Crash Landing - Writing.Com

Below The Surface...Lie Dead Men's Bones
learn the chilling fact of life in this poem that was even given an awardicoin

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[Introduction]

Space Explorers crash on a funny planet...

Captain...... Steve
Engineer..... Mark
First Mate... Robin
Nurse......... Paige

Posting rules: As soon as you get the "Your Turn" notification you must post a sentence. OR You can wait a few hours and post a paragraph or two or three or four. OR You can wait too long and get your turn skipped by the CampfireMaster.

Format: script/play

Please end your addition with a question unanswered, either made directly to another character or just implied by events. And try to stay on top of previous questions so that the plot doesn't develop a lot of loose ends. Thanks, writers!

STEVE: Listen up, people! Yes, we've crashed and are stranded on a funny planet a million miles from Earth, but-

MARK: Steve? I think it's a lot more than a million miles. Out here in space distances are measured in lightyears.

STEVE: Thank you, Mister Science. My point is that even though we are stranded a million lightyears from-

MARK: Steve? It's only 22 lightyears, not "millions".

STEVE: And Science Boy interrupts me for the second time. All I am saying is that even though we are a long way from home, the situation is not hopeless. We are alive, on the ground, and undoubtedly a rescue ship is on the way. All we have to do is survive until it gets here.

Now, we all know the situation. I have some ideas about what we should do next. But first, let's hear everybody's input. You all know I'm not a captain who rules with an iron fist. Paige! Stop fidgeting and pay attention!

Okay, Marky Mark, since you're the engineer, let's hear your take on our predicament first. Then Robin, then Paige.

Mark

MARK: All right, folks. My immediate concerns are shelter and protection.

We need to patch up the hole in the ship. It’s got to be airtight and then I will calm down. I can weld a patch, but it is going to take about an hour. As far as damage we’re okay, but this ship isn’t going back into space.

NO SHOWERS! If we are here more than a week it will run us out of water. The recycler is fine, but we’ll need the water for consumption and cooking. Until you hear otherwise use the cleaning cloths and the Ionizer unless the Captain tells you otherwise.

Life support is fine. The energy cells will work indefinitely if I can keep them on rotation. That means we run on low energy all the time.

I don’t know how well stored we are in the rations, but the E.N.D. is operational (the viscous glop that comes out of the Emergency Nutritional Dispenser is pretty close to what you’d find in a sick child’s tissue) and with all the plant life I see out here we can keep it running. That goop gets boring pretty fast, but no one will starve. I think I can prepare us to be here a long time if necessary.

Weapons, sensors and the protection grid are all functional. Anyone notice anything broken I need to know about?

STEVE: Well, obviously your mouth isn't broken.

ROBIN: Hey, captain, hand me a cleansing cloth will ya? I’ve got like five pounds of dirt on my face from this crash and I need to freshen up.

Oh yeah, and Mark… broken… yeah, what exactly is that bone like looking thing shooting out of your left wrist? Paige? Can you come over here and take a look?

ROBIN: Paige? Steve! Where's Paige?

STEVE: Oh geez, did she wonder off?

[The three of them start calling "Paige! Paige!"]

STEVE: All right, listen. Robin, you stay with the ship and Mark and I will go look for Paige.

ROBIN: I'm not staying here by myself!

STEVE: Then come with me and Mark, you stay with the ship.

MARK: Wait a minute now, Steve. I grew up watching horror movies and if there is one thing I learned - it's when there is danger then DO NOT SPLIT UP THE GROUP!

STEVE: All right, then, we'll all go look for her, but if the ship is not here when we get back then don't blame me.

ROBIN: Steve! Who's gonna steal a big crashed spaceship?

STEVE: (in a very sinister tone of voice) The same thing that would steal Paige...

[There is a moment of dead silence to give time for each of them to have a chill run down their backbone]

MARK: Maybe we better take weapons with us?

STEVE: Good idea. You get the guns. Robin, grab as much food and water as you can. We don't know how long this is going to take.

ROBIN: What about that bone thing on Mark's wrist?

MARK: This? That's my lucky mojo bone. You never saw it before?

ROBIN: I guess I'm noticing it now because your uniform sleeve was ripped off in the crash. What the hell is a "mojo bone"?

Mark

MARK: Give me a minute, I want to set the perimeter protection grid.
[during minute Robin grabs rations and water packs]
Okay, I'm ready. Steve, you'll have to take the disintegration gun. Robin, I want you to take the two phaser pistols, since you have the best reflexes and are the best shot - you'll have our backs. I'll take the grenades and this stupid dagger.

ROBIN: Ah, you know it! Now lets go find Paige!

STEVE: Don't we need the power cell from this gun to keep the ship running?

MARK: Thats why you have it. It needs to be your call if its needed, sir.

STEVE: Then give ME the dagger so I have SOMETHING to use other than this. You know I'm going to put myself in harm's way before I let any of YOU confront some creature. (laughing to himself at THAT thought)

MARK: Aaahm, sure - ok, here. [hands over stupid dagger]

ROBIN: (inspecting Mark's wrist) Thats no Mojo bone, you big turd! You ARE hurt.

MARK: Oh, its "just a flesh wound" (said like Monty Python), besides we can't really do anything for it now. Lets go find me a nurse!

Steve: Look for tracks or signs of ambulation or transportation.

MARK: I'll pretend you didn't just say that Steve, you've been doing too many crossword puzzles again.

STEVE: Shut up and get going! Looks like this might be the way.

(Steve led the way down the blue dusty clay. He was too busy inspecting his prized Stupid Dagger to notice the white patch of sticky glue about the size of a small rainwater puddle.)

ROBIN: (shrieking )Steve! Watch out for that…

STEVE: Whaaa (steps his right foot into the middle of the goop.) Oh great. Now I’m stuck. It’s some sort of living creature. I read about it in the manual. Robin, feed it a food ration. Quick! Before it climbs up my leg!

(Robin quickly fumbles through the water packs and food rations.) Do you think it will like powdered broccoli? Or dehydrated strawberries?

STEVE: Either one! Hurry!

PAIGE: Hey, what's going on, gang?

MARK: Paige! Where were you?

PAIGE: I was just looking at those purple flowers over there.

ROBIN: Okay, Steve, that glue thing seems to like strawberries better than your foot.

PAIGE: You know Steve...I don't think this nurse's uniform is regulation! It's got a seethrough top for God's sake!

STEVE: Hmmmm...well, it'll just have to do until we reach Planet XYZ. Don't worry, Robin's got the same problem with her 1st mate's spacesuit.

PAIGE: Robin, you and I need to talk. The guys are playing us for fools! I mean I looked at Mark's protruding bone and it WASN'T on his wrist if you know what I mean!

ROBIN: Oh my, Paige...do you think the guys are just out for some space hanky-panky?

PAIGE: Either that, or we're in some weird Sci-fi Porno! I'm a nurse, I take my job very seriously!

STEVE: Ah, Paige...Robin, we were just havin' some fun with y'all! (gives Paige and Robin noogies)

MARK: And everybody knows what nurses are like...

PAIGE: What's THAT supposed to mean, Mark?

MARK: You know... how they're always having sex with their patients and everything...

PAIGE: I do NOT ALWAYS have sex with my patients!

MARK: So anyway, can you help me with my mojo bone?

PAIGE: NO!

STEVE: You ARE the nurse, Paige! It's your job to take care of us, so take care of Mark.

[Paige grudgingly goes to work on Mark's wrist]

STEVE: Robin, are there any strawberries left?

ROBIN: Sorry, Steve. That glue puddle creature seemed to like the strawbwerries better than the brocoli.

STEVE: So how are we doing on rations?

ROBIN: We have quite a bit of brocoli.

STEVE: And?

ROBIN: Brocoli, just brocoli, Steve.

STEVE: We can't live on brocoli!

Mark

MARK: Robin! Those weren't rations! Crap, you need new contact lenses? Stowbaby and BraClay - Look! It says it right on the packs. Well, all of our portable instant storage units are gone now. I hope you're happy. Damn, I wish it liked the bra clay better. The plastique would have blown him to pieces.

PAIGE: Mark, get your sorry ass over here and let me fix you up, I guess I have to do that much.

MARK: You know I'm just joking about the sleeping with the patients, I'm only fooling around, Paige. OOOUCH!

(Paige jams the bone back into place)

PAIGE: Happy to help, Mark. And quit staring at my chest.

MARK: I wasn't "staring", but you do have a great pair of- *WHOOMP!*
(Robin had thrown the empty packs at Mark's head)

ROBIN: You're such a JERK, I can't believe I'm stuck here with YOU. And now you're hitting on the nurse too? EERrrrrggg.

MARK: Steve, a little help here, buddy?
OWowfriggin OOOW, do you have to wrap it so tight?

PAIGE: Oh Mark, get over it. I'm just giving you what I know you need. *grinning madly*

ROBIN: (laughing) Nice work, Paige, but I'm sure he needs a lot more than that!

STEVE: HELLO!! GLUE, People? Captain here....

MARK: Robin, just activate the inflation sequence from your MuFA (multi functional assistant). It will destroy that thing, I think. If that's what we want to do - Captain?

[Everyone turns to look at Steve, except Mark, he gets a good profile look at Robin, damn she is hot!]

STEVE: Well, um, (looking at the MuFA w/ uncertain eyes) Robin? How good’s your aim? You weren’t asleep in class the day they taught you how to use that thing?

ROBIN: Steve. (pauses for dramatic effect, watching the glue inch its way up to Steve’s mid calf) Do you really think I don’t know how to push this little red button? (Robin aims the MuFA at the puddle of glue, and slowly begins to push the button.)

STEVE: WAIT! I’ll still get to keep my leg. After you destroy the glue? Right? Robin?

PAIGE: I’ll take good care of you Captain, if you need medical attention. I mean.

STEVE: Go. Robin. Push the danged button.

(Robin pushes, a large cloud of smoke encircles Steve. Two sounds can be heard. An ear screeching scream, and Steve, yelling "OH GOD, NO!" The smoke is too thick to see through.

STEVE: OH My GOD! You've turned my leg into a chicken wing! What the HELL did that thing do??

PAIGE: Oh Steve...don't worry! I always thought you were a little fowl, lol! (snickers into her hands)

ROBIN: Paige, this is serious! I've ruined Steve for life with this stupid MuFa thing! What can we do to make his leg go back to normal?

PAIGE: Hmmmm, I'd have to 'Google' it Robin (stares blankly at her laptop screen)

MARK: Paige! You can't just look it up on your damn computer! What kind of nurse are you anyway?

PAIGE: Well, I got my degree from a tiny hotel room in Jersey on a dare a few years ago. I thought that was good enough.

{Everyone looks at Paige with mouths gawking, trying to figure out what to do next...)

STEVE: Wait! I feel a strangeness in my chicken wing leg. It itches! Oh, how it itches!

[Steve's "chicken wing" slowly morphs into the correct shape for a leg...]

That MuFA is one weird gadget. Let's read the manual next time before we use it, okay?

ROBIN: But Steve, this was an emergency. No time to read the manual.

STEVE: Maybe, just read the manual. Mark, can I have a word with you a moment?

MARK: Sure, Steve. (They walk away from the women)

STEVE: Does it seem to you that everyone has been acting kind of "odd" since we landed on this planet?

MARK: Odd, Steve? What do you mean?

STEVE: Well, like Paige wandering off to look at those purple flowers and then remarking on her see-through uniform top as though she had never seen it before after we just spent 3 weeks together in the spaceship getting here?

MARK: Damn, that was a long sentence!

STEVE: See? Even you are acting strange. You never used to comment on my grammar before.

MARK: The one that bakes cookies?

STEVE: Mark... I'd give you a dope slap if I thought it would help. Something is affecting our minds. I don't understand why I am the only one who is still in his right mind... (Steve stares off into the sky while Mark loses interest and walks away)

ROBIN: Hey! You guys come over here! Look what me and Paige found!

Mark

PAIGE: Look, isn't he the cutest little puppy?

STEVE: What smells like burned soap?

ROBIN: His name's 'Baby'

MARK: Ahm, you've noticed it has more muscles than a pitbull? And the mist it exhales melts patches on the ground? Maybe we should be a little carefull? But he is really cute. Come here, Baby...

STEVE: (Reading scans he just took with his MuFA)
OK, okay...ooookay. No - lets NOT keep baby as a pet, and it looks like there are a few more (about 50) and much bigger of these things over in those hills.

PAIGE: Steve, look what it did to my pants!

STEVE: Hmmm... not good... has it hurt your skin?

PAIGE: No, I don't think so. [takes her pants off]
No, skin sems ok, why don't you make sure Steve?

ROBIN: HEY! Why is this thing getting bigger?

MARK: OH! Sorry, was I standing too close again?

ROBIN: SHUT UP! Look, it's swelling up or something. EEEeewwwww, look at that goo on its back. Oh no! STEVE!!

PAIGE: Thats the same white stuff Steve was stuck in. Is anyone else cold?

MARK: WOW! Paige you definitely look cold! (staring and smiling)

ROBIN: Hey! BACK UP!

STEVE: (looks at Stupid Dagger, puts it back) Lets get back to the ship and set up that protection grid. I have a bad feeling about this.

PAIGE: What is going ON here? Steve, my PANTS?

ROBIN: What smells like burned soap?

MARK: (Staring off at the sky) Wonder what Steve was looking at? Aahhm, ok - but we have to seal
up the thingy on the ship.

STEVE: [shakes his head at techno boy thinking "thingy"]
OK. Weapons check. Robin?

ROBIN: [fires a shot from each of the 2 pistols]
I'm good.

STEVE: Mark?

MARK: I've got these pineapple things, should I bang on one?

STEVE: NO! Mark, thats ok - maybe you should put those back in the nice puffy bin they came from.

MARK: Righty-O, Steve-a-reeno

ROBIN: What's he been smoking?

PAIGE: That's even weird for HIM!

STEVE: Paige, much as it hurts me to say this, you need to go put on cloths.

PAIGE: Oh, STeeeeevvvvveee!

STEVE: GO! Robin, you take first shift standing guard, you've got to watch Mark's back while he's welding.

MARK: WOW! This puppy throws some HEAT! [igniting welding torch]

STEVE: Paige! Keep an eye on him. If he gets any worse, I want you to sedate him, even if he hasn't finished. But he's going to come out of it soon, we all did.

PAIGE: Hey Steve, look at this. [just stands there, but does it very well]

STEVE: You're killing me Paige, go get dressed!

PAIGE: Good thing I found this outfit to change into...the other one was a bit risque.[smooths out the purply silk pantsuit]

ROBIN:[angrily] Paige! You took MY Jessica Simpson pantsuit! You're always borrowing my things without my permission!

PAIGE: Oh, Robin...I thought we were friends! Well, if you like you can borrow my Vera Wang gown if you like.

STEVE: [whispering loudly]You girls quiet down! Those things might be lurking around here anywhere.

PAIGE: Don't worry Steve...the 'thingys' don't care about fashion, silly!

[Steve rolls eyes and shakes his head, leaving Paige to keep an eye on Mark]

MARK: Paige...don't leave me...I don't feel so good. I think I need some medicine.... [voice trails off as Mark passes out.

STEVE: Help me drag Mark over here to the corner. Wait! On second thought, let's use his body for a barricade against those creatures.

ROBIN: Steve! That's not nice!

STEVE: Oh yeah. Okay, Mark in the corner where he can sleep while we fight the beasts.

PAIGE: How does this gun work again?

STEVE: Just pull the trigger.

[A searing blast of laser beam burns a hole in the wall next to Steve's head]

STEVE: NOT NOW! And not at me! At the beasts!

ROBIN: I'm scared, Steve. Those things look like pitt bulls on steroids.

PAIGE: Mmmmm... Muscles!

STEVE: Paige, I wish you were asleep with Mark.

PAIGE: Okay, Steve.

[Paige goes over and lies down next to Mark]

STEVE: Has everyone gone insane? We'll never survive long enough for the rescue ship to get here.

