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| >> Campfire Creative >> Fiction >> Animal >> ID #582454 |   |
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| [Introduction]
This Campfire is based on the ABC Series, The Bachelor where a single guy spends a couple of months in a house with 25 women. Each week he gives some of the women roses and then the rest have to get lost and hit the trail. All the women fall for the guy so Hooves thought it might be funny to do this as a campfire with the Demon Squirrel Hosting. Hooves, is the Bachelor Bull and all the lovely heifers fight over him. The Demon Squirrel is the host who will give us direction. Pray for us as we embark on another crazy adventure! |
 Hooves of Fire!  Announcers Voice:This lucky bull, Hooves, has been chosen to be The Bachelor STEER on the new ABC hit show, The Bachelor Steer. He will be lodged in a swanky villa in Hollywood with 25 lovely visions of cow beauty including Bovine Bessie  . Each episode, he must give roses to less and less heifers until he gets down to the one who is meant for him.They will go on group dates, chaperoned by The Demon Squirrel so that Hooves may get to know the lovely ladies better. Hosting this extravaganza and leading the gorgeous creatures out for his inspection will be the Demon Squirrel. Will he meet the cow of his dreams and propose in the last episode? Tune in and find out Wednesdays at 9, 8 Central Time here in this campfire. Let's hear what Demon Squirrel thinks about all this and then we'll hear from Hooves and some of the stunning heifers that await him. WRITEING "The First thing I want to say. Is what kind of drugs are they on at ABC? They hired Hooves to be the Bachelor, give me a break they should have hired me. I am pretty and I am better looking. I think they need to revaluate each one of their employees over at ABC. Don't get me wrong I am grateful that they hired me to be the host of the show. I could use the bucks, but now I have to chaperone a bunch of heifers around. Oh well it is a job I guess.""Anyway if I was the Bachelor, no heifers would be allowed, only the finest Cindy Crawford types. I would date the last girl that was left. But by that time I would have dated all the other girls before the last one. Cause I like to share myself. Plus I love to go into people homes and mess up and steal what ever I can." "OK enough about how I feel, I have a job to do. And I am going to do it. But what can I steal from a bunch of cows, I guess nose rings and bells. I wonder what I can pawn those for." Hooves of Fire! I feel like I've died and gone to Bull heaven with all these lovely cows and bovines the Demon Squirrel is ushering in.But first there is something I need to address so I nudge the Demon with one of my horns and take him aside. I clear my throat and moo for the camera, but whisper to the Demon Squirrel, "Demon Squirrel, there's just one problem with the name of this show. It should be The Bachelor BULL, not STEER because um er....well, it just should for obvious reasons," I finish weakly as the rodent host gives me his most condescending stare. "I'm a bull, not a steer," I add for emphasis. WRITEING "For once I agreed with you Hooves, You are a bull, not a steer. A steer is a castrated ox. I mean Hooves I have to work with you, so I will explain it to everybody. They take a young bull and they castrate him. Then when the young bull becomes an adult, he is called an Ox. Ox's are working machines. Like plowing the field on the farm. Or carrying heavy loads in a wagon. They are able to work all day, because Ox's don't care about cows cause they are castrated. Ox's are kind and gentle and work hard. And boy do they make a good Ox tail soup. Hooves on the other hand is a blockhead and an incompetent, but he still is a lover. Or thinks he is. Any way Hooves you are no steer so what do you want to do about that the title of the show. I know you lack sufficient knowledge or skill, so in a way you are a dumb Ox. But what is fair is fair. You are a Bull." Pita i r bad poet I wondered into the livingroom while cute Hoovise and that pesky squirrel where debating the definition of bull and steer. My eyes were all dewy. I had carefully groomed my fur til it almost glowed it was so shiney.The bull utterly ignored me, so deep in his debate. Sigh. What does a nice heifer like me need to do for attention around here? Sulking, I went back to my room and painted my nails a lovely coral rose. Sophy mostly offline til 2/28 After pita sulked out to paint her hooves, I saw my chance. I moosied provocatively out to the swimming pool, hoping Hoovsie would spy me in my brand-moo bikini, for which I'd recently had a painful wax job done so as to remove any hint of a bikini line (really stupid idea for a cow to do, I know!)I struck up what I hoped was a seductive pose, lowered my lashes and gazed at the handsome Hooves, whom I hoped would be ending his conversation with the little rodent soon. Our eyes met for a brief instant - just before my seductive pose got me off balance and I fell gracelessly into the swimming pool. Chuckster "Bull, Steer, or Ox, I feel more like a jackass walking into this penthouse apartment with