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Enter the Arena
It's like the Hunger Games...with Furries...and singing. |
| [Introduction]
OK I'm going to save everybody some time and give you a brief low down of how this story is going to go. The heroes are now on Paradise and are separated, Matoaka, Minsk, Samantha, Jordan Marzipan, Kate and Thomas are rescued by the sewer dwellers, peaceful Humanimals who reject the decadence of the surface world led by Queen Nine Tails the vixen (No she is not a Pokemon!) And her Daughter Princess Vixy. The Queen's right hand man is Mr. Chips an Orangutan who knows someone on the surface world. Bill, Jim and Bob are captured and forced to fight in the arena, in a cross between WWE and more typical gladiator games Edward and Ichabod are forced to be strippers in two different seedy clubs. Zander and Rook have disappeared. Here are the three gladiators that Bill, Jim and Bob face, who might not be so bad once you get to know them The Shaggy Dog Old English Sheepdog, the biggest of the trio the 'dumb muscle' of the group. Electro: Electric Eel, ruthless fighter, self appointed leader of the group. Splash Claw: Basilisk Lizard Small and speedy fighter, arguably the smartest of the trio, seems to have a crush on Electro. |
| Ichabod and Edward had been sent to two different clubs, Ichabod had been sent to The Red Curtain of Love, Edward had been sent to the Purple Curtain of Love. The Ironically named Paradise 5 was a planet where the Humanimals had lived so long without human influence for so long they had returned to their wild state! The Humanimals raped and ate each other! Ichabod and Edward were the first Humans that the Humanimals of Paradise 5 had seen in many generation, they were curious about the fleshy nature of Homo Sapiens. "Look for the last time I am not going to strip!" Ichabod yelled at Pocho the evil Crocodile Man who ran the Red Curtain of Love Ichabod was dressed in a green tunic and tights, it made him look like Peter Pan (The only thing missing was the hat) "It's embarrassing enough you put me in this stupid Peter Pan outfit!" Ichabod fumed "Now I got to strip to?!" Pocho sneered "You will sing. And you WILL strip...If you want your friends to live.." "What do you mean?" Ichabod asked Pocho turned on a TV "Your friends are about to fight in the arena," Pocho said "Their survival depends on two things how well they can fight and how well you can sing." |
"How is that possible?" Ichabod said. "Very simple. Electrodes in the chairs of the audience pick up their reactions to fighting and singing. If they don't like either one, then things will not go well for your friends." "But what shall I sing?" Pocho threw an armful of sheet music at him. "The band knows these quite well but you can sing anything you like and they will try to accompany it." Ichabod glanced through the tunes. He had never heard of most of them. Will He Whack A Weasel When We Wed? had a particulary gruesome picture on its cover. A more pleasant-looking song was Tricycle Built For Three which had a pic of three very cute possum babies vigorously pedaling a three-seater tricycle. |
| "We edited the lyrics of the second one to be more suggestive..." Pocho said. Ichabod shuddered, he knew what that meant, it was a song about raping children. "I know a song." Ichabod said "It's from my home planet of Earth...It's called My Unfortunate Erection." "Sing a little of it." The Crocodile said "Ichabod sang the first few lines. "That's a good one!" Pocho laughed "I think I know what you're talking about, in our museum of humanity we keep a whole slew of human artifacts including music CDs! I'll go down to the museum and see if I can download that song so the band can learn the music. Meanwhile the Terrific Trio, Bill the Bull, Jim the Squirrel and Bob the Catfish were getting prepared for their first fight, they were stripped down to the nude. A Whippet Sports Announcer named Telu was the Master of Ceremonies tonight "Ladies and gentlemen you CAN NOT be ready for the battle of the worlds contest!" Telu threw his microphone in the air and caught it "Let's meet our smoking hot contestants!" The three warriors Bill,Jim and Bob were meant to fight stepped into the ring. "First, hailing from the middle of the road, the Prince of Plain, the Master of Mundane...It's The Shaggy Dog! An Old English Sheepdog stepped into the light he flexed his muscles for the audience. "And next!" Said Telu "Our returning champion! The Electric Eel...Electro!" Electro let out a roar and sent sparks of electricity into the air. "And from the primordial rain forests of South America...the Lizard who can walk on water...Splash Claw!" A Basilisk Lizard stepped into the light and flicked his tongue at the audience. Bill, Jim and Bob stepped into the ring, Telu called out their names in an uncaring way. "And Bill, Jim and Bob." Telu turned to a VERY male fox who was wearing a pink tutu and tiara. "Yiff Fairy!" Telu said "Hit me with the rules!" The Fox was the Yiff Fairy, he explained the rules, in his thick New York Accent "All right you little Yiff Monsters listen up smart! No one is allowed to Yiff members of their own team, only the enemy team, the winning team gets to rape and eat the losing team." "Eat them?!" Jim exclaimed he turned to Bill "Doesn't that Fox know the two of us are herbivores?!" |
The Fox threw a look at them. "Don't worry, we don't discriminate against nobody here." "It's not just a question of discrimination," Jim said. "It's no prize to us to be able to eat the other team. In fact, we don't care much about the raping either. Can't we get some money or a trophy or something?" "Aw shaddup! You knew the rules when you signed up!" "We were captured and forced to sign!" The crowd grew restless. "Enough jawing!" the Fox proclaimed. "Let's get this show started!" |
