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Writing.Com Time

Saturday
June 2, 2012
1:35am EDT


By Online Authors
jackrawlins's Portfolio!

Preferred Author
Offline or Private
Last Online: Yesterday

Est. April 25, 2007
Smiling Jack
I'm a tough old coot with a soft heart. I've romped and rumbled with the rowdiest, but I easily mist up at both happy and sad occasions. I like to make people (including me) feel, think, and laugh. I've had lots of opportunities. I'm a USN veteran of the Korean War, a graduate of Temple U., and I've enjoyed over half a century in marketing, advertising, public relations, sales, and (currently) freelance writing.
Highlighted Items:

Email Order Groom  [13+]   3.7 KB
A new groom suffers culture shock at his first Thanksgiving.

The Turkey Talker  [18+]   6.9 KB
Maud Snorkel gives a turkey a stay of execution.

Give Thanks You Are Not Us  [13+]   3.7 KB
A turkey offers his perspective on common turkey raising practices.

How Her Knit Got Caught in the Wringer  [13+]   4.6 KB
A day in the life of a little knit octopus. Who, what, why, when and how it happened.

Trashing February  [------]   5.1 KB
A "leapter" despot decides to skip February

Let's Make a Baby  [13+]   0.7 KB
A lady student asks a male classmate for help with a project.

Crotch Shot Academy  [13+]   5.8 KB
A comedian losses his sense of humor and struggles to make a comeback.

When Is Momma Coming Home?  [E]   5.1 KB
This is a story about the death of a child's mother told from the child's point of view.

Tooter Tabasco & The Hotties Xmas Redux  [18+]   4.2 KB
An orchestra of "has beens" tries for a comeback via a free performance.

Zoo Buddies  [13+]   5.4 KB
An elephant and giraffe discuss the Santa Barbara snow leopard festival.

Give Thanks You Are Not Us  [13+]   3.7 KB
A turkey offers his perspective on common turkey raising practices.

The Whip Mistress  [18+]   2.9 KB
A wealthy entrepreneur describes her business model as the key to her success.

Missing for Action  [13+]   5.4 KB
A cat calls on cat cliche's to tell of his adventures.

While Strollilng Through the Park...  [18+]   5.5 KB
A gentleman meets a lady in the park working on her tan.

My Epitaph  [E]   28.0 KB
Write your own epitaph before it's too late to edit.

Lockdown at Alley-opp Girls' High  [18+]   4.1 KB
A security officer gets mobbed when he tries to breakup a fight.

The Flush of Success  [13+]   3.3 KB
Potty training is a challenge. Just ask the children. Here's one child's perspective.

The Gospel According to Izzy Schwartz  [13+]   3.8 KB
This is not a politically correct version of creation of the internet.

'Tis the Season for Some Folly  [18+]   5.8 KB
A gentleman meets a very strange lady at the Oak Bar.

Lucky Eddie & the Little Black Cloud  [13+]   5.3 KB
A man out for a Sunday walk is pursued by a little black cloud that changes his life.

The Cheerios Incident  [18+]   5.2 KB
A mother and teenage son have a somewhat heated discussion about one of his friends.

 Butterflies on the Oprah Show  [18+]   5.4 KB
Oprah releases three hundred butterflies on her show and keeps one on as a guest..

It Was a Dark & Stormy Afternoon When...  [18+]   3.3 KB
Ignoring concerns for his safety, an early researcher discovers a shocking truth.

Nothing But Lint in My Pocket  [18+]   4.4 KB
A gentleman has a close encounter of the best kind, that almost had an unhappy ending.

A Good Pair of Drawers Is Hard to Find  [13+]   5.0 KB
An exercise instructor has a coming out party

The Exit Interview  [13+]   6.8 KB
Not everyone appreciates Ziggy's sense of humor. Will he ever understand why they don't?

A Frog He Would A-wooing Go...mmm...mmm  [18+]   4.2 KB
A tale of romance told from a frog's perspective

Drusba Dry Soda Introduced  [18+]   3.7 KB
A manufacturer briefs media reps about a revolutionary approach to soft drinks.

