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| >> Message Forum >> Other >> ID #1568882 |   |
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Message #2000807, posted on 11-21-09 @ 11:15 am EST, |
 Subject: Feedback: R & A Chapter 4 |
Review: R & A, Chapter 4  Summary/My General Impressions:What I liked best:Excellent phrasing, and very poignant: I knew enough to know that his brand of repentance was not the pathway to redemption. Plot:I hesitate to use the trite cliché, “the plot thickens,” but truly it does in this chapter as our two Protagonists are drawn even closer together, learning some of the life histories of each other, only to face the circumstances that diverge them. Then at the end (as once again Richard must be about courtly business, yet another dividing circumstance) the plot suspense really escalates with Raymond's slurs, demands, and threats. Excellently-written ending! Character:A wonderful repartee from two characters whose hearts are significantly breaking, as they face the circumstances which will persist in keeping them apart. “Naw, let them fly.” He waved his hand in front of his face. “At the very least, it will be entertaining to see how imaginative the court can be.” “Well then, should we start back to court? We do have a full day of scandals to create.” Anne winked at him. Setting:Once again, we have the author's glorious setting of the scene and locale. When one reads this, one can sense it all, the sun just thinking about rising, possibly burning off an early-AM fog, dew on the grass, horses barely stirring in the stables (and the stable boys not stirring at all): It was a luminous morning. Richard rose even earlier than usual, so early that the stable boys still slept soundly. It also goes to the character of Richard, no slugabed he, but a man who doesn't want to waste a moment of the precious day. Grammar/Spelling/Usage:Richard coughed startling the boys. Richard coughed, startling the boys. “This is one of my favorite places on the river.” He told her. ”This is one of my favorite places on the river,” he told her. near by nearby Anne shifted her legs. “Well, my father met my mother’s father, the Viscount of Marseilles, in Jerusalem. My father was wounded while defending my grandfather. Grandfather nursed him and took my father back to Marseilles. Some say there is a curse in my family to produce only girls. My mother was to inherit Marseilles upon my grandfather’s death. My grandfather, being the man he was, wanted Marseilles in the best of hands, so he gave his daughter, the heir, in marriage to my father.” Needs an additional quotation mark preceding Grandfather nursed him as this is an entirely new paragraph, still within the same character's speech. Anne looked him over for a moment, She trying to decide whether or not to tell him. Anne looked him over for a moment, she trying to decide whether or not to tell him. “He has made himself quite wealthy has he not?” comma after wealthy He threw himself into this work; I think in part to forget my mother. comma, not semicolon, after work Again, needs quotation mark at the beginning of the new paragraph, since still part of one character's speech: Whenever my father is away, Stephen takes care of much of the business, and he also tutored me to that end. I trust him completely as does my father. needs quotation mark at the beginning of the new paragraph, since still part of one character's speech: Eventually word came that my father was still alive and on his way home. The priest made all kinds of threats to her. I do not know exactly what they were, but I am sure that he threatened to publicly expose her to my father. Perhaps it was the threats of the priest, perhaps it was the thought of having to continue life with my father, but my mother flung herself into the sea.” needs quotation mark at the beginning of the new paragraph, since still part of one character's speech: I had to stay locked in the chateau for fear of retribution from the priests. When they reached the palace stables, Immediately Richard was told of some new problem the Countess desperately needed him to solve. immediately does not need to be capitalized, as is not the start of a new sentence Needs Revision:Since “leading-horse” is repeated twice here, I would change one or the other to read a little differently, just for effect: Richard left the stable leading his horse. He waited in the courtyard for Anne. At last she finally approached from the stables leading her horse. Anne looked around her taking in the beauty of the spot Richard chose. Perhaps improved as: Anne looked around her, taking in the beauty of the spot Richard had chosen. Just a suggestion: perhaps devoid rather than void? The bank was void of vegetation, but out in the river tall rushes sprang up and swayed in the gentle breeze. Probably a capital here as this is a proper name, referring to a specific queen: Then he wrote the queen Queen Reviewed for Novel Focus Group Review by Hanne-Marie    "A good ghost story needs soul"--Tim Lebbon NaNoWriMo: "The Deer is my Muse."
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