| Bill raised his hand "Since we're non-natives here can we at least have a few minutes to plan our strategy? It's only fair..." "Where's the fun in playing fair?" Telu said with a sneer "...Oh go ahead...Go and plan...Like it'll make a difference..." The three of them huddled up. "OK." Bill said "Shaggy is clearly the strongest of the group I think he's the one I should fight." "And Splash Claw is the small and speedy type." Jim said "That's my area of expertise." The two boys turned to Bob, Bob sighed "So I guess that leaves me to fight Electro..." he sighed "Well..." Bill said "You are both fish..." "Closely related fish at that." Bob said "As electric eels aren't really eels at all they're actually species of knifefish which is a close relative of us catfish." "Do you think you can handle his electricity?" Bill asked "For a long time I've wondered."Bob said "Is my psychic power just clairvoyance or is there more...Recently I had a dream I developed telekinesis I went to the forest by myself to practice for weeks and after a lot of practice I developed the ability to throw psychic force waves at objects and creatures." |
"Let's hope your telekinesis works tonight," Bill said. "Now listen. All three of them might try to gang up on one of us and take him out early. Then they would have the advantage of three against two for the rest of the fight. So we have to be on our guard against that." "Maybe we could use that strategy ourselves," Jim said. "Maybe. But I think we better concentrate on having a strong defense rather than any kind of tricky offense. They know this arena a lot better than we do." |
| Bill, Jim and Bob walked up to the Terrible Trio. Bill looked at the other two "Maybe we can scare these guys off by bluffing." Bill whispered to his two companions "Let me try this." Electro smirked "Well, Little Cubs! Are you ready to be beaten to a bloody pulp by the greatest warriors in the universe?" Jim and Bob were offended "Cubs?!" Bob growled "Who the hell does he think he's addressing?!" Bill covered Bob's mouth "I'll handle this Little Bro." Bill walked right up to Electro. "I can see that this primitive planet doesn't recognize us." Bill smack talked "We're no ordinary Humanimals! We're the Humanimals of Nuthanger Farm we're the toughest, meanest, baddest Humanimals in the universe! So if you value you're live I suggest you back out now." This only succeeded in making Electro angry, he sent bolts of electricity in every direction "Why you sniveling little whelp!" The Electric Eel hissed with anger "You snot nosed..." "Whoa! Electro!" Splash Claw said "Let's tone down the language before the match huh?" |
"Bah!" Electro said. "Let's get this rumble started. We're gonna CRUSH them!" Telu sent the words out through the PA system that he used to fire up the crowd. "Are you ready to rumble?" And a mighty roar came back from the assembled mob of spectators. The Arena was even more popular than Paradise 5 Idol, a show where amateur singers could try to make it big. The contestants spaced themselves evenly around the ring. A silver ball began to climb up a line hanging over the stage. When it reached the top it would explode into sparklers and the fight would begin. The crowd had a special cheer they used while the ball climbed it's cord. The cheer began very low and built up higher and higher until the ball exploded. |
| Meanwhile in the lair of the peaceful Sewer Dwellers, Princess Vixy the Red Fox Woman camp by with bad news. "Minsk, Marzipan." She said "The scouts have found your lovers, but where they are is not pretty." Where are they?" Both girls asked at once "Ichabod has been sent to the Red Curtain of Love which has only male clients...Edward has been sent to the Purple Curtain of Love which has patrons of both genders." "What are they going to do with them there?" Marzipan asked "They sing bawdy songs and they strip for the audience." |
Both Minsk and Marzipan gasped and put the backs of their fists to their mouths. "Say it is not true!" Minsk said. "I am afraid it is all too true," Vixy said. Minsk fell to her knees, sobbing. "Oh my poor Edward! To be so humiliated this way! Why... he might kill himself over this!" Her eyes became wide-eyed with alarm. Marzipan tried to comfort Minsk but she was thinking that Ichabod would also be under great stress. "Please!" Vixy said. "I did not mean to disturb you so much. I am sure both Edward and Ichabod are alive and well." |
| Marzipan had gumption, she was not afraid of getting hurt. Minsk was exactly the same, but her plan was much different. "Minsk." Marzipan said "There is only one thing to do! We must go to the surface and rescue our men!" "I couldn't agree with you more!" Minsk said Marzipan snapped her fingers at Jordan the Red Squirrel and Samantha the Human. "Girls." Marzipan said "I have a plan on how to get into the Red Curtain of Love...I need the two of you to help me." "I'll go alone." Minsk said Matoaka put her hand on Minsk's shoulder "Are you sure?" The Unicorn asked "Are you sure you don't want me to accompany you?" "Captain I am a Mink." Minsk said "We are members of the weasel family, we are known for being sly and underhanded." She placed her hands on her large breasts. "I have a plan to get into that strip club using my womanly charms." Marzipan was a bit creeped with that "OK..." She said "Best of luck to you." She turned to her two cadets, "I have a plan too but it doesn't involve acting like a hussy." "What do you have in mind?" Jordan asked "I'm going to rely on that old cartoon standby...DRESS UP LIKE PLANTS!" So they raided Queen Nine Tails' camouflage department and found suitable disguises Marzipan was a cactus, Samantha was a tree, Jordan was a bush. "Ow!" Jordan complained as the three of them tiptoed through town "These thorns are pricking me! Why do I have to be the bush?" "You're the smallest Jordan." Marzipan replied "And also we couldn't find another cactus or tree in the props department." |
