oh. Right. You have blue eyes and I'm sure he likes your brown hair." "No, I'm going to dye my hair blonde. Then he will love it!" "Whatever," Huffer said. "Can you excuse me while I drag Kevin out of the hallway?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Of course," he continued, "I think that you look good just the way you are, in my personal opinion." "What are you talking about?" Kate asked. "Oh, wolves prefer woman with dark-colored hair," Huffer said. "At least, full-blooded wolves do." Twiga Kate looked in the refridgerator to find something to eat But there was noting in the refrigerator but some curdled milk, some eggs, and what looked like an old lizard pie. "Hmmm," Kate said. "I've never had lizard pie before. Maybe it's good." Roderick was walking down to the kitchen. He was also hungry and hoped to finish what was left of the lizard pie. Steve Ellen "What the hell!" Prince Roderick said when he saw Kate sitting there with lizard pie stains on her face and the empty pie plate in front of her. "You ate all me blooming lizard pie!" Kate jumped up. "I'm sorry! Really I am! I was so hungry!" "I reckon you were hungry to eat me whole pie!" "It wasn't a whole pie," Kate said. "Someone had already eaten several slices of it." "Well, yeah! And that someone would be me because it's me own pie that you ate!" "I'm sorry!" Kate said. "If I'd known you would be so obsessed about it, I would have... I would have..." "Yes, come on then? You would have what?" "I would have eaten it anyway!" Kate shouted and ran out of the room. Prince Roderick shook his head sadly. "If she had blonde hair she would be quite pretty." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 *SMACK!!!*"YEOW!!!! Who hit me?" the prince shouted, rubbing his head and turning around, only to find Huffer standing behind him. "What was that for?" "You needed it prince-boy," Huffer said. "That girl cares about you, and you'd throw it out over a lousy piece of pie? And as for that hair remark, she's pretty just as she is." Twiga Roderick rubbed his cheek where he had been smacked and sighed"I'm sorry Mr. Wolf." He said "I was just so horribly hungry after that Pig ate all our food and know it is taking forever to restock our kitchen!" "Bullshit!" Huffer said "You've temporarily run out of food for a day and think it is true hunger? I know true hunger!" Meanwhile Porkchop still in Dung Beatle form was still running away from the Lord of Bacon 'I think I've lost him.' Porkchop thought to himself he looked up and saw there was a feline like animal in the tree branches above the creatur sounding like it was weeping softly "Why? Why did I have to be a pig with the pie?!" Steve Ellen "Pssst!" Porkchop said. "Did you say you were a pig? You look like a cat." "I am a cat, you moron. Actually a cat girl. And you look like a dung beetle." "I'm not really a dung beetle," Porkchop said. "There was an unfortunate metamorphosis." "Meta who?" the cat girl said. "Transformation," Porkchop said. "Somebody fed me a special poison that does that to you." "Oooooo! That was a baaaad person!" "Yes, it was," Porkchop said. "Now I don't know what to do. Everybody hates dung beetles. By the way, my name is Porkchop." "My name is Kate," the cat girl said. "I don't particularly hate beetles. In fact, I like to chase them and catch them and toss them in the air. But not one your size. You're like a 200-pound bug. A little too big to have fun with." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "By the way, have you seen another person around here?" Porkchop asked."Yeah," Felix said. "A big pig-skeleton guy thing." "Where?" "Try behind you," came Death's voice. Twiga Prince Roderick meanwhile felt very guilty for yelling at Kate so he set out to find her.Along the way he passed some thorny bushes "I better be careful." The Prince said "Or I'll ruin my nice clothes." Just as he said that he tripped over a root and fell in a mud puddle Than on the seat of his trousers he felt something sharp like a needle prick him in his posteriar. "YEOOOOOWWW!" Roderick cried jumping in the air "Who did that?" "I did." Said a low growly voice "Well who are you?" Rod asked taking the pricker out of him Than what came out of the shadows What looked like an anthropomorphic throny