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| >> Campfire Creative >> Fiction >> Comedy >> ID #880026 |   |
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[Introduction]
  SEPTEMBER WACKY SHORT SHORT STORY CONTEST --- take a look! Welcome to the new gameshow that has America yelling and cheering... well, applauding vigorously... clapping politely?... okay, wiggling a finger and saying, "Whoop-ti-doo, another stupid gameshow..." But at least they are watching it! Yayyy, America! Okay, enough of that fervent patriotism. Let's meet our co-hosts, Roo and Steve. Roo is an animal rights activist and Steve is a right active animal, so they make a wonderful team! Roo is the producer of the popular gameshow "Alec and Ricky", but now she is stepping in front of the camera herself. Uh, Roo, I think you're blocking that cameraman's view... Steve is the owner of Steve's Place, a trendy little bar where the only beverage served is Sierra Mist. (Yeah, big crowds in there... Ha!) Their guests will be drawn from all over the world! The questions will be drawn with magic markers on old MacDonald's take-out bags which Roo and Steve have carefully recycled. Now let's meet Roo and Steve! |
 Steve Ellen  Hi! And welcome to YOU ARE A WINNER, the show where everybody goes home happy, or at least goes home.If you're new to the game, then you might find the rules a tad complicated, but don't worry! You'll catch on quickly! Why? Because YOU ARE A WINNER! [audience applauds vigorously] One or more contestants will compete for cash or prizes, or maybe a date with each other, but that's only if they are both really good-looking. Or maybe they will win a new Hyundai or a trip to Canada! You never know what you'll win on Y.A.A.W., but you know you'll win SOMETHING because... audience? *YOU ARE A WINNER!!!* That's right! And aren't you a great audience? [audience cheers and whistles, one lady yells, "Yes I am, now! Yes I am!"] Now how do you play? We will select a category and you will come up with the question or answer. If you hear this sound *bing bong* then it's a BONUS round and we DOUBLE your score, but if you hear this sound "brrrap* then uh-oh, you lose your turn. Now if you're playing alone and get stuck, you can phone a friend. Or you can bring a friend with you if you don't think everybody will think you are gay. You can bring along your wife, sister, brother, mother, uncle, aunt, but if you bring your whole family to the studio to play along with you, then you will all have to stand up because we only have one chair for you. And please go to the bathroom BEFORE the show begins. NO weewee breaks! Well, I think that about covers the rules and we can tell you about the rules I missed when it comes time to apply them. Now, I am going to ask my lovely and talented co-host to introduce our first contestants. Roo? Roobear (Roo runs out from behind the stage like a madOur first contestant is Uncle Sam! He's actually from Tasmania, all you patriotic Americans... so don't get your hopes up. So come up to the stage, Sam! (A man who looks more like a neanderthal than a modern human being.) Initiation! Initiation! Ok, Sammy! It's time for your initiation. I know I've said that word a lot but who cares? It's INITIATION! (Steve and Roo grab those little party blowers from their pockets and start blowing until they have no more carbon dioxide to release.) *gasp* It's your turn, Sam! (With every last bit of strength, Roo hands Sam a party blower. Sam stares at them and hisses, yes, hisses.) "Wow, I've never met a guy who hisses... Okay, I have, but it's not my fault I got locked up in an insane assylum for three years!" Steve exclaims. I got put in one of those, too, Steve! I was at the Sunshine And All Bright Things Insane Assylum. They fed me lots of cream of celery soup and grape fruit juice. I was diagnosed__ "Um - maybe we should continue the show, Roo," Steve interrupts. Right. So Sam, tell us a little bit about yourself before we start. Steve Ellen SAM: America number one! I love America! Win big prize!STEVE: That's great, Uncle Sam. We love America, too, don't we folks? [Audience starts cheering. A woman with a powerful voice starts belting out the Star-Spangled Banner and everyone jumps to their feet and sings along.] STEVE: That was wonderful folks and that's our show for tonight! Just kidding! We can edit the tape. Okay, Sam, are you ready to win big? SAM: Ready! STEVE: Your category is Movie Stars for $500. Okay, Sam, WHAT'S THE QUESTION? SAM: Uhhh... Philadelphia! STEVE: That's right! YOU ARE A WINNER! Open the curtain, Julie. [Audience gasps] STEVE: You just won an ocean cruise to Tasmania! SAM: But that's where I come from. I save all my money for ten years to buy a ticket to America. STEVE: Isn't this a wonderful country, Sam? [Audience starts singing, "Oh oh say can you seeee..."] STEVE: Audience! Not now! Okay? Maybe later we'll have a singalong. Now, Sam, for double or nothing, where is the Liberty Bell located? SAM: What will happen to me if I get it right? STEVE: Sam! Sammy! Are you showing fear? You don't have to be afraid, because... YOU ARE A WINNER! Liberty Bell. Where is it? SAM: Is it lost? STEVE: No it's not lost, it's in Phil__? SAM: Phil has it? STEVE: No, Sam! A famous American city, birth place of independence, Phila__? SAM: Fill up my car, please? STEVE: Sam, you dummy, it's Philadelphia! ROO: Steve, you're getting angry again. Remember? Count to four, angry no more? STEVE: One, two, three, four. Ahhh... Peace. Okay, Sam, I'm gonna let Roo ask you the next question because I need a few minutes of quiet time. Roo? Roobear Wait a minute. Sam should have some competitors, then when they have the answer they can make the buzzy noise. After all, I'm feeling a little lonely..."Right," Steve says. "Any volenteers from the audience?" (The majority of the crowd raises their hand.) Okay, whoever are in the seats C17, S27, and L9 please come to the stage. (Everyone checks their assigned seating tickets to see if they are it. In a few moments a pimply teenager, an 8-year-old girl with blonde hair in pigtails, and a man in a Woody the Woodpecker costume come up.) Steve? Why don't you help me interview them? "All right," Steve agrees. "Who are you?" he asks the pimple-face teenanger. "Benny," he says, looking at his toes and blushing. "Hi Benny. What would be your dream prize?" "A-a date... I guess," he says with a stuffed-up nose. "K, kiddo, welcome to our show." STEVE: Okay, what's your name little girl? LITTLE GIRL: I am NOT a little girl! ROO: Okay, what's your name BIG girl? LITTLE GIRL: Shannon. Don't ever call me little again! (Shannon raises fist) Shannon's mom, out in the audience: Sweetie, remember your MANNERS! ROO: You know, suddenly I'm just so eager to interview the Woody Woodpecker guy. Why don't you go stand next to Benny over there and wait? (Shannon makes a humph! sound then walks over to Benny.) ROO: Hello, who are you behind your costume? GUY IN COSTUME: Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! (imitation for Woody's laugh, duh) ROO: Hey, are you the actual guy who does Woody's voice? GUY IN COSTUME: Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! ROO: Hmm... I see. You have such a way with words! "Well, it looks like it's time to start another round!" Steve announces. Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay! We've got Shannon, who is 8 years old. We've got Benny, who is 14 years old. We've got Woody Woodpecker, who is really old! [Hahahahaha!] And we've got our old friend Sam, who is not so old.ROO: And they all look like winners, Steve! STEVE: They sure do, Roo! Okay, Shannon, for $39.95, who is Barbie's boyfriend? SHANNON: I know it's not GI Joe, because he's my brother's boyfriend. Let's see? He-Man? No, he's dating one of the Power Rangers now. And it can't be that guy on Kim Impossible because she has him wrapped around her little finger. STEVE: Shannon? Got to have an answer, Shannon. Running out of time... SHANNON: Well, Barbie is so cute she can date whoever she wants! STEVE: But who does she want, Shannon? SHANNON'S MOM: It's Ken, honey! SHANNON: Ken? STEVE: Excellent-o-matic, Shannon! You are a winner! BENNY: Can I be next? STEVE: Sure. Your question is this: In the Periodic Table of Elements, what is the Atomic Number of Strontium? BENNY: What? You gotta be yanking my chain, dude! You ask the girl some dumb Barbie question, but I got to be Albert Einstein to answer mine? No way! That's sexual discrimination, man! STEVE: Why you little__ ...One, two, three, four, ahhhh. Okay, here's your question. Who is Barbie's boyfriend? BENNY: What!? Do you think I'm gay? What are you askin me bleeping dollbaby questions for? STEVE: Watch your language, punk! You said you didn't want to be discriminated against, didn't you? [Steve is red-faced and breathing hard} ROO: Uh, Steve? One two three four? Remember? STEVE: I need more quiet time. [Steve stomps off stage.] ROO: And I'll just ask the next question... Roobear Roo: Steve! Wait! This show is getting PG-13, didn't you tell everyone it was PG? Tsk, tsk, Stevie!Steve: I'll change it later... GRRRRR! (Continues running backstage, in slow motion for drama) Roo: All right, Benny... are your parents here? Benny: Yes... why? Roo: I will be asking you a question and they will need to verify your answer. Benny: But aren't I a winner anyway? Roo: Well... yes... but... don't question my authority! Your parents are gonna verify it. Now, here's your question for a dinner with Steve... it's his little apology. Benny: Okay... say it! Roo: Why did you parents name you Benny? Benny: I don't know, they never told me!! (Looks into his parents eyes) Roo: You have to know! Just say it! Benny: (his lips start to tremble) I don't... don't.... KNOW! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Roo: Whoa, calm down! Just guess! Benny: (in between sniffles) Because they liked it? (Roo looks at Benny's parents and they nod.) Roo: CORRECT! You've won a dinner with Steve! Steve, come out come out where ever you are! Steve: I've calmed down now. Meditated a little bit, and it helped. (puts on big smile) Roo: Then I guess you won't mind that you're going to treat Benny to dinner? Steve: WHAT?!?! Roo: One two three four! (looks frantic) One two three four! Audience, join in! One two three four! One two three four! Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay, you can stop counting now. I am calm. So where do you want to eat dinner, Benny?BENNY: Barf! I don't want to eat dinner with you! STEVE: You have to! You won the prize! I mean... That's fine. Maybe you would like to eat dinner with Roo then? BENNY: Now you're talking! ROO: Hold on, Steve! I don't want to eat dinner with that twerp! BENNY: Twerp? WODDY WOODPECKER: Hahahahaha! I'll eat dinner with you, sonny. BENNY: Get away from me! I ain't going nowhere with an old dude dressed up in a bird suit. You loony toony goony bird! WOODY: Hahahahaha! BENNY: I want cash! You said I'm a winner! Give me some money. And no lame prize like a case of Spam, either. ROO: Uh-oh, Steve. Looks like we have to give the Spam to somebody else. STEVE: How about Woodpecker Man? ROO: Steve, you dummy. Woodpeckers eat wood! STEVE: No they don't. They eat the bugs that live in the wood. ROO: Oh. I always thought they ate the wood? STEVE: I'm pretty sure they don't. BENNY: Hey, we're the contestants. Why don't you talk to us? SAM: Yes. Win big prize! WOODY: Hahahahaha! STEVE: Roo? I think I feel a need for some more quiet time coming on. ROO: I understand, Steve. Take a rest. STEVE: I don't know how you do it, Roo. [Steve shakes his head in amazement as he staggers off the stage] ROO: Alright! Are we ready to win? [Audience cheers: YAYYY!!!] Roobear Roo: Okay, back to Benny... well, we have a few prizes that ended up in our reject bin. You never know, trash can be treasure! All right, ya'll stay tight while I get the Reject Bin! (scurries offstage... scurries onstage with a box that says "Rejects" in spray paint.)Roo: All right, we've got some Steve money... it's a few pieces of paper that Steve drew on when he was little... awwwww.... Benny: I don't want that crap! Roo: Okay.... what about Barbie's hair clippings? Benny: No! Roo: How about this screwdriver? Benny: I'll screw Steve's brain with it! Roo: Well then... how about this box of Pampers? It's got some poor baby on the front... I've always felt bad for the poor babies who have to roll around in baby commercials naked to advertise... Benny: You have a sick, mind, Roo. Roo: No I don't! I would never put a baby on a diaper commercial if it was my choice! Benny: I'll take the stupid diapers then. Maybe I can sell them for a few nickels. Roo: YOU ARE A WINNER! Steve Ellen STEVE: How about a round of applause for Benny, folks! He was a great contestant!ROO: Steve, aren't we gonna ask Woodpecker Man anything? STEVE: I was afraid we might have to, Roo. WOODY