The Red Curtain of Love was located on a secluded side street. "We can't just walk in like this," Jordan said. "I've thought of that," Marzipan said. "We'll have to be carried in. I ordered a dozen roses to be delivered there. When the florist truck arrives, we'll slip inside, and they will think the florist left us with the roses." "I don't know..." Jordan said. "That doesn't sound like a surefire plan." "There are no surefire plans." |
| Suddenly a Grumpy Rhinoceros Guard interrupted them. "Halt!" He said "Who goes there?" The three girls were terrified, unable to let out so much as a squeak! Then Marzipan said "We're redecorating!" "Redecorating?" The Rhino said "Yeah." Marzipan said she was aware all Rhinos have really bad eyesight and this one wasn't even wearing any glasses! We're bringing in new potted plants for the vestibule!" "What's taken you guys so long?" The Rhino huffed "We've been waiting for you guys for days! Come in! Come in!" |
"That was a lucky break," Jordan whispered. They were inside the club now. "Freeze!" Marzipan said. All three girls assumed frozen "potted plant" positions as a couple of people walked by. "Now move it!" Marzi said and they tiptoed down the hallway until they had to freeze again. So far their plant disguises were working beautifully. |
| Finally they were in the main room...The Room smelled of burly male patrons, and of...indiscreet body odors...Terrible things were done in this room." "Fellow Paradise 5 Denizens!" Came Pocho's voice |
"I bring you tonight!" Pocho continued. "Fresh from the Islands of Never Never Land! ... Naked Peter Pan!" There were cheers and whistles as Ichabod was pushed out on stage in his green tights. "Sing a song!" someone called out. "Yeah! Sing for your supper, Peter!" In a quavering voice, Peter, er... Ichabod, began singing the first lines of My Unfortunate Erection. Fortunately, he didn't have an unfortunate erection. When I walked out on the streets of Laredo My pants were so tight I thought my thing would be shown So I thought of ice water, cold swims, and spaghetti Of a big ugly girl I once knew named Betty. The audience clapped and hooted and Ichabod was glad they seemed to be on his side... so far. |
| Ichabod's voice had a curious effect on Marzipan, she felt strange feelings she never felt before, she reached a paw down to the space between her legs. Jordan nudged her "What do we do know?" Jordan asked Marzipan didn't answer...She was masturbating! Suddenly two patrons a burly world and a fat tiger, smelled something funny in the air. "I smell...The Tiger said "A feminine presence..." "I smell..." The Wolf said "A cat in heat!" A large snake knocked over the disguises with his tail, the music stopped and all the burly male patrons noticed the three feminine intruders. "And now for my next impression..." Marzipan said nervously "Jesse Owens!" With that the three girls started running like the Roadrunner and Speedy Gonzales combined with the patrons in hot pursuit. |
In the confusion Ichabod ran backstage and climbed up into the rafters. His plan was to stay there until the club closed and then sneak out of the building. Unfortunately... the Red Curtain of Love never closed! Meanwhile, the three running girls raced just inches ahead of the enraged mob of clubgoers, who were now not only enraged but aroused by the smell of cats in heat. "I'm getting tired!" Samantha gasped. |
| Ichabod heard Marzipan shriek! Ichabod felt a horrible feeling of dread, he raced over to the emergency exit. Marzipan was in the clutches of a tiger man about to eat her. Ichabod jumped down and using his massive feet he landed on the tiger's head with a thud. Then Ichabod heard a ripping sound. "That. Can not. Be good." He said Sure enough there was a rip in the seat of his tights exposing his petite posterior. |
Marzipan giggled when she saw it. But there was no time for giggling. The chase was still on. Ichabod and Marzipan ran like there was no tomorrow. In the confusion they had become separated from Samantha and Jordan. Those two had managed to find a hiding place. They were sitting in a dumpster hoping no one would look there. "Yuck!" Jordan said. "It stinks in here." |
| Ichabod and Marzipan ran right out of the building. Despite running as fast as roadrunners, they managed to talk to each other. "What are you doing here?!" Ichabod finally managed to ask "Saving your bacon." Marzipan said "That's great." Ichabod said "But did you think about your own?" "No time for chit chat." Marzipan said "We really got to move it! Bill, Jim and Bob are being forced to fight to the death!" Meanwhile in the Arena Bill, and Jim were really having their tails handed to them and Bob was the only one putting up an actual fight, using his psychic 'force waves' to block Electro's electricity. |
At one point, when Bill and Jim happened to be thrown to the floor near each other, Bill said, "This is not going well." He knew it was going worse than he thought when Jim didn't even have the strength to reply. If something didn't happen soon they were going to lose the fight. |
| Thankfully , it was time for the half time show, which featured the taped footage of Ichabod singing My Unfortunate Erection. The crowd whooped and cheered during the song which caused the Humanimals secretly running the arena, to get notes from the Gryphon Lords what to do next. 'Change in plans' The Note said "Make to home team lose.' |
"Awwww, crap!" Splash Claw said when he got the news, but Shaggy Dog and Telu just shrugged. They were veteran fighters and had seen it all. Win or lose, made no difference to them. Splash Claw still had some fire in his belly and imagined himself becoming a world champion. "Champion of what?" Shaggy would tease him. "A phoney baloney fight game that's rigged for the gamblers?" But Splash Claw thought Shaggy was just bitter because he never became a champion. The buzzer sounded to begin the second half. |