ROBIN: Are we going to die, Steve?

STEVE: Not if I can help it, Robin. When I took that oath to "boldly go where no man should go" I meant it.

ROBIN: Was there a section in the oath about returning home from where you boldly went?

STEVE: Hmmmmm... No, there wasn't. Most of the emphasis was on the "going" - very little on the "returning"...

ROBIN: Steve, I'm so scared I could-

STEVE: Quiet! Enough of this chitchat. The beasts sneak ever closer. Is your gun locked and loaded?

[Robin wipes away a tear and grits her teeth.]

Yes! Sir!

[With a roar and a snort, one of the beasts comes charging at them. Robin and Steve fire their weapons and the beasts explodes into a fireball of burning flesh.]

ROBIN: Yaaaa-hoooo!

STEVE: Nice shooting.

[Mark stirs in his sleep]

MARK: Heyyyy... what's all the noise?

STEVE: Wake up Paige, buddy, and grab your gun! We just blew away one of the native lifeforms of this planet. I feel so alive and human right now!

Mark

PAIGE: Hey don't kill them, they haven't done anything to us!

ROBIN: They scared us. That's pretty bad.

STEVE: Hmm, you know - I think Paige is right.

[Everyone looks at Steve at the exact same time, expecting to see a a doppleganger in his place. It was only Steve, and he really DID think Paige was right!]

PAIGE: I'm always right Steve, you're just too afraid to admit it.

MARK: Oh, MAN my head is pounding. Paige, can I have an aspirin or something. Geeze, what happened to my wrist?

ROBIN: Mark, you're ok! Nice to have you back.
Now go fix the hole in the ship before we get eaten alive.

STEVE: Give him a minute, Robin. Don't you know a guy needs a few minutes to recover sometimes?

PAIGE: Ya, even you Steve! [blushes]

ROBIN: Paige! You hussy! Have you been messing around with the Captain?

Paige: I'm under strict orders not to discuss this matter. [huge smile]

STEVE: I wouldn't talk Robin, I've seen you sneaking out of your quarters late at night.

MARK: Paige, ASPIRIN, PLEASE!

[Robin fires 3 blasts outside, killing more beasties}

PAIGE: Would you QUIT it!! We don't even know if they are trying to hurt us!

STEVE: Well, the glue stuff, the growling and all, it is kind of threatening. Besides, it's too late to be friendly.

ROBIN: I don't shoot them when they are small and cute, only when they are big and creepy. [a little pout]

[More shots, then an eerie silence... ]

ROBIN: I think we got them all. Mark, hit that hole and patch it up. They may come back.

MARK: You got my back right, Robin? (flashes Robin a very sexy smile.)

ROBIN: You know. (Turns to Steve) Steve, can I have the stupid dagger? You know, just in case.

STEVE: (reaches for his hip, where the dagger has been.) What? Where’s the stupid dagger?

PAIGE: Steve? Don’t tell me you lost the stupid dagger?

STEVE: Well, it was here a minute ago, before we were attacked by those muscular thingies.

(Everyone glances around for the stupid dagger.)

PAIGE: We have to find it.

MARK; Paige, chill out. Its just a stupid dagger.

PAIGE: (begins to get hysterical) NO! It’s not just a stupid dagger.

STEVE: (shoots Paige a ‘what in the world are you talking about look’) Paige? Please explain. As the captain, I should know all there is to know about stupid daggers, MuFa’s, and anything else on this ship. Is there something about the stupid dagger that I am not aware about?

PAIGE: well, um, er, you see…

[Paige stuffs her mouth with alot of dehydrated food so that no one understands her]

PAIGE: hjhghimg, wher hgwoe goei he iet asougt, stoitjl!

STEVE: What the...we can't understand a word when you're mouth is full of space food Paige!

ROBIN: I understood her Steve, what's the problem?

[Mark fixes the hole and Robin brandishes her gun, doing Charlie's Angels pose as she does]

STEVE: Well, what did she say then Robin?

ROBIN: She said "hjhghimg, wher hgwoe goei he iet asougt, stoitjl!" it's so obvious!

MARK: Robin failed to tell you that it's Uranianus, the official language of Uranus, Steve!

STEVE:[Steve grimaces then slaps his forehead]Of COURSE! I forgot Paige is part Uranian!

ROBIN: Yeah, she taught that to me a few years ago, when we were visiting her Uncle Colon and Aunt Anus.

PAIGE: If they could only see me now!

STEVE: You've come a long way since you were a little girl playing with your dolls on Uranus.

PAIGE: I remember my best friend, Betty Dingleberry, and her brother Dooky. We used to set my dolls around a little table and make mud pies for them. Then Dooky would blow up the mud pies with firecrackers and that would make me and Betty mad. We'd chase him and catch him and beat him up. Then he'd go complain to Mom, but Mom would threaten to tell Dad that Dooky was a wimp and even a girl could beat him up.

When Dooky turned 18 he left home and joined the Space Fleet. He was blown to bits in the Saturnian War... Betty became the Weather Girl on WLIF in Urania City. She's probably on 3DHDTV right now saying there will be rain tomorrow... [a tear forms in Paige's eye, then a flood] Oh boo hoo hoooooo...

ROBIN: Don't cry, Honey. You never know how life is going to turn out. If I had known I was going to end up stranded on this planet, do you think I would have joined the Space Explorers?

MARK: Why DID you join the Space Explorers?

ROBIN: [Stares off into sky] It's a long story and I don't feel like going into it right now...

STEVE: (looking around and mumbling) Where is that stupid dagger?

ROBIN: But what about you, Mark? Why did YOU join the Space Explorers? I know part of it was to be cooped up in small spaces for weeks at a time with good-looking women [Robin grins] but there's more to it than that, isn't there?

Mark

MARK: No not really Robin. As much as Steve and I and other brilliant men are great thinkers, it all just comes down to the babes. The only thing that could make this more of a guy fantasy, would be you and Paige making out.

STEVE: Well, lets not forget the minicam I brought Mark.

MARK: Yeah, that sure doesn't hurt.

ROBIN: (walks very sexily over to Paige)

[Paige and Robin stand there, inches apart - knowing Steve and Mark are mindless aroused tools at this moment]

(Robin stands in front of Paige, reaches out and strokes her fingers through Paige’s hair)

ROBIN: (using her sultry voice) Paige. I know we’ve been friends a very long time, and I’ve never mentioned to you how I feel about you. (stops to flash a sexy smile at the guys.) You really do look magnificent. (Robin’s pointer finger traces Paige’s lips.)And, if our MaterCaptain Steve had any foresight, he would have rated this spaceship a GC, or even better an XGC.

Unfortunately, any desire I have for you must be kept in 13+ check.

(Robin flashes another smile at the guys. Both girls then burst into laughter. Robin grabs Paige by the wrist and pulls her into another room in the spaceship, leaving the guys just standing there.)

[(after 2 hr time frame] Paige and Robin walk out of room, each puffing on a Bensen & Hedges]

PAIGE: My, oh my...it's such a lovely day, don't you think Robin?

ROBIN: It surely is, Paige dear...I guess we should go and see what Steve & Mark are up to.

[Steve and Mark walk out of their rooms, each puffing on a Marlborough Kingsize]

STEVE: Oh hey, girls! I was just uh...fixing my plumbing, the pipe burst.

MARK: [stifles laughter] yeah, mine had that problem too, hehe.

ROBIN: Gawd, you'd think men would be able to use analogies without being SO obvious, wouldn't you, Paige honey?

PAIGE:[Paige smooths out Robins unkempt hair]Oh well...they ARE men, aren't they Robs?

MARK: Well...my wrist seems to be alot better now! Thanks for the help Paige.

STEVE: Hmmm, I wonder why mine is starting to hurt? [groans as he moves his wrist from left to right]

ROBIN: Anyway, anybody see anything unusual on the display yet?...no more thingys lurking I hope!

STEVE: Hmmm... The display says "Warning - This ship will self-destruct in 60 seconds!"

Damn! I forgot about the auto-destruct system! Everybody grab what you can and run outside!

[There is a mad scramble as Mark grabs his porn collection and Robin and Paige hurriedly stuff makeup and clothes into a bag. Everyone runs for the bushes and just barely make it to safety before the ship explodes in a ball of orange flame.]

MARK: What the hell is the auto-destruct system?

STEVE: It's classified.

MARK: Does that matter now since we are doomed?

STEVE: Don't be such a pessimist. Breathable air and possibly some edible plants - we'll survive.

The auto-destruct system was installed in case our ship might fall into the hands of unfriendly aliens. Headquarters didn't want to give them access to all that technology. I guess the crash triggered it somehow.

ROBIN: Captain, what are we going to do?

STEVE: Head for the hills. See that cliff? Unless my eyes are fooling me, there are some caves in it.

PAIGE: I think I see them.

[The group trudges over to the rocky cliff]

MARK: Look at this cave! It seems big enough.

STEVE: Okay... Mark, you better go inside and check it out while we wait out here.

Mark

ROBIN: Hey Paige, aren't you some kind of plant specialist or something?

PAIGE: Well, I do have a garden, but I'm not an alien horticulturist or botanist or anything. Why?

ROBIN: Well, look over here. There are several kinds of berries on these plants.

STEVE: [grabs some of the giant green berries and eats them] Paige, I don't know what's going to happen. Get ready.

MARK: [buzzing in from walkie-talkie] Hey, guys, this is really weird in here. It's like a kids' moon-bounce in here. And there is a stream in here, hopefully it's just water. Oh, and WOW! Look at THAT!

ROBIN: OMG! (yelling into walkie-talkie) Mark! Steve just ate berries!!

MARK: Ah, ok.

PAIGE: Steve! I think you're swelling up! Well, your stomach is.

STEVE: I feel really full, yeah, I can feel my stomach getting full - and tight!

[Steve's stomach swells to 2 times it's normal size]

STEVE: Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrrppp! AHH, feels better now [waving hand in front of face] Phew! Man, that stinks! Hahaha!

PAIGE: Eeeewww, Steve. That's gross. How do you feel?

[Steve smiles and shows glowing green teeth]

STEVE: I feel fine.

ROBIN: Did you guys hear Mark?

STEVE: Yeah. Sounds kinda fun. Let's go have a look. [picks a few berries to take along]

PAIGE: Steve, you shouldn't really eat anything until we know if it's edible.

STEVE: Oh, I know. I saw those creatures eating some of those berries the other day. Right afterwards they swelled up, and that was when they exploded so easy when we shot them. I didn't know if it was an allergic reaction or if it filled them with a gas. With the way they exploded, I figured it was gas. They taste pretty good. Like sour apples.

PAIGE: Steve, you should still be more careful.

MARK: (on walkie-talkie) Hey, you guys HAVE to come on in. This is the weirdest place I have ever seen! You're not going to believe some of this!

(the rest of the group enters the cave cautiously.)

STEVE: Wow!

PAIGE: Hey. The walls are that same blue as the dirt outside our exploded spaceship. (she brushes her fingers lightly across the cave wall.)

ROBIN: OMG! You guys. Oops, I mean ‘y’alll’ I am from the south, I keep forgetting. Look what I just found.. (Bends down to pick up something from the ground and holds it up. Then, all of a sudden, she his gone. Fallen straight through the dirt.)

PAIGE: (shrieking) Roooobiiiin! (Everyone runs over to where Robin just was. The dirt is there in tact. Like nothing happened.

MARK: {running into the cave area where the others stand.) What the heck?

STEVE: Paige, was that the stupid dagger Robin was holding just before she…(voice trails off.)

MARK: Before she what? Paige? What did Robin just do?

PAIGE: She just vanished Mark. Just like that. There was this huge hole, and she fell straight into it.

(Mark heads over to the spot were Robin just disappeared.)

PAIGE: No. Mark. Don’t. We can’t lose you too!

(Mark falls into a hole and is gone.

A loud noise is heard far away from the end of the cave. Footsteps are approaching. Breathless gasps can be heard. Steve and Paige turn to see Robin smiling)

ROBIN: OMG Paige! It’s the best water slide I’ve EVER been on. Only you don’t land in water when you get to the bottom.

STEVE: Let me guess. It’s blue dust. (reaches out to touch Robin’s shirt which is covered in blue dust)

Paige: It’s in your hair too. (Paige reaches to brush it out of Robin’s hair.)

MARK: (from far end of cave, covered in blue dust) Hey, that was great! You've got to try it, Steve.

STEVE: I don't know...

PAIGE: Come on, Steve! Hold my hand. I'll jump with you.

[Steve and Paige disappear down the hole, then emerge in a few moments at the far end of cave, laughing]

STEVE: That was interesting!

PAIGE: What a rush! I'm going again!

[Paige jumps into hole...]

ROBIN: I wonder why there would be something like that in this cave?

MARK: Weird, isn't it? Maybe it's some creature like otters building these slides. You know otters do that on earth. They build slides on river banks just for fun.

STEVE: Except this is dust, not water. It reminds me of doodlebugs. You know what those are, Robin?

ROBIN: Of course, Steve. Ya know I'm from the South. We used to put a stick in their sand traps and say "Doodlebug, doodlebug. your house is on fire..."

STEVE: Hahaha! Yeah, I remember doing that.

MARK: What are they?

STEVE: Doodlebugs? Some people call them ant lions. They make these little cone shaped pits in the sand or dust. When an ant falls in one, it can't climb out of the sloping sides. Of course, the doodlebug has been waiting under the sand at the bottom and when he senses the ant struggling, then he jumps out and grabs the ant and eats it. Very clever.

ROBIN: Shouldn't Paige have returned from her slide by now?

STEVE: Yeah...

ROBIN: Omigod Steve! Do you think this dust slide was made by something like a doodlebug? Did Paige jump into a trap?

[Everybody stares at each other...]

STEVE: I don't think it's a good idea to jump down the slide anymore.

ROBIN: But what about Paige?

MARK: Looks like it's time for another search party.

STEVE: Let's work backwards and see if we can retrace our steps from the far end of the cave to the bottom of the slide.

And be careful. We don't know anything about this alien doodlebug...

(everyone starts calling for Paige.)

ROBIN: Guys, shhhh. What if our voices attract this doudlebug thing? We need to keep it down.

MARK: Has anyone thought about what we’re gonna do if it’s NOT a doodlebug? Like if it’s bigger, stronger, faster, fiercer than a doodlebug?

STEVE: Mark, you disappoint me. You know I always have a plan.

MARK: Are you planning on sharing it? Your plan I mean?

ROBIN: shhhhh. Can the two of you shut up for one stinkin’ minute? I hear something.

(everyone gets quiet.)

ROBIN: There. That. Do you hear it?

STEVE: Yeah, but what is it?

MARK: I think it’s Paige. And she’s calling for help.

PAIGE: The Looovvee Boat, soon will be making another runnn....(singing is heard from the vortex)

ROBIN: Oh My God! She's singing again...she does this whenever she's scared about something.

MARK: Weird...I just wet my pants.

STEVE: Yeah, OK Mark, that's more than I want to know about your nervous habits dude! (Steve makes grimaces at his buddy)

ROBIN: PAIGE!! (Robin cups her hands over mouth and calls)
Stop singing bad T.V. theme songs and get your butt up here girl!

PAIGE: Da Plane! Da Plane!

MARK:(calls down) Paige, there aint no planes inside the hole, but watch out for Doodlebugs OK?

ROBIN: Steve....go down there and help her, I think she's disoriented.

STEVE: Why would Paige have anything against Oriental people? Ohhh....gotcha (Steve slaps his forehead as he realized what Robin meant)

STEVE: Ouch!

ROBIN: What's the matter?

STEVE: My forehead hurts...

ROBIN: Quit stalling and get in that hole!

STEVE: You sound like my ex-girlfriend...

[Steve jumps into the vortex]

MARK: Be careful!

ROBIN: Listen!

[From the hole comes the sound of Paige and Steve singing the "Gilligan's Island" theme song]

Mark

MARK: Robin!

ROBIN: WHAT? Why are you looking at me like that?

