Lauren’s mother is surprised by your offer to say the least, but once you promise to arrange everything and make sure that her daughter has a perfect day she is on board and excited about the idea. She offers to help you in any way that you want, but you want to do most of the planning yourself, each detail planned making you more and more excited for your impending digestion by a nine year old.

You reserve a local park for the location. You want an outdoor site to make sure that there is enough room for everyone you’re inviting. The invitations go out to virtually everybody. Lauren’s mother sends you a list of addresses for all of Lauren’s friends and their entire family, and you make sure to get all of your friends and family. “It’s a POO Party!” the front of the invitation reads in bright colors with the word “poo” spelled out in cartoon defecation. Inside it lists the details of time, date and location, saying “Come see 9 year old Lauren digest her teacher! It’s turd time for Troy!” You also make sure that the event is announced at Lauren’s school in homeroom, on your college campus radio station and on local cable access TV. It becomes clear that the party is going to be quite expensive to put together, but money doesn’t really matter to you; there’s not a lot to buy in the local sewer system.

Your friends and family call you over the next couple of days, concerned by the rumors they are hearing, not only that you are going to be eaten by a child, but that you are arranging and publicizing the entire thing. “It’s fine, Mom.” You say. “Come to the party, it’s going to be great!” Needless to say, everyone is getting a little bit confused.