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| >> In & Out >> Comedy >> ID #1844142 |   |
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It was a dark night. The rain slid down the windows, and the wind howled outside. Huddled in the editing room of a small publishing house, a group of virtually unknown authors joined forces in search of a common goal: to write the Great American Novel. It was no small undertaking: they endlessly debated the characters, the conflict, and whether or not a Sherlock Holmes hat would make the hero look cooler. Only one thing was certain: vampires were a bit overused. That and the fact that, like a treasure hunter goes through an overfilled closet to find that single, priceless antique, the team would likely have to go through decades' worth of useless junk to find the one, true novel. So scroll down and let's get started. We have a hell of a lot of useless junk to write. In fact, the more useless your junk is, the better. Dramatis Personae: Xzygrumglaxz "Zeb" Prndwooooxly Carol Prndwooooxly Brad Prndwooooxly Sebastian Thaddeus Prndwooooxly Ginger Billiken Prndwooooxly Kent Zelda Lou Six-Gun Molly Hurrgurrdurrmon Cloaked Figure The Cameraman aka Glaak Zargon I've removed the Saturnian. |
Mr Zaborskii  : The home base, like its unfortunate predecessors, was loaded. And the defenders thanked god for it as they fired a wide laser at the nearest meteor-like object. It split apart and fell harmlessly on either side of the base. Haze. Purple Haze. : Pforg was trumped again. "Now I'll never get to third base," he moaned. Just then, Pforg's mother, Pflucy, brought him a bowl of Psoup. It was his favorite and he soon Pforgot all about the Martian Moon Base. Steve Ellen  : Instead, Pforg sipped his Psychosis Psoup until he got that feeling he loved so much, a buzzing numbness, kind of like being stung into paralysis by a thousand wasps who have dragged you to their hive where they use you in disgustingly sexual insect ways. Haze. Purple Haze. : But on other planets, wasps don't behave that way, which makes Schrumpflicker unique. Back at the Martian Moon Base, Kent and Carol were discovering how difficult things work in zero gravity. Steve Ellen : Particularly elevators. "Go down, dammit!" Carol kept yelling at the stubborn device. Kent said, "Maybe we could attach a fan to it and blow ourselves down." Ravenwand, Rising Star! : "Aren't these things supposed to work via chains, motors and pulleys? Why on earth would lack of gravity matter?" Carol was getting frustrated. Kent scratched his head with his hoof and snorted. "We forgot to press this red flashing button!" Haze. Purple Haze. : "And, we're not on Earth any more, sugar twinkie," Kent added. "This is Mars, right?" Ravenwand, Rising Star! : "Why on earth is an idiom, you idiot, I'm aware we're on Mars... Sheesh!" Kent got mad and accidentally stepped on the red flashing button. Haze. Purple Haze. : The whole room shifted downwards. In a hurry. Like an elevator. It took the two of them some time to realize that now was a good time to finish what they'd tried to start. Mr Zaborskii : Just then, the elevator door opened to a lower room, where a Martian Sex Robot awaited them. Mr Zaborskii : "Finish what you tried to start!" the robot ordered in a cold, metallic voice. Steve Ellen : "Not if you're going to order us about!" Kent protested. However, Carol, who enjoyed getting ordered about, rubbed Kent's back and said, "Oh, Kent baby, let's just do what it says. I don't want any trouble." Ravenwand, Rising Star! : Kent didn't like to have his back rubbed, so like the mule that he was, he reflexively kicked backward, plastering carol against the back wall of the elevator, where she slumped to the floor leaving a smear of blood. Mr Zaborskii : Did you just kill Carol? Good God! This story just got bloody fast. Dad : Carol woozily got back to her feet and rubbed the back of her arm, where a giant Martian mosquito had attached itself. Kent's kick has flung Carol's arm mosquito-side down, against the wall, squashing the mosquito and leaving a large bloodsmear on he wall Ravenwand, Rising Star! : OT: Yeaaaa Dad! xoxoxox Steve Ellen : Unfortunately, the quick-acting giant Martian mosquito venom was having it's effect on Carol. She began shaking uncontrollably and her eyes rolled back and showed the whites. "Don't die, baby!" Kent moaned. Dad : "I'm not dying, you jackass," she moaned. "This is the best, absolutely best aphrodisiac I've ever had! Get over here NOW and give me what I NEED!" Haze. Purple Haze. : On the surface, Thad and Brad were in the middle of discussing who came first. "It doesn't matter," Zeb interjected, "They've pushed the flashing red button!" He pointed to the emptiness where Carol and Kent had been. Ravenwand, Rising Star! : The martian sex robot smiled an evil electronic smile. He had released that aphromosquito, knowing what it would do. "I will help you with that," he droned as he stepped within the confines of the elevator. Steve Ellen : Immediately he was smashed to bits against the roof of the elevator. He had failed to take into account Einstein's Principle of Inertia which states "When you find yourself in a low gravity situation, be alert, because you are almost sure to get pranked." Mr Zaborskii : Pforg jolted upright out of his psychosis soup. "Damn it!" he thought, "This happens every time I attempt to telepathically control sex robots! Why?!" Ravenwand, Rising Star! : *OT: Spews coffee.