I forgot to mention that we took Journey to see her very first movie in a theater on Saturday-Toy Story 3. She did really good! She sat through the whole thing with no problems or qualms, eating popcorn and enjoying the show. I was very proud of her, as I wasn't sure how she'd be sitting in a theater as opposed to sitting at home and watching it from our DVD player (which she's been doing since she was very small and we first got Kiki's Delivery Service).
 

These are the things my strange daughter has interest in:

-Traffic signs. More specifically yield and stop signs.

-Water towers. I have no idea why.

-Phone books. She is fascinated with them.

-Hand sanitizer. She's unnaturally obsessive with it.

More normal things she has interest in:

*The phone.

*Crayons and paper

*Stuffed animals

This is not to mention her favorite television shows, playing with her brother, and so forth. I just thought I'd make a list of the strange things she's interested in so I'll remember when she's older and let her know.
 

So, some good news.
First off, for the last week or so, Journey has been making trips to the bathroom without being told. She usually does it later in the evening, when everyone is busy with something (Don's watching T.V., Ryan's reading a book, I'm making dinner) and we'll get really surprised hearing her flush the toilet all on her own. She's doing it a lot more now, which is a good thing. I still have to tell her to go potty during the day, but it's getting to the point that she's going on her own now, and that's a great step! Unfortunately, she's still peeing her pull ups, so we've got to work on that, but we're one step closer to being fully potty trained!

Another thing is, she hasn't pooped her pants in almost a month. Dead serious. Every time she poops now, she poops in the potty. I'm so proud of her for that, it means so much to me! (I know it sounds weird, being so proud over poop in a potty ) It feels so good not to have to change poopy pull ups anymore.

Big steps people, big steps. Here's hoping Pre-K will get her fully potty trained, and everything will be good to go.

Last night I had a dream that the teacher told me there were two other kids in the class that were still in pull ups too, so not to worry about it. I wonder if that will be true, and if they will tell me not to worry about it. I worry about it all the time, even though I can't control it and I'm resigned to sending her in pull ups until she is potty trained. Some kids are just late bloomers, that's all that I can tell them. She's well within the realm of normal, some kids don't potty train till they're 4 and a half, so she's still within the limits. And she's making progress, so it's not like she's stagnant and there's something seriously wrong. This is also something I'm going to bring up to the developmental pediatrician if she's not potty trained by that time. My hope is that by the time December comes around, she will be.

 

I got pretty choked up yesterday, talking to Don about how I wasn't ready for her to go to school yet. I wanted to spend more time with her at home, watch her shows with her, play puzzles with her, eat lunch with her and try to teach her and maybe potty train her a little more before I send her to school. Yesterday, I wanted to keep her little, and to stay with me and keep me company.

Today, I realized how selfish it is, and how much I want her to and how much she NEEDS to go to school. This will definitely be beneficial to her. She needs the social interaction, she needs the structured environment, the rules and discipline, and general lessons she's going to gain from this experience. I can't offer her much in the way of what she's going to get when she goes to school; I know, I've tried. I've done the best I could to teach her how to count to twenty, and all of her upper case and lower case alphabet, sharing and caring, shapes, colors, numbers, one to one correspondence. Now it's up to her to show that she knows it, or to get a refresher course in it. This is the best way to teach her what school is all about, and to be prepared for Kindergarten. I'm hoping this will also get her on the road to potty training, and give her more emotional maturity. I feel that emotionally, she's around the age of two and a half, maybe starting to be 3. She's not nearly as mature as the other four year olds that will be attending Pre-K with her. Hopefully this will help her grow up.