| Splash Claw and Electro refused to give up the fight, not since they were so close to killing their opponents! However on Paradise 5, they have ways of getting fights fixed. Bill, Jim and even Bob were so tired they couldn't fight anymore, Electro decided to perform his signature move, the thunderbolt. Electro began charging up, building electricity to finish them all off with But then someone stuck Electro's tail in a toaster. It was just like sticking a fork in a toaster, only it caused Electro to overload with electricity and shock himself! Electro fell down, not quite dead but close to it. |
That made Splash Claw realize that going against the wishes of the boss might not be such a good idea so he clutched his chest, moaned "You got me!" and fell over on the mat. The audience immediately began booing. "What just happened here?" Jim said. Bob looked at the limp bodies of their opponents. "I think we won." |
| Ichabod and Marzipan ran into the arena, Ichabod gasped when he saw his buddies wounded and bleeding bodies. "Oh Gods!" Ichabod cried, he rushed over to the ring and climbed over the ropes. His petite little butt was exposed and the audience laughed at him but at this point Ichabod did not care. He rushed over to his friends "Bill! Jim! Bob! You guys OK?" "I'm a little tender, but I'm OK." Bill said "I've been better." Jim said as he started getting his second wind. "I'm just fine." Bob said Splash Claw however looked the Electro, his crush and caressed his head. "You guys look like you need urgent medical care!" Ichabod said "We'll be OK." Bill said "All we need his some bandages and antiseptic and we should be good." "I don't think the same could be said for the electric eel though." Bob said Ichabod turned around and saw the fallen Eel. "OMG!" Ichabod said "What happened to him?!" "Got his tail stuck in a toaster." Splash Claw said sadly "That's terrible!" Ichabod said "Where's the hospital? I'll take him there!" "There are no hospitals in Paradise 5." Shaggy Dog said "On Paradise 5 it's kill or be killed, the in the arena you either live or die." "Well let me take him where I can treat him with medicine!" Ichabod said "It's illegal to heal a gladiator after he's been mortally wounded..." Shaggy began to say "OH SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" Ichabod finally snapped Shaggy and Splash Claw nearly jumped out of their skins, they never heard anyone use that kind of tone with them before! Ichabod marched right up to them, he was as big as Splash Claw and have the size of Shaggy but he had twice their character, he looked them in the eyes and they trembled, the Humanimals of Paradise 5 had gone for so many generations without seeing a human that they had forgotten how scary humans can be, especially their eyes. Animals generally don't look each other in the eyes unless it is a challenge for dominance and in nature the most dominant animal is not always the biggest or strongest, but the one with the most willpower... ...And Ichabod had plenty of that. Finally Shaggy relented "The healing springs." He said bowing his head low. "What?" Ichabod said "The healing springs." Shaggy said "They're in the forest outside the city, they can heal anything, bring you back from the brink of death. If you want I'll help carry Electro for you." "I'll help too!" Splash Claw said picking up Electro's tail. As they left the arena, Electro stirred a little Ichabod was holding his head. "Why..." Electro asked weakly "Are you doing this for me?" "I'm a doctor." Ichabod said "It's what I do." |
Marzipan raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything. This was the first time she had heard anything about Ichabod being a doctor. But on this woebegone planet where there were no hospitals, then maybe compared to any of them he WAS a doctor. They found a cart and laid Electro on it so they didn't have to drag him all the way to the springs. |
| (Um Steve, Ichabod IS the Fellowship's doctor, he took over the role from Kong, Ichabod just does a lot more then being the team medic) As soon as they got to the forest they placed Electro in the healing springs. |
At first they thought they had made a huge mistake because sparks flew and smoke billowed up. "Omigod!" Marzipan said. "We've shorted him out! Dumb, dumb, dumb! Thow an electric guy in water?" "No, it's OK," Ichabod said. "Look!" And sure enough, Electro was stretched out in the springs with a peaceful look on his face. Finally he opened his eyes. "You have lifted my burden. Thank you." Marzipan looked at Ichabod. "What the heck did he mean by that?" |
| Splash Claw grabbed Electro by the shoulder and shook him "Electro! Snap out of it!" He said "You're not dying! You're in the healing springs!" "Huh What?" Electro seemed to come to his senses "Where am I?" "The healing springs." Splash Claw said "Why am I here?" Electro asked "It was all the idea of the human with hot ass." Splash Claw said Ichabod got embarrassed and pulled down his green tunic to cover the rip in his tights "Yes, Yes I have an ass that sink a thousand ships I know!" Ichabod was blushing so hard you'd think his cheeks were baby tomatoes "You must be hungry." Marzipan said "Would you care to join us for supper? Our ship is not far away, it's in the forest!" "Fine." Shaggy said "What's going to be for supper? Rabbit? Deer?" "Actually..." Marzipan said "The only meat we have on our ship is pork and fish...None of our meat comes from Humanimals." The Three Gladiators looked stunned "You guys have never eaten food that didn't come from other sentient animals have you?" Marzipan asked The three warriors shook their heads. "Come." Marzipan said "You have much to discover about normal food...We have fruits and vegetables from all over the universe!" Bill, Jim and Bob helped Electro out of the pool. "...And nothing can prepare you for the taste of wild blackberries..." Marzipan continued |