MARK: Robin, you need to take your clothes off RIGHT NOW! *Moves towards Robin, way to seriously.*

ROBIN: Mark, look – I know we have a few minutes here, but...

MARK: (interrupting) SHUTUP! Look at your shirt! CRAP! I think the blue stuff is acidic. It’s....it’s melting your shirt? Come on, we gotta get this stuff off of us.
*starts getting undressed*

ROBIN: OMG!! OMG!! *starts undressing*

MARK: (yelling down slide to others) HEY!
Can you hear me?

STEVE: Of course we can hear you.

PAIGE: ....all on Gilligan’s isle.......

ROBIN: GET IT OUTTA MY HAIR!! OMG

MARK: (yelling) STEVE, THE BLUE STUFF IS
ACID! LOOK AT YOUR CLOTHES

PAIGE: ....here’s this story.......of a lovely lady...

STEVE: Think maybe we should be getting out of here! Paige, you better get out of the JS purple jumpsuit, oh, wait, your suit is fine! But my clothes are dissolving.
(yelling) ROBIN! Is this jumpsuit all polyester?

PAIGE: ....who was bringing up 3 girls...of her own...

ROBIN! WHAT? WHAT!!! Ahm, Mark, Im leaving on the bra and panties, they don’t have any blue stuff on them. (yelling) YES! (not yelling now, but sort of mumbling)Yeah, just like her boobs.

PAIGE: ...all of them had hair of gold......like their mother

MARK: Robin, I think you really NEED to take off the rest.

ROBIN: Yeah right, well get over it ‘cause I’m NOT going to.

STEVE: Mark....hey MARK!
Grab that small sack behind you – should be right by the hole. Throw it down here fast.

MARK: Bag...sack.....AH! got it, Here it comes Steve.

PAIGE: ...yes they were alllllllll a.....lone!

ROBN: Mark, come help me get this stuff out of my hair.

MARK: Just a minute, I’m almost done here.

STEVE: (Steve, had been “commando” today. He reached into the bag and pulled out a disposable chem suit, and pulled it on.) Paige, come here sweetheart, let me brush your hair, we need to get out of here.

PAIGE: ....till the one day ..HUH? Aahhm, Ok, Sure brush my hair Steve. Hey, nice duds there Steve.

ROBIN: MARK! I cannot reach all of it, could you help me with the hair.

STEVE: (yelling) HEY, MAKE SURE YOU GET IT ALL OUT OF YOUR HAIR!

MARK: Brilliant Steve, we’ll get right on that.

PAIGE: Eeww, this blue stuff is almost sticky in my hair. Steve, what’s going on?

ROBIN: MAAAARK!! GET the F*#@ over here NOW!

MARK: (smugly smiling) Yes dear

STEVE: Paige, this blue stuff seems to be dissolving organic matter, though it isn’t bothering skin....or your jumpsuit

PAIGE: Oh, gross, give me that red tube in the bag please.

STEVE: *tosses red tube to Paige* What is it?

PAIGE: It’s a leave in conditioner, should help loosen this crud in my hair.

STEVE: Oh (watches his clothes completely dissolve on the ground)

ROBIN: THANK you.....Mark, really. I was kind of freaking out about my hair.

MARK: Don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have been teasing you.

PAIGE: Did........did you just hear that?

STEVE: No, what did you hear?

MARK: (yelling) COME ON! GET UP HERE!

ROBIN: PAIGE, I NEED THE HAIR GOOP

PAIGE: Steve, I think I know what’s going on here, we gotta get out now!

STEVE: Yup, I don’t need a detailed explanation at this point Paige...I’m with ya.

ROBIN: I think the floor just moved, OMG THE FLOOR JUST MOVED, MARK!

STEVE: (yelling) EVERYONE GET OUT RIGHT NOW

PAIGE: (just getting back to where Mark and Robin were still waiting) GO GO! GET OUT

STEVE: (huffing and puffing) ....ya....go....hurry

[Robin grabs Paige’s hand, picks up pistols and they run from cave]

STEVE: CRAP! Man...we gotta get out Mark...come on

MARK: Yeah, but we have a second, so calm down and grab a breath. You know – I keep telling you that you need more than 400 calories and 3 hours sleep. I don’t know how you do it.

STEVE: You know why. Just ...don’t say anything to the others, OK?

MARK: yeah, you know I won’t. Come on, we do need to move on out. Nice suit.

STEVE: Yeah, I was going commando today, so I had to grab something. What the heck is going on anyway?

MARK: It’s not a doodlebug. I think we’re in the digestive tract of a creature.

STEVE: YIKES, lets get moving.

[As Captain Steve and Mark depart the “cave” a loud gurgling grumble resonates from within]

[The four space explorers stand outside the cave, gasping for breath, relieved to be safe, but kind of sad to be standing around in their underwear. The sound of chanting comes from the hills.]

ROBIN: Listen! Do you guys hear that?

PAIGE: Yeah... It sounds like "Oompah oompah..."

MARK: Why do I have this sudden craving for chocolate?

STEVE: Geeze! Does it never end? Now what?

[A band of small blue men come marching single file over the hill. They wear only loincloths and carry spears. The lead blue man screeches to a halt and all the ones behind him bump into him before they can stop. They scramble to get themselves upright again.]

BLUE MAN: Oompah! Oompah oompah?

ROBIN: What are they saying, Steve?

STEVE: Am I an all-purpose digital computation and translation device?

MARK: You're not, Steve, but I happen to have an APDCTD right here in my bag. [Pulls out small gadget that looks like a Taiwanese knock-off of an iPOD, except it's red. Clicks switch.]

BLUE MAN: ...and so we welcome you to GrubbyLand, the Garden Spot of the Desert, where you will be wined, dined, and treated to a night of pleasure. All we ask is that you take a quick tour of the new condominiums we're constructing and listen to a very brief presentation.

ROBIN: Steve! The answer to our dreams!

STEVE: Hold on! I'm not interested in buying any condo way out here.

MARK: Don't worry, Steve. Let me do the talking. I can resist any sales pitch. Don't you see we can get food and water-

PAIGE: And clothes!

MARK: -and clothes- Is that so important, Paige?

ROBIN: Well, I could sure use a hot meal and a warm bed to sleep in. Let's go see those condoes.

Mark

BLUE MAN: It is our custom to welcome the strong and hearty to our lands. Thank you for bringing these two female forms, they will be the main subject of out night of pleasure. (looks at Paige and Robin) They smell funny. Gorp, Bindle - take the concubines and wash them, they will bring no pleasure if we have to turn our heads from the smell. Feed the males, allow a hot wash and give them suitable attire. Bring the females to my quarters prepared for inspection.

STEVE: Hey, those are cute little spears you have, ever seen one of these? (points disintegration gun at rock and blasts)

BLUE MEN: (falling to ground, scrambling to hide)

ROBIN: Aims and shoots a spear out of the leaders hand.

PAIGE: THIS is a purple Jessica Simpson JUMPSUIT! It is NOT underwear.

STEVE: Paige, ya - and Im in my Armani chem suit, who cares.

ROBIN: It MY suit. She should be the one in underwear.

MARK: Steve, I've got you back here buddy, but
(speaking piglatin - the only non-translatable language in the universe) eye-hay inkthay athey
itemay angechay earthay indsmay.

STEVE: (looks at Mark like he's a brain damaged
used car salesman) O K M a r k
(turns to Blue Man leader)
We are not interested in being seperated from one another, and it is OUR custom, and a VERY strong one, that no one have pleasure with the females but their companions.

( a spear is tossed from the deep right side, Steve does not see it.)

PAIGE: *3 running steps and a perfect dive, grabbing the spear inches before it pierces Steve*
(a tumble roll and jumps to her feet)
HEY! the next one of you little guys who tosses a spear is going to have ME stick one clean through you and cook you up for dinner!

ROBIN: mmmm, Paige that was awsome, you are so HOT.

MARK: Stev, ya Paige has your back too.

STEVE: Thank you Paige. (turns to bluemen)
DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

Bluemen: (not even a flinch)

PAIGE: (hurls spear extremely fast, and wizzes past blueman leaders head, sticks into tree nearby, a few inches deep) NEXT TIME ITS BETWEEN THE EYES, now DROP THE SPEARS.

MARK: DAMN! You kick ASS for a nurse.

STEVE: You heard the lady

BLUEMEN: (all drop spears and back up a few steps)

ROBIN: (digging in sack for clothes, finds a chem suit, pulls it on)

MARK: NICE! No freakin ship, Bluempaloompas, and every one has a jumpsuit but me. NICE!

STEVE: Mark how many could we hold at bay? An armed welcome committee would only represent a small portion of their armed force. There may be 20 times more total, and then ten times more than that unarmed.

BLUEMAN: WE are all. There are no more of us. The monserously huge creatures, the ones like this that you escaped from, have eaten most of us.
We call them "Greeds"
Their is only one of them left. We hoped to elicit your help in destroying it. We offer you the comforts of all we have. You are our last hope.

ROBIN: What other beings inhabit this planet?

MARK: Do you have a ship?

STEVE: How have you killed the other Greeds?

BLUEMAN leader: OUR power weapons used to be used, but the Greeds absorbs power. They can only be killed by starvation or by puncture wounds.
Several of our brave and sick or dying soldiers
went into the creatures, and single handedly destroyed them, with internal punctures. There is no way out if you do that, they gush digestive juices once it is aware something is inside.
We have decided to stay together, and die together trying or succeed together.

STEVE: How many external puncture wounds does it typically take.

BLUEMAN LEADER: 500 or so, depending on where the hits are.

MARK: We can construct a wheel based hand crank repeater, like a gattling gun. We could get that many spears in it in about 6 or 7 minutes.

ROBIN: How do the Greeds attack?

BLUEMAN LEADER: They sit and wait for us to go on hunting expeditions, and just land on us. We die instantly of course, and then it eats the squished mess.

STEVE: They have never come to you and attacked?

BLUEMAN LEADER: No

PAIGE: I can throw a balanced spear about 110 meters, how far do they move an dhow fast?

STEVE: Paige, really?

PAIGE: Yup, haven't done it in about 10 years, but that one toss felt pretty easy.

BLUEMAN LEADER: They can spring up and land about
120 meters. It takes them only seconds. We have died so often because our best throwers can only throw about 40 meters.

PAIGE: Lets gt some spears.

[Paige and her cohorts look around for spears and a local swordsmith brings several dozen over to them with a nod of his head]

STEVE: Thankyou...this will do for starters.

MARK: I wonder if we dipped them in some kind of poison if that would make them die quicker?

PAIGE: It would have to be more potent than arsenic and twice as lethal, Mark.

MARK: well, I think the local flora has some poisonous plants, if my calculations are correct.

ROBIN: Yeah, I read about the Guavaflava plant...it has poison strong enough to kill 100 elephants in 3 seconds!

[The foursome take their spears and look around the village for some Guavaflava plants]

STEVE: anybody see anything? They're supposed to look red with green-striped leaves. And prickly...so be carefull!

ROBIN: OUCH! Thanks for telling me sooner, Steve! [she holds her right hand and examines it from the sting]

STEVE: Sorry, sweetie! I guess Paige can tend to it...it shouldn't do anything bad, only hurt for awhile. The posion only works when the flowers are mixed with human saliva.

ROBIN: Ewwww! I'm not donating mine, gross!

PAIGE: You can use my spit...I don't need it right now. [she uses a small bowl to spit into in order to mix the potion for the spears]

MARK: I'll donate some too...You never know if it'll be worth something someday, haha!

ROBIN: Well, (grabs the spit bowl) I guess (spits more) for the mission (more spitting) I can donate some of my spit.

PAIGE: We are never gonna generate enough saliva to produce the poison. Steve? What are we gonna do?

(All eyes turn to Steve)

STEVE: Why does everyone look to me for all the answers? Mark?

MARK: (fumbling through his manual) It says here that if you mix 3 parts blue man spit to 1 part um ..male human semen, the chemical make-up closely resembles that of human spit. Should work. (turns to Robin) Robin, for the sake of the mission...(flashes a devious smile)

Steve: Paige? What about it?

ROBIN: No Way! You guys can handle that all on your own. You don't our help with [b}that{/b}

(Both girls take several steps back, cross their arms and eye the guys.)

ROBIN: Feel free to begin any time now gentlemen.

STEVE: You've got the old manual, Mark. In the New Revised Version all we need is rainwater.

MARK: Yeah? So where are we gonna get that? This is a desert.

BLUEMAN: Did I hear you say you wanted some rainwater?

ROBIN: You sure did. Ya got some?

BLUEMAN: Yes, barrels of it. We collect it in our village during the rainy season.

STEVE: Ahhhh, so this place is not always a desert?

BLUEMAN: It's always a desert, but sometimes it rains.

PAIGE: Whatever. Let's go to the village, Steve.

STEVE: I guess it's the logical thing to do. Mark?

Mark

MARK: Oh, of course, because everything has followed along a course of predictable logic. Of course we should do that. BUT, what if Paige and Robin were to do a rain dance? What if it brought rain?

BLUE: Yes, The Gods of Wetness love Bare Breasts.

STEVE: Do we have time to get to the rainwater and come back.

BLUE: NO, the creature is waking, we heard it grumble from within. We have only a short time.

PAIGE: Ah, why not, this dusty jumpsuit needs a good rinse anyway. Do we need a fire or something?

ROBIN: WHAT? no way...your not going to ..

BLUE: Our custom is for the naked women to
(interrupted by Paige)
PAIGE: WHOA!! You said breasts, not NAKED!

BLUE: It has always worked best naked.

STEVE: COntinue, tell us more.

MARK: I am definately going to need some more clothes!

ROBIN: OH, no...If Im naked YOU are getting naked, I don't care if your just sitting there, you strip if we strip.

MARK: K

STEVE: I need to keep this on and protect the desintegate gun.

PAIGE: WHATEVER!! GOD you unrelenting pains! OK
(paige strips off jumpsuit, and as she undoes her bra, the "filling" comes out) Happy?

MARK: Paige, you don't need those, you're damn hot anyway. Right Steve?

STEVE: *shaking head* I can't believe I never noticed before....

ROBIN: Get over it, Paige, here I come *Robin strips* I don't care what they see, they ain't gettin none of THIS 'til I stop hating them.

PAIGE: Thats RIGHT Robin! You hold out, I'll have them both! *laughs*

ROBIN: God, you know your right Paige, I won't be able to resist will I?

STEVE: (looking a Blue) What is the traditional dance?

BLUE: The Men must stand naked, hands raised high in the air to reach up to the wetness gods.

The woman, skip and hop in a circle, while shouting belittling comments at the men, until the Gods laugh so hard the pee upon the lands.

It is important that the Women be funny and not cruel, be bouncy, but not hurtful.

STEVE: Oh, we shouldn't bother, you know how long it's been since these two said anything funny?

MARK: YEAH!

ROBIN: Bring it on short-round, and your little pal Butt face too!

STEVE: See what I mean?

BLUE: We should go to the villiage

PAIGE: Wait, we can do this. I know we are funny, we always laugh at what we say!

MARK: Yup, I'm starting to laugh right now. *silly smile*

STEVE: Can we prompt the ladies during the dance?

BLUE: NO, men must remain SILENT!

PAIGE: OMG!! Well, maybe we SHOULD just go to the villiage!

ROBIN: Have you EVER heard either of these two NOT comment on ANYTHING?

BLUE: (turning to the now naked Mark, and Steve)
YOU MUST REMAIN SILENT, you eliciting the GODS!

MARK: No prob, piece of cake...

STEVE: Damn I'm hungry. Paige, have anything for me to eat? *stupid grin*

PAIGE: AH, time for YOU to shut up.

ROBIN: (waggling head back and forth at Mark with a mocking grin) THIS...has been a loooong time coming.

STEVE: (nods to ladies to begin)

BLUE: WAIT!

PAIGE: What NOW?

BLUE: You must start with the "pre-dance" ritual of satisfaction.