bush! "Hi." The Bush said "I'm the Chilvary Fairy I punish dudes who are mean to ladies." Steve Ellen "The Chivalry Fairy! That's ridiculous!" Roderick said. The bush spread out his thorny branches. His voice was threatening. "Do I look ridiculous? Do you want to feel my thorns?" "Uh, no. So how did you know I was mean to a lady?" "The Chivalry Bush knows stuff like that. It's what we do." "Don't tell me there are more of you." "Yes! There are many Chivalry Bushes, so watch your step, buster! Be nice to the ladies!" Sir Roderick clasped his hands together. "I will! I promise!" Meanwhile, Porkchop was shivering and shaking as he turned slowly around to face the Death Pig. The Death Pig had glowing red eyes and was wearing a heavy black woolen cloak. "Aren't you hot in that cloak?" Porkchop said. The Death Pig had a voice like thunder. "I like it hot! What about you, piglet? Or perhaps I should say... BUG? Are you ready to burn in Hell?" Porkchop peed in his pants. "P-p-please don't kill me," he begged. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "KILLL YOU!? Why would I want to kill you?""Um, because I've done some bad things?" "True, but I'm not here for that. My daughter wants to marry you though." "What?!" "That's what I said. I mean, I thought that she'd at least pick a lawyer or a doctor-" "Um, that's not what I said 'what' to." "I got married, and the woman had a daughter from a previous relationship. Now she's of age and looking for a husband." Twiga Meanwhile Prince Roderick spotted Kate up a tree sobbing her little heart out.The Prince wanted to say sorry but hesited...Something inside himself worried something would be terribly wrong if he spoke to her now. CLONK! Something fell on his head...An empty Pie Dish Steve Ellen "Ouch!" Prince Roderick said. "Who's down there?" asked Kate and then she saw who it was. "Oh, it's you." "Yes, it's me. Look... I'm sorry the way I acted before. That was unnecessarily mean to you." Nearby, the Chivalry Bush gave Sir Roderick a two thumbs up gesture. "Apology accepted," Kate said. "And I'm sorry I ate all your pie. I guess that's something we have in common. We both like pie." "Yes, you're right," Roderick said. "That's why I want to invite you to a pie party at the palace. Just you and me. We'll eat lots of pie." "Really? That's wonderful! I accept!" Meanwhile, the Death Pig was showing Porkchop photos of his stepdaughter. "You can see it will be difficult to find anyone to marry her." Porkchop gulped. He had never seen such an ugly woman in his life. "Uh... what's her name?" "Maltrusa. Soon to be Mrs Porkchop. And as an unexpected bonus, you can have your piggy body back." "Uh, gee, thanks. Can I refuse this?" The Death Pig's eyes glowed red. "Try it and see what happens." Porkchop gulped again. Tough inlaws. "So when do I get my pig self back?" "On the day of the wedding." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "And when would the wedding be?" Porkchop asked nervously. "After all, I'd have to tell my brothers about it.""Oh any time you want it, in five minutes, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year-" Or how about never, Porkchop thought, as he heard the Death Pig keep on rambaling on, about how the whole family would be there, how the two of them would go to a remote and exotic hotel for the honeymoon, and more. Twiga Brains and Oinky stood in the meadow kind of sort of wondering what happened to their brother..."Porkchop sure has been gone a long time." Oinky said "Yeah." Brains said rubbing the back of his head "Even I'm starting to wonder." Than they saw the two loveboids...Kate and Roderick walking back to the castle...In his hands Roderick held a Stenless Lizard Pie (A replacement for the other one) "Hey look!" Brains said "The Prince and his Feline Girlfriend and they got Pie!" "Let's follow them and see if we can mooch anymore food out of them!" Oinky said Steve Ellen But although Prince Roderick and Kate passed easily through the castle entrance, the two guards lowered their spears when Brains and Oinky approached. "Halt! What business do you have within the castle?" Brains clamped his hand over Oinky's mouth because he could see Oinky was about to say they were following the Prince. But Brains couldn't think of any good reaon