Greetings and Salutations Willow Wolf !

I've just finished reading your story "Invalid Item" , and would like to share these comments with you.I took a peek at your portfolio and see that you are new to WdC. Sharing a similar username, I just had to read your story!

What I liked most: I am partial to fantasy, so I enjoyed the idea of assorted creatures like imps, demons, vampires and fae all living together. Your first sentence was simple but vivid enough to draw me in. You have some very nice descriptions in this piece, and one of my favorite lines was {color: orange}A trail of gold and black ribbons followed her with every movement, every step.

Concept: To be honest, I am not sure that I could describe the point of the story you told. It was a nicely descriptive piece about a unique girl at a ball told from the perspective of her adopted mother. I think the main issue with the story is that it is too short to accomplish all you put into it. As I read the information that they had found her alone after she was abandoned by a fae family, I assumed I would learn more of that tale which has a lot of promise. But you never came back to that part of the story...

And what character was what species seems to be somewhat important to you, but I was unclear who was what for most of it. I thought Lilian was fae at first, but I think she actually a vampire, correct? A vampire who does magic. The adopted parents are imps? Why was Lilian living with fae then? You give us a lot of interesting details, good descriptions, and sensory images like the smell of honeysuckle, but it doesn't get together nicely. I think you either need to expand the piece pretty significantly or eliminate some of the details that just confuse a reader without more background. You give us really too much background and not enough action. The climax as well as the ending involves Lilian turning a vampire into a rabbit. But I have no idea what that really has to do with Lilian or the narrating mother. The vambit line was cute, but not enough to pin a story on.

Character: As noted, I think Lilian could become a fascinating character, as well as the mother whose name we never learn. Still most of what we know about her is what you tell us about her physical description and her outward behavior. The mother is an interesting character as well, who seems to have something of a love/hate relationship with her husband (the King? King of what?) Why were her emotions being controlled. Why would she be a wreck if they weren't controlled? Why did they bring the vampire woman whom Lily transformed into their kingdom in the first place. I could ask you several more questions, but hopefully you see what I mean about having so many details in such a short piece. Again cut out some of the chaff so the wheat can show through, or expand the story at perhaps a bit slower pace so your reader has some emotional response time to bond with your characters.

Who is Blue? I assumed he was a hunting dog, but I wonder now if that is the husband, the King?


Setting: We are at a ball (held in Lily and Drakar's honor for their engagement? I am guessing here). Are we in a hall or in the woods?

Structure: A few points of polish here. If you include spaces between your paragraphs, it will make it easier for people to read and clarify your different story ideas better. Punctuation-wise it isn't too bad, but there are errors.

wise oak tree we called sister - sister should be capitalized as it is the tree's name.

She cried nearly every moment she was awake, unsure of a name, we just decided to call her Lilian, Lily for short. - Run-on comma spliced sentenced that should be broken up as the ideas have no connection.

Timid and stubborn as a child, it continued on into adulthood. - not sure what you mean by "it" here - her behavior? If so, you should say that as this is both grammatically incorrect as well as confusing.

Tired and worn from all the dancing I have already done I declined the invitation. - There were a couple of tense issues, but this was one example. It should be: dancing I had already done.

Other things to look for:

1. Too many adjectives. While describing visually is a strength of your story, more is not better. In many cases you use multiple describers as in beautiful wise oak tree, scared lost little girl, Timid and stubborn, Tired and worn, etc. Whenever possible use one word to describe and even better show us what she does so we the reader can determine she is timid and stubborn for ourselves by her actions and thoughts rather than by you the narrator telling us she is timid and stubborn at the same time.

2. Repetition in word choice. In such a short piece both characters "giggle." Circles is used 3 times and rabbit 4 times. Look for ways to change these up.

Overall Impression: While it now looks like all I did was poke holes in your story, it is most definitely not junk! I think with some time and effort this would be a very creative and interesting story. I would suggest taking each paragraph on its own, separating out logically distinct pieces and make sure that there are no obvious questions left unanswered. Then expand a bit so that the pieces transition smoothly and give us time to love your characters.

Of course, writing is a very personal thing, and this review represents only my opinions. Please use what helps you and disregard the rest. I appreciate you sharing your story with me, and if anything I wrote was confusing, please free to write me back for more clarification.

This review was provided in affiliation with the Paper Doll Gang, a group dedicated to providing quality reviews and helping new members learn their way around.

Keep writing and may the muse shine on your efforts!

Thanks,
Laurie