Some days, like yesterday, I just want it to be like it was last year, when we just enjoyed each others company and watched her favorite shows, dancing around the living room and counting to five in mandarin. Eating lunch together and playing puzzles. Coloring with such voracity that the crayons became nubs, singing all kinds of nursery tunes. I'm going to miss last year immensely, even though we struggled with potty training. I'm going to miss her waking up at 10 and asking me for pink milk and toast. Now (if she has morning Pre-K) I'm going to have to get her up at 7:30 each morning, get her dressed, fix her hair, and hope she eats her toast or her yogurt or her nutragrain bar on time before the bus comes. I'm still unsure if I'll have to pack two snack bags or not (I don't know if they'll be doing snack time for Ryan in class anymore or not...I'm kind of hoping that they don't anymore. He's getting too old to have snack time in class I think. I don't ever recall having snack time in class in second grade.), but I know I'll have to pack her one every day now...no lunch till Kindergarten. She'll either come home and eat lunch with me as soon as she gets off the bus, or she'll eat lunch before she goes into school depending on morning or afternoon status.

We bought a backpack for her to get her ready, and she was very excited about it. It's Ni Hao Kai Lan, so of course she loved it. It came with a free snack tote, which is the reason we bought it, not to mention it was on sale from $25.99 to $14.99. I laughed when I saw how the backpack engulfed her entire back, as tiny as she is. I'm still wondering what to send her in on her first day of Pre-K. I want to take pictures.

I'm sure in the next month my feelings of her going to Pre-K will wax and wane. Some days I'll wish her to stay home with me so we can have more time together, and a chance to get her potty trained. Some days I'll know that this is what's best for her, and in order for her to grow up and potty train, she's better off going to school.
 

Had the IEP meeting yesterday to determine if Journey needed an IEP for school or not. According to them she doesn't. They say she seems to be on track with everything, and if there's any problems when she enters school or the developmental pediatrician we're taking her to in December diagnoses her with anything, then we'll talk about an IEP again.

Part of me is relieved because I was hoping that she's average and on track. They seem to think she's fine, and that Pre-K will straighten her out and get her on the right track, even with potty training. I want to agree with them, nod my head vigorously and sing along with the choir. Maybe all of this is worry for no reason.

But then there's this nagging little part of me that keeps saying "You KNOW there's something wrong. You've known it since she was a month old. You keep telling everyone but no one is listening, and it's not going to be till she's already 3 and a half months into school that she's going to get diagnosed with it and everyone is finally going to see what you've been worried about all along." Something just isn't sitting right with me. I don't think it's as cut and dry as everyone keeps claiming it to be, even though I'd love it to be. I'd love to be proven wrong on this, and she starts understanding everything that's said to her and she does things with gusto, including pottying. I'd love to be wrong on all of this, but something inside me tells me I'm not. I know it, why doesn't everybody else know it?

*Sigh.*

All I can do is keep pursuing it. It seriously sucks that we can't see a developmental pediatrician until December 15th, but unfortunately with specialists, that's the way it works. I'm concerned that that appointment is going to fall through because I haven't received any kind of paperwork or confirmation about the appointment at this point like they told me they would send out. So much that I'm stressed out about with this situation. Only so much I can do about it though.

I just hope that the teachers realize that she may need a little more work than the rest of her peers, and are kind about it. I don't want them to label her as stubborn or refusing. I was never worried about Ryan in school, and he's done really good, but I'm afraid Journey is behind, and I'm scared for her. I hope they're right, I hope Pre-K turns her around, and everything will be okay.

I wish this potty training thing would already finish up and be done with. I'm so sick of pull-ups and messes. I'm sick of regular underwear and messes. I just want this to be done with already, and she's so stubborn about it. I seriously believe she doesn't have the sensation of a full bladder yet, and that she doesn't hold it to get that sensation. I think she pees every little while, as soon as she feels something in her bladder, regardless of how much it is. All I can do is keep guessing and sending her off to the toilet, in hopes that she hasn't already peed herself or pooped herself. More than half the time, she is and she does. I don't know what else to do.

