Hello, blue jellybaby is BLUE! !

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ID: 1738620   (Rated: E) The Writers Garden  A group for those of you who love to write and review! Come inside, I'll make a brew... by sgrace39 is my new rising star

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.

The rhythm in this poem was very smooth throughout - something I always seem to have trouble with in rhyming poems. One of the hardest things about rhyming poems with consistent rhythms like this, though, are avoiding awkward line breaks, incorrect/weird grammar to fit, etc. I think that's what makes rhyming poems so difficult technically, beyond simply coming up with words that rhyme and flow.

Something you might want to consider when working on some of the kinks is not having a consistent rhythm. While the title is ebb and flow, the constant rhyme scheme and rhythm made this seem more like a build-up. I'd either play around with really embodying the ebb and flow in the whole poem or change the title and second line.

In the second stanza, consider "coursing". In the second line, "ensues," without the r. In the third line, consider "This feeling". This fixes some of the grammar issues.

In the third stanza, the "breathing succumbs" seems a bit unexplained. Where you trying to control it before? You were already breathless in the first stanza. Watch continuity issues. Also, love the extra rhyme of "thrum" in here. Those little extras and details really enhance the way certain stanzas can be read - and this works great here.

The fourth stanza feels out of place altogether. Actually upon reading this a second time, the build-up felt much more epic without it. It's quite awkward as well reading it. Also, you already have a "the feeling I get" stanza, the second one, so this one seems superfluous for that reason as well.

In the fifth stanza, again, there's a bit of conflict between a few lines. In the first stanza "Do you know?" and in this stanza "You have no idea" - I know it's an expression, but I'd still consider something else there. I was also not fond of the "my heart does flips" line.

The last two stanzas seem to be written by someone different than the first two. The use of "baby" and "honey" just give a way different vibe than before. I'm not sure how well I can describe the two people talking - but the first one is more timid, though not entirely so, while the second voice is one of the "go-getter" types IMO. Ugh. That's not right either. Do you get what I mean?

Overall, I think this definitely has potential, and I know revising rhyming poems is sometimes such a chore to maintain both rhyme and rhythm. I wish you the best of luck!

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


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