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| >> Campfire Creative >> Interview >> Comedy >> ID #609620 |   |
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| [Introduction]
In the next of my hard hitting series of one on one's with a bushy tailed rodent, we find the Demon Squirrel (Richard) recuperating in a lovely facility (nuthouse) with his staff of nurses on call to see to his every whim. He has graciously consented to comment on quotations I will give to him - I'll give him the quote and he'll throw out an opinion as soon as he tasks that little pea brain of his and struggles free from the confines of his straight jacket.  Check out our contest while you're here --------------->
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 Hooves of Fire!  Demon Squirrel, now that you have gnashed your pointy little teeth and bitten through those restraints (especially the tape on your mouth - that was a nice gesture of the staff to try and shut you up) I have a quote all ready for you to comment on. Here it is -------> "Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines." David Letterman WRITEING They have traffic signals in New York - that is news to me. I thought those traffic signal things were just to make pretty lights for people to look at when driving by them. My favorite light to drive through is red. Everybody drives wherever they want, as fast as they want, and everybody seems to be blowing their horns and they will drive right through you if you don't get out of their way. And don't even think about being in the street when they turn the corner, they will make road kill out of you just for being there in the first place. Sometimes they will run you down for being on the side walk. And sometimes they will actually drive right through restaurants. It is not a good idea to dine on street level. New York is the only city in the world where cars, trucks, and buses have all the rights. I mean the right-of-way when it comes to everything else. D. S. Hooves of Fire! OK, next quote."If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson WRITEING How in the world did Elvis sell more records then the Beatles? I mean think about it. Check your homes, how many Beatles records and how many Elvis records do you have? You will find you have more Beatles records. So who are all these people that brought all these extra records? I think I know who it is - it is phony Elvis impersonators like Kurt Russell and Andy Kaufman. That's where the extra records are sitting in phony Elvis impersonators' homes. These records are just sitting there doing absolutely nothing. So I say they are worthless and don't count. Just like the other day I was up in my tree, hanging out on a branch when I saw Elvis walking by - going down the street. I did not even give the guy a 2nd look. I am not stupid, I know Elvis is pushing up daisies. I knew it was one of those phony Elvis impersonators. So to me the phony is not even worth putting a dropping on. So when it comes down to it what do I have that Elvis does not have? No, I don't have CATHERINE ZETA-JONES like Michael Douglas has, but I have my bag of nuts. D. S. Hooves of Fire! Demon Squirrel, what would you do with CATHERINE ZETA-JONES anyway? Collect nuts for her? Don't answer that. lolNext quote for you: "If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" Lily Tomlin WRITEING Very confusing quote, and I will use the best of my brain power to answer. Well, they don't have any hair dryers, or hair cutting tools in a library. This is dumb. Everybody knows that. Or even stuff to dye hair. Plus there is the fact that your barber or hair dresser have big mouths and like to talk because they get off on hearing all about your troubles. But, to tell you the truth, they really don't give a %@#$, they just want their tip. I'll show them, I'll give em a tip. I will leave a dropping on their comb. And in the library, you have to be quiet. Big mouths just don't make it in the library at all, and you can't make noise. Like using an electric hair razor. 'Cause people are studying and trying to read. This could explain why, with dumb quotes like this, Lily Tomlin never got her own TV show. But, only her hair dresser knows for sure. Hooves of Fire! Demon Squirrel, I have another quote for you to ponder while you crack your nuts:"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." A. Whitney Brown WRITEING Whitney Brown is that guy that said our smart bombs are smarter then our students. At least they could find Iraq, or something dumb like that. Whitney Brown a has been member of Saturday Night live, and is a real wise guy, who got his start begging for money in the streets, juggling and telling jokes. Until somebody noticed he had some sort of talent. Now this guy eats plants - well you need meat too because your body needs the protein. As a matter of fact, some of the cults feed you nothing but plants 'cause without protein for the brain, your mind becomes weak, and you become a follower, perfect for cults. I mean I am not that bad - at least I feed my followers nuts, that is