Okay, Chapters Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, and Fifty's reviews were lumped into one so I could go over the story of Lynn, Tun, and Messick. Well, this is the only other time I'll do that. This time it's to go over the story of the nukla (and a little about the town they encounter on the way back). Remember in my Lynn/Tun/Messick review I mention another "thin spot?" This is it. Let me get through these next couple of reviews, and then I'll tell you why this feels thin to me.



I do like the new development with the townspeople believing that Zoë has special powers. That was a very interesting addition!

"'I wish I knew what people said about me.'

Trez's laugh[ter] rolled in from behind. 'No, you don't.'"

Dude! I'm as frustrated as Zoë! What did he mean by that? And she just let him off with that after a brief unbalancing act? No way, man!

Rianae and Zoë go out to the nukla, speak to the boys on the other side and they talk a little, then Rianae is dropping her gaze to a small whirl (should it be "whorl?") of water nearby. It becomes obvious that they've gotten into the nukla, but when did that happen? I thought I'd get some sort of description as Zoë climbed in about - I don't know - the differences between it and a Jacuzzi or how it was hotter than she expected or...something. I didn't ever feel like I was really there. They're just disembodied voices without a setting. (I don't even know how big the pool actually is! )

"[Zoë] bent at the edge of the wooden path to ball some snow between her hands."
--Now I love the snowball fight, but in the beginning, you said this area was all rocks...where'd the snow come from?

"'That hit me in the back of the head!'"
--Who says this? Even if Zoë can't tell, let her guess. (Also need to do this with, "'What was that?!' one of the men shouted." Well, which man?)



I very much like this opening scene with Roe, Zoë, and Trez coming across Rianae and Ayo in the nukla, but I think it might actually fit better as the last section of the previous chapter. It just feels like it should go there instead of here.

So the villagers stop the chaises. How did they know Zoë was in there?

Very touching scene with the child, and I can feel Zoë's helplessness and the desire that she really did have magical powers. You do a very good job of relating to the human condition here, but I'm just not quite feelin' Zoë.

Now, the scene with the merchant... That's Zoë! And I love love love it!

I also like how she turns it on Rianae, telling her she has the power to change things. This is a very inspiring chapter, but something is all wrong. The voice, the tone...other things. But these problems span these two chapters, so let me address them at the same time.





Okay, first let's list the things these two chapters do:

Fill in Derrick's blanks.

Show camaraderie between Zoë, Rianae, Trez, Roe, and Ayo, strengthening their characters toward one another.

Eradicate all doubt that Rianae and Ayo are a couple, thereby showing that Rianae has no more serious interest in Derrick.

Tell the newest rumors circulating about the "Earthian girl."

Show Zoë impacting more people, by "negotiating" with the evil merchant guy.

Letting Zoë inspire Rianae to be a great leader, and to buckle down and fight for her throne.

Lay the groundwork for the citizens halting the battle in Chapter Sixty-Seven before it even begins.

Wow, that's a lot of objectives for just a couple of chapters, ay? But that's good. If you can do it...do it. That's what I always say. Okay, I never say that, but it sounded good.

Right, Satuawany, then why are we talking about it being "thin?"

Well, here're the problems I see that span these two chapters:

I said in Chapter Sixty-Two's review that I never really felt like I was there. Well, the nukla was the worst about that, but both of these chapters had a "not quite in the scene" quality to them. Except for maybe when Zoë goes to see the starving little girl.

I never once really felt like Zoë and Rianae barged in on nakedness. I mean, you say the boys are naked, but I never grasped the reality of it. It lacks...hmm...it lacks maturity I think. I feel like the boys are wearing those flesh colored suits that movie actors wear in a nude scene when they don't really want to be nude.

Rianae feels "off" the whole time. I understand that she's "growing up," but it's stop & start and "herky jerky."

I'm at war with myself here, 'cause I like the idea of the Filenian villagers thinking Zoë has "special" powers, but I don't quite buy it. Why Filenia? Why wasn't she treated like that before? All villagers so far have been mostly indifferent to her and certainly haven't recognized her. Why now? It feels very sudden, like there was no real build-up to it.

I guess I felt that the risq was the last justifiable "party time" and that the jaunt to the nukla was misplaced in such a time of trial.

My humble suggestions...

If you're married to the nukla story, it needs a major revision. It needs sights and smells and sounds and temperature. You need to take your reader there. But, in all honesty, I'd nix it all together.

As for the small town scene, it also lacks that sense of "being there." If this chapter were a woman, she'd be numb, blind, and her face would be without features. I wouldn't want to nix this idea altogether, however, because I think it's important to Zoë's idea that they bring needed supplies to the villages and therefore sets the groundwork for Chapter Sixty-Seven where the villagers stand against the militia.

Bearing all this in mind - maybe, instead of spending the day and night at the nukla, the fivesome could head into town for a shorter day trip? Maybe one of the fashion buffs wanted to drag them off to buy some rare fabrics or something? That also reminds your readers of how we met the Demoriac trio in the first place. Then, they could encounter the village scene, though the villagers' belief in Zoë's "special powers" would still need to be built toward. Also, I could see Zoë skipping out for a "short trip into town" and not talking to Sirena about what she overheard much, much easier than I could see her skipping off to the nukla.

That takes care of the last four objectives of these chapters, I think. For the first three, however:

Fill in Derrick's blanks.
Let Derrick do it. Please. I so wanted to see the scene where he told Zoë the whole story. I wanted to see how he told it and I wanted to see him do it. I really think he needs to do it. I feel like you like the nukla scene and that you'll more than likely want to keep it after doing some work on it. Let Derrick tell his own story, though, whatever else you do. {e:pleading}

Show camaraderie between Zoë, Rianae, Trez, Roe, and Ayo, strengthening their characters toward one another.
A trip into town or neighboring village could do this just as well. And would bring back that original feel to the group, from when they met on Demoriac. (Could also show how Zoë has grown if she's not as girlishly giddy with them.)

Eradicate all doubt that Rianae and Ayo are a couple, thereby showing that Rianae has no more serious interest in Derrick.
Let Zoë and the others find them in an atrium or somewhere else they might sneak off to in the castle.

Like I love to say......this is just my opinion. This is just what I'd do if it were me, but I didn't pour my heart into writing any of this, so it's easy for me to say, "cut it." I know it's different from your point-of-view and you may be trying to set something up here for Book Two that I don't know about.

If you do keep it, work on putting your reader there. Also, something has to be done about Zoë running off without reporting her eavesdropping episode or what she found in Garrun's room, whether she tells before she goes, or she doesn't hear the advisors until after she gets back. I think Zoë's outgrown that kind of irresponsibility. Thirdly, please let Derrick tell his own story. *poocheslipout*

And, lastly, don't forget they're naked!