ROBIN: .......oh, don't tell me we have to

BLUE: YES, you do.

[Paige reaches for her boom box and puts on an old tape of The Rolling Stones] Can't get no...satisfaction...

PAIGE: There ya go...c'mon Robin, let's dance to this song!

ROBIN: Brilliant, Paige...Brilliant!

[Steve & Mark look at each other and shake their heads in disbelief]

STEVE: You girls are supposed to dance to satisfy the Bluemen & us, not put on a tape of "Satisfaction"! [he pops out the tape and throws it into a bush]

ROBIN: Well, that's the only bush you'll ever see, you leches! [Robin & Paige both hurriedly put on their clothes again angrily]

MARK: Awww, you girls are spoiling the whole ritual now! The Bluemen will punish us and fry our brains!

PAIGE: Don't worry then, Mark...you guys don't have any to fry [laughs out loud and hi-5's Robin]

BLUEMAN: No, this is not going to work. You women are not cooperating in the ancient ritual. All of you will have to be put into the dungeon of Fire!

[The group of 4 look terrifying at each other and they all start to shake uncontrollably]

(The four are tied to poles hung horizontally. Large fires are under each. Fully clothed)

ROBIN: Gee thanks Steve! This is all your fault!

STEVE: MY fault?

PAIGE: Yeah Steve! All you guys had to do was keep your mouths shut. Not say a word. And could you do that? Hell no. Now look at us.

MARK: Oh, c’mon girls, you guys are always looking for ways to unclog those facial pores. This is it.

ROBIN: Is this the part where I’m supposed to laugh? Forgive me Mark, but being tied to a stake, with burning flames several feet away from my body doesn’t exactly conjure up laughter.

STEVE: Stop it you two. We have to figure a way out. Now, start thinking. Mark, don’t you a can of bug repellant in your backpack? Isn’t it just as good as a fire extinguisher here on this godforsaken planet we are on?

MARK: Steve, your delusional. Yes I have the repellant, but how the heck can I get it out of my backpack when my arms are strapped to this pole???

ROBIN: Paige, that jumpsuit you have on is fireproof!

PAIGE: huh?

ROBIN: Yes. It is. Before I got sucked into this first mates I was a stunt double for Angelina, in the Croft series. So, Paige, all you have to do is jump down, and somehow climb up on Mark, get into his backpack and retrieve the repellant. Paige? Did you hear me?

PAIGE: Ummm, yeah, I was just thinking, ‘why the hell did I borrow this jumpsuit in the first place.

ROBIN: Well...what are you waiting for, Paige?

PAIGE: Ok, if YOU are the one who was the stunt double, why don't YOU do it, Robin? [glaring at Robin]

MARK: I don't fricken care WHO was a stunt double...someone get my damned backpack off!!

STEVE: C'mon Paige hon, I know we've had our differences in the past, but do this for the team, OK? [stares at Paige with puppy-dog eyes, pleading]

[Paige wriggles out of the ropes and climbs down onto Mark's back, just before a Blueman comes down into the dungeon to see how his prisoners are doing]

PAIGE: Mark, I got it! I'm gonna throw it over there behind that box...I think I hear one of them coming! [quickly whispers as she climbs back up to the poll in order to look like she's still tied there]

BLUEMAN: How are my little earthlings doing? I thought you could use something to eat [shows them all a plate of food which looks like something a cat threw up!] This is our delicacy here, and you must eat it in order to survive!]

ROBIN: I think I'm going to be sick [makes Jim Carrey-like movements with her mouth and throat in response to the sickening sight]

STEVE: Lord...this is going to be a looonngg night!

[There is a flash of lightneing and a loud clap of thunder...]

BLUEMEN: Yaaayyyyy! It worked.

STEVE: Huh?

ROBIN: I felt a drop of rain!

MARK: I can't believe these guys know how to make rain. Steve! If we can learn their secret we'll make a fortune with it back on earth!

STEVE: We are their secret!

PAIGE: Come again?

STEVE: Hanging us on poles over fire made it rain as far as they are concerned.

BLUEMEN: Yes! Old time ritual never fail. Always work. Make rain. Sometimes even hail and sleet, but tonight - just rain.

Mark

(rain starts fairly steadily falling)

ROBIN: Steve, get the bowls?

STEVE: Sure Robin, swing on over there, where we found Marks cloths, and get the bowls of poison, while you're still tied up.

ROBIN: (looking at blueman)HEY! Get me down.

BLUEMAN: OK

PAIGE:(looking at blueman) Can I get off too?

BLUEMAN: Don't let me stop you.

STEVE: Mark, how much water do we need lab-boy?

PAIGE: (swings off of ropes, kicks Blue in head - knocks him out) In yer dreams hoser!

ROBIN: Mark, hold still I almost have it...

MARK: It just feels like when it comes through it's going to OOOOOOOWWWWUCH!!! dammit Robin. Ooooooowwww.

ROBIN: OMG!! Mark, I'm so sorry, OGM Your bleeding pretty Bad

(blood starts disolving ropes)

BLUE: (startled look) E A R T H L I N G
(drops to knees)
The teldings.......YOU are the teldings

STEVE: Mark, lok at the ropes.

MARK: PAIGE, crap CRAP!! you got ANYthing to close this up with?

ROBIN: (holding clot of clothing over bleeding wound) Mark, im so sorry, I was just rushing to get you off.

MARK: *bursts out laughing* Cripes the ONE time I want YOU to slow down....ouchie, freakin CRAP!

STEVE: Paige, would you mind terribly assisting my descent?

PAIGE: Oh STEVE, Im sorry *runs to Steve*

MARK: PAIGE! hurry up, Im dying here....REALLY!

ROBIN: Alright I feel bad and all, but its not a big deal here, unless we don't...oh - ahem, forget it. So , yeah the wound is only into the muscles, no organs or arteries there Marky.

STEVE: Robin.....what were you going to say

PAIGE: (now wanting Steve to continue along those lines of questioning) *kisses Steve*

(Steve's toes curl up)

MARK: hrmph

ROBIN: I think we are going to have to stitch this, Mark.
PAIGE!!! oh PAAAAAAIGGGEE.

PAIGE: (breaking away from kiss) Yes love?

ROBIN: We have to stitch this, right now. I'll get the poison ready, and the spear tips dipped while you do it.

STEVE: Hi. Hey. Ok. yeah, spears. Uh huh.

MARK: Good, good, just stop the bleeding here!

PAIGE: (whispering into Marks ear)
I really need to tell you something, Mark.

(Paige quickly threads a needle)
MARK: (whispering) What Paige, what do you have to tell me?

PAIGE: (sticking the needle into the wound and whispers) This is gonna hu

MARK: Holy mother of …Paige, could you try and be gentle? (Mark grimaces in pain.)

ROBIN: Oh Mark. God, I feel so horrible. (walks up to Mark, runs her fingers through his hair.) Look at me!

MARK: Oh god. She’s sticking me Robin. It hurts.

ROBIN: I know, but look at me. (Mark looks into Robin’s eyes.) Take a deep breath.

(Mark does what he is told.)

PAIGE: There. All done.

STEVE: Guys, this poison! Come lool!

(They rush over to peer into the bowls. Neon orange effervescent fluid was oozing out over the sides of the bowl.)

STEVE: Mark? Is it supposed to do that?

MARK: How would I know? ...Oh. You mean because I'm the science officer.

STEVE: Well, duh. I'm the captain. I fly the ship. You're the guy that knows how things work.

MARK: Then what's Robin's job?

STEVE: She's the first mate. When we feel the need to mate, we go to her first.

ROBIN: (being sarcastic) Ha. Ha. Ha.

PAIGE: Hey, what about me?

STEVE: You're the nurse.

PAIGE: I know that! I mean about the mating thing. Why do I have to always be second?

STEVE: You're not second, you're alternate. When Robin is tired or busy, then it's your turn.

PAIGE: That doesn't sound any better. You're still regarding me as second best - not as good as Robin.

MARK: Maybe he's trying to get a cat fight going.

PAIGE: It isn't Robin I want to fight with, it's dumbo Steve and his stupid first mate ideas.

STEVE: Bring it on, sister.

[Paige suddenly sucker punches Steve. She moves so fast it's a blur. Steve crumples to the ground.]

MARK: Wow! Where did you learn to do that?

PAIGE: Just part of nurse's training. *blows on her fist like it was a smoking pistol*

ROBIN: [nudging Steve's unconscious body with her toe] The captain is gonna be pissed when he wakes up.

PAIGE: You heard him. He said, "Bring it on."

MARK: Let's have sex.

PAIGE and ROBIN: [shocked] What!?

MARK: Violence stimulates me.

ROBIN: Everything stimulates you.

MARK: Are you complaining?

ROBIN: [grinning] Not really.

PAIGE: Poor Steve. He IS going to be pissed, isn't he?

MARK: Not if you hit him hard enough.

PAIGE: What do you mean?

MARK: You know... head injury... you forget the last few minutes before the injury?

PAIGE: [thoughtful] Yeah... [she picks up a rock and conks Steve on the head] ...There! That should do it.

ROBIN: (looks at Mark) Remind me never to piss Paige off.

PAIGE: He’ll live. I’m a nurse remember? Plus, he’ll want me to take care of him when he wakes up. It’s all part of the game.

(Robin gives Paige a sly smile.)

MARK: You mean all the F/U posts back home were based on true events?

ROBIN: (slaps Mark’s arm) Get your mind out of the gutter Mark. Really! Paige was just joking. (looks at Paige) weren’t you sweetie?

PAIGE: Kinda sorta. Joking. (bends down to rub Steve’s head) It’s never taken this long for him to come out of it before.

(Robin grabs a bowl that has been collecting rain water, stoops down and pours some over Steve’s eyes.)

STEVE: (blinking) Whaaaa? (lifts head up) Paige. Help me. It feels like I’ve been conked in the head with a rock.

ROBIN: Guys, we still have a problem. Is this poison supposed to be growing? Look! It’s all over the place now.

(Everyone scans their surroundings. Large clumps of orange goop are everywhere.)

[Paige bends down looking at Steve with mock concern in her eyes]
PAIGE: Oh Steve...I don't know WHAT happened! I think that goop made itself into a fist and punched you out! It is amazing stuff!

ROBIN: [whispering to Paige]Why are you saying this Paige? You're the one...
PAIGE: [interrupting her friend] Ah, Robin...lets help Steve up here and get out of this goopy area!

[the four crew members slowly back away from the growing orange goop and try to find their space vehicle as they back up]
STEVE: Oooh, my head still hurts! [rubs his head and trips on a small orange piece of goop]

MARK: Hey, Steve! Look out...you've got some on your spaceboots!

[Steve looks down and tries to shake off the goop, with no luck...it stays like superglue]

ROBIN: Oh...Gawd! It's eating his boot...DO SOMETHING!!

MARK: Yeah, I'm getting outta here!![Mark hightails it towards the space vehicle now a few feet away from him]

ROBIN/PAIGE: MARK! Wait for US!

STEVE: Heyyy, guys....what about me?? [orange goop still eating his boot, poor Steve is left to try to get rid of the horrid goop by himself]

MARK: [surprised when "space vehicle" vanishes] Hey! Where did it go?

STEVE: Geeze! Don't you guys remember that the spaceship blew up! [takes off boots]

PAIGE: It did?

STEVE: Yeah... the autodestruct system malfunctioned?

[Robin, Paige, and Mark look at each other with puzzled faces]

PAIGE: Are you making that up, Captain?

STEVE: Holy Space Monkeys! Don't you guys ever read the Captain's Log?

MARK: [raised eyebrows] Captain's Log?

STEVE: [brushing back hair like a Valley Girl] Yeeeessss! You know everything we do is automatically recorded in the log!

[Robin looks at Mark and blushes. Mark grins and wiggles his eyebrows. Paige puts hand over her mouth.]

PAIGE: Uh oh! Can I ask you a favor, Captain?

STEVE: Sure.

PAIGE: Don't read the log for today.

STEVE: You mean the part about you conking me in the head with a rock?

PAIGE: Um... yes...that part... Don't read it. [Paige backs up slowly]

STEVE: Don't worry. I've been doing some thinking about this planet and I've figured out something.

PAIGE: [still cautious] Oh?

STEVE: Somehow this planet takes our unconscious thoughts and amplifies them and turns them into reality, or at least I think it's reality. I suppose it could be a very realistic illusion.

[Robin and Paige and Mark look at each other with raised eyebrows]

ROBIN: Maybe you should sit down and rest for awhile, Steve. You just had a blow to the head. Possible brain injury, you know? [looks meaningfully at Mark with raised eyebrows]

STEVE: Geeze! What is it with you guys and your eyebrows?

MARK, ROBIN, PAIGE: [with raised eyebrows] Huh!? What do you mean?

MARK: Steve, I’m sorry dude, but I’ve gotta disagree with you. If this planet turned our unconscious thoughts into reality, then Robin would be naked begging for me too—OUCH Robin, stop hitting me.

ROBIN: Get your mind out of the gutter Mark, your good buddy Steve is injured, and delusional on top of that.

PAIGE: Yeah, Mark, Steve, FYI, we all KNEW the spaceship exploded. We were testing your mental sharpness after the blow to the head.

STEVE: That you administered.

PAIGE: (big evil grin) You love my violence Stevie. (brushes fingers through his hair.)

STEVE: Ouch, stop. You’re hurting me Paige. Now Someone please help me w/ my boots.

(Paige rushes over and grabs Steve’s leg, trying to get his boot off before the orange goop eats through his skin.

MARK: We’ve got to collect this stuff, then somehow trick those monsters into eating it before they devour us. Once inside the innards of a GREED is enough for me.

Mark

MARK: OK, we really should tell him shouldn't we?
Paige, Robin? I'm going to tell him.

PAIGE: Mark, we've talked about this, now is not a good time.

ROBIN: Yeah, Paige is right Mark. You want me being in charge?

STEVE: LOOK! Its the 3 horned purple ducks again! Quick take cover!

MARK: Steve, man - we have got to talk here pal.

STEVE: *dives and knocks Paige to the ground* Paige! cover up.

ROBIN: OK Mark, it is time, I guess.

STEVE: Mark, what are you talking about, and DUCK! watch out, you almost got run over!
(panicked look in eye, shaking hands)

MARK: Steve, there has been a little trick played on you. First off, the ship is fine. There was no auto-destruct sequence. These creatures were killing are bushes that you are imagining to be moving. Steve, would we really land on a strange planet and start killing things?
We know what planet this is Steve, it's Todes7.
You remember Todes7 Steve?

STEVE: But the ship blew up! And the creatures grew!

ROBIN: Steve, DO you remember about Todes7?

PAIGE: It's "Planet Trippy" Steve. Remember from the brochure? Hunny, remember we talked about it?

MARK: Steve, this is just a halucination, we have all been playing along with your trip man, but it's turning out to be a "bad trip". We've all been innoculated. YOu are the only one onder the halucination gasses in the atmosphere.

STEVE: But, so, but - WAIT a minute! You're making this up to explain away Paige hitting me with a rock!

MARK: NO! Steve, Paige gave you an injection, and you had a bad reaction to it.

ROBIN: Steve, do you really think anyone would put us 4 on a mission to some distant planet?

PAIGE: Hunny, you know I'm not a nurse. And the see through blouse, as part of my UNIFORM?

STEVE: *giggling* heheh, wow this is really freaky.
So NONE of this is real?

MARK: Some of it Steve, but not in the way you remember it. Is your head really hurting?

STEVE: Yeah, the ducks are gone? What the heck!

PAIGE: The shot is finally kicking in, Steve, the halucinations are beginning to stop.

ROBIN: Notice your desintegration gun? That it is a "Water Blaster" toy?

MARK: Paige , Robin - you better fill him in. I'm going to grab us some lunch. I'll be back in a few minutes. Hey, anyone want watermellon for desert?

[Paige takes Steve by the hand and leads him to a soft spot to sit down]
PAIGE: Steve, darlin...I didn't realize it would get this...out of control! I hope you forgive me? [bends to give him a peck on the cheek]

STEVE:Gawd...I feel like I've been 'punked' or something!