Jack's Journal  [E]   5.4 KB
A day in the life of a rodent control novice.

Impulse Control  [18+]   4.9 KB
An impulse control therapist counsels a phone caller.

"Ah, the Luck of the Jewish!"  [18+]   6.0 KB
An importer of Irish products, ends up owning a pub in Blarney.

Jill O’Smiley:TV Shanker-Woman  [13+]   4.4 KB
A TV anchor gets superpowers after a transfusion.

A New Begining  [E]   2.7 KB
The world has changed drastically. Time for a new start.

National Scoundrel's Day  [E]   2.6 KB
A card company introduces another industry money-maker

Orientation  [13+]   4.8 KB
A new class is welcomed by the headmaster who outlines what they should expect.

The Last Buffet  [13+]   2.8 KB
An unhappy employee is forced to attend an industry function with her new boss.

The Firing Squad of Pedagogy  [E]   3.0 KB
The grammar police catch a repeat offender and he is sentenced to die.

The Expatriates  [E]   5.8 KB
Eight squirrels crash Bernie's fortieth birthday party.

Peter Panned  [E]   3.6 KB
An actor with a special gift auditions for a musical parody of Peter Pan.

The Bilingual Kitty  [E]   4.4 KB
A kitty gets bounced about while she seeks love and comfort.

How to stay put while you escape winter  [18+]   4.4 KB
Dr. Innuendo offers advice to combat seasonal affective disorder.

The Zambia Hippo Census of 2009  [13+]   2.8 KB
A participant in the annual hippo census gets shafted by a native.

The Selection Process  [13+]   3.7 KB
A man can't cope with being in love with twins.

Giggleworm Wiggles Her Way Out  [13+]   3.2 KB
Dr. Frank N. Stein creates a a creature that is laughable on demand.

 Joe Mistletoe and the Star Trek Bike  [13+]   4.2 KB
An businessman partners with an orangutan in a unique enterprise

The Panty Rescue that Made Patty Famous   [18+]   4.0 KB
In the 50's college panty raids were a fad. This story's about a student who fought back.

Does This Make Me Look Fat?  [13+]   3.4 KB
A male columnist offers advice to a man in trouble for a dumb remark.

Hymie the Rhymer's Big Score  [18+]   5.8 KB
A private investigator redeems a chit of gratitude.

The Turkey Talker  [18+]   6.9 KB
Maud Snorkel gives a turkey a stay of execution.

Stuff the Magic Dragon  [13+]   3.3 KB
A new video game is very successful until the musical director gets greedy.

"Hey Guys. Watch This!"  [13+]   3.7 KB
A class show off is put down with a slam dunking.

The Short Way to Tipperary  [18+]   11.2 KB
Bizarre things happen to a gentleman when he gets lost on a shortcut to Tipperary.

Lawrence of Suburbia  [13+]   3.7 KB
A suburbanite becomes an explorer for one day and makes an important discovery.

The Jeans-Tucker  [13+]   2.1 KB
A new invention, destined for oblivion, is announced by optimistic marketers.

Conversational Magic  [13+]   5.2 KB
A couple cope with a power outage that may last a long time.

This I Believe  [E]   1.6 KB
An eighty-year old man reflects on the influence of the Boy Scouts on his life,

The Phantom Defecator  [13+]   22.9 KB
A serial defecator proves an illusive quarry for the Lestchester police.

Uncle Charlie's Bentley  [18+]   3.7 KB
Uncle Charlie is a crusty character, but a generous one who loves his nephew.

The Express Lane  [ASR]   0.5 KB
A gentleman handles rude behavior in a non gentle manner.

Something Special for the Elves  [13+]   0.5 KB
Mrs. Claus offers an unexpected benefit to Santa's helpers.

Santa Wants a New Job  [E]   3.6 KB
Santa would like a new job--as long as it's not too taxing.

Santa's Last Trip  [13+]   6.1 KB
Santa is temporarily grounded when he loses the key to his sleigh

When the Dragons Came to Barney Castle  [ASR]   3.8 KB
Three old dragons make an anti-social call on an old adversary.