"Uh oh," Bob said. "I sense trouble ahead." Jim laughed. "Another one of your premonitions, Bob?" "Laugh if you want, but someone is going to eat something that has a strange effect on them." Bill joined Jim in the laughter. |
| When they reached the spaceship, the tree gladiators were amazed, especially when they saw the kitchen. "What are these things?" Electro asked picking up a jar of oregano. "Those are spices." Marzipan said "Can't you read?" "No." Electro said sadly "I can't." Everyone was silent, then Splash Claw started sniffing, poking his nose in all the corners "So many smells..." The Lizard murmured "All my life I've only known the smells of blood, sweat and cum...I never knew there could be so many sweeter smells." He stuck his nose in the fruit bowl. "What are these things?" He asked "Those are fruits." Marzipan said "Wow!" Splash Claw said "I've heard of fruit but I've never actually seen one!" Marzipan got out a jar of jam from the fridge. "What's that?" Splash Claw asked "Clotted blood?" "No..." Marzipan said "It's strawberry jam." Marzipan gave a spoonful of jam to Splash Claw. "Try it, you'll be amazed." Splash Claw tasted the jam...all of a sudden his tail went strait up in the air and tears of joy streamed down his face. "It's good..." He said in a whisper |
Marzipan pulled some celery out of the crisper and gave Splash Claw a stalk to chew on. A puzzled look came over his face. "Not so good," he said. "This reminds me of the Soda Root bush that we chew on to clean our teeth." "OK," Marzipan said. "Maybe raw vegetables are not your thing." Electro had his head buried in a bowl of macaroni and cheese. He was giggling and laughing. "I love this stuff! I love this stuff!" |
| Meanwhile Matoaka was warroed about Zander she had no idea where he was,It seemed he just disappeared! |
So she went looking for him. And found him. Bare-assed! He was changing his ripped clothes for something less revealing. "Matoaka!" he said. "Don't you ever knock?" "Sorry!" she said and returned to the kitchen to tell Marzipan about her finding. When Ichabod returned he found both women giggling. "What's so funny?" he asked. "Oh... nothing," Marzipan said. |
| "How did you get here so quick Matoaka?" Ichabod asked "I thought you were still with the sewer dwellers." "I'm a unicorn." Matoaka said "I have the power to make myself invisible." "So..." Ichabod started to say "Where was Zander all this time." "I was...Running..." Zander said "From Pocho...He wanted to make me his love slave...You see he has a fetish for birds." "Oh Gods!" Matoaka gasped "Did he... Did he...Succeed?" "He didn't get a chance to sodomize me...If that's what you mean." Zander said "However he did stick his long clawed finger up my ass, that really hurt." The males winched in sympathy pain. |
"It's lucky you finally got your ass covered up," Zander said to Ichabod. "This planet is hell on exposed hineys." Ichabod laughed. "I'll keep that in mind." Marzipan waltezed in with fruit punch and coconut cookies. "Snack time!" "Oooo," Matoaka said. "I'm so glad to be back with my favorite cat chef." Splash Claw looked puzzled. "Your favorite kerchief?" "Cat chef!" Matoaka repeated. Then she turned a questioning face to Ichabod and pointed at Splash Claw and Electro. "What are these guys doing here?" |
Matoaka watched Shaggy, Splash Claw, and Electro leave. "I can't stand those guys." Marzipan said, "Matoaka! That's not like you!" "I know it. But they would have killed Bill, Bob, and Jim. How can I like them after that?" "I see what you mean." |
| Matoaka sighed she rubbed her temples "I feel a little sick." She said "I don't know what's wrong with me." Zander put his claw on her forehead "You feel like you have a fever." He said "Maybe you should lay down." Matoaka lay down on the sofa she quickly fell asleep. |
Zander and Marzipan and Ichabod finished up the punch and cookies. "I feel like resting muself," Zander said. "It's been a hard day." "Me too," Ichabod said. Marzipan put her hands on her hips. "Geraniums! Am I the only one who feels awake?" |
| Jim put a paw on Marzipan's shoulder. "Me and the boys are still awake." He said "I'm looking forward to seeing Jordan and Bill wants to see Samantha..." "OMG!" Marzipan exclaimed "Jordan! Samantha! I left them at the club!" |
"Is that a good thing?" Jim asked. Marzipan had a horrified look. "I don't think so! Let's go find them." She wrote a note for Ichabod and then she and Jim and Bill ran toward the Red Curtain Club. |
| Jordan, being a squirrel managed to climb to the top of the building with Samantha clinging to her back (Jordan may have been the smallest, but she was made of pure muscle!) Jordan and Samantha were clinging to the chimney while the hungry and lustful males were waiting below. |
"Come on down, baby!" one old male yelled. "We won't eat you! Har! Har!" "This is awful," Samantha said. "I feel like a Christmas ham strung up in the rafters for the strongest guy to pull down." |
| Jim, Bill and Marzipan arrived and saw that some of the Eagle and Hawk Humanimals were flying up to try and pluck the two girls from the chimney "This is just great!" Bill exclaimed "And here I am without my lightning whip!" "Nor do I have my Space Sword!" Jim exclaimed Marzipan knew she got Jordan and Samantha into this mess so she had get them out, there was one thing to do, use magic. Marzipan got on one knee and chanted, all off a sudden a fierce wind started blowing that knocked the land beasts off their feet and blew the birds off course. |
Unfortunately, the wind almost blew Jordan and Samantha off the roof. "Stop! Stop!" Samantha yelled. |