PAIGE: No Steve...no sign of Ashton around here (thank God!)[laughs with Steve]

[meanwhile Robin and Mark are devising a way to get out of the hallucination without upsetting the continuum of space (whatever that means!)]

ROBIN: Do you think we can all get out of this unreal reality and not have any repercussions, Mark?

MARK: Who knows, Sweetie...I just want to go back so I can have a cigarette, Man I miss my Marlboroughs!

ROBIN: Oh Mark! I thought you were gonna quit after this adventure...we talked about it!

MARK: I'll quit when I'm good and ready Robin! I don't see you quitting drinking Tequila any time soon!

[Robin gives Mark a pained look and walks angrily away toward Paige and Steve]

STEVE: But wait! You do agree that we are somewhere that we do NOT want to be and are trying to get back to somewhere else that we DO want to be?

MARK: Sure, Steve. It's just that you are hallucinating a different place from where we really are.

STEVE: But how do you know it's ME hallucinating? Why couldn't it be YOU hallucinating?

MARK: Me? But Steve. I know my own mind and it's clear as a bell.

STEVE: But don't you see, Mark? I feel the same way. It's quite possible that ALL of us are hallucinating and NONE of us has any freakin idea where we are or why we are there or even if we are really who we think we are!

PAIGE: Calm down, Steve. Here... drink some of this.

STEVE: [knocking lizard out of Paige's hand] I'm not "drinking" that! You all have GOT to see what I am saying, because otherwise we may get ourselves killed walking off a cliff or something while we are hallucinating.

ROBIN: Steve, you didn't have to knock the orange juice out of Paige's hand.

PAIGE: It was a can of Moosehead Ale.

MARK: I thought it was a coke.

[Mark, Paige, and Robin stare wide-eyed at each other]

ROBIN: Omigod! Could all of us be hallucinating? Couls Steve be right?

[All three shake their heads and say "Naaaaa..."]

MARK: Steve, be sensible. What's more likely: that ONE of us is sick in the head... or that ALL of us are crazy? Come on, what are the odds?

STEVE: (sighing) We're doomed...

Mark

STEVE: YOu have GOT to look at the facts, and the evidence. Not what you percieve, but what can be verified by fact outside of ourselves.
LOOK! There is no ship left...SEE? *points to large crater where ship used to be*

ROBIN& PAIGE SPEAKING IN UNISON~~
PAIGE: Well, of course it's not there Steve, that is the dried up lake we looked at yesterday.

ROBIN: DUH! Thats the old granite quarry!

MARK: OH NO! I was just thinking it was a former launch site...Steve, we're in trouble here, Man.

STEVE: THANK YOU! Robin, Paige - so you understand what is happening here?

ROBIN: Apparently, as usual you thinnk I'M STUPID.

PAIGE: ROBIN! He does not, right Steve? We are all suffering some delusional perceptions. Our minds are filling in the blanks and misunderstood reality with memories we've had elsewhere.

MARK: I must be imagining things, because Steve is making sense. *throws a pankace at Steve*

STEVE: Paige, I hadn't realized we were filling in the blanks. That helps. We have to concentrate on anything we recognize and assume it isn't real.

ROBIN: OK, Steve didn't just say that - cause he isnt real.

MARK: Well, I think what the captian meant was that
objects we don't know -don't understand- or are incapable of understanding the reality of, will be substituted with something our brains understand.
Like thinking we were on a water slide, when we were in the intestinal trac of a giant alien being.

STEVE: Robin.......Scan the landscape and find the nearest tree then tell only Mark where it is.
Paige, youscan the landscape and find the statue i saw earlier.

(robin and paige look around, then whisper into Marks ear)

STEVE: Mark, what did they have you look at?

MARK: That is so weird!

STEVE: What do YOU see Mark?

MARK: I'm looking at a statue of a tree....

PAIGE: It was a statue of Paul Revere...oh NO - STEVE THAT WAS THE STATUE WHERE YOU AND I ...oh NO!

ROBIN: It can't be a statue, I see the branches and leaves moving.

STEVE: There are no trees on this planet, and we know statuary is inhearently Human, right?
Mark, you saw what your mind told you to interpret the object as. It shows you believe Robin and Paige.

I was looking at a Floomdaggle. I read about them in the mission advance, and saw an artists rendering of one. I knew it was there, but you 3 have no idea what they are.

PAIGE: We need to find a way to cross verify what we are seeing. It hasn't affected our hearing, or taste or touch.

MARK: Blind fold me. I have fantastic hearing and a bloodhound like sense of smell.

STEVE: Mark, you sure?

MARK: YEAH! This is perfect, Robin can guide me, and she is the fastest and best shot, so she can protect me, I trust her completely.

PAIGE: I have a better idea. Come here *diggs in her medical bag*

MARK: What?

PAIGE: I can repress the signals emitted from your visual cortex. You'll actually increase your senses elsewhere in short order.

MARK: WHOA! Whoa whoa....A blindfold is one thing, blinding me is another.

STEVE: You can remove a blindflod anytime, Paige - how fast can the block be reveresd?

PAIGE: about an hour

ROBIN: HOw much will his other senses be enhanced?

MARK: IM NOT DOING THIS!!

PAIGE: He would be super-human level in 24 hours, maybe less if he rests and stays calm.

STEVE: Mark, I think we might have to try this.

MARK: 24 hours to get back my sight? Man, this is really weird, but since I cannot trust what I see anyway, and It will help us, ok. Lets do it. Robin
can I see you over here behind this - whatever it is - for just a second first?

ROBIN: ah, sure - ok. *walks with Mark behind large thing*

MARK: (whispering) Hey, if I don't get my sight back, I don't want to last thing I see to be Paige's elbow and a medical device, can you help me out. If im blind for the rest of my life, let me atleast be looking at you.

ROBIN: Mark! *moves closer and kisses Mark* that is so sweet Mark. Yes I will do that for you.

MARK: Naked?

ROBIN: Only if Steve isn't there. Paige has seen me naked plenty of times.

MARK: *stupid grin on face* Thanks hun.

*Mark and Robin walk back to Steve and Paige*

ROBIN: Steve, you're going to have to wait behind that thing while Paige does this. Ok? Don't ask, just let us do this without you nearby ok?

STEVE: *looks at Mark* YEAH?

MARK: *nods to Steve* Yeah...please.

[Steve walks behind what he believes to be a large rock, but in actuality is a floomdaggle]

ROBIN: Ok, my clothes are off now...you can repress his visual thingy, Paige.

[Paige points the Visual-Cortex-B-gon in the middle of Mark's forehead and chants a weird incantation "Visuala Washington, Visual vision soon Be Gon!" Robin looks puzzled at her friend's actions and even Steve peeks from behind the floomdaggle/rock to see what on earth is going on.]

MARK: My God! I'm blind! [he flails his arms in front of him, not able to see, accidentally grabbing at Robin's erm...front headlights]

ROBIN: Mark! Those are my headlights, you animal! [giggles like a schoolgirl]

STEVE:[yelling] can I come out now?

ROBIN: NO! Wait a minute, my thong is backwards, Steve! [realizing she shouldn't have said these words as Steve leaned over further to catch a glimpse]

PAIGE: STEVE! What IS your problem? Can't you see Mark is blind...don't you have any decency at all?

STEVE: not when it comes to backwards thongs, Paige honey [laughs nervously]

[The three crewmates help Mark walk over towards some skunk cabbage, or what looks to be, to see if he can decifer the same smell as the others]

ROBIN: So, what do you smell MArk? Does it smell good or bad?

ROBIN: (still struggling to get her clothes back on.) Crap! Why do I always get myself talked into these things? Well? Mark? Is the smell good or bad?

MARK: (still wearing a stupid big grin.) huh? (Robin hits Mark.) Ouch! Who hit me?

ROBIN: Answer the question Mark. About the smell. Good or bad?

MARK: Good. Like peaches.

PAIGE: It looks like skunk cabbage to me.

ROBIN: Paige, I thought skunk cabbage grew near water. I don’t see ANY water around here.

PAIGE: Let’s try something else.

(the group moves slowly over the blue dusty ground. Robin holding tightly to Mark’s arm)

MARK: I could get used to this. (moves his hand downwards)

ROBIN: Listen buster, keep your hands to yourself. We’re on a mission here. And I’ve already doled out my contribution.

STEVE: (rushes ahead of the others.) I know what this is. I saw a picture of it in the manual. If Mark can identify this smell, at least we’ll know what’s going on.

MARK: (leans over and inhales deeply) It smells like…um…a…mixture…of, let’s see. What does it smell like?

(three slaps and everyone says) MAAARRRK!

MARK: Okay, okay, it smells like a mixture of jet fuel and peaches.

PAIGE: what?

STEVE: That’s correct. So now the solution is crystal clear.

ROBIN: Really Steve? Cuz I’m more baffled than ever.

STEVE: Paige needs to administer the blinding medicine, and then we will all be able to know what’s real and what’s not.

ROBIN: No way Steve! I’ve already lost my clothes – granted it was only for a minute – but I am NOT. I repeat NOT loosing my eyesight for the mission. Paige? Are you with me?

PAIGE: I'm always with you. We girls have to stick together.

STEVE: I think if we just close our eyes every now and then it might help.

MARK: Then why did you let her blind me?!

PAIGE: Calm down. It will wear off eventually.

ROBIN: Speaking of closing our eyes, are we ever going to sleep?

STEVE: We've all been unconscious at least once.

ROBIN: That's not the same as a good solid night's sleep. (stretches and yawns)

STEVE: Does anybody else feel sleepy?

MARK: I might as well be sleeping since I can't see anything anyway.

STEVE: Paige?

PAIGE: (yawning) Yes, I am a little sleepy, but...

STEVE: But what?

PAIGE: Is this funny planet playing a trick on us again, Steve? (yawns, eyes droop) I wasn't sleepy a few minutes ago.

STEVE: (jerks awake) Huh? What did you say?

PAIGE: zzzzzz...

STEVE: zzzzzz...

MARK: zzzzzz...

ROBIN: Mark! Wake up!

MARK: I smell strawberries... zzzzzzz

ROBIN: (slumping to the ground) zzzzzz...

[Meanwhile, high on the ramparts of an ancient crumbling castle, an old witch stares into her crystal ball and murmurs, "Sleep, my pretties!"... No, just kidding. That's another story, but it happens to be the dream that all four explorers are dreaming as they sleep.]

THE DREAM

Steve...........Dorothy..............wants to go home
Robin...........Tin Man.............wants a heart
Paige...........ScareCrow...........wants a brain
Mark............Lion................wants courage

STEVE: Huh! How did I become a girl? Toto! Stop barking, it's only our friends, Robin the Tin Man, Paige the Scarecrow, and Mark the Cowardly Lion.

MARK: I want some courage, Steve.

PAIGE: And I want a brain. Yeah, that's what I want - a brain. Huh?

ROBIN: Steve, if I only had a heart, maybe I could tolerate Mark's sexual advances a little better.

STEVE: Mark's just doing what comes naturally for a lion.

MARK: Don't hit me again, Robin! Please!

ROBIN: Oh, get some courage, why don't you?

MARK: It's just you're so pretty, Robin. I can't resist- (reaches out to touch Robin, she slaps his hand)

ROBIN: Get away from me, you big ugly cat!

PAIGE: Geeze, Robin, have a heart.

ROBIN: I don't HAVE a heart, dimwit! That's why we're going to Emerald City, you big dope.

STEVE: Hey! Quit insulting Paige. She can't help it if she doesn't have a brain.

PAIGE: That's okay, Steve. Life is like a box of chocolates.

STEVE: ???

Mark

OUTSIDE OF DREAM}

[nibble nibble, munch]
[slurp, lick, slurp....nibble munch]

IN DREAM

DOROTHY: MY RUBY SLIPPERS!! What is happening to my slippers?

TINMAN: Dorothy, oooooo I don't like this ONE BIT!
Where are your Ruby Slippers?

C/L: Hide m m m meeeeee....

Scarecrow: Toto? where did you come from? I thought you got left out of the dream!

DOROTHY: TOTO!! Oh, I MISSED you Toto. Toto?
TO - TO !!! Why are you eating my Ruby Slippers?

Toto: (nibble munch)

C/L: Rarwwww hiss shoo ya big DOGGIE (swipes air with paw)

Tinman: I always knew you were a mangey mutt (kicks Toto with tinbooted foot)

TOTO: YELP (skampers away)

DOROTHY: My Ruby Slippers! not my ruby slip.....zzzzz

TINMAN: (yawning) this field of flowers sure is a great place to have a (yawning) little snooze...zzzz

C/L: I'm t t t to scaaaaaared to sss s slleeeep, and these floweres make (a CHOOOO) me sneeze. I'm going to go sit under that funny tree.

SCARECROW: quiet (yaaaawn) down, I'm trying to ....zzzzzz

OUTSIDE OF DREAM

Steve, Paige and Robin, lay back down on the soft ground. As they settle there a minute, the white ooze starts to seep up from the soil.

Mark has left the patch of odd soil, and is leaning against the one shed the crew had erected prior to Robin feeding the Stow-Boys to that creature, thus saving Steve. Mark thinks he is leaning against a tree in the dream.

Steve is missing most of his 2 shoes.

A Weird muscular pit-bull looking creature scampers into the hills. A small pack of short blue "men" chase it with spears raised over their heads.

PAIGE: does anybody feel like we're not in Kansas anymore? [yawning, awakened from sleep]

ROBIN: Oh My God! Did you all have the same dream too? This is TOO bizarre!

MARK: I'm feeling a little light-headed, but full of a new sense of courage....rrawrrrrr! [looks puzzled at his own behaviour]

STEVE: well, I for one wish my boots were back to normal so I can click them together....hmmmm, I wonder why I said that?

[everyone ponders their thoughts for a moment, and all one hears is crickets (alien, mind you) chirping for a few minutes.]

ROBIN: I'm soo hungry! Anyone want to try to kill one of those pitbull thingys and have a BBQ? I've got some packs of sauce in my uniform I brought from home. [Robin starts to drool]

PAIGE: I've got this dagger from before still...we could see if the creature can get closer and spear it. I could go for a nice old fashioned BBQ!

[Steve and Mark try and shout at the pitbull creature and coax it over towards them just as the bluemen give up and look for something else to hunt.]

MARK: It's coming! Everyone get your spears or daggers ready!

[everyone waits behind some of the taller grass until the creature gets within a few feet and they all throw their weapons almost in unison]

ROBIN: We got it! We got it! Steve, crank up the barby [laughs maniacly from hunger]

PAIGE: Holy Crap! I think that's actually a real dog! It looks just like a dog that lives in my neighbourhood in Queens! [everyone realizes just what they've done and the girls start to sob]

STEVE: (claps his hands) Scratch and sniff girls! That’s not a real dog. It just looks like that Wishbone dog from that Wishbone series. You know, the one on PBS?

ROBIN: That’s not wishbone! It’s Eddie from Frazier!

MARK: (smack Robin, winces and ducks) It’ Wilbur!

(Paige and Robin cry harder, both say) Charlottes Web! We killed Wilbur.

STEVE: Don’t you get it? It’s not Wishbone. It’s not Eddie, It’s NOT Wilbur! Scratch and Sniff – close your eyes, what does it smell like.

(everyone closes eyes and deeply inhales)

ROBIN: T-bone! Not Wishbone. Medium rare.

PAIGE: hamburgers. Grilled

STEVE: Prime Rib, rare.

Mark: beef tips over rice.

EVERONE: AAAAAHHHH

STEVE: Robin? I hope you grabbed the lighter fluid from the ship before it blew up.

ROBIN: “Dough!”

[The fire crackles nicely as the four intrepid explorers barbecue their kill, an alien creature that is hopefully good to eat. It sure smells good to eat as its fat dribbles into the fire and flares up in little smokey flames that fill the air with the smell of roasting meat.]