Jimmy the Scammer  [E]   3.4 KB
Jimmy sets a good example of what not to do in a job interview.

Email Order Groom  [13+]   3.7 KB
A new groom suffers culture shock at his first Thanksgiving.

Teddy's Spin Doctor  [E]   3.1 KB
The Presidents ratings are down. He wants them up.

A Rant from the Deep  [E]   3.1 KB
Look out! The world's whale population is ready to fight back.

Mr. Hornswoggle’s Claxophonectomy  [13+]   4.1 KB
A surgeon removes a politician's trouble-making gland.

Sinner Ella  [18+]   10.4 KB
When Ella attends the Prince's ball, she leaves minus one of her Prada Pumps.

Circumcise-able Evidence  [18+]   3.7 KB
A man is called from hell by a former buddy who wants him to get rid of some evidence.

Missonary Stew  [13+]   11.7 KB
A short order cook is recruited by a powerful despot to join his kitchen staff.

The Great White Truffle of Alba  [E]   5.3 KB
The adventures of a truffle hunter and his dog.

Happy Birthday, Bernie  [13+]   3.7 KB
A gentleman has a revealing chat with his mirror on his fortieth birthday..

Pecker Head  [13+]   3.6 KB
A chat between two gentlemen standing next to one another in the men's room.

My Son, the Pornographer  [18+]   7.0 KB
A writer of erotica wants his mother's approval

A Gift to Remember  [18+]   3.4 KB
A nephew gives his uncle a gift that is lively, touching and memorable.

The Day Tonto Got Axed  [18+]   3.6 KB
The Lone Ranger decides to can Tonto.

The Magic Garden of Eating  [E]   3.8 KB
A farm marketer is questioned by produce.

It’s Not Always Fun to be King  [18+]   3.6 KB
King George reviews the “Declaration of Independence” with Thomas Jefferson.

Turf War in the Pine Barrens  [18+]   17.4 KB
Two campers save their special place from destruction.

Beauty and The Beach  [13+]   4.3 KB
An old guy tells a lady he's a movie producer. Is he?

Albert's Day of Infamy  [E]   4.5 KB
Albert's first day of kindergarten is his worst day.

 Praying Mantis Visits a Sex Therapist  [18+]   3.4 KB
A praying mantis visits a therapist to discuss his concerns about mating.

Forsooth  [13+]   3.7 KB
A contest judge and contributor discuss the issue of response time.

The Friendly Red-Eye Special  [13+]   0.8 KB
A witch is brooming it to a meeting in Salem, MA when Boston police hold up her flight.

How Herman Lost His Hymen  [18+]   7.6 KB
A young woman is troubled by a promise to her fiance that she can no longer honor.

Doing the Right Thing  [13+]   3.2 KB
An entrepreneur with a talent for expediting business deals gets screwed.

The Chicken Whisperer  [13+]   6.3 KB
A man terrorized by a large flock of scary chickens calls Animal Control for help..

A Toast  [13+]   1.9 KB
A Mother's Day tribute from a loving son.

Prepping for the Vegas Strip  [13+]   0.8 KB
Talented triplets launch their act and careers as show dancers.

Travels with a Booger Man  [18+]   3.1 KB
Sometimes when you're driving a passenger's habits can be annoying.

Family Ties Without Goodbyes  [18+]   2.9 KB
A college student home for Spring Break takes on a special project.

Why Charlie Married the Pole Dancer  [18+]   6.6 KB
A rich gentleman's sister tries to discourage his marriage to a professional dancer.

The Phew! Not Chosen  [13+]   3.6 KB
Passengers in a crowed elevator are pitched by an expert on flatulence control.

Sorry About That  [13+]   0.7 KB
Vesuvius takes the heat for the Pompeii disaster.

My Space or Yours?  [13+]   3.3 KB
A male colleague gets too close for a lady's comfort.

Uncle Charlie's Balls  [18+]   6.5 KB
A distributor of novelties finds a way to fight foreign competition.

A Sensitive Tough Guy  [18+]   3.1 KB
A rough dude objects to his lady's description of his personality.

