I'll find him a girlfriend to set his tail to waggin' (Steve Ellen )

I know - terrible rhyme - I think I have the wrong wig on (Steve Ellen )

I do! This is the blonde one I borrowed from Dolly Pardon! (Steve Ellen )

It's even worse. He borrow her bra and stuffed it (Dad )

When he should have just stuck to his pillow and stuffed it (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Down 'tween his crotch and his chest (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

But this song's not about Porter, I keep trying to insist. (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Nor about a bad rhyming writer (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Porter re attached himself and he clung even tighter. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

So here I am a vampire, with a leech upon my balls (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Flying through the air, in WDC's hallowed halls. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Before I knew it I landed, my feet upon the ground. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

And wouldn't you know it - Porter - was nowhere to be found. (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

But Ravenwand, you know, will drag him back into the story, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Nevermind that little jerk, she's often kinda whorry. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

For seven long years Porter had been trying to escape (Steve Ellen )

But the only plan that worked was blue tights and a yellow cape (Steve Ellen )

"I am Super Leech!" he hollered as he ran around room (Steve Ellen )

It was that unrestrained emotion that eventually caused his doom. (Steve Ellen )

He was at the unemployment office trying to collect a benefit check (Steve Ellen )

When who should walk right in but Donkey, Puss and Shrek! (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Said Gingy, perched in Donkey's cap (Dad )

I am so fuzzing sleepy that I need to take a nap (Steve Ellen )

Porter could have kept his mouth shut, but he got up and blurted out: (Steve Ellen )

"Aren't we going to get in trouble with copyright infringemout?" (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Then everyone looked at Porter like he'd lost another marble. (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

To which Gingy replied, "Man, you gots some yarbles" (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Porter cried, with tear in eye, "I used to have some balls," (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

But then I fell right off them, as he flew these hallowed halls! (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Wow, to not be about Porter, there sure was a lot of Porter in the song!!! Let's start another one! (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Did you ever hear about the cat who tried to swallow a comb/ (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

He was unsuccessful but it made him write a poem. (Steve Ellen )

I don't remember it exactly but I believe it began like this: (Steve Ellen )

I aimed a hair tool at my mouth but it was a great big miss (Steve Ellen )

It raked across my tummy and made me want to piss (Steve Ellen )

How the verse continued I do not recall, do you? (Steve Ellen )

No, I don't recall, boo hoo! (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

I took the cat to the vet, to get the comb removed, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

I thought the cat was dead, but suddenly it moved! (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

"It was a way down deep in there," the veterinarian said to me (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

But then he handed me the comb; I was happy as could be! (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

"You're not going to use that comb, are you?" the veterinarian said (Steve Ellen )

I just laughed into his face and dragged the wet thing across my head (Steve Ellen )

I could see that he was angry; he thought I was trying to make him sick (Steve Ellen )

But the anger turned to leering as he pulled out his dick (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

y bird and set it soaring free, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

I was s'prized as I could be (Dad )

I didn't think dicky birds grew 'round here (Dad )

Then I saw one appear! (Dad )

It yelled at me, "Don't comb around here no more" (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

I countered with "Free Falling" as it slammed into the door. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

And all this time the cat was sitting in his catbird seat (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

"I won't back down," said the dicky bird, with a tweet. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Before the writers got themselves in a whole big heap of trouble (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

But wouldn't you know it, the cat was bent over double (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Meanwhile the dog was sleeping peacefully in the yard (Steve Ellen )

Didn't know I had a dog? You'd better ask the bard (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Who writes these songs and sells 'em to me (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Not just one but two or three (Steve Ellen )

And he never asks if I'm in the mood to sing (Steve Ellen )

Just pulls out his instrument and plays with the thing (Steve Ellen )

While I struggle to read the smudgy music he wrote (Steve Ellen )

about a fish that fell into a boat (Dad )

And a caterpillar, who lost his wings, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Why does he write such ridiculous things? (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

I wanna get back to the comb and the cat (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Won't someone please tell me what happened with that? (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

The cat had long hair, the comb had long teeth (Steve Ellen )

When on a chair the cat set, the comb sat beneath (Steve Ellen )

They were as close as two friends could ever possibly be (Steve Ellen )

Closer than they should sit, logically (Dad )

But neither knew any logic or philosophy or math (Steve Ellen )

All the wanted to do was sit on a chair and lick itself a bath (Dad )

When the comb slipped into the lower intestine, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

The cat said "It feels like I got me a pest in" (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

That poor cat wasn't dirty, oh not not at all, (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Which he could demonstrate daily, in a ball (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Then one day the cat died and the comb cried (Steve Ellen )

When he learned for the murder in court he'd be tried (Steve Ellen )

You're guilty! yelled the judge. You have cat hairs in your teeth! (Steve Ellen )

Now the comb's in HairCare Prison begging for relief. (Steve Ellen )

But the only relief he'll get is a trip to the electric chair (Steve Ellen )

Maybe he'll go to Heaven and meet his Kitty there. (Steve Ellen )

And so ends my story about the Kitty Cat and the Comb. (Steve Ellen )

Anyone who wants a sequel will be posting here alone. (Steve Ellen )

***** ***** ***** THE END ***** ***** ***** (Steve Ellen )

This brand new song ain't about cats nor combs, nor leeches named Porter, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

And it shore 'nuff ain't 'bout me crossin' the border. (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

It's not about pineapples or kangaroos or tin cans or corn (Steve Ellen )

But it's got guitars and fiddles and drums and a horn (Dad )

We got a singer named Tex and a backup singer named Minnie Lou (Dad )

A worshboard for me and a pair of spoons for you. (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

We'll dress up like Canadians with moose antlers on our heads (Steve Ellen )

And our microphones are old; we got 'em from the Feds. (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

Then we'll whip out our jugs and blow em good and right, (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

Which might make Dad run screaming into the night. (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

But that, ladies and gentlemen, is a chance we'll have to take (Steve Ellen )

'Cause you're about to hear the beautiful noises we can make: (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

TOOT TOOOT WOOOT WOOOT BOOOT BOOOT WEEEEEET!!! (Ravenwand, Rising Star! )

And they're just warming up, soon it'll really sound Sweet! (PurpleHaze - VH2 is growing )

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