STEVE: We need some fixin's, some "sides"...

ROBIN: Just meat is fine with me.

PAIGE: Yeah, but our nutrition would be better if we could have some veggies with it.

MARK: (looking around) I don't see any veggies.

STEVE: Where there's animals, there has to be plants.

MARK: That's not true, Steve. What about Antartica back on Earth?

STEVE: No plants?

MARK: Not on ice. The penguins eat fish. The fish eat smaller fish.

STEVE: But the smallest fish eat microscopic plants...

MARK: How's that gonna help us?

[A blue man walks up]

BLUEMAN: Did someone say "veggies"?

STEVE: You have some?

BLUEMAN: Sure. I'll send someone over with a nice selection to accompany your meal. And perhaps you could share a leg of Mutto with me?

STEVE: Is that what this creature is called? A Mutto?

MARK: These blue guys always seem to show up right when they're most needed.

STEVE: Yeah, I hope I didn't hallucinate him. I don't feel like munching down on imaginary vegetables. That's got to be disappointing.

MARK: I had imaginary sex last night.

STEVE: Was it disappointing?

MARK: No, not at all, but it's no big deal. I had a lot of imaginary sex on Earth, too.

STEVE: Sometimes you share too much.

ROBIN: (has been staring raptly at roasting meat) Hey! Is this bad boy done yet? I'm starving!

Mark

ROBIN: (licking her lips) It wasn't all imaginary Mark.

STEVE: Oh, and being with another person means it isn't imaginary?

PAIGE: Whats THAT supposed to mean Steve?

MARK: Over there....straight ahead of Steve, beyone the fire about 30' Berries, and Robin to your left, near the base of a tree-thingy, some flowering plants, get those stems and leaves.

STEVE: Hey, our savior - what do you smell Mark?

MARK: Well, the plants with flowers are acrid, smells like when you break spinich leaves, and the berries, I can almost smell the juice in them ripening. Like lemons, but more the size of blackberies. I heard something swoop in and eat a few and fly away. I wonder why we havent sen any of these flying creatures. Bats or something? Owl-lie birds?

STEVE: Ok, lets gather the feast

BLUEMAN: We have everything already

ROBIN: Where the f*&k do you keep COMING from?

MARK: yeah? YOu did NOT just walk here, whats going on? I would have heard you.

PAIGE: Help me get this thing of the fire, I dont want it to burn. STeeeeEEEvee, grab that side!

ROBIN: (wiping a smudge on bluemans cheek)Hey, why is the blue color smearing on your skin?

MARK: He also has the reek of coffee and tobacco on him.

[the group closes around the blueman, anger is mustering from deep *rustling* - in the tall grass outside the firering]

MARK: we have company

[About a dozen 'Bluemen' were looking at the group and they had brought things with them...things they would use to play while the group ate their feast]

[Music plays while Bluemen Group pound on their sparkling drums, coloured paint flying everywhere]

ROBIN: WOW! This is intense! I love this!

PAIGE: Woohoo...it's sure turning into a happenin' party alright! [pulls Steve up to dance]

STEVE: [mumbling]Paige...no! I've got Mutto in my mouth!

MARK: Me too, Robin, leave me alone...I can't dance anyway![Robin lets go of Marks hand and turns to Paige]

ROBIN: May I?

PAIGE: Why, I'd be delighted! [the girls mockingly address each other to have a dance]

MARK: Hey, this is better than going to a strip club any day, hehe!

STEVE: Sure is...I just hope this paint comes off! We don't camoflauge into the surroundings anymore [looks at clothes with splotches of glitter and paint all over them]

[The group finally finishes their meal and everyone plops down around the spread, full and satisfied]

ROBIN: Should we thank the Bluemen? I mean they DID bring veggies and entertain us after all.

PAIGE: Of course, we should invite them back for a breakfast souree! [laughs and yawns lying back down to catch a much needed nap. The others follow suit]

(scenes of the crew adjusting to life on the blue dust planet. The girls sew together pieces of dried animal skin to make tents and the guys have figured out how to make – and no one dares asks with what – a soccer ball. They teach the bluemen how to play.)

ROBIN: Paige, ya ever notice that blue woman – the one with the dark blue small mole on her left arm?

(Paige looks at Robin ) Yeah…?

ROBIN: well, I think she likes Steve.

PAIGE: That’s funny, cuz I though she liked Mark.

ROBIN: What? Are you crazy? No way! What makes you say that?

PAIGE: The way she looks at him when you aren’t around.

ROBIN: Well she looks at Steve the same way…when you aren’t around.

PAIGE: What are we gonna do? Anything?

ROBIN: I don’t know. I’ve been thinking…We have been ignoring the guys lately, letting them play soccer all the time. And then, when they are around, we just hit them, with rocks and stuff ya know?

PAIGE: so? They love it.

ROBIN: Yeah, I know, it’s just. that…(Robin’s voice trails off.)

PAIGE: ‘Just that’ what? What Robin? Are you talking about?

ROBIN: Well….promise not to tell Mark?

PAIGE: Yes! Not, spit it out.

ROBIN: Not just Mark, Mark or Steve. Promise not to tell Mark or Steve?

(Mark and Steve walk up.)

MARK: Not tell Mark and Steve what?

(Mark and Steve look at each other, then at the girls.)

ROBIN: (with a sly look) Oh,something...

PAIGE: *giggles*

STEVE: Come on, Mark. Let's get back to our game so the girls can talk about their secrets.

Mark

MARK: No, I think maybe we should let the ladies tell us their secret.

PAIGE: No one said we had a secret, i don't even know what she was going to say!

STEVE: Come ON Mark, we don't want to get into a secret swapping event do we? [laughs nervously]
We'd be bored to tears, right?

ROBIN: Hmmm, I think I smell a rat. No I wnat to know what you guys are hiding. As second in command, there should be no secrets kept from me.

PAIGE: Why does everyone have secrets? I don't have any secrets!

MARK: Hey, Paige wan't to know a secret?

PAIGE: Shut UP Mark!

ROBIN: Well, i'm not going to drop it now, Steve, if you have something to tell us, we should know.
We are all in this together.

MARK: I dunno.....

STEVE: No, Mark - she's right. I've kept this inside long enough. But Robin you first, then I will tell you all what I have been keeping secret.

ROBIN: Well, alright Steve. My secret is simple, and really no secret. Mark wanted me to not tell you all because he said it would "upset the dynamic", but he and I have been sleeping together.

MARK: Thats NOT what I said, I never cared if you said anything, i just didn't want to make a big thing of it, but now you have anyway.

ROBIN: [sticks tongue out at Mark] Well, everyone should know. So there it is. I really don't think it is a big deal, since Steve and Paige are doing it too.

PAIGE: Not anymore Robin. Steve said we "had to stop" for some secret medical reason he wouldn't tell me.

MARK: here we go...

STEVE: It's ok....It shouldn't be a big deal, but being stuck here is a bad thing for ....the experiment. We REALLY need to find a way off of this planet, otherwise - I could perish, along with the experiment.

MARK: [looking at Stevve's belly]Steve, we've hardly eaten anything since we've been here, how come you look like you are putting on weight?

STEVE: [burning a laser glare into Mark] Thanks Mark, I was trying to avoid this part. Now I guess I will just come out and say it.

I'm Pregnant

happy Mark? yeah, I know - how the heck am I pregnant? Well, it started on the CRERE project
(Catastrophic Remote Earthling Regeneration Experiment) They formulated a way to make human femal eggs a dormant cyst. It can be activated by a number of things manually, which of course i would NEVER do, but it is also activated when a commander is seperated from his ship and fails to deactivate the initiation sequence. All I would have had to do is have sex with a woman to turn it off, but we were busy, and I didn't get around to it. That is why women are sent on every distant mission now.

ROBIN: Well, I wouldn't have "shut it off" for you!

PAIGE: OMG! I'm going to be a mother?

STEVE: Well, the experiments weren't with human
eggs. So , we really are going to have a problem if we don't get off this planet.

MARK: Oh yeah! Major problem.

ROBIN: So what is it?

PAIGE: On, NO - Steve tell me it isn't!

STEVE: [pursing lips, turns to Paige] Ok, it isn't.

[the three shipmates look at eachother with incredulous expressions, then look again at the bloated Steve]

PAIGE: Steve...is it part Clingon? or Ferenge? or WHAT??

STEVE: God, Paige...we're not in a Star Trek episode and I don't see a british bald commander anywhere, do you? It's part....Blueman.

MARK: Holy Crap! You're kidding right? This is all too freaky, Steve!

ROBIN: [giggles in spite of the situation] O-MiGod, you mean your gonna have your own little Blueman Group? hahaha!

STEVE: [tears start falling down his face] Robin...you're totally insensitve! How can you make jokes at a time like this? [sobs inconsolably]

PAIGE: Robin....shut up! It's partly MY baby too...even if it doesn't have my eggs, I feel like I'm a part of this! [kneels down to console Steve, as he rubs his swollen belly]

ROBIN: Gawd...everyone is SO overdramatic, it makes me sick! [she storms away to look for some firewood] C'mon Mark...lets leave the two 'girls' alone while we make a fire.

[Mark and Robin leave to collect firewood and Paige and Steve sit and discuss 'baby' things together, until they both fall asleep]

(Several days later, Paige and Robin are out waking)

PAIGE: Is it just me? or does Steve skin look blue to you?

ROBIN: Now that you mention it...I'd have to say yes. (Looks at the skin on her arms) Paige, what about my skin? (Looks closely at Paige's skin) and your skin...? Oh my God!

PAIGE: I think I remember reading in the manual, overexposure to their sun...turns your skin blue!

ROBIN: What are we gonna do? Is there an antidote?

PAIGE: Well...yes...but...I don't think any of us will like it.

ROBIN: Whatever! Like we would rather have blue skin!

PAIGE: Let's go back to the tent, so I can re-read, and be sure, before I tell you the horrible news.

(Mark walks up)

MARK: What horrible news?

[Steve is sitting on a rock, knitting baby booties and humming "Pop Goes The Weasel". Whenever the word "Pop!" turns up in the song, he chuckles.]

ROBIN: Mark, have you noticed we're turning blue?

MARK: Did the CM finally give us a GC rating?

ROBIN: Huh?! No, I mean our skins are turning blue. You didn't notice?

MARK: I'm not prejudiced. Pink, blue, green - it doesn't matter to me.

ROBIN: You're just a happy-go-lucky guy, aren't you?

MARK: Yep.

PAIGE: (handing manual to Mark) Here... Read that.

Mark

[Reading manual, a sullen look overtakes Mark]

MARK: Alright look, which one of you ladies is nearing your erm, ahm...monthly er...visit?

ROBIN: What is wrong with you?

PAIGE: Oh, just shut UP Mark, this has nothing to
[interrupted by Mark]
MARK: I know how to unimpregnate Steve, without harming the "experiment".

STEVE: I'm actually starting to like the feeling.

MARK: It will kill you slowly Steve. But we can save the experiment and you at the same time.
It is a theory I was ready to present as proven "do-able" to the center before we were sent here. I ask because it will involve one of ladies, and well, ME.

ROBIN: What are you talking about surgery?

PAIGE: We couldn't take that chance, we have NO medical supplies for that, nothing.

STEVE: NOT a big fan of where you are going here, buddy

MARK: TRUST me people. I know a great deal about it, and it will work. Ladies, I need to know which one of you is more likely to get impregnated in the next week, we need something for steralization, and PLEASE tell me we still have the whiskey Steve.

STEVE: All of it Mark.

MARK: Ok, Steve, once one of these women is impregnated and she is hosting a human baby, we can do a transfer. The baby is in a sack - and it is removable, delicately, but our key is to keep it alive, so we need a pregnant woman, carrying a human baby, to take on a "twin" if you will.

ROBIN: I have no clothes that will fit if we do this. I am NOT doing this.

PAIGE: Dont look at me.

STEVE: Mark, can this really work, I figured myself for dead.

MARK: I can make it work, but you are going to have to convince the ladies.

PAIGE: [groans] Ok, Ok...I'll do it!

[Robin comes over and hugs Paige]
ROBIN: Oh My God, Paige...you're a bigger man...I mean woman, than I am!

STEVE: Thanks Paige, I knew you were my type of gal.

MARK: Ok, this should work....I hope! I mean I've never...[voice trails off]

STEVE: Never...WHAT? Mark...you've never done this before? [sounding scared with each word]

MARK: Well, we tried this on sheep back on the farm but..well...it didn't exactly turn out like we hoped.

ROBIN: [almost shouting]What are you saying, Mark? If this is going to hurt either one of my friends, I'll send you to Uranus, I swear!!

MARK: Calm down people! I think we can do this, seeing as they're human beings and not sheep. Trust me!

[The three castmates look at eachother with worried looks as Mark goes over to set up a small lab to start the experiment upon Paige & Steve]

ROBIN: (handing Mark the fifth full of eighteen year old Glenlivet) Mark, I swear on my first pet’s grave this BETTER work. It would be a total shame to waist such good Scotch.

MARK: (snatches the bottle from Robin) Gimme that! You alckie. If it doesn’t work, Steve will draw and quarter me.

ROBIN: Not before I have your head. (Mark smiles at Robin) And NOT your little on.

(Robin helps Mark set up the lab.)

MARK: Paige? You ready?

STEVE: Who's gonna administer the anesthesia?

MARK: Anesthesia?

STEVE: You know? The painkiller? The stuff that makes me unconscious so I won't feel a thing?

MARK: Well... That's partly what the whiskey is for, Steve.

STEVE: I have a better idea. Just let Paige hit me over the head again with a rock.

MARK: If that's what you want...

STEVE: Yeah, I want total unconsciousness.

PAIGE: Now?

STEVE: Now... *clunk* One more time...

PAIGE: Sorry. My hand slipped. *clunk*

STEVE: zzzzz ...I'm back, Toto. Don't chew on my ruby slippers, boy... zzzzzzzz

Mark

MARK: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Man, I was so wrapped up in recalling the details of this proceedure, I wasn't paying attention to what you ladies were talking about!

ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO BE PREGNANT FIRST

Did you not hear me when we talked about this? This can ONLY be done if the female is pregnant first. Steve is now incapable of producing active swimmers, (though that will return after the experiment is removed) which is why I kept saying TWINS. Remember- we need a viable human embryo to induce what is needed to sustain the experiment.

Now you just gave this poor pregnant man a unnecessary headache. I'm just glad you didn't waste the liquer we need for steralization.
ROBIN!! Put that DOWN!

PAIGE: Robin, I need this more than YOU do! [grabs the liquer bottle and takes a swig]

ROBIN: Paige, you shouldn't be drinking when you're being impregnated![grabs back bottle]

PAIGE: Well, maybe I don't really want to be impregnated anymore...I DO have rights you know. I know this isn't earth but I'm sure Aliens have "the Right to Choose" groups too![Paige starts to cry]

STEVE: Hon, Paige! Don't cry, Sweetheart. It won't be that bad, I promise!

PAIGE: The last [sob] time you [sob] promised me something [sob] was when you were [sob] out of condoms and...

STEVE: Ok, Ok! Not Now...Paige, please! [whispers] I don't want them to know about THAT!

MARK: Can you girls stop the emotional outbursts for a minute while I start the experiment already?

[Mark goes to get a hypodermic needle the size of his arm and bends down towards Paige's stomach. Paige shuts her eyes tight and holds Steve's hand with all her might]

ROBIN: is it just me? Or do you guys feel like something is strange here. Like everything we say is somehow…um…’centered’? There’s enough blank space on either side of our words too…(voice trails off.)

MARK: It just you Robin. (Snatches the whiskey bottle away from Robin) Give. Me. That. Sheesh.

ROBIN: Fine! Since I’m not needed. (starts to leave the room.)

MARK: Robin! What’s wrong with you? Why are you being so….so…emotional? Look at Paige. She’s giving her body to this experiment. Can’t you just keep it together long enough to hand me those plyers?

ROBIN: I don’t know Mark. I told you. Something doesn’t feel right.