How I'm Saving Gas Money  [E]   0.7 KB
A tornado dumps a house trailer and its owner in a new location.

Who's Who?  [18+]   3.4 KB
A lost all terrain vehicle driver ends up in a haunted house

The Smoking Lamp Is Out  [E]   0.8 KB
Entry for 99 word short story contest

"An Endless Winter"  [13+]   5.0 KB
A house guest becomes quite annoying after and extended visit.

Sam's Soliloquy  [13+]   2.2 KB
A very loose parody of Hamlet’s “To Be or Not To Be”soliloquy.

A Bad Feather Day  [E]   0.6 KB
Entry for the 99 word story contest.

My Twenty-Fifth High School Reunion  [13+]   3.2 KB
A former loser shows up for the class reunion as a multi-millionaire.

Making Granddaddy Farcus Proud  [18+]   3.2 KB
A new manager proves he has talent for selling lingerie.

The Stay at Home Husband  [18+]   7.2 KB
Jerry keeps the home fires burning while his attorney wife brings home the bacon.

Happy Hour at Harry's Bar  [18+]   6.5 KB
Pssst! Eavesdrop on this boozy tête-à-tête between new friends.

Who Conked Cock Robin  [13+]   6.7 KB
A fisherman meets a robbing hood.

Water Everywhere...but Not Enough  [13+]   13.2 KB
A professor says global warming can save the world.

Dork Bans Birthday Parties  [13+]   3.3 KB
A despotic ruler decides that birthday parties are passe.

Ziggy's Magnum Opus  [13+]   3.7 KB
A member's solid idea for a Writer's Cramp Birthday Gift melts in the face of reason.

The Igloo  [13+]   5.7 KB
A ten-year old has a spat with is best friend, but works things out in the snow.

When the Lounge Lizard Met the Nympho  [18+]   11.8 KB
A gigolo tries valiantly to save his marriage to a rich and lovely nymphomaniac.

It's Christmas Brag-Letter Time  [18+]   8.4 KB
A satire of Holiday letters that review a family's accomplishments.

We Lost and It's the Cheerleaders' Fault  [13+]   3.7 KB
A back-up quarter back blows his big chance at stardom and blames the team's cheerleaders.

Ah Vengence! How Sweet It Is!  [18+]   7.5 KB
A relationship between a male vet and a lady vet turns into a vendetta.

The Spin Doctor at Mehew Medical Center  [18+]   11.1 KB
A public relations man's plan to fix an institution's image suffers from poor execution.

A Recipe for Death  [13+]   4.4 KB
A day of fishing becomes a day of tragedy.

"Ah One and Ah Two" Brain Surgery  [13+]   3.8 KB
The operation was a success, the results a mixed blessing.

The Clog Party Riot in Piney Hollow  [13+]   3.7 KB
An "Oops!" moment sparks a little riot among the good old boys.

A Letter from Angie  [13+]   5.0 KB
An old flame tracks down her lover who is now a successful GYN.

 Post Menopausal Prom & Birthday Party  [13+]   6.6 KB
Seniors whoop it up with Maud as she starts enjoying The Lord's bonus time.

A Sunday Morning Slice of Life  [13+]   4.1 KB
One is insensitive, the other selfish, but this couple manages to get along.

The Tokyo Choo Choos  [13+]   5.8 KB
Two ladies help a couple of admen forget they've just been scammed.

The First Party Pooper  [13+]   4.3 KB
The Baron of Bafoonery becomes the first to earn a dubious title.

 Echo Plans for Writing.com's Birthday  [ASR]   4.1 KB
The Party Chairman outlines the program to entertain and enlighten authors and readers.

Just a Little White Lie  [13+]   3.3 KB
Fib becomes fact for this happy lady and she keeps the secret.

Big Diddle and the Welcome Wagon Lady  [13+]   12.3 KB
A blackjack card counter moves to Atlantic City where he has problems with a neighbor..

Uncle Charlie's Accident  [13+]   2.9 KB
Spell-check is not goof proof. It can miss important typos as shown in this little story.