the Madonna look," murmured Cowabunga Cissy rolling her eyes toward the gracious host. "What a lonely heifer like me has got to do to be seen by millions of frustrated other viewers out there in TV Land. "I mean like this Demon Squirrel dude has got me chewing baseball card chewing gum instead of some good old fashioned North Dakota rye. This self-marketing theme to sell myself to the audience is suppose to give the shy cows watching at home the naughty impression I am not the kind of bodacious bovine to take home to meet your mother, but one in which young bachelor steers long for in their wildest dreams. Well I got a word for this TV Bachelor, if he thinks he is gonna ring my cow bell in exchange for one rose, he better go over the script once more!" Cowabunga Cow snorted and strolled away toward the milkshake bar but insuring the Bachelor got a look at her tenderloins. Hooves of Fire! There were so many pretty heifers everywhere I turned that I didn't know where to look. Heifers with fine firm haunches and out of this world udders, winking at me and strutting their stuff.It was like I'd died and gone to Bull heaven and my wandering thoughts were interrupted when the Demon Squirrel stomped back in the room. "Sorry Hooves, no dice on the name change," he chittered as I gave a disappointed snort. "The censors say if we have 'Bull' in the title people will think we mean b.s. and it can't be on in prime time. You're such a mama's bull anyway, what's the difference?" My nostrils flared at the insult and I gave the Demon Squirrel a menacing look, but I knew in my heart it was true. I am a mama's boy through and through and I know it. But, I tried to put on a brave front so the heifers would be impressed and while doing so, I backed into the snack table and knocked it over. WRITEING "Hooves what are doing, I am sticking up for you, and then you knock over the snack table. Look at all those walnuts and acorns rolling on the floor. You know Hooves it is a good thing those nuts were not shelled. You have nothing to say Hooves, what is the matter a big bull like you is going to cry. Well, I changed my mind you are a dum Ox. I don't know why I am wasting my time around here, when I have all those lovely heifers outside. With my english rodent charm. I will pick up one of those babes in no time. Then I take them to my barbecue pit, and just like that milk and beef ribs." And them Hooves yelled out at me. "Shut up Squirrel. You are like a skipped CD. It is the same thing with you over and over. It is enough to make me puke. You have a job to do, so get with it, have you forgotten you are getting paid a nice sum of money and nuts." Then I added to that. " Yes you are right Hooves, I have a job to do. But after this is all over I would not mind some steak sandwiches, either from you or those lovely bovines out there." Pita i r bad poet I started weeping. The gift I bought Hoovsie, a small crystal cowboy, lovingly wrapped in glossy santa paper, rattled in shredded ruins on the floor.I blinked once. Twice. Then I sighed a soft moooooooooooo of despair :( Sophy mostly offline til 2/28 After I fell in the pool I looked around quickly to see if anyone had noticed. And much to my shock and delight, I think my poor excuse for a swan dive had been missed by most if not all of the house guests because of some mishap my beloved Hoovsie had with the buffet table!Seeing a second chance being handed to me, I readjusted my bikini and began to do laps across the pool to give the illusion that I am a very health conscious bovine taking a break to do my daily exercise (I thought Hoovsie would like that in a mate). I chose the backstroke, so as to better show off my "good side" and slapped a smile on my face as I cut across the pool with what I hoped was a smooth and sensual stroke. Of course my plan backfired once again as I misjudged the distance to the pool's edge, hit my head and knocked myself out silly ... Chuckster "That tux he's wearing looks like it's about three sizes too small. I'll bet the rodent even had to select and tie the black cravat around his neck," said Cowabunga Cissy under her breath."Isn't he just dreamy?" asked one of the other bovines that looked like her hooves were painted as part of an eighth grade art class project. "You look more pleasing plump by around fifty to hundred pounds on the telly, Darling," said Cissy strolling to the buffet table. "I understand McDonalds Corp. is importing llama loins as a substitute for beef from South America to avoid USDA regulations," Cowabungo Cissy said loud enough for the Bachelor to hear how well read she was on current events. "Easy on the snacks girls," said Demon Squirrel taking the Mexican Bean dip away. "The ratings on the show aren't in yet so we have to watch our cost overrun." Maryann I looked around and saw all of the pretty heifers already chatting about current events. I strolled in late again, as usual, and hoped that none of them noticed. I remember that I wondered into the trees once, and stayed there until the cows went home. I can never be on time! Oh well, at least I spent some time on my looks. My gorgeous light brown hair looks awesome, now that I added golden necklaces. I