(Mark looks glances over at the manual.) Oh great! Robin, did you touch Paige’s hand when I gave her the shot?

ROBIN: Yes! Mark! Paige is my friend. Of course I held her hand while you injected her.

MARK: That explains it…

STEVE: Oh man do I have a headache. Is the experiment over yet, Mark? Or is this a hallucination? I could have sworn I heard the word "pregnant" over and over again.

MARK: Yes, you're going to have a baby, or a twin, or something experimental. I'm not exactly sure.

STEVE: Just as I thought - a hallucination. So who's up for some badminton?

PAIGE: I am, Honey.

STEVE: (smiles) I was hoping you would be. Robin can be the net and Mark can be the shuttlecock.

PAIGE: Hahahaha!

STEVE: Hahahahahahahaha! (falls to ground laughing so hard)

ROBIN: Hey, what's so funny?

MARK: Never mind those idiots. We have an experiment to perform.

ROBIN: (batting eyes) Oh, Doctor. I love your scientific method.

MARK: Heh-heh, yes, there is a method to my madness. Mwahahahahaha!

ROBIN: Now you're just being creepy.

MARK: I will creep into your parlor said the spider to the fly. Mwahahahaha!

ROBIN: (backing away) Stop it, Mark.

MARK: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

ROBIN: Sreve! Paige! I think Mark's gone crazy!

PAIGE: What? Again?

STEVE: Here, slap him up the side of the head with my badminton raquet. (tosses stick to Robin)

Mark

{/i}ROBIN: *catches racquet, and with a Serena Williams like swing, hits Mark in the head - perhaps a bit too hard*

MARK: Mwahhhh OOOPFF *falls to ground*

ROBIN: Oh, NO - Mark, Oh my God, MARK! What have I done?

PAIGE: Get away from him Robin, let me see.
*looks at open gash on Marks head* Shoot, Robin - you really did it! This is not good.

STEVE: Wish it wasn't the old fashioned wooden racquet. Man, that is nasty.

ROBIN: I think I killed him.

STEVE: Robin calm down, Paige can fix him up, right Paige?

PAIGE: Ahm..

[Paige runs to get the first-aid kit]
PAIGE: Sure...I should have something here I can stitch him up with. [gets a shoelace and knitting needles ready] Uhhh, I'm not sure this is going to work, but it's all we have.

ROBIN: Huh? What are you going to do Paige, make him into a sweater?

STEVE: hehehe, I always thought Mark and his corny jokes would leave us in stitches one of these days [laughs hysterically]

MARK: Hhnnuuughhh[moans and starts to come to just as Paige is about to knit his brow

]

PAIGE: Don't worry, Mark...this won't hurt a bit. Robin! Come over here and stick your shoe in his mouth, so he can bite down on something instead of screaming.

ROBIN: He's not biting on my Gucci pumps! Oh, yeah...we're wearing space boots. That should be OK then [Robin takes off her clonky boot and shoves it into Mark's mouth]

MARK: Aaarrrggghh! yougow wooi wofjii shcoulke owohe!! [undecipherable lingo comes out of his boot-filled mouth]

STEVE: Look! That's what you get for putting Robin's foot in your mouth, Mark! [keeps laughing hysterically...then realizes the experiment Mark performed on him was starting to affect his brain chemistry]

Robin removes the boot from Mark’s mouth when Paige is finished, and rushes over to him.

ROBIN: Oh baby (leans down to kiss Mark’s forehead) I’m soooo sorry. But you said…

STEVE: Hey! What are you doing?

(Everyone looks at Steve)

PAIGE: Are you hallucinating again honey? No one is doing anything to you.

STEVE: Mark is! I know he is. He’s just jealous, cuz I’m gonna have a baby and he’s not. Why does he want to stop this pregnancy? Paige? (Steve has yet another nervous breakdown.)

(Robin and Mark roll their eyes.)

ROBIN: Mark! What happened to the experiment? Why hasn’t it fixed Steve?

SEVE: ( yells through tears) I don’t need fixing!

MARK: (hisses quietly to Robin) Stop talking so loud. His emotional meltdown is a normal part of the deingestation process.

(Steve’s wailing is getting louder and a worried look passes across Paige’s face.)

PAIGE: Mark! Please hurry up. If you hurt Steve….I swear….

MARK: Will everyone quit hassling me! It’s not like I deingest a human every day ya know.

(Suddenly, Steve’s body turns very blue, his hair, and skin and even his close.)

ROBIN: Um? Mark? Is he SUPPOSED to look like that?

MARK: What am I? The science officer?

ROBIN: Um... yes, honey, you are.

MARK: I am? Well then... Steve's color is approximately what one would expect in a situation like this, considering what has happened to him and assuming that things proceed in the way I have predicted.

ROBIN: (hugging him) Oh I just love your scientific method so much! Tell me more science, honey. (rubbing Mark's back)

MARK: The law of gravity requires that everything fall to the ground and makes the planets revolve around the stars.

ROBIN: Oh Mark...

PAIGE: Ugh! Is Steve supposed to be this yellow-green color now?

STEVE: (looking at skin) Oh no. This isn't vomit green, is it? I think I'm going to be sick.

MARK: It's normal to feel sick when you are going through the process that you are going through, assuming it proceeds as it normally does.

ROBIN: Oh Mark...

** #1548204 Not An Image **

Mark

MARK: OK, thats it for the Steve part, here Paige, take a look.
*hands bottle of whisky to Robin* Its all your Robin, knock yourself out.

PAIGE: *Walks over to Steve and hugs him, Steve passes out while hugging Paige* Steve, you feel so relaxed! honey, I'm just glad this is over!

ROBIN: *glug....glug....glug*

MARK: *Walks up behind Paige, and grabs the head clunking rock* Sorry Paige *WHOOMP, knocks Paige out*

ROBIN: *glug.....glug............GLUG*

MARK: ROBIN!....RO - BIN .......GO RO- BIN

ROBIN: *falls over backwards*

MARK: *Picks up bottle takes a small drink, finishing off bottle* Man, Robin, YOU are not going to be feeling good later.

3 Different Dreams from Steve, Paige and Robin - but they have a common thread.

MARK: *Makes all 3 shipmates comfortable*

INSIDE 3 DREAMS

STEVE’s DREAM
STEVE: [in a 1967 commune, wearing a toga, and has large breasts] Hey , why are you two sleeping, get up and help me would you? Can’t you see I’m gender confused? I’m...I’m attracted to you two ladies, but
I feel like I’m pregnant, and have tender breasts. And I can feel something that just feels like equipment
Contradiction.

ROBIN: [rainbow colored flower bandanna wrapped around her head, hemp sandals and some seriously to large sunglasses] Hey, sister, can you like cool out? I am NOT feeling groovy, can you dig it?

PAIGE: [wearing what looks like a grass-cloth serape, barefooted, no underwear] Wow, who’s got the greenies? Steeve-O, love – yeah.......love me Steeve-O. Peace

STEVE: Paige, I want to give some free love to you, but my thingy is being a Commie and, like, totally
Far-out.

ROBIN: Like, you are bringing me DOWN. *starts to undress*

PAIGE: Ro – bin , yeah – *undresses* neato, lets get down

STEVE: Well, my nipples are hard, but I really don’t feel like it. I’m just going to stay here and watch

[they all turn their head as a man with a medical mask comes into the room, just a medical mask]

PAIGE’s DREAM
PAIGE: [after 34 straight hours in ER training, showering in the locker room at the hospital] Man, I feel like someone hit me on the head with a boulder!

ROBIN: [showering next to Paige] Here, let me rub your shoulders *eases in behind Paige and massages shoulders* hand me the soap

PAIGE: mmmmmm god you feel GOOD Robin *hands Robin Soap*

[they both turn startled when the Man in a medical mask enters, just a medical mask]

MASKED MAN: Make sure to wash good

PAIGE: You head him Robin, later me up *giggles*

ROBIN: *stares at masked mans lower “parts” with a big grin, lathering Paige everywhere* how’s this?

MASKED MAN: Thats good, where almost ready

ROBIN’s DREAM

ROBIN: [wearing a leash, a few straps of well positioned leather, and CFMP’s] Yes master, as you command. *picks up soapy sponge and begins washing prone, naked female body*

NAKED FEMALE: [strapped to table, naked, duct taped mouth] struggles lightly, then closes eyes as she gets washed]

ROBIN’s MASTER: [wearing a medical mask, just a medical mask] Ok, I need you both clean, so soap yourself too.

OUTSIDE OF 3 DREAMS

MARK: [ after making 3 shipmates comfortable, uses some of the Bluemans cleaning supplies to make a frothy disinfectant, to clean the two women with. Checks Steve. Undresses both women. Cleans them, then
Finishes the experiment.....redresses the 2 women, and puts their feet up on a log, keeping their hips tilted. Cleans himself, pulls up pants]

Man, I hope this works, I’ll never be able to get away with this a second time!

*uses paper clip to jab a small hole in both Paige and Robin’s arms, dabs a drop of blood from each on two different strips of paper from inside a small tube, returns them to the tube and moves near the others
to lay down for a nap*

I know this will work, I hope they sleep for just the 1 hour we need.

*takes off cloth mask and falls to sleep*

[Paige, Robin and Steve start to wake up slowly groaning]
PAIGE: Uuuhhnnnn...my head hurts!

ROBIN: Agghhhhh....my head hurts too!

STEVE: Ooooohhh...my stomach!

MARK: Here guys! I fixed a special concoction for each of you to drink...it'll make you feel alot better.[hands each a flask with a brownish thick liquid inside]

[Each of the crewmembers start to gag when they start drinking the horrid drink Mark made]

STEVE: AARRRGGHH! What IS this crap??

ROBIN: It tastes like warm sewer crud!

PAIGE: Actually tastes OK after you get used to it [downs the rest and wipes mouth]

MARK: I made it from tree bark, some crushed tall grass, and a furry bumblebeast. It helps in the recovery process.

[Paige spits out the rest of the drink as she hears the ingredients]
PAGIE: Baaagghhhh...what are you trying to do Mark? Poison us??

MARK: Paige...if you want this experiment to work, you have to let me do my job, OK?

[Robin comes over and rubs Paige's back] Paige sweetie, let him do what he has to...it'll all be over soon, right? [Robin grabs her mouth and runs over to a bush to vomit]

STEVE: It was the weirdest thing...last night I had a very strange dream. Anyone else dream last night?

MARK: Sorry Steve, I slept just like a baby! [silly grin on face]

PAIGE: we need some real food. Robin, grab me some dehydrated broccoli.

STEVE: Robin? Do we have any freeze dried three bean casserole left? I’m suddenly craving fiber.

MARK: Yeah, Robin, honey, fetch me some steak and potatoes while you’re at it.

ROBIN: (turns around to look at the group, hand on hip and rolling her eyes.) EX-CUUSE ME! Do I look like the made? I’m after more liquor. Not food, to wash down this lovely swamp seaweed our dear Mark has given us to wipe out our memories and whatever else he thinks it will do, NOT wait on everyone hand and foot.

PAIGE: (gives Robin the puppy eyes look) Robin…please? will you pretty please grab me some real food? I will forever be in your debt.

(Robin drops her hand off her hip and sighs.) Okay Paige, for you. Cuz I love you and all. But do I have to wait on the guys?

PAIGE: It would be nice of you…since Steve is incapacitated and Mark is…well, Mark.

(looks around for the food but can’t find it.)

Robin: Guys…who left the door open to the tent? We have visitors! And they’ve eaten all our food.

STEVE: They look like squirrels.

LITTLE FURRY CREATURES: (in an "Alvin and the Chipmonks" voice) We are definitely NOT squirrels!

STEVE: You can talk!

LFC: Yes, and we can walk and eat and sleep and piss, too. Welcome to the animal kingdom, bird brain.

STEVE: It's just that I was surprised to hear you speak because back on Earth squirrels don't talk.

LFC: We're NOT squirrels! And do you have any more of that three bean salad? It was delicious!

PAIGE: It looks to me like you've already eaten almost everything.

LFC: I'm glad you said "almost", sister. Where's the rest of your stash?

ROBIN: Don't tell them anything!

PAIGE: Don't worry. I won't. ...Mark? Do something!

Mark

MARK: *crumbles something into a cup of glop* Here, this is the last of what we have. It's enough to sustain us four for 3 days. I promise if you eat it, you won't even want to eat another thing.

LFC: *scurries over to glop and the 2 of them devour the glop* hey, this is good *slurp slurp*

[before they finish, the 2 furry nuisances pass out]

MARK: That should keep them asleep for about a week. If it doesn't kill them.

PAIGE: Hmmm, that is the same crud you gave US, Mark...

ROBIN: *whacks Mark across the back of his head*

MARK: HEY!

STEVE: Mark, I still feel pregnant, I have a horrible taste in my mouth, and this strange feeling I am unaware of something.

PAIGE: My panties are....wet

ROBIN: eeehhhwwww

STEVE: Huh?

MARK: ALright...ok...ahm. I think you all should sit down and get comfortable. And Robin, perhaps YOU should remove any weapons from your person.

STEVE: Robin, give them to me. Besides if he says anything "BAD" - I will shoot him.

ROBIN: *like she is about to cry* m m m mMark, what did you DO?

[Steve, Paige and then Robin all sit near each other, on a log in front of Mark]

MARK: Ok, I'm first going to reiterate every necessary step in my transfer theory. Then, I will tell you what and why I did what I did.

[tells facts, explains in great detail, why each step is vital, sees the mood become sort of edgy among his mates....continues on, carefully detailing what he did, EVERYTHING HE DID.]

MARK: SO, that is why you two ladies need to take the test. Once we have a positive, we can finish this transfer, and Steve and the experiment will both be safe. It will be up to you ladies how to handle a name and everything else.

STEVE: Man, I'm glad I was already pregnant!

[As night crept in, the four friends fell fast asleep, dreaming of babies with Steve's face on them and furry little creatures eating them out of outerspace!]

PAIGE: huhmm....what time is it?[waking up and yawning]

ROBIN: uuuhhnnn...my watch says 8:30 am. Why?

PAIGE: isn't the experiment supposed to over now? Mark??

[Mark was still snoring and unrousable when yelled at by both girls]

ROBIN: Well...he's not dead, he's snoring really loudly though.

STEVE: My stomach! My stomach! Help me...Robin...Paige! Where's Mark? I'm having contractions over here!! Uuuuhhhhh!

PAIGE: Oh My GOD! Mark! Wake up, wake up!! I can't do this alone!!

[Mark starts to come to, wiping drool off of his tired face, and sits up quickly]
MARK: What..is it? Why do you guys have to wake a guy up for?
[Mark looks over at Steve who is crumpled in the fetal position and moaning loudly]

MARK: Holy Crap! Steve...are you okay dude?

STEVE: uuhhhgggg, Do I...look....okay to you?

Mark: (looking at the girls) Something’s wrong.

ROBIN: Hello! We can see that! Stop stating the obvious!

PAIGE: (slaps Robin’s arm.) Stop yelling at Mark. Just because he fell asleep during the experiment doesn’t mean you have to chew his ass out. (looks at Mark) What have you done to my Steve?!

MARK: Calm down girls. Hold on. Let me think. (Grabs one of the LFC’s who just so happened to walk by)

LFC: What the heck?! (squirming under Mark’s grip) Let me go you big fat human! Before I bite your finger.

Mark: Ouch! Stop that. I just need to borrow you for one minute and then you can be on your merry little way.

(Mark passes the LFC to Steve who is in the middle of another contraction) What do I need a talking squirrel for Mark? (shoots a really mean nasty look at Mark.)

MARK: Trust me on this one buddy.

LFC: If you call me ‘squirrel one more time. So help firstborn’s health.

STEVE: (snatches the LFC) Don’t talk about my future family you little (squeezes the creature)

LFC: Hey! What is it with you humans and your gripping little fingers. Bites Steve.

STEVE: (yelps and lets the creature go.) What was all that about?

