I'm not a professional, just a fellow WDC member who does reviews to improve my own writing and hopefully be of service to others. All suggestions are simply my own opinion to be used or discarded as you see fit.
TYPE: Short Story LENGTH: 967 Words
CONCEPT & TITLE Janice and the In-Crowd – Janice, who lives in a low-rent district with Guy, is attending a high class university. She wants to move up in life and dresses the part. Every weekend, she fools her friends by having them drop her off far from where she really lives.
I enjoyed the concept of a young woman working hard to get ahead, and imagined it as a lead-in to a longer story where Janice finally dumps her do-nothing friends, finishes her studies, and succeeds in the business world.
STRUCTURE You've arranged the tale in a logical and clear manner. I thought it was engaging and had a strong emotional pull. The story would benefit with less telling (she did) and more showing, but it was easy to follow and made a point.
CHARACTERS At first, I thought Janice was smarter than she turns out to be. Her strong work ethic and careful manners suggested someone with independent ambition, not the following type that she really was who reduced herself by living with a slob like Guy. Her character was likable, but not very empathetic.
I thought the parking lot attendant was fresh and likable. You made his interaction with Janice very interesting. His character stood out in the story.
DIALOGUE The dialogue was well done and sounded believable and consistent, especially Guy's.
They don't understand the working class life. (word choice suggestion for clairty)
Janice thought of her friends; the people who dropped her off (the second part is a fragment; join with semicolon or comma as an appositive)
No oneNobody else waited for the train at this time of day. (word choice suggestion)
behind the mountains,Sheand walked from the train station (suggest joining these two sentences)
The studio smelled of stale beer, and from the open bathroom (compound sentence needs comma)
She pulled one of the blankets off the bed,and wrapped it around her,so she couldand curled up on the loveseat after brushing off chips crumbs. (structure suggestion for better flow and clarity of action)
The next morning, Janice showered. She put on comfortable clothes to go and pick up her clothes from the dry cleaners. She paid the bill without flinching. She went to the salon to get her manicure and her hair done before going back home. (there are too many "she did something" in a row; suggest a rewrite, something like:) The next morning, Janice showered and dressed casually to pick up her clothes from the dry cleaners. She paid the bill without flinching, then headed for the salon for a manicure and hairdo before returning home.
Once again, Guy would have to shoulder the cost for next month's rent alone. Again. (sentence structure suggestion to avoid fragment)
OVERALL This was a satisfying read and a story well told. Nice job!
FAVORITE PART We had so much time and money on our hands, we never thought real life was going to kick in.