also put gold colored mascara on my long eyelashes. Now is a good time to do my Moodonna imitation. That will get Hooves attention. I started singing, "Moo are my sunshine! My only sunshine! Moo make me happy, when skys are gray. You'll never know, Steer, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." Bovine Bessie "Oh please! you heifers need to get a grip. This bull don't want any of your crap. He wants a well adjusted, writing ruminant that looks good in a bikini... ** #200766 Not An Image ** "This bull is impressed by your white lower teeth, your long cow ears and your sexy bedroom moos. This bull wants a woman who is 100% grade A dairy cow... so MOOOOOOO-ve over and let me at him. "Hoovies, do you know you have a striking resemblance to Michael Vartan?" MOO for President Hoovies is still in Moo Heaven, more so now that he has a picture of the most beautiful bovine ever to step on a specially made keyboard. There is pande-moo-ium in the audience, there's a free for all on the stage as the other bovines quickly strip down to their bikini briefs and bras. It isn't a pretty site, at least not to the humans who flipped through the channels looking for something worth watching on television.The producers break for a commercial...which was a big mistake because it was for Wendy's square hamburgers and not the Chick-fil-A all chicken patties. this is going to get ugly... Back stage The Milkman is getting ready for his interview with the would be courter of his prized Holstein heifer. He contemplates how to hook Hoovies up to the "Meet the Parent's" lie detector... Hooves of Fire! My tail was starting to twitch, which is a sign that I am extremely nervous. It was not even the end of the first episode, and already the heifers are posing in the pool and singing to me and trying to impress me with their knowledge on current events. I've broken the snack table and assorted glassware and made a mess of things, but luckily for me, the ladies seem inclined to forgive me. Maybe that's because The Demon Squirrel told them all that I'm a Millionaire."Psst, Squirrel, what are you saying?" I hiss. "That's a different show on Fox in January called Joe Millionaire." But the Demon ignores me as he mingles with the guests. This is only the first episode, but I know whatever heifers I choose to give my roses to will take me to meet their parents. To make matters worse, The Milkman, (Bessie's mom - :) ) is looking to get an early start by hooking that machine up to me and it looks like The Demon Squirrel is helping him. "Demon Squirrel, you keep your distance," I growl as I see the gleam in his eye that means only one thing - trouble. WRITEING "Ha ha ha, Ho ho ho, he hee, shut up Hooves. This is great. This milkman guy is one cool dude. He is going to try and milk a bull. I don't know what this guy is thinking, he might of milked one cow too many. But hey if he wants me to give him a hand in hooking up this machine up to Hooves, it will be my pleasure, we need some laughs around here anyway. And who knows where this will lead, maybe hooves will be so pissed off that he will leave the show, and that is when I take over and become the star. Then I will have all those lovely heifers to myself. Boy oh boy, OK Hooves here we come. Hey Hooves got milk." Pita i r bad poet I don't belong here. I was sure I would be kicked out in the first round. My coat isn't glossy enough. My udders aren't as full as the other hiefers. Worse yet, I kick when I am milked!Although.... maybe this fellow likes a hiefer who is sassy and has a rough hide? Sophy mostly offline til 2/28 I am happy to say that I'm no longer in, or anywhere near that blasted pool! After falling in and then knocking myself unconscious whilst doing laps, I was hauled out of the pool by a cameraman (after he stopped laughing!) and then a make-up person came over and helped me dry off and touch up my rouge (she giggled the entire time) and now I'm back in the house trying to look nonchalant and gorgeous at the same time, which isn't easy, let me tell you.But evidently I arrived back inside just in the nick of time! Because some bodacious bovine falling out of a 5-sizes-too-small yellow bikini named Bovine Bessie has been flirting outrageously with Hoovsie and pushing all of the other cows aside like she's some diva or something! She's got that poor, sweet pita doubting herself, and one of the other heifers got so upset by Bessie that she ate one of the roses for the ceremony later!I've got to do something ... and quick! Chuckster "Indeed Moodonna, a modern day bovine doesn't want a bum steer that can satisfy her smallest wishes, she wants the one who can attend to her larger ones," said Cowabunga Cissy with a flip of her tail. "Don't you just love the pierced miniature hayfork he's got dangling from his horns?""Just look at those other bimbo bovines in scanty bikinis falling all over him. It's makes my cream turn to butter. Why didn't they have this contest when I was a prime cut of beef in the 80's? This new generation of chemically engineered bovine are too big for their own stalls," Moodonna commented. "I knew I should have had that space between my two front teeth fixed before I agreed