I think that by commenting on specifics and trying to force your poem into a rhyme scheme, rather than let the poem talk to you and make its own is not very helpful. It roughly adheres to the sonnet form - and in these modern days of fluidity, I personally thank that is enough.

I liked the poem exactly as it is - the words convey power and poignancy. It scanned well when read outloud as well as reading clearly on the page.

Thank you for sharing it with me.
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