The old woman richochets off the fat man's shopping cart and bangs into the register. The register shoots open, slamming you in the gut which triggers another unfortunate rectal emanation.
However, this one is no SBD -- the blast is heard three registers over. The impact of the smell is instantaneous and overwhelming to anyone within 10 feet and is spreading fast.
Bellowing like a panicked cow, the gangsta grandma scrambles to her feet. Tears streaming from her smudgy eyes and flabby arms flapping, she desperately rams her entire 225 pounds into the fat man's cart. The large man stumbles, then crashes into the candy bar display. A four-year-old child immediately behind the melee screams briefly, wets his pants, then dives after a Hershey bar skittering up Aisle 6, his six-year-old sister in hot pursuit. Not wanting to be left out, kids waiting in other aisles begin knocking over candy bar aisles.
The chaos grows exponentially in the next few minutes. A heavy, wide-hipped Hispanic woman shouts a couple words at her chocolate-hunting kids, but slips on a puddle of yellow liquid, skids a few feet, then butt-crushes a pile of Milky Ways. She quickly gets up, but is then bowled over by gangsta grandma who is heading for the door. The mother falls again, but this time her massive nougat-covered booty slams directly on the fat man's head and chest.
The funk and farce in your aisle causes panic and chaos to spread like a shock wave from a nuclear blast. Other customers, apparently believing a meteor is coming, start ramming shopping carts into each other and into displays. An earsplitting crescendo of crashing cans, houseware products and toiletries join the sounds of shrieks, curses and threats. Rival gangs of teens are skirmishing with each other with dairy products on Aisle 4 while soccer moms battle each other for the last big can of Chef Boy-R-Dee ravioli on Aisle 17.
Produce, probably from Aisle 2, roll past your feet. Somewhere in the distance a lawnmower roars to life.
But if nothing else, you're professional. Maintaining your trademark calm composure, you raise yourself to full height and announce with unassailable courtesy:
"Excuse me."
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