WOODPECKER MAN: Hahahahaha! Just call me Woody. STEVE: Thanks! Yeah, that will be a lot easier to type. WOODY: Type? STEVE: Inside joke. Okay, your category is... Trees! How appropriate! WOODY: What does 'appropriate' mean? ROO: How right for you... since woodpeckers eat trees. STEVE: Bugs, Roo. ROO: Whatever. STEVE: Okay, Woody! Since you're so loony toony, what are the names of Donald Duck's tree nephews? WOODY: Oh wow, man! Hey, just because I'm a bird you think I know the names of all the relatives of every bird in the business? I never did a movie with this Donald Duck cat. He works for Disney, don't he? Man, that's way out of my league. Hahahahaha! STEVE: Right! YOU ARE A WINNER! What do we have for him, Roo? WOODY: But I didn't even... ROO: Shut up and be a winner. We have a lifetime supply of beak wax for him, Steve. STEVE: I'll bet that will come in handy! WOODY: Beak wax! I never even heard of it. What?Wax my beak? That makes no sense at... ROO: Shut up and be a winner. And that's not all, Steve! STEVE: There's more!? ROO: Oh, yes! This seems like a good time to dump the case of Spam and we can throw in a screwdriver in case he doesn't have a can opener. STEVE: Now everybody is happy! Okay, Woody, you got your prizes, now get off the stage. Shannon, you already won, honey. Beat it! Sam? Sayonara, buddy. Okay, Roo, the stage is cleared and ready for the fabulous next round of YOU ARE A WINNER! [Audience cheers so loud they start coughing and have to pat each other on the back] ROO: Stay tuned, folks! Beause we'll be right back after these brief commercial announcements... STEVE: We're advertising briefs now? Good. I need a new pair. These are worn out... Roobear Steve: Welcome back! Those of you who are watching this on TV, sorry for all the commercials advertising Nickelodeon's All Grown Up movie...Roo: All right. Steve, will you pick our lucky audience members? Steve: Yes! N1... T21, Q7, and F10. (Audience checks their seats again, then 4 people come to the stage.) Steve Ellen STEVE: Bingo!ROO: Huh? STEVE: You know? N1, T21, Q7... Bingo! ROO: Right, Steve. (rolls her eyes) STEVE: Our first contestant is a troll. Glad to meet you sir! TROLL: how r u? m i a winner yet? STEVE: Not yet, sir. And your name? TROLL: troll337. STEVE: Riiight... Okay, and our next contestant is a young woman, Miss Honey Darling from South Also, Alabama! Welcome! HONEY: Well, thank you all, Mister Steve and Miss Roo. I just love your hair, Roo. ROO: [self-consciously running a hand through her hair] Uh... thank you, and your hair sure does shine. HONEY: I put glitter in it, just for your show. I just LOVE you all. I watch the show ALL the time! STEVE: This is our first show, but I appreciate the compliment. Thanks! And our next contestant is... [Steve's eyes pop open in surprise] STEVE: (Whispering to Roo) You better handle this one! Roobear Roo: BUSH???Bush: yes, I decided to come to this show for some extra publication for my election. (audiences boos and throws tomatoes at Bush) Roo: Ugh! Get out of here! I'm anti-bush! Bush: Security!! (Security grabs Roo away) Roo: (screams) But freedom of speech! (The guards let her go.) Security Man 1: Sorry, Georgie, but we follow the costitution more than you. Security Man 2: Dis! (Security Man 1 kicks the other man.) (Roo sighs) Roo: All in a day's work. Now it's my time to get some quiet time. Take care of it for me, Steve! (Roo scurries off backstage.) Steve Ellen STEVE: Wow! That was exciting, folks. You never know WHO is going to turn up on YOU ARE A WINNER!JULIE: Steve? STEVE: yes, Julie? Folks, this is Julie our curtain girl. She's the one that pulls back the curtain to reveal a prize. What is it, Julie? JULIE: I was just wondering why I never get to pull the curtain back? STEVE: Well, we haven't had any really big prizes lately, but go ahead and pull it back if you need to. JULIE: Thanks, Steve! STEVE: Now, let's get back to our contestants... JULIE: Steve? STEVE: What is it, Julie? JULIE: You are supposed to say, "Show them what's behind the curtain, Julie." Then I pull back the curtain. STEVE: (gritting his teeth) Fine. Show them what's behind the curtain, Julie. [Curtain is pulled aside to reveal embarrassing scene involving two stagehands.] JULIE: Yikes! STEVE: Close the curtain, Julie! Close the curtain! Roobear (Two men are fighting, with screams of, "Julie's MY girlfriend!" and "Julie likes me more!")"Awww, two men fighting over me. How lovely!" Julie gushes, giving them both a hug. First they'rer flattered, then they scream, "Hey!! Why did you hug him?" "Who to choose?" Julie asks. STEVE: I know! Let's have a contest. Roo! (Roo comes back.) ROO: Bush is gone! Cool! What's this? (Roo looks at the scene before here, Julie and the two men.) STEVE: We have to host a contest, to see which man will be Julie's boyfriend. ROO: That's a dumb way to find love... err... I mean, great! So any ideas on how to do this? Steve? Steve Ellen STEVE; Not a clue, Blue. I mean, Roo. Unless... No, we can't do that.ROO: What, Steve? What? What? If we can't do it, then I like it already. STEVE: Well... Come over here where they can't hear us. (whispers) Remember that thing with Solomon and the baby where both women want the baby and he says, "Well, I'll give you each half of the baby," and then one woman says, "No, just give the whole baby to her so it will not die," and then Solomon says, "Since you were willing to give up the child to preserve it's life, then YOU must be the true mother of the child"? ROO: What's your point, Steve? I fell asleep halfway through your little story. STEVE: We cut Julie in half and give each stagehand half of her. ROO: Steve, as stupid as you are, even you must know we can't do that. STEVE: Well, I said it was something we couldn't do. But we aren't going to really do it, Roo! We're just gonna fool them, make them THINK we're gonna do it. Then we see which one loves Julie enough to give her up so she won't die. ROO: You're bananas. STEVE: Yeah, well even bananas come up with a good idea sometimes. ROO: No they don't. STEVE: Let's just try it. ROO: You've got the brains of a turnip. STEVE: Okay, can you stop insulting me for awhile? ROO: Whatever. STEVE: Okay, you stagehands. Here is the solution. We are gonna cut Julie in half and give half of her to each of you. STAGEHAND ONE: Are you gonna cut her into a left and right half, or into a top and bottom half? STAGEHAND TWO: I want the top half! No, wait! The bottom half! STAGEHAND ONE: You ain't gettin' nothing because I'm taking BOTH halves. [Stagehands are fighting again, throwing punches and yelling at each other] ROO: You really solved that problem, Steve. Nice work, Doctor Phil. STEVE: Okay, Little Orphan Oprah, let's see YOU figure out which one gets Julie. Roobear Julie: Stop it! I don't want either of you if you would actually want half of my body... that's just gross. I'm going through my mid-life crisis anyway.... I don't need more complications.Steve: And your mid-life crisis is...? Julie: Being middle-aged! Ugh! I hate my life! (Runs out of studio) Roo: Well, it looks like Roo solved another problem... Steve Ellen STEVE: But now we don't have a curtain girl!ROO: Oh calm down, Steve. I can pull the curtain. STEVE: *grumbles under breath* ROO: What's that, Steve? STEVE: I said, let's get this show moving. Okay! We have two contestants introduced so far -- troll337 and Honey from the South. Let's meet contestant number three. ROO: Here he is, Steve. STEVE: Benny! No, no, not Benny again! ROO: He got the *bing bong* sound, Steve. Remember? Extra turn? STEVE: I'll give it another try then. Welcome back, Benny. Ready to be a winner? BENNY: That old guy in the bird suit is not going to play, is he? STEVE: He's gone. BENNY: Can I win that date with Roo now? STEVE: (looks at Roo with evil grin) Sure, Benny! I think Roo would like that very much! Right, Roo? Roobear *Roo scowls*Roo: Can I wear a paper bag over my head? Steve: Benny? What do you think? Benny: No! Roo: grrrrrrr.... why don't we just send you to Antartica for your prize? Benny: They eat whales there. Roo: Do they? Well you can be a vegetarian. Steve: It looks like we'll have to have the audience vote! Click the red button on your chair if Roo should date Benny, and click the blue one if she shouldn't. Roo: Oh no.... Steve Ellen STEVE: While we're waiting for those votes, I want to thank everybody for the many fan letters and emails we have received. Unfortunately, most of them say "More Roo - less Steve!" but I can... I can... *sob*... I can take rejection.Okay, the votes are in! Guess what, Roo! The red buttons win! [Audience goes wild, cheering and yelling. A chant builds: "Benny and Roo! Roo and Benny! Benny and Roo! Roo and Benny!] Well, Roo, I can see by the big smile on Benny's face that EVERYBODY is happy over this! Roo? Catch her! [Roo falls over on the floor -- SPLAT!] Somebody sprinkle cold water on her face! I think she fainted! [Helpful stagehand dumps a tub full of icewater on Roo] Roobear Roo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GRRRRRRRRRRR!Benny: I'm a winner, yes I am! I'm a winner, yes I am! Roo: I would NEVER go out with you by choice! We'll have to go somewhere so far away that nobody I know sees me! Anyway, is it really ok for a 12 year old to date a 14 year old? Steve: It doesn't matter, Benny won a date with you! Roo: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Steve Ellen STEVE: And folks, we will be sending a cameraman along with Benny and Roo, so next week, right here on YOU ARE A WINNER, you can see their date for yourselves! Now, THAT's Reality!Benny? Where would you and Roo like to go? BENNY: Well, I was thinking about go-cart racing if Roo likes that. Of course, if she just wants to see a movie or something, that's okay, too. STEVE: You know, Benny, you seem to be a nice guy. I'm sorry I yelled at you the first time you were here. BENNY: That's okay, Steve. I know you wish you were cool like me. I understand, dude. STEVE: Why you little... ROO: Steve! STEVE: One, two, three, four... ROO: What happened to the other contestants? STEVE: Huh? (looks around bewildered) I guess they wandered off. Well, if they can't stick around for five minutes, they don't deserve to play. How about rounding up some new contestants for us, Roo? Roobear Roo: Ok. I'll go out with Benny as soon as his pimply face clears up. Deal?Benny: *sighs* Deal. Roo: Now for contestants... let's have a themed round, to spice it up you know? Steve: What's the theme? Roo: Let's see... anyone who can't swim please stand up. (7 people stand up.) Roo: Ok, now to narrow this down, anyone who wants to learn how to swim stand up, and those who don't want to sit. (2 people sit.) Roo: Ok, five people, pretty good! Come to the stage, please. Steve Ellen STEVE: This is a surprise to me too, folks. I wonder if it has anything to do with that huge portable glass-walled tank I saw backstage? I'm beginning to wish I had come to rehearsal today.Roo? What do you want me to do? Roobear Roo: I want to change the game a bit, just for this round. Instead of the usual question and answer thing, why don't we have a relay race in a 2 foot pool?Steve: But they can't swim. Roo: *rolls eyes* It's a 2 foot deep pool... Steve: But they still can't swim. Roo: They're going to run!! Steve: Oh.... now why don't we interview these guys real quick before we start the race? And where the heck is the pool? Roo: Behind the studio... you know there's some resort there? We just have to bring the cameramen with us and go to the kiddie pool... and connect the video cameras to our live tv screen in the studio... so everone can watch. Steve: Isn't that a bit complicated? Roo: No... well, yes.... but that's not the point! We're having a relay race and you're gonna interview the people before we go! Now! Steve: Whoa... one two three four? Roo: Ahh... all better. Please interview them for me. Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay, Roo. Hi, people who can't swim.PEOPLE: Hi, Steve! STEVE: Okay, let's take you one by one, although I was really impressed with the way all five of you could say the same thing at the same time. PEOPLE: Thanks, Steve. STEVE: Uncanny. Okay, nonswimmer number one, introduce yourself please. NONSWIMMER ONE: Steve, I'm Elaine Bubblegum from High Point, North Carolina. STEVE: Hi, Elaine. Bubblegum is an unusual name. ELAINE BUBBLEGUM: Well, my mom was chewing gum when the stork came. STEVE: The stork? But why would she change your last name? ELAINE BUBBLEGUM: The stork told her to, Steve. STEVE: I see. Elaine, I get the feeling that there are a lot of things you can't do besides swim. ELAINE BUBBLEGUM: That's right, Steve. I can't tie my shoes. I can't sharpen a pencil. I can't__ STEVE: That's okay, Elaine. We don't need to hear all of them. But you DO want to learn to swim? ELAINE: Oh, yes, Steve! Everyone in my family can swim except me and that makes me feel a little odd, you know? STEVE: I understand. Okay, nonswimmer number two, what is your name? NONSWIMMER TWO: Howdy, Steve! I'm Marvin Miracle from Moon Mountain, Montana! STEVE: That's a lot of "M"s there, Marvin! MARVIN: That ain't the half of it, Steve! I work at the M&Ms plant! [Audience chuckles.] STEVE: Hahaha! Good one, Marvin. What's this you're handing me? It's a bag of M&Ms, folks! Roo, would you like some M&Ms? (offers bag to Roo) Roobear Roo: Yaaay! *gobbles M&M's* I'll interview the rest of them. Who are you?Nonswimmer #3: I'm Betsy Mae, dart tootin, ya'll! I eat the criminals of the west for breakfast. Roo: Yet you can't swim. Besty Mae: Right. Roo: Whatever. Who are you? Nonswimmer #4: Lary. It's freeeeeeeeeeee! Roo: Not you! I've had enough of your commercials. Lary: At least you think of my commercials. You'd probably buy a mattress from me rather than anyone else anyway. Roo: I don't need a new mattress. Lary: *sticks up nose* Well then. Roo: You can't swim? Lary: Well... you see, I used to have a severe bed wetting problem. I'd drown in my own urine every night. Audience: Ewwwww! Lary: Ewww is right. Pretty soon I had to keep buying new mattresses, 'cause you can't really wash them. So then I opened my own store, so I could get mattresses for free. Roo: What does that have to do with swimming? Lary: I'm afraid to swim because I've almost drowned many a time from my own pee. Roo: You're gross. I never want to go to your mattress store. Let's get on with the interviews... next? Nonswimmer #5: Me? Roo: There's no one left to interview but you. Nonswimmer #5: Oh, yeah. Roo: So... what's your name? Nonswimmer #5: Yoda. Roo: Don't tell me you're one of those obsessed Star Trek fanatics! Yoda: I am. I got my name legally changed to Yoda and I've gone on every ride in the country that's Star Trek themed. Roo: So where's your lame little costume? All Star Trek fanatics have to wear costumes. Yoda: Obviously you haven't seen the Star Trek Fanatic code book, page 612, section IMLOZR1; Star Trek fanatics all have to wear costumes unless you legally change your name to Yoda. Roo: You're a freak. Yoda: No, I'm a Yoda. Steve: Well, now that we're done with interviews, let's get on to the race! *AT THE KIDDIE POOL...* Steve Ellen STEVE: Here we are at the kiddie pool. Can they see us, Al? Good. That's Al, our director. We'll have to intoduce him one day.Okay, are you guys ready? ELAINE: Yes, Steve! MARVIN: Sure am, pardner! BETSY MAE: Why sure, Stevie! (winks at Steve) LARY: Steve, I'm a little scared, but I think I can go through with this. I just hope I don't pee in my pants. YODA: May the force be with us. STEVE: How right you are, Yoda man. Care for an M&M? YODA: I nourish myself with my mind. STEVE: Do ya, Yoda? Fascinating. Anyone else want an M&M? Because I'm gonna finish the bag if nobody wants any? ROO: Okay, everybody pay attention now. Roobear Roo: Go to the starting mark... where the stairs are.(Everyone goes into the kiddie pool) Larry: I'm scared! Steve: It's ok. Everything will be ok. shhh... Roo: First one to the end of the pool wins! No eating bubble gum while running, Elaine, tsk tsk... Steve: Ready? Roo: Ready. Steve: On your mark.. get set... lettuce! Hahaha! I love that one. Errr... One your mark - get set - GO! Steve Ellen STEVE: They're off and running! Oops! Are you okay, Elaine? Somebody help her up. Stop screaming, Elaine. You aren't drowning.ROO: Larry, you better not be doing what I'm thinking you're doing! STEVE: Go! Go! Uh, Roo, Yoda is walking on top of the water. Is that allowed? ROO: In the water, Yoda! Not on top of it. YODA: The Force made me do it. BETSY MAE: Ooh! This water is cold! Stevie, aren't you coming in? Roobear Steve: No... I have to watch the race!Roo: And Yoda is disqualified for cheating... Betsy Mae is dragging last, but Lary is in first! I think all his fear is giving him some extra incentive. Steve Ellen STEVE: Go, Lary! But wait, Marvin the Miracle is coming up fast! Can he beat the mattress man?YODA: The dark side of the Force is strong today... Roobear Roo: And Marvin passes Lary! What a miracle! Er - for Marvin at least.Steve: That must be why his last name is Miracle! (Roo kicks Steve) Steve: Hey! What was that for? Roo: For being lame. Steve: Can I kick you when you're lame? Roo: It's only fair, I guess, so ok. (They continue narrating, and with everything said one kicks the other.) Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay, enough with the kicks already. Now I really am lame. [Steve limps]ROO: What do we have for Marvin, Stve? After all, he IS a winner. STEVE: Well, if you hadn't run off Julie the curtain girl, maybe we would know what we have. ROO: You ran her off with that "cut the girl in half" nonsense. So lame, Steve. Anyway, I told you I could pull the curtain myself. STEVE: Well, pull it. ROO: But we're out here in back of the studio by a kiddie pool. Where's the curtain? STEVE: How about the shower curtain in that bathroom over there? ROO: Are you pulling my leg? STEVE: Are you pulling that curtain? ROO: Boy, are YOU in a yucky mood! [Steve mumbles something} ROO: What? STEVE: I said maybe if my leg wasn't a mass of bruises then I would FELL BETTER! ROO: Zheesh! It's not my fault you're so lame. STEVE: Yes it is! ROO: I meant your head. Is this the curtain? STEVE: Yeah. Pull it. ROO: There's nothing here but a bathtub. STEVE: How about that, folks! A brand new bathtub for Marvin the Miracle! Congrats, Marv, because YOU ARE A WINNER! [Roo kicks Steve in leg] STEVE: Ouch! Roobear Roo: Sorry, Marvin.. here's you're real prize. You get to raid Steve's house and choose 1 object that you want!Marvin: Awesome! Steve: GRRRRRRRRRRR Roo: One two three four. Steve: All better. Roo: (whispers to camera) Works like a charm... Steve Ellen STEVE: What about the four losers, Roo? Oops! I mean what about the other four winners? There ARE NO LOSERS on YOU ARE A WINNER![Audience is probably cheering. They can't be heard out here in back of the studio.] Roo, maybe we should go back inside and see if the audience is still there? Or do you want to challenge me to a race in the kiddie pool? Roobear Roo: I would love to race you! Camera guys, go take the winner and other winners back to the studio - entertain everyone. We'll meet you there.Steve: Ready? Roo: One... two... three! (Steve and Roo start running) Steve Ellen [Steve deliberately splashes water in Roo's face]ROO: Hey! That's cheating! STEVE: No girl is gonna beat me! Even if I have to cheat! Roobear Roo: Of course I'll beat you! *giggles*Ten minutes later Steve: I don't know if I should be surprised. What do you think, Roo? Steve Ellen ROO: I know that I am not surprised.STEVE: Well, I am surprised. I am VERY surprised! Race again? Roobear Roo: No, I'm satisfied. Let's go back to the studio.*At the studio* (Audience is throwing tomatoes at the cameramen) Steve Ellen STEVE: We're back![Audience cheers] ROO: Did ya miss me? AUDIENCE: Yes! STEVE: Well, let's get on with the show. We call this next segment SHOCKING! As you know, all the chairs in the audience are wired for electricity. We are going to randomly select one chair to electrify, so when you feel the tingle, let us know. [Steve pushes a big yellow button] SOMEBODY IN AUDIENCE: Yieeeee! STEVE: There's our shockee! Come on down! [A man runs up on stage. Little wisps of smoke are rising from the seat of his pants] Roobear Roo: Wow, you look like Harry Potter!Harry-Potter-looking person: Yeah, I got plastic surgery. Roo: No comment. Steve: What's your name? Harry-Potter-looking person: Harry. Steve: Your real name? Harry: That is my real name. I'll read any book where the main character's name is Harry. The only good one I've read so far is Harry Potter. Roo: Yeah... let's get on with this. All these tv show and book fanatics are starting to creep me out. Steve: Now Roo... be nice. Roo: Fine. What's the question, Harry? (says in exasperated tone) Steve Ellen HARRY: I get to ask a question?STEVE: Sure. That's SHOCKING, isn't it? And Roo and I will try to answer it. HARRY: What's the name of the school I go to in the books. STEVE: I have to confess I haven't read the books, but I've seen them talked about on TV so much, I think I might get this one. It has the syllable "wit" in it, I think. Something like Hogwit or Hogwitch. Am I close? Roobear Roo rolls her eyes.Roo: It's Hogwarts! Steve: So you read it too? Roo: Well yeah, but I don't pretend to be Hermione or something... Steve: Who's Hermione? Steve Ellen HARRY: She's a girl.STEVE: Well I KNOW that. I guess she goes to Hogwarts? HARRY: Right. STEVE: You're not giving me much here, Harry. Roobear Roo: Yeah, I would pretend to be Hermione because she's a girl... that is, if I was a Harry Potter fanatic. But I like the Pendragon series more...(Hey everyone! A little advertising here: go buy the Pendragon series by D.J. MacHale!) Steve Ellen STEVE: So what's that one about, a dragon farm? They keep the dragons in these big pens made out of concrete and steel. And Vanessa, the daughter of the dragon farmer, gets attached to this baby dragon named Flame. Then when it comes time to sell Flame, Vanessa doesn't want to give him up, so Vanessa and Flame run away together and have lots of adventures. Roobear Roo: No, no, no! It has nothing to do with a dragon... you should go to http://www.thependragonadventure.com/ so I don't have to explain.Steve: Okay. Roo: Now! Steve: Geez... Steve Ellen STEVE: It looks readable. Man, Bobby sure has a lot of beard shadow for a 14-year-old in that Book Five cover illustration! I guess he's growing up fast traveling around battling evil.HARRY: What about me? STEVE: I don't think Roo likes you. Or warts. Or hogs. She likes Bobby. HARRY: Oh boo hoo hoo. If I had my magic wand, Roo would be a porcupine right now. STEVE: Thank goodness you don't have that wand. Roo is prickly enough already! Roobear Roo: Hey! I just shaved my legs yesterday! I am NOT prickly!Steve: That's not what I meant... Roo: (blushes) Oh. And Bobby looks hot in the fifth book! Hehehehe! He's fifteen in that book, anyway. My bro has a goatee and he's fifteen, so it looks like they're even. Harry: Or I could make you a bearded lady... Roo: Harry, now that you gave us the question, here's your prize... and all-expense paid trip out of the studio! *giggles* Steve Ellen HARRY: Hey! That's not fair!STEVE: Sorry, Harry. Roo has spoken. But we are going to throw in a little bonus! What's behind the curtain, Roo? [Roo tries to pull back the curtain, stumbles, rips the curtain off it's hanger, and Roo and the curtain fall on the prize. A crashing, tinkling noise is heard.] STEVE: It's a box of broken toys! And Harry, we are going to throw in a Little Handy Andy Tool Kit so that you can have lots of fun repairing all those broken toys. HARRY: This really__ STEVE: Uh-uh-uhhhh, Harry. PG? Remember? HARRY: I don't feel like a winner. STEVE: But you are, Harry. YOU ARE A WINNER! (Are you okay, Roo? You took quite a fall there...) Roobear Roo: I'm fine. It's so nice to be done with Harry!Harry: *grunts* Roo: Ok. Here's your broken toys. The guards will provide you with an all expenses paid trip out of the studio. Buh-bye! Steve Ellen Your hair is mussed. Maybe we should try to get Julie back to be our curtain girl again? Roobear Roo: No! She was annoying.Steve: Maybe we can have an audience member volunteer. Steve Ellen STEVE: Anybody out there want to be a curtain girl?Yes, I guess it can be a guy. You look familiar. What's your name? NEW CURTAIN GUY: Woody. Hahahahaha! STEVE: Uh-oh. Well, just stand over there by the curtain and don't say anything. When we say pull the curtain, that's your cue. WOODY: Hahahahaha! STEVE: And no laughing, either! Roo? What or who is up next? Roobear Roo: Well, let's see... I think it's time we invite somebody in who isn't in the audience. Celebrities, ya know?Steve: Celebrities? Roo: Oh fine, just random people outside! Steve: And then what? Roo: We interview them and ask them a question and then we give them their prize. Steve: Ok. And by the way audience, you can always donate to our prize fund - we don't really get much money from this show, we just give, so yeah... Roo: I don't think they care. Steve: Nope, they don't. *sighs* Steve Ellen STEVE: Al, can you drag somebody in here from off the street? Okay. Thanks, Al.While we are waiting, I'll ask Roo a question. If you could visit anyplace in the world, where would you want to go? And why? Roobear Roo: The Writing.Com convention, DUH! And how is Al, by the way? Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay, only thing Al could find was a talking horse. What do you think? You want to interview a horse? Roobear Roo: Is it another guy in a costume? Steve Ellen STEVE: No. Al says it's a real talking horse. He used to do an act, but he's retired now and just hangs out in the neighborhood. He was known as Wonderful Wilfred, the Amazing Talking Horse. But that was years ago. Roobear Roo: This show is freaking me out a bit...Steve: Me too. Roo: But oh well! Bring in the horse. Steve Ellen An old broken-down horse is led into the studio.ROO: He can talk but he can't walk by himself. STEVE: Don't be so hard on him. Remember, he's just a horse, even if he can talk a little. Hello, Mister Horsie, how are you today? WILFRED: There is no need to treat me like a moron, Steve. I still have a few brain cells left. ROO: It talks! STEVE: Uh, sorry Wonderful Wilfred. WILFRED: Just call me Wilfred. Roobear Roo: I think you're a machine... there's probably some guy controlling your voice but he wasn't bright enough to install something in to you to let you walk.Wilfred: No, I'm an actual horse! Why are ya so hard on me anyway? Roo: Well I love horses - but I don't think you're real. Wilfred: Feel my chest - I have a heartbeat. Steve Ellen ROO: That could be a recording or something.WILFRED: Well, how do I know YOU are real? Maybe you're a machine but the guy who built you wasn't bright enough to... to... ROO: To what? WILFRED: To make you see that I am real. STEVE: Well, even if you are both machines, it's still amazing that you can think and talk. Roobear Roo: I'm not a machine!Wilfred: And neither am I! Steve: Who really cares, let's just get on with the game! Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay, Roo and Wilfred, are you ready to begin. You don't need fresh batteries or anything, do you?[Roo glares at Steve. Wilfred chuckles.] You know, Roo, when you give me that hard stare you look just like a Terminator. WILFRED: I like Arnold. STEVE: You do? You watch movies? WILFRED: Oh sure. What do you think I do? Stand around in a pasture all day watching the grass grow? Roobear Roo: Ok, can we play the game now?? Steve Ellen STEVE: Sure... Wilfred, who wrote the famous novel Black Beauty?WILFRED: Anna Sewell. STEVE: Not bad. Who played the girl in the first big Black Beauty movie? WILFRED: Elizabeth Taylor. STEVE: Hey, you're pretty good at this. Listen closely. There is a shipwreck at night in a storm. A boy and a wild horse are washed overboard and end up on an isolated beach where they slowly become friends. What's the movie? WILFRED: The Black Stallion. STEVE: Excellent! Roo, do you think you can stump this guy? Roobear Roo: I would try if I was into the movie biz, but I'm not. So what's behind the curtain?Steve: Our curtain guy - where did he go? Steve Ellen [A sound is heard from behind the curtain *Hahahahaha!*]STEVE: Hey, Woody! What do we have for Wilfred?... WOODY!... WOOOO-DEEEE!... Roo, can you see what happened to our curtain guy? Roobear Roo: I'm not about to go chasing that freaky bird guy. You do it!Steve: Oh, all right. You stay here with Wilfred and make small talk. *Steve runs off* Roo: Um... hi? Wilfred: Pathetic. Steve Ellen [Steve runs behind curtain]STEVE: Woody? Are you back here? Where did that bird go? Oh, well. I'll just pull the curtain myself. ROO: So Wilfred, do you ever let anybody ride you? WILFRED: Nope. I'm all done with that nonsense. It's just the easy life for me, now. STEVE: Okay, I'm back. Wilfred, you lucky horse, you win a brand new saddle! It's a deluxe saddle made of the finest Mexican leather and tooled with a beautiful design. YOU ARE A WINNER! Roobear Wilfred: But I don't let people ride me anymore!Steve: Shhh, don't let that get out. You are a winner! Wilfred: This show stinks. Roo: No it doesn't! No show with me as a co-host could stink. Steve Ellen STEVE: Right you are, Roo. And Wifred?WILFRED: What, Steve? STEVE: You smell like a horse! Hahahahahaha! ROO: Hahahahahaha! [Wilfred whinnies, flicks his tail, and gallops away.] STEVE: Hahaha... wait... hahaha *gasp*... Whoa, boy! Hahahaha! ROO: Hahahahahaha! STEVE: Hahaha... *wheeze* ... hohoho... Whew! What a horse. Oh look, Roo. Wilfred left us a little present on the floor. Ewwww... Roobear Roo: Eww! Why don't you err... take care of that and I'll go find some contestants in the audience? Steve Ellen STEVE: Okay. Al! Do we have a shovel? Roobear *Roo goes through audience gathering up random people*Steve: Ewww! Wilfred ate a ring - a diamond ring! Roo: (yells) Don't you dare even think about trying to get that ring! Steve Ellen STEVE: But it's a diamond! Some poor bride might be crying over her lost wedding ring right now! Don't you care, Roo?Al, do you have some tweezers? Roobear Roo: (sighs) At least you're using tweasers. How are we supposed to find that bride anyway? Steve Ellen STEVE: Hmmm... You're right. I didn't think of that. Want a nice ring? It just needs a little washing. Roobear Roo: I'll never touch it.Steve: But it's a diamond! Roo: I don't need diamonds to be happy! Audience: Awwwww Roo: Well, I think I have enough contestants. We can give the ring as a prize or something. Scoop it up and put it backstage. Steve: You're bossy today. Roo: Sorry. Steve Ellen STEVE: That's okay. I don't know what made me say that. It's like someone's putting words in my mouth. You know what I mean?ROO: Sure. I often feel that way myself. STEVE: Do you? ROO: I wouldn't have said I did if I didn't. STEVE: Ooooo.... Bosss-sssayyy... ROO: [hands on hips] Are you ready to play, Steve? STEVE: Sure, bosslady... Roobear Roo: (sighs) All right, chosen contestants, come on up!A few people walk up to the stage, one of them is using an electric scooter. Steve Ellen STEVE: Well, this looks like a great group of winners. [Steve notices a boy wearing an "I LOVE ROO" T-shirt.] Roo, I didn't know you had a fan club. Roobear Roo: I didn't think I did. This will be interesting....Steve: What about I Love Steve shirts? Steve Ellen BOY: Give it up, Steve. Roo is cool. You are... well, you are you.STEVE: Yeah. And proud of it! I'll just have to wear my own T-shirt. So, who is the president of this Roo Fan Club? BOY: Uh, that would be Benny, I guess. ROO: Benny! BOY: Yeah, he said you knew him. STEVE: Heehee... She does. ROO: Hmph! Let's just play the game. STEVE: I'm ready. Who is our first contestant? BOY: What about me? STEVE: Wait your turn. Steve Ellen BOY: But I'm right here!STEVE: Fine... What's your name? BOY: Carlton Chadwicke the Third. ROO: Nice name! CARLTON: Thanks! You can just call me Chad. STEVE: Okay, Chad. How would you like to spin the Wheel of Prosperity? CHAD: Sure! STEVE: Give it a good spin. That's it. And it lands on one thousand! Excellent spin! Now, see that blackboard on the side of the stage? CHAD: Yes? STEVE: I want you to write Carlton Chadwicke the Third on that blackboard 1000 times. CHAD: Do I have to? ROO: Steve! Why are you making him do that? STEVE: That's for having such a goofy name. ROO: I like his name, Steve. CHAD: Yeah, Roo likes it. STEVE: Just get over there and start writing if you want to win. And there's a time limit, too! Start the clock, Al! Roobear Chad: you're a big meanie!! A humongous meanie I tell you!Steve: All right, you only have to write it 100 times. K? Chad: (sighs) Steve Ellen STEVE: Now why did I say that? (Looks suspiciously at Roo) ROO: (smiling innocently) Next contestant? STEVE: Our next winner is this fine looking gentleman right here. What's your name, sir? GENTLEMAN: I'm Rusty Roads from Rah Rah, Arkansas. ROO: You should be the one at the blackboard. STEVE: Now, Roo, I like his name. How big a town is Rah Rah? RUSTY: Not too big. It's not all that small either. But it's not huge. And not tiny. STEVE: Medium-sized? RUSTY: Maybe a bit smaller than that, but not a LOT smaller. ROO: CAN WE GET ON WITH THE GAME! STEVE: Roo! I'm just being friendly. Okay, Rusty, I'll let Roo takeover now and make you a winner somehow. Roobear Roo: This weirdo contestants are killing me. What did I just say?Rusty: That the weird contestants are killing you. Roo: You are a winner! Steve Ellen STEVE: How about that, Rusty? It doesn't get any easier than that, does it?Carlton Chadwicke the third, are you done? CHAD: Yes. STEVE: Then YOU ARE A WINNER! Okay, folks! That does it for our first show. I hope you all enjoyed it and we'll see you right here next week! [Audience applauding and cheering.] ROO: And remember... YOU ARE A WINNER! AUDIENCE: YAYYYYY!!!! Roobear Roo: No, it's Yayhoodles!Audience member: Since when? Roo: Wow, you're bold. You should be the next contestant. And since forever! I love that word. Steve Ellen Al: Transportation was furnished by FlyCheap AirLines. Our guests stay at the beautiful Downtowner Hotel. Some parts of this program unrelated to the outcome have been edited. All questions are the property of R-S Productions. Copyright 2004, R-S Productions.*Bim bim bim biiiimmmm* R-s Productions is a division of MediaMoguls, Inc., a United Products Company. Produced in association with Writing.com... Up next... Who Wants To Marry An Armadillo? Roobear *Audince members leave*Roo: Wow. I thought we would never get a break! Steve: You weren't enjoying it? Roo: No, it's not that... I thought we'd host the game show day and night and never stop. Steve: You're crazy. Roo: I know. Steve Ellen STEVE: So what do you think about the "Date With Benny" idea? We send a cameraman with the two of you, just taking still pictures. Then, on our gameshow, we show slides of your evening with Benny while you narrate and I make comments. It could be very entertaining. Especially if Benny messes up, which he probably will. Roobear Roo: Will it embarrass him?Steve: Probably. Roo: Then I'm up for it!! Bring it on! *At the date... at a dinky McDonalds, which is on Roo's gross restauruants list* Steve Ellen Benny: I was surprised you said yes to the date. What made you change your mind? Roobear Benny: I always wanted to go. (He takes another huge bite of his burger and chews it like a cow would chew a pound of grass.)Roo: Why did I let you choose the restaurant? The salad is far from fresh, I think they aged it or something like they do with the cheese. I can't eat any of their meat and they refused to take the tomatoes off my salad! Steve: You could have gotten a veggie burger. Roo: I don't like them very much. Boca burgers are better. Benny: The fries are good. (he says this while his mouth is full) Roo: Ew. The fries are fattening, but yes, good. Benny: Let's stop complaining. I'm the luckiest man alive! Roo: Luckiest pimply adolecent alive, that is. Steve Ellen BENNY: Whatever. You're lucky, too, you know. Lots of girls want to go out with me.ROO: Oh, give me a break! You're conceited, too? BENNY: Well, you aren't exactly easy to get along with. ROO: And why is that, genius? BENNY: You act like I'm something that crawled out of the swamp. ROO: Well? BENNY: I'm president of your fan club! I LIKE you! Doesn't that count for anything? Roobear Roo: Okay, but... I barely know you and you want to go out with me. It's just a bit creepy.Benny: Want a "I Love Roo" shirt? Roo: Yeah, it's just creepy. Steve Ellen BENNY: Well, I'm not creepy. I just saw you on TV and thought you were cool. I still think you are cool. I'm just disappointed that you don't like me. That's all. Roobear Roo: Fine then... new start?Benny: Yay! I'm cool! I'm cool! I'm the awesomest! Roo: Don't ruin it. Benny: Er - sorry. Steve: Commercial announcement! September is short story month, where are contestants will be sharing stories with us! Yay! Roo: That sounds fun! Benny: Do I get to go on again? Roo: Sure! Steve Ellen BENNY: Do you want the rest of those fries?ROO: No, you can have them. BENNY: You didn't finish your burger, either. STEVE: Uh, Benny, the show will be glad to buy you guys some more food. BENNY: Hey, thanks, Steve! This is a great date. I get to be with Roo. I don't have to pay for anything. And you are right there in the next booth listening to everything I say. That's cool, Steve. STEVE: Uh, sorry. I'll try not to intrude. ROO: Is this over yet? Roobear Steve: No.Roo: Anyway, it was a veggie burger. I stopped eating hamburgers and all meat quite a long time ago... Steve Ellen BENNY: Why, Roo? Animals taste good. Roobear Roo: DON'T EVER TELL A VEGETARIAN THAT!!!Steve: It's a raw nerve of her's, Benny. Steve Ellen BENNY: Well, geez, hamburgers taste good. That's just the way it is. STEVE: Veggie burgers taste good. BENNY: I'll eat any kind of burger. ROO: Hmph! STEVE: This isn't going as well as I had hoped. BENNY: It's not YOUR fault, Steve. ROO: Hmph! STEVE: No, it IS my fault. Never put a vegetarian and a meat-eater together. It just doesn't work. BENNY: Aw, that's stupid, Steve. Roo doesn't care what I eat, do you, Roo? Roobear Roo: Don't you dare tell me that animals taste good.Benny: But they do. Roo: They could do a lot more than just 'taste good'! Humph! Steve Ellen BENNY: I LIKE animals! I have a dog. I like to ride horses. But some animals are for having fun with, like dogs and horses, and some animals are for eating, like chickens and cows.STEVE: And some animals we avoid, like skunks. Roobear Roo: I would love to have