why they should enter the castle. "Uh... we came to see the fountain in the courtyard. Heard it's quite beautiful this time of year with the water all squirting up in the air and then falling back down with a splash." "Go away," the guard growled, "before I run you through with my spear. We've been told to admit no pigs." "Well I never," Brains muttered as he and Oinky trudged away. "I think we've been insulted." Inside the castle, Roderick and Kate were planning their party. "Can we have Lemon Meringue Pie?" Kate asked. "I love lemon meringue." "I do too!" Roderick said. "And Blueberry Pie!" Later that day Porkchop found Brains and Oinky. "Where have you been?" Brains said. "You'll never believe all that's happened to me. I'm going to marry the stepdaughter of Lord Bacon, the Death Pig." Brains and Oinky exchanged looks. "You're hallucinating, right?" Brains said. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "I've been turned into a dung beatle and you think I'm crazy.""Are you sure you weren't seeing things?" Oinky asked. "I mean, being changed can affect how one sees things." "How do you know that?" Brains asked. "I watch cartoons." Twiga Brains Oinky and Porkchop went back into there house of Candy.In the Middle of the night Oinky got hungry he began to nibble on the wall that was made of chocolate Steve Ellen By morning time Oinky was sick to his stomach and there was a hole in the wall. Brains began hitting Oinky over the head with a pillow and screaming, "Idiot! Moron! Chocaholic!" Porkchop rubbed his temples (actually the base of his antennae) and muttered, "Maybe marriage will be more peaceful than my current living arrangements." While the Three Little Pigs were eating their breakfast (all cereal, no bacon or ham) a messenger from the Death Pig arrived. "Your wedding will be at 3 o'clock this afternoon." "What?!" Porkchop said. "So soon? I don't have anything to wear!" "Everything will be provided," the messenger said. Porkchop spent the morning so worried that he couldn't eat any lunch. "I'm going now to get ready. You guys be sure to get there before 3 o'clock." "We will," Brains said. "I wouldn't miss this for the world. My brother getting hitched up to... uh... a wonderful woman." "Yeah, yeah," Porkchop said. "Just be there." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Well, we best wear our best outfits," Brains said. Twiga Brains and Oinky both had suits made out of candy Brains had one made out of Liquorice...Oinky had one made out of Gumdrops Steve Ellen "Are you sure we won't look freaky?" Oinky said. "I mean, pigs dressed in candy? That might make a few jaws drop." "Are you kidding?" Brains said. "The best man is a Death Pig and the bride is the Ugliest Woman InThe World. I don't think Pigs In Candy will be the star attraction at this show." "Yeah, I guess you're right. You know, ever since we were babies it's always been Porkchop who got in the most trouble." Brains nodded in agreement. "I wish Mama could be here to see this wedding." "May her soul rest in peace," Oinky said. At the chapel, Lord Bacon, the Death Pig, was barking out orders. "More crepe paper! This is a festive occasion, not a funeral! Are there enough party hats? And I want at least five flavors of ice cream with that cake. And one of those flavors better be Rocky Road. Everybody knows Maltrusa loves Rocky Road." "How many guests from the groom's side?" asked an usher. "Just two - his brothers. Unless they had time to round up some more. Reserve a row for them." Maltrusa stumbled in, tripping over her long velvet train. "Daddy, I don't see why we had to do this so quickly." "Darling," Lord Bacon said, "the sooner you get married the sooner I can rest easy. Don't you want to get out of the house and live on your own?" "Sure, Daddy, but somebody said you're marrying me to a dung beetle. A dung beetle, Daddy?" "Hahaha! That's only temporary. When he gets married he will transform into a nice pig." "Oh. Yes. That sounds better. I guess." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, Huffer was enjoying a nice snooze when something hit him in the face, causing him to wake up. As he opened his eyes, he found himself looking at a flyer for a wedding."I wonder who it's for?" he muttered. Twiga Huffer looked at the flyer and saw that the church would not be far from here Steve Ellen Huffer shook his head in surprise. "Who in the world would marry that dumb little pig? I've got to see this." A surprisingly large crowd had gathered for the wedding, but then the Death Pig had a lot of pull in the community. Nobody wanted to get on his bad side, so they all turned out for his step-daughter's marriage. Even Little Bo Peep was there, and she hated weddings ever since her shepherd boyfriend left her standing at the altar looking dumb with her wedding gown, staff, and six sheep. Somebody had yelled out, "Why don't you marry one of those sheep?" and Bo Peep had run away in shame. Reynard the Fox came over to talk to Huffer. "Well, look who it ain't, the Big Bad Wolf. I heard you ain't so big and bad these days, friend." "Try me," Huffer said. "I'm bigger and badder than ever." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "Besides, I don't have to be big or bad. The Presidant of the Mother Hens Assosiation is over there on the Bride's side." Steve Ellen "What's that got to do with the price of eggs in China?" Reynard said and they both laughed, not because it was funny, but just to relieve the tension. Little Bo Peep heard them laughing and walked over to stand and glare at them. She pointed a finger at each of them and said, "Sheep killers!" in a hoarse, raspy voice. Then she stomped away. "Wow," Reynard said. "That chick has really gone over the edge." Huffer shrugged. "She's never been quite the same since she got dumped by that shepherd." "Little Boy Blue?" "Is that who it was? He wasn't much of a shepherd." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "I hear that he is always getting into touble with women.""What else is new? What do you think about the wedding?" Twiga (By the way Steve thanks for putting Kate and Roderick in the character cast)Porkchop found himself marching down the asle with his soon to be bride Steve Ellen "I think I'm going to cry," Oinky said. Brains punched his arm. "Stop that! It's just a wedding." Porkchop had his pig body back. He was wearing a blue satin tuxedo that looked really spiffy on him. His bride Maltrusa wore a veil that covered her face. Everybody was glad about that. At the end of the ceremony a crate of butterflies was opened up and they fluttered into the sky. Later, at the reception, Lord Bacon handed out cigars to everybody. "Where are they going on their honeymoon?" someone asked. "Honolulu." There were giggles. "If there is any place with a funnier name than Honolulu I would like to hear it!" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Then it was time for the cake sceen, and Maltrusa had to lift up her veil for it. Twiga Kate and Roderick were finishing off their last slices of Stenless Lizard Pie.Kate's sister Anne walked in "Have you two just been eating pie all afternoon?" The Young Girl asked "Pretty Much." Roderick said Steve Ellen Kate belched. "Oh! Excuse me!" Anne rolled her eyes. "Must you make a pig of yourself, sister Kate? And speaking of pigs, there was an interesting wedding today." "Who cares?" Roderick said. "Tell me about it," Kate said. "You remember that ugly Maltrusa? She married that pig Porkchop that was running around the palace a couple of days ago." Kate put her hand over her mouth. "Oh no! How did THAT happen? Is Maltrusa thrilled?" "She should be glad to get a husband of any kind, but I suspect her father was the driving force. I don't think Maltrusa ever even met the pig until the wedding day." Kate laughed. "That is so ridiculous! Roderick, I am glad we'll already know each other when we get married." Roderick spit out a mouthful of pie. "Huh?! What? Marriage?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "I can see it now, with a nice long train of people, plenty of food, dancing.""Dancing!" "And the representatives from various kingdoms,-" Oh no, Roderick thought. What did I do to deserve this? Twiga "My boy" Said the king "You have been a bacholor for far too lo Steve Ellen Roderick threw up his hands. "I'm only 23!" The King shrugged. "I was married and wearing a crown by the time I was 19." "Yes, well it's hard for me to wear the crown when YOU are wearing it, isn't it?" "That doesn't mean you can't get married though," the King said. "However, this Kate girl is not a good choice. She's just a commoner. You should marry a princess." "I don't know any princess who is as friendly as Kate. That's all Kate and I are, just friends." "Does Kate know that?" the King asked. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "I don't think she does," Roderick said. "In fact, she is already planning the wedding.""You need to explain things to her then," the King said. "A member of the Royal family should not marry a commoner." "Then Kate would be an acceptable choice for your son," Huffer said, walking between the two of them. "How did you get here?" the King asked. "I mean, you are of Royal blood, but how did you get in here unanounced?" "I have my ways," Huffer said, with a chuckle. "Well, what about Kate's ancestory?" Roderick asked. "She has told me that she is the daughter of Puss in Boots." "Well, the famed ogre-slayer is really an ill-legitiment son of the second son of the King of Cats." Twiga "Oh..." Roderick said "Than that would mean in a very obscure way...Kate is a Princess.""What do you mean Obscure?!" Kate's sister Anne stormed into the room "We're both Princess...Kate's Mother is a Queen...My Father is King." "Oh." Said the King if that's it than I'll happily arange the marriage." Steve Ellen "Um, wait a minute," Roderick said. "I thought we had agreed that I would continue my happy-go-lucky ways unencumbered by any marriage vows?" "No," the King said. "We agreed that you would talk to Kate. Maybe she will change your mind." So Roderick went and found Kate. "Kate, darling, I should have said something when you mentioned marriage before but you know that you and I are just friends. We are not engaged or anything." Kate started crying. "Oh how can you treat me like this, Roderick? You had your way with me and then you want to toss me aside." "Huh? We didn't do anything but kiss. I haven't tossed you aside. I said I want you for my friend." "So you can go sleep with some hussy? Never! I misjudged you, Roderick! I thought you were a decent human being. Go away and never speak to me again!" "Huh? What are you talking about? We're friends! We-" "GET OUT! GET OUT RIGHT NOW!" Kate slammed the door shut on him. When Roderick returned to the King's room, the King asked him, "So how did your talk go?" "Not very well. I think she dumped me." "Awwww. So I guess that 'friends' idea wasn't too good, eh?" BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "No, it's called 'Wedding Syndrom'," Huffer said, showing up between the pair."I told you to stop doing that," the King said. "What's Wedding Syndrom?" Roderick asked. "It's when a person sees a wedding and wants to get married themselves," Huffer said, with a chuckle. "Too bad I don't have any personal experiance with it." Steve Ellen "But how do I cure Kate of this syndrom?" Roderick said. Huffer shrugged. "Well, they say marriage cures it." "You know what I mean!" Huffer grinned. "Oh, you want a cure that doesn't involve marriage, eh? Hmmm... difficult. You could become engaged, but set the wedding date like three years in the future." Roderick rubbed his chin. "That's not a bad idea. Then Kate would have her desire to be married satisfied, but I wouldn't be married, just engaged. And three years is a long time. By then she might be over it." "Or she might be over you," Huffer said. BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Meanwhile, Porkchop was having problems of his own. Not only was Maltrusa ugly, she was big, and heavy, and expected him to carry her up the stairs to the Honeymoon-room.How do I keep getting into these messes? he wondered. Twiga Porkchop looked at his 'wife' and felt like he would puke!He did...And instanly returned to his dung beetle form Steve Ellen "Eeeek!" Maltrusa screamed. "You're a bug!" "Dang it!" Porkchop said. "How did this happen?" "Daddy! Daddy!" Maltrusa yelled and went running down the corridor to Lord Bacon's wing of the mansion. After a moment Porkchop followed. Porkchop found Maltrusa crying at her Daddy's knee. "...and then he turned into a dung beetle, Daddy!" Lord Bacon looked up from patting his daughter's head when Porkchop entered. "I guess I forgot to warn you, son. If you fail to perform your marital duties, you lose your pig body and