| Bill and Jim knew what they had to do, they ran as fast as they could to catch their respective girlfriends before they hit the ground. "Oh Bill!" Samantha said as she landed on the Bull's back "You saved me!" "Jim!" Jordan cried as Jim caught her in his arms, he planted a kiss on her forehead |
The background music swelled to a crescendo and all of them burst into song. Or was that just something the old hunchback who lived in the attic of the Red Curtain Club was imagining? Ah, sweet love, how could I live without you? I'm so happy that I found you! "Enough with the singing!" Marzipan yelled. "We're still in enemy territory! Let's get out of here!" They ran back the way they had come. Out of the corner of her mouth Jordan told Samantha, "Marzipan is becoming more and more like an army sergeant." |
| As they returned to the Fellowship Bob was in the kitchen drinking a soda "OK..." Bob said "We found most of our crew, but what about our two guests, Thomas the Human and Kate the Zebra?" "Oh, they are with the peaceful sewer dwellers where I left them." Matoaka said as she woke up from her nap "I have the power to turn invisible if it is necessary I will go back to the city to fetch them." |
"Well," Bob said. "It's not really my job to say whether it's necessary or not. Are they safe with the sewer dwellers?" "I think so," Matoaka said. But at that very moment, Mr Chips, the orangutan who was Queen Nine Tails' right hand man, was being interrogated by one of the decadent surface gangs, the Joyless Headhunters. The Joyless Headhunters were so decadent that they were known to actually take heads. So Mr Chips was speaking very carefully. "I don't know nothing, boss!" he said. "I'm just a peaceful O-tang, doing his thang! I never heard of no sewer dwellers. Lands sakes! Who would want to live in the sewer?" The Joyless Headhunters were mostly hyena humanimals, but the leader, Purple Butt, was a baboon derivative. He slapped Mr Chips. "Wake up, Pops! I'm not playing a game with you. You were seen climbing out of the sewer. Start talking and fill your talk with facts, not evasions. Where is Queen Nine Tails?" |
| Mr. Chips was wise, he had read a lot of books, some of which were cookbooks where he learned to make human recipes that were long forgotten by the the decadent cannibalistic Humanimals of the surface. Mr. Chips reached into his pocket and pulled out a cookie with white frosting "Do any of you guys know what this is?" He asked "A thing shaped like an elephant." Said one of the Hyenas "True...But it is also powerful foodstuff that gives one magical powers just by eating it! If you let me go I'll give you ten more of these foodstuffs!" |
Purple Butt's face twisted into anger. "Do I look like an idiot, Pops? Do you think you can buy your escape with a cookie?" "But it's a magical cookie!" Mr Chips protested. Purple Butt motioned at one of his hyenas. "Spoonface! Eat that cookie and let's see what it does." |
| Spoonface ate the cookie, as soon as he did his muscle mass expanded to enormous sizes! Mr. Chips smirked, he had been prepared for disbelief, that's why he laced his cookies with steroids! |
"Wow!" Purple Butt said. "I am impressed. Instant muscles, eh? That's not bad, Pops. But how do I know if I let you go that you will bring me some of these magic cookies? I can't trust you, Pops." "Send one of your hyenas with me," Mr Chips said. Purple Butt looked thoughtful. "And you can give the cookies to my man. But I am sending two of my guys with you. And I want more than 10 cookies. Let's say... 50 cookies." "I don't have that many," Mr Chips said. "But I will give you all I have. It's more than 10 but less than 50." "Good enough," Purple Butt said. "Spoonface! Since you're all pumped up now, take Freddy with you and you two accompany Pops to his cookie stash. Bring back the cookies he gives you and let him go free." Mr Chips breathed a sigh of relief. Now all he needed to do was escape from Spoonface and Freddy. |
| As Mr. Chips led the two Hyenas down a smelly sewer path, they bumped into a Humanimal. It was Bob's boyfriend Rook the Fox! Who had been hiding in the abandoned subway tunnels "Hey look!" Spoonface said "A fox!" "Yum!" Freddy said "It's been a long time since I've had a tender juicy fox!" |
| "Wait!" Mr. Chips said quickly"Don't you guys want your cookies first?" Freddy looked at Spoonface "All right." Freddy said "But we're taking the fox with us." "Yeah...FOR DESSERT!" Spoonface guffawed as he tucked Rook under one arm |
Rook had said nothing and made no attempt to escape. Mr Chips wondered about that, but the reason became clear when they rounded the next corner. Rook had been bait for an ambush. Humanimals rushed at them. "Drop the fox!" a crocodile said. Spoonface and Freddy looked at each other. "So it's true about alligators in the sewer!" "I ain't no alligator," said the crocodile. "Don't hurt them," Mr Chips said. "I made a deal with their boss." "Yeah!" Spoonface said. "Where's our cookies?" "Tell Purple Butt you traded the cookies for your lives." "He won't buy that!" Mr Chips shrugged. "Then tell him what you like. Good bye!" The croc and Rook made waving motions. "Yeah, good bye! So long!" Grumbling and cursing, the two hyenas went splashing back up the sewer. |
| Rook sighed and panted with relief "Who are you?" Mr. Chips asked "I am Rook Reynardo." Rook said "Son of the famous Todd Reynardo!" |
"Queen Nine Tails wants to see you," the croc said. "And she will," said Mr Chips, "but first I need a shower and a change of clothes." |
| Queen Nine Tails was seated on a throne made of cabbages. Because Paradise 5 is ruled by the carnivores, the herbivores get very little by way of food choices, the two main crops on Paradise 5 are Alfalfa Hay and Cabbages (Which is good because not every herbivore can eat hay, if it weren't for the cabbage industry many of the rodents, sloths and primates would starve) "Welcome Fellow Fox." Queen Nine Tails said "Your Highness." Rook said bowing low "Do you find me attractive by Fox Standards?" The Queen asked Rook paused before answering "Kind of..." He said "What do you mean by kind of?" The Queen asked "I'm...gay..." Rook said meekly "That's OK." The Queen said graciously "I'm a lesbian." |