That was another thing we talked about at the meeting. They didn't seem all too thrilled that she wasn't potty trained yet. I wish I could make her potty trained. They threw out suggestions, like limiting her liquid intake, and timing her liquid intake. I've done the limiting one already, and it doesn't matter. If anything, she only drinks about 10 oz of milk a day and 6 oz of juice, so it's not like she's getting all that much liquid in her system as it is anyway. "The key is for her to feel a full bladder" they said. Well, like I suggested, she doesn't let her bladder get full, she just pees as she goes along. How do I make her hold it till her bladder is full? I CAN'T. I can't do ANY of this for her, and they're sitting here telling ME like I have control?? Do they not understand that this is not a LAZY issue, this is a bodily function issue?? I can't make her do ANYTHING. I can tell her to go sit on the toilet when I THINK she needs to go because she's had some liquid in her system, but that doesn't mean she has to listen. She can decide to pee herself right then and there instead of sitting on the toilet and letting it out. She can decide to not pee at all while sitting on the toilet. And what do I do then pray tell? I can't FORCE liquid out of her body. The reason I sigh and say "She's going to school with pull ups" is because I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. She will do this when she's damn good and ready, she's proven this to me time and time again, and I can do everything I want to do, I can limit liquid, I can cut her off, I can tell her when to go to the bathroom, I can put her in panties, I can make her sit there on the toilet for hours, I can take toys and movies away, I can sit her in time out, I can bribe her, IT DOESN'T MATTER. She will do this when she's damn good and ready, and I HAVE NO CONTROL. It just seriously makes me want to cry. I don't understand why no one gets this. Do you think I WANT a 4 year old that's not potty trained? Do you think that I find this easier, or more fun, or entertaining? NO! I want this done as badly or more bad than ANYONE does. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'M the lazy one who just refuses to take time out of my day to train her properly. That's NOT it. I've TRIED EVERYTHING. LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I don't know what else to do other than bang my head against the wall until I break my skull and let my brains ooze out. The only thing I can think that may help her is going to school and seeing the other kids go. That's the ONLY thing I can think, and that's the only thing I haven't tried yet. I can't try it because she's not in a daycare type setting in order to get that, and I can't afford to put her in daycare just to get her potty trained. If I could afford it, then I would've done it already.

So basically put...the meeting was helpful to my hopeful side, but otherwise made me want to cry with frustration.
 

Wrote an entry in my paper journal that strangely seemed more appropriate for here. I've been confused a lot with that kind of thing lately; writing journal entries in different spots when they'd be more appropriate for others. Anywho...

The entry I wrote was about how I've never fully appreciated Journey at her own age. I've spent so much time trying to grow her up as fast as I could that I never really took the time to appreciate what age she was at when she was at it. When she was first born, I couldn't wait for her to be old enough to play with Ryan, and then when she was in the bassinet I couldn't wait for her to get into the crib, and when she was in the crib I couldn't wait for her to get into her own room. I feel like I've rushed rushed rushed through her entire life so far, and just now am I standing back to appreciate the fact that she's going to be four years old this August. I've spent so much time trying to be prepared for the now and looking towards the future that I never really just let her naturally grow without having worries or concerns. Granted, it's evident there is something to be worried about, but I've never just taken the time to stand back and just watch her. I've always been pushing to get her to the next stage, and the next stage, and up to speed. When I look back, everything seems to be a big ball of blur; I can't really recall any space of time filled with nostalgic recollection the way I do with Ryan. I don't know if it's because Ryan was such an advanced child and Journey was never able to catch up to that, or what the case was, but I've spent more time trying to figure out how we're going to work with Journey than I have just letting her BE Journey.

I also haven't invested the time to get used to the idea that she's gong to be leaving me for school this coming August. I know that a huge part of me is glad and knows she needs this, but the smaller part of me that wants to sob is just staying silent right now. I know I should cry and let it out of my system; it would be better for me. This will be the first time we'll be apart from each other. I've never ever been away from her, even when she was in the hospital for jaundice. I'm going to miss spending my days with her, even if she is only gone for three hours a day. I just can't seem to let it out of my system though, and I don't know why.

Don seems more capable of seeing Journey for who she is and not what difficulties she may have. He just lets her be her, without questions or worries. I wish I could do that too. I'm that way with Ryan, but I'm not that way with Journey. I wish I could be that way with her.
 