go back to being a bug." "But she wanted me to carry her up the stairs!" "Let me show you how to lift with a straight back. You have to use your legs. Never try to lift with your back muscles. Come over here and lift Maltrusa. You might be stronger as a bug." After much effort Porkchop got Maltrusa on his back so he could carry her. He stumbled down the hall, up the stairs, and into the bedroom. Lord Bacon accompanied him all the way offering encouragement. "You can do it, boy!" When Porkchop collapsed onto the bed with Maltrusa, Lord Bacon said. "And now for the change..." And Porkchop was a pig again, an exhausted pig. "Alright, boy," Lord Bacon said. "Now for an intense night of passionate honeymoon love... or you know what will happen, right?" "Yes, sir," Porkchop said. "Bug." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 Porkchop then looked at Maltrusa and thought, I hope she isn't one of those "Dominate types", and will let me get on top of her. I don't feel like getting squashed. Twiga Kate found herself crying in her room the poor little catgirl wanted to just die.Roderick sat in his room listenening to the ladie's sobs Unbenownst to him but knownst to us the little Cupid Eros had secretly entered his room and about to shoot the arrow of love into his heart Steve Ellen Roderick fell over backwards off his chair, clutching at his heart. Cupid put his hand to his mouth and said, "Oops!" and quickly flew out the window. Roderick crawled out into the hall where a passing servant rushed to his aid. "My chest!" Roderick gasped, then collapsed. When Roderick woke up he was in his bed. Standing by were the doctor, the King, and Kate. "He's awake now," the doctor said. "Oh, Roderick!" Kate said. "I was so worried!" "What happened?" Roderick asked. The doctor patted his arm. "Just a mild heart attack. A little rest and you will be as good as new." BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3 "HEART ATTACK? How could it be one of them? I'm not even thirty.""I think I know how," Huffer said, entering the room, and startaling the King yet again. "You had a visit from Cupid." "What are you talking about?" the King asked. "And why do you keep sneaking up on us and trying to give ME a heart attack?" Twiga Huffer shook his head sadly "I do belive." Huffer said "That you and Kate are truly meant to be together."Roderick looked at Kate than at the King than at Huffer and asked "Do you really truly think that?" Steve Ellen "Yes I do," Huffer said. Kate was about to ask why a wolf should be considered an expert on love but she held her tongue since he was saying what she wanted to hear. It wasn't what Roderick wanted to hear, but the heart attack had scared him. Even if it wasn't a heart attack and was just cupid attack it still made him realize life was short and he wasn't getting any younger. Maybe it was time to get married. "Kate," Roderick said. "Will you marry me?" "I will!" Kate said, and hugged him. THE END .......................... EPILOGUE Kate and Roderick lived happily ever after, of course. Surprisingly, so did Porkchop and Maltrusa. Oh sure, they yelled at each other a lot ("You fat pig!" ... "You ugly bitch!") but they always made up and got all smoochy-woochy again. (Disgusting!) Brains and Oinky remained single and built a nice brick house with extra bedrooms. Another big surprise: Huffer moved in with them. He wasn't often there because Huffer likes to travel around, but still, that's where his mail came. ............................... Got any new campfire ideas? I want to team up a wolf and a cat as adventuring buddies. They argue a lot, but they get the job done. Maybe they are tomb robbers. I'm in the mood for a campfire that takes place in the jungles of an alien world as Wolf and Cat search for an ancient alien artifact known as The Wonder Relic. Hmmmm, what do you think of those as character names, just Wolf and Cat? OK, I'm going to start that campfire, but I'm still interested in ideas. Steve Ellen EXTINGUISHED!The End! © Copyright 2010 Steve Ellen, BBWOLF Turning 23 6/3, Twiga, (known as GROUP). All rights reserved. GROUP has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
 Log In To Leave Feedback |
Static Items
Books
Forums
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