a chicken as a pet. And a goose. And a pig, a ferret, a cat, a dog, a bird, a fish--Steve: We get the point. Roo: Er... yeah. Steve Ellen BENNY: So how do you feel about cats eating birds? Why is it okay for a cat to eat a bird, but it's not okay for a person to eat a bird? That's discrimination against humans.STEVE: Benny, maybe it would be better if you guys talk about a diffferent subject. Roobear Roo: Yeah. I don't think I ever want to go out with you again.Benny: Hey!! Roo: (shrugs) It's just how I feel. *Back at the studio the next day* Steve: Welcome back! I'm pleased to announce that we'll be starting short story month in a few days. Roo: Our contestants will make up short stories instead of giving a question or answer. We'll do our nomral question/answer thing as well, but we'll be doing mostly short stories! Audience: Yay! Roo: Yayhoodles! Steve: Yayhoodle-icious! Roo: That's enough, Steve. Steve: Right... Steve Ellen STEVE: Okey-dokey, let's start this whiz-bang show off with a contestant from the audience. Jenny Lynn Flynn, come on down!AUDIENCE: Yayyy! [Roo glares at audience] AUDIENCE: We mean yayhoodles, Roo! ROO: That's better. STEVE: Jenny Lynn Flynn, can you touch your toes? JENNY: [excited] Yes! STEVE: Well, that's got nothing to do with this show... But that's good that you can touch them. Can I touch them? JENNY: Huh? STEVE: Haha! Just a joke, Jenny Lynn. ROO: And not a good one, Steve. STEVE: They can't all be winners, Roo. JENNY: Boo hoo hoo hooooo... STEVE: No, YOU can be a winner! Wipe those tears. Here's the question. Who is buried in Grant's Tomb? JENNY: I don't knowwww... Boo hoo hoo hoooo.... ROO: Oh mother may I puke! STEVE: Jenny, Jenny, Jenny... Don't cry. Tell you what... YOU ARE A WINNER! AUDIENCE: Yayhoodles! JENNY: Thank you, Steve! I'm so happy I could cry. Boo hoo hoo hooooo.... ROO: Get off our stage before you get it all wet! STEVE: Whew! That was a tough one, Roo. You better do the next one. Roobear Roo: Okay. Whoever is from seat L8-Steve: They must have been late to the show! Get it? L! 8! Roo: (rolls eyes) Please come up! A man in overalls and flowers on his head comes up to the stage. Steve Ellen STEVE: Were you late to the show, sir?MAN: Huh? ROO: What's your name, sir? MAN: Amos P. Flowerhead. ROO: You're kidding, right? AMOS: Huh? ROO: Stee-eeve? STEVE: An amusing and eccentric name, sir. Delighted to have you here, Amos. Can you play the banjo? AMOS: No. STEVE: I can't either! Roo? How about you? Can you play the banjo? Roobear Roo: I play clarinet. And I know how to play alto saxaphone but I'm giving it a break. Banjos are too country-ish.Amos: I love the country! Mama's sweet pecan pie, barnyards, square dancin', and magazine coupons... Steve: What? Amos: We liked magazine coupons - they were so foriegn and new age. Roo: This is getting really lame... Steve Ellen STEVE: Now hold on, Roo. This is all fascinating stuff to me. Magazine coupons, eh? What magazines?AMOS: Corn-huskers Momthly, American Pie, Home and Barnyard, Breeding Pigs For Pleasure and Profit... STEVE: You made up that last one! ROO: Steve! This show only lasts thirty minutes. STEVE: Oh, right. Okay, Mister Amos P. Flowerhead. Your category is Nuclear Physics. For one million dollars, what tool do you use to split an atom? AMOS: Some kind of wedge, I reckon. STEVE: Nope. AMOS: Cold chisel? STEVE: Nope. AMOS: Hacksaw? STEVE: Nope. ROO: STEVE!!! STEVE: Guess what, Amos? YOU ARE A WINNER! Roobear Roo: We don't have a million dollars!Steve: Duh. He answered this question "for a million dollars" as in, in HONOR of the money. Flowerhead: Cheapo! Roo: No, you're the cheapo for your obsession with coupons. Flowerhead: I stand corrected. Steve Ellen STEVE: Well you can't stand here. It's time for a new contestant.But first, an announcement from Al: Steve, I just want to tell the viewing audience at home about our September Wacky Short Short Story contest... STEVE: That's a mouthful, Al! Right you are, Steve, and we hope the stories aren't as long as the title of the contest. We put all the information you need in one handy place, so all you have to do is visit
Roobear Roo: So yeah everyone, enter, because anyone can write a really short wacky story!Steve: And it's time for our next contestant. Roo: Why don't you choose this time? Steve Ellen STEVE: And you ask the questions?Okay, who wants to play? [Hundreds of people are jumping up and down, waving their arms, yelling "Pick me! Pick me!"] Let's have somebody really FAT for a change. [Everybody sits down. Audience grows quiet. Looks around at each other.] Man in the back: I want to play, Steve! STEVE: Are you really fat, sir? FAT MAN: Steve, I can't even fit through the door to get into the studio. My head is through, but the rest of me is still out in the lobby. STEVE: Al! Let's widen that doorway and bring in a forklift so Mister Big won't have to waddle all the way down to the stage. Roobear Roo: That's mean...Steve: I guess so. But it is pretty funny that a guy couldn't even get in the door. And how does he use public restrooms? Does he use a funnel or something? Roo: Stop it, Steve! Steve Ellen STEVE: Al! Forget it! Let him stay in the lobby. This show is just for people skinny enough to fit through the door!Okay, who wants to play? [The ever-eager audience jumps up and down, waves arms, screams "PICK MEEEEE!"] How about a kid? A little kid. Roo likes kids... At least I think she does. Maybe it better be a kid that doesn't eat porkchops. Any kids out there who like brocoli? Alright! There's one! Come on up, sonny. KID: Hello. STEVE: Hello, yourself. I'm Steve and this is Roo. Roobear Roo: Yaaaay brocoli! Nice to meet you. What's your name?Kid: Chives. Roo: Are you a butler or something? Chives: No, but my whole family was. I make fine food, including brocoli. Steve Ellen ROO: You make fine food? But you're only a little kid!CHIVES: I'm nine. I'm small for my age. I started helping with the cooking when I was 4. I can cook anything! Roobear Roo: That's no way to have a childhood.Chives: But I like it. Audience member: Chives, make me a salad! Pronto! Steve Ellen STEVE: Hey, this isn't Wendy's! Security!ROO: Sorry about that, Chives. Must be somebody hungry out there. CHIVES: I can make a salad if you have some lettuce and carrots and a few other things. Roobear Roo: You've been cooking since you are 4? That's really sad.Steve: Sad as in pathetic or sad as in boo-hoo? Roo: The latter.. and maybe even the first one. Chives: You know I can still here you. Roo: Let's just get on with this. Steve Ellen CHIVES: Why is it sad? I LIKE to cook! You probably don't even know how to fix a sandwich! THAT's what's sad! Roobear Roo: Oh, now the nine-year-old is sassy.Steve: Did you even listen to what he said? Roo: Yes... sorry. Steve Ellen CHIVES: Why don't I fix you a nice hot bowl of chicken soup? Then you'll feel a lot better. Roobear Roo: I'm a vegetarian.Steve: Why so calm? Roo: Because he didn't know and he wasn't arguing with my vegetarian morals. Steve: Oh. Chives: Well.. then there's a eggplant soufle` that I specialize in. Roo: No way! Chives: You are so immature. Roo: Excuse me? Steve: Question time! Chives, who invented minnestrone soup? Steve Ellen CHIVES: Carl MinnestroneSTEVE: Uhh... Al, is he right? I didn't think he would know. CHIVES: Roo, I'm sorry about the chicken soup remark. I'm a vegetarian, too! But my parents are not, so I cook meat for them, but I don't eat it myself. I'll fix you a bowl of Minnestrone soup! Okay? Roobear Roo: Awesome! Maybe you are pretty cool!Chives: And you couldn't see that before? *raises eyebrows* *winks* *elbows Roo* Roo: Enough! lol! Steve: You say lol offline? Roo: Oops... yeah, sometimes. Steve Ellen STEVE: I think someone needs to get away from her monitor and out into the sunshine. Hohohoho!CHIVES: Hahahaha! ROO: Hehehehehehe! Roobear Roo: Wait - hey!! I get plenty of sunshine.Chives: No you don't! You're a vampire! Roo: And just when you were getting cool... Steve: Now, now, Roo. Steve Ellen CHIVES: I'm just teasing! You look like a California girl. Do you surf? Do you ride around in a Corvette and toss your hair back like this... [Chives does a passable imitation of a beach babe tossing back her long blonde hair. Only problem is that Chives has a brush cut.] Roobear Roo: I don't surf. But I love the water. I didn't get to go the ocean at all this summer and that really sucks!Chives: I went to the beach for a friend's birthday party. Roo: Grrrr. Steve Ellen CHIVES: I baked a cake for her. It was a three layer cake. I used a different mix for each layer. Yellow, white, and chocolate. There was two kinds of icing on it, marshmallow and chocolate. Then I had some cool decorations. Around the top edge was__STEVE: Chives, I hate to interrupt, but this ain't the Cooking Show, it's the Game Show. Roobear Roo: Yes. We should get another contestant on. Steve, what is Chives prize? Steve Ellen STEVE: Roo, we have a complete junior kitchen for Chives! An Easy-Bake Oven and a complete set of Betty Crocker Mother's Little Helper cake mixes.CHIVES: I don't want that kiddy crap! An Easy-Bake Oven is a joke! It uses a light bulb! I use a real oven! STEVE: We sure have had a lot of dissatisfied winners lately. ROO: I know. Who's picking out the prizes. STEVE: I think that used to be Julie's job... before you made her run away. ROO: ME?! Are we gonna fight that one out again? CHIVES: HEY! [Steve and Roo turn to look at Chives.] CHIVES: Just give me some money. I'll buy my own prize. STEVE: Roo, do you have any cash on you? Roobear Roo: Hmmm... (Roo pulls out the inside of her pocket)Steve: That is so cliche. They always do that in cartoons. (Roo hangs her head down low) Roo: Sorry. Steve Ellen CHIVES: Awwwww... Steve, why are you always so mean to Roo?STEVE: I'm not always mean to Roo! And she warned you about being sassy, cook boy, so if you want a prize you better be nice to the hosts. [Chives hangs his head down low] CHIVES: Sorry. STEVE: You too? Oh yeah, everybody wants to make it look like Steve is the bad guy. Roobear Roo: All right. I know what to do. Let's go out and buy Chives an exotic cook book. Hey, it's something different. Chives, go into the lobby and tell the ticket guy your address. We'll talk with him later and mail the prize to you.Chives: The ticket guy is going to think I'm crazy. Roo: The ticket guy has a handbook that tells him of all sorts of random situations that could happen. The address thing is one of them. Enjoy your prize! Chives: Okay! And thanks! [smiles at Roo] Roo: So long, Chives! [commercial break for Betty Crocker] Steve: Guess what, Roo? It's STORY MONTH!! Roo: Yaaayhoodles! Steve: Our first story is from Ellen Stevens in Rancid, North Dakota. I'll let Al read it because he has that great voice. It's called "Becky's Internal Sibling". Becky was really supposed to be twins, but somehow the other fetus, instead of getting born, ended up inside of Becky and never matured. When Becky was a little kid, she was aware that "someone else" was very close by. "It" was blind, mute, deaf and dumb, but "it" knew what she was thinking. "It" seemed to live inside of her, so she called "it" the Potty Monster because everytime she went potty, she was afraid this "thing" would crawl out of her and eat her and then it would become her and be able to walk and talk on its own. Then no one would know what had happened to the real Becky. As Becky grew older, she became obsessed with having everything just so. She didn't want to take any chances that the Potty Monster might get loose. Shefelt that she had to completely control her world. Only if everything was exactly the way that she arranged it could she be sure that the Potty Monster would remain trapped inside her. One day some "friends" played a trick on Becky. While she was at Taco Bell with one of them, the other friend was back at Becky's house completely rearranging Becky's room. After the meal, as Becky approached the front door of her house, she was feeling a pressing indigestion from the many burritos she had eaten, so she ran upstairs, desperate to use the bathroom next to her room. She rushed into her room and when she saw what had happened, she began screaming at the top of her lungs. A rumbling grew deep in Becky's bowels. Becky's eyes grew wide with surprise and fright... The Potty Monster was loose! Roo: Awesome story, Steve! Ellen, you're a winner! Can we win too, Steve? Or are the hosts not allowed to win? Steve: Now, Roo, you know the rules. Everyone is a winner! Steve Ellen STEVE: Send us your stories! Your short wacky stories! We want to read them on the air!ROO: Who's our next contestant, Steve? STEVE: This one is special, Roo. A mystery contestant! [Someone dressed in black wearing a rubber face mask walks in.] STEVE: What's that mask, Roo? I don't recognize it. Roobear Roo: Neither do I.Steve: Tell us a story, oh mysterious one! Person in