"Cool!" Rook said. "Then we can talk freely without flirting. Why did you send for me?" The Queen paused to gather her thoughts. "I've heard you were good at solving certain kinds of problems..." "Yes?" Rook said. "Go on. I have a suspicion where this is headed." |
| Meanwhile Shaggy Dog, Splash Claw and Electro were walking back to town, they didn't know what to do with their lives now. "Strawberries." Splash Claw sighed "I can still taste the strawberries..." "Strawberries.." Shaggy said "That reminds me, some time ago it was discovered that Gryphons got high off strawberry lemonade, since then the Gryphons have allowed neither strawberries nor lemons to be grown here." |
"Cool!" Splash Claw said. "You know so many things." "That's because I read and watch and listen," Shaggy said. "I don't spend all my time trying to see how fast I can run across water." "You can't run on water at all. You're just jealous." Shaggy cast a skeptical glance at his friend. "It wouldn't kill you to take an interest in a few things besides sports." Electro couldn't resist jumping in. "But that's how we make our living. We would be fools not to be interested in it and spend lots of time on it." "Yeah, yeah," Shaggy said. "I'm just saying there are other things besides sports. Make some time for them. I do." |
| Rook had spoken with Queen Nine Tails. The Vixen Queen was planning to stage a coup, she would overthrow the evil Gryphons and bring peace and harmony to Paradise 5 "However..." She said "There is one thing that concerns me.." "Oh?" Said Rook "My daughter, Princess Vixy...Unlike me, she is not a lesbian...And she has a habit of going after powerful males." Rook was afraid where this was going. "Vixy has been having an affair with the youngest of King Kraa's Seven Sons." Vixy said "Prince Vuc, the Black Gryphon...Vixy tells me he is harmless, but I'm not so sure." "What do you want me to do Your Highness?" Rook asked "Find Prince Vuc, see if he really is harmless." |
"By harmless do you mean gay?" Rook asked. Queen Nine Tails waved him away. "I mean find out if he has political ambitions. Vixy says he's just a lazy sensualist, content to spend his days in the hot baths. I want to be sure he will offer no resistance when I take over." Rook found that it was no trouble getting a job at the baths. It was nasty work in a steaming environment and the turnover rate was high. Soon he was carrying stacks of fresh towels into rooms filled with naked men. "Not a bad job," he thought. It wasn't long before he had a chance to observe Prince Vuc. |
| Vuc was in one hot tub all by himself in the corner, it wasn't so much that he liked being alone, it was that he was a Gryphon and none of the other animals had the audacity to infringe on a Gryphon's privacy. It mattered not the Vuc was the runt of the litter and most of the bigger men could probobly give him a good spanking. The fact remained he was still a member of the royal family, he may have been a runt but he was ROYAL runt! Most of the Humanimals of Paradise 5 as miserable as they were still preferred being alive to being dead, so they gave him his space. Just then three Humanimals walked in, an Old English Sheepdog, and Electric Eel, and a Basilisk Lizard. Rook had no access to TV or any media when he made his flight underground, he had no idea that these Humanimals had threatened his boyfriend Bob and his herd brothers. "Aw crap!" Splash Claw moaned "All the hot tubs are filled to the brim!" "There is a nice little hot tub in the far corner." Shaggy said "There is only one Man in that one." "Yeah, but that one guy is Prince Vuc." Slash Claw said nervously "I don't know about you but I'd like to keep my head." "I don't think we have anything to worry about." Shaggy said "From what I hear Prince Vuc is pretty tolerant of other creatures, maybe he'll be willing to share." Rook remembered Vuc had ordered some coconut water from the juice bar, So Rook quickly went to work opening a coconut and pouring the juice into decorative mug, but his ears were listening. "Excuse us." Shaggy said politely "Your Highness..." He added hastily "Do you mind if we share this hot tub with you?" "Sure why not." Vuc said quietly Every Male in the bathhouse stopped and looked when they heard that, they had never expected a Gryphon to say any kind words to a lower creature! The Three wrestlers slipped into the tub, Vuc himself was up to his neck in hot water, his feathered wings floating on the water like butterfly wings. It was on his left wing Splash Claw noticed a bruise. "How...How did you get that bruise?" He asked timidly "My six older brothers like to wail on me." Vuc said in a whisper "They say I'm a pansy-ass butter winged lousy excuse for a Gryphon...My wings are so bruised I don't think I'll be able to fly for a month." "That's awful." Splash Claw said Vuc sighed "I feel like I should just leave my family." He said "For I've fallen in love with a woman who is not a Gryphon...She is a fox...A vixen." |
Rook's ears perked up at that remark. He was surprised to hear that the griffin might actually care very much about Queen Nine Tails' daughter Vixy. "Awwww," he thought. Then he thought maybe he should not rush to judgement. So far Vuc seemed like a nice guy, but he better make sure. |
| "That's OK." Shaggy Dog said quietly "I was once in love with a cat!" Vuc sighed "If my Dad knew about this he would kill me." He whispered sadly to himself Vuc's wings drooped sadly into the water. "Sometimes..." He said "I wish I could give up the high and mighty life...I wish I could live a quiet like somewhere in the country and grow flowers." |