A couple of things. Firstly, Journey was accepted into Pre-K. I don't know which session she's in, morning or afternoon, and won't find out till later this summer, but we received a letter in the mail telling us that she is priority one to be admitted into Pre-K, and we will receive further information later this summer. What kind of elates me yet irks me is that she made it in based on our economic status, not on her test scores. Thus, I don't know what her test scores were or if they mattered in this decision. I'm glad that she made it in, because she really needs Pre-K and it's going to do her a lot of good, but at the same time it bugs me to know that it wasn't her scores or herself that got her in, but our economic status. I know I shouldn't complain too much though, because at least she's in, and that's what really matters the most I suppose.

Secondly, I took her to her pediatrician and confided in him how I was concerned for her growth and development. He gave me a few numbers to get in touch with some places that do evaluations and testings for her. I spent a couple of weeks trying to get a hold of anyone to get her in for an evaluation. Just last week I was finally able to. We took her in Tuesday to a program called "Child Find", and got an overview assessment of her, to which we found she has a problem with receptive language. She understands that you're asking her or telling her something, and she realizes that she has to reply, but she doesn't understand what you're asking or saying. This is evident in the way that you ask her the question "Where are you going for lunch?" and her reply is "Yes." We think this may be the key culprit in her potty training delay as well. We can tell her numerous times that pee and poop go in the potty, but I don't think she quite understands that she can do these in the potty instead of in her pants. We're still in the first stage of potty training with her as well, and she's still in pull-ups, and she's still wetting them and pooping them. I don't dare chance regular underwear because she hasn't quite grasped what she's supposed to do. I don't think she has the capacity to understand what we're asking of her yet, and frankly I don't know when she will have the capacity to understand. I'm almost certain she's going to go to Pre-K in pull-ups, and I worry constantly that she's going to end up in Kindergarten the exact same way. I'm not sure what else to do with her other than what we're already doing, because it's the only course of action that seems to have any positive results.
But anyway, getting back to the diagnosis, from here on, we will hold meetings to see where she's sitting and how we can best provide help to her. They're setting up what's called and IP plan (I'm not exactly sure what "IP" stands for at this time), but it's a personal plan with some time for a speech therapist or another type of therapist to come in and help work with her to get her up to speed. We'll be doing this all throughout the summer and well into her first year of school this fall. We were advised it should go seamlessly from the summer and transition from the school board to her Pre-K class by fall. Personally, I am thrilled about this. I'm so glad to see that advocating for my child is getting results, whereas with her old pediatrician, he would just shoo away any concerns I had for her. I hate that I'm right, and that there are some concerns that need addressing, and that nothing is just normal, but at the same time if there's something that is wrong, I'm glad I stuck with my guns and pursued it in order to get results. I just want school to be as good for her and enjoyable for her as it is for Ryan. I know it's not going to come easy, and she may have to work harder than a lot of her classmates in a few areas, but I don't want her to struggle all on her own. I'm glad we caught this, and we're going to have the school helping us to make a better way for her. The biggest thing that relieves me is, I was concerned that her teachers were going to think that she was being stubborn and a hold out when it would come to her work, and they would think her a problem child instead of realizing that she may not be capable of completing the task that they're asking of her. Now that we've established that this is what her problem is, it won't go unnoticed, and they'll be able to recognize that what they ask of her may not be something she understands or is capable of doing at that time. That's all I can really hope for in order for her to gain success at school so far.

The rest of the testing was assuring. She's very good at descriptive words. The woman that runs Child Find was astounded at how Journey would say things like "That's a big red wagon...that's a tall yellow ladder", whereas most kids her age would just say "wagon" or "ladder". In some aspects, she's very advanced for her age. Other times, she seems like she's about a year behind her age group. But she seems to be on track for numerous things. Her pre-writing skills are normal, her fine motor skills are well, her gross motor skills are fine, it just seems to be her receptive language that's a problem. I'm glad to hear that it seems to be her only problem, and that everything else looks to be on track. I was seriously worried that she was behind in many aspects.