black and rubber mask: (in a gruff voice) All right. Here is one I whisper to myself when I play with my rubber duckie. I am an odd person. Yep. Steve: Spill it! Steve Ellen PIBARM (person in black and rubber mask): It begins with a short poem.Ducky, ducky, you are so lucky To be my little rubber ducky. One day when I save some money I will buy my ducky honey Something she will think is sweet -- A pair of flippers for those big feet. And then we'll swim and sing a song About how nice we get along. Oh, ducky, ducky, hear my__ STEVE: Ahem! That's very nice. You say you whisper that while you play with your rubber ducky? PIBARM: That's just the poem that acts as a little introduction to the story to set the mood. You know? STEVE: I know we probably don't have time to hear the story. Right, Roo? Roobear Roo: How long is it?PIBARM: About fourty-seven minutes long... Roo: All right then, it's time for your prize. What do we have, Steve? Steve Ellen STEVE: A beautiful collection of rubber face masks from Toys 'R' Us. These are from their "Golden Cinema" collection and feature such greats as Freddy Kruger, Jason, Jaws, Darth Vader, Groucho Marx, and Lassie.PIBARM: Oh, thank you! And Ducky thanks you! [From beneath PIBARM's black coat comes a faint *quack quack*] STEVE: Ducky is a REAL duck?! PIBARM: Well, he's wearing a little rubber face mask... ROO: Get out of here, PIBARM! We're moving on to the next contestant. PIBARM: Good byyyy.... [waves to audience] Roobear Roo: All right. Al, you've got to go drag somebody off the street again! Steve Ellen A man is dragged in screaming. His shirt is torn and dirty.MAN: What is this? I demand an explanation! Why did you people drag me in here? STEVE: Now calm down, sir. This is your lucky day! ROO: You're gonna be a WINNER! MAN: Are you people crazy! I'm going to sue you into bankruptcy! You think you can just drag people off the street with your goon! STEVE: Hey! Al is not a "goon"... ROO: He's pretty big and ugly, Steve. STEVE: A lot of guys with those full rich bass voices are big. That doesn't make him a "goon"! MAN: We'll let the lawyers decide that! See you in court, losers! [Man stomps out of studio while audience boos and hisses] STEVE: Wait! ... You're a winner... Steve Ellen ROO: Tsk-tsk. Another reluctant winner.STEVE: Yeah. That really takes the wind out of my sails. You work so hard to give everybody a chance to be a winner and then... *sigh* ROO: Hey, don't take it so hard, big guy. There's more fish in the river, another puppy at the pound, more bees in the hive, another card in the deck, other trees in the forest, more_ STEVE: Roo! ROO: Huh? STEVE: I think I get it. We should bring on the next contestant. ROO:  Right! Roobear Roo: So ok... please raise your hand if you want to be a winner.Steve: Roo, now everyone has their hands raised. Roo: Hmm... I pick... you! Steve: Pikachu! I choose you! Roo: Ugh. No. Now come up to the stage, chosen one! Steve Ellen A boy in a blue shirt with a star on each sleeve runs up on stage. Aviator goggles are pushed up on top of his head and hold back a mass of long brown hair.]BOY: Hi! I'm Tai! STEVE: You're tired? TAI: My NAME is Tai! ROO: [Looking around] You didn't bring one of... THEM with you, did you? TAI: Agumon! [A roar is heard from the parking lot. A small monster crashes through the wall into the studio.] ROO: I was afraid of that. STEVE: That's your monster. TAI: Yep! STEVE: Well, you're a winner. Just get that thing out of here while we still have a studio left. [Suddenly an audience member yells out "Digimon bites! Pokemon rules!"] ROO: Uh-oh. I smell trouble. MONSTER: Agumon digivolve to Greymon! [Although still kind of cute, the monster becomes larger and more destructive] STEVE: Hey, if you want to be a winner you better get that thing out of here. TAI: C'mon, Greymon. But what's my prize? STEVE: Another year of reruns on Fox Kids and a new pair of goggles. TAI: Alright! STEVE: You ever watch that stuff, Roo? Roobear Roo: No! I don't.Steve: Thank goodness! Roo: LOL! Steve: There she goes again... Steve Ellen STEVE: Roo, we have a mystery celebrity guest up next. Who do you think it might be? Roobear Roo: I... don't... know!Al: Oooh, oooh, pick me! Steve: Now Al, let Roo guess. Steve Ellen Al: But I'm a celebrity!STEVE: Not really, Al. You're our director and announcer and you have a great voice but... ROO: Geez, Steve! You don't have to hurt his feelings. STEVE: Sorry. But forget Al, Roo. I want you to guess who our famous guest is! Roobear Roo: All right. You know I've made fun of Paris Hilton in some of my writings, even though I barely know her. It's just she's ALWAYS on the news for some reason. Is it her? Steve Ellen STEVE: Close, Roo! It's London Hilton, one of her cousins. London! Come on out and meet Roo!LONDON: Hallo, Roo! Pleased to meet you! I've read your stuff and find it very entertaining! Especially the things about Paris! Heeheeheehideyhoho! Roobear Roo: That's a strange laugh.London: Of course, darling! Paris doesn't let me out much. Steve Ellen STEVE: You live with her?LONDON: Heeheeheehideyhoho! Oh no, darling! SHE lives with ME! Heeheehee! Roobear Steve: For some reason I doubt that...Roo: Me too... London: I double dog dare ya'll to go sing my song! Roo: (raises eyebrows) London: Yes, my song! It goes like this... Roo: No, we don't want to hear it! Steve: Roo! That's no way to treat your guest. Steve Ellen LONDON: Heeheeheehideyhoho! [sings loudly]I'm a girl with a famous sister She alway gets the mister While I am left to take what's left behind She loves to be in movies And rumble with the groovies And never wants to know what's on my mind. But I have thoughts (she has thoughts) Yes I have thoughts (she has thoughts) And with my sis I'd like to share some time We could talk (they could talk) Yes we would talk (they would talk) And treat each other really nice and kind. ROO: Uhh.. Interesting. STEVE: Cool! You brought back up singers with you! LONDON: Yes, these are the Harmonettes. Would you like to hear another song? Roobear Roo: No, that's ok.London: All right, ya'll! My harmonettes get tired after songs, so I guess we really should give them a rest. Steve: Well, it's question time... Roo? Roo: (salutes Steve) All right. What led you to You Are A Winner! London: Well, my sister was pretty mad at you for making fun of her. She wanted me to go tell you off. Roo: Which obviously you haven't done. Steve: You're a winner then! Al? What's the prize? Steve Ellen AL: Steve and Roo, by special arrangement with Largemouth Records, London will be singing the new theme song of our show every week!STEVE: Ohhhh... boy... That's, uh, great! Huh, Roo? Roobear Roo: As long as the songs are about us, then I'm ok. I don't really care for songs about London and Paris... Steve Ellen LONDON: What about Athens and Moscow?STEVE: I think she meant you and your sister. LONDON: Oh, Steve, you big dummy! I know that! Heeheeheehideyhoho! STEVE: Well... Welcome aboard... I guess. Roo! What's up next? Roobear Roo: A commercial break! We'll be back and be sure to tell you which commercials stink and which ones rock. Yayhoodles! Steve Ellen Are you sick and tired of Harry Potter?Has Pendragon Bobby gone stale? Enter the fascinating world of RETRO BOOKS as we bring you thrilling Sci-Fi and Fantasy from the Golden Age. Join Jack Swift and his friends as they battle Nazis and Molemen with the weapons of the future -- RADAR! -- Big guns! -- And smoke-belching rockets that zoom into space at speeds in excess of 500mph! Come along with Jack as he fights Amazons in the Jungles of Venus and ferocious Lunacats on the Moon! Travel to Mars and ride a Martian gondola on the ancient canals. Experience the searing heat of solar flares when Jack battles the SolarMen!  Available in selected bookstores on September 9th! Roobear Roo: And we're back! Bobby Pendragon, not Pendragon Bobby, NEVER goes stale! How dare they!Steve: Will you buy that book, Roo? Roo: Well... I must say it looks interesting... Steve Ellen STEVE: Hey, we could act out that cover. You could be one of the women with short blonde hair. I'll be Jack Swift on the gun and Al can be the old captain and London Hilton can be the other woman. Roobear Roo: I'm not going to cut my hair and dye it blonde!Steve: No need to get angry... hmmm... volunteers? Steve Ellen AUDIENCE: Me! Me! Pick me!STEVE: Yikes! Too many volunteers! How do we decide who to pick? Roobear Roo: All volenteers, please come to the stage and tell us a story... you'll all be a winner, but only 1 of you will be one of the blonde people on the cover as your prize! Steve Ellen STEVE: All of them! Wait everybody! Don't all of you come up here! Al will listen to your story and then send you up if he likes it. While Al is listening to the stories, Roo is going to read us a short poem from her personal collection.Ready when you are, Roo. Roobear Roo: All right, Steve! Al will also read us the winning story, ya'll want to be entertained, ya know! So yeah. Here's my short poem which I'll be making up on the spot.I can't eat toffee but I like coffee clowns are cool though a little old school and yeah. Audience: (claps) Steve: That was.. er... wonder-ful. Roo: Aren't I talented? Audience: (mumbles) Steve Ellen STEVE: That WAS wonderful, Roo! [Rolls eyes at audience. Audience giggles.]And now Al will read us a story he likes. Al? Steve, this story is by someone who calls herself "IMA Shark Rawr" and in it she explains, "How I Got That Name"... "Hey Amy, do you know what animal is really cool? A shark! They're awesome!" I said Amy glanced at me. "Okay, whatever Britt. You're weird," she replied. "I am not! Okay 'cause listen. The shark's all swimming along going 'Oh look at me! I'm so pretty and graceful.' And then... they see a fish! and they're like, 'Rawr! I'm gonna eat your scaly butt!'" I explained to her. "Britt, sharks can't 'rawr.' They live underwater," she told me. "They can too!" I argued. "No, they can't," she retorted. "Wait, weren't you the one that tried to wash your goldfish w/ soap and water?" I questioned. Amy glared at me. "I thought it was dirty!" she exclaimed. THE END STEVE: Thanks, Al. That was... interesting. I guess Shark Girl is a winner, right Roo? Roobear Roo: Right! I will give myself a mental note to send her her extra prize in the mail in October.Steve: Riiight... you are strange, Roo. Steve Ellen ROO: Why? Because I keep mental notes? {Roo taps her head with her finger] This is one notebook I will NEVER lose!STEVE: But you could forget stuff! ROO: Nope. I have perfect recall. STEVE: Really? Roobear Roo: Yep. I have a very good memory.Steve: And anyway, I was saying you were strange because you're going to send her a prize in October? Why a month away? Roo: It's a long story. Steve: Ok, now for our cover act! Al, go find us some costumes. Al: This job is really tiring, ya know. Roo: We know. Just do it! Steve Ellen Al: Try these on.IMA SHARK: What? Out here? STEVE: Can't you just pull it on over your clothes? IMA SHARK: I guess so. How does this look? STEVE: Excellent! Al, you look great in that cap. London? Everybody? Strike the pose. [Photograoher rushes out to snap picture. *FLASH*] Okay, and thanks for playing, IMA Shark rawr! I really liked your little fish tail! YOU ARE A WINNER! Roobear IMA Shark rawr: Yay!Roo: Yayhoodles! Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Steve Ellen STEVE: What did you say, Al? Another story? Sure! Bring it on.Al: Steve, the writer is in our audience today, so why don't we let her read it? Her name is Kathy Kellog. STEVE: Great! Kathy Kellog, come on down! KATHY: Hi, Steve! STEVE: Hi, Kathy! I've always liked pigtails and yours are the cutest that I've ever seen. KATHY: [giggling] Thanks, Steve! ROO: [speaking low] Oh gag me with a spoon. STEVE: What was that, Roo? ROO: {louder] I said I hope she reads it soon. STEVE: Yes! How about reading your story, Kathy? KATHY: Okay! Here goes: Call me Cereal. I am crunchy, sweet, and dry. Pour milk on me and eat me. Why not? It's breakfast time. Make me snap, crackle, and pop. Make my fruit loops melt. My coco puffs are all puffed up for you. What are you waiting for? Do you want to put strawberries on me? Blueberries? Bananas? Do it! I don't care! Anything but brocoli. I'm awful with brocoli. Yuck! Don't even make me think about it. Ooooo... You're going to use the BIG spoon today. I like that! Ahhh... Look out tonsils, here I come! Yipppeeeeee....... STEVE: *gulp* That was delightful! YOU ARE A WINNER! What's her prize, Roo? Roobear Roo: The remainder of my Multi-Grain Cheerios, basically, it's just powder created by Cheerio crums.Kathy: Most people would think that is gross, but I use Cheerio powder as foundation for my face. It matches my natural skin color. Steve Ellen STEVE: That's very creative, Kathy! And may I say that those are absolutely the CUTEST pigtails that I have ever seen! KATHY: Thanks again, Steve. ROO: What is it with you and pigtails? STEVE: I like your hair, too, Roo. ROO: Yeah, yeah, it's not about hair, Steve. It's about you slobbering over our contestants. KATHY: I don't mind. STEVE: I'm not 'slobbering'! Zheesh! So I like pigtails? Naturally, I want to compliment them when I see them. ROO: Can we move on to a "not about hair" topic? STEVE: Let the games proceed!... I learned that at the Olympics. Thanks for playing, Kathy, and don't worry. We have more for you than just some Cheerios crumbs. We have a full case of Wheaties! KATHY: They still make those? STEVE: Of course! But eat them quick. I saw the "last sell by" date on the case and I'm afraid we cut it kind of close. KATHY: [fluttering eyelashes at Steve] Thanks, Steve. Bye! STEVE: Bye! Good-bye... [added under his breath] nice pigtails... ROO: [grimly] Good... bye! STEVE: Roo, let's pick a dude for a change. Roobear Roo: All right. By dude you mean somebody cool? Yay!Steve: We can try, but ya never know. Al, go bring in some guy who looks 'cool'. Al: Will it raise my paycheck? Steve Ellen STEVE: Nothing but hard work and long years of loyal service can raise your paycheck, Al.AL: Oh pooh. What's the point, then? I'm to be a servant here, subject to the whims of King Steve and Queen Roo and receive naught but pennies? STEVE: "Naught"? Nobody talks like that, Al. You're watching too much of something, but I can't imagine what. No rental movies for a week, Al. AL: Oh double pooh! I will not stand for this abuse! STEVE: So sit down, then, but first please go get us a nice cool dude for Roo. ROO: Wait a minute! I didn't mean it THAT way? STEVE: What way? Roobear Roo: He's a cool dude for the show, not for me. The date with Benny was NOT a nice experience.Benny: Hey!!!! Roo: I didn't know you were in the audience. Benny: Yeah, I am! Don't insult me. Roo: (rolls eyes) Steve: Okay then... Al, go get somebody. Al: Fine! Grrr. Steve Ellen [Al walks up and down the aisles, his keen eyes searching the rows of audience members. Suddenly he lunges down a row and grabs a boy by his shirt sleeve.]AL: Got one! BOY: Hey! AL: Security! [The security guard helps Al escort the boy up to the stage.] STEVE: Relax, cool dude. You want to be a winner, don't you? COOL DUDE: That depends on whether it's cool or not. ROO: It's cool, dude. You win good stuff and in your case I'll make sure it's cool stuff. COOL DUDE: How would you know what cool stuff was? ROO: Hey! That's not cool, dude. COOL DUDE: Sorry. I thought I was just going to watch this show, not be a part of it. Roobear Roo: That is not a good kind of attitude at-Steve: You are a winner! Roo: Uh... thanks Steve. Steve Ellen COOL DUDE: So I'll play along with your little game show. What do I have to do? Eat bugs? Swim in ice water? Jump out of a burning building?ROO: This isn't Fear Factor, Cool Dude. COOL DUDE: So what do I do? I have to live on an island with ten girls in bikinis until I get voted off the island? STEVE: Actually, you were a winner from the moment you walked on stage. COOL DUDE: I was? STEVE: Not! Hahahahahaha! ROO: Aw, Steve, just give Cool Dude his prize and let's move on. STEVE: You never want to make the moment last. Our contestants get hustled away before we even have a chance to talk to them. ROO: If you had your way, Steve, the whole show would be about pigtails. STEVE: Can you get over the pigtails? When I was 7, my next door neighbor had pig tails and I liked her a lot. So I'm fond of pigtails. Big deal. And what about you? I saw the way you looked at Cool Dude's wavy black hair... Roobear Roo: Shut up! (blushes) All right, I'm going to read you a story, Cool dude, whatever your name is-Cool dude: Chad. Roo: Ok, chad, I'm going to read you a story and you have to tell me who wrote it. Chad: Okay... Roo: ............... Home on the Range ................ "Home, home on the range..." "Shut up, will ya?" "Oh excuse me. Are cockroaches not allowed to sing?" "You better be quiet, Willy, or the human will come and spray us again. You remember what happened last time, don't you?" "Mmmmmmm.... What a trip! Beautiful!" "What a trip?! You ran around like a crazy bug, flapping your wings like you were gonna fly away. Then you collapsed and lay on your back for 12 hours staring at the ceiling and kicking your legs a little. You call that a trip?" "Oh, the dreams I had! You wouldn't understand. You've never been sprayed, dude. You got that uptight attitude. You need a little blast from the Can, man..." "You're hopless. I'm gonna go hide in a crack in case the human comes back." "Yeah, you go hide. I'm staying up here on the stove. There's crumbs everywhere! Feast time!" "Yeah. Maybe it's your last meal." "Oh go hide in your crack, you loser! Home, home on the range, where the grease and the crumbs make me smile..." *PSSSSSSSSSTTT....* "The Can! I've been sprayed! Oh yes! Oh yes! I see the light! I'm coming, Heaven! Open the pearly gates! I'm coming home..." Chad: (laughs) That was pretty funny. Roo: So, who wrote it? Steve Ellen CHAD: I give up. Who?AL: Ahem... That would be me. STEVE: You! Al, I told you that no employees of YOU ARE A WINNER can enter the wacky short story contest! AL: Well you won't give me a raise and I gotta do something! I have a mouth to feed, you know! STEVE: You live alone. AL: That's what I said. I have a mouth to feed. Roobear Roo: I sorta feel bad for Al. He has to run out of the studio and bring people in here quite often.Steve: That reminds me! Al? I need you to go grab 3 people off the street. But ask them, this time! Al: (sighs) Steve Ellen [b]Out on the street with Al...[/b]AL: Hey, buddy! do you want to be on a quiz show? PASSERBY1: No. AL: How about you, ma'am? PASSERBY2: Stay away from me! AL: Sir? PASSERBY3: Stuff it. Get out of my way. AL: [shouting] Doesn't anyone want to be a winner? PASSERBY4: I already AM a winner. Why don't you get a job? AL: I already have a job. This is it. PASSERBY4: What? Standing on the street waving your arms and shouting at people? That's your job? AL: Yeah... It's kind of weird, isn't it? PASSERBY4: You've got a good loud voice. How would you like a job with my traveling carnival? I need a sideshow barker and the pay is very good. AL: Good pay? That's interesting. PASSERBY4: My name is Captain Billy. It's the Captain Billy's OldTyme Traveling Carnival Show. Our train is in town right now. I can have you signed up and on the roll today. We travel everywhere. Would you like that? AL: Would I? I've been wanting to get out of this town for years, but I can't seem to save up any money. CAPTAIN BILLY: Well, you won't need to worry about that with me. All your food and living quarters are provided. You won't have any bills. Your paycheck will be all yours to spend as you please. AL: This sounds so good1 Yes! I want the job! CAPTAIN BILLY: Come on, then. Let's go join the rest of them on the train. AL: OK! Wait! I better run back into the studio and tell Steve and Roo that I'm quitting. It will only take a minute. I'll be right back! CAPTAIN BILLY: I'll wait. Roobear Al: (Comes running through the doors) I quit!Steve: What?? Al: I just got a better job from Captain Billy. It was fate, I'm sorry Stevie. Roo: Stevie? Al: It was sarcastic. Well - bye! Steve Ellen STEVE: Wait! Al! Stick around, man. You don't want to go running off with some carny show. We need you here.AL: Sorry, Steve. This is the dream of a lifetime. Gotta go. Bye! STEVE: Bye! [turns to camera] Attention, viewing audience! We need someone to replace Al. ****************************************** That's right! We do! We are looking for a new campfire member who will play the part of Al. Here are the qualifications and job description: 1) You MUST be online EVERY day! 2) You should have a lively imagination. 3) When it becomes your turn to post, you will think up a goofy guest and introduce him OR if it's prize time, then you will tell us what wacky prize our guest has won. If you think being Al sounds like fun, then request an invitation right away. If there are more additions after this one and "Al" is in them, then you know we already have an Al. But as of now, we still need an Al! Request an invitation now! *********************************** Roobear Roo: That sounds like fun, Steve!Steve: Yes, it is. For now, you will have to be a temporary Julie-Al-Person. Steve Ellen ROO: Why do I have to do all the work?STEVE: Hmmm... I don't know. Why? ROO: I don't know either. Is it because you are a lazy, worthless skunk? STEVE: I thought you liked animals? ROO: Oh, yes, excuse me. I didn't mean to insult skunks. STEVE: Whoa... Okay, I'll do the curtain thingie sometimes and you can do the Al thingie sometimes. But since today's show is over, why don't we just sit back and wait and hope that someone will show up to take Al's place? ROO: Sounds good to me. STEVE: Goodnight, folks! See you next week. ROO: Goodnight! Steve Ellen STEVE: What are you doing over there, Roo? Getting your jokes ready for this week's show?ROO: I'm doing my homework, Steve. I have to go to school you know. STEVE: Okaaaay... but the show is about to start. Are you gonna be ready in time? Roobear Roo: I don't know. Math teachers believe in busy work, ya know. Steve Ellen STEVE: Good evening, ladies and gentlemaen, and welcome to YOU ARE A WINNER!AUDIENCE: Yayhoodles! STEVE: Pssssst! Roo! Get out here! Roobear Roo: Oh fine! But you better write me a note so I can get excused for missing homework.Steve: Doesn't your parent have to do that? Roo: Yeah, but... but... don't ruin it, Steve! Steve Ellen STEVE: I'll just sign it "Uncle Steve". But don't worry. When your teacher finds out you are co-hosting a game show, she'll give you an A+ for... something. But meanwhile, we have some anxious would-be winners waiting in the audience. Contestant number one. Come on up and let's see what you look like! Roobear (A big man with his arms at his sides, though not nearly close touching his sides, he's imitating the old western stance. He has a bandana in the front of his shirt, a gun holder on his belt, and everything else a western guy could have.)Roo: No guns are allowed in the studio. (The guy smiles, revealing a collection of golden teeth.) Guy: Don't worry, ya'll... it's just a toy gun with water in it. Roo: Okaaay then... what's your name? Guy: Sean Seanster. Steve: Well Howdy then! (Roo stares at steve) Steve: What? Just tryin' to get into the western spirit! Steve Ellen SEAN: Howdy, Miss Roo! You sure is looking right purdy today.ROO: Huh? STEVE: [whispering] He said you looked PRETTY today. ROO: [whispering back] Does that mean he thinks I don't look pretty EVERY day? STEVE: [still whispering] No! It's just a western expression. Just thank the man. The show must go on! SEAN: What are y'all whispering about so fiercely? Do I have a piece of spinach in my teeth? Is my fly down? ROO: No, you look fine, Sean... real 'purdy'. SEAN: Why, thank you, sweetness. You are a real nice little buckaroo. ROO: [whispering] Pssst! Steve! What's a 'buckaroo'? STEVE: [whispering back] I don't know! I just hope it's 'PG'. Get on with the show! Roobear Roo: Ok, Sean... since you probably know a lot about the west, name 3 famous actors who were in western movies.Sean: I don't trust those dang VCR's. Roo: Okaaay then... how about 2 famous actors in live western musicals or plays? Steve Ellen SEAN: Western musicals?! I ain't no sissy cowboy! Now if you mean singing cowboys, I reckon I know Gene Autry and Tex Ritter. Will they do?STEVE: Sounds good to me. Roo? Roobear Roo: That's cheating I guess, but everyone IS a winner... so Steve, what's the prize?Steve: Grr. I wish Al was doing this. Well... since usually when I pull the curtain, I end up pulling it OFF, so let me just go behind the curtain instead. (Steve lifts up the curtains and goes inside. From behind the curtains, he starts to speak.) Steve: All right - drumroll please! Roo: Wait! How come there's always a prize magically there? Steve: I don't know, but we might as well take advantage of it. Now a drumroll! Steve Ellen ROO: We have a drummer?STEVE: It's just a recording. Okay! Here is the prize -- a brand new ten gallon cowboy hat! SEAN: Aw, shucks! I don't reckon you had to get me anything. But thanks! ROO: Our pleasure because... AUDIENCE:[At the top of their lungs] YOU ARE A WINNER! STEVE: That's right! That's right! Now who is our next victim? Hey, it's a milk delivery man! You mean a milkman with a milktruck and all those bottles of milk? I thought milkmen went extinct years ago. MILKMAN: Well... A-huck... I am a retired milkman. A-huck. A-huck. ROO: Is something in your throat? MILKMAN: No! A-huck. A-huck. A-huck. That's just my laugh! A-huck. STEVE: Hahaha! It's an unusual laugh, milkman. MILKMAN: Yes it is. You see a cow kicked me right in the head one day in 1954 and I been laughing that way ever since! A-hucka-hucka-hucka. A-huck. A-huck. Roobear Roo: Okay, then. Milkman, what's the question?Milkman: I don't know? Roo: Correct! Steve: Uh, Roo... "I don't know" can never win. Roo: Shush! Steve Ellen STEVE: No, really. It's in the rules. The one answer that can never win is "I don't know."MILKMAN: I think I know, now. STEVE: Know what? MILKMAN: What the question is. That's what you wanted to know, isn't it? ROO: Was that the question? MILKMAN: Was what the question? ROO: Or is THAT the question? MILKMAN: What are you talking about? STEVE: No, Roo, maybe THAT was his question. Hahaha! MILKMAN: What are you two laughing about? ROO: No, Steve, THAT was his question! Hahahaha! MILKMAN: Are you people crazy? STEVE: Hahahaha! He's got a million of them! Milkman! YOU ARE A WINNER! ROO: Yayhoodles! AUDIENCE: Yayhoodley-oodley-oooo! ROO: Audience! Did you make that up just for me? AUDIENCE: We love you, Roo! Yayhoodley-oodley-oooo! ROO: And I love you! [Roo starts blowing kisses to the audience while they cheer and applaud...] Roobear Milkman: You guys sort of scare me... I'm leaving. But thanks for the prize! (he runs off)Roo: All right. Let's bring out our next contestant. Whoever yells "Yayhoodly-oodly-oo" the loudest gets to come up and tell us a story... Steve Ellen STEVE: Let's hear those 'yayhoodley-oodleys' folks! Shout 'em out! I can't hear you, people!"