plenty of protein for their diets. And someday we are going to make ribs and rump roast and shoulder round out of you, Hooves, so that's even more protein right there. Hey, my aunt died of a heart attack, and she was a big time plant eater. A lot of the dinosaurs were plant eaters, look what happened to them. D.S. Hooves of Fire! Okay, next quote:"Whining is anger through a small opening." Stuart Smalley WRITEING I whine all the time, it is fun. I am a whiner. I just love to do it. On top of that I am a chronic complainer. More fun too. And what this squirrel enjoys more then anything is being a pain in the butt. I do this to everybody, because I don't think I get the recognition I deserve. I dare you, I double dare you. Go ahead, try to find somebody or thing that is better then me. I am nothing but pure beauty, pure perfection, pure talent. I can't be beat, because I am unbeatable. My power is getting stronger all the time. I say everybody get on their knees and start giving me praise, you too Hooves or you will all be whined to death. The Demon Squirrel is all strong, all power, and nothing is going to stop me now. Except the wheels of a truck when I am in the middle of the street. Hooves, what is it with these Saturday Night Live guys? Hooves of Fire! Demon Squirrel, those Saturday Night Live people sleep all week and only wake up for the show. That is why they are the way they are. You should try it some time.Now, here is your next quote to chew on: "The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison, is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends." Bobby Kelton WRITEING Another dumb quote. Where do these guys think this stuff up? Anyway with all the evil I have done in the world, I spent some jail time for jay walking. Get this, it was a meter maid that gave me a ticket for jay walking. So I got mad and left her a dropping on her motorcycle seat. So she gave me another ticket for not curbing myself. So then I deposited another dropping on her shoe. Well, next thing you know I am being carted off to jail. During the trial I felt like Al Capone, 'cause with all the evil he did, they got him for income tax fraud and with all the evil I did they got me for jay walking. So they gave me 6 months, mostly for not curbing myself. Anyway, while in prison I kept on sneaking through the bars, and I knew the warden liked nuts. So I would sneak into his office every day and steal his nuts. It got to the point where he just got sick of me and said "there is room for only one of us in this prison." Next thing I know he says to me, "Here is a dollar fifty for taxi fare, have a good life." They never did let me play softball when I was in jail. D.S Hooves of Fire! Next quote: "Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway." Elbert Hubbard WRITEING Sounds like that guy Hubbard is talking about a no win situation. I say instead of having to explain something, hit them in the head and hit them hard. That will rattle their brains for a while. Having to do something wrong is never having to say you are sorry or to explain anything. That is why I don't explain, I just take. It is easy for me. I am the Demon Squirrel. And what is mine is not yours. But it probably used to be yours. Ha ha ha. Oh boy - I amaze myself. D. S Hooves of Fire! Demon Squirrel, you are amazing. Okay, next quote for you: "Better the chill blast of winter than the hot breath of a pursuing elephant." Anonymous Chinese Saying WRITEING Hooves where did you get this quote from, a fortune cookie?I agree that the chill blast of winter is better then the hot breath of a pursuing elephant. Although everybody is freezing their butts off right now with this arctic blast we are having. I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both using ice skates. Well, anyway, if you could feel the hot breath of a pursuing elephant, you are less then a second away from road kill. D. S Hooves of Fire! OK, Demon Squirrel and no I didn't get it from a fortune cookie. I got it from my vast supply of knowledge. Just kidding. I got a bunch of books of quotes in my Christmas stockings.Next quote: "I do not like broccoli and have not liked it since I was a little kid. I am President of the United States and I'm not going to eat it anymore." President George Bush (George W.'s father) WRITEING Yes, Hooves I remember George Sr saying that stuff about broccoli. You see, he really hated it 'cause his mother used to shove it down his throat. It was when he was a kid that he decided not to eat that stuff as soon as he became an adult. Then one day he became an adult, then the President, which gave him even more power not to eat it. But facts are facts. Broccoli is the 2nd most nutritious thing you can eat. Radishes are the most nutritious thing you can eat. But not eating broccoli is the main reason George Sr. did not have the backbone to go all the way to Baghdad and take over the place. So now that George W eats his broccoli he has his dad telling him, "Get him, get him, get him!" So anyway after George W knocks off Iraq, he is just going to pick on somebody else. What this guy Bush really wants to do is knock off everybody that is a threat to us. So then they can't crash our planes, knock down our buildings, and kill our people. We have the power to wipe out anybody we want in a short period of time. And nobody can stop us. We use to be afraid to use our power, but not anymore. Maintenance note: I love chicken, I mean beef and broccoli with nuts, oh boy. Yummy. Hey Hooves -Got Beef? D. S Hooves of Fire! Speaking of war quotes, D.S., here is one I would like you to explain since you are the leader of your bushy tailed rodent family:"I must follow them for I am their leader." Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin (French Politician) WRITEING Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin follow them, the guy must have been high and on drugs. Which way was he supposed to follow them? When you are in charge, you act like you are in charge. If you are not in charge, then follow them. That is dumb. Could explain why he attacked the President of France, ran the country for two hours, then when they closed in on him, he fled to England for years. The guy is lucky they didn't get hold of him and chop his head off. He would have been perfect in Alice in Wonderland when the Queen says, "Off with his head!" But I say why chop people's heads off when you can just smack the side of head? Or use their heads as a nutcracker? They say two heads are better then one. D.S Hooves of Fire! D.S., here's one for you to run through that nutcracker in your little brain:"All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening." Alexander Woollcott WRITEING Well, Hooves, as far as Alexander Woollcott goes he is very dead. I guess too much of doing what he liked did him in. He had it coming too. He liked to gamble, he liked his women, and here is the real kicker, Hooves. He liked his steak, rare. That means he loved bovine-type meals. And you are posting a dumb quote that he said maybe 70 or 80 years ago. Noel Coward called him a caged cobra. Harpo Marx thought he looked like something that had gotten loose from a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Plump, owl-faced, big mouthed Alexander Woollcott, one of the highest-paid critics in America by 1922, invited mockery just as he delivered it. And he always had tire tracks in his underwear. Sometimes he passed some wet ones. D.S. Hooves of Fire! Demon Squirrel, no one ever heard Harpo Marx talk. Are you sure you don't mean Groucho? Speaking of Groucho, here is a quote from him for you to sharpen your teeth on: "Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." Groucho Marx WRITEING Hooves maybe Harpo could not talk but he could write. He was a writer - he wrote the last Movie that the Marx Brothers did. Can you imagine what an incredible country this could have been with Groucho Marx as President and Charlie Chaplin as Vice-president? I think Not. Any way of course, that Groucho is right. How good can that club be if they accept Groucho as a member? After all, Groucho had some ties to the Soviet Union. That idiot said that, "Look at the Soviet Union, everybody thought they would fall apart. But they have been in business 16 years, they must be doing something right." What a jerk Groucho was for saying that. That could explain why the F.B.I. watched his every move for years. Well, Groucho, they did fall apart after 74 years. It was a complete failure, a waste of time, money and effort. You know what Groucho said that the F.B.I stood for? Female Body Inspectors. D.S. Hooves of Fire! Yeah, well that so called humor got Groucho's show cancelled, Demon Squirrel, but I'm sure you know that.Here's another quote for you to sharpen those incisors on: "Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life." Robert Byrne WRITEING Well, you know how it is Hooves, Children cost big bucks to bring up. And do the little brats appreciate it. No way, they break their Christmas Toys first chance they get. If you have a girl, she is going to cost you really big bucks to bring up. Where a boy is cheaper to bring up. Cost more money to buy things for a girl to wear. Cost more money to get the girl's hair done. And now with this Women's Lib, A lot of the parents are paying for the dates that their daughters go on. Well, they might as well pay for it anyway. The way things are today. Parents have to go out on the dates too, it helps prevents the kids from being in the back-seat of the car when the kids are alone. The parents like the idea of mother driving, and the two love birds are in the back seat with dad in-between them, riding shotgun. Ha ha he he. D.S Hooves of Fire! And with that riveting insight into modern dating, I will extinguish the flame of this campfire and start another one.The Demon Squirrel has fully recoverd and is ready to be GRILLED by a team of experts flown fresh from inspecting weapons in the mideast. The End! © Copyright 2003 Hooves of Fire!, WRITEING, (known as GROUP). All rights reserved. GROUP has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
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