Uncle Charlie's Catch-22  [13+]   3.7 KB
A couple inherit a $10 million dollar asset ---with strings attached.

Acne to the Rescue  [13+]   5.0 KB
A convenience store manager's little problem is responsible for foiling a robbery.

How to Execute a Low-Hangng Full Moon  [13+]   3.9 KB
Dr. Lotta Innuendo offers advice on one of man's most eloquent expressions.

Uncle Charlie's Legacy  [13+]   3.3 KB
A rich uncle leaves a young man a Caribbean Island

Semi Road Rage  [13+]   3.2 KB
A couple in a rental car have a flat and a little tiff on the Maine Turnpike.

Coitus Interruptus among The Wieners  [18+]   27.5 KB
Bizarre and shocking revelations about the mores of a strange species of aborigines

A Eulogy for Ding Dong Dell  [13+]   2.5 KB
A tribute to a computer that meets an untimely end

Judy, Judy,Judy  [E]   4.6 KB
Two teenage guys with horses enjoy a week in the woods together.

Forget it, Mr. Mensa  [E]   1.3 KB
Quote contest: ” Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.”

Save the World: Give a Rat's Ass  [13+]   5.7 KB
The founder of a proactive organization seeks social change with unique concept.

No Room for Nepotism  [13+]   1.1 KB
Town drunk tells his son to find work elsewhere

Aesop's Follies  [E]   2.7 KB
Diogenes and Aesop discuss some of Aesop's work.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do  [13+]   4.4 KB
A psychoanalyst struggles with her own relationship.

Perry Winkle's Escort Service  [18+]   4.3 KB
Perry is a business man with a group of ladies who take clients where they want to travel.

Enjoying Art for Art's Sake  [18+]   2.2 KB
A gentleman tries to convince his lady to visit a club with adult entertainment.

Keep Your Hands to Yourself  [13+]   5.2 KB
And agent is ordered to take a bus trip to nowhere.

A Dachshund's Summer of Contentment  [13+]   6.7 KB
A doxie tells why he really digs the Jersey Shore and his family.

Why You Should Let Your Grass Grow  [13+]   2.8 KB
A tree service owner uses his Paul Bunyan chipper to make a point

Fourth of July Eve  [13+]   2.5 KB
A rocket thinks he’d rather not be part of the fireworks display.

Thanks a Lot Dad  [13+]   2.4 KB
A son pulls his dad's chain a little before thanking him for everything.

Cover Up  [E]   1.8 KB
How much should you tip? A daughter and waitress has some ideas.

 Brief Interview with the Marque de Sade  [13+]   0.9 KB
A snippet. A tough reporter asks the master meanie a few tough questions.

The Wiener People: Origin of the Species  [13+]   6.7 KB
An anthropologist documents discovery and naming of a new race.

The Wiener People at Head of the River  [18+]   12.5 KB
An old salt tells his grandson of a scary encounter with nasty Wieners.

How to Become a Daddy for Fun and Profi  [13+]   6.0 KB
Lotta Innuendo offers tips for interesting part time work as a sperm donor.

A Minicourse in Intercourse  [13+]   1.5 KB
A little father-son chat that makes a point about word usage

Customer Relationship Management  [13+]   3.1 KB
Harry's customer relationship management was based on tough love.

Omar, My Man---Get a Job  [13+]   2.3 KB
A Persian tent-maker wants his son to focus on another career.

Happy Mother's Day Moms to Both of You  [13+]   1.9 KB
Mother and step mother are remembered via internet provider HOL (Heaven on Line).

 Easter Egg Hunt Champ Suffers Loss  [13+]   2.4 KB
Fourth grade military history major, uses strategy to defeat title holder.

"Good Friday" Bad Day for Felon  [13+]   2.8 KB
An illusive Wedgy Plucker is nabbed on church steps.

Easter Egg Hunt Champ to Defend Title  [13+]   5.8 KB
Satire of sport reporter's interview and sportsman like conduct.

Is There an Easter Bunny?  [13+]   2.7 KB
This is a parody of the "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause" letter.