*  Steve Ellen : Zargon was on his ninth martini. The bartender considered cutting him off, but there were no outward signs of intoxication. Besides, Zargon was a Skymaster and might easily become enraged. Zargon gazed lazily at the bartender, aware of his every thought. Steve Ellen : "I could crush you with my mind," Zargon said. The bartender wiped another glass clean with his rag. He was used to being stared at and subjected to idle threats. On this planet his only job options were bartending or chopping gills in the fungus mines. Steve Ellen : Zargon extended telepathic tendrils to Earth. He was curious about Carol and Kent and their friends... Haze. Purple Haze. : But Zargon's tendrils found only Zelda Steve Ellen : Zargon recoiled his telepathic tendrils. They had already embarrassed him too much for one day. "Give me another martooni, bartender!" Mr Zaborskii : That was the sign of intoxication the bartender was looking for. "You've had enough martinis" he said, "it's time to either move on to the cocktails or leave the premises. I'll call a taxi ship." Ravenwand, Rising Star! : The elevator was not out of the plot line just yet. In a bloody smear, thousands of tiny Aprhomosquito larvae squirmed and roiled in the dry martian atmosphere. One of them made a grunting noise, and tiny wings sprouted from its grotesque, hunched back. Haze. Purple Haze. : Soon, the entire region was filled with an un-Earthly grunting cacophony. Then, the little buggers took flight. Chapter 2 - Tinkling Toddler Zelda Lou hoped she wouldn't give birth to a Klingon. Haze. Purple Haze. : Their ridged foreheads were a bitch to pass through the birth canal. Steve Ellen : And since the child would be going to Federation schools, it was almost sure to be hazed, bullied, ostracized and eventually stomped to death. And yet, emigration to Klingon territory was out of the question. She still had 49 payments to go on the aircar. Mr Zaborskii : Being Neptunian, she did a telepathic ultrasound and discovered the baby was nothing like a Klingon.Meanwhile the moon expedition was fleeing for their ship. The Aphromosquitos were infecting every life form on the Moon turning them into sex zombies! Ravenwand, Rising Star! : The first to be infected was Kent, since he was nearby the elevator. But that didn't make much of a difference, Kent acted like a sex zombie any way. Haze. Purple Haze. : Only now, various parts of his body were falling off at unfortunate or inappropriate times. The remaining expeditioners discovered something inside the ship. Flaming toast. No, sorry. They discovered the Aphromosquitos hadn't breached their hull... yet. Steve Ellen : Once they were all safely aboard the ship, they fired up their retro rockets and slowly lifted off the moon in a cloud of dust and burnt-alive mosquitos. "I think we made it," Carol said. Then they heard the ominous hum of a small flying insect. Haze. Purple Haze. : Just then, Ginger stepped into the main cabin. Her mouth was closed, but an eerie sound was emanating from a strange object that seemed to be orbiting her head. When she opened her mouth to speak, the humming ceased and the image disappeared. Steve Ellen : "What the hell is THAT?" Carol asked. "What is what?" Ginger replied. "Oh, you mean my holographic projection of a Martian Mosquito? Isn't it cool? I also bought one that does butterflies."" Haze. Purple Haze. : Someone was looking through the rear viewscreen. "There goes the first base. Whoooo!" Haze. Purple Haze. : Pforg, the Commander In Chief of the Schrumpflicker army, waited until the dust had settled before disembarking from his imperial battlecruiser, the Schrumpflicker Eponymous VI. Pforg wasn't the tallest of the Plickers. That didn't deter him. Steve Ellen : He stopped in his tracks. Deter him from what? "Why are we here?" he yelled at his second command who rolled his eyes and said, "Sir, did you not read the Battle Plan?" Steve Ellen : Pforg turned quite red and his chest swelled out proud. "You disrespectful young whippersnapper! Do you think insolence is allowed?" Haze. Purple Haze. : "It's pretty loud for me, Sir," his second replied meekly. Or maybe it was his attempt at humor. We simply don't know. Anyone whose ever tried to infiltrate the Schrumpflickers to determine if they indeed do laugh, have never returned. Steve Ellen : The Schrumpflickers never return anything. According to satellite images, they have over a hundred borrowed lawn mowers parked in their backyard. Dad : "The Battle Plan was quite obvious," Pforg said, unrolling it on the com table. "We are to attack here, here and here," he said jabbing his finger on the plan. A sickening crack of bone could be heard over the bridge. "And I think I've broken my finger." Steve Ellen : "I'll get you a medic. It's the pesky heavy earth gravity, Commander Pforg," said Lt Suckup, who was always trying to get on Pforg's good side. Unfortunately, Pforg didn't have one. Mr Zaborskii : "Are you saying I can't handle Earth gravity?!" Pforg yelled, "Off with your head!" What followed were a few moments of silence during which Lt Suckup cringed in terror. Haze. Purple Haze. : Luckily, it was just an Earth idiom Pforg had heard somewhere. The Schrumpflickers didn't really have what could be considered a head. Their torso extended up past their arms until it ended abruptly. The sounds they made came from holes in the torso. Steve Ellen : Despite Pforg's cluelessness, Lt Suckup, in his overeagerness to prepare for the mission, had studied Earth culture intensely, and so was aware of the earth meaning of "Off with your head!" From that moment on a distrust of Pforg began to grow within him. Total Displayed: 50 |
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