Oh, and it pays to tell her every body part as you wash it in the bath every bath time. I'm glad to see some of my work is paying off.
 

Pre-K round up was yesterday.
Because they were doing it in their own school (as opposed to borrowing another elementary school's gym like when Ryan went to Pre-K round up), they were able to separate all steps into different rooms. This means that Journey was tested without me being there with her. Though I can understand it from the testing point of view, some parents tend to coach their children while in the same room, I was curious to see how she'd respond. I've been testing her on the same things that they tested Ryan on when he did Pre-K round up. I was right there when they tested him, and all the things they asked him to do in the testing stuck in my mind, so I used them to teach Journey. I was in another room filling out paperwork when they took her back to test, and Don said when they brought her back to the play area, the teacher told him that she did fine, and was very friendly. I'm a worrywart mother, so to hear the word "fine" is quite vague to me, and I'm not sure what it stands for. I really want to know how well she tested, and wished I could've been in there to see, but I know that they have parents stay out of the testing area for a reason. I just wish we could get the results so I would know.

We're not going to find out if she made it into Pre-K or not till summertime, so there's plenty of time to go before they send the notice letting me know. Don's certain she got in; me, not so much. However, they never asked if she was potty trained the way they asked when Ryan went for Pre-K round up. I don't know if they assume that everyone at this age is potty trained, or if it really matters that they are or not, but they didn't ask and I didn't have the opportunity to volunteer the information that she's barely on the starting path. I hope that she gets it by this summer, and that she's in panties instead of pull-ups, but I can't guarantee anything. This is all up to Journey, not me. I'm going to feel kind of stupid sending her in a pull-up though if she's not ready for it when school comes. I hope they don't get upset with me. (On a side note, my dad works at a school, and currently there are two kindergartners and a 1st grader that still wear pull-ups to class in his school. This is a kind of nightmare/relief to me. I'll be horrified if she's still in pull-ups by kindergarten, but at the same time it's a relief to know I'm not the only person in the world that has a child that's taking a long time to get potty trained, and if you have to send them in pull-ups to get through the school day, then so be it I suppose.)

So hopefully, Journey's school days will have begun. And hopefully, she gets potty trained fully this summer so she'll be in underwear by the time Pre-K comes along. It's so hard when you're not the person that can control how this happens or not. Even though steps are taken and we've been doing everything we can, I still can't help but worry until everything is in place.
 

Your quote of the day, as told by Journey talking to her bestest best friend Kiki Maow:

"Oh Kiki Maow, Daddy is still at work, and he needs to be home soon. Can you help us find him and bring him home?" "Meow meow meow meow!" "You can?! Oh thank you so much Kiki Maow! Let's go find Daddy!"



Do you think she misses her Daddy much?
 

Yesterday we became a diaper free household. We had a box of size 5 diapers that we had bought not too long ago that I never opened, as we switched to pull-ups a week ago. Yesterday we turned them back into the store and exchanged them for more pull-ups. So long diapers! It was a huge step for us, one I'm glad we finally got through.

Journey pooped in the potty three times yesterday, and all without us asking her to. She felt the need to go when we asked her to use the bathroom, so she did. No poopy pull-ups for us yesterday!! She only went through one pull up yesterday as well; we're getting better about going in the potty. Today she's getting angry with me when I suggest the potty and she doesn't need to go. When I had her upstairs and made her go, she told me angrily "See Momma, I'm DRY" when I went to check her pants. I guess if she's willing to go that means she needs to go, and if she's not willing then she just doesn't need to go at the time. This is a good step; hopefully soon she'll realize it doesn't take me asking her for her to go to the bathroom, if she needs to go she can just do it. This is getting better and better by the day. I'm really excited to see how all this pans out, because I've been waiting so long for it. I was so worried that she wasn't going to potty train until well into her fourth year, and she'd miss out on school and everything. We still have plenty to go through to get her all the way there (especially with the at night deal...she's still filling her nighttime easy up all through the night), but it looks very promising so far. I'm impressed with where we're at right now. It makes me feel accomplished so far.