[Audience is making a tremendous racket] What do you think, Roo? Does any particular 'yayhoodley-oodley' stand out in this crowd? Roobear (Roo looks over crowd, then spots a man holding a Yayhoodle-oodly-oo sign. She points.)Roo: Him! Man: Woo! Yay! Wahoo! YEAH! BOOYA! Steve Ellen STEVE: Come on up, sir.MAN: Woo! Yay! Wahoo! BOOYAH! ROO: What's your name? MAN: Hobie Yabo. ROO: Welcome to the show. Are you from out of town? HOBIE: Yeah! Wahoo! STEVE: You must be from Kalamazoo? HOBIE: Hahohee! You tickle me! Wahoo! BOOYAH! ROO: You're very exuberant. HOBIE: Yayhooooodley-hooooo! STEVE: I see you have a 'Yay-hoodley-oodly-oo' sign? Did you make that yourself? HOBIE: No, I bought it from a kid named Benny. He sells them on the street just outside the studio. Hoohaa! Wooo! STEVE: [frowning] That Benny! ROO: [swooning] My Benny still loves me... STEVE: [businesslike] Well if he's outside our studio selling signs then we are gonna get a percentage. Al! Get that Benny kid and drag him in here! ROO: [concerned] Steve, Al left to join the circus. Remember? STEVE: [dramatic collapse] Oh, why is my world crashing down around me? Boohoohooooo... HOBIE: [exuberantly] Wahoo! Wooooo! Roobear Roo: I want a percentage too. All these prizes take a big cut from our income.Steve: Since when were you involved with our funds? *raises eyebrows) Roo: I'm not. But WHERE do we get all that stuff? It probably does cost us money. I'll go out and get Benny... Steve Ellen STEVE: Let's go help her, Hobie.HOBIE: Wahoo! BOOYAH! STEVE: Stay put, audience. We'll be right back. On the street... BENNY: Here ya are! Get your 'yayhoodley-oodley-oo' signs here! Only five dollars for a great little sign. ROO: Hello, Benny. BENNY: Roo! You came outside just to say hello to me? ROO: Where's my share of the sign money, Benny? BENNY: Your share? I didn't know you HAD a share! ROO: If it wasn't for me there wouldn't even BE a 'yayhoodley-oodley-oo' to put on your signs. OUR signs. And what's with this cheap cardboard? It curls over. STEVE: Hello, Benny, my frenny... BENNY: Steve! The uncool one. How's it happening, my man? STEVE: It's happening that you owe us some sign money. BENNY: Oh, alright I'll give you guys a share, but not because of YOU, Steve. Because of my girl, Roo, here. HOBIE: Wahoo! Yay! BOOYAH! BENNY: What's with him? STEVE: He's exuberant. Don't let it bother you. Roobear Roo: Well anyway, now it's time for fanmail.*Audience groans* Steve: No, these are real! Ask the mailman. Hobie: Yeah, fanmail. Gimme one. *opens envelope* "Dear You Are A Winner... Steve Ellen "...What happened to the show? Did you guys get kicked off the air? I know you are never dirty, so was it just because you guys are too stupid to be alllowed to live? Hahahahahaha! Anyway, imagine my surprise to spin the dial and hear My Miss Roo coming through the speakers along with Big Dumb Steve. This is the part of the letter where I am supposed to gush out: I LOVE YOU GUYS! but I really don't. I like you a little bit. Just enough to send this letter. But that's about it. So I hope I don't have to wait another year for the next show, because... YOU GUYS ARE WINNERS!" STEVE: (wiping tear from eye) Gee, that was a pretty nice letter. ROO: *sniff* Yeah. Kinda makes me feel all choked up inside. Well, now we know somebody likes us. STEVE: Maybe more than one somebody? Roobear Roo: I don't know.Steve: Let's take an audience poll! If you like us, press the green button on your arm rest. If you don't, press the red. *Roo and Steve stare at the conveniently placed television screen up above the curtains* "Like: 32% Don't Like: 78%" Roo: Oops, I got the red and green buttons switched... it turns out that 78% like us! Steve: What.. er.. yeah. Roo: I never understood gameshows anyway. Or reality tv. I think people just watch it because they have nothing else to do. Steve Ellen STEVE: Is that why we host it? We have nothing better to do? ROO: Speak for yourself, Cookie Monster. I have plenty of better things to do. I'm just doing this show until I save up enough bucks for a new car. STEVE: Oh... Well, I actually LIKE hosting this show and I would do it even if we didn't get paid. ROO: Oh, pulleeeeze! Like I really believe THAT! STEVE: Heheh... Say, what's next on this incredible star-studded show that the fans love? Roobear Roo: *mumbles* oh no, it's time to act fake again.Roo: Yes, speaking of star-studded and the Cookie Monster, we have a star here today! Steve: Yes, a STAR in her parents eyes at least. Roo: Welcoming!... any little girl in the audience who runs up here first. Steve: Come on... you know you want to. Roo: There's free dolls! *several girls run up* Steve: Well it was sort of a tie. Roo: Okay, then we'll have a competition then. Steve Ellen STEVE: What's your name, little girl? GIRL: My name is Petunia Picklepacker. STEVE: Haha! You're putting me on, right? PETUNIA: No. That's my name. You gotta problem with it? STEVE: Uh... No. No problem. Let's move on to the next girl. What's your name? NEXT GIRL: Matilda Meatloaf. STEVE: No it isn't! Hahaha! MATILDA: Yes it is! STEVE: No it isn't! MATILDA: Yes. It. Is. Mom? This man is making fun of our name! WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Don't mock my daughter! Have a little respect. STEVE: Okay, lady. I was just surprised to meet two girls with last names about food. What are the odds? ROO: There is another girl, Steve. STEVE: Thanks, Roo. And what is your name, young lady? GIRL: Francine Fishhead. STEVE: ... Roo? This has to be a prank, doesn't it? Roobear Roo: May we see your tickets?Fishead: This isn't some fancy concert. Our names are not printed on the tickets. Roo: Well aren't you smart! Uh.. Francine. Steve: And she gets a prize for that! Since we've been low on funding lately, Picklepacker and Meatloaf will get a pen that says Steve Ellen on it. I found them in my desk this morning. Roo: Picklepacker doesn't get a prize. Picklepacker: Um why?? Roo: Your last name grosses me out. Not like Fishead isn't pretty bad, but pickles... ew. Steve: Very well then! But that would be unfair to our public. Meatloaf gets the name pencil and I'll give Picklepacker a chewed up one. Roo: Now it's time for our topic of the day... how many days have it been? Steve: I don't know. I don't quite remember the outside world. Roo: Good thing there's an inside pool, or else I'd go crazy. But I think it's time we take a convention. Even if our bills for 24-hour management of this room is going over the roof, we still have enough money to go to a cheap, local theme park! Steve Ellen STEVE: Cheap local theme park? Okay. I'll ask Juan, our new assistant, if he wants to come along. Juan? JUAN: Yes, I want very much to go to the cheap local theme park with you. Especially with Roo. STEVE: Would you go if it was just me going and not Roo? JUAN: Probably not. STEVE: And if it was just Roo going and not me? JUAN: Probably yes. STEVE: I feel so loved and appreciated. Roobear Juan: Well, we need to find the cheap local theme park.Roo: I know! The elementary school nearby has a end-of-the-year carnival on Sunday, and Steve can be my dad. Maybe I'll finally get to know what the kids on the outside are like. Steve: And their parents. Juan: No influence could change you, Steve. Steve: What is your problem Juan??? Steve Ellen STEVE: A teacher's pet on a leash! That's cute! Ouch! (Lawrence Wilson, the teacher's pet on a leash, bites Steve's leg) STEVE: Get. Him. Off! (kicks Lawrence halfway across the stage) ROO: Easy, Steve boy, I'll talk to the wild kid. JUAN: I want to talk to Wendy! (dopey look on his face) WENDY: (batting eyelashes) Hiiiii, Juan... STEVE: So who do I get, the old lady? OLD LADY: (hitting Steve with her purse) Don't get fresh, youngster! My name is Katherine Bailey! BENNY: What about me? Four guests and only three hosts? That's not fair! Why do I always get screwed? Life is not fair! I don't see why I have to be the one to always suffer! Why do I have to wear my older brother's hand-me-down clothes? Why does my mother say: "You were our little accident"? Why does everybody mock me at school? Why does... Roobear Roo: Why does... I mean... Why can't I go to a cheap theme park??Benny: Why do people think I have serious problems? How come I go here almost every day? Why is my brother beat me up just because I'm wearing his clothes? It wasn't my decision!! Old lady: Why did I have to take 13 pills this morning? Why can't I ever do something fun without my back hurting? Audience: BOO!!! Steve Ellen STEVE: I was faking being tired. The out-of-shape, overweight people who buy the tape see me getting "tired" and it makes them feel better about the fact that they can't touch their toes or even their knees. That tape is my best seller, by the way. Want to buy one, Juan? JUAN: Uh, no thanks, Steve. STEVE: Here. I'll give you a copy. I know you don't need it now, but if you keep eating at Wendy's, then it might come in handy later on. WENDY: Hey! Are you saying my food makes people fat? We have SALADS on the menu and CHICKEN! STEVE: Yeah? Well, have you ever seen a skinny chicken? They're kinda plump, you know? BENNY: (whispering in Roo's ear) Would you like to go to Wendy's with me? ROO: (Pushing Benny away) Ewww! Get away from me! JUAN: Yeah, let's all go to Wendy's. Except Steve, of course. He can stay here and watch his exercise tape. STEVE: We have a show to put on, people. Can we try to focus on it? Steve Ellen BENNY: Don't scream, Roo. I love you. I've always loved you. I've love you from the bottom of my heart to the top of my stomach. I love you like a cowboy loves his boots, like a schoolboy loves his books, like a choirboy loves his hymns, like a... ROO: Stop, Benny! I get the picture. BENNY: Come away to Nashville with me, Roo, and we will make beautiful music together. ROO: Okay. BENNY: Huh? ROO: I said okay. BENNY: What? Just like that? No argument? ROO: Are we going to Nashville or not? BENNY: Sure, Roo. Sure... [Benny and Roo exit, stage right...] Steve Ellen ROO: Nashville isn't "Out West", Benny. In fact, since I live in California, it's Way Out East!  BENNY: Awwww, Roo! You're such a kidder! That's why I love you so much. ROO: Okay, Benny. Slow down with the mushy stuff. You know I don't like that. BENNY: But, Roo. I hear you sweet talking to animals all the time. ROO: Yeah, well I like animals. BENNY: ? ROO: Hey, look, Benny! There's the Grand Ole Opry! BENNY: Why does everybody in Nashville walk around with a guitar strapped to their back? Roobear Roo: Well I suppose we'd have to decide if we were going to go rural or urban... I'd say urban... Im' not much of a country girl. And you know when I went before, In ever went to the Opry... I went to the Opry Mills Mall... it was great!!! Steve Ellen STEVE: (reading telegram) Oh no! Our show has been canceled! JUAN: *gasp* Say it is not true! ROO: Canceled?! Why those lousy_ STEVE: Uh, Roo. We've kept our PG rating this long. Let's not blow it right here at the end. JUAN: How can they do this? I just got here. How can they end the show when I have just begin to speak? STEVE: It's the 250 entries rule. I thought I explained all that when you joined up? JUAN: You didn't explain NOTHING, Steve! You just said: "Hey, amigo! Want to be on a show?" STEVE: Oh... Well I should have mentioned that, I guess. ROO: So, Steve? Are we going to have a party? STEVE: Sure, if we can fit it into less than 10 entries.  © Copyright 2004 Steve Ellen, Roobear, (known as GROUP). All rights reserved. GROUP has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
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