to eat watercrest sandwiches here on TV." "Well no bull steer is going to shun me for some floozy heifer from some greener pasture who has had utter implants! Where is that Demon Squirrel and I thought we were suppose to go on a date in a limo? What's this Ford Windstar doing out in front?" Maryann Oh good! The flower delivery truck is here. I saw one of the heifers starting to eat the roses, so I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to have more around. Besides, my beloved Hooves might love to smell the flowers -- like Ferdinand. I also brought a gift for Hooves. That bull might enjoy shooting this painbtball gun at the trees. I might not be wearing a bikini, but at least he'll see that I'm thoughtful. Bovine Bessie Bessie thinks..."This day is almost over...I have most of these other heiffers worried about my stellar looks and my loving attitude. If Hooves can remember all of our adventures together then I know I'll be his mate for life. "I wonder why the cameraman keeps his camera pointed away from me. Is my bikini showing too much utter? Maybe I'm too beautiful for him. He's probably thinks more of milk than hamburger... "Hey, is that the flowers to finish this first round?" MOO for President Hooves and the florist keep to themselves as they exchange the hay for the roses. The flowers are all red and as a bouquet they would make any heiffer proud to sniff... As a bouquet, there wouldn't be a human female that could resist these soft, fragrant petals. Hoovies looks at all of the heiffers as he makes his choice. The audience can sense the tension in the air... he only has two choices...either give the first rose to Bessie or... Hooves of Fire! I knew the moment of truth was upon me to make my decision. The Demon Squirrel was gesturing wildly and chittering something in squirrel language as I moseyed over to the roses.Picking one up in my mouth, I pricked myself with a thorn. "Ooooouch!" I mooed and Demon Squirrel shot me a glaring look that even I could understand. I sucked it up and tried to remember the Director's instructions. He'd said, "Hooves to build the suspense you give it to a different Heiffer first each time, so they won't know who is your favorite." Shaking, I trotted over to Cowabunga Cissy and put the first rose at her manicured hoof. I could feel the glares of the other bovines on me and to my dismay Cissy didn't pick up the rose right away. Instead she stuck her nose in the air and at that moment Bovine Bessie turned her back to me. Some of the other gorgeous heiffers were starting to sniffle and snort. I didn't know what to do so I looked to The Demon Squirrel for help, but he was rolling on the floor laughing at Cowabunga Cissy's disdain for my rose. WRITEING "Hey Hooves what you got here is a bunch of heifers that think there own cow pies don't stink. They are all jealous. And another thing this show is a joke. It seems to me all these cows are giving you their attention, while being stuck up at the same time. Well, I am not use to this, you getting all the attention. I should be getting all the attention, after all you are just a 2nd rate bull that is full of it. These idiots don't know a real star when they see one." "Oh poor hooves you pricked yourself in the mouth with a torn, well let me tell you something. I never met a rose that did not have a torn. And a rose by any other name does not smell as sweet. Anyway they are snubbing you cause they are going to go out with me. They all don't trust you cause they know you are going to pick one of them, so why should they be nice. However I am taking them all out to a barbecue when this is all finished, I know prime grade A beef when I see them." Sophy mostly offline til 2/28 {/i}What a thrilling moment when Hoovsie gave that first rose to Cowabunga Cissy! I almost fell over laughing at the look at Bessie's face when he gave it to Cissy FIRST! hahahahaha! At that moment I didn't care whether or not I ever got a rose or not - all I cared about was that snooty Bessie didn't get the first one!!!! I don't mean to be cruel, I'm sure Bessie is a nice bovine and maybe it's just all these cameras and lights that are making her act so superior. And I'm sure he'll give her a rose. But she's been so sure of herself that I think it's good that he brings her down a peg or two. Anyway, I admit that I lost control and snorted with laughter, so much so that the odd little rodent gave me the evil eye, but I don't care, it was wonderful! I don't know what got into Cissy, and why she turned her snout up at the rose. I would have snatched mine up in a heartbeat if he'd chosen me first, so I don't know what game she is playing. But now I need to compose myself and look unaffected and calm so that Hoovsie will give me the next rose and bring Bessie down a peg or two. MOO for President At first Bovine Bessie was the middle of the camera action because of her bovine superior complex. The audience, the world, and the other cows saw how she reacted when Hoovies didn't give her the first rose. She was midly upset but my bovine hero took a deep breath...well maybe two or three deep breaths, then saw Hoovies' mistake for what it was... it was a move to boost the