MARK: Give me five minutes and then we’ll see if this worked or not.

Steve freezes into a robotic posture and begins moving around in a jerky, mechanical way.

STEVE: Well. Mark. Did. Your. Experiment. Work?

Mark

MARK: Sure did, look - your movements are already loosening! Your bodies defenses are working to attack that bite, instead of the implanted baby.

*throws litle tubes to Robin and Paige*

Ok, open em up! if one of them is blue or pink, we have a winner!

PAIGE and ROBIN in unison: Mines Pink / Mines Blue

STEVE: You have GOT to be kidding me!

MARK: *takes a couple slow steps away from the ladies* well, thats good , right?

ROBIN: Mines blue? ...mine is ....blue
PAIGE: Pink?.....I'm going to be a Mommy?

MARK: Yes, you both are. Congratulations!
OK, so who wants the twins?

Steve: Paige does, we should do this together - no offense intended Robin, but Paige and I already have a relationship.

ROBIN: ....ah, yeah...ok Steve, sure.

MARK: We can do this right now - you up for it Steve, Paige?

STEVE: I'm ready.

PAIGE: ...ah - yeah - I guess.

MARK: [escorts Paige to Steve's side, and has them both lay down. Whispers in Paiges ear, and she pulls sheet up to her chin. Robin settles in next to Paige and holds her hand.]
Robin, hand me that rock right there.

ROBIN: *hands Mark Rock*

MARK: Whispers into Steve's ear "hey buddy - I'm going to have to do this the pain might be too much, so talk distract Paige with a kiss or something"

Steve: Paige, hunny - gimme a little sugar before this happens!

[Paige looks at Steve, and leans in to kiss him]

MARK: *holding rock, smashes the side of Steve's head*

[Steve falls unconcious]

PAIGE: MARK! Dammit - you didn't have to hit him THAT hard!

MARK: Yeah, I did Paige, you're sure you want to remain awake for this huh?

PAIGE: More sure now than ever.

[Mark moves quickly, first preping Paige to recieve the expiriment, tehn to Steve, who will be giving up the embryo]

MARK: Last chance Paige...

PAIGE: Just do it

MARK: Alright, I want you to count to 10, and when you reah 10 I want you and Robin to both squeeze hands and screem as loud as you can.

PAIGE & ROBIN: OK
1....2....3....4.....5......6......7
[Mark Makes a quick slice through Paiges abdomen, and inserts a tube, tapes up hole, and covers with a clean cloth]
.....8.....9.....

MARK: Ok, it's done

PAIGE & ROBIN:..10 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

MARK: Wow, that was really loud, but you are done Paige. Hope I didn't hurt you too much.

PAIGE: I didn't even feel it Mark
[Mark removes the pouch growing on Steve's belly, and wraps a sling around Paige. Places pouch inside, and carefully threads a dangling cord into Paiges new tube.]

MARK: OK, Robin, can YOU sew up Steve, I've seen you sew before, and I never have - you'll do a much better job.

ROBIN: Gross, If I don't throw up first, sure.

PAIGE: Here are the pills you'd asked for Mark
*hands pills to Mark*

MARK: Paige - don't give them to me, Steve will need 2 a day for the 1st week, then 1 the next week, then a half per day for one more week. It will keep the hormonal confusion to a minimum, I hope.

ROBIN: Mark, it's done - that was easy. Do we have somethign to clean him up with?

MARK: DONT CLEAN HIM UP!! It will be the reality slap he needs to understand he is no longer the host.

PAIGE: AM I supposed to feel this cord moving?

MARK: Yup, it will attach itself to the placenta.

ROBIN: I'm going to be a Mommy too? Right?

MARK: Well, that's the down side here. Hadn't I mentioned that part before?

ROBIN: WHAT down-side? Mark...what are you talking about? [Robin grabs Mark by the arm intently]

MARK: Well, since Paige is now pregnant with Steve's host baby, you are now pregnant with a LFC baby of which I transplanted into you, Robin.

ROBIN:[screams and tries to choke Mark] You've GOT to be joking! I don't want one of those hairy little things inside of ME!

PAIGE: Mark! What are you doing?? Are you some kind of Mad Scientist or something? We're not your freaking guinea-pigs you know!

MARK: Don't worry, Robin! You won't have to carry it to full term. Its just a little experiment and I thought you would be the perfect host, since you're smaller and more nimble, which is what the LFC's are like also.

ROBIN: Yeah, right, whatever! Did I mention I HATE you at this moment! How could you do this to me? Without my permission? (begins to tear up) I thought you…oh never mind! (runs out to the room.

PAIGE: Mark? I’ve never seen her so angry before. (looks down at her stomach) I’m gonna be a Mommy!!!!

MARK: Yeah, me either. I really thought she’d understand. I guess I should have told her first.

STEVE: (waking up) What? What is this? Oh No! Paige! Honey. Something’s wrong. (looks over at Paige, Paige pats his arm,)

PAIGE: It’s going to be just fine Steve. We are going to have a baby. And Robin is going to have an LFC.

STEVE: (laughs) what? Are you serious?

PAIGE: Yes honey we…

STEVE: Robin is gonna have an LFC?! OMG that’s too rich.

MARK: (slaps Steve’s arm.) Shut up man. She’s angry about it.

STEVE: Well…she shouldn’t be misbehaving.

PAIGE: (slaps Steve’s other arm.) She wasn’t Steve!

STEVE: Sheeesh! Why does everyone get their kicks out of hitting me?

PAIGE: It’s one of Mark’s little experiments.

(off in the distance, a loud shriek is heard. It sounds like Robin, although, no one can be certain.

PAIGE: Maybe I better go check on Robin... if it IS Robin.

STEVE: Good idea. Assuming it's Robin we heard, of course.

MARK: Well, if it wasn't Robin, then who was it?

STEVE: Oh, it was probably Robin all right. It's just that we can't be certain, can we?

MARK: We could go LOOK and see if it WAS Robin...

PAIGE: Oh for heaven's sakes. I'll go see if it's Robin.

Mark

The Group moves from the clearing, towards the shrieking sound, assuming Robin was involved.
When they come around the big rock, they see Robin who looks up at them

ROBIN: Did you hear that?

STEVE: Yeah, we thought you were involved, or that you might be in trouble.

PAIGE: Listen!

In the distance a gutteral groaning - deep, like the bass in a stereo turned up too high. They felt it before they heard it, but they heard it with ears as pain, but in their guts too.

MARK: G A W D !! That is Awful!

STEVE: Something very large is not happy.

ROBIN: It's coming from the mountian, er well - where that huge creature is. Maybe the BlueMen are spearing it? *glances at the others hoping for looks of agreement or posibility*

PAIGE: Whatever it is, I can feel it inside of me.

STEVE: Me too, my insides feel like they are on a giant vibrating bed.

MARK: Should we go look?

STEVE: Well, if we find out what it is, at least we know what we are dealing with. I htink you expectant Mom's should stay here. Wait, come along, but hang back. *tosses Robin the laser pistol*

MARK: Right, right...Goood idea Steve.

ROBIN: It's only about a 5 minute walk throuhg this sparse growth of trees, after that - we have that large open field to cross to get the where the mountian is. Maybe 2 miles across?

PAIGE: Yeah, we can't hang back there.

STEVE: Sure you can, we all will.

MARK: Huh? how are we going to see what's going on?

STEVE: We're going to make lots of noise and light a campfire, so everyone who wants to know we're there, will know. Then Mark - you and I will sneak across the field in the tall grass.

ROBIN: That will take forever!

MARK: Actually, Steve, that's not a bad idea at all. We'll stuff some of the grass in our shirts and pants, so it is sticking out, we'll be all camouflaged.

STEVE: Yup, and once we get across the field and check things out, we'll use this *holds up compact*

ROBIN: Yeah, after that crawl, you'll definately need to freshen up.

[everyone chuckles]

STEVE: Ok, yeah - pretty funny Robin, but well use it to signal you two. A couple long reflections, and you can come across, a few short flashes, and you'd better stay.

Very long drawn out gurgling the same deep guttural resonance, this time - they were sure, this thing was in trouble, or hurt.

PAIGE: Everyone fill anything you have with these
fuzzy violet leaves. NOT the ones on the ground, the plants, but just the leaves.

MARK: What's it some sort of medicine?

STEVE: Paige? You know something?

PAIGE: Robin, remember the week at teambuilders?

ROBIN: Paige! You're brilliant! *starts smiling and grabbing leaves*

STEVE: Ok..*starts grabbing leaves* Ok, fill us in Paige.

Mark: *Looks at Paige, starts grabbing leaves*

PAIGE: Don't worry about it, Robin and I just have something to prepare while you to go across that field, don't we Robin!

ROBIN: Yes we do! *giggling to herself*

STEVE: As long as it keeps you busy, fine.
Now lets hurry up and grab these leaves, and get through this bit of trees.

[Paige starts a fire, with not much effort she gets a good flame going so whatever the thing is will be distracted and think the team is hanging around the fire instead of staking out where it is!]

PAIGE: Damn, I make good fire![giggles with Robin] I wish we had brought some marshmallows with us from Earth though, hehe!

ROBIN: OK, Paige...lets follow the boys.

[the two pregnant women slink behind their two male counterparts with leaves & grass camoflauging their swollen bellies]

MARK: [whispering loudly and gestering for them to follow] Cmon, girls...stay with us!

STEVE: Wait! Mark...I don't hear any noise anymore...do you?

[the two men stop for a minute or so to listen to the dead silence]

ROBIN: What's going on up there? Mark?

PAIGE: Steve...where the hell has the noise gone?

[both men hush the girls as the noise sounds like its coming from a bush just a few feet away from them]

ROBIN: OH MY GOD! LOOK!!

PAIGE: SOMETHINGS GOT ME!! STEVE! HELP!!

ROBIN: (aims the laser pistol and shoots the creature holding on to Paige’s leg.) Yeah! Now that’s what I’m talking about. (looks at Paige, who is clutching tightly to Steve) And what’s this about you calling to Steve for help when I’m the one with the piece here?

PAIGE: (smiles) thanks Robin, that’s why I love you. You saved my ass.

STEVE: What about me Paige? Don’t you love me?

PAIGE: Yes sweetie, I do. (strokes his hair with her fingers) But its not all about you. Ya know?

STEVE: It’s not?

MARK: Yeah buddy! It’s about ME too. (Mark is kneeling down inspecting the creature) Especially since this…this…this…thing, whatever it is - is still alive.

ROBIN: Oh my God Mark! Step back, its moving!

MARK: Shoot it again, Paige.

CREATURE: Wait, Earthwoman With Big Belly! Do not shoot me.

PAIGE: It can talk!

MARK: It's a trick. It probably just mimics human speech. Shoot it, Robin.

CREATURE: No, Science Officer Mark, I do not mimic. These are words none of you has ever spoken.

MARK: Bull! They're all common ordinary words that you could have heard us say anytime.

STEVE: Um, Mark. Doesn't the fact that we're having a conversation with it indicate it must be at least a little bit intelligent? A conscious being like ourselves?

MARK: That doesn't mean it has our best interests at heart. Shoot it, Robin.

PAIGE: Wait! Steve's right. The creature is talking sense and if it wanted to hurt us, then why hasn't it already done it?

Mark

The four crewmates watch as this entity reforms into a humanoid shape. With a slightly transparent and misty look of a ghost, and the coloring of an old photograph, they realize shooting it would have little or no effect.

MARK:(backing up a few steps) What are you...well - who are you and why have you snuck up on us like this?

CREATURE: We do not use "names", but in your speach you may refer to me as STAMPOR.

STEVE: Are you okay? I hope we haven't hurt you.

STAMPOR: Your weapons cannot harm me, I have no physical form, I am only thoughts and energy.

PAIGE: There are more like you?

ROBIN: (tucking guns away) Why have you come to us?

STEVE: (sticking hand into creature)

STAMPOR: STOP! IT IS .... it is unkind, disrespcectful and intrusive to penetrate the energy field of our kind.

STEVE: SORRY, really, I'm very sorry.

MARK: Ok, we're still waiting to find out why you have come to us. Was this an accident? Did you seek us out? Are we doing something you wish to prevent?
Something you hope to assist with?

The group look all around and watch as nearly every rock, bush, and landscape item turn into foggy mutations, slowly reforming into shapes similar to Stampor.

STAMPOR: We have come to help. You have put the lives of others ahead of your own safety and comfort. You have overcome your fears and harsh reactions to this realm. We offer you what we have and what we can do to assist you.

STEVE: Assist us with what? What exactly is it you "Have" and "can do"?

[the creature motions with his transparent arm to come with him to the top of the hill they are standing on, and they finally see what is down in the valley below them]

PAIGE:OH MY GOD!!

ROBIN: IT'S BEAUTIFUL!!

[the two men only stand with mouths wide and eyes like saucers as they behold the spectacle before them]
Before them is a land so spectacular and glorious, the four crew members are mezmerized and can hardly imagine its glory

STAMPOR: This...is our Kingdom, well its equivalent to your Earth's Kingdom...we call it Our Fondilay. It is where all things are wonderful, beautiful and above all, violence-free!

MARK: Yeah, right...I'd like to see a place without violence [says with a grunt]

ROBIN: It's everything I've ever dreamed of...honestly, I've had actual dreams in which this was present, and everyone here was in my dream too!

STEVE: I didn't think anything like this existed! I don't know what to say...and THAT'S saying something [laughs nervously]

STAMPOR: This whole trip you took was a test of which we wanted to see just how human beings could get along and survive in another galaxy. You all have passed with flying colours. So, as reward, you all can stay in our Fondilay for as long as you like, and whatever you desire will be yours!

MARK: Anything? We desire? It’s ours?

ROBIN: I don’t want to have the LFC anymore. Can you fix this for me?

STAMPOR: Certainly Robin.

ROBIN: Whew! Mark? Is that okay w/ you?

MARK: (with mock grief…sniff…)..but Robin…How could you?

STMPOR: Don’t worry Mark; we will take care of everything.

(The four crewmembers enter into the land of Fondily. Everything seems so perfect. Steve is especially happy everyone has quit hitting him – not to mention the endless supply of Sierra Mist. Time is something incomprehensible in Fondily. No one knows how long the four of them have been there. One day, PAIGE looks at Robin

PAIGE: Robin, I really love that white foundation you have put all over your face. It’s almost translucent…

ROBIN: huh? Paige? What are you talking about? I don’t wear make-up. You know that.

PAIGE: Look, Robin! I can see through my hand!

ROBIN: Paige! You're becoming transparent! Steve! Mark! Come here. quick!

PAIGE: I feel so... free.

MARK: Omigod! She's fading away!

The three watch with open mouths as Paige, with a smile on her face, becomes fainter and fainter until she is gone.

MARK: We have to ask STAMPOR what happened to Paige!

ROBIN: Do it, Mark! I can't believe Paige just disappeared like that.

Mark

MARK: I can't BELIEVE it! *looks off at mountian range and sees only ameoba like images*

[realizing the group has fallen prey to the optical delusions, Mark squeezes eyes shut, takes a few deep breaths, and listens carefully]

MARK: Robin, listen to me, and be vary calm and quite - I want you to come here right now - but do not speak. Steve, please lay down where Paige stood and be still, do not speak - at ALL. PLEASE, trust me here.

[Steve looks at Mark like he needs a good whack on the head with a rock, but sees he is serious, and the closed eyes reminds him of the delusions]

*Robin walks over and facing Mark, puts a hand to his face, and strokes the stubbly beard growth, worried he has "lost it"*

MARK: Thank you, *wispering into her ear* please put a laser pistol in each of my hands, and then sit on the ground and be very still, and very quiet.

*Robin sees Mark is onto something, and does as he asks. Takes out guns and places them into Marks hands, sits down.*

MARK raises both guns and waits to hear something.

[everything is suddenly very still...no one is talking....when a sudden scurrying sound is heard}

[we hear] BLAM-ZOT BLAM-ZOT , and off a short distance a gurgling sound