I have been so mad this week. I hate being me. It's a time when I hate everything around me for what I've been put through. A son in jail, an ungrateful daughter, and a husband that makes me so mad I just want to scream. It's hot outside. Everyone is feeling this way. The only thing I love is my flower garden where I can escape to pull weeds, water, and pamper something living. The rest, I don't want to be around, they are making me sick, depressed, unruly, nothing a pill can cure. I try with everyone to be the best I can I give over to them and meanwhile I widdle away until me is gone. In its place is this person who only tries to make others happy. I am tired of it. I want to scream and say take care of me! I don't like the eyes that look at me in the store. I don't want anything. I love my dogs. They love me without conditions. The rest they can go to hell. Not a Christian look at things but even Christ got angry with people!
 

Well, I haven't visited my BLOG lately, I'll bet it missed me. Well, I was busy at work trying to get enough GP"S to get a premium membership. I don't know why I have to get one so big. I guess it's the fact that one day I'm going to try and do the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and that's to create a webpage. Of course, I'll probably have to get a book to help me design one. I am looking forward to creating. I think I'll never be satisfied in life unless I have something new, something to challege me!

I saw the first lightening bug of the season last night. We were so glad to have a little bit of rain. When the lightening bugs are close to the ground that's what it usually means is that it is going to rain. It reminds me of the south and why I fell in love with it.

Ya'll take care and get out and enjoy this summer weather.......Diane
 

The deep dark depression is hitting me again. I am getting so mad at everything. I procrastinate until I want to tell everyone what a fake I am. Why do I put things off so much? Why do my loved ones want to point the finger at me? I'm all broke out I don't know if it is Shingles, I've had them before, or poison ivy. Whatever it is driving me crazy. I have to get to my regular doctor. I haven't had any tests like a manogram, nothing! I don't want to get out of the house.

I ask you, my friends, to send me some positive thoughts. I need to grow like my flowers are doing.

I rest my case, I want to meet my needs, not do like I've done in the past. I think one of the reasons I do what I do is to fail. Just fail because that's what they expect.
 

My mind is racing and I'm remembering whatever people say to me and hanging on to it for dear life. I'm eating and gaining weight like there is no tomorrow. I hate myself when I get like this. I'm trying to write a book with another person but when I don't hear from her I panic and think the worst things. Oh, woe is me again. Up those antidepressants, Diane.
 

Spent a few days with my Mom. I think it helped her to talk and be with me after Chris pulled his escapade with her. I have to see him tomorrow which will take most of the day but I am not allow what he has done to consume my life like I have in the past. If you can't pay the time don't do the crime.
D
 

I am making my days brighter not only by what the theapist says but because each day is a gift. I am going to refuse to be depressed on these days when the sun is warming my face, the birds are singing, and my flowers look at me in such a way I want to blush!
I still am stiff and hurt when I wake up. My Mother still tries to make my life difficult. She is hard of hearing but instead of dealing with it she acts like I am not talking loud enough. Then when I raise my voice she thinks I am mad. How can two people be so different but love each other? It's beyond me!
 

Today was such a good day. Wonder if the antidepressants are kicking in or just enough ADHD medicine. Who knows but if it keeps up I'll be up there on Cloud Nine, remember The Temptations? They used to sing about it! If not maybe Huey Lewis "I need a new Drug" anyway I'm better. That's important.

I got my hands in the dirt after a huge rain. It felt wonderful. I pulled up some weeds. Planted some Holly hocks. Looked at all my other flowers that are coming fast out of the ground. There's just something about watching plants grow that thrills me. I even love the little sweet potato that I put in a mason jar that has a wired hanger on it. I have a greenhouse window in my kitchen so I hung it on a little hook and there are green shoots everywhere. I guess when you are depressed and you see something coming out of the ground with just a little soil, water, sun, and a faithful caregiver and you grow. Much like we do. Women need very little to make them happy. I really believe that men could have women eating out of their hand if they just did a few little things. Like picking a bouquet of wildflowers for Valentine's Day instead of buying them. My Dear Husband used to go visit the dumpster's at the wholesale florist in town after big holidays and get tons of free flowers. He would then go to the little elderly people in the neighborhood and bring them flowers to arrange for their homes. Oh, what smiles they had when they saw him with his arm loads of flowers. The shops just throwing them away. For years my house smelled like a funeral home. Ha!
Well, must check my email account.
Wishing ya'll days like this one! And more....
 

Oh, when it rains it pours. My daughter, precious and beautiful she is decide she would call me a BITCH today. I wish she were my Mom's daughter and did this about 39 years ago. Miss Kim, pretty or not, would have picked herself off the floor....Oops...she slid down . She's 24 and moved back home about 6 months ago to go back to college. Oh, it's too hard on her to get a job and go to school! I had 2 jobs, one at the college that she's going to, part time at J.C.Penny and went to school..oh, and had a family. She watched all of this because she was 11 years old. Why do you think that she says I made good grades and had the family thing and jobs going on? EASY! I bullshitted my way through especially all the awards I won in college.

I am so anci I can't hardly have enough concentration to do my emails. I just want to punch her. I should feel sorry for her she cried all not long. Probably out of guilt because when I told her to get some ice cream for me at the store she came back with things to put in her fridge. Talk about the cost of living! For $35 I got 1 gallon of milk, 12 pk of Dr. Pepper, and well, folks that's it! Although because she called me a bitch she did throw $20 back which is going in my pocket.

Well, I've gripped enough about life.
 

The entry title of this day's BLOG is for those of you who do not know yet that there is no one in this world you can control. You might be saying, "I can control myself." Think about it thought if you get mad are you in control? There are many other instances in which we cannot contol ourselves. I don't even make long term plans because I know who is in control.

Well, the past couple of days has revealed this entry and more. Sometimes my life is such an embrassment that I don't want to reveal what goes on. Also, during this time I know that what people say doesn't matter. What they think about me is their decision and there's nothing I can do to stop them from thinking.
 

Yes, today was the day for the big one. I had parted with things that clearly I felt would be forever. Mother Earth didn't agree with me on this one, I rather think that she wanted me to have it. My husband, jerk that he is slept all night while I worked on the pricing, boxing, and cleaning. So it was time to go and I said that we'd better watch the weather. "Oh, another reason to be lazy."
I was too tired to fight so I just watched the news and it said partly cloudly, shome showers, no storms. Again he said, "I'm going anyway." Then my Mom called and said it was pouring down rain where I was having it at her house. Finally, he said we might as well call it off. We did and I loaded all of the boxes and things on to the car port between his 1951 Chevy Belaire Deluxe (know of anyone who wants to by one?) and the pull behind trailer that is already full of yard sale stuff!!!! I promise this is only a beginning of the stuff I have with my Aunt's collections. All you colectors out there or hoping to be one don't do it. Boycott them. You know how many Bradford items my Aunt had and you can't get the price out of them that they orginally costs much less a good price.

Well, so much for the yard sale! Needless to say I slept the rest of the day. Big ideas in my head because next year is Kansas Day, not the big city, Kansas, AL has a population of 260, a small, small town. I would like to live there one day. Her house, or rather now my house is smaller than the one I am living in the problem is there isn't 3 acres like the house I'm in know.

Take care...love ya'll