ratings of this show. Bessie has a new outlook on Hoovies' agenda...he is saving the best rose for the obvious best ruminant. Bessie once again is smiling. Maryann There was so much fuss about Bessie and the roses, that no one noticed the Star Search crew coming in. I wouldn't have noticed either, except I was looking over in that direction at the squirrel's duffle bag. There was a bottle of steak sauce sticking out that caught my attention. A couple of ten year old humans were singing the theme from 'Annie' as they walked in, and that got everyone's attention. The Squirrel seemed angered at the mix-up. He ran over chittering that this was his show's time slot. It seemed like a good tactic, because the newcomers started running out. Hooves of Fire! I looked to the Demon Squirrel and then to the roses. Cowabunga Cissy had finally kicked my rose around a bit and picked it up in her teeth. Then she trotted back triumphantly to the herd without even thanking me for the rose.Looking around, I hoped that the Star Search people would come back again, but the Demon Squirrel had bitten one of them in the leg and I could hear distant sounds of the screams of pain from the next sound stage. Looking back at the roses, I decided to ignore Demon Squirrel's advice to save Bessie for last since she was smiling at me and I didn't want to risk raising her bovine ire. Picking the rose up in my teeth I trotted over to her and she did a little curtsy and flipped it up behind her ear, making a stunning picture for the cameras. Demon Squirrel was already screaming at me before I could trot back to fetch the rest of the roses. He got so excited that he knocked over his own bottle of what appeared to be steak sauce and the Director went for a dramatic close-up of the sauce, which was threatening to spill all over the rest of the roses. WRITEING "Fools I am sick of this. That is it I am tired of dealing with incompetence, I have incompetence all around me. Like I said that is it. The barbecue starts now, and everyone is invited, the director, the producers, and that star search crew, and all these lovely heifers. Which of course is the main course. This is going to big a big buffet, and all my henchmen are invited with their families. And another thing from now on I don't sign no more contracts unless I am the star. It is hard to work for people and bovine when there intelligence level does not match mine. Do you know what it is like working with people and animals that are simpletons with limited intellects?""Oh year one more thing, is there anybody out there that could shell my nuts for me. I don't know how to work this nut cracker." Bovine Bessie Just then I, Bovine Bessie, was out to show Demon Squirrel who had the biggest animal brain... I invited a friend of mine. If I were to say his name everyone would literally stampede to the stage. If I were to show off his foiled packs, glass jars or even cans every squirrel like creature wouls also run to the stage. Am I that devious to get my bull? Am I that demented to get even with a demonic, stubborn squirrel who can't even crack his own nuts from their shells?Yes, MOOhahahahaha I walk over to the band pit in front of the stage. Of course it is filled with cameramen, bright lights, and musical equipment likes a tipani drum. I mosey past the humans, the lights and pass the pianist and flutists and head straight for those big drums. Drum roll and out walks Planter's Peanut... Sophy mostly offline til 2/28 With all the mayhem with the first rose going to Cissy, Bessie's reaction to that, the intrusion of the Star Search Crew (Arsenio Hall is a scary human!) and a giant peanut showing up, I decided to make myself as inobtrusive as possible. I slowly sauntered to the back of the room to watch the rest of what was turning out to be a very interesting evening unfold. The crazy little rodent's eyes were bugging out like I'd never thought possible as he stared at the peanut-man (he had a bit of drool hanging off his lower lip) and Bessie had a self-satisfied smile on her face (she really IS quite pretty, now that you mention it). This is FINALLY getting good! I'm sure not in Kansas anymore ... Pita i r bad poet I'm in the bathroo, get out. get out. get out.Can you believe these cameramen? What gives? I'm a lovely wee bovine and I just want to marry well. GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM! MOO for President Will the cameramen learn not to get their camera away from a fiest bovine? Will the networks stoop to even lower tricks to get better ratings? And if they do will the video audience tune in next week?Wouldn't you want to find out if they can make some successful spin-offs from this ruminant adventure? So would I. Hooves of Fire! This madness and mayhem may not lead to Hooves finding his heifer, but it will lead to higher ratings and another campfire for us bovine and human campers. The End! © Copyright 2002 Hooves of Fire!, WRITEING, Pita i r bad poet, Sophy mostly offline til 2/28, Chuckster, Maryann, Bovine Bessie, MOO for President, (known as GROUP). All rights reserved. GROUP has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
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