Rook quietly said "Yes!" to himself. Then he hurried back to tell Queen Nine Tails everything he had found out. "Yes," she said. "He does seem harmless. And you think he really truly loves Vixy, eh? That's very sweet. But if Vuc married Vixy then he would be giving up his inheritance and his postition. I wonder how he would feel after he did that?" "I can't be sure, your highness," Rook said. "But it seems to me he would be quite happy to give all that up. His life has not been a pleasant one in many ways." |
| Marzipan meanwhile was sending a distress signal back to Earth, while they had the Fellowship they did not have enough fuel to even get them halfway off the planet. |
The message back from Earth was not very helpful. "What do you want us to do? Send a rescue ship? Do you have any idea how difficult things are here right now/ Probably not because you're cruising around in Space." Marzipan was puzzled by the snarky reply to her cry for help. "That doesn't sound like the Earth I know and love. I wonder if the government has been overthrown?" Marzipan, Matoaka, Jordan, and Minsk had a hurried conference. "Somehow we must get some fuel from sources here," Matoaka said. "Minsk and Jordan, get on the problem right away. There must be some fuel here somewhere." |
| Actually Marzipan had not called the Earth government, she had completely by accident called Planet Darksied the very heart of the Wrangler Empire. It was a good thing the Wranglers on the other end did not know Marzipan was a cat, or else they would have sent an armada to claim the stranded Humanimals...So they could enslave them of course Meanwhile on Earth, Marzipan's friend and mentor Iris Ogg the Bat-Woman had heard Marzipan psychic cry for help. |
Iris Ogg lowered her hands from where she had been pressing her fingers to her temples. "That was intense, she said. "Long distance psychic calls are very draining." She had been talking to her friend Janine. "I'll get you some hot tea, dear," Janine said. Iris lay back on the sofa. "Our dear little Marzipan is in trouble." |
| Iris suddenly sat up "I've got to get Quaxo and Momo!" She said "This is going to need many magical talents in order to accomplish this rescue mission!" Quaxo the Tabby Cat Man and Momo the Triceratops Woman agreed something must be done but they did't know what to do." "After all." Quaxo said "None of us can pilot a space ship!" |
"I can," Janine said. They all stared at her. Janine was a mouse woman and it seemed very unlikely she could pilot a space ship. "It happened when I was much younger," Janine explained. "My parents volunteered me for a Space Camp. I was only ten years old." "What's a Space Camp?" Momo asked. "It's a camp for kids who want to be astronauts or ship crew when they become older. They take you on a special spaceship that is filled with kids like yourself and show you how it works." "Oh," Momo said. "I missed out on that in my childhood." "It's not for everybody. Anyway, they showed me how to pilot a ship and I paid very close attention." Momo and Quaxo and Iris looked at each other. Finally Iris siad, "Janine, dear. Surely you don't think that some summer camp you went on as a kid qualifies you to be a spaceship pilot?" "I have a photographic memory," Janine said. |
| Suddenly before they could say anything an elderly Japanese man approached Momo and touched her on the shoulder "Momo..." He said softly Momo bristled at his touch "What do you want?" She asked Sergeant Soma was her biological father, Momo's Mother had been raped by the soldiers of Alderbaren, When Momo's Mother laid her egg, Momo was born with the Asian eyes, proving she was Sergeant Soma's daughter Soma tried to be a good Dad he raised her to the best of his ability without Duke Vortex knowing, But when Momo came of age she realized her Mother was dead because she had been raped by humans! Momo became cold and distant to Soma. "Momo." Soma said "I know we have grown apart, but your mother wanted me to give you this note as she was on her Deathbed." Soma pulled a note out of his pocket and gave it to Momo. "It is a story from your Mother." Soma said "Before she came to Alderbaren she lived on Paradise 5." |
Momo read the note while everyone watched her. Her expression never changed. When she was finished reading she looked up and off into the distance. "What does the note say?" asked Iris. For an answer Momo said nothing, just thrust the note at Iris, who took it and read it out loud to the rest of them... |
| "Dearest Momo." Iris read aloud "I want you to know the story of my life,since I will never be able to tell you it myself, I am not native to Alderbaren, I come from a World known as Paradise 5, your Grandfather Cerebus Ceratopsian was a very dangerous dinosaur, he committed the impossible he did what no herbivorous animals should ever do he..." Iris became very nervous as she read the last part "...He became a carnivore!" |
"So what's the big deal?" Quaxo said. "My family has been carnivores for centuries!" Iris shushed him. "You know it's not the same!" |
| Momo felt quiet, she didn't know what to say, to think that she was descended from those awful Humanimals of Paradise 5! Quaxo had initiative, he approached Sergeant Soma "You're of the military." Quaxo said "Can you get us to Paradise 5?" |
Sergeant Soma looked surprised. "You mean steal a military spacecraft and take it on an unauthorized cruise? Do you want me to be court-martialed?" "Not steal one!" Quaxo said. "But maybe you know somebody who knows somebody..." "I'll look into the problem for you," Soma said. "If you don't hear from me today it means I was not successful. Ladies, if you will excuse me, please." After Soma left, Quaxo picked up the phone book. "I suppose I can make a few calls. Don't worry. We'll get to Paradise 5 somehow." |
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