But, I lost my interest in that topic...
Why should I bore you about things which are obvious?
Ok, pc is back and the other topics are really pretty unimportant.

I more want to tell you about my dreams.
No, I don´t want to tell you, what I dreamed.
I just want to tell you that I dreamed about my soulbrother, my friend.
I dreamed a dream that you all would find scary, but I just felt, that I´m just back on the track.
That my mind is working again the right way.
That I´m able to enjoy myself (ok, ok, I said that already and often enough, sorry)
And, not the way I dreamed the dream, but the way I was connected with my soulbrother in that dream, the dream came true.
It happened already two times this year. I dreamed something and a few days later it came true in a way.
The last dream was about illness with an happy ending. About two persons feeling the same pain and one is there to keep the pain away. Like the old shamane or druids can do that.
And, a few days later I was told by the doctor, that I´m cancer free.
Something that I got connected a few days later.
The funny thing (or not so funny thing) was, that it wasn´t me, who was in trouble, no, I was the one who took the pain away.
Anyway, normally I would have been awake with a lot of disturbing feelings and scared to death.
But this time I woke up and thought Oh, what a dream. This was a weird, but a good one and had a big smile on my face.
But this dream impressed me that much, that I had to write it down and wrote 13 sites.
But, to tell about the details it would be to private.
Maybe, one day, I can show it to you, my soulbrother and you know what I´m talking about.

I wish you all wonderful dreams and that only the good one come true.

anna



 

well, there is none... but hopefully on friday, but still no real date fixed with my friend about that...

anna
 

It is still cold and grey outside, but I feel like summer and dancing.
I saw my doctor today and he had the best news for me, someone like me can get.
No new cancer cells did grow.
My throat is cancer free. The cells, which did grow the last time seems to be scar tissue.
The option he gave me already the last time I visited him for that (half a year ago).But, he wasn´t really sure about that and really worried.
Normally, when I visit him, he looks really scared about me and my health. He knows, I´m a fighter and that I´m the master in ignoring the warning signs. But, I never missed a date for the sonographie since I had the surgery behind me.
And, always, a few days before it comes to that date I get scared to death.
I feel that my heart is cramping and this little creep fear is running loopings in my body.
I fear to see him looking at me again, shocked and don´t know, how to tell me, that it will be worse again.
I feel more sorry for him than for me, when I see his face like that.
He looks so lost and I always want to give him a head up.
Funny, because I´m the one who should be worried.
Well, to be honest... I am... I´m always worried to death, when it comes to that date.
But, this morning everything seemed to be different.
He put the sono head on my throat and we were talking about something else. It took him about two minutes, than he gave me the tissue to get rid of the sono gel and I said: Oh, that was fast. Everthing alright?
He looked me straight in the eyes, smiling and he said. It looks fantastic. Nothing is grown anymore
I couldn´t believe it. So I asked again
That, what you´ve seen the last time. It isn´t grown anymore? Really?
He said again: Yes, still that small. So I think it is just scar tissue. Ok, we can´t be 100% sure and there is still a small option that it might be a little lump, but I don´t think so
We both smiled and I was stumbling out of the doctor´s practice, because I couldn´t believe it.
I was very quiet the whole day. There was so much going on in my head. But, deep inside of me, I´m the happiest and luckiest woman in the world.

anna
 

Still nothing fixed on my computer, yet...

Hope I get it fixed tomorrow....
Why didn´t I buy myself a mac...grrrrr.... I know, I know, t42, you sayed that so often

anna
 

... that my computer won´t be fixed until next week....

Ooohhhh, that just not fair.... but, than again... during carnival I don´t have much time for the internet anyway

See you around

anna
 

... that my computer won´t be fixed until next week....

Ooohhhh, that just not fair.... but, than again... during carnival I don´t have much time for the internet anyway

See you around

anna
 

... that my computer won´t be firxed until next week....

Ooohhhh, that just not fair.... but, than again... during carnival I don´t have much time for the internet anyway

See you around

anna
 

Catched a trojan bug and now somthing strange happened...
I can get into the internet, but the explorer says it doesn´t work anymore....
Shame, I missed it to download Modzilla to update my virus scanner...
Why I didn´t do that before is a long story, but, if anybody has an idea, how to help me on that one, it will be much appreciated....

Sitting here on the pc at work and I know, that I don´t have the chance to get it fixed before next week, because it´s carnival in town and that is some kind of positive exceptional circumstances around this area....
No work (only the REALimportant things) will be done before wednesday, if you know what I mean.....

anna

 

Today I dared to listen to you again, my friend...
I was afraid of doing this over the last month, because I thought, I couldn´t stand the pain of not having you around anymore...
But, to my surprise it was nothing like that.
Your voice was covering me and the times we had came just back...
And, instead of the big hurt it was like a warm summer breath in my neck...
You are still there for me, when I need you, I just have to think about you...
It felt like coming home and as if you asked me. Hey, girl, where have you been over the last month?
You were bringing back all the good time travels we had around europe...
You brought me back to the state of feeling good...
I´m ready for the world again, yeah
And, this is not only the side affect of the first sun beams of the spring.
No, it´s ME again...
Pure and thoroughgoing...
And it feels so good...
You and the memories, that still did hurt last week are back for the smile in my heart.
It doesn´t hurt any longer. No, it still feels good.
I don´t have to pray these words like a mantra any longer, I can feel these words.

Maybe I needed this year of going thru hell, because I didn´t let me go to hell after my scary surgery.
Maybe I needed the depression after finding and loosing me, just to find out that I can do everything I want. I just have to try...

I live MY life now and not yours anymore...
And, you make it easier, because I can see that you like me, when I´m ME and not that creepy monster drowning in self pity...
But, I know, you know all about this as you were gone thru this hell aswell. You´re just stronger than me, my friend. Maybe because you´re older than me and wiser.
Or maybe just, because you are who you are.

Thanks for giving my soul a home, my friend and thank you for welcome me there with open arms and a warm and inviting smile...

And thanks for all my friends who were going thru this with me and holding my hands and keep me away from the worst that could´ve happened and I don´t want to speak out loud here. Without you all (three persons were there for me, holding me... you know who you are and maybe you don´t know what you´ve done for me, but without you I would never ever found my way out of this hell) I don´t know, what would´ve happen to me...

Have a bright and wonderful sunday you all and I hope you all are up for only good things

anna
 

I feel it in my bones,soul and mood...
Yeah, survived my birthday with only a short time depression, just like I said it will be...

I feel good and up for touching the sky.
I feel like I want to dance...
I feel like I want to laugh...
I feel like I want to flirt...
I feel like I´m up for the good things...

I feel like I´ll do all this very soon...

Oh, I feel like I´ve to write, write, write... so, if there will be no update for a while you know why...
But, maybe I feel like I´ve to write something here...
Dunno, yet...

Wish you all a great weekend and that you all feel the warmth of the sun in your hearts even it is